Archive for unintentionally hilarious

Chapter One

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Today was quite an adventure. I slept poorly, so I was unhappy and tense all night. I had to wait for my new prescription to fill at Target for thirty minutes–and for the full thirty minutes, a little girl screamed and wailed and kicked and shrieked about something stupid, while her mother gave her half-hearted stop-thats. And then we realized we’d forgotten something, so I, in my tired cranky state, had to walk to the store to pick it up. I picked up a snapple iced tea–my only treat so far in an otherwise bleary day. I then, promptly, dropped it when I got home, scattering fake glass shards everywhere.

Tl;dr — I’m in a foul mood.

The perfect time to start recapping Eclipse, wouldn’t you say?

New Moon left us with several things to ponder.

Would Bella convince herself to settle for Jacob, in an effort to make him “happy”–by which we all assume means she would continue to use and manipulate him, only they’ll totes be getting married and having 2.5 children to go with it?

Would Edward be able to side-step the (hastily cobbled-together) treaty Jacob’s family defends, give Bella her (flamboyantly selfish) wish of becoming one of the beautiful dead? Would Edward even give it an honest try, or hide behind Jacob’s lukewarm threats as an excuse to not give Bella phenomenal supernatural power, so he can continue controlling her life?

Could Stephenie Meyer have possibly been more obvious in her desperate, pathetic wish to be Isabella Marie Swan?

Will Rachel ever forgive herself for remembering what Bella’s middle name is?

I’m fairly certain Eclipse will neatly avoid answering all of these questions. Except for maybe the last two. Ugh, seriously, of all the things to stick in my brain.

So there’s a prologue. The last two books had prologues as well–there’s a very good reason I didn’t recap them, and that is that these prologues accomplish nothing. The preface of New Moon consisted of Bella running dramatically, and the sun being bright, and a clock tolling. I’m not sure why it even exists, other than to express a falsehood–the prologue tries desperately to be exciting, whereas the rest of the book is content to flop languidly somewhere between “dull” and “is there something on the Golf Channel I could watch instead?”

Anyway, this preface vaguely suggests that there’s a fight going on somewhere, and there’s “black eyes” watching Bella, and a wolf howls.

YEAH THAT’S IT. Is she just trying to bump up word count or something? Is this really the only way she knows how to foreshadow?

Forget this, on to the first chapter.

We are greeted by a new font (every time someone hand-writes something, we absolutely must have a new font, so we can know what their handwriting looks like!!), and several paragraphs scratched out.  After a few crossed-out paragraphs of passive-aggression, Jacob finally decides on “Yeah, I miss you too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.”

Why the hell didn’t he just grab a new piece of paper?

Bella cradles the thing like it’s a love letter from her husband in Iraq. Apparently she and Jacob are passing notes via their fathers. Are the injuns too poor for email or something? Bella whines for a while about how Jacob’s pain is her pain, and I find it difficult to feel sorry for her.

Charlie is trying to cook. Apparently he has never, um, read a book, or something, because he put something metal in the microwave. Cue wacky sitcom music and canned laughter! Oh Dad you should know by now to leave the cooking to the women. His attempt at spaghetti is a lumpy mush. How the hell did he even feed himself before Bella arrived if he can’t make freaking spaghetti?

Also, Edward. Bella is still prissy as all get out over using the word “fiancée,” which makes just as much sense as it did in the previous book. Edward is only allowed to see her from seven to nine-thirty, because she is totes grounded. But he also sees her at school. And then sneaks into her room at night. So um, way to go on that grounding, Dad. Somewhere in this explanation is the longest sentence I think I have ever seen–

Ever since my former best friend (and werewolf), Jacob Black, had informed on me about the motorcycle I’d been riding on the sly–a betrayal he had devised in order to get me grounded so that I couldn’t spend time with my boyfriend (and vampire), Edward Cullen–Edward had been allowed to see me only from seven till nine-thirty p.m. [sic], always inside the confines of my home and under the supervision of my dad’s unfailingly crabby glare.

Check it out, kids–seventy-seven words long, two parenthetical asides, one set of hyphens, and two adverbs. This must have been after Stephenie realized she was too good for an editor, and all she needed was a publicist.

Actually, I’m fairly certain the first half of this  chapter could be easily summed up in one big mama run-on sentence.

Back to the dynamic dialogue! Charlie reads the news, and is angry. Seattle had five unsolved homicides in the last two weeks! HORRORS. This is actually because of vampires but we don’t know it yet.

Bella takes a moment to Make This All About Her and thinks about how many different people want to kill her. This makes her tremble in fear, because she is strong and independent.

Charlie finally gets around to the point and talks to her about her friends. Apparently she doesn’t see them. Shocker! Charlie is willing to ease up on her grounded-ness if she promises to actually, you know, go see people, instead of spending every waking moment with her creepy boyfriend. Yeah yeah, whatever, sure, I promise. He says something about how “for a teenager, you’re amazingly non-whiny,” which makes me laugh until I choke.

P.S. The reason Bella has less friends now is because Lauren and Jessica don’t like her, and have an “anti-Bella agenda.” We are supposed to think they are both major bitches because they don’t like Bella. Never mind that they both dislike Bella for very valid reasons.

Um, this goes on for a few pages. I wonder if Stephenie is trying to address complaints that Bella has no life outside her possessive controlling boyfriend? Or if she really just thinks I want to read six pages of Bella’s father going “Make some friends, dammit!”

The conversation finally ends. Bella gets her mail, which includes a letter of acceptance to University of Alaska Southeast–chosen specifically because Juneau has an average of 321 overcast days a year. Ew. Charlie opened it first, which is lol a crime.

Then, the moment you’ve all been waiting for arrives–Edward shows up. And he’s miraculous, with perfect pale skin, a square jaw, full lips, sharp cheekbones, a (uh) marbley forehead, and rain-darkened bronze hair.

Also he’s cold and dead, manipulative, and devoid of any personality. But we get three paragraphs describing how beautiful he is, so I guess I’d better respond with ~*he’s so dreamy*~

They touch each other and gaze into their eyes and then Charlie shows up and ruins everything.

Edward has brought a set of college applications as their front. Charlie asks where Edward has been accepted to, and he’s all “Oh, you know. Syracuse. Harvard. Dartmouth. University of Alaska Southwest.”

And Charlie doesn’t even bat an eye dear Lord.

Edward mentions something about going shopping, and Charlie freaks out about Bella going to Seattle. I would make a comment about how big Seattle is and how unlikely it is she’d run into the new vampire serial killer who mysteriously drains every body of blood, but… well, this is Bella we’re talking about here, and she’d probably go wandering unsupervised through back alleys the first chance she got.

Edward wouldn’t have taken her to Seattle anyway. He was thinking Portland. Four and a half hours away. God, it must suck to live in Forks.

Jesus, this just keeps going. Bella decides she doesn’t want to fill out the Dartmouth application, and goes to crumple it up and throw it away. Edward snatches it away from her, and announces that he signs her name better than she does anyway. That’s right. He’s forging her signature on the applications to colleges he wants her to go to. I don’t care if you think it’s sweet that he’s trying so hard to get her into Dartmouth. If you think Edward is chivalrous then you are wrong.

Bella doesn’t even think twice about this, neither about how creepy it is nor controlling he can be. Oh, Edward, you’re just trying way too hard for her sake!

This is also the first time we ever–ever–hear about new vampires. Apparently, they are ravenous beasts with no self-control. That’s funny. I seem to recall Alice’s backstory involving her calmly having visions about Jasper and then going to find him. But maybe we’ll retcon that now that something new has come in and overridden everything.

Anyway, guess what, Edward confirms that the killings in Seattle are being done by a new vampire. But the Cullens, apparently, don’t give a crap–it’s not their territory and it’s not their business. That’s just downright compassionate of Carlisle, wouldn’t you agree?

They talk about going somewhere safe to eat animals, just the two of them. Edward mentions how awesome wolves taste, and Bella gets all panicky. Jacob is having a hard time right now, and it’s all her fault! Edward tries to tell her it isn’t, while the rest of us go “YES IT IS.”

When Bella brings up that Charlie’s condition for her not being grounded is she needs to be friends with Jacob again, Edward throws a fit. It’s “out of the question.” It would “break the treaty.” Does she want to start a war? There’s no point in discussing this.

What just happened?

He tries to change the subject to Wuthering Heights (the first book I’ve ever seen Bella read in the whole of this series), and she changes it back. He absolutely will not let her see Jacob. No discussion. No compromise. He then goes back to his favorite tactic–blaming all the bad things that happen on her, since she is a “trouble magnet.”

And then we get three more pages of him telling her which friends she can and can’t see, culminating in this:

He kissed the top of my head and sighed.

“No werewolves.”

“I’m not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.”

“Then I’ll have to stop you.”

He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn’t be a problem.

I was sure he was right.

WHAT

I mean

Ohhhhh he’s sooooooooo protective of her, trying to save her from the big bad werewolf that has never actually done anything to hurt her and was, in fact, a better friend to her than Edward has ever been. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the misogyny inherent in these amazing, brilliant books. Telling her which friends she can and can’t see certainly isn’t a symptom of abuse, and Edward is really very chivalrous in protecting her from things she doesn’t need protection from, and, in fact, without her even asking!

Edward Creep-o-meter: (Where one is “Take him home to meet Dad Charlie,” and ten is “change the locks, get a pit bull, file a restraining order, and buy a taser”) Seven

Chapter Twenty-One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.

Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.

They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?

They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.

They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.

Then, Aro appears.

Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.

Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.

Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.

Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.

“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.

Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Caius: Whatever.

Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.

Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”

Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.

I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.

Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?

Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.

Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!

Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…

Nothing happens.

Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?

Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?

Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.

Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.

Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.

Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.

Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.

They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.

…Okay, I have a question.

Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?

Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.

Chapter Nineteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

Chapter Fourteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lalala, let’s go meet the werewolves who get angry and rip girls’ faces off~

Predictably, all four are angry that Jacob brought Bella along. Jacob insists she can help, and the kid named Paul laughs it off as “oh sure the leech-lover wants to help us kill vampires.” Paul gets super pissed, and… oh, here, just read.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, werewolves explode. They do not morph, grow, blink, etc., they explode. Don’t believe that’s the mental image intended?

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too.

Werewolves explode. They fursplode.

Good God.

So there’s a wolf fight, and it’s super riveting and stuff. Bella’s trying not to piss herself in fright (because she’s a strong heroine) while the boys place bets on which wolf is going to waste the other. Sam orders them to take her to Emily’s, and he rushes after the two fighting teenager-wolves, kicking off his shoes as he goes.

What? Are shoes the only things that get torn up in the transformation? Oh goodness, we can’t have nudity in our young adult novels.

Embry and Jared joke about what a hothead Paul is as they go to gather the shredded shoes. Wait, they’re picking up clothes, too. Why did Sam favor his shoes so much? I’m freaking confused.

The boys continue to argue over who’s going to win the scuffle, while Bella preoccupies herself with worrying over them, since that’s all she’s good for. Embry argues that Jake’s got a gift and could kick Paul’s ass any day. The male protagonist is the best at what he does? Get out of town. They drag Bella to Emily’s house.

“You’ll have to ride in the back,” he told Jared.

“That’s fine. I got a weak stomach. I don’t want to be in there when she blows.”

“I bet she’s tougher than that. She runs with vampires.”

Hate to break it to you, Embry, but this girl screams after dreaming about trees.

So we’re going to Emily’s house. She’s Sam’s fiancée. Embry warns Bella not to stare at her, “it bugs Sam.” I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going.

The house is small and cheerful, and a young beautiful woman is busying herself with blueberry muffins. Bella at first thinks she’s not supposed to stare at Emily because she’s so pretty, and then Emily turns around.

Half of her face is completely disfigured from a series of raking scars.

Oh, I am really not going to like this.

Emily finds out this is Bella Swan standing in her kitchen, and gives her a hard look.

“So, you’re the vampire girl.”

I stiffened. “Yes. Are you the wolf girl?”

She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. “I guess I am.”

Because anybody who likes Bella is automatically a good person, we immediately trust Emily. Bella notices that Emily’s scars extend down the right side of her body, all the way down to the back of her right hand, and makes some comment about how hanging out with werewolves must have its risks.

Ho hum, your boyfriend brutally mauled you. Since he loves you so much I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

Sam shows up and kisses Emily. Bella has a panic attack because of how obviously they ~*deeply love each other*~ and tries to ignore the throbbing of her chest hole. Good God, would you get a grip already.

Jacob and Paul arrive, having made up. Bet money changes hands. Muffins and eggs are eaten. Wounds heal rapidly, which we are told is a “wolf thing.” Um, no it’s not. Jacob let’s everybody know that Victoria is after Bella, after all. Jared suggests they use Bella as bait, which I think is an excellent idea, but everyone else, of course, is all concerned for her safety. They come up with some plan or other to trap Victoria, and in the meantime, they’ll keep Bella at La Push as much as possible to keep an eye on her. It won’t seem weird to Charlie because March Madness is going on and they’ll just invite him over to watch all the games.

At the end of the day, however, Charlie does want to know what’s going on, since he thought Bella and Jacob had a fight over this whole gang thing. Bella tries to blow it off.

“I don’t know–who can understand teenage boys? They’re a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and his fiancée, Emily. The [sic] seemed pretty nice to me.” I shrugged. “Must have all been a misunderstanding.”

His face changed. “I hadn’t hear that he and Emily had made it official. That’s nice. Poor girl.”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

“Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season–horrible accident. It was more than a year ago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.”

Because he was in no way involved I’m sure. Way to go there, chief. Besides, Sam ~*loves her so much*~, he wouldn’t possibly disfigure her.

Bella meditates on whether or not she is a hypocrite. She asks herself if she would have loved Edward all the same if he had eaten people (I mean, more than he already did), if she wouldn’t have had the sense to stay away from him if he was a murderer (I mean, a murderer of good people, not just bad people).

I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

…So I guess that’s a yes.

Jesus.

Chapter One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My excellent friend Lukas has lent me his copy of New Moon. I didn’t ask why he had a copy of New Moon, and he agreed to let me write all over it. It’s a fair trade, I think.

And so, we begin.

Chapter One is a recap chapter, and with it comes all the glories and hardships of trying to sum up Twilight in less than 30 pages. You were all there, you saw what happened, but I’m going to recap the recap anyway.

The chapter starts off with a dream Bella has about being a wrinkly gross old lady and Edward wishing her happy birthday. Old people are disgusting! Bella wakes up and we learn that it is, in fact, her birthday. We are treated to 30 pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is now that she’s 18 and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet.

Bella, it turns out, is one of those people who absolutely hates it when people celebrate their birthdays. I know that these people exist in real life–I am dating one, much to my chagrin, and not wanting a birthday is sort of analogous to not liking fun, in my opinion. But we make do. It took a few years for him to even start letting other people know when his birthday was, and it took me a few years to learn that he wasn’t going to want to party hard. Much like my boyfriend, Bella hates attention and people doting on her. Even though she likes that Edward is so super-obsessed with her. I’m sure.

Bella drives herself to school. My eyebrows quirk. She drove herself? What’s going on here? Edward and Alice are waiting for her there, Edward as boring and gorgeous as he was in the last book, and Alice her adorable self, holding a silver box. Bella is like so totally embarrassed. She doesn’t want any presents, you guys! Not to mention she’s in a terrible mood because 18 is like so old and she’s going to be wrinkly any day now. Bella drops the hint that this is what’s upsetting her so much, and Alice tries to lighten the mood.

“Eighteen isn’t very old,” Alice said. “Don’t women usually wait til they’re twenty-nine to get upset over their birthdays?”

“It’s older than Edward,” I mumbled.

ANYTHING NOT EDWARD IS UNGOOD.

But Edward was dead set against any future that changed me. Any future that made me like him–that made me immortal, too.

An impasse, he  called it.

I couldn’t really see Edward’s point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing–not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.

And, ever so casually, Bella addresses my single greatest complaint about Stephenie’s stupid “vampires.”

Oh well, anyway. Alice asks Bella when she’s going to be up at “the house,” to which Bella immediately gets angry. She didn’t want a party! No party! No birthdays! NO FUN. BELLA IS VARY GROWNUP. She tries to come up with a few excuses for why she can’t come over, finally settling on “I have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class.” Edward agrees, saying he’ll just drag her to Chez Cullen at seven, so Alice has more time to set up.

Bella tries to argue with Edward, but, as usual, he convinces her to shut up and he gets his way.

They go to class. Now they have every class together. Bella makes an offhand comment about how “it was amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to do for him.” Silly women, so easily manipulated. I guess none of them are lesbians.

Mike, by the way, has lost some weight, and is purposely trying to style his hair like Edward’s. I grabbed a pencil and wrote “UGH” right next to this sentence. Sorry, Lukas.

We are treated to some exposition about how Bella is not used to getting presents, because she grew up po’, on her mom’s kindergarten teacher salary. Hold up here. Mom has a job, suddenly? And wait, now Bella does too. I’m confused. Am I still reading a Twilight book?

Wait, kindergarten teacher is one of those pre-approved made-for-women jobs. I see through your ruse, Smeyer.

Anyway, you guys, Edward is like so rich. He and Alice play the stock market, cause she can like, see the future, you know? So he’s like totally loaded. But Bella refuses to let him spend money on her. That’s like, so unfair, you know? Because he’s so perfect already, she has so little to offer in return. Never mind that if he started buying everything for her, too, I would probably just start sobbing incoherently.

Edward and Alice and Bella sit at the same long table as her mortal “friends” at lunch. The mortals largely ignore the vampires, because they can sense poorly written characters their predators. The other vamps have, apparently, graduated. Again. Who knows how many times they’ve done this. You know, Forks is exactly one of those small towns someone would end up spending their whole life in. Do the Cullens only come back to Forks after the oldest possible high school classmate has died, to keep the façade?

Sigh.

All right, after being treated to Brief Reminders about how the Cullens are totally vampires and school is sooo boring, Bella attempts to drive herself home. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

I folded my arms, and made no move to get out of the rain. “It’s my birthday, don’t I get to drive?”

“I’m pretending it’s not your birthday, just as you wished.”

That’s right. Edward is only letting her drive because it’s her birthday. I laughed so hard I snorted. He bitches for a while about how much her radio sucks, and then tells her to perk the hell up because it’s her birthday, damn it. They kiss.

Edward had drawn many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent being to keep me alive. Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about such trivial things like that when he was kissing me.

“Be good, please,” he breathed against my cheek.

Women are such base, thoughtless creatures, driven purely by their irrational emotions. It’s a good thing Edward is here to constantly urge her to “be good,” so he can continue to withhold sex as a means of controlling her.

They watch Romeo and Juliet. Edward bitches about what an idiot Romeo is. I find Smeyer’s attempts at irony rather pathetic. At the mutual suicide scene, Edward comments about how lucky Romeo has it, that he can just take some poison to kill himself. We are then treated to about two pages of Edward making light of his own suicidal thoughts. If Bella would have died in that last book (remember, guys? remember how “she fell down the stairs?”), he was planning to kill himself, most likely by going to Italy and pissing off the Volturi, the ruling class family of vampires. Bella is horrified at this, and reminds him that if he had died, he wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself. Are we sure this is a Twilight book?

Dad Charlie comes home, with pizza. Bella asks, hopefully, if Charlie wants her to stay home for her birthday, and he replies that there’s a Mariners game today so he won’t be good company. Awesome, Dad. Your daughter is turning 18 and you’re all “can’t talk game on.” He tosses Bella her gift, a camera (she almost drops it because she’s very clumsy remember guys she’s clumsy), and tells her… you know what, I’m just going to quote it.

“Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn’t been over in a while.” Charlie’s mouth pulled down at one corner.

“It’s been three days, Dad,” I reminded him. Charlie was crazy about Alice.

EWWWWWW EW EW EW EW EW

A teenage girl who brings her friend over and becomes aware that her parent, her dad, her father, has a thing for said friend, would be grossed. the hell. OUT. MUCH LIKE I AM.

Bella seems to think there’s not really anything wrong with this.

So we are reading a Twilight book, after all.

Edward drives Bella in her truck to Chez Cullen, bitching about her truck the whole way. My word, this man is a whiner. He tells her to try to lighten the hell up, since all the vamps in vamptown are super excited for her birthday (apparently they don’t celebrate them anymore.)

You know, I’m sorry to make this so quote-heavy, but you guys have to got to see this.

“So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything that you’d like for your birthday?”

The words came out in a whisper. “You know what I want.”

She’s talking about having a Bite Day, but I’m imagining that they’re talking about sex.

A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. […]

“Not tonight, Bella, please.”

“Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

HEYO!!

Alice doesn’t give her what she wants (not in this chapter at least), but she does decorate one hell of a party. There are paper lanterns decorating the outside, every flat surface inside the house is covered in pink candles and bowls filled with roses. A table near the piano is draped with white, and covered in yet more  candles and roses, and topped with a pink cake and a pile of silver-wrapped presents. Alice is too freaking sweet for words and I think I love her more by the minute.

It was a hundred times worse than I’d imagined.

…God, Bella is an ungrateful bitch.

The first gift is a car stereo, which Emmett is installing at this very moment, so that Bella can’t attempt to take it back. Oh, you. Edward hands her his present, assuring her that he hasn’t spent any money on it. Bella, an idiot, cuts her finger on the wrapping paper.

And all freaking Hell breaks loose as the little twit starts bleeding ever so slightly.

Edward and Jasper slam into each other, knocking Bella into the table. Jasper goes into a blood frenzy. Emmett tries to wrestle with him. Bella realizes that since she fell into a table full of crystal bowls, there is now a huge gash on her arm from all the shattered glass.

So she’s bleeding even more. Oh Lord.

Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm–into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.

All because the little bitch got a paper cut.

Before those of you who are, I don’t know, smart, start to bring up that obviously this means Jasper should be freaking out over any woman who’s on her blooming period, I have some things to enlighten you on.

Stephenie Meyer, it seems, was posed this question several times. If all it takes is a drop of blood from a papercut to send Jasper into a frenzy, how can he, or any of the vamps for that matter, attend a high school where, at best, one in every four girls is menstruating? Instead of just saying “That’s gross and I’m not writing that,” which I would have come to expect and would even have accepted from Stephenie, she said this:

Several girls wanted to know if Edward would have a more difficult time being around Bella when she’s having her period. Answer: Yes, a little bit, but he would never say anything about it–much too much of a gentleman. And Bella would be way to embarrassed to ask. (It’s not the same as a cut, though. It’s sort of “dead” blood, if you get my meaning).

I tried to find this on her website’s FAQ and it seems to have been taken down. Gee, I wonder why. It’s not like you just called nutrient-and-blood-rich uterine lining, the same stuff that is the fuel and fire for the Miracle of Life dead or anything. It’s not like you just proved what a colossal moron you are with that one simple sentence.

This series never fails to deliver.

Discussion questions

Posted in Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You’re never going to believe this, guys. There are discussion questions in the back of this book. Like someone is going to suggest this for their local Oprah Book Club.

Let’s have a look…

1. Is the fact that Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts more important than it seems? Do you think it will serve a larger purpose?

It does serve as a startling way to show the lengths he will go to control and manipulate her. He makes a point of reading the minds of her friends while she’s talking with them, so he knows exactly what she’s saying about him. I guess it’s supposed to have something to do with this “glitch” in her brain Bella talks about earlier, and how they’re totes soulmates and stuff.

And it could also have to do with the fact that if he could read her mind, all he would hear is white noise. Wake up, Eddy, there’s nothing to read in there.

2. Bella faints at the smell of blood. If she were to become a vampire [recapper’s note: LOL], how might this serve as a hindrance? How might it be an asset?

Spoiler time. Because Bella is disgusted by blood, it means that when Edward turns her into a vampire in the fourth book, she is immune to bloodcraze. I am not even joking. So she will get all the good things about being a vampire, and will have nothing to do with the one. single. flaw.

Aren’t we just HAPPY for her???

3. Is Edward selfishly putting Bella in danger, or is Bella being too stubborn for her own good? Is it a little bit of both? What are the threatening factors facing Bella and are there ways to avoid them?

I wouldn’t put it past Edward, in my own mind, to purposely lead her into danger so he can save her time and again to force her to create a dependency on him. I wouldn’t put it past Bella, in my own mind, to consciously put herself in danger so that Edward feels the need to constantly be near her to protect her  (Hell, she actually considers this at some point in Twilight).

And I guess we can expect to see a lot more seriously boring vampire twit villains in this series. Hooray for monologging.

4. Temptation is a major theme in Twilight–more accurately, resisting one’s temptations. Discuss the subplot of Carlisle’s job as a doctor in relation to this major theme. How well does he handle temptation? What do you feel would be the most difficult part for him in his role? Why does he remain working as a doctor when the Cullens don’t seem to need his income?

Yeah, you know, I would like to discuss the subplot of Carlisle’s job as a doctor. Namely, how he still is one.

Carlisle was born in London, in the 1600s. Before the United States existed, and before we had things like social security cards. What I want to know is how he has managed to fake being a person to the point where he can hold a job as respected and screened as medical practitioner.  Does he have a fake ID? fake SSN? Rosalie and Emmett get remarried every few years, to keep up appearances, but Smeyer never explains if Dr. Cullen has to re-attend medical school every few decades to keep up on the latest methods of treatment. Or does he still use leeches and believe in humorism?

(Hint: The reason she explains the remarriage but not how Carlisle can hold down a job is because marriage is way more important than having a job.)

I’d also like to know how the Cullens “don’t seem to need his income.” Carlisle is the only family member with a job. Come to think of it, none of the women in this book have jobs. Alice and Rosalie are “in high school;” Esme is a stay-at-home vampmom; Bella is a listless, whiny little tramp; Bella’s mom just follows her super-young baseball-playing husband around like a lost puppy…

Here’s my own discussion question. Why does Stephenie Meyer hate women?

She totally doesn’t, you see. She believes that feminism is about choice, and if every single one of her female characters choose to stay at home and have babies and have no life outside of their husband and kids, then, by golly, that’s their choice, and they’re feminist for it! If her main character chooses to dig herself deeper and deeper into a controlling, manipulative relationship characterized by abuse and “hurting to protect,” well, by golly, that’s her choice, and she’s a strong role model for girls everywhere!

5. The Cullens live, act, and care for one another as a family. How much of their ability to do so is dependant on Carlisle’s rule that they live in a manner that contradicts their nature–hunting animals instead of humans? Do you think that they would be able to maintain their bond if they weren’t all committed to this plan?

Oh please.

The only reason they hunt animals instead of Bad People in this book is so Stephenie can have wonderful, perfect, beautiful, caring superbeings as the protagonists. Her attempt to create a conflict in “but just drinking animals is like only eating tofu” falls completely flat. One, Carlisle actually overcomes his bloodlust. Two, Edward, when faced with the tasty, tasty buffet of Bella’s O+, seems to have little to no problem not partaking (and spoiler, he later becomes “immune” to her.) Three, the only person who ever bitches about this lifestyle is Edward, in an attempt to look edgy and brooding. The hunting animals instead of humans aspect of vampirism is an easy out for Stephenie to have characters who are Good In Every Way, instead of, I don’t know, well-rounded, three-dimensional characters, with real flaws. “Too perfect” or “can’t have babies” are NOT FLAWS.

6. Edward saves Bella on more than one occasion. Discuss the different instances and how Bella reacts before she knows what he is and after. Also discuss how Edward reacts after each instance both before and after she learns he is a vampire.

Lord, there was a difference? Let me try to remember.

Bella, before she finds out Edward is a vampire, is less committed to loving him forever and forever. Once she finds out he’s one of the beautiful dead, and can make her one, too, she is immediately caught up in the glamor of faux-suicide and the romance of “dying” for someone you love.

The good news is that before she learns he’s a vampire, she doesn’t expect him to save her. This all dissipates when she realizes that he’s like totally strong and stuff.

I really don’t think Edward gives a damn either way.

7.Alice explains to Bella the theory of how vampires come to exist. She mentions that most have some memories of the transition and their life prior to it. How does what we learn from James about Alice’s past explain her lack of memory?

Uh. Are you serious?

She was a frigging vegetable.

8. Once Edward has tasted Bella’s blood, do you think it will make it harder to resist Bella–specifically her blood? Will the fact that he is able to control himself make Bella want to be changed into a vampire? Do you think that it is fair of her to ask that of him? Do you think it is fair of him to refuse?

Ugh. Again, let’s recap the pros and cons of being a vampire.

Pros:

1. Super power carried over from your natural skills in life (reading minds, seeing the future, loving people will all your heart, etc.)
2. Super strength, speed, and senses.
3. Aphrodisiac breath.
4. Heart-stopping beauty.
5. Don’t need to breathe.
6. Totally immortal, to the point where only chopping you to pieces and lighting the pieces on fire will kill you.
7. Sparkles.
8. An easily-overcome addiction to human blood.

Cons:

1. NONE WHATSOEVER.

OF COURSE BELLA WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE. I still think the only reason Edward is refusing is because if she were just as strong as him he couldn’t order her around. What he fails to realize is that Bella’s supervampire skill will be “obeying everything Edward says,” because she did it so well in life.

And, to address the first part of the question, you would think that tasting the forbidden fruit of Bella’s blood would make him want it more, but no. Sadly, this is not the case. He grows immune to her smell, and while he still appreciates it, eventually gets over his fear of accidentally eating her if she dares to open-mouth-kiss him.

Sigh.

9. Jacob Black tells Bella a story about his tribe and the “cold ones.” He doesn’t believe any of it but says his father clearly dislikes the Cullens. If Jacob’s father believes the Cullens are dangerous, why doesn’t he warn Bella or Jacob? Is he protecting a secret of his own?

Oh God. One, HE DOES WARN BELLA. ALL THE FREAKING TIME. HE PAID HIS KID TO GO TO PROM AND TELL HER TO BREAK UP WITH EDWARD. HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

The secret is that Billy Black has a Myspace and picked up all his social talent on the world-wide web.

10. Stephenie Meyer has noted that each of the novels in the Twilight Saga pays homage to other literary classics.

Sorry, I have to stop here. Are you freaking kidding me?

Okay, continue.

For Twilight, she has said Pride and Prejudice was the key inspiration.

….Are you serious?

Pride and Prejudice is often described as a “romantic comedy.” What parts of Twilight are romantic? What parts are comic? Describe the similarities between Elizabeth Bennet and Bella Swan. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Edward Cullen. What role would Bella’s friends play in a “remake” of Jane Austen’s classic story?

Oh.

My.

God.

I think the world has finally snapped.

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it is utterly ridiculous, insulting to a classic work of actual literature, and only serves to further feed Stephenie’s bloated ego.

Twilight — It’s Pride and Prejudice. With vampires.

I’d much rather read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, personally.

Chapter Twenty-Four is the last chapter

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 56

Oh God, can it be? The light at the end of the tunnel? The reassuring lack of pages on the right side of this book? Am I really almost done?

Bella wakes up in a hospital. Edward is there, having never left her side. She has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, bruises all over her body, a bite mark on her hand… and do you know what they’ve told her mother?

She fell down the stairs.

Oh. My. God.

Anyway, he fills her in. James is dead, Alice saw the tape, Mom is here somewhere, etc. Bella panics when she sees the IV in her arm, because she hates needles. Ummm they don’t… leave the needle in there. Chill out, sister. Edward makes some comment about how ridiculous it is for her to be afraid of needles when she so bravely stood up to a murderous undead minion of the night intent on draining her blood. That wasn’t exactly bravery, Ed. You didn’t have to read the hotel room chapters with her curled in a ball and staring at the ceiling for hours on end.

The story they’re feeding Mom is that Edward came to Phoenix with Carlisle and Alice to “talk some sense” into Bella. Of course he came with adult supervision, he makes a point of saying, “virtuously.” Bella, being herself, managed to fall down two flights of stairs and through a window.

I’m sure the cop father will totally freaking buy this after how freaking upset she was at Edward. Fell down the stairs MY ASS.

Then there’s this little number:

He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.

He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart.

Her heart. Stops. When he kisses her.

I just. There. Her heart. What? I don’t think I have any words for how bleeding stupid this is.

Speaking of that, HOW THE CRAP ARE VAMPIRES IN A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WHEN THEY FREAK OUT AT THE SMELL OF BLOOD.

Oh God, my head.

Mom comes in, Edward pretends to be asleep. There’s the page of “you’re okay oh my sweet baby I’m so glad you’re okay,” and then Bella asks where Phil the Husband is. GUESS WHAT, Phil got signed to that baseball team he wanted in Florida and so now they’re moving to Florida oh and Bella you’re going to love it it’s so warm and sunny and the house is just darling and we’re right near the ocean and–

Bella interrupts Self-Centered Mom to inform her that she still has another parent she’s living with in Forks. Mom is aghast. She wants to stay in Forks? Mom may be egocentric, but she isn’t stupid, and soon zeroes in on the fact that it’s because of Edward.

“Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he’s incredibly good-looking, but you’re so young, Bella…”

Wait, what? 17 is too young to have a boyfriend? What rock has she been living under?

Does everyone just automatically assume she’s going to marry him? I mean, she is, but c’mon. At least inject some semblance of reality into this.

Mom starts glancing at the clock. Bella asks if visiting hours are over, and Mom lets her know that Phil is going to be calling soon.

…Okay, so. Your daughter is broken all over, has been unconscious for days, and after talking to her for maybe 20 minutes you bail because Phil is calling soon.

Between Charlie’s inattentiveness and Mom’s extreme immaturity… I think I can see how Bella sprang into being.

It’s okay, Edward is here. After Mom leaves, he expresses surprise that Bella wouldn’t want to live in Florida. She says that’d be silly–he’d have to stay indoors all day! Bella, unfortunately, has missed the point, and Edward further suggests that perhaps he should live farther from her so he doesn’t, you know, draw more vampires to her and her delicious blood.

Bella has a panic attack, right then and there. So codependent is she, she can hardly imagine what it would be like to live without this marvelous creature. Despite the fact that she was doing great just fine okay for 17 years without him. She makes him swear that he won’t ever leave her, ever, ever.

Oh Godddd.

More “I’m dangerous and could hurt you,” because we certainly haven’t gotten enough of that. Bella wants to know why he didn’t just let the venom run its course and let her become a vampire. UH OH, WHO TOLD YOU. Edward gets pissed. Bella argues, in the clearest burst of logic she has displayed in 500 pages, that she should get to save him sometimes, too, to make things more equal. Edward is having none of that. If she were a vampire, he wouldn’t be able to control her as easily she would be throwing the rest of her life away.

Dude, what life? She has no friends, no hobbies, no goals, no family (her parents are both pretty sub-par so I’m not even counting them), and essentially she just exists to get married to you and have your abominable undead baby. Speed things up here. We could have wrapped this all up in two books. Even Alice has seen this coming.

Edward says no, and that means no. Bella points out that eventually she is going to get old, like 25 old. And then it’s going to be creepy that she’s hanging out with an extremely pretty 17 year old. That actually seems to drive it home for Edward, but he ends the conversation by calling the nurse in to drug Bella up some more. I wish I were joking.

And… done!

Wait. Crap, there’s an epilogue. CRAP.