Archive for clearly hasn’t been to washington

Chapter Twenty-Two

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Ugh, God, where  was I.

Oh, twenty-two. This should be easy.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are escorted to the lobby, and instructed not to leave until night. No idea why. We’ve managed to avoid sparkles thus far. Bella starts to sob (BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN), and Edward has to calm her down (BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.) Gianna, the mortal at the desk, asks if they need anything, and then goes back to ignoring them. Bella asks if she actually knows what’s going on here, and Edward says she does, she’s hoping that they decide to not eat her in the end and turn her to vampirism. Bella is shocked, simply shocked, that a woman could ever possibly want a vampire. Ed kind of gives her a look, but apparently Bella is immune to irony.

She cries some more because Edward’s here~~! and they spend some indeterminate amount of time touching each other until the sun sets. Bella convinces herself that Edward doesn’t want her and is just pretending, because she is as sharp as a wet rag. Eventually a vampire comes out and tells them they’re free to leave now–probably to get all the canoodling out of his office. They get outside, Alice steals yet another car (because stealing from people isn’t against the vampire moral code), and they drive to the airport.

Cue thrilling airplane action. Bella gets a coke to try to stay awake, and Edward disapproves out-loud, because he knows she has a weakness for caffeine. Uh, since when is it not okay for 18-year-olds to drink coke? Oh right. Morrrrrmonnnnnn.

So Bella chugs caffeine to stay awake so she can continue to gaze lovingly at Edward. No, she never asks him what the hell that was all about. Never tries to talk about how he just tried to kill himself. They just pet each other’s faces and gaze.

All of the vampires are waiting for them in Sea-Tac. If I weren’t already bored out of my mind I would do the 20 minutes on Google thing to find out if they arrived during the day. I know Stephenie hasn’t been to Sea-Tac, so she probably doesn’t know that there are huge windows all over the place in this airport. But whatev. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them. Rosalie is all repentant and crap, and Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying. This is actually why I like Rosalie to begin with (FINALLY a character that is not Super Powerful on the Side of Good), but she dismantles all of that by apologizing to Bella. I’m not sure why. What exactly did she do to Bella? Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake?

They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.

WOOOEEEEE that was exciting stuff.

Chapter Twelve

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

There’s SOMETHING AT THE WINDOW!!!1

I know, let’s go right up to it and see who it is!

OH MY GOD IT’S VICTORIA SHE’S COME TO EAT BELLA AND MAYBE CHARLIE THEY’RE SO DEAD THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES AS WE KNOW I–

Wait, it’s just Jacob. Bah.

Bella opens the window for Jacob to jump in.

“What are you doing?” I gasped. […]

“I’m trying to keep”–he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him–“my promise!”

Aw, okay, I guess I still like Jacob.

He jumps in through the window, which is like totally cool and stuff. Bella was totally ready for him to fall to his death. I don’t think falling from a second story window would kill you. It certainly wouldn’t kill Bella–her skull seems to be comprised entirely of a hard, diamond-like substance, impervious to 45 mph collisions and, I don’t know, original thought.

So Jacob jumps in, lands neatly, and gives her a grin. Apparently, the last few weeks of completely avoiding her, ignoring her, and then telling her that he doesn’t want to see her anymore despite his promise of helping her get back on her feet–apparently, that was just fun and games.

“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.

He blinked, his face going blank with surprise.

“No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.”

“I don’t accept!

Then she tries to shove him out the window, which works about as well as you would imagine. Uh, why the hell didn’t she have this reaction when she found out that Edward had been breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night? How did Bella magically grow a spine?

It’s okay, she swoons out of nowhere at this point, because she’s just so tired, so Jacob has to stay and make sure she’s all right.

Jacob tries to tell Bella that he wants to explain what happened, but he just can’t. He’s clearly acting as though he has a supernatural compulsion to not tell her something. Now, see, that’s cult-like behavior. He finally concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can at least try to help her guess the answer to his little furry problem.

He asks her if she remembers when they first met in La Push and he told her his silly ghost stories. Oh, right! Of course Bella remembers, that’s when she first started her habit of manipulating him. She, of course, only remembers the story he told about the Cullens, a fact Jacob bitterly recognizes. Bella gives up, because she’s just a girl. She’ll probably google for it later.

Jacob leaves, after a few more awkward lines of “no I’m dangerous and you should stay away from me.” Now why is that so familiar?

Bella goes back to sleep and has those wonderful prophetic dreams of hers that have absolutely no basis on the story other than to serve as Smeyer’s only vehicle for foreshadowing. You could just, you know, foreshadow, like a regular God damn author, instead of giving your Mary Sue magical stupid powers. She dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf, like in the previous book, and then she dreams about seeing the wolves in the meadows, and…

…Wakes herself up screaming.

My goodness, she has a glass constitution. Is there anything strong about her? “I DREAMT ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!!”

So she finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. Oh my God, how terrifying! She wonders what the hell is up with Forks that she can run into both vampires and werewolves here, if maybe they are everywhere and she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?

Bella continues to freak out that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to realizing that Edward is a vampire. This, she justifies, is because she never doubted that there was something odd about the Cullens, it was just a matter of finding out what. But Jacob! Jacob was a totally normal 6.5ft sixteen-year-old with a crazy cult following him! It’s just so shocking!

Of course, she immediately makes this about her, because her best friend is totes a werewolf so she must be a freak. It must be hard knowing you’re the main character and the plot-hole-filled world revolves around you and your poorly thought-out personality.

Bella throws on clothes and hurries downstairs, desperate to see Jacob now that she knows his Dark Secret. Charlie’s all “omg where are you going” as though he cares. He urges her to go straight to Jacob’s with no stops, because the wolves have been dragging off more people now. So naturally, hunters and cops and rangers and etc. are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals.

Charlie leaves, and Bella has moral conundrums. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should be his friend, and warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too) I mean, if they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (Completely ignoring that EDWARD IS, TOO.)

The werewolves had chosen a different path.

Now, what should I choose?

Gee, I don’t know, why don’t you continue to pretend dating that one guy and then maybe manipulate him into eating only grizzly bears like your sweet beautiful ex-boyfriend did, before he left you alone in the woods and stole your things?

Goodness me, is she racist or a hypocrite or what?

Chapter Twenty, I think the plot was a lie

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 36. Come to think of it, Edward wasn’t in this chapter…

This chapter is called “Impatience,” which I’d say is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid the main character is. I’m impatient that the entirety of this chapter is set in a hotel room where basically nothing happens. I’m impatient that this book isn’t already over.

Bella comes to in a hotel room. Did Edward finally slip her a roofie and–oh wait, no, that’s right, she came up with a stupid plan. Let’s flashback!

Team Get-the-Crazy-Bitch-the-Hell-Out-Of-Town drives like maniacs. I’m not sure how they can pull off going twice the speed limit when neither of the drivers are psychic. Scratch that, I’m fairly certain Jasper is driving since Bella is sitting next to Alice. Women don’t drive in House Cullen.

In the midst of Bella’s angsting, she observes that with how freaking fast they were going, she shouldn’t be surprised that they made a three-day trip in just one. Stephenie, Google maps. Google maps, Stephenie. A vampire driving twice the speed limit, never stopping to eat, sleep, or fill up the car, would make it there in 12 hours. Otherwise, making this trip in three days would require driving for only eight hours a day, like some kind of sissy. And you’re not a sissy, are you?

So they’re in a hotel room. Alice and Jasper stare at the TV without watching it. Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping. We’re all waiting with bated breath for Carlisle’s “ok we killed him lol” call.

During all of this incredibly interesting hotel room action, Bella asks Alice what it takes to become a vampire. Alice hrms about that, saying that Edward wanted her not to say. Edward probably knew that Bella would jump on the first bus to Vampiretown as soon as she could guess how to buy a ticket. Alice relents, because Bella asserts that she has a right to know (I’m not really sure how she figured that), and we are treated to a short dissertation on how vampires are venomous.

“The venom doesn’t kill–it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”

1. The venom doesn’t kill… except to make you a FRIGGING VAMPIRE of course.

2. Right, because the only response anything ever has to pain is to lie there and let something eat them. Pain isn’t a motivator or anything.

“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the  bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”

But Carlisle SAAVVEED THEEMMMM!!!1

So Edward, and then Esme, were in the hospital, not dying of an intensely painful poison… for three days. And nobody noticed? Nobody caught on? Or are you going to tell me Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and nobody noticed him dragging that pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue?

Alice suddenly has a vision of Bella’s childhood ballet studio. Oh wow! Something less boring happened to break the already intensely boring narrative! Who had the bright idea of enrolling Bella in a dance class as a child? Is this where she suffered the head injury that led to her crippling inner-ear disorder?

Alice says this means the tracker’s plans have changed, and he’s going to end up eluding Team Kill-Jerkoff. JUST THEN, the phone rings. Carlisle confirms everything Alice just said. So she’s not really handy so much as repetitive.

Anyway, Carlisle gives the phone to Edward and Alice gives the phone to Bella. They manage to keep from gushing all over each other long enough for Edward to mention that the red-haired woman (Victoria) was trolling around Forks, at Bella’s house, the airport, and her school, trying to dig up dirt. Nobody’s hurt though, because that would cause tension. Edward finally hangs up and Bella gets all stupid depressed again.

The ballet studio Bella went to is just down the street from her mom’s house, and suddenly she’s all concerned that the vampire-woman was able to get a hold of her school records. Because Forks is a singularly stupid small town and would certainly give Bella’s records to a crazy red-headed hippy with leaves in her hair. So Bella calls Mom from Alice’s cell, leaving a message to call her back. And uh.. then the vampires stare at the TV some more, and Bella falls asleep, because apparently not even she can take much more of this.

Something had better start actually happening here soon. James, I’m counting on you to kill this little twit.

Chapter Seventeen is the American pasttime

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My mother is now harassing me for timely, vampirely updates.

Sorry, Mom! Here’s a chapter! Don’t ground me from reading Twilight :(

ADVERB COUNT: 75. At the end of this stinkfest, I’m going to add up all the adverbs, and then try to assemble some statistics. I wonder how many pages there are of only adverbs in this thing.

Edward drives Bella home so she can change. But wait! The injuns Quileute family is waiting at her house! What, did they come just to guilt her for associating with vampires? Edward says he’ll be back so Bella can introduce him to her father Charlie, which irritates her to no end–but of course, she doesn’t try to stop him. I guess she couldn’t, could she? There’s so much potential for abuse here, I could–

Oh, wait! I’m reading “Twilight.”

Bella kisses Edward goodbye and meets Jacob and Billy on her front porch. Billy looks furious and Jacob is.. wet. It’s raining cats and dogs, like it never does in Washington. Look, folks, Washington gets a lot of rain, right, but not all at once. Our “rainstorms” cause maybe 0.8 of an inch–just ask The Weather Channel. If you want a real rainstorm, visit the East coast some time. I digress.

Billy is all suspicious and angry and came by just to drop off some fish fry. Right. Bella quickly makes something up about how her father is fishing, but not in his usual place, so don’t try to go find him there and tell him that his daughter is dating a blood-sucking monster. Billy finds a way to get Jake out of the house so he can harangue Bella properly. Bella not-so-politely hints that maybe everyone should get the hell out of her home.

Old Indian isn’t taking any of that. He mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with the Cullens, and says “Maybe it’s none of my business, but I don’t think that is such a good idea.” Bella does the second smart thing she has done in almost 400 pages and tells him he’s right, it is none of his business. They argue back and forth, wherein Old Indian tries to scare her, and suggests he’s going to tell Charlie, and Bella stands her ground, insisting that it’s none of Billy’s business who she’s seeing, and it’s certainly not any of his business whether she tells Charlie or not. He finally gets the freaking hint, and leaves when Jacob comes back from his Convenient Excuse to Get Him Out of the Conversation.

Bella’s all “UGH people caring about me I HATE THAT,” and heads upstairs to change. Stephenie is sure we want to know the intimate details of what she’s going to wear, but I will spare you, in my infinite compassion.

Jessica calls her. Who? Oh, right, her mortal friend. The one we haven’t heard about in over 130 pages. Jessica has stupid boring mortal things to talk about. Not even Bella pretends to care. She gets her off the phone when she hears her father Charlie coming home, and prepares for the most awkward dating ritual of any teen’s life–introducing the parents.

She broaches the subject gently, informing him that she was at the Cullens’ house, and she has a sort-of date with Edward tonight. Charlie nearly has a stroke, roaring about how Edwin is far too old for her. Oh, dad, it’s EDWARD, and they’re both juniors! Silly fathers who don’t pay any attention to their daughters’ lives. Charlie asks her all the usual questions (“Is he your boyfriend? Where is taking you? How long will you be out?”) which brings a lot of sighing, groaning, and eye-rolling from Bella. Good Lord, I hate teenagers.

Edward knocks at the door, standing in a “halo” of porch light, “looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” Barf barf barf. Charlie manages to resist falling deeply in love with this exquisite creature and invites him in.

“So I hear you’re getting my girl to watch baseball.” Only in Washington would the fact that is was raining buckets have no bearing at all on the playing of outdoor sports.

Uh, actually, that does stop us, from doing a lot of things. It doesn’t “rain buckets” here. It drizzles, it sprinkles, it flat-out rains, and sometimes, sometimes, it pours, and you know what happens then? Everyone stays the hell inside.

So this stunningly beautiful man his daughter has been attempting to hide from him is taking his daughter out to watch a game she has no interest in, out in the middle of nowhere, in the rain.

Of course the cop is completely okay with this. He actually makes some comment about “more power to you” for getting Bella interested in baseball. I’m going to go hit my head against the wall for a little bit. Bella stalks out, totally angry that they’re making jokes about her, UGH I HATE MEN.

Edward brought the jeep. Bella attempts to put on the off-roading harness herself, but since she is a weak, stupid woman, Edward has to help her. He uses this excuse to “linger at her neck” and “brush along her collarbones,” which, of course, makes Bella hyperventilate. Saints preserve us. If they ever had sex, all he’d have to do is stand there naked and she’d climax more times than there are adverbs in this chapter.

Edward hints that they’re going to have to “run” part of the way there, which immediately makes Bella nauseous. Last time he did the Superman Run she nearly passed out. He brushes off her concern, and off they go.

For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down on the seat like a jackhammer. He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way.

…I know why he’s smiling and it has nothing to do with the ride. Bella, hypothetical question, how much support would you say your bra gives you…?

The jeep stops, and it’s time for Superman Run. Edward thoughtfully unbuckles her harness for her, like she’s an infant being released from a child seat. Bella flat out refuses to Superman Run it, she remembers what happened last time he did that. Edward replies that he’ll just have to “tamper” with her memory.

What follows is one of the sickest scenes in the book yet. Bella told Edward “no,” so he seduces her into changing her mind. I wish I were exaggerating. He braces her against the Jeep so she can’t escape (even Stephenie describes it this way,) kisses her all over and breathes on her a lot (go go gadget aphrodisiac breath!) all the while asking her if she still doesn’t want to do it. Bella buckles and relents to letting him carry her the rest of the way.

This is incredibly disgusting. I can’t believe a woman would write this scene and continue to bill her novel as a sweet, timeless romance. I can’t believe other women are reading this and sighing in pleasure. Ladies, this is abuse. What else is he going to convince her to do later?

No, don’t tell me. I’ll read it.

Edward kisses her, and Bella, being a teenage girl in love, wraps her arms around him and kisses him back. This is a major no-no in their relationship, because if she moves while he kisses her he might be pushed over the edge. She is supposed to stand completely motionless while lip-locked. He jumps back from her, complete with a “Damn it, Bella!” and is now angry with her.

Oh. My. God.

He’s angry with her for the rest of the run. He’s even too angry to laugh at first when she falls on her ass trying to dismount him (…lol). She gets angry at him when he finally does laugh.

“Don’t be mad, I couldn’t help myself. You should have seen your face.” He chuckled before he could stop himself.

“Oh, you’re the only one who’s allowed to get mad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.”

GOOD GIRL

“I wasn’t mad at you.”

“‘Bella, you’ll be the death of me’?” I quoted sourly.

That was simply a statement of fact.”

… “You were mad,” I insisted.”

“Yes.”

“But you just said–”

“That I wasn’t mad at you.”

Oh Lord. Edward makes up some bull about how he’s just mad at himself because he can’t seem to stop from putting her in danger. He diffuses her anger by turning the situation towards pitying him, continuing with “Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger…” Poooooor murderer.

“I love you,” he said. “It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true. … Now, please try to behave yourself,” he continued, and he bent to softly brush his lips against mine.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.

God, I just can’t believe poison like this is being paid for. He loves her, ladies, don’t you see that? He can do anything he wants to her because he loves her, and that makes it all okay.

We finally get to the STUPID BASEBALL GAME. It’s in a huge field. The bases are incredibly far apart. The kids run off to play, leaving Bella with mama Esme, who I actually sort of like in spite of myself.

Bella says Esme reminds her of her own mother, to which Esme replies that she really does think of the vamps as her own children. She mentions that she had her own baby once, but he died a few days after birth, so she threw herself from a cliff.

A-ha! I knew it. So Carlisle found a woman lost to grief who just simply wanted to die, and… made her immortal so she would live with her grief forever and ever, constantly looking for the baby she lost in the twisted children Carlisle brings home to her.

I love this family.

Bella asks if Esme minds that Edward is dating a cheeseburger, and Esme says “No, you’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow,” and manages to look worried. Uh, guys, why don’t you just get Carl to bite her? One, there’s no downside to being a vampire whatsoever, and two, Carl is just messed up enough to do it.

The game starts like a fight in Dragon Ball Z — everything is simply too fast to see, so we’re treated to frames of swooshes, slashes, and vague striking lines in lieu of actual characters interacting. Alice throws so fast you can’t see a ball. Emmett hits it so fast you can’t see it fly. And the impact is so loud that it sounds exactly like the thunder pealing overhead.

Yes, that’s why they can only play during a thunderstorm. I’d like to note that neither the ball nor the bat are harmed during this, at all. They are playing with spent uranium equipment, I guess. Also, apparently when two vampires collide, it also sounds like thunder. I’m… not really sure of the reason for this. I guess vampires are also made of spent uranium.

Edward comes up to ask Bella what she thinks of the game.

“I am a little disappointed,” I teased.

“Why?” he asked, puzzled.

“Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Edward is so. incredibly. boring.

The game continues. It’s starting to sink into my mind that I am reading about super-powered sparkling vampires who play baseball in the rain and how incredibly stupid this book has become, when suddenly… plot happens.

Alice gasps, she sees the other vampires coming towards them. Edward cusses, because he can read their minds and know that they want to play too. Everyone panics, wondering what to do to protect the little girl soufflé they brought with them. Carlisle finally decides that they will continue with the game, since it seems like the other vampires are just curious and want to know what’s going on.

Bella is ordered around for a while, as everyone attempts to disguise her and her smell. Edward gets all mad at himself for putting her in danger, oh man won’t somebody pity the poor brooding people-eater. Esme asks Edward something, which he later clarifies was “Are they thirsty?”

Don’t worry, because they’re not.

That would be way too tense for this book.

Chapter Ten, When Cullens Attack

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , on April 8, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 49

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is basically broken now.

Chapter ten is supposed to be more character development between Bella and Edward, “supposed to” being the operative phrase here.

Edward is waiting in Bella’s driveway to drive her to school, because she is Not Allowed to Drive Anymore. He isn’t driving his family today–they went to school in Rosalie’s fancy red convertable. (Rosalie is another vampire, who isn’t male, so Bella doesn’t care much about her.)

Edward attempts to explain how them vampires like to stay under the radar, despite the fact that they are unnaturally beautiful, keep to themselves, disappear from school for days at a time, and drive fancy, flashy cars.

Riiight.

Bella’s friend Jessica is all “OMG TELL ME ABOUT YOUR NIGHT” as she meets with them. Edward informs Bella that Jessica will be waiting to ambush her in class, and that he will be listening to her thoughts so he knows what Bella is saying. How is this not like a guy who reads your text messages, listens in on your phone conversations, and checks your email, only way more private and creepy?

Bella and Jessica have an incredibly boring teenage girl conversation (“OMG DID YOU KISS HIM OMG ARE YOU DATING OMG”), the only interesting part of which is when Jessica admits that Edward creeps her out. Why aren’t her friends attempting to save her from him? Oh, right, gorgeous dazzling angelic etc.

Bella meets up with Edward at lunch. He grabs a tray, leads her through the line, and piles the tray with food for her. Because she is now incapable of getting her own lunch. They have some sappy conversation or another about how much they care about each other, Edward keeps trying in vain to tell Bella how dangerous he is and how she needs to stay away, but I get the feeling he’s not giving it his all anymore. Edward informs her that actually she is drop dead gorgeous herself and has never realized it.

TIME OUT TIME OUT.

New girl comes to school, is a total knock out, and doesn’t talk to anybody. In fact, is downright rude to people. What are high schoolers going to assume?

That’s right. She’s a haughty, high-and-mighty little bitch.

Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue

I digress. Edward drops more hints that he’s going to follow her around more than ever now that it’s clear she’s an idiot and will end upget herself killed somehow. Bella considers putting herself into danger intentionally in order to keep Edward from making good on his empty threats of leaving her 4ever because he is so very dangerous. Eventually she gets around to asking why they were camping in Goat Rocks last weekend, and the answer is obvious.

They were hunting grizzly bears and cougars!

That’s right. They went to a popular camping and hiking spot specifically to hunt a protected  animal, and… and freaking mountain lions. Oh, but they hunt judiciously. They only eat predators or prey when there is an overpopulation of them. Where the hell they managed to find an overpopulation of grizzly God damn bears is a freaking mystery.

I will leave you on the note that Edward hunts cougar… like a cougar. The mental image of him prowling night clubs for older, sexually-active women is more than priceless.

Chapter Eight proves that Bella is a colossal moron

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 79. 79!! I really think I’m on to something with this whole “Edward makes adverbs” theory.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a haughty 2 and a half.

Good lord, this is getting ridiculous.

Bella and her grrl-friends go shopping in Port Angeles. I have to admit, I have not actually been to Port Angeles, so I am currently googling it. It looks like Smeyer got close to right on the name of the restaurant they go to–it’s Bella Italia, not La Bella Italia. A minor point.

An aside, I would also like to tell you that, much to my horror, there is a Twilight-related gift shop in P.Angeles called “Dazzled By Twilight.” Barf barf barf barf.

I guess I should actually recap this chapter. Where was I? Bella and her grrl-friends are shopping for dresses. It’s thrilling stuff. When they finish, Bella decides that what she’s always wanted to do is wander aimlessly through a town she’s unfamiliar with, alone, with no protection, and so she does so. Her friends barely argue. Something about a book store. I’m alarmed that a girl from Phoenix Freaking Arizona is totally okay with going anywhere on her own, until I remember that this is Bella we’re talking about. And they say Darwin got it wrong.

She attempts to find a bookstore, and is disappointed to find only a New Age store, with crystals, beaded curtains, and a white-haired hippy woman at the counter. Sweetheart, welcome to Western Washington. Gird your loins and clear your chakras.

After more aimless meandering, thinking desperately of Edward, Bella realizes that she’s alone, in a dark part of town, at night, with a group of rough-looking men leering at her. And is somehow shocked.

Sigh.

Bella attempts to outpace her would-be attackers, and is caught in a clever trap, only to have Edward come out of nowhere in the Volvopire and save her. She does not even question why he is here, she simply follows his barked commands and gets in his car. I would say this is out of the frying pan and into the oven, but we are getting beat over the head with how “safe” Bella feels around him, so I’m not surprised to see that all she does is moon at him for being a hero.

Edward is livid–probably because his future snack almost got herself offed–and explains that he has a problem with his temper, and that he is considering running the hoodlums down and murdering them. We are supposed to be awed by his dedication to protecting Bella. I am wondering when he’s going to snap and Bella has to start telling stories about how she “fell down the stairs.”

Bella is driven back to the Italian restaruant her friends were going to meet her at, rather than the police station. I mean, duh, what could they possibly do? She is shocked that Edward knew which restaurant to go to. Her friends are understandably scared and are glad to see she’s okay, although both of them are wary of Edward suddenly appearing out of freaking nowhere to save her. They’ve already eaten–Edward insists that he is buying Bella dinner and then driving her home personally, despite her protests. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling.

Edward charms the pants off the greeter, and this lovely exchange occurs:

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

“Do what?”

“Dazzle them like that–she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

He seemed confused. […] He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. “I dazzle people?”

“You haven’t noticed? Do you think everyone gets their way so easily?”

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?

If only I didn’t already have my tagline.

Dinner is… awkward? Awkward is a good word. The manpire attempts once again to explain just how dangerous he is by telling Bella if she hadn’t had dinner with him he probably would have committed a few murders tonight. He admits that he can read minds and that’s how he knew they were going to Port Angeles–he followed her here. Bella at this point thinks to herself “Should I be upset that he’s following me?” and immediately dismisses this.

I clutch at my skull in despair.

He also makes a point of mentioning this is actually the third time he’s saved her life–the first being that time in Biology when he totally almost ate her. You guys remember that? What a riot! Oh man, she dodged a bullet there.

They start their drive home, wherein Edward indicates that it’s Bella’s turn to start talking. Oh, this should be rich.

Chapter Six has indians!

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 62

BELLA LIKE-O-METER: one one one one one one one one >_<

Bella asks her dad Charlie if the place near Goat Rocks, south of Rainier, is good for camping (since Edward said that’s where he’d be today and she’s going to be spending all day thinking about him.) Charlie says it’s a terrible place to camp, on account of the bears.

I hope he doesn’t mean grizzlies. Oh god.

She also doesn’t intend to tell Charlie that Edward will be going with her on her trip to Seattle. It’ll be great when she disappears and nobody knows why.

It’s the beach trip!

Yawn. Mikes fawns over her, Jessica gets mad at her, etc., etc., I so could not care less about Bella and her unintentional love triangles at this point.

I am also fed up with how clumsy Bella is. She cannot sit by a tide pool without worrying she’s going to fall in. She cannot sit without worrying about falling. This is not a simple flaw anymore so much as a physical condition. Has it always been this bad? Why hasn’t anyone gotten her inner ear checked? CAT scans? MRIs? Anyone?

Some native kids show up from the nearby reservation. The youngest is Jacob, described as looking 14 or 15. I know this is going to be important and incredibly creepy later.

One of the girls asks, scorn in her voice, why no one thought to invite the Cullens, which is the perfect time for the oldest res. kid to say “The Cullens don’t come here.” Oh, so ominous. Bella is desperate to know more, so she does what any woman would do–pretends to flirt with the 15 year old to pump him for information.

I AM NOT KIDDING. She takes the 15 year old on a long walk, flutters her eyes at him, asks him if he comes up to Forks much, and at one point even narrates that this is what Edward has done to her so it’s probably going to work. So full of hate. Of course Jacob falls for it and of course he tells her all about why the Cullens can’t come to the beach.

The Quileutes of Stephenie’s world believe they descended from wolves. A brief jaunt to wiki tells me this is true–a traveling shapeshifter found a wolf and transformed him into a man, thus creating the first Quileute. Jacob also tells a story about the flood, saying that the Quileute tied their canoes to the tops of trees to survive which.. is also true! Did this woman actually research something?

For some reason she felt the need to make a vampire story for them. Oh, I’m sorry, “cold ones.” Jacob says his great-grandfather encountered a tribe of cold ones that didn’t eat people, and told them if they stay off their land, they’ll leave them alone. Bella’s all “oh so the cold ones are like the Cullens rite,” and Jacob says no, they’re the same cold ones.

Ooooooh. I’m so shocked.