Archive for volvopire

Chapter Six

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Sweet salivating savior.

Now, I know some of you are gearing up for the possible excuses I will make. Maybe there have been betting pools. Well, let me set your minds at ease. Here is an exact list of everything I was doing for the last month:

  1. Writing a vampire novel
  2. Doing everything else I possibly could other than read Eclipse

I know, I feel your scorn even now. “This is a recap site,” you are all saying. “It is basically required that you read the books you are actively hatin’ on.”

But riddle me this, dear readers. What better possible statement exists on the quality of Eclipse than “Despite the fact that 40,000 people on the internet wanted me to, I could not bring myself to even look at this book for more than a month”?

I rest my case.

And with that, let me tell you all a little something about Chapter Six.

Edward creep-o-meter: A big ol “Welcome Back” 10.

When we last left off,  Bella was driving home after an unbelievably exciting chat with Jacob. You all remember Jacob, right? Big fellow? Werewolf? A friend Bella isn’t allowed to have, according to Edward?

Bella drives herself home, and out of nowhere, the Volvopire is behind her. He doesn’t honk. He doesn’t insist she pulls over. He just follows her all the way to her mortal friend’s house. Bella is terrified. She thinks briefly on how she’d been hoping to have some time before facing Edward, and how she’d at least wanted to have Charlie around, to “force him to keep his voice down.” Replace those words with “force him to keep from swinging at her,” and this whole scene makes even more unsavory sense.

So Edward continues to just. follow. her. as she drives to Angela’s. When she pulls into the drive, he keeps going. Yep. Just wanted to make sure where she was going. Just wanted to intimidate her. There was no other purpose for that drive. Just wanted to scare the piss out of his girlfriend.

Angela and Bella stuff envelopes. Don’t remember why she agreed to this. But it means we have an excuse for Bella to pretend like she even gives a damn about mortals still. She attempts to try to talk to Angela about what’s happening with Edward v. Jacob, without mentioning any of the werewolf/vampire stuff that would likely get her thrown into a ward. Angela keenly points out that Edward is jealous. Noooooooo Angela you just don’t get it that’s not it at all because Edward is perfect and selfless and wonderful and barf barf barf.

Angela’s boyfriend comes back, and Bella begins to tremble because that means she has to go home and face her insanely jealous, controlling, manipulative — I mean, selfless, perfect, wonderful, protective boyfriend.

Her whole drive home is anxious. And then, this.

“I’m going to go study,” I announced glumly as I headed for the stairs.

“See you later,” Charlie called after me.

If I survive, I thought to myself.

OH MAN YOU GUYS. It is so hilarious having a boyfriend who could kill you at a moment’s notice and is also incredibly emotionally unhinged!

Edward glares at her silently for several minutes. How dare she go see her friends? She finally explains how alive and unharmed she is, to which Edward just whines that he was soooo close to breaking the treaty and starting a war and it would have been all her fault.

They argue over how Bella wants to have friends and Edward won’t let her. They seriously argue about this. He refuses to negotiate on her seeing Jacob because he is “dangerous.” Wow, what a sweet guy. Bella delivers some stupid speech about being Switzerland. They joke about her smelling like dog. Whatever. God, I hate this.

THE NEXT DAY. Edward is going to go hunting again because he had to come back and save Bella from absolutely nothing when he found out she was hanging out with another boy.

We’d come to no agreement on the werewolf issue, but I didn’t feel guilty calling Jake–during my brief window of opportunity when Edward took the Volvo home before climbing back in through my window–to let him know I’d be coming over on Saturday again. It wasn’t sneaking around. Edward knew how I felt. And if he broke my truck again, then I’d have Jacob pick me up.

There is so. much. wrong. with that paragraph, I don’t even know where to freaking start.

Alice picks Bella up from school. This is odd. When Bella asks where Edward is, Alice just says they left early. Then she excitedly announces that ALL the boys have gone and Bella and her are going to have a slumber party which in no way is to be translated as 1st degree kidnapping and house arrest.

Alice is not repentant in the least. Edward bribed her with a porsche, so Bella is now legal hostage. In fact, no one really seems alarmed at this at all. Bella is going to be held at Cullen Manor for two days. She is only allowed to leave for school. She only gets one phone call to Jacob, and that is only to let him know that she won’t be coming over on Saturday after all.

“Alice, don’t you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?”

Also in the running for Most Obvious Answer: “Alice, don’t you think bears shit in the woods just a little bit? Just a tiny bit of defecation, maybe?”

Alice, of course, thinks nothing of the sort. Edward is just–wait for it


–and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting her safe!

Alice, I loved you once.

Bella uses her one phone call to tell Jacob their plans are canceled. He immediately suspects the bloodsuckers, and for good reason. Bella jokes–she jokes–that she is being held prisoner. Jacob’s immediate response is that he is coming to get her. God, I love this kid.

After this, Bella calls Edward to leave a bunch of half-hearted, lukewarm threats in his voicemail. “You are in trouble. Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”

Ha ha, it’s so funny that he can coerce his family into kidnapping his girlfriend when he’s not in town so he can continue to keep tabs on her every move. You are in BIG TROUBLE, MISTER!

Alice escorts Bella to Edward’s room, where she’ll be sleeping. This is ostensibly to show her the enormous bed Edward moved in there, but it is also probably to keep monitoring her for any signs of rebellion.

Bella, because she is an enormous idiot, refuses to sleep on the bed, and curls up on the couch in “defiance.” You know what else is defiant? Getting your phone and calling the God damn cops.

Rosalie comes into her room in the middle of the night.

Whoa, did it just get a lot more sexy in here, or is it just me?


Crap, there’s an epilogue.

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Bella, all dolled up in a fancy dress, with a fancy do, and a fancy leg boot, is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, dressed in a tux. Alice spent all day prettying her up, which actually is sort of a cute mental image. With how Alice’s hair is described (sticking out in all directions, like she were just shocked–hey!), I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out of this with a fauxhawk or something.

Oh, and, Bella has no idea what’s going on. Not until Edward gets a call from Charlie, informing him that Tyler wants to know why Bella isn’t there to be his date to the prom.

Oh MY GOD Bella throws a fit. I would, too, if I were somehow stupid enough to not know that high school prom was coming. Crap on a stick, how meatheaded and tunnel-visioned do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…

Right. Bella.

Well, all the  vampires are there. By the way, Rosalie still hates her and her still-living womb. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraphs about just how pretty they are. Edward helps Bella dance by having her stand on his shoes like she’s a toddler.

Suddenly, injuns!

Jacob Black is here, for some unknown reason. He sidles up to the happy mixed-race couple and asks if he can dance. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.

He fills her in. Billy the Meddling Indian paid Jacob $20 to come to this prom. Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (speaking of which.. how did Jacob get here? he’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?

The reason Billy paid Jacob to come to prom was specifically so he could find Bella and tell her that Dad wants her to break up with Edward.

How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?’

Bella says no. Duh.

Jacob finishes the message with “We’ll be watching,” looking intensely embarrassed the whole time. Poor kid. I can’t believe daddy is sending him on his drama errands. I would have told the old man to stuff it, personally, but Jacob is in love with this idiot and wanted to see her dancing with some gorgeous white kid all night.

Edward reappears, glaring at Jacob until he leaves. He then sighs and says how much that native kid is getting on his nerves. Bella isn’t pretty, what an insult, she’s much more than even beautiful. Ugh.

Anyway, Edward leads her outside, and they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day, which Edward immediately calls absolutely retarded.

Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented. Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and simply kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!

I will leave you with the last paragraphs of this stinkfest, this pile of refuse, this hot burning injection of pure misogyny, codependency, abuse and necrophilia.

I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.”

And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you


Chapter Nine drives like a maniac because it is psychic

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 53, not counting the ones used in all the terrible, terrible dialogue.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is… you know, I don’t know if I even care any more.

The list of manpire powers grows ever more ridiculous.

Edward drives Bella home from Port Angeles. Normally, it’s about an hour’s drive, but Edward is cruising along in the Volvopire at a hefty 100mph. Bella freaks out on him, and he just rolls his eyes. Women, always with the backseat driving. He casually explains to her that since he can read minds and all, he never gets in accidents, and he never gets tickets–because he can hear the thoughts of any cops around him, so he knows to slow down in time.


There is more stilted conversation regarding exactly what the hell Edward is. Bella confesses that she doesn’t fear him at all, which Edward seems to take like a shark hearing the sea lion say “I really don’t believe you’re going to devour my entrails.” There is more talk of how dangerous he is and how he’s a monster and he might totally eat her and stuff, oooh aren’t you frightened. Bella disarms him by saying that Jacob informed her that the Cullens don’t eat people, only animals. (Which brings up the joke that apparently since the Cullens eat animals, they call themselves vegetarians. Uh, what?) Edward is disappointed that his facade of murdering deadly deadliness has been given away, so he tries even harder to convince her of really terribly frightening he is, complete with talking about how maybe they really just shouldn’t see each other, for real this time. He backs this up with more thinly-veiled insults to her competence, stating that he was horrified she was going to get herself killed at the beach, and that after tonight he clearly needs to monitor her safety more  so he can eat her later.

They finally get to her freaking house, after killing me softly with their “sexual tension,” and Bella gets out to leave. She’s been wearing Edward’s jacket this whole time, sniffing it when he’s not looking (something I honestly would do if the guy smelled as good as Edward is probably supposed to). As Edward leans closer to say good night to her, his breath catches her in the face and she realizes that that is the smell on his jacket.

That’s right. Vampires exhale Axe Body Spray.

We are left with the pivotal quote of the book:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how potent that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

D’aww. Wait, don’t you two basically have nothing in common? And haven’t we heard nothing of what Edward looks like other than his dead white skin, brown hair, and dazzling angelic strikingly gorgeous befuddlingly elegant smouldering good looks? And hasn’t he basically been stalking you for more than half a year? And isn’t he… you know… dead?

And doesn’t he want to freaking eat you?

Chapter Eight proves that Bella is a colossal moron

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 79. 79!! I really think I’m on to something with this whole “Edward makes adverbs” theory.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a haughty 2 and a half.

Good lord, this is getting ridiculous.

Bella and her grrl-friends go shopping in Port Angeles. I have to admit, I have not actually been to Port Angeles, so I am currently googling it. It looks like Smeyer got close to right on the name of the restaurant they go to–it’s Bella Italia, not La Bella Italia. A minor point.

An aside, I would also like to tell you that, much to my horror, there is a Twilight-related gift shop in P.Angeles called “Dazzled By Twilight.” Barf barf barf barf.

I guess I should actually recap this chapter. Where was I? Bella and her grrl-friends are shopping for dresses. It’s thrilling stuff. When they finish, Bella decides that what she’s always wanted to do is wander aimlessly through a town she’s unfamiliar with, alone, with no protection, and so she does so. Her friends barely argue. Something about a book store. I’m alarmed that a girl from Phoenix Freaking Arizona is totally okay with going anywhere on her own, until I remember that this is Bella we’re talking about. And they say Darwin got it wrong.

She attempts to find a bookstore, and is disappointed to find only a New Age store, with crystals, beaded curtains, and a white-haired hippy woman at the counter. Sweetheart, welcome to Western Washington. Gird your loins and clear your chakras.

After more aimless meandering, thinking desperately of Edward, Bella realizes that she’s alone, in a dark part of town, at night, with a group of rough-looking men leering at her. And is somehow shocked.


Bella attempts to outpace her would-be attackers, and is caught in a clever trap, only to have Edward come out of nowhere in the Volvopire and save her. She does not even question why he is here, she simply follows his barked commands and gets in his car. I would say this is out of the frying pan and into the oven, but we are getting beat over the head with how “safe” Bella feels around him, so I’m not surprised to see that all she does is moon at him for being a hero.

Edward is livid–probably because his future snack almost got herself offed–and explains that he has a problem with his temper, and that he is considering running the hoodlums down and murdering them. We are supposed to be awed by his dedication to protecting Bella. I am wondering when he’s going to snap and Bella has to start telling stories about how she “fell down the stairs.”

Bella is driven back to the Italian restaruant her friends were going to meet her at, rather than the police station. I mean, duh, what could they possibly do? She is shocked that Edward knew which restaurant to go to. Her friends are understandably scared and are glad to see she’s okay, although both of them are wary of Edward suddenly appearing out of freaking nowhere to save her. They’ve already eaten–Edward insists that he is buying Bella dinner and then driving her home personally, despite her protests. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling.

Edward charms the pants off the greeter, and this lovely exchange occurs:

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

“Do what?”

“Dazzle them like that–she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

He seemed confused. […] He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. “I dazzle people?”

“You haven’t noticed? Do you think everyone gets their way so easily?”

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?

If only I didn’t already have my tagline.

Dinner is… awkward? Awkward is a good word. The manpire attempts once again to explain just how dangerous he is by telling Bella if she hadn’t had dinner with him he probably would have committed a few murders tonight. He admits that he can read minds and that’s how he knew they were going to Port Angeles–he followed her here. Bella at this point thinks to herself “Should I be upset that he’s following me?” and immediately dismisses this.

I clutch at my skull in despair.

He also makes a point of mentioning this is actually the third time he’s saved her life–the first being that time in Biology when he totally almost ate her. You guys remember that? What a riot! Oh man, she dodged a bullet there.

They start their drive home, wherein Edward indicates that it’s Bella’s turn to start talking. Oh, this should be rich.

Chapter Four, when does Bella get likeable?

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 55. I’ve noticed the presence of adverbs seems to increase when Edward shows up in the narrative.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a slightly-improved 2.5. She is showing signs of reason and seems to recognize that she is insane… for however briefly.

For the next week, Bella is the center of attention and SO TOTALLY HATES IT. The Tyler kid who almost hit her with his van is still trying to make amends, HOW IRRITATING. He even sits at her table at lunch now, joining Sweet-Polite-Mike and Chess-Club-Eric in the Bella Fan Club. SHE TOTALLY HATES IT.

Man, if three cute guys I knew liked me were constantly showering me with attention, that would be the worst.

…is Bella a lesbian? She doesn’t seem to have any problem with the girls who moon over her.

Edward ignores Bella for six weeks. Yep. He sits next to her in Biology and just doesn’t look at her. She begins to think that he regrets saving her life–I’d make some comment about what a stupid twit she is for considering this, but this is honestly possible since Edward seems to have massive psychological problems.

Unfortunately for Bella and her man-hating ways, the “Girl’s Choice” dance is coming up. Her friend Jessica wants to ask Mike! Aw wait it looks like Mike turned her down, so he could ask Bella to ask him. Bella deftly manipulates him into feeling bad for giving Jessica a “maybe,” and then, despite the fact that there is Nothing Wrong With Mike, she makes up some bogus excuse about going to Seattle that day. Also, apparently Bella is SO CLUMSY that she will cause herself and others bodily harm by going to a high school dance.

An aside, the only dance I ever went to was prom, but I have reason to believe that if someone had asked me to any other dance, I might have gone. Except for I’m a bit of a man-hater myself. I digress.

After Mike asks her, Edwards takes this moment to stare at her for a few minutes. Not at all creepy. Bella has a moment where she realizes that all this time she’s spent obsessing over a guy who is clearly sociopathic is unhealthy–good girl!

Edward then decides to talk to her, for reasons unknown, but only to tell her that they shouldn’t be friends. “Forget how friendly I was to you before and during saving your life, I’ve decided to cause you emotional pain by now ignoring you for no good reason. I know this will only make you want me more.”

I’m paraphrasing.

Bella accuses him out loud of regretting saving her life, which seems to make him angry. Well, all right, there’s no “seems” about it, since Stephenie loves to just up and tell me how people are feeling. It saves me a lot of brainpower. Observe–

“He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.”
“He was definitely mad.”

What, no “his eyes flashed as the muscles in his jaw clenched, fists balling under the desk as he regarded me with a cold and baleful stare?” Think of all the adverbs you could fit into that, sweet author! On second thought, your readers are 15 year olds who just want to get to all the not-sex scenes, so the effort would just be wasted.

Bella can’t believe that Edward wouldn’t want to be friends with her. This totally ruins her day… again. Even worse, Chess-Club Eric is waiting by her truck to ask her to the dance. I thought this was Girl’s Choice? Incredibly, Bella echoes my thoughts. This girl has brief flashes of clarity that make me wonder if she doesn’t know she’s in a terribly written vampire novel. Eric is shunned with the same stupid Seattle excuse, and he “slouches off.” Poor guy, being a nerd is apparently a physical ailment.

Edward happens to be nearby enough to be creepy, and then pulls his car (“a shiny Volvo”) out in front of Bella’s truck so she can’t pull out–which gives Tyler enough time to come up to her window and ask her to the dance. Bella snaps at the poor guy (“I HATE IT WHEN BOYS LIKE ME”) and considers rear-ending the Volvopire.

Bella’s friend Jessica calls her while she’s making dinner, excited to tell her that Mike agreed to go to the dance with her. Bella continues her newfound love of manipulation by suggesting the other two girls at their table ask Eric and Tyler to the dance as well, so she doesn’t have to deal with her awkward and confusing lack of attraction towards anything with male genitalia, I’m sure.

Yes, I’m implying Edward doesn’t have any balls.

Speaking of that freak, he’s hovering around Bella the next morning as she gets out of her car, and catches her keys with inhuman swiftness when she drops them. Bella asks how he can appear out of thin air like that, and he says “It’s not my fault if you’re exceptionally unobservant,” because he clearly loves making his women feel helpless, confused, and crazy. P.S. his eyes have been changing color from black to “warm honey” all chapter, and it’s making me feel helpless, confused, and crazy.

Edward insists that they still shouldn’t be friends, because it’s for the best. Then he asks if Bella needs a ride to Seattle. NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY. No, it’s that he wants to be near her, but they still shouldn’t be near each other. Essentially, he’s artificially created a need for secrecy and inflated the forbidden nature of their relationship.

Bella, being a teenage girl, is hooked.

His last line in the chapter, I swear to God, is

“You really should stay away from me. I’ll see you in class.”

This kid needs medication.