Archive for fursplosion

Chapter Eighteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.

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Chapter Fourteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lalala, let’s go meet the werewolves who get angry and rip girls’ faces off~

Predictably, all four are angry that Jacob brought Bella along. Jacob insists she can help, and the kid named Paul laughs it off as “oh sure the leech-lover wants to help us kill vampires.” Paul gets super pissed, and… oh, here, just read.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, werewolves explode. They do not morph, grow, blink, etc., they explode. Don’t believe that’s the mental image intended?

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too.

Werewolves explode. They fursplode.

Good God.

So there’s a wolf fight, and it’s super riveting and stuff. Bella’s trying not to piss herself in fright (because she’s a strong heroine) while the boys place bets on which wolf is going to waste the other. Sam orders them to take her to Emily’s, and he rushes after the two fighting teenager-wolves, kicking off his shoes as he goes.

What? Are shoes the only things that get torn up in the transformation? Oh goodness, we can’t have nudity in our young adult novels.

Embry and Jared joke about what a hothead Paul is as they go to gather the shredded shoes. Wait, they’re picking up clothes, too. Why did Sam favor his shoes so much? I’m freaking confused.

The boys continue to argue over who’s going to win the scuffle, while Bella preoccupies herself with worrying over them, since that’s all she’s good for. Embry argues that Jake’s got a gift and could kick Paul’s ass any day. The male protagonist is the best at what he does? Get out of town. They drag Bella to Emily’s house.

“You’ll have to ride in the back,” he told Jared.

“That’s fine. I got a weak stomach. I don’t want to be in there when she blows.”

“I bet she’s tougher than that. She runs with vampires.”

Hate to break it to you, Embry, but this girl screams after dreaming about trees.

So we’re going to Emily’s house. She’s Sam’s fiancée. Embry warns Bella not to stare at her, “it bugs Sam.” I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going.

The house is small and cheerful, and a young beautiful woman is busying herself with blueberry muffins. Bella at first thinks she’s not supposed to stare at Emily because she’s so pretty, and then Emily turns around.

Half of her face is completely disfigured from a series of raking scars.

Oh, I am really not going to like this.

Emily finds out this is Bella Swan standing in her kitchen, and gives her a hard look.

“So, you’re the vampire girl.”

I stiffened. “Yes. Are you the wolf girl?”

She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. “I guess I am.”

Because anybody who likes Bella is automatically a good person, we immediately trust Emily. Bella notices that Emily’s scars extend down the right side of her body, all the way down to the back of her right hand, and makes some comment about how hanging out with werewolves must have its risks.

Ho hum, your boyfriend brutally mauled you. Since he loves you so much I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

Sam shows up and kisses Emily. Bella has a panic attack because of how obviously they ~*deeply love each other*~ and tries to ignore the throbbing of her chest hole. Good God, would you get a grip already.

Jacob and Paul arrive, having made up. Bet money changes hands. Muffins and eggs are eaten. Wounds heal rapidly, which we are told is a “wolf thing.” Um, no it’s not. Jacob let’s everybody know that Victoria is after Bella, after all. Jared suggests they use Bella as bait, which I think is an excellent idea, but everyone else, of course, is all concerned for her safety. They come up with some plan or other to trap Victoria, and in the meantime, they’ll keep Bella at La Push as much as possible to keep an eye on her. It won’t seem weird to Charlie because March Madness is going on and they’ll just invite him over to watch all the games.

At the end of the day, however, Charlie does want to know what’s going on, since he thought Bella and Jacob had a fight over this whole gang thing. Bella tries to blow it off.

“I don’t know–who can understand teenage boys? They’re a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and his fiancée, Emily. The [sic] seemed pretty nice to me.” I shrugged. “Must have all been a misunderstanding.”

His face changed. “I hadn’t hear that he and Emily had made it official. That’s nice. Poor girl.”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

“Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season–horrible accident. It was more than a year ago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.”

Because he was in no way involved I’m sure. Way to go there, chief. Besides, Sam ~*loves her so much*~, he wouldn’t possibly disfigure her.

Bella meditates on whether or not she is a hypocrite. She asks herself if she would have loved Edward all the same if he had eaten people (I mean, more than he already did), if she wouldn’t have had the sense to stay away from him if he was a murderer (I mean, a murderer of good people, not just bad people).

I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

…So I guess that’s a yes.

Jesus.