Archive for telepathic werewolves

Chapter Five

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.


Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.


Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?


Chapter Thirteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

…is called “Killer.” It really should just be called “Big Fat Whining Crying Hypocrite.”

Bella has decided to drive down to La Push and confront Jacob, who is now a killer, and killing is wrong. But she also wants to warn him that her dad is going to try to shoot him.

It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?

Are the two mutually exclusive, suddenly? She bangs on the door to the Blacks’ house, and demands to see Jacob.  Billy lies and says he doesn’t know where Jacob is, until Bella informs him that Charlie and his friends are out hunting gigantic wolves, and suddenly Billy remembers that Jacob is in his room sleeping. Bella busts in to yell at him, but is overwhelmed with pity and the urge to protect him as soon as she sees him vulnerable and sleeping. Silly, stupid women, all soft-hearted and useless. She tells Billy she’s going to be on the beach and she wants to talk to Jacob when he wakes up. I’m not sure why she bothers, since Billy hasn’t exactly been trustworthy, straightforward, or, um, adult, for this whole series. He’s probably going to pay Jacob to break up with Bella now.

Bella sits on the beach and is all introspective. When Bella gets introspective, I want to cry.

Seeing Jacob like that–innocent and vulnerable in sleep–had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn’t condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn’t work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.

… Well, then. That explains just about everybody’s behavior for all four of these books. Love isn’t logical! So stop trying to do smart things!

Jacob arrives, pleased that Bella was smart enough to figure out his oh-so-super-secretive secret. She warns Jacob about the traps and guns, which he brushes off, now growing angry that she couldn’t have just called him (since she’s in so much danger now that he’s a werewolf). He makes some comment about how the rangers are just making things more difficult, and they’re just going to start disappearing, too, which makes Bella all mad and stuff.

“What more can we do?” […]

“Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?” I suggest in a whisper.

Very supportive, Bella. Very smart. You certainly are a caring individual.

“You’re such a hypocrite, Bella–there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?” His hands shook with anger.

Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?”

That wooshing sound you just heard was Jacob’s point flying approximately 300m above Bella’s head.

“Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m not just as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”

You know, Jacob is pretty awesome.

They continue bitching at each other, with Bella insisting that the white folk vampires are in fact sooo much better than the injuns werewolves because they, like, don’t eat people. Anymore. Edward starts whispering in Bella’s ear again as Jacob begins to lose his temper, and Bella switches tactics to begging Jake to stop killing people. Jacob’s all “Killing people? What?”

Ohhh, misunderstandings. Bella explains she has no problem with him turning into a furry blender of death (of course), it’s that he and his pack are eating people. Jacob says they haven’t eaten people, they’ve been trying to stop the vampire that’s been eating people. Oops! Sorry I called you a murderer! BFF again?

They make up. Jacob explains further that the only reason the werewolves exist is because vampires do, and their entire purpose is to kill vampires and keep them from eating people. Sounds awesome! Bella asks if they’re still hunting Laurent, and Jacob’s all what, that one guy who wanted to bite you? Nah, we tore him apart ages ago.

I’m not sure how this works. Maybe Stephenie has a pseudo-science explanation for it later. I thought the only way to kill a vampire was tear it to pieces and then light the pieces on fire? Werewolves supercede that? Why didn’t Edward mention any of this?

“It was so easy, it was hardly fun!”

“What was so easy?”

“Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don’t  count that towards the whole murder thing,” he added quickly. “Vampires don’t count as people.”

Haha you marry a dhampyr in the last book, you poor son of a bitch.

P.S., if werewolves lose their temper, they turn into a wolf and go into a frenzy. Bella asks if this means they don’t need a full moon, and Jacob rolls his eyes and says “Hollywood’s version doesn’t get much right.” Apparently. Vampires have no flaws and werewolves are all Native Americans. Who knew!

They’re still after this other vampire chick, who they assume was Laurent’s mate. Bella goes into a cold sweat, nearly faints/screams, vomits, all the usual Bella behaviors, before finally telling him that Victoria is actually after her. Oh, well, that changes things. Jacob sets her on her feet and runs off into the forest. Bella, iron-willed, has a panic attack at being left alone. Jacob reappears and says he was letting his friends know, telepathically, what was going on. Yes. Werewolves are telepathic. There are telepathic werewolves in this book.

Also, the reason Jacob couldn’t tell Bella what was going on is because Sam put a compulsion on him. Sam, you see, is the Alpha of the pack, and they all have to do what he says. It’s a wolf thing, Jacob says. I’m curious to see what other “wolf things” come up, because, knowing Stephenie, she probably got as far as “Wolf packs have hierarchy!” and left her research at that.

Sam is totally a cool guy, by the way, because he was the first of the new generation of werewolves, and had to suffer through it on his own before the other kids changed. I guess that makes him cool. More like pitiable? I don’t really buy it, and it gets worse later.

“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you?” he murmured.

I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.

“Did you ever think… that maybe… you’re better off?”

I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.”

“‘Cause he wasn’t the best–”

“Please, Jacob,” I interrupted, begging in a whisper. “Could we please not talk about this? I can’t stand it.”

She just doesn’t want to admit that he’s right.

So anyway, Jacob drags her off to meet the pack since she’s got insider information and can tell them how to stop Victoria. When you consider that the best Bella has going for her in these books is a series of big strong men willing to jump into danger to save her, I really don’t know what “skills” she’s going to be able to bring to this little party.

I’m sure the werewolves with notoriously bad tempers will be happy to see her, though.