Archive for stephenie is a hack

Chapter Eight

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Oh snap, time for a recap. How was all my American readship’s Labor Day weekend? And a shout-out to my readers in southern British Columbia–how many of y’all crossed the border to shop in Target? Don’t lie to me I know you did.

Edward creep-o-meter: Shrinking back down to a five.

Good Lord.

Bella and Jacob slouch about the res. She asks about the latest pack gossip.

I’ll give you a moment to steel yourselves.

Jacob is reluctant to share, but eventually admits that one of the Quilbry has Impressed–er, imprinted on someone. Emily had two nieces visiting and Quil um, took a liking to Claire.

Why is this so weird?

Claire is two years old.

Even Bella, head-trauma Bella, scream and faint Bella, blatant violator of helmet laws Bella, falls-in-love-with-psychopaths Bella, Bella has the good sense to see that this is, well, illegal.

“But she’s a baby,” I protested.

He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”

Dude you are talking about a two-year-old ugh ugh ugh oh my God there is not enough bleach for my bath water to get the dirt off

Jacob accuses Bella of being judgmental (!) and insists that it won’t be sexual until Claire is legal breeding stock. Until then Quil will just be “the best, kindest big brother” ever.

So, essentially, Quil is just waiting for the toddler to ripen. God damn you, Stephenie.

Bella, stupidly, asks when Jacob will impress, and he’s all “NEVER pout pout pout.” God, this girl is dumb. Coincidentally, that would be an interesting turn of events, in a soul-mate-enabled-world–if your soul mate is madly in love with a terrifying, sociopathic monster, and you know she’s the only one for you but you can never have her. I sort of empathize with Jake here. Um, aside from him blowing off the pedophilia aaauugh God

They ride bikes. They go back to his place. They have a soda and they bond.  Jake asks if Bella was serious about that whole “becoming undead” thing, and she affirms. Oh, no, but is this goodbye, not-boyfriend? Sniffle tear.

“Why? We still have a few years. Can’t we be friends until we’re out of time?”

“Years? No, Jake, not years.” I shook my heard, and laughed once without humor. “Weeks is more accurate.”

Jacob flips out.

There’s a couple of paragraphs of him quivering, blurring, spilling soda, clenching teeth, etc, and I’m hoping for some really awesome, honest-to-God action here, but… he calms himself down. Damn. Okay. Well, on the bright side, this means there’s not a single stupid thing for Edward to worry about and he’s still a smothering jackass.

Jacob insists he’d rather Bella were dead than, you know, one of Satan’s army. This is like SO MEAN and stuff so she leaves, for like, EVER!

Instead of riding her bike back home, safe from her jailers, she rides back to Chez Cullen. What the hell? She is all “DON’T WANNA TALK MMMMOOOOPPPPPE” and stalks off to Edward’s room, to defiantly sleep on his couch.

She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials. Of course, now that he’s here, and so wonderful and perfect and dazzling, she forgets to be angrier than grizzly bears or whatever stupid thing she threatened earlier.

They make out. Uh. No, wait, yeah! This is actual making out! He wraps one of her legs around him, they roll around on the bed. It’s actually kind of hot, aside from the fact that he’s cold and dead (ew).

I guess the “no tongue-kissing” rule is off.

Bella actually asks this, all “oh did you change your mind about withholding sex from me?” He basically tells her “don’t be silly, I would never have sex with you, I just wanted to be a gigantic tease.” Well, okay, actually he says “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

Don’t get carried away.

That’s the sound of my face hitting my desk repeatedly.

They talk about sex for a full page, without ever actually mentioning it. Yes, just like the first and last time they discussed it in Twilight, this is a page full of eyebrow-wiggling, elbow-nudging, and bush-skirting. In more ways than one.

Edward extricates himself from the naughty dirty “sex” situation (he might be forced to admit that he has no interest in vaginas), by apologizing for… wait.

No, this… really? I can’t believe it. He apologizes for being a smothering jackass. He is now 100% okay with her having friends. This confuses and somehow infuriates me.  We get this chapter where all in one, a. Jacob is a “jerk”, b. Edward is suddenly caring and supportive. What gives?

Bella confesses that Jacob said he’d rather see her dead than as an abhorrent creature of evil. Edward apologizes, and offers to kill him. I’m not even joking. He’s all “oh well I can slip up in my self-control a little bit and kill him for you, if you really want.” Her response is to go “Oh, you!” and try to have sex with him again.

This is just twisted.

Let’s see, she propositions Edward  for sex for the third time of the night, he declines once again (because he is a homoseI mean gentleman), and she asks him about the pretty vampires he had absolutely no interest in while he was visiting Alaska (because he is homoseI mean very particular about women). He reassures her that nothing happened, he never nailed any of them, and Tanya was merely stupefyingly beautiful. Not at all like his perfect, pale, clumsy, whiny, empty-headed, teary-eyed little Bella. Tanya probably had too much of a free will and identity for him.

He sings her to sleep. Because he is the perfect man and not at all boring and we should all aspire to fall in love with a creep just like him.

I love the satisfying sound this book makes when I slam it shut in total contempt.

Chapter Four

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , on July 12, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward is not in this chapter. However, in spite of this, he maintains a steady 6.

I don’t want you guys to think I’m copping out on recapping this crap, but I am being completely honest with you when I say that nothing happens in this chapter.

I will itemize it for you:

  1. Edward is out hunting, so Bella is ever so lonely.
  2. Bella goes to work. They tell her they don’t need her today.
  3. Bella drives to La Push.
  4. Bella and Jacob talk about vampires.
  5. THE END.

I’m not sure how this counted as a full chapter. I also am not sure what Bella’s work schedule is supposed to be like. Does she only work on Saturdays? Or as the plot dictates?

Jacob is super bitter and angry, and takes pot shots at vampires every chance he gets. Bella gets all angry with him for making fun of the Cullens because they are good to the core and she and Edward are in love because he is the most beautiful flawless selfless thoughtful considerate sensitive man who ever lived and she loves him more than Jesus so stop being such a minority Jacob!

Then Jacob’s chin starts to quiver and Bella is all “aww I can’t get mad at you.”

THAT IS THE ENTIRETY OF THIS CHAPTER. This chapter’s whole purpose is to show that Jacob is angry and bitter (like every sixteen year old in existence) and we’re not supposed to like him as much as Edward. Which sucks, because I still think Jacob is freaking rad. It’s about time somebody thought something negative about the Good To The Core Cullens.

Unfortunately, it is because he doesn’t like the Cullens that we are supposed to hate him. Christ.

If it weren’t for the fact that later in this book, Jacob kicks the dog by (spoiler, oh noes!) forcing himself on Bella, I would continue to like Jacob more. Edward is not a lover. Edward is a figure of authority, a warden, a control freak, who’s only excuse for the downright horrible things he does to Bella is “I love you and I want to protect you.” That is never a valid reason, ever. “I love you” is not a get out of jail free card. “I love you” is not an excuse, it is a simple statement of fact and affirmation of devotion. “I love her” won’t fly in court when the woman or her family finally press charges.

Jacob, on the other hand, encourages Bella. He challenges her. They do fun things together. They are stupid together. They are freaking human together, instead of this bizarre circus of emotional manipulation that is Bella and Edward’s relationship. But Jacob doesn’t like the sparkly, impossibly benevolent vampires, due to indoctrination, personal experience, and hard cold fact. As a result, we are expected to dislike and distrust him, because the Cullens are so clearly (unrealistically) good.

Unfortunately, popular theory states that Stephenie Meyer did, at some point, realize that Jacob was being far more likable than Edward. Hence why later he forces himself on Bella, and in general is completely out-of-character for the whole book. We could write it off as “character development,” but when did Stephenie Meyer ever make use of that?

Jacob is the victim of character assassination via his own author. When she realized her misaimed fandom actually thought Jacob was a better match than her startlingly perfect main character, she did her best to make Jacob seem as slimy and hateful as possible.

Only to give him the consolation prize in the last book, because immaculately happy endings are not at all boring in the least.

You could say that the theory of the Death of the Author applies here, in a weird, juvenile sense. Stephenie tried her hardest to get us to interpret her texts as thus: Edward is perfect and thus the perfect mate; Jacob dislikes Edward and is thus imperfect and far inferior to him by simple fact of choosing to find him monstrous. However, there are still (still) cores of the fandom that insist Jacob was the better match, largely for the reasons I state above. There are also cores of the fandom who, desperate to find some merit in this series (maybe because they don’t want to admit they wasted all those hours of their lives reading this drivel), find unusual and at times brilliant interpretations of the story and characters, interpretations that I can 100% guarantee Meyer herself never actually intended.

Can you say this is the Death of the Author when the author herself was incompetent, at best? Can you really claim Meyer’s interpretation of her work is even as valid as her fans’, when she herself has no right clue how to tell a story, or build a believable setting, or create a fully-fleshed character?

Basically, what I’m saying is that if this chapter had something worthwhile in it, you guys wouldn’t have to read my pseudo-intellectual crap instead of a recap.

One more reason to hate Smeyer.

Epilogue

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Aaauuuugghh

I was content to play Puzzle Pirates until my skull turned as soft and porous as a Sara Lee spongecake, but will my mother settle for anything less than me continuing to read this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said before, about… whoa, wow, more than a week ago (can you guys really blame me?), there is an epilogue to this story. It really is more like an additional chapter. I’m not sure what sets epilogues apart from honest-to-God chapters, but then, neither, apparently, does Stephenie.

So, okay, the epilogue.

Everything goes back to normal a la a 30-minute sitcom. Math is still really hard. Bella’s friends still think she’s a loser. Edward is forcing Bella to go to college (for her own good). We are treated to a small aside about how, of course, Edward has already gone to Harvard, so he doesn’t need to go to a particularly prestigious college this year–wonderful for everyone since Bella has no goals whatsoever and will probably end up shuffling her way to community college.

Already been to Harvard? Why the hell is he even bothering with high school anymore? Is he really just doing it to pick up girls 90 years his junior? (blegh)

There’s thinly veiled plot mechanisms, and then there’s Stephenie Meyer’s writing.

Bella and Jacob are no longer BFF, and I say, good for him. He’s not returning her phone calls, and Bella is wondering “oh no was it something I did,” which we all know the answer to: yes yes a thousand times yes. Bella waits until Edward is kicked out every night (by a “grimly gleeful” Charlie) to make her calls to Jacob, because Edward gets an angry (dare I say, jealous) look on his face any time she mentions Jacob’s name. This is because he wants to protect her, and it has nothing to do with possessiveness or his need to control her. I swear.

The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

That doesn’t come until Breaking Dawn, as many of you know. A minor spoiler for those of you who don’t know–the only reason Jacob has been so madly in love with Bella is because he is actually the destined soulmate of her dhampyr “half-vampire” daughter.

Yes. I’m serious. He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

So, in short, Bella will marry Edward, have his baby, and Jacob will get the consolation prize–the baby. The only reason I have the will to continue reading this crap is to get to the shining paragon of übercrap that is Breaking Dawn.

Anyway, where was I. No longer BFF. Bella throws a snit in front of Edward on the way home over it, and he tries to convince her that it’s not her they hate. Right, no. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly be Bella that’s the problem here. Everyone freaking loves Bella.

When they get home, Charlie is in a rage, and there in the driveway is Jacob’s truck with the two bicycles in it. Oh man, he totally told Daddy on her. Bella is livid, and, because she is a girl, starts crying. Oh my gosh, Jacob is like so totally mean! Yeah, she more or less says that.

I could never imagine Jacob could be so petty and just plain mean.

Welcome to breaking someone’s heart, you stupid slut.

So um, they have a yelling match. Edward keeps Bella behind him at all times, to “protect” her. Bella accuses Jacob of wanting Charlie to have a heartattack just like Harry–there’s the manipulative girl we’ve come to know and love. Edward does the floundering plot a favor and reads Jacob’s mind–Jacob turned in the bikes and tattled on Bella in the hopes that she would get grounded from seeing Edward. This impressive leap of logic brought to you by: teenagers.

Bella whines that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t come to La Push to complain at him for not taking her calls. Jacob is all “oh, uh, oops,” and Edward, once again, violates the poor kid’s privacy by reading his mind.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

Not exactly a stretch, considering later Edward does just exactly this. Edward then decides to do the chivalrous thing and thank Jacob for taking care of Bella while he was gone. I had an ex pull this once and it pissed me off more than anything else–I don’t need a man to “take care of me,” and neither, for that matter, should Bella. But since she is a character written by Stephenie Meyer she absolutely depends on men to rescue her from something as mundane as a God damn paper cut, so I guess chivalry is alive after all.

Jacob also takes the time to warn Edward that the treaty means that if he bites a mortal–say, oh, I don’t know, his girlfriend–then the treaty is off and it’s werewolves vs. vampires time. Oh nooo dear God I hope that actually happens. These books are so freaking lame and boring a good old fashioned fight scene might do us some good.

Edward and Jacob fight over who’s going to kill Victoria (who has disappeared, by the way. She was the “villain” of this “book” and wasn’t in a single freaking scene), and Charlie roars and shouts for Bella. She pauses before running off to accept her punshiment so she can look at Jacob with big, wet eyes and say “You pwomised we’d still be fwiends.” Edward pulls her away, and even Bella notes that it’s in restraint instead of protection. Everybody shouts for a while.

Uh, yeah. Jacob finally leaves, and Edward and Bella go to Charlie. Uh.

The end.

Wow.

Well.

I, uh. That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.

I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.

Chapter Twenty-One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.

Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.

They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?

They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.

They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.

Then, Aro appears.

Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.

Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.

Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.

Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.

“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.

Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Caius: Whatever.

Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.

Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”

Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.

I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.

Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?

Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.

Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!

Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…

Nothing happens.

Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?

Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?

Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.

Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.

Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.

Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.

Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.

They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.

…Okay, I have a question.

Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?

Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.

Chapter Sixteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Someone

for some reason

rescues Bella Swan from the ocean.

Jacob is pounding on her back, trying to knock the water out of her lungs and get her to breathe. Internally, Bella complains that dying isn’t so much fun anymore, now that everything hurts and she can’t imagine Edward.

Sam asks if it’s even okay to move her, if maybe she hurt her back in the fall. This already makes him a million times better than the “doctor” attending Bella previously in the book.  Bella finally croaks a few words, and confirms for Jacob that nothing hurts other than her throat, so Jacob picks her up and carries her back to House Black, telling Sam he’ll meet him at the hospital later.

Oh, so Bella is finally going to the hospital for the serious injuries she’s sustatined? That’s new.

Bella thinks she sees fire out on the water. Victoria’s hair is often described as fiery in Bella’s internal monologue. How odd, is Stephenie foreshadowing now?

Jacob was searching for Bella when he heard her scream as she threw herself from the cliff. He lets her know how incredibly stupid it was to “cliffdive” in a storm. To make matters worse, they never actually found Victora. She took off into the water (apparently vampires are very good swimmers on account of not having to breathe); Jacob was afraid she’d doubled back around to the beach, which is why he came back here in the first place.

The whole hospital hint doesn’t get past Bella (she’s just so sharp) and she asks if someone was hurt in the hunting. No, actually, one of the other injuns had a heart attack, the one guy that was Charlie’s BFF. This was actually foreshadowed a bit in a previous chapter, but I didn’t recap it because I thought it was a fluke or something. Stephenie Meyer, foreshadowing? Pshaw I say.

Of course Bella immediately turns this into something about her.

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt–felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

Did anybody else notice the three adverbs in one sentence? Ugh, adverbs light up like anomalies on an MRI for me, now. Sorry, too much House, M.D.

Jacob dumps Bella in his living room and gets her some clothes to change into. Nobody has asked yet why she was trying to kill herself. I guess Jacob is in denial re: cliffdiving, currently.

For the next three pages, Bella waxes pathetic about Romeo and Juliet, in an attempt to justify settling for Jacob. She’s never going to find another person she loves as much as Edward, ever ever ever. So she may as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to. And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all right. Right?

Not even joking.

Bella also has the good sense to finally realize that indirectly killing herself “being reckless” hurts her mother and father. She doesn’t want to think about what it would have done to Charlie to lose his best friend and his daughter in the same day.

Oh, Bella still hasn’t been to a doctor, by the way, after nearly dying. Oxygen deprivation is really not so bad. Jacob at least apologizes for not taking her to the hospital, but Christ. Are people really that lacking in common sense here?

He does agree to take her home though, because Bella insists she’s fine. Oookay. Bella spends some more time attempting to justify her urge to settle for Jacob. He’s “essential to her survival!” She needs him, because she can’t possibly live life by herself.

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.

… Seriously?

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

Seriously? You just up and admit that? You don’t care about him as much as he does, but you want to make sure that you still have him. Greedy little child! Forget that it’s possible he could be happier with someone else, if you can’t love him then no one can!

She tells herself she’d need to explain everything, so he knows she isn’t settling. Uh, even though she is. He’s just way too good for her, is all! She’s so broken and tragic and sad. And again, is it really so wrong to just want to make him happy?

Uuugggghh ugh ugh ugh. I want to hit something.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

Almost like being a whole person again. Good Lord. Forget simple codependency, this girl has full-on Dependent Personality Disorder. It’s SO romantic!

Anyway, Bella is thinking about starting a makeout session with Jacob when Edward whispers in her ear to “Be happy.” Jacob, however, opens the door to let her out, and gets a fresh whiff of vampire. So he brings the truck to a roar and they zoom off and away from Bella’s house–but not before she recongizes Carlisle’s car outside.

OMG OMG OMG IT’S TOTES THE CULLENS FORGET ABOUT JACOB THE CULLENS HAVE COME BACK TO BITE ME AND MAKE ME ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL DEAD

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

[…] “Of course,” I said, my voice blank with surprise as his question. Of course I wanted to go back.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Cullens! They’re all good and wonderful and suspicious and abusive and eat endangered animals!

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle. Take me back!”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, it’s okay–”

“No. Take yourself back, Bella.” His voice was a slap–I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

[…] He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”

Can I just say that I seriously laughed out-loud at this line? I think Jacob’s “irrational” hatred of vampires is supposed to make us not like him (because vampires are so pretty and sparkly!), but hot damn, I love this kid.

Bella takes a brief second to think that maybe, maybe she’s hurt Jacob’s feelings, but that quickly subsides because OMG THERE’S A CULLEN IN HER HOUSE!!!1

Just as she steps inside, to turn on the light, she realizes that she’d seen Victoria on the water, and is all like “Oh, I hope she’s not in here waiting to eat me now that I pissed off Jacob and he ran off.”

If only.

Chapter Nine

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

God, how did I get so bleeding far ahead? I’m on chapter 18 in my actual reading. I have to find something else to do on my afternoon break.

Okay, chapter nine, let’s see… oh right, this one.

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

Ow that hurts. Lost moon? Seriously? Are we that unabashedly codependent?

It’s okay, because Bella has Jacob to distract her from all her terrible, horrible problems. Or just the one. Which isn’t even a problem. She’s still too stupid to realize that the Cullens have done her a favor.

Jacob gives Bella a box of candy hearts for Valentine’s Day, and jokes about her being his valentine and slave for life. Oh, but Bella knows he isn’t joking, she knows, and tries ever so hard to think of a way to reestablish their boundaries. She does this by saying she can’t bike on Friday, she’s got to go to a movie with her “friends.” When Jacob’s face falls, she reneges on her steadfast ironclad strong-willed indomitable determination to Just Be Friends, and invites him too.

I’m not sure how she didn’t “accidentally” end up with more boyfriends this way.

Random mortal friend #27: Who’s that guy you’re with, Bella? New boyfriend?
Bella: Oh, no, he just thinks he is.
Random mortal friend #27: Uh. Are you going to tell him he’s not your boyfriend?
Bella: Well I tried! I told him he was too young. But then sort of called him beautiful, shared an overlong hug, and invited him to a movie.

It hurts to know that people like this actually exist.

So Bella invites Mike to a movie, since it looks like she lied about the movie thing to begin with. Lying seems just about as easy as breathing to her. Mike starts to get the Wrong Idea so she quickly orders him to invite everyone else they know, too. Poor Mike. He needs to kill himself or be an injun or something to get this girl’s attention.

Well, as luck would have it, everybody either cancels because they don’t like Bella, or they’re sick with some flu. So it’s just Bella, Jacob, and Mike. Oh, this couldn’t possibly get awkward.

“I remember this guy,” he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. “The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?”

Bella: Gee, Jacob, are we talking about Eric, Tyler, Mike, or Edward?

The boys posture needlessly at each other and play “Bella likes me more” for the whole day. Bella has to sneak Jacob into the theater, because he’s ~*so much younger*~ than her. They sit on either side of her and subtly try to hold her hands. Then suddenly Mike gets sick and they go home. Woooo! I think the Golf Channel is probably more exciting than this.

Jacob and Bella wait in the lobby while Mike ralphs in the bathroom. Jacob puts an arm around her, and she protests, leaning away from him. So, he grabs her hand, and asks if she likes him better than Mike, or any of the other guys she knows. Ah, very mature.

“But that’s all,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

It was hard to answer, to say the word. Would he get hurt and avoid me? How would I stand that?

Uh, I don’t know, like an adult? Oh, I have an idea, why don’t you keep lying and pretending like he’s your boyfriend, so he doesn’t get hurt! I’m sure that’ll work out super for both of you in the end.

Jacob insists he’s okay with her just liking him as a friend. He asks if it’s still “the other one,” and quickly adds that she doesn’t have to talk about it. Good, I really don’t know if I can stand more of this melodrama.

Anyway, they finally address the issue of Jacob liking her more than she likes him, and he insists that isn’t something that bothers him, as long as she’s okay. When Mike finally stumbles out of the bathroom, they drive home. Jacob is burning up now too, but swears he feels fine. Bella immediately assumes the flu, but we know what it is–werewolf puberty.

Bella angsts some about how she’s damaged, empty, broken, wasted, etc., and that Jacob is wasting his time. Booooohoohoo. She justifies her need to use him as a crutch, though. Yet again, we are shown that Bella is more than capable of doing stupid, horrible things (taking cold medicine to sleep, insulting her father, using Jacob), but we are treated to a dissertation on how she would normally never, ever do this. Someone is in denial about their perfect little Mary Sue.

Jacob decides that maybe he is feeling ill, and excuses himself out.

“It’s just that, I know how you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down–I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”

This paragraph made me love Jacob. Edward never did or said anything like this–all he’s ever done is hurt Bella, and then Smeyer shoves in our faces how he really only did it because he loves her. Jacob is a good kid. He actually seems to care about Bella and want her to flourish, have fun, live life, unlike Edward’s whole tepid “no if i made u a vmapire u would miss prom” BS.

However, the fact that later Jacob is just as abusive and manipulative as Edward makes me hate Smeyer even more.

Jacob leaves, promising to call when he gets home. Bella goes inside, wishing Jacob were just her brother. Fun fact, did you know Stephenie’s brother is named Jacob? Self-insertion characters indeed. Bella waits by the phone, but Jacob never calls. When she calls back, it takes eight rings for Billy to pick up and say “Oh, uh, yeah, he’s too ‘sick’ to call. Right, ‘sick.’ No no no, don’t come over here, just stay at your wolf-free home. Uh huh. Yeah. Bye.”

So Bella throws up some (the flu, not the melodrama, this time), and passes out on the bathroom floor. She spends the whole day there sleeping on a towel.

Charlie claimed that he had to work, but I suspected that he just wanted access to a bathroom.

Chica, your father sucks.

So Bella gets better 24 hours later, which is a real drag, because I was really getting into that riveting throwing-up action. Do you guys see why it was hard for me to muster the strength to even recap this? Bella finally gets a hold of Jacob, who still sounds like crap. It’s the werewolf. Flu. Werewolf flu. He’s totally not a werewolf!

And so he hangs up.

Uh, end of chapter.

Wow, I am so wasting my time with this book.

Chapter Eight

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

Jacob begins the arduous process of teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Or, rather, he would, if the author herself knew anything about riding a motorcycle.

They finally get the stupid thing started, and as Bella begins to accelerate forward, she, of course, hears Edward’s voice in her head.

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.

I love how she never imagines him apologizing for hurting her, or telling her how much he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Edisode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.  The more she tries the bike, the more she hallucinates Edward trying to control her some more, which, for some reason, makes her happy. When she finally starts zooming down the road, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast it was “blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it,” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, the stupid bitch is not dead. The bike lands on her, she takes a face dive, and she just sort of bleeds from her head a little. That’s it.

Jacob insists on driving her to the hospital. Bella resists, because the hospital, will, of course, ask questions. Good God. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around her head, puts the bikes in the back of the truck. The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

Also, she hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly, so she can try to kill herself again tonight. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ♥

She takes some time to stare at Jacob while he’s missing a shirt.

Jacob noticed my scrutiny.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.

Wow. Way to “break it off,” you little slut. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea now.

Anyway, she has seven stitches in her head, ho hum. Bella’s very clumsy so she’s used to this sort of thing by now. Remember, guys? Remember her one flaw? Remember how very clumsy she is? She tells her father that she fell and hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage, which Charlie doesn’t really give a second thought to. I love how she can lie without a second thought.

She seems to be healing, at any rate. The pain of losing her ~*one true love*~ isn’t as intense now that she’s got delusions and Jacob the Wonder Rebound to keep her distracted.

We get a time-skip of about two weeks, and narrative is introduced by way of saying that Bella was in the ER again and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the “I fell” excuse.

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner.

I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.

Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

“This didn’t happen in the garage,” I protested quickly. “We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.”

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically.

You know, a good father would have gone “mysterious injuries, bizarre cover-up stories… what is that boy doing to you?” Charlie just sort of lets her convince him it’s because she was working at a sporting goods store and it “rubbed off” on her.

In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually, you know, doing things in life, even if her reasons are self-destructive and harmful on multiple levels. Now that Edward is gone, she seems to have some modicum of freedom, freedom that Jacob is keen to encourage in her. It’s too bad everyone keeps telling me that Smeyer later writes Jacob as a major flaming douche bag. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

Bella complains to Jacob that Charlie is getting nosy, and he suggests they cool the bikes. Bella tries to think of some other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals.

Jacob, an injun, already knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course for their hike, joking about seeing the “super bear.” When they finally get to where they’re going, he’s surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But Bella felt ~*so safe*~ around Edward, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger senses.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking going on here, but I’ll spare you the details. Bella eventually asks if Jacob’s heard from Embry since he joined Samentology. Jacob says he hasn’t, gets all bummed, and puts an arm around Bella. Her justification for not shaking it off and attempting to reestablish their boundaries is he just looked sooo sad. Good God, I hate this bitch.

Anyway, they don’t find the meadow, and agree to try tomorrow. I seriously feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this chapter. Why won’t something happen. Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches? For Christ’s sake, she could have cut all this “character development” bull she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole hateful, virulent series into one God damn book.

Please, Stephenie, please, inflict your midlife crisis on someone else.