Chapter Three

Oh, God did I have a day at work. They’ve dropped me right in the middle of a Charlie Foxtrot and it’s driving me to drink Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade, for crap’s sake.

But oh, look, a new chapter of Eclipse. Surely this will bolster my mood.

Edward creep-o-meter: 6

Edward and Bella are flying back from Florida.

Wait, huh? Hang on. Did I skip a chapter?

…No, yeah, there’s my end-of-chapter notes from the last chapter, screeching in all-caps about The Truck Incident. So I didn’t miss anything. Well, other than the obvious. Someone taught Stephenie to skip things.

Edward and Bella are flying back from Florida. It’s  convenient that Smeyer skipped all that unnecessary vampire-in-sunlight fodder, because then she’d have to explain how Edward was able to stay out of natural light all day while on vacation visiting his girlfriend’s mother.

My mom would have dragged that boy out with us. Well, and then, sparkling would happen, and my mom would probably say “Is this related to one of those Japanese cartoon things you keep watching?”

Anyway.

Bella’s mother catches on to the fact that Edward and Bella are “serious.” More serious than she thought. Serious is a good word for it. I also like “calamitous.” Or maybe “unpalatable.” Renée makes comments to how protective Edward is and how intense they are and how Bella moves around him like a satellite. No, really.

“The way you move–you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets… or gravity. You’re like a… satellite, or something. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Bella and Edward are special, okay? And apparently we only came to Florida so that Renée could remind us. Again. Just how special they are.

Again, if my mother saw that behavior in me? She’d start looking for other signs of control and abuse, too. But then, my mother and I don’t know what truest of true loves is like, on account of us thinking Twilight is a crock of cowplop. Frowny face.

Charlie is waiting up for Bella (and Edward, I guess) to return. Edward is stiff and standoffish before they even get in the door. Charlie soon reveals why–Jacob has been calling all night, looking for Bella. Oh, right, her other boyfriend. Before she can reminisce too long on her fond memories of using him as an emotional crutch, the phone rings.

Jacob demands to know if Bella is… going to school tomorrow.

K, bye. Click.

Okay then.

Bella obsesses and worries over why Jacob cares about her attendance for two and a half pages. She eventually comes to the conclusion that she was gone for three days, and becoming a vampire takes three days, so clearly Jacob thought she’d been bitten. Bella’s never ever been wrong so I’m sure that’s what it is.

Actually, I’m having a problem thinking of the last time Bella came to a conclusion that wasn’t wrong. The misogyny runs so deep in these novels it kills me.

So, anyway, the next day they go to school. Whoa, they jump right to the action here. Kudo’s to Smeyer’s editors, whoever they are. Jacob is waiting at school. Edward is pleased to point out to Bella how very wrong she was yet again. Jake and Ed glower at each other for a while. By the way, Jacob, at sixteen, is six foot seven inches tall, and tightly muscled–like, body-builder muscled. Right.

Edward confronts Jacob, after a short bit of pleading with Bella to stay in the car, which she for some reason doesn’t do. I was prepared to have her just follow his orders like always, but I guess it’s just really important to the plot that she hear this.

Edward is like “I can read your mind, and I know what you came here to say, so thanks for showing up to warn us, see you later.” Not suspicious in the least. Bella’s all “Teehee what?” which makes Jacob realize that Edward hasn’t told her anything at all about what’s going on.

It turns out that Emmett crossed the treaty line on Saturday. Paul and him came to words. Yeah, not blows, just words. Despite the fact that werewolves are here specifically to kill vampires, nobody fought, and nobody got hurt.

Bella tries to ask about what’s going on, only to have Edward shush her constantly. Jacob finds it in him to get righteously indignant on Bella’s behalf, which only makes Edward suddenly look all scary and stuff (he’s totes terrifying).

All at once, Bella puts together what we’ve all realized since Alice had that stupid vision.

  1. Edward didn’t want her to know something.
  2. Jacob wouldn’t have kept it from her.
  3. Edward wanted her out of the city to keep her from knowing this something.
  4. Alice had a vision about it and then
  5. EDWARD FREAKING LIED TO HER
  6. Also, vampires are dreamy.

This all adds up to, OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS, VICTORIA IS BACK! Are you scared? Man, me too. There is nothing more terrifying than the vague threat of a redheaded hobopire who is not even important enough to have a single line in the novel she is the supposed villain of. A villain who does not actually accomplish anything except make a lot of grown men run around in the woods like silly pagans, and cause the female character to vomit and cry in turns.

And so, predictably, Bella starts crying.

Edward is all “Now look what you’ve done! She’ll never calm down in time for nappy-bye!” I mean, actually, he defends himself for lying to her and trying to keep something important to her from her.

He was… wait for it…

Protecting her.

Jacob, for his part, plays a total badass, and he’s not taking any of Edward’s crap.

“Do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her?” he murmured.

“She’s tougher than you think,” Jacob said. “And she’s been through worse.”

With that, Jacob begins to remember, as clearly as he can, how depressed and downright pitiful Bella was when Edward left. Specifically so Edward will pick through his mind and find it.

Poor poor Eddie is all pained and stuff as he is forced to invade Jacob’s privacy, read his mind, and find clear memories of Bella suffering. We all feel really bad for him. Jacob just laughs and grins.

Guys, I seriously love this new “asshole” Jacob. It’s about time somebody slapped Edward around.

“Overprotective, isn’t he?” Jacob said, talking just to me. “A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you’re not allowed to have fun, are you?”

Edward glowered, and his lips pulled back from his teeth ever so slightly.

“Shut up, Jake,” I said.

Jacob laughed. “That sounds like a no. […]”

SERIOUSLY guys I like Jacob more now.

A grown-up finally shows up to shoo everyone off to class. Edward and Bella pass notes in English, where Edward describes the whole “yeah your flavorless archenemy is back to kill you and also we argued with some werewolves” debacle. I wonder if it’s more that he’s too embarrassed to have Bella around to see that stuff. “We almost had her! Then we got in a fight with some dogs over who was better at Counter-Strike.”

Bella says that Florida was a bad idea–they wouldn’t have been near Victoria to hear if she was going to come after Charlie. Edward counters, not at all creepily, that he’s not sending her anywhere alone, because who knows what could happen.

You know, the way he keeps harping on her bad luck, it’s almost like he’s purposefully laying the foundation for later, when he actually does hurt her, and can just say “Oh, you know Bella’s luck. She made friends with another werewolf, and he beat the tar out of her.”

For some reason, they pass notes back and forth about the many ways in which Edward would save her from a crashing plane. Yeah, he’s just that perfect and strong. God, this is boring.

In Calculus, which is the only class Bella doesn’t share with Edward–

Wait, hold up. Edward can manipulate the faculty however he wants, and there manages to be one class he doesn’t share with Bella? I call BS.

Well, anyway, in Calculus, the guys are taking bets on either Jacob or Edward in a fight. Mike bets on Jacob.

Uh, the end.

Well, at least her truck still ended intact in this one.

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188 Responses to “Chapter Three”

  1. Rat Queen Says:

    Jacob 2.0 is only a jerk if you like Bella and Edward! DELIGHT

    Also, why do we even have Victoria? A strange person living in the woods would cause equal drama, if only he disliked female teenagers obsessed with sparklepires

    • Well, I think later, when he emotionally blackmails her into making out, is pretty douche-like regardless of whom you like most.

  2. editors that were human would not have published this mess. i think they were… vampires! or zombies. who needed the softened mush of brains to eat.

    • Allycat Says:

      :) that made me laugh, and then it made me sad because it is probably true. I love Jacob 2.0 also!

    • Moonshade Says:

      At least this portion of mess had a character who actually acts… like a decent human being, rather than a cardboard cutout and a glittery serial killer.

  3. When my friend lent me this book she told me this: “This one isn’t as bad as the second because Edward is back and it’s not all Jake. But you’re going to hate Jake in this one, he’s so mean!

    Once finished I handed the book back to her and told her that Jake rocked. Then she whined.

    Yay Jacob 2.0 for having a personality. I’m sure it was stretch for Smeyer ;)

    • Well, it probably wasn’t too hard, as the character is based on her BROTHER. She probably realized how creepy this was in Breaking Dawn and decided to have Jacob go for the kid instead. I. . I hope Smeyer doesn’t have any daughters > >

      • Clementine Says:

        OH I just realized…what would have happened if Jacob and Bella had gotten together and had a kid…would Jacob have imprinted on his own daughter? Eeeeewwww…

        • LauWren Says:

          Of course not. THe only possible way for them to get together is if vampires didn’t exist, and since they wouldn’t have, werewolves wouldn’t have existed either, meaning that imprinting wouldn’t happen. It makes perfect sense!

          Seriously though, I’ve read the books and that seems to be the closest thing we get to an explanation.

          • I doubt there would even be a Jacob/Bella.

            Jacob only got interested in Bella because she flirted with him for information. The grew into an attraction in New Moon, but then in Eclipse it became the whole “Forbidden Fruit” thing.

            No Edward mans no flirting.

      • Can you even imagine? Smeyer finishes the books and says “Hey Jake, I’m done! So, ok, know how I made you into a gorgeous and ridiculously tall and strong werewolf? Well now in ADDITION to that, you’re Bella’s family pet/babysitter/pedophile! Isn’t it GREAT?????!!!!11eleven”

  4. Smeyer skipping over the trip absolutely floored me. I also went back and checked to make sure I hadn’t missed something.

    As for Jacob: I loved him in this chapter, and maybe the next few. Don’t really remember since I tried to purge the books from my memory.

  5. Clementine Says:

    Jacob starts out cool, but he does become pushy and obnoxious later on. Kissing Bella without her permission? And then Charlie is supportive of him forcing himself on his daughter. That part I don’t like.

    I heard they were thinking of making BD into 2 movies (to milk the fans for all they’re worth). But it’s not possible. These books are a whole lot of nothing. BD would be 2 20 minute movies. This chapter is another example of how much nothing is in these books. Every time something cool happens (potential fight between vampires and werewolves), Bella is gone/passed out/closing her eyes in terror, and then we get to hear the recap later. Lame.

    • Or they resolve the problem with words. I think it was the end of BD where the vampires just stood around and had an intense discussion.

      • Moonshade Says:

        The biggest disappointment of my life. Of my freakin’ life. And here I was waiting for Aro to rip Carlisle’s throat out. And burn Renesme’s dismembered corpse.

        It was epic in my head.

        • Alas, that would be far too exciting and, you know, realistic for Smeyer’s taste. We mustn’t have them actually FIGHT! Someone might get HURT! Better to just angst and worry over the potential for violence for half a book, then let everyone say, “Oh, whatevs,” and skip off into their happy sparklelands for Happily Ever After time.

          • Clementine Says:

            The last chapter is actually called “the happily ever after”.

          • Vampire Revenant Says:

            Yea, that was a rip-off. Seriously, why the hell would you build it up so much in a book of NOTHING and then go “Oh wait, i don’t want any of my special pretty sparklies to die!”? At least have the decency to kill some people off to make the happily ever after something they worked for. :/

            …then again, that’s way too much to ask from SMeyer.

            • Maybe she figured, at this point, no one really even liked or cared about the characters enough to give a shit if they died, so she just didn’t bother.

            • I personally think that the only reason BD is ANY GOOD WHATSOEVER is because Alice leaves them at the first sign of danger. Of course, we get some piece of crap about protecting Bella (which, by the way, was never fully explained, so I’m sticking with ‘Alice and Jasper got the hell outta their to cover their own asses).

      • Like I said several posts, it was the literary equivalent of a Die Hard movie being resolved with a UN debate.

    • yah, i agree that part was just weird and out of character for Jacob. but i do like Jacob 2.0 better then any other male role in twilight. also BD was a waste of two nights of my life i’ll never get back. sure smeyer build 700 pages of possible awesomeness and then KAPOOF “no, sorry no one dies we all live in happy lala lovey dovey magic rainbows, sparkelpire land and we aaaall live hapiwy eva afta”

      • Yeah, I have no problem with happy endings in books…WHEN THEY ARE EARNED!

        That doesn’t happen in Twilight, no…

        We get 2000+ pages of capital-W-Wangst(http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Wangst) and then they ride off “blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”

        That is the last line of the last book. *gag*

        • i occasionly like a happily ever after when i happen to fall in love with the characters and just dont want anything but a happily ever after but twilight on the other hand i hate everyone in it and i’d rather have it end in tragedy then *shutter* happieness

    • Fantasyforever Says:

      I second your post! You said everything just perfectly, especially about Jacob and the point where he goes to the dark side D:

    • What I’m worried about(and I use worried loosely) is that Kristen Stewart expressed an interest in doing Breaking Dawn.

      The thing is, Kristen is only reading the books as she films the movies, so as to not influence how she plays the role. Or some-young-actor-babble-about-purity-thing like that.

      Does she know that she has to vomit blood and have someone bite her uterus out?

      • Maybe she has a thing for uterus-biting?

        Christ, I hope they don’t make BD into a movie. It would just…be…too…I can’t even imagine how screwed up it would be in lovely visual format. It’s too weird.

        • Moonshade Says:

          How would they avoid an R rating with all that blood? How? I really want to know.

          Though it would be a wonderful little slap in Smeyer’s face if she couldn’t go to watch her own movie.

          • Clementine Says:

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

            Seriously, though, it is strange how graphic violence and ANY sex is avoided throughout the entire series, then there is this horrific, traumatic birth scene. I mean, I don’t mind the blood – at least that part was exciting – it’s just a strange break in the goody-goody trend of Smeyer’s writing. Why is a bloody labor ok, but not a good fight scene or sex?

            • I keep hearing about this baby eating her uterus away. I cannot find a decent recap online but I admit that my google-fu is sadly lacking. No way I’m going to read them, so can someone clue me in? D: *puppy eyes*

            • I mean recap of the birth scene. OBVIOUSLY I am reading an amazing recap of the books. D:

            • Clementine Says:

              Um, basically as the labor progresses, the baby gets stronger and stronger, like vampire strong, and starts breaking Bella’s bones. So one day she reaches for something suddenly, and the placenta detaches and the baby breaks Bella’s spine at the same time. So they rush her to this emergency room they’ve prepared in the house, and Edward tries to give Bella morphine but she flips out because the baby is in danger. So he cuts it out with his teeth! Because the placenta is like vampire skin or something. Later they say that usually the baby bites it’s way out, but Edward does it this time. Then he bites Bella all over and gives her an injection of venom so she will turn into a vampire and heal. It was a crazy, crazy scene. Disgusting, but the closest thing to exciting in these books that you can get.

            • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

              . . . What? That is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Could they not find a knife or something? I mean, the last thing I would want if I were in labor with a broken spine (lolwut?) is for my husband to start gnawing on my uterus. And how the fuck is a baby supposed to bite its way out of the womb? They don’t have any fucking teeth!
              Trust smeyer to take child birth and turn it into a cut scene from Alien.

            • Th… thank you for clarifying D: that’s pretty horrific. I am with the knife suggestion, that’s lame.

            • You don’t understand though, because the vampire skin is so sparkly hard it can’t be cut with a knife, only a vampire can cut it. And the baby is born with a perfect set of teeth. *picturing this in my mind is just creepy*

              I think the baby Reneesme is more of a mary sue then Bella, and that’s saying something.

          • Nah, they will probably make Bella faint (again) and then she will wake up after the whole thing is over.
            But seriously, how the hell is this supposed to be a romance? I think this could be easily pictured as terror.

            • I’ve probably given way too much thought about how it would work in a movie, but I was thinking maybe a slow-mo kind of thing of Bella’s face, with maybe a heartbeat (or better yet, two) as the only sound, with occasional small flashes of what’s going on around the bed, in normal time, with full sound. You could glimpse the blood a little bit, but not enough to make it an R rating, still get the general idea, and make it seem kinda hectic just like it was supposed to be. It could maybe show Edward biting her wrist or neck or something, which is still kinda disturbing, but less disturbing than the whole uterus-eating thing, maybe show her screaming and writhing on the bed for a few seconds, then kind of slowly back away into a bird’s eye kind of view and have her wake up later.

              Like I said. Waaay too much thought.

      • But it’s RPattz! Teh sexiest guy on teh whole plaet youguise!! He’s tops on my list of “Guys I’d Like to Have Gnaw Through my Abdominal Wall with their Non-Fangs while I Vomit Blood”.

        So. Romantic.

        • I know, right? I wish he’d come over and start messily chewing through my stomach. Sigh. If only more guys were good at that.

          • i know right? ’cause thats what i look for in a relationship, a shuper shmexy shuper hawt guy who can knock me up(but u know thats fine cause weiz in luv) then chew up me tum-tum

  6. Serenity Says:

    Huh, the fact that SMeyer skipped over the whole Florida scene must be why I don’t even remember that she went on a trip.

    Although Edward probably stayed out of the sun by being like ‘OH, I have a skin disease!’ If your skin sparkling like diamonds in UV rays counts as a disease…..Seriously.

    Why would Edward ‘pain’ himself reading Jacob’s mind about what Bella was like when he left her? I bet he was just curious to see how bad the effects of leaving her relly was. Secretly smirking in his mind at how pathetic Bella can be. (I was certainly rolling my eyes).

    • His excuse was that he was ‘studying’. Ummm, no? No matter if there’s studying or not, any person in my blood or chosen family would drag that guy’s butt out of the house. They don’t care much about studying, as most parents and family don’t.

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      He didn’t have to make excuses. His auxiliary vampower is the ability to make middle-aged women do his bidding. . . which in this case was to leave him to sulk in the dark while everyone else went out to enjoy themselves.

  7. Wow, I didn’t think it was possible for this series to get any more useless.

    Edward: OMG, Jkb! GTFO! Bella dsnt need to kno thz! Plus, ur way bttr then [sic] me, n Bella will totez lyk u BETTER! (yes, Edward talks just like his Twitwat fans)
    Bella: OMG OMG! Everything has to b about ME! ALL TH TIME! *wails*
    Jacob: I seriously didn’t think this could get any more stupid. Can my new, cooler personality and I bail before things get any worse?
    Stephenie: No, srry. I gotta make u as shtty s the rezt of the thinly-personality’d characters! TEEHEE!

    That’s pretty much the entire chapter.
    *facepalm*

    I feel so sorry for Jacob. Seriously, I think smeyer made him shitty in the end to compensate for the fact that he is way better at being a man than Edward–who had 100 years to practice. So much for wisdom coming with age.

  8. Nijimei Says:

    You, Rachel, have unfortunately only made me want to read the series /more/ so that I can follow up with what you have written with criticisms of my own :P
    Unfortunately, as much as I love reading these recaps I must call foul on this one, for the following reason:
    Being Wiccan, I must question what you meant by “Silly Pagan”. It could either be referring to Paganism on a whole, which you think is “silly” which I find a little off-putting but understandable. It could also be referring to woowoo “Silly Pagans” which I personally don’t find too offensive but I must say in defense of /them/ even woowoos would not go streaking through the forest for the sake of one fetal-positioned, manipulative ball of pathetic that is Bella Swan.
    Thanks you for reading, keep the updates coming ;)

    • I can’t speak for Rachel, but I actually read it as “Pagans who are also silly people/silly people who are also Pagans” But. I dunno. xD

      • Allycat Says:

        Seriously, being a witch myself (not a wiccan but yes a pagan) I was totally not offended by that at all and I laughed. Do we really need to PC the fuck out of everything?

        • I think “silly pagans” was on par with all of Rachel’s “silly womenfolk” statements.

        • Nijimei Says:

          ahaha goodness…. apologies all over. I was indeed, being sarcastic. No offense at all was taken and I too laughed at the idea of werewolf silly pagans. No idea that people would bother reading my comment and get all riled up about it ^^

    • Christina Says:

      Mm. I can see where you’re coming from but I read it much in the same way that I read when Rachel calls the wolves “injuns”, as something that isn’t really meant to be offensive but just there for satire’s sake.

      =D

      I think Rachel said it before- she thinks all religions are silly.
      (Once more, please correct me if I’m wrong.)

    • Softspoken Says:

      My two bits for this topic: comments like these tend to get imbedded in people’s lexicons, but they’re not indicative of hate, or even dislike. My basis for this argument is Avenue Q’s “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist”. We’re all racist, a little bit. And if we admit that, even though we all know it’s wrong… Maybe it’ll help us get along.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Yeah I agree with you. I’m Christian, but jokes at our expense don’t bother me. But I am Asian and I once saw a video on YouTube of toon pandas jumping around. It felt like they were caricatures of the Asian stereotype and even though some part of me felt like I was simply looking too hard into it, the other part of me felt a trifle offended (which I found quite strange since I never got offended over such things before). When you get right down to it, it’s all dependent on intent and interpretation. I’m sure Rachel didn’t mean to offend anyone by it. Except for SMeyer and Twi fans maybe.

        • Same here. I’m sure she meant it as pure satire. Heck, she’s against commenters being offensive towards Mormons, I don’t think she’d intentionally start out a flame war against Pagans.

          I’m Asian as well, and I have a foreign friend who likes to call us as ‘Chinks’. It sounds offensive, but she doesn’t mean anything bad by it, to her it’s a term of affection and endearment.

    • Some of my best friends are Pagan! I swear!

      • Don’t say ‘pagan,’ that’s our word. >:(

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Dear Madam,
        I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms to the statement in your blog that calls pagans silly. Some of my best friends are pagan and only 75% of them are silly. The rest of them are insane and are not even aware they’re in padded rooms.

        Yours Faithfully,
        Alaine de Evola (Druid)

        P. S. I wonder why those men gave me a jacket that won’t let me move my arms.

    • Mirthstrike Says:

      “Silly Pagan, Magix are for kyds!”

    • nsanelilmunky Says:

      I thought the same thing about the “silly pagans”… Especially when a few posts before she was asking that the Mormon comments end.

  9. Softspoken Says:

    Also:
    >> “Is this related to one of those Japanese cartoon things you keep watching?”
    It could be! It’s like a bishie sparkle!
    I wondered if she didn’t write in the whole “Goin’ to Florida!” And then think, “oh CRAP, Edward can’t be in the sun!” and then decide that rather than not going to Florida, she would just not talk about it.
    Not talking about things doesn’t make them go away, Mz. Meyer.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Maybe they were hit by a hurricane? …Nah… SMeyer would probably write about that. How Bella was a wimpering and clingy little woman doll in Edward’s arms while he’d comfort her in a way that is supposed to be reassuring but is actually self-centered and rather creepy. And Renee would sit there in admiration of Ed and comment about what a brave and upstanding guy he is and they should totes get married on the spot and she conveniently got her marrying license online. And then Bella would be like “Noes! Noes! I R not redy fr marry! OMG!” Or something.

    • It’s like a bishie sparkle!

      … Edward just combined with Armstrong in my head, thanks to you. It was almost there before, but now that I know I’m not alone…

      I feel sorry for Armstrong, yet I can’t stop laughing!

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        The crucial difference here is that sparkles make Armstrong look manlier (or at least I think so) while Ed not so much.

      • MAJOR EDWARD ARMSTRONG *SHINNNNNNNE*

        I would way take Armstrong over Edward. Armstrong is fucking manly.

        • Moonshade Says:

          You’ll have to fight me for him. I call dibs.

          Armstrong is also gentle, kind, and selfless– pretty much all things Edward ISN’T.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            I CALL A BATTLE ROYALE! …Or I would if I actually cared enough to watch Full Metal Alchemist. The only thing I know about that show is that there’s a robot, a shortie, a guy who likes fire, and ARMSTRONG! *FLEX! FLEX! SPARKLE!*

        • I did say I felt sorry for him, for even having it be possible to compare him to this thing. But you have to admit, imagining this bald, marble-statue Edward with pink bishie sparkle is freaking hilarious. Especially when the mental image falls over and his head breaks off.

          Also, Armstrong would beat Edward any day, in anything. Man of Integrity, damnit.

      • Armstrong pwns Edward any day. Come to that, Edward Elric pwns Edward Cullen any day as well.

      • Armstrong sparkles in a most masculine manner. it’s less “THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER” *sparkle sparkle* and more “THIS ARE THE MUSCLES OF A MAN OF INTEGRITY” *MANLY GLITTER*

        • GAZE UPON MY PERFECT BODY *shine*

          When Armstrong sparkles, it’s because he is the ultimate paragon of masculinity, and the only way our mortal Earth knows how to display this is through sheen.

          When Edward sparkles, it’s because he needs it to attract underage women.

          • I can honestly say, though…

            I can honestly say, though, I would rather have someone who looks like Edward(Cullen or Elric) before I would want someone who looks like Armstrong.

            For the purposes of the above opinion, assume they are all currently living, breathing humans with all their limbs.

            • Ignore the repetitive phrases.

            • diff’rent strokes.
              I’d take Armstrong or Elric (even if he is jailbait) over Cullen, but then again personality is 75% of the attraction for me. :P

              but heck, I’d take amputee Elric over Cullen, too.

            • Me too.

              Personality-wise none of them do a whole lot for me. I was just going by looks.

    • Di-chan Says:

      I know farther down there is the discussion about FMA’s Armstrong, but the Japanese Cartoon and Bishie Sparkle… I thought about Ayame from Fruits Basket.

      The crash in the background is my head against the wall.

  10. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    I thought werewolves were immune to vampire powers. Or is that just Alice’s power? Meh. The series is riddled with more holes than swiss cheese next to a cheese grater. I should just stop thinking about it.

    As for Ed’s overprotectiveness, he sounds like a parent. The type of parent whose children end up in therapy when they’re older because they were whacked in the face with too much reality all at once. If a dangerous person was after someone you care for a great deal, the least you could do is give them a heads up before suggesting Florida as a place to stay while the dangerous person is being taken care of. …Wait isn’t that what happened in the first book? In this case, Vicky would probably pretend to hold Charlie hostage. Hmm. I really should just stop thinking when it comes to this book.

    • Just Alice, she can’t see them. I still don’t get why Bella can’t hang out with Jacob, blaming it on Alice is stupid because Edward can still read the minds of the werewolves and anyone else but Bella….never mind, I’m using logic and there is no logic in the twilight universe.

      • Moonshade Says:

        It was explained once. Online. It sorta made sense, in a handwave sort of way, but not nearly enough to actually be logical.

        • Di-chan Says:

          There lies the problem… it was explained online and not in the book itself. Wouldn’t that be a bit of a moot point? Cause I kinda like reading a book that explains things in the text (using footnotes, endnotes, or just plain old added plot devices) and doesn’t force me to browse ego-centric websites for answers to something that obviously has no context.

          Example: Terry Pratchett has such an isnane world in his books (Discworld) that he uses footnotes to explain things that do not fit in the story.

          Footnotes are a wonderful invention.

          • Agreed. Some of my favorite books (including a few of Mr. Pratchett’s works), have footnotes. Generally (like the Amulet of Samarkand trilogy ((i know that’s not what they’re called, but I can’t spell his name)) are for humour, which makes some of the dull parts lively and fun to read. SMeyer needs some creative writing classes, BIG TIME.

            • Softspoken Says:

              I’m sure that if I ever wrote a novel, it would slowly be consumed by footnotes, until there was more of them than regular writing. I like to explain things.

            • Moonshade Says:

              That’s the Bartimaeus Trilogy. And it’s pretty much more footnote than it is text. (The same goes for Spook and Boink, which are amazingly hilarious as well).

              Not that I or anyone else complains.

          • Terry Pratchett made footnotes and orang utan librarians hip. Whereas Smeyer promoted the aggravated use of glitter.

            There is no comparison between him and Smeyer. It’s like comparing garbage that has been shit on to ambrosia.

            • Di-chan Says:

              Discworld destroys Smeyer’s “unique” vampires and werewolves.

              Feed them to the Wardrobe!

  11. Katie Cole Says:

    Oh Jacob gets better in BD, in my opinion. I just love how he and Rosalie are always going at it, and also Emmet and his sexual comments :D heehee

    • I’m going to start shipping Jacob/Rosalie and I’m already terrified.

      • You will be even more terrified when you actually read the book. It’s so freacking PREDICTABLE! I admit to going to the release party, where there was a wall dedicated to your predictions of what was going to happen. One of them said, I kid you not, ‘Bella and Edward have a baby, which Jacob then imprints on’.

        • Moonshade Says:

          I disagree. I predicted a crapload of things, none of which came to pass. Because, you know, I based my predictions on what I perceived to be foreshadowing in the earlier books, which didn’t EXIST when BD was written. Oh well.

          You know, usually I’m right in my plot predictions. I’m blaming it on Smeyer’s utter lack of talent that I was so far from the mark.

      • I think what bothers me most about Breaking Dawn is the the fate of Leah.

        The one woman who could actually be termed strong in the whole series winds up bitter and alone.

        • Clementine Says:

          Yeah, Leah has so much potential to be cool, but then Smeyer turns her into a total bitch who can’t get over her broken heart. It seems like the options for women in this series are 1) find your soul mate and live happily ever after as a stay-at-home mom, or 2) never recover from a breakup and become a scary hag that no one wants to be around.

          This is like Disney princess movies all over again. Independent woman = villain. Example: Ursula (Little Mermaid), the Wicked Stepmother (Cinderella), the Evil Queen (Snow White), Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty), Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmations), and our very own Victoria.

          • I feel like there was a brief period of moving away from that. See: Pocahontas (kinda), Mulan (not really a princess but we’re grasping here yeah?). Also I feel like Belle did an okay job of holding her own, there. Jasmine has moments, intermittently.

            But yeah that always bothered me a lot about Disney movies D: I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

            Ursula is the best. I love her backfat.

            • I’m sorry, but if Edward Cullen ever came into the same ROOM as Princess Jasmine, she’d have Rajah bite him in half. She has highly-functioning douchebag sensors.

            • Agreed! Not only is Jasmine awesome for having a personality and a PET TIGER omg she is also the second hottest Disney princess. After Mulan, of course.

            • “Bite him in half”? Haha, now that is a thing i would like to see.

            • Moonshade Says:

              Because, you know, Tigers are the only animals besides werewolves that can bite vampires into pieces.

              (And I’m German. Caps abuse is my calling card.)

            • I would stretch far enough to generally include “any female Disney heroine” and point out that Nala held her own. I also liked Mittens (bolt).

              …. wait, no, nevermind. I think I just made a connection. Disney princess; or strong, independent woman (that is an animal). :|

        • Totally agree, Leah was my favorite!!!! She didnt like Bella! She was smart! She was strong! she was just so cool! but of course smeyer needs to tell young woman that if they are at all strong they end up alone and of course as we all know only men can make us happy >=(

      • Moonshade Says:

        Muahahahahaha! Behold, I hath conveted thee to mine all-powerful ship!

  12. Well at least there is something to look forward to!

  13. WAIT. Whoa. Wait.

    So, Alice’s vampowers don’t work on werewolves. Because they’re werewolves. But Edward can still read Jacob’s mind.

    Bad Authorship, misogyny, or another sycophantic Edwardism?

    • Yes, yes and dear goddess help us, yes. It is rather sickening, isn’t it.

    • I think its misogyny.

      Jasper’s powers work on Jacob, too.

      • Not to mention how Alice’s and Jasper’s powers work on Bella, despite the brain-shield that apparently blocks Edward…

        …Buuut that’s another plot hole entirely.

        • Which the answer was phoned in. “Bella has a private mind” is bullshit.

          Stephenie Meyer obviously used that as an excuse for Bella to be able to attract Edward(in addition to her scent), but then couldn’t think up an adequate explanation for why, even though she’s making the rules herself.

          • Yes. Bella’s mind is SOOO private (read: empty) that it develops into a mind shield. And Edward is such an invasive dickwad that it develops into the ability to break into other people’s minds. Wooo~!

            • NO GUIS!

              HE WUZ SUPERRRR EN2ITIF!

            • Di-chan Says:

              Peering into Bella’s empty mind…

              It is set up as an empty warehouse full of dust and cobwebs with a posterboard in the center reading “Dear Human: Had better offer. left mind shield. Hamsters”

              That would totally dick around with Edward’s “fragile” mind.

              On powers, if Edward can read minds and doesn’t tune them out… does that mean his theme song should be “Nosey Joe” (Brian Setzer Orchestra)?

              http://www.purelyrics.com/index.php?lyrics=gdnzfvsk

    • Moonshade Says:

      “Werewolves are too chaotic to be predicted by Alice’s powers”

      Meaning that Alice is also vulnerable to the Joker, and pretty much anyone with a severe enough derangement. Or, you know, dudes like Indiana Jones who improvise on everything.

    • I thought this was weird too, but I looked into it.. Smeyer’s explanation for why Alice can’t see the werewolves future was that she can only read human and vampire’s futures because she had been a human and she was a vampire… and she’s neve been a werewolf, smeyer gives kind of a shitty excuse for the holes in her sight… but whatever… it’s smeyer.. can’t expect a lot i guess.

  14. I bet the vampires and the werewolves faced off and then somebody was all “Let’s just hug it out, bitch.” and then there was tea and scones and polite, civilized conversation.

  15. We really should stop bringing logic into this series. THIS IS TWILIGHT!

    ….. Now I feel dirty and guilty for saying that. Should not sully the good name of 300.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Nah, you forgot the dramatic half second pauses (Ex: THIS. IS. !). So ‘The Battle of Thermopolie’ is still unsullied by this series.

      But, total agreement on your statement. Sometimes we are like Spock trying to unstand human nature. (Trekkies, no frying me for that.)

      The only way to make this series fit reality is to break it down like a bad engine and rebuild it.

      • Di-chan Says:

        “Understand” not “unstand”… my folly.

      • As a born-and-bred Trekkie, I fully support this comparison. We are like unto Vulcans such as Spock or his father, the great Sarek, trying to understand with logical minds the actions of a species that seems to operate entirely under the principles of “Blaaaargh!! What?? Ooh, shiny! Hey look over there a plot hole yay! KITTENZ!”

        Truly, our minds are above this.

      • Oh good. That’s a relief. Now I can breathe easy knowing that Leonidas isn’t going to kick me into a pit in the middle of the night when I’m sleeping while screaming THIS. IS. REVENGE!

        Though…. The idea of Leonidas coming to me in the middle of the night is tempting… And far favourable compared to having sparklypants there watch one sleep.

        It’s a pity I’m not much of a Trekkie and thus am incapable of coming up with an intelligent, witty comparison on those lines.

        • …did you SEE the new Trek movie? Cuz there are one or two Starfleet officers who I wouldn’t mind a visit from…

          • I watched Star Trek before I started watching Heroes.

            So while my friends during the movie were going “Oh wow Sylar can be awesome,” all through Heroes I was asking myself “Why is Spock such a dick?

            • Same for me except reversed. I kept wondering why Sylar didn’t just cut everybody’s head open.

            • lol, me too!!! i rented the first and second series after i saw start trek and then watched the third season online. In the end Heroes has become one of my favorite shows. well any way moral of the comment is i had the same experience

            • Hahaha yessss high-five!

          • Di-chan Says:

            Amen on both Leonidas and the Starfleet officers mentioned. In this conversation, “Edward, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

            • He’ll also be the one who gets voted off first. And it’ll be unanimous.

              Not to mention Anne will make it especially sarcastic. Did I get her name right?

              “Has Edward’s body glitter outshine his brain? It’s time to vote off the weakest link.”

          • Unfortunately, no.

            Though your comment has led me to believe that the sooner I go watch it, the better.

  16. Keyaroscuro Says:

    Jacob is probably the most believable character in this entire bloody series up to this point. Which is kinda sad since he ends up with the worst ending in the world.

    My Twifriend told me a few weeks ago that she absolutely hates Jacob when I accidentally brought up Twilight. I had to explain to her the books in order to prove that he’s hardly a jerk at all.

    Even though I’ve never read past chapter 13 of Twilight.

    That’s…kinda sad.

  17. “Do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her?” he murmured.

    “She’s tougher than you think,” Jacob said. “And she’s been through worse.”

    Yet another conversation ABOUT the girl while she’s standing RIGHT there. Guh!

    Wait a minute… Jacob “said”? Twilight characters don’t SAY things! Dialogue is murmured, growled, screamed, complained, explained, insisted, sighed (oh god, the sighing…) but never said. Fire your editor, Smeyer.

    • This is one of the things that bothers me most in fanfic, etc. People read somewhere in a middle school creative writing segment that you should limit your “saids” and next thing you know there isn’t a single “said” for fifteen pages. The fact that it’s making it into a published book, and one this incredibly popular, is even sadder than adverb abuse, word misuse, etc. to me. It’s the biggest, more obviously flaw–it is GLARING–in amateur writing, and yet, here we sit. Discussing its presence in a cultural phenomenon. D:

  18. Six-foot-seven and muscled like a bodybuilder at age 17? The boy has a glandular disorder, not magical powers.

  19. Moonshade Says:

    Just for the heck of it, this is what BD would have looked like if it had been written by a competent author.

    http://masakomoonshade.blogspot.com/

    • I read it and it doesn’t impress me, honestly.

      I think the quality/competence ship had sailed by the time Breakign Dawn was published.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Forgive me.

        That’s just what I assumed would happen. Apparently a bunch of Twilight fans enjoyed it, but…

        Well, their judgment isn’t exactly high praise, is it?

  20. Wow, I read through this BLOG in one day….

    That Bella came to the conclusion that Victoria was the villain surprised me, because I totally forgot about her!

    Hey, I make misogynist jokes, but at least I’m not serious. Meyer should have tried to make more of an independant character…or at least have Bella some kind of semblance of a character outside of obsessing about Edward.

    This series really gives the wrong impression to young girls about sex.
    Edward is constantly pushing her away and makes her feel ashamed about having urges.

    And more importantly why does no Twilight fan mention Alice! She is the interesting character. I knew about Jacob being half way decent, but Alice is how a protagonist is supposed to be like.

    Not to mention the whole AlicexBella thing.
    “Maybe I should ask Alice. She knows what I need.”
    “Ah…OH…Alice!” she moans.
    “Sooo…your room or my room?”
    “Sorry, but I’m not ready for this kind of commitment.”

    Now those two would make an interesting couple. Not only because it would be hot, but they really seem to get along and have a healthy realtionship.

  21. I like how a third of the comments to this post turned into “who I’d rather hit instead of Edward Cullen” :]

  22. no one much Says:

    So if Bella has a baby, I guess that indicates Edward finally put out. Was it worth it? For all the tsoris, dude better provide stellar and copious orgasms.

    Jacob ends badly? Can someone specify? I only made it through the first two “books” but I liked him from the beginning.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Pedophile.

      He falls in love with Bella’s baby. Seconds after it’s born.

      • no one much Says:

        Really? That’s deeply disturbing. Does Smeyer realize it’s disturbing? Or is it supposed to be way romantic like Bella and Edward’s twu wuv?

        • It’s not romantic so much as convenient. The baby grow to 17 in 7 years (so even though she looks 17, she’s still just a 7-year-old), so that Jacob can be paired off and live ~*happily evr after*~

  23. Jacob’s behaving like a real person! Can’t last… *sigh*

  24. Can I say, right now, that Bella gets stiffed? She could have ended up in a normal(er) warm (literally) relationship with someone who respects her as an individual, and in the end goes with mr. Marbley forehead?
    I like Jacob. I hate Edward. I hate Bella. I like Jacob.

    I guess, for Jacob’s sake, I wish she went with him. I Guess, for Jacob’s sake, it’s better he doesn’t get stuck with a dumb broad like Bella.

    Poor Jacob, Poor Bella, Screw Edward.

  25. The thing is, things like the passing notes about saving her from a plane crash might actually be kind of nice IF it was written by someone with some degree of talent and IF the relationship/characters were actually romantic rather than abusive. I also say “things like” because that one itself -is- a tad creepy.

  26. One thing I’ve got to say is that Kristin HATES twilight and is paid to say all the pretty little things about it as well as fake date Rob. So please do not bash her she is one of us :)

    Next I like how Jake is a jackass to Edward but I didn’t like how he did it. That’s almost creepy revenge ex behavior. I mean really were Edward not such an ass himself that would just be a total jackass move.

    Also, I wanted to say my sister is taking a risk and bashing twilight to my whole town. She is going on the radio and talking about the stalking and abuse in it. I really hope she doesn’t you know get attacked by a fan… cross your fingers for her!

  27. Losing Nemo Says:

    OMG! I can’t believe you’re totally like dissing Twilight on dis…it totally changed my world view of people and made me realise that i am not alone in my room with my fish!

  28. “A villain who does not actually accomplish anything except make a lot of grown men run around in the woods like silly pagans,”

    You think pagans are silly?

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