Welcome to the jungle

Posted in Post is Unrelated on May 6, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Hi, my name is Rachel, and I’m reading Twilight.

I’m currently on the third book, Eclipse. You can follow the links to the right for recaps by chapter of Twilight and New Moon (now finished). New chapters are below. I try to have a chapter recap done every Tuesday and Sunday, with a little something extra on Fridays, but life happens sometimes. You know how it is.

Or you can do the sane thing, and click on another link entirely. Maybe your Neopet needs to be fed? Maybe you should update your Facebook again? Maybe those intellectual chaps at 4chan have some delightful bit of internet offal to share?

Whatever you do, do not read Twilight books.

Chapter Nine

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , on September 14, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Hmmm, I’m getting ahead again. Time to start future-dating these.

Edward creep-o-meter: 3 — I know, I’m alarmed too.

So Bella comes home from her kidnapping and house arrI mean sleepover and Charlie has left her a note. While he’s actually here. Why didn’t he just tell her?

The note is about calling Jacob. Apparently he feels really bad for telling Bella to go off and die instead of becoming a vampire. Bella’s all “HMPH!” and stomps upstairs, as Charlie chides her for not being forgiving.

Bella has her mind set on laundry. Yes, readers, laundry. We are about to have a very exciting  laundry sequence.

Some of Bella’s clothes are missing, as well as her pillow. First she figures Alice popped them in the wash, because, well, I guess we all have friends who, um, randomly do our laundry for us? But her clothes are not in the wash, and neither are they in her hamper. I know you guys are on the edge of your seats here.  Unfortunately, the thrilling conclusion to “Where in the World is Bella’s Red Blouse?” will have to continue later, because Edward has arrived.

Edward’s golden eyes were wide, his nostrils flared, his lips pulled back over his teeth.

u r so pretty

Edward, faster than anyone can see him, runs up to Bella’s room, and then back downstairs. He grabs Bella around the waist and pulls her into the kitchen, looking around for laundry thieves. Edward indicates that someone has been here, one of his people. No, he doesn’t mean a gay man–although that would explain the missing blouse.

Don’t worry, though! It’s no one we know. I would hate for Victoria to sully her 0 line record for this series.

Clearly, they both reason, clearly whoever it was is just looking for Bella, and doesn’t seem to want to eat anybody. Charlie comes in at this point, demanding to know what they’re hissing about, and when he sees Edward’s furious face and Bella’s panicked one, he assumes they are fighting.

Charlie’s expression changed. Abruptly, he was grinning. “If you two are having a fight… well, don’t let me interrupt.”

Still grinning, he put his bowl in the sink and sauntered out of the room.

That’s our Charlie. Dad of the Year material right there.

Edward insists that they leave, and gives his “brothers” some calls we don’t get to understand because he’s just talking that fast. Apparently this is yet another vampire power.

I let him drag me along then, too panicked to think clearly. Charlie met my frightened eyes with a smug grin, which suddenly turned to confusion. Edward had me out the door before Charlie could say anything.

What, exactly, is the point of Charlie’s character? We are told he is a cop, yet he has never once demonstrated this through action or behavior, or even talking about work. His daughter is, he assumes, fighting with her boyfriend, and then he watches Edward drag her out while she looks terrified. And Charlie just stands there. He doesn’t chase after them, shout, demand to know what’s going on, he just lets a boy he openly dislikes literally drag his daughter out the door.

So, clearly, Stephenie reasoned that Bella must have a father, because she’s not immaculately conceived (although at this point it wouldn’t have surprised me). And hey, a cop father would be interesting, because “cop” is a masculine profession. And that’s where she stopped? You can argue that Charlie is stunted and unused to being a father, but Jesus, is he unused to being a law officer as well?

I hate these books so much.

Edward and Bella race to the Cullen mansion, where Edward heckles Alice for not Seeing someone pawing through Bella’s room. Alice stands up for herself, and Edward is about to just keep being a dick when.. he.. stops and apologizes.

This is really starting to confuse me. I guess Bella is making him “more human” or someone told Stephenie that her male lead was “a sociopathic asshole” or something.

Nobody seems to put two and two together on the whole “new vampires” thing from chapter one, and Victoria hating Bella’s guts. Seriously. No one thinks “Wait, maybe Victoria is making the vampires and she sent one of them to root through Bella’s underwear for some messed up reason!”

Instead they assume it’s the Volturi making sure that Bella is a vampire. Which I guess uh. Going through her clothes would totally prove.

Esme tries to argue that maybe this whole thing is a coincidence. Honestly, at this point, I’m reeling from the fact that the plot of a Twilight book was introduced before chapter twenty. Seriously. And there was even some foreshadowing of it in the first chapter. I’m floored.

Everyone agrees to a rotating schedule of watching Bella’s house in case someone else sneaks in to try on her jeans. Bella sort of just stands there as everyone argues about who’s trying to kill her and what they should do about it. Not exactly the most proactive character we’ve ever seen.

They go back. Charlie is smug because he thinks they’re still fighting. Jesus, whatever, Dad. Do us all a favor and just don’t be a character. I’d rather a Charlie Brown style adult we never see the face of and never actually understand.

Jacob called again. Poor guy.

She calls him the next morning (after warning Edward that she’s going to let Jake off the hook). Jacob apologizes rather fervently and offers up a life of servitude. But they’re totally not werewolf soulmates or anything. Bella sort of brings up that someone was kind of in her house yesterday and all the vamps are spooked, which means Edward takes the phone and he and Jacob have a Male Bonding Moment over how best to protect their clumsy, useless, mutual love interest.

Bella is like a Mac Guffin made human. She serves absolutely no purpose but to drive the plot. I never thought I’d see a main character that is, in all actuality and simplicity, a freaking plot device.

Anyway, we get a play-by-play of the conversation, which is basically “Edward said this. Then he paused. Then Edward said this. Then he had a longer pause.” It goes on for about a page and a half. Bella just sits there stupidly as everyone hustles to save her from the Laundry Vampire.  She finally gets the phone back, and Jacob is all “yeah we totes got this covered, I’m coming up there to scent out your panty thief.”

Annnd that’s it. Another chapter down. God damn it, these are so boring.

To whomever

Posted in Post is Unrelated with tags , , on September 11, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I’m touched you tried to make a case against Twilight via linking to my recaps on the Eoin Colfer message board, but I honestly don’t know why you tried. I got as far as “I was one of the Edward fan girls a long time ago ok really like 8 months ago but hes a good charter,” and I completely lost the will to live.

He’s a good charter. God, I hate public schools.

Also, hello to everyone who has wandered here from Johnny Wander, and, coincidentally, Yuko’s twitter. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read Johnny Wander!

edit: Sweet mother of mercy, you guys will find ANY reason to get butthurt, won’t you?

Well, I’m standing by this one. Public school sucks. I went to seven of them, so I think I have the experience to back this up.

Chapter Eight

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Oh snap, time for a recap. How was all my American readship’s Labor Day weekend? And a shout-out to my readers in southern British Columbia–how many of y’all crossed the border to shop in Target? Don’t lie to me I know you did.

Edward creep-o-meter: Shrinking back down to a five.

Good Lord.

Bella and Jacob slouch about the res. She asks about the latest pack gossip.

I’ll give you a moment to steel yourselves.

Jacob is reluctant to share, but eventually admits that one of the Quilbry has Impressed–er, imprinted on someone. Emily had two nieces visiting and Quil um, took a liking to Claire.

Why is this so weird?

Claire is two years old.

Even Bella, head-trauma Bella, scream and faint Bella, blatant violator of helmet laws Bella, falls-in-love-with-psychopaths Bella, Bella has the good sense to see that this is, well, illegal.

“But she’s a baby,” I protested.

He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”

Dude you are talking about a two-year-old ugh ugh ugh oh my God there is not enough bleach for my bath water to get the dirt off

Jacob accuses Bella of being judgmental (!) and insists that it won’t be sexual until Claire is legal breeding stock. Until then Quil will just be “the best, kindest big brother” ever.

So, essentially, Quil is just waiting for the toddler to ripen. God damn you, Stephenie.

Bella, stupidly, asks when Jacob will impress, and he’s all “NEVER pout pout pout.” God, this girl is dumb. Coincidentally, that would be an interesting turn of events, in a soul-mate-enabled-world–if your soul mate is madly in love with a terrifying, sociopathic monster, and you know she’s the only one for you but you can never have her. I sort of empathize with Jake here. Um, aside from him blowing off the pedophilia aaauugh God

They ride bikes. They go back to his place. They have a soda and they bond.  Jake asks if Bella was serious about that whole “becoming undead” thing, and she affirms. Oh, no, but is this goodbye, not-boyfriend? Sniffle tear.

“Why? We still have a few years. Can’t we be friends until we’re out of time?”

“Years? No, Jake, not years.” I shook my heard, and laughed once without humor. “Weeks is more accurate.”

Jacob flips out.

There’s a couple of paragraphs of him quivering, blurring, spilling soda, clenching teeth, etc, and I’m hoping for some really awesome, honest-to-God action here, but… he calms himself down. Damn. Okay. Well, on the bright side, this means there’s not a single stupid thing for Edward to worry about and he’s still a smothering jackass.

Jacob insists he’d rather Bella were dead than, you know, one of Satan’s army. This is like SO MEAN and stuff so she leaves, for like, EVER!

Instead of riding her bike back home, safe from her jailers, she rides back to Chez Cullen. What the hell? She is all “DON’T WANNA TALK MMMMOOOOPPPPPE” and stalks off to Edward’s room, to defiantly sleep on his couch.

She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials. Of course, now that he’s here, and so wonderful and perfect and dazzling, she forgets to be angrier than grizzly bears or whatever stupid thing she threatened earlier.

They make out. Uh. No, wait, yeah! This is actual making out! He wraps one of her legs around him, they roll around on the bed. It’s actually kind of hot, aside from the fact that he’s cold and dead (ew).

I guess the “no tongue-kissing” rule is off.

Bella actually asks this, all “oh did you change your mind about withholding sex from me?” He basically tells her “don’t be silly, I would never have sex with you, I just wanted to be a gigantic tease.” Well, okay, actually he says “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

Don’t get carried away.

That’s the sound of my face hitting my desk repeatedly.

They talk about sex for a full page, without ever actually mentioning it. Yes, just like the first and last time they discussed it in Twilight, this is a page full of eyebrow-wiggling, elbow-nudging, and bush-skirting. In more ways than one.

Edward extricates himself from the naughty dirty “sex” situation (he might be forced to admit that he has no interest in vaginas), by apologizing for… wait.

No, this… really? I can’t believe it. He apologizes for being a smothering jackass. He is now 100% okay with her having friends. This confuses and somehow infuriates me.  We get this chapter where all in one, a. Jacob is a “jerk”, b. Edward is suddenly caring and supportive. What gives?

Bella confesses that Jacob said he’d rather see her dead than as an abhorrent creature of evil. Edward apologizes, and offers to kill him. I’m not even joking. He’s all “oh well I can slip up in my self-control a little bit and kill him for you, if you really want.” Her response is to go “Oh, you!” and try to have sex with him again.

This is just twisted.

Let’s see, she propositions Edward  for sex for the third time of the night, he declines once again (because he is a homoseI mean gentleman), and she asks him about the pretty vampires he had absolutely no interest in while he was visiting Alaska (because he is homoseI mean very particular about women). He reassures her that nothing happened, he never nailed any of them, and Tanya was merely stupefyingly beautiful. Not at all like his perfect, pale, clumsy, whiny, empty-headed, teary-eyed little Bella. Tanya probably had too much of a free will and identity for him.

He sings her to sleep. Because he is the perfect man and not at all boring and we should all aspire to fall in love with a creep just like him.

I love the satisfying sound this book makes when I slam it shut in total contempt.

Chapter Seven

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , on September 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Edward creep-o-meter: The big guy gets a reprieve–this is Rosalie’s chapter!

Rosalie comes into Bella’s room, and asks to talk.

“He so rarely leaves you alone,” she said. “I figured I’d better make the best of this opportunity.”

Ugh God why doesn’t anyone see what’s wrong with this.

Rosalie wants to talk about how she became a vampire, and why Bella shouldn’t. Are you ready? Okay, here goes:

In the 30′s, Rosalie’s fiancee and a bunch of his friends gang raped her to death, so Carlisle found her dying (somehow), bit the crap out of her, and made her a Vampire Girlfriend just for Edward.

The reason Bella shouldn’t become a vampire is because then she couldn’t have babies.

For those of you at home playing “Severe Character Dysfunction Bingo,” you can count the two of those as freebies.

I wish I could tell you that more happens in this chapter. But it’s just pages of Rosalie explaining how she used to be a vain, selfish child, and then she was raped to death, and now she’s a vain, selfish vampire. It turns out the reason she saved Emmett from the bear however long ago is because he looks just like the baby Rosalie’s mortal friend had.

So everything Rosalie does is for babies.

Because the only way you can be a real woman is to breed.

I actually liked that Rosalie was a bitch, the only member of this big ridiculously perfect family that wasn’t a God damn saint. And it turns out she’s just another vehicle for Stephenie Meyer’s outdated views on the accepted role of a woman. We at least get to hear a little about how Rosalie hunted down the men who raped her and killed them horribly, but it’s only a little, and it’s completely overshadowed by Rosalie’s pleading with Bella, “oh please think of all the babies you could have!

Rosalie goes a little into how Edward was never into girls, like, at all, not even when they dragged him to the vampire commune in Alaska.

“Even when we first met Tanya’s clan in Denali–all those females!–Edward never showed the slightest preference.”

Okay, first of all, did it really never occur to anyone that Edward might be gay? Call me crazy, but last I heard, one of the key symptoms of gayness is “disinterest in the opposite sex.” I’m just saying.

And secondly, why is Rosalie talking about this like it’s a breeding program? “We put Edward in the pen with Annabelle and the other females, but it just didn’t take. We might try an AI later.”

So, anyway, babies. Have them. Don’t be tempted by beautiful invulnerable near-omniscient immortality. Babies.

THE NEXT DAY

Bella is blowing off Nothing Wrong With Mike for the like, 250th time, when Jacob comes screeching into the parking lot on his Bad Influence brand motorcycle. He shouts “Run!” and Bella makes a break for it, throws herself behind him on the bike, and they escape, while Alice watches in cold fury.

Jacob realized that since Alice can’t See werewolves, she wouldn’t be able to See him rescuing her from them at school the next day.

Seriously, guys, Jacob is freaking rad.

Chapter Six

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Sweet salivating savior.

Now, I know some of you are gearing up for the possible excuses I will make. Maybe there have been betting pools. Well, let me set your minds at ease. Here is an exact list of everything I was doing for the last month:

  1. Writing a vampire novel
  2. Doing everything else I possibly could other than read Eclipse

I know, I feel your scorn even now. “This is a recap site,” you are all saying. “It is basically required that you read the books you are actively hatin’ on.”

But riddle me this, dear readers. What better possible statement exists on the quality of Eclipse than “Despite the fact that 40,000 people on the internet wanted me to, I could not bring myself to even look at this book for more than a month”?

I rest my case.

And with that, let me tell you all a little something about Chapter Six.

Edward creep-o-meter: A big ol “Welcome Back” 10.

When we last left off,  Bella was driving home after an unbelievably exciting chat with Jacob. You all remember Jacob, right? Big fellow? Werewolf? A friend Bella isn’t allowed to have, according to Edward?

Bella drives herself home, and out of nowhere, the Volvopire is behind her. He doesn’t honk. He doesn’t insist she pulls over. He just follows her all the way to her mortal friend’s house. Bella is terrified. She thinks briefly on how she’d been hoping to have some time before facing Edward, and how she’d at least wanted to have Charlie around, to “force him to keep his voice down.” Replace those words with “force him to keep from swinging at her,” and this whole scene makes even more unsavory sense.

So Edward continues to just. follow. her. as she drives to Angela’s. When she pulls into the drive, he keeps going. Yep. Just wanted to make sure where she was going. Just wanted to intimidate her. There was no other purpose for that drive. Just wanted to scare the piss out of his girlfriend.

Angela and Bella stuff envelopes. Don’t remember why she agreed to this. But it means we have an excuse for Bella to pretend like she even gives a damn about mortals still. She attempts to try to talk to Angela about what’s happening with Edward v. Jacob, without mentioning any of the werewolf/vampire stuff that would likely get her thrown into a ward. Angela keenly points out that Edward is jealous. Noooooooo Angela you just don’t get it that’s not it at all because Edward is perfect and selfless and wonderful and barf barf barf.

Angela’s boyfriend comes back, and Bella begins to tremble because that means she has to go home and face her insanely jealous, controlling, manipulative — I mean, selfless, perfect, wonderful, protective boyfriend.

Her whole drive home is anxious. And then, this.

“I’m going to go study,” I announced glumly as I headed for the stairs.

“See you later,” Charlie called after me.

If I survive, I thought to myself.

OH MAN YOU GUYS. It is so hilarious having a boyfriend who could kill you at a moment’s notice and is also incredibly emotionally unhinged!

Edward glares at her silently for several minutes. How dare she go see her friends? She finally explains how alive and unharmed she is, to which Edward just whines that he was soooo close to breaking the treaty and starting a war and it would have been all her fault.

They argue over how Bella wants to have friends and Edward won’t let her. They seriously argue about this. He refuses to negotiate on her seeing Jacob because he is “dangerous.” Wow, what a sweet guy. Bella delivers some stupid speech about being Switzerland. They joke about her smelling like dog. Whatever. God, I hate this.

THE NEXT DAY. Edward is going to go hunting again because he had to come back and save Bella from absolutely nothing when he found out she was hanging out with another boy.

We’d come to no agreement on the werewolf issue, but I didn’t feel guilty calling Jake–during my brief window of opportunity when Edward took the Volvo home before climbing back in through my window–to let him know I’d be coming over on Saturday again. It wasn’t sneaking around. Edward knew how I felt. And if he broke my truck again, then I’d have Jacob pick me up.

There is so. much. wrong. with that paragraph, I don’t even know where to freaking start.

Alice picks Bella up from school. This is odd. When Bella asks where Edward is, Alice just says they left early. Then she excitedly announces that ALL the boys have gone and Bella and her are going to have a slumber party which in no way is to be translated as 1st degree kidnapping and house arrest.

Alice is not repentant in the least. Edward bribed her with a porsche, so Bella is now legal hostage. In fact, no one really seems alarmed at this at all. Bella is going to be held at Cullen Manor for two days. She is only allowed to leave for school. She only gets one phone call to Jacob, and that is only to let him know that she won’t be coming over on Saturday after all.

“Alice, don’t you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?”

Also in the running for Most Obvious Answer: “Alice, don’t you think bears shit in the woods just a little bit? Just a tiny bit of defecation, maybe?”

Alice, of course, thinks nothing of the sort. Edward is just–wait for it

PROTECTING HER

–and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting her safe!

Alice, I loved you once.

Bella uses her one phone call to tell Jacob their plans are canceled. He immediately suspects the bloodsuckers, and for good reason. Bella jokes–she jokes–that she is being held prisoner. Jacob’s immediate response is that he is coming to get her. God, I love this kid.

After this, Bella calls Edward to leave a bunch of half-hearted, lukewarm threats in his voicemail. “You are in trouble. Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”

Ha ha, it’s so funny that he can coerce his family into kidnapping his girlfriend when he’s not in town so he can continue to keep tabs on her every move. You are in BIG TROUBLE, MISTER!

Alice escorts Bella to Edward’s room, where she’ll be sleeping. This is ostensibly to show her the enormous bed Edward moved in there, but it is also probably to keep monitoring her for any signs of rebellion.

Bella, because she is an enormous idiot, refuses to sleep on the bed, and curls up on the couch in “defiance.” You know what else is defiant? Getting your phone and calling the God damn cops.

Rosalie comes into her room in the middle of the night.

Whoa, did it just get a lot more sexy in here, or is it just me?

Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated

Posted in Uncategorized on September 2, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I AM GOING TO FINISH CHAPTER SIX IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO.

Chapter Five

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?

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