Chapter Two

When we last left our indomitable heroine weak, spiritless little floozy, she was bleeding on the floor of her boyfriend’s family’s home. Awkward.

Emmett forces Jasper outside. Everyone save Alice, Edward, and Carlisle evacuate, covering their noses. My dad used to be able to clear a room like that too, but more because he’d just had chili and less because his blood was so deliciously tempting. Bella opts to have Carlisle stitch her up right then and there rather than taking her to the hospital, because they would, of course, have questions. Thus begins Bella’s practice at hiding the injuries she sustains thanks to Edward. Speaking of which, the marble bastard is brooding and glowering the whole time, before Alice can shoo him off. Then Alice finally can’t take being in Bella’s presence anymore (she’s like an IQ black hole) and vamooses as well.

Leaving Bella and Carlisle alone in the room.

Now, it’s a well known and proven fact that if you’re a young person, and even just a little bit pretty, and Carlisle is alone with you, he’s basically going to bite you. Because he wants to “save” you. In this case, I think Carl is waiting for Ed to do the job. Maybe he’s hoping that all that time Ed spent alone in his room, listening to classical music, working tirelessly on his hair, showing no interest in girls, was just a phase.

Yes, that’s why the Cullens are so thrilled with Bella. She’s not a boy.

Bella and Carlisle have a nice little chat while he picks shards of glass out of her arm and sews her back up. They end up having a philosophical, semi-religious conversation about whether or not vampires go to hell, or even have souls. Carlisle, it seems, has been working for centuries at deluding himself into think that if he just tries hard enough, he can overcome being damned. Sorry, bud, it really doesn’t work that way.  Especially when your “doing good” is convincing yourself that damning other people along with you–children for that matter–is a swell idea.

Edward, it turns out, believes that vampires don’t have souls. Which I guess is why he doesn’t want to bite Bella. I’m not sure how much a bad thing this is for her. She’s been hollowed out completely and the only thing left inside is a note saying “IOU a personality — Stephenie.”

Anyway, Carlisle recalls the story of Edward and his parents dying of the flu back in 19-I don’t give a crap-00. Ed’s mom went first, but before she went, she grabbed Carlisle by the arm and demanded that he save her son. “You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.” Carlisle convinces himself that she knew about his “gift,” and so, he dragged Edward’s body out through the morgue, while the kid was still barely alive, spirited him off to his sanctum or wherever the hell Carl was living, and bit the crap out of him.

Now, here’s what really happened in my mind. Carlisle has been alive for near 300 years. He’s losing it. He’s a carnivore on a vegetarian diet. He’s lonely as hell. He sees a dying mother with her attractive dying son, and thinks I want one! Mom dies, demanding that Carl save her son, like any mother would, and Carlisle, in his already warped mind, hears her begging him to bite Edward. Well, shucks! She wants him to vamp Ed up. Steal the near-dead body of a young man, chew on him in various places, wait a few days, and bam! Carlisle has his own special family now, just like he always wanted.

See, if it were actually written like that, this would be a very different blog.

Edward comes back, still brooding and stone-like. They get Bella a new, non-blood stained shirt, agreeing that Charlie probably won’t notice. I’d be outraged, but they’re probably right. Charlie is a pretty terrible dad. Jasper is beating himself up for almost killing Bella (dude, I would have given you a prize if you’d pulled it off) and Alice is trying to be there for him. Mama Esme is mopping the floors with undiluted bleach. I’m not so sure that’s good for hardwood flooring, but whatev. She does it with such straight-forward efficiency that I wonder if this isn’t the first bloodbath she’s ever had to mop up.

Esme and Carlisle have a ridiculously sordid life, in my mind. I keep that fanfic idea shelved next to “Bella ditches Edward and explores the forbidden with Alice.”

Someday, Someday.

Edward drives Bella home and begins the painful process of breaking up with her. She’s an idiot and completely codependent, so she has no idea that’s what he’s trying to do.

“Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up–and he wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.”

“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?” I demanded.

“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,” he growled.

“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton,” I protested. “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.”

Oh good Lord.

They finally get to the house and stop freaking talking. Charlie is still watching the game. He actually manages to notice that she’s favoring her arm.

“What happened to your arm?”

I flushed and cursed silently. “I tripped. It’s nothing.”

“I tripped. And fell down the stairs. And hit the doorknob. He loves me okay HE LOVES ME!!

Dad Charlie buys it, Bella goes up to her room, and Edward is… still brooding. Sheesh. He brought the last two presents, one of which is a pair of plane tickets to Jacksonville care of Emse and Carlisle. The other is from Edward, and is a mix-CD of songs he wrote himself. Awwwwww he’s such a sweet tortured beast. He gets her some tylenol. She asks what he’s thinking. This is intense stuff, you guys.

They kiss, because, you know, they’re teenagers in bed. This time, Edward goes for the Forbidden Open-Mouth Kiss, breaking all his carefully established, control-enhancing rules for celibacy preventing Bella from getting nom’d. She’s all “YES YES I WANT TO DO IT WITH A DEAD GUY” when he finally pushes her away. Edward is, if I may, a cockbite. Bella seriously needs a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

My personal favorite  chapter is the one about “He’s just not that into you if he won’t have sex with you.” I believe the chapter ends on a picture of a flag, and says “Here’s a flag. Color it red. There’s your red flag.”

Wait, I’m reading New Moon. Uh, let’s see… open mouth kissing, Bella writhes around, Edward disengages. Hmm, for some reason, Edward is breathless after this. Even though he doesn’t need to breathe. That’s a bit odd, wouldn’t you say?

Before Bella falls asleep, she realizes that Edward kissed her like that in the last book, before she was sent off to Phoenix with Alice and Jasper. Oh but he couldn’t possibly be breaking up with her, setting the entire plot for the second book by spinning her off into a whirlwind of self-destruction, clinical depression, and almost getting it on with that native boy, could he?

Hurting her to protect her? That doesn’t sound like Edward at all.

59 Responses to “Chapter Two”

  1. i just laughed myself sick. you have a brilliant sense of humour, i just wish you’d use it for something more interesting then twilight. i just suffered through the last one. i had to read them to my little sisters, 11 and 13.

    ewwwww. in my mind they weren’t appropriate for little girls, or older guys. or anyone sane.

    • I agree, I shouldn’t be wasting my time with Twilight. But it’s just… it’s like the awful contestants on American Idol. I just can’t look away.

  2. Millenous Laughter Says:

    Of course not. Edward is obviously kissing her so much because he’s becoming more comfortable with his own sexuality.

    He’s just repressing the urge to retch when he kisses Bella, because actually he’s had a hard-on for Jasper for years now.

    • Right, Jasper’s just been controlling it with his emotional manipulation. Edward’s been gay this whole time and doesn’t even know!

  3. Runemist Says:

    Just wanted to say…I was very happy when I began reading the books, and found them refreshing compared to the huge, epic fantasies that I normally read, which are like slogging through the swamp with your whole wardrobe on. It’s different, but I’ll have to agree with you on…well, your whole idea.
    Bella’s like a cardboard cutout, Edward with his masculine areas…and generally, I agree with you! While I may finish the rest of the books (I’ve gone through the first and second, but own the whole series) I don’t think I’ll take it as seriously. :)

    • I agree, Twilight is definitely light and easy on the eyes/brainmeats. I’m the kind of girl that likes a good slog through a swamp, though. But I’m trying to keep that separate from how I feel about the writing, lol

  4. cutie11 Says:

    you are a bunch of assholes so f**** u cause twilight rocks

    • Goo goo ga ga!

      What’s the point of using a cussword if you’re going to censor it in the first place? Be a big girl and say “fuck” like the rest of us.

    • Lukas! Says:

      Some sample uses of “fuck”:

      1. Twilight is a fucked up book
      2. This post is fucking hilarious.
      3. Why don’t you go play hide and go fuck yourself.
      4. Why don’t they just fuck already?

      Wait I’m off topic. No no Rai. Edward is trying to *honor* her because he is just *looking out* for her.

    • kailan Says:

      Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. See? Not that hard to say.

      And no, no Twilight does not rock. It’s trash. There is nothing remotely good or intelligent about this “story.”

    • Millenous Laughter Says:

      Come on guys, for cereals here. I don’t think Twilight rocks because I think it’s disrespectful to men.

      I mean, when you’ve got an awesome character like Bella, how can any male character not? seem inadequate? He totes doesn’t deserve her guyz. She needs to find a better man, but there aren’t any, because Edward is so manly and masculine and he just makes me melt like a tub of lard on a hot summer’s day…

      (This message approved by creepy 30-year-old ladies everywhere)

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      You, on the other hand, are the epitome of maturity.

    • soranomukou Says:

      Excuse me while I laugh at you.

      Kay I’m good.

      Rocks, does it? Rocks just like Edward’s cold hard and unpleasant skin?

    • soranomukou Says:


  5. Softspoken Says:

    Honestly, I’m surprised Bella doesn’t lock the door and cut her wrists in one of these bedroom scenes. That would both allow her to emo angst, AND get Edward worked up enough to bite her!
    And hopefully kill her.

    • Now see, I would read the books if that happened. But I’m quite happy to let Rai be my bejebus and take this sin against humanity upon herself. Way to martyr, Rai!

      • I never wanted this to happen lol

      • Moonshade Says:

        Actually… yeah. If she was even slightly intelligent (how the heck did she get into AP classes, I wonder?) and somehow still as obsessed (and not written by a mamby-pamby who wants to uphold every standard she ever learned in Sunday school for EVERY CHARACTER IN HER FREAKIN’ BOOK), the most obvious solution would be to force him to bite her.

        And you know, if he gets all mad at her for manipulating him back, he’s got all of eternity to get over it.

  6. can i just say that i’ve read this whole blog and i LOVE it!!

    i know it’s only bee like 36 hours since your last post but PLZ get the next chapter up really soon!!! lol you’re awesome and you’re absolutely right about the whole thing…

    i read the whole twilight series in like a month last summer because i needed some fluff after months and months of psych textbooks… and i was one of those fangirls at the midnight movie premier… but i completely agree that it’s no literary achievement. can’t wait for your next post!

    • LOL I love meeting people who go “OH YEAH I REALLY LIKED IT but you’re right it’s totally stupid.”

      I have the same thing with really bad action movies, but I’ve never had this with books. I’m trying to apply it, but I just… can’t. I just hate Bella too God damn much, lol.

      • lol don’t blame you. i used to want my own edward to show up in my life, but after i took a good look at the character (and my own real-life version that reappeared around that time, oddly enough) i realized something: i want a happy-not-a-stalker-slash-axe-murderer-want-to-eat-you kinda guy… i really do like my relatively freedom-filled life, without a brooding, controlling, emo, is-he-in-the-closet-? dictator :-D

  7. no, bleach is not good for hardwood, and i’m sure especially not for the undoubtedly extravagant hand-finished oiled hardwood floors the Cullens would have.
    also, why the fuck wouldn’t she use ammonia?

    • Because that’s too big a word for Smeyer to know. She’s just a woman, guys! Teehee!

      (Gods, I despise this series.)

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      I would also like to point out that the CDC recommends using a bleach solution no stronger than 10%. Anything over that is just overkill. But then again, SMeyer isn’t renowned for her subtlety.

  8. Well I read the whole damned Twilight series, after my roommate began screaming that the movie was so good… I didn’t see the movie…I couldn’t dare, just seeing the trailer made me sick.

    So… off to read… you know with my mind set on “most of the times movies are crap compared to the actual book”. Well, BOY WAS I PROVEN WRONG!

    Usually I would just end up ranting, toss said book into a corner and just try to pull my hair out because of the damned plot, which is inexistent…but… I would still go back for the damned book and keep on reading… it was a challenge!

    Your words are exactly what crossed my mind on most chapters… I’m just glad to see someone else thinks basically what I do.

    Bella is an unworthy character, Edward is a lone idiotic menopause freak and everyone else is just…BLEH…

    And everyone who goes and defends them saying: “They are wonderful and it’s the best book about vampires ever written, oh yeah Edward is so dreamy GIGGLE” should just have a check up on what planet they are!

  9. Forsakentale Says:

    I wonder if Smeyer knows how much lesbian inuendo Alice brings to the whole thing… I mean “Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”? If Smeyer is so into incestuous pairings just get Alice and Rosalie together.
    Did I mentioned I love when you make references to White Wolf’s storytelling system? Well yeah, I totes luv U for that.

    • It’s hard not to reference White Wolf here. It’s about freaking vampires and werewolves.

      As much as I hate Vampire in both nWoD and oWoD senses, I am tempted to make a Malkavion Edward-clone.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        White Wolf tried to sue the guys who did Underworld (1, 2 & 3), but they probably would think it was to shameful to even try that with Smeyer.
        “Hey guys, another vamps Vs wolfies thing going on. Maybe we should check on that?”
        “Nah, lets not mix with sparkly vampires”

      • We kept up a running WW commentary when my circle went to see Underworld in theaters.

        I thought Underworld was horrible, personally, and I don’t think anyone could make me watch the other two, lol. Maybe I just really have it out for vampires?

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Underworld was utterly crap for sure. A crossover fic with that and Twilight would be apocalyptic man…
        But you DO play RPG (vampires aside)? You’re too nice to not be into that lol

      • Hell yeah, I am a WW girl.

        I played a lot of oChangeling, a little bit of oWerewolf, and some oVampire. Even larped some of the above. Nerrrrd.

        Right now I mostly obsess over the Exalted line, but we’re trying out Scion.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Ohh! I just like you more now lol
        Changeling all the way! (Altho’ I like reading Promethean & Mage stuffs). I got the first Scion book, great stuff and I’m dying to get the Exalted books.
        Go nerd power gogo!

      • If you like power kung fu and ninjas riding dinosaurs, Exalted is the game for you. And Scion is sort of like… Exalted modern? If an Exalted fan saw me write that they’d have a fit, lol

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Scion DO have an Exalted twist from what I read. But I’ll check it out for myself ;D

  10. BWAHAHA! “IOU a personality…” love it!

    Well, if nothing else, this series gives me hope for my own publishing dreams. I mean, if they’ll publish Twilight and it can get so popular without a plot, real conflict, good characterization, and good word choice…

  11. Theory time!

    Edward and Jasper are gay, and were getting together behind their vamparents’ back. Alice is a lesbian. The vamparents found out above Edward and Jasper, and practically forced Jasper to get together with Alice, to try to ‘cure’ him. Alice and Jasper agreed to serve as each others’ beards. Edward, they weren’t sure what to do with, ’cause they didn’t have any more girlvamps, but it was made clear that, should he ever do it again, he’d be kicked out of the vampfamily. Then, along comes Bella! Edward convinces himself that he’s in love with Bella, so that he doesn’t have to face the fact that he’s gay, and so he doesn’t get kicked out of the vampfamily. Bella is in fact a lesbian, but is also repressing. She’s convinced herself that she’s in love with Edward, the most feminine male around, so she doesn’t have to admit to herself that she’s gay. Also, THAT’S why there are constant descriptions of Edward’s HAWTness – Bella is telling herself, “Look, he’s so pretty, I should be in love with him, I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM EVEN IF I HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS SISTER, I AM I AM!”

    Eventually, they’ll all snap. Edward and Jasper will embrace their love, which is actually forbidden, unlike his and Bella’s. Bella will cry, and run into Alice’s arms. They’ll leave Club Cullen, and make their own vampfamily. Emmett and Rosalie will come with them, because they feel stronger bonds with their vampsiblings than with their vamparents, and are disgusted that the vamparents would kick out their vampsiblings over sexual preference. After this, Esme wants to let them be, but Carlisle refuses to relent, because it doesn’t fit into his mental image of a perfect vampfamily. Esme is upset, but because Carlisle has programmed her so well, she stays. Carlisle ‘saves’ a few more people, and tries to regain his ‘happy family’.

    This took me a minute to think of, five minutes to flesh it out, and ten minutes to write, and already it has a better plot than the entire four novels. And it’s not even that original. COME ON.


      LOL this already sounds about a million times more interesting than the entire four Twilight books.

  12. Katie Cole Says:

    I kind of wish Bella would get some kind of interest in something. I mean in the first book we get to see a sample of what she reads (yuck) but nothing else. Just give her some things to enjoy Meyer come one! Make her more believable! Make her a human being and not some mannequin.

    I kinda thought that maybe if Bella had a pet of some sort she would be just a teeny tiny it more real. But then I realized that she can’t have a pet because-
    1:She would kill it
    2:Edward would eat it
    3:It would be more interesting than her

  13. You know, what I just don’t understand, is how Edward believes both that vampires don’t have souls, AND that they naturally came to be through evolution. Vampires evolved away the soul? That sounds like devolution to me. >_> I love plot holes.

  14. Frida Petrine Says:

    Don’t you need a heart pumping blood, to get an erect penis?….O_o…

  15. Frida Petrine Says:

    That is, a beating heart, pumping blood….No?

  16. FingoForever Says:

    I had that same thought, Frida, when I came to book 4. It was too weird. Unfortunately I had bought the third and fourth books at this point and gave them away after one read a piece; I wish I’d kept them instead of passing them on to an uninformed twelve-year-old girl.
    If I wasn’t so freaking critical of myself and utterly ashamed of the massive amounts of dirty, dirty, money I could make writing something similar to this crap, I probably would. Only now I can’t go into Books-A-Million or Barnes and Nobles without seeing PILES of steaming, teenage vampire books and it makes me die a little inside.
    Why aren’t girls reading the classics anymore? If anyone has seen the movie Idiocracy, I fear we are closer to the brink than many realize.

  17. but aren’t they also rock-hard? so, wouldn’t that be like having an erection all the time?

    • I guess. I wonder if we ever here about how male vampires can maintain an erection (or a … flaccidness.)


      • i had another random thought as i was going to bed. wouldn’t having sex with a male vampire be something like shoving a popcicle up your vaj? maybe i’m weird, but that doesn’t sound pleasant to me.

      • I’m fairly certain Stephenie masturbates with ice cubes.


        • soranomukou Says:


        • “what soranomukou said”

        • “I’m fairly certain Stephenie masturbates with ice cubes.”

          hjnbhj <–literally what my forehead types when it hits the keyboard. I found that comment worthy of probably ruining an already messed-up keyboard. (I figured some realism would be a nice change for anyone who has either read these (excellently written) recaps or, worse, the series itself.

          Just ran to look in the mirror: I actually have little red squares on my forehead from hitting it so hard just now.

          Re: icecubes.
          Yes… yes… YeS… YES… OH GOD YES OH PLEASE YES YES YES YES YES (and so forth and so on)
          Keep up the good work. You (Rachel) and Smeyer make a good team. Smeyer says something inane or stupid (god knows I've read the first three books and am contemplating with misgiving the study of the fourth, which I feel to be something of a duty. Some believe in purgatory; I figure finishing this series should have me covered! @____@)

        • Did you know that you can purchase glittering pale dildos that are specifically made to be chilled? So that you can pretend its Edward? Did you know that? Did you want to know that?

      • soranomukou Says:

        Put it down to rigor mortis. 8D

  18. If you do ever actually explore those shelved ideas wouldn’t you technically need to think up a title other than fan-fiction? you know, cause you’re not a fan and stuff and you actively hate the series and it’s author? just something that popped into my head. anyway, love recaps, hilarious, i started reading two hours ago and can’t stop!


  19. if only this blog and the comments that come with it had a ‘like’ button :)

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