Archive for June, 2009

In All Seriousness

Posted in Post is Unrelated on June 26, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I am losing steam with the recaps. When it comes down to “play Puzzle Pirates, go out with friends, or watch a really bad movie with giant robots” versus “read a Twilight Saga book,” there really isn’t much contest.

But I understand my duty, and that is to read Twilight so you don’t have to. And I promise you, no matter how dull it gets, no matter how offensive, misogynist, and downright ridiculous, I will continue to recap.

I plan to maintain and enforce a schedule of recaps every Tuesday and Sunday, barring acts of God or 21st birthday parties. If only so I don’t have to hold on to someone else’s copy of Eclipse for more than a few months. Frowny face.

I also want to point out a few nitty-gritty changes to the blog: There is no longer an approval process. WordPress’ spam filter has more than satisfied me, and I do not feel the need to check if everyone posting is a robot. If you were a giant robot, however, that would be a different case. Also, comment replies can now reach seven tiers, instead of just three. This should hopefully alleviate some confusion in the “discussions” you guys have (which seem to largely be about… let’s see… what shape Bella’s nightlight is?)

As always, you can send good thoughts and misspelled missives to manpirepowers @gmail.com. I check it occasionally! So you might actually get a response. Thanks for continuing to read about my descent into madness.

Epilogue

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Aaauuuugghh

I was content to play Puzzle Pirates until my skull turned as soft and porous as a Sara Lee spongecake, but will my mother settle for anything less than me continuing to read this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said before, about… whoa, wow, more than a week ago (can you guys really blame me?), there is an epilogue to this story. It really is more like an additional chapter. I’m not sure what sets epilogues apart from honest-to-God chapters, but then, neither, apparently, does Stephenie.

So, okay, the epilogue.

Everything goes back to normal a la a 30-minute sitcom. Math is still really hard. Bella’s friends still think she’s a loser. Edward is forcing Bella to go to college (for her own good). We are treated to a small aside about how, of course, Edward has already gone to Harvard, so he doesn’t need to go to a particularly prestigious college this year–wonderful for everyone since Bella has no goals whatsoever and will probably end up shuffling her way to community college.

Already been to Harvard? Why the hell is he even bothering with high school anymore? Is he really just doing it to pick up girls 90 years his junior? (blegh)

There’s thinly veiled plot mechanisms, and then there’s Stephenie Meyer’s writing.

Bella and Jacob are no longer BFF, and I say, good for him. He’s not returning her phone calls, and Bella is wondering “oh no was it something I did,” which we all know the answer to: yes yes a thousand times yes. Bella waits until Edward is kicked out every night (by a “grimly gleeful” Charlie) to make her calls to Jacob, because Edward gets an angry (dare I say, jealous) look on his face any time she mentions Jacob’s name. This is because he wants to protect her, and it has nothing to do with possessiveness or his need to control her. I swear.

The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

That doesn’t come until Breaking Dawn, as many of you know. A minor spoiler for those of you who don’t know–the only reason Jacob has been so madly in love with Bella is because he is actually the destined soulmate of her dhampyr “half-vampire” daughter.

Yes. I’m serious. He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

So, in short, Bella will marry Edward, have his baby, and Jacob will get the consolation prize–the baby. The only reason I have the will to continue reading this crap is to get to the shining paragon of übercrap that is Breaking Dawn.

Anyway, where was I. No longer BFF. Bella throws a snit in front of Edward on the way home over it, and he tries to convince her that it’s not her they hate. Right, no. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly be Bella that’s the problem here. Everyone freaking loves Bella.

When they get home, Charlie is in a rage, and there in the driveway is Jacob’s truck with the two bicycles in it. Oh man, he totally told Daddy on her. Bella is livid, and, because she is a girl, starts crying. Oh my gosh, Jacob is like so totally mean! Yeah, she more or less says that.

I could never imagine Jacob could be so petty and just plain mean.

Welcome to breaking someone’s heart, you stupid slut.

So um, they have a yelling match. Edward keeps Bella behind him at all times, to “protect” her. Bella accuses Jacob of wanting Charlie to have a heartattack just like Harry–there’s the manipulative girl we’ve come to know and love. Edward does the floundering plot a favor and reads Jacob’s mind–Jacob turned in the bikes and tattled on Bella in the hopes that she would get grounded from seeing Edward. This impressive leap of logic brought to you by: teenagers.

Bella whines that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t come to La Push to complain at him for not taking her calls. Jacob is all “oh, uh, oops,” and Edward, once again, violates the poor kid’s privacy by reading his mind.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

Not exactly a stretch, considering later Edward does just exactly this. Edward then decides to do the chivalrous thing and thank Jacob for taking care of Bella while he was gone. I had an ex pull this once and it pissed me off more than anything else–I don’t need a man to “take care of me,” and neither, for that matter, should Bella. But since she is a character written by Stephenie Meyer she absolutely depends on men to rescue her from something as mundane as a God damn paper cut, so I guess chivalry is alive after all.

Jacob also takes the time to warn Edward that the treaty means that if he bites a mortal–say, oh, I don’t know, his girlfriend–then the treaty is off and it’s werewolves vs. vampires time. Oh nooo dear God I hope that actually happens. These books are so freaking lame and boring a good old fashioned fight scene might do us some good.

Edward and Jacob fight over who’s going to kill Victoria (who has disappeared, by the way. She was the “villain” of this “book” and wasn’t in a single freaking scene), and Charlie roars and shouts for Bella. She pauses before running off to accept her punshiment so she can look at Jacob with big, wet eyes and say “You pwomised we’d still be fwiends.” Edward pulls her away, and even Bella notes that it’s in restraint instead of protection. Everybody shouts for a while.

Uh, yeah. Jacob finally leaves, and Edward and Bella go to Charlie. Uh.

The end.

Wow.

Well.

I, uh. That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.

I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.

Our thoughts are with you, Mr. Pattinson

Posted in Post is Unrelated with tags on June 21, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

We interrupt your irregularly scheduled recaps to bring you this heartbreaking story.

On Thursday the 18th, Robert Pattinson (also known as “EDWAAAARRRRD OMG IT’S EDWARD!!!!!!111!! ♥♥♥♥”), was forced to make a terrible decision.

A horde of Twilight fans, or oncoming traffic?

As someone who hates the Twilight Saga with almost as much eloquence as the much-chagrined Mr. Pattinson, my heart goes out to him. I think we all would have made the same choice.

Formal apology and retraction

Posted in New Moon, Recap on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I would like to issue a formal apology and retract my statement in the previous entry,

Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

Pringles are actually quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. They also come in a handy, inobtrusive package, which can double as a tennis ball holder.

Edward Cullen, on the other hand, is flat, boring, and will not hold your balls for you.

I hope Procter & Gamble will forgive my attempts at humor at the expense of their tasty snack food.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”

I THOUGHT CARLISLE SAVED YOU???!

I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?

Wow.

Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.

My Conundrum

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags on June 16, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You may be wondering why the recap of the last chapter (and following epilogue) are so late in coming. Well, I have some heavy news to relate, and something to get off my chest.

The thing is, folks, that the final chapter and epilogue of New Moon are… well… they’re just so good. I never expected it. They wrap the book up–and even the loose ends of Twilight, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn (an interesting feat, given they hadn’t been written yet)–in such an utterly sublime way that I am completely at a loss for words. I’ve had to retract everything terrible I’ve ever said about the Twilight Saga, Stephenie Meyer, and all their wonderful Mormon fans. “Vote” of New Moon single-handedly saves the series. The love scene alone would have done it for me–who would have thought Emmett and Victoria were hiding such a torrid affair–but add in to it the shocker of Carlisle and Esme’s divorce, Jasper’s outing as a transexual, and Bella’s final understand of the Cosmic Truth–that all things are inherently vampire, and to become a vampire is to reach enlightenment–and we have something approaching literary masterpiece. And then, the finale! the brutal murder of Edward by multiple stake-wounds to the heart! Are there vampire hunters in this universe? I hope Eclipse will enlighten me!

The characters of Esme and Jasper–sorry, Jasmine–have grown a great deal in just the span of twenty pages. Esme as the tragic “traditional” woman, trapped for eternity in the age she was created in, and trying to find her way in the new century–simply brilliant. And Jasmine’s new-found sexuality, and the challenge in helping other vampires to understand her unique lifestyle choice… I’m just speechless at the sudden turn in quality of writing and plot here.

I’m not sure what to do, guys. The last chapter of New Moon has completely changed the way I think.

I don’t think I can keep this blog up anymore.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let me just say that this chapter reminded me of why I missed Edward.

Bella wakes up, and Edward is still there. She believes she is hallucinating him, or that she has died and somehow Edward is in Heaven? I honestly have no idea. She finally gets herself together long enough to ask what time it is and how long she was sleeping. It’s one in the morning, she was asleep for 14 hours.

So they arrived in Forks at nine in the morning? Then they landed in Sea-Tac at about the same time the sun was rising. Oh I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers.

Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned Edward from the house, on account of Bella going missing for three days… which is probably the only smart thing Charlie has done in almost 1,000 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he pick now to act like her father? I just did the math, btw, and she was gone for two days. But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.

They make small talk, because of course that’s what you do after you rescue your ex-boyfriend from his own suicide. Edward has been tracking Victoria, actually, which leads him into this huge apology about how he should have been paying attention to Victoria’s thoughts that one  day back when they played baseball, because then he’d see that she and James were mates and that obviously she’d want to kill Bella too.

Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing.

Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.

Edward, in a patronizing sort of way (because this is Edward we’re talking about) asks if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.

“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“So what if I was dead?”

That’s what I’m saying!

Edward takes this moment again to insult her (“Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”). Uh, yeah, Ed, we all do. “I don’t want you. I’m tired of being human. Yadda yadda.” How could we possibly freaking forget after the 500 pages of hole-talk.

So Edward finally owns up and admit that he was lying when he said all that. SHOCK!! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he’d never get rid of her, and she’d never understand that he was dumping her to protect her, so he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course.

Then things get… well, as messed up as only Edward can make it.

“I lied, and I’m so sorry–sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.

“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault.

God, Edward, I missed you.

He shakes her some, and says “Bella, really, what were you thinking?” and she starts crying.

Good God all the Twitards were right, this really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her.

I will never find true love like this!

Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out.

Oh, the Volturi come back up. Here we go! Edward insists that the Volturi are not a problem, because we count years like they count seconds, and they probably won’t remember Bella before she turns thirty.

Bella flips the hell out. THIRTY?! BUT… BUT THAT’S SO OLD!! Not even joking, guys, look:

“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay? But let me get all old anyway? Right.”

Thirty–It’s All Old.

“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.

He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

“That is seriously…” I looked for the right word. “Sick.”

Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick.

Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid.