Chapter Two

Edward creep-o-meter: 9

I went to the Significant Other’s folk’s place for our American Independence Day Food and Explosions Extravaganza, wearing my “And Then Buffy Staked Edward, The End” shirt. It turns out that Mikael’s aunt and cousin both feel exactly the same way we here at House Vampirely do. Getting into a very passionate discussion with two accomplished readers/writers from the family was exhilarating. We also got to bore the living daylights out of Mikael and his father.

The perils of living with a woman who has made a career of hating Twilight.

Chapter two is ratcheting up the creepy. And by the end of this recap, you’ll know why.

Bella goes to school. We, of course, want to hear all about this, and how she spends her time with the most perfect person on the planet (her exact words, not mine in the least). Everybody is panicking about this being their last year at high school, except for Alice and Edward. Good Lord, who knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids. Given that Edward has “done the Dartmouth route” already, I’m not even really sure why he’s bothering with high school at this point. Wait, did I cover this already? I think this book is actively making me stupider.

Angela, her boyfriend B… uh, Bill… no… Ben! Right, another mortal we don’t care about. Angela, her boyfriend Ben, Alice, Edward, and Bella have lunch. They talk about senioritis. Bella mentions she’s free of grounding now. Angela and her should totally hang. Alice wants to party in another country. It’s wacky, completely enthralling hijinx all around.

Alice starts to have a vision in the middle of a conversation. The fact that Alice just completely checks out for minutes at a time doesn’t seem to bother the mortals in the least. Alice just says she was “daydreaming,” and she and Edward discuss things telepathically, without filling Bella in.

Bella enters Supreme Paranoia Mode.

Edward seems to avoid alone time with her for the rest of the day, clearly to avoid her questions. Wait. I’m not sure if I’m even being sarcastic anymore. On the one hand, Bella has to make it all about her, and on the other, Edward is a controlling asshole and I wouldn’t put it past him. He even goes so far as to strike up a conversation with Mike “Nothing Wrong With Him” Newton to avoid conversation with Bella. A conversation about cars. Hmm. That’s not suspicious at all.

I love when relationships are based on subterfuge and evasion.

Alice starts talking a mile a minute about how Edward shouldn’t have offered his services to Mike as a mechanic. Apparently, Ed is just not that good of a mechanic. I nearly dropped the book at this point. Something Edward is not absolutely perfect at? This can’t be possible.

“[…] Though I suppose, for Mike’s car, you’ll do. It’s only within the finer tunings of a good Italian sports car that you’re out of your depth.”

Oh, so… okay, it’s not actually a flaw at all. Edward is still better than the average person at auto mechanics.


Alice and Edward continue to have Silent Mind-Bullet Conversations, leaving Bella completely out of the loop. She spends two paragraphs waiting, hoping, and internally whining over Edward not telling her what’s going on–completely missing the fact that she could solve this very readily by just saying “What was Alice’s vision, why are you guys hiding it from me?”

Bella continues to stress and fret and not just ask what’s wrong. Edward continues trying to distract her by making out a little, and talking about random boring things that don’t matter. P.S. kissing Edward is still like making out with a marble statue. That’s hotttt with like a million Ts.

Bella gets an e-mail from her mother. We are treated to a page of Bella narrating how she’s had to take care of her own mother all her life. This is to prove how intelligent and mature she is. In a well-written character, it would also explain why she is so desperate to find someone (like Edward) to control her own life. But we’re not reading about well-written characters, are we?

This is a segue into the inevitable discussion of marriage again. I still do not get how I can be treated to two, 500-page books about how true their love is and how mated their souls are and how other-halvey Edward is, and be forced to swallow the horse crap that is Bella’s new fear of commitment. It’s completely out-of-character–and for someone with no character, that’s saying a lot.

Mom, apparently, got married right out of high school and immediately had a kid. So now she pressures Bella to go to college and wait until she’s “older” to even THINK about marriage. Don’t do what I did! Is this hypocrisy, or trying to live vicariously through your daughter? Neither, because Renée is Bella’s sweet and scatterbrained mother, and we are not allowed to find fault with people that Bella likes.

She has to write something about Jacob in her email. And then she realizes that Edward is standing over her shoulder. Oh but he’s totally not reading her write this email. That would be controlling. He’s actually staring at something in her closet. Sure.

Edward produces the two plane tickets to Florida Bella got for her birthday in the last book. Apparently they’re about to expire, and Edward is, inconceivably, all about going to Florida. Trying to get Bella out of town, are we? Of course, Bella can’t see through this at all. She’s just worried that Charlie is going to throw a fit. And you know he will.

I sighed. “Not this weekend.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to fight with Charlie. Not so soon after he’s forgiven me.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “I think this weekend is perfect.”

I’m just positive he’s not going to try to undermine her decision to not go. He’s very respectful of her wants and wishes–so long as they’re in line with his. Otherwise, it’s Seduce Bella Until She Changes Her Mind time again!

I shook my head. “Another time.”

“You aren’t the only one who’s been trapped in this house, you know.” He frowned at me.

Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.

I laughed out-loud at this part. Edward, selfless? Right, stealing your crap in the last book and leaving you heartbroken was for your own good. Bullying or tricking you into doing things his way is because he’s protecting you.

Also, why the hell is he giving her lip for him being trapped in the house? Did Carlisle ground him to Bella’s bedroom, too?

Bella finally, finally gets around to asking what Alice had seen. It was something to do with Jasper going down south to see the family. Oh. Well. That’s… not at all what Bella or I was expecting. Bella is now chiding herself for being paranoid and assuming the worst. It’s all her fault! It’s not like Edward tried to avoid the subject and still seems to be keeping things from her. No no, she’s the one who needs therapy.

Bella makes Charlie a special dinner to keep him in a good mood with Edward there. Oh my God this is so “beaten housewife” I can hardly stand it. Charlie makes a comment about the Blacks inviting everyone down for some sports party. Bella wonders if Edward will get upset that Charlie is going to be hanging out with werewolves. We all know this is not the case, because Edward has no interest in controlling Charlie.

Edward and Bella get to washing dishes.

“Charlie,” Edward said in a conversational tone.

Charlie stopped in the middle of his little kitchen. “Yeah?”

“Did Bella ever tell you that my parents gave her airplane tickets on her last birthday, so that she could visit Renée?”

Annnnd Edward completely undermines Bella. Are you surprised? Cause I’m freaking surprised.

Charlie seems okay with Bella going to visit her mother, until Edward mentions that he’d be going, too. Charlie shouts, stomps, and does everything but flip a table. (Also, I see my first use of the word “chagrin.” I’ve heard that the misuse of this word gets a little ridiculous, so I’m going to keep track!) Charlie attempts to ground Bella again for… uh, well, nothing at all, actually, and she calls him on it. By threatening to move out.

It’s battle of the nut-jobs!

Bella seems to like this new tactic of “say something shocking and terrible, then immediately follow up with something manipulative and seemingly reasonable.” She drops the “well, when do you want me to move out” card, then, when Charlie’s face turns purple, she sighs and does the whole “Look I’m trying to be reasonable but you can’t just order me around because I’m an adult and I can manipulate you like a pro now.”

Charlie eventually relents. Because he’s a pushover. A big, yelling, gun-toting pushover. She escapes to go to the Cullen Manor.

In the car, Edward insists that Bella has been talking about her mother in her sleep. Worrying about her and such. Bella is surprised at this. I’m just positive Edward isn’t lying in further attempt to get her out of town. But it’s okay if he does it, because he loves her. When she asks him why he had to go and make Charlie mad after she (very reasonably) said she’d have to wait until later, he says this:

“But, clearly, you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf.”

There’s that sweet caring boyfriend we know and love, belittling her so she remembers that she is only so much human chaff, and is, quite frankly, lucky to have such a wonderful perfect guy to hold her hand everywhere she goes.

She asks if this has anything to do with the party at the Black’s place, and he says “Not at all. It wouldn’t matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn’t be going.” Yikes. Bella, miraculously, compares this to how Charlie was talking to her earlier. But she just doesn’t want to fight with Edward :(((

When Bella comes back, sans Edward, Charlie attempts to have The Sex Talk with her. Dad, seriously, the only time sex was even mentioned (and even then, through innuendo and eyebrow-waggling) was in chapter fourteen of Twilight. You have nothing to worry about.

That epic little lols-fest done with, Bella realizes she’s got an hour before Edward will come back to her room. This is just enough time to sneak down to La Push and actually see Jacob.

She is sneaking to La Push to see her friend. She has to sneak to avoid her boyfriend’s wrath. Why do Twilight fans not see the problem with this?

Bella tells Charlie where she’s going, and goes out to her truck, looking over her shoulder the whole way. She puts the key in the ignition, turns it… and nothing happens.

It is at this point that she realizes Edward is sitting next to her in the cab, turning a piece of her engine over and over in his hands.

While he turns this big piece of metal over in his hands in a gesture that isn’t a stretch to describe as threatening, he explains that Alice had a vision wherein Bella’s future disappeared. Naturally, this is because she’s going to go hang out with werewolves.

“Because she can’t see the wolves, you know,” he explained in the same low murmur. “Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs, you disappear, too. You couldn’t know that part, I realize that. But can you understand why that might make me a little… anxious?”

This is not the dialogue of a loving, caring man, who is “anxious” for his lover.

This is the dialogue of a sociopathic creep.

I would expect this in a psychological thriller, in a suspense or mystery novel, something. I would expect this from a sinister person.

But I am expected to believe that this is from the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I am more than a little frightened right now.

He continues to twirl a piece of her truck in his hands, murmuring idly about the nature of werewolves. If I were Bella, I would have started screaming for help at this point, because in not too many novels that engine piece would have ended up embedded in her skull at some point.

“I’ll put your car back together in time for school, in case you’d like to drive yourself,” he assured me after a minute.

Oh well that’s kind of him.

With my lips mashed together, I retrieved my keys and stiffly climbed out of the truck.

“Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand,” he whispered, just before I slammed the door.

Whispering it like that means that he won’t understand, and will hold it against her for later. When he can disable her truck and break a leg or two. To protect her, of course.

Bella slams the door to the house and stomps upstairs. She shouts down to Charlie that her truck won’t start. He offers the use of his police cruiser, which is not in accordance with the law, so she declines.

When she gets to her room, she slams the window shut so hard the glass shakes.

Then, five minutes later, she sighs, gets back up and opens it again.

I have no. Freaking. Words. For this.


193 Responses to “Chapter Two”

  1. Reading that line outside of the context of the book(having been too distracted the first-and only-read through) gave me shivers.

    I’m almost inclined to reread the whole series critically.


    • Are you talking about his creepy I Will Break Your Legs To Keep You With Me Forever-style monologue?

      Because I seriously shivered too. It’s the perfect stalker speech. Does Stephenie know she’s writing a psychological horror series?

      • Yeah. Especially the “But can you understand why that might make me a little…anxious?” part.

        Seriously, if this stuff had been done on purpose and had been meant in the context for which it would be appropriate, this could be great literature.

        • i totally agree, if smeyer gave the book a “leave your abusive relationship because it isnt really love” angel then this would be great but no she gives it the classic “i dont care that he beats me i still wuv him no matter what” outlook. when i read Eclipse i was seriously scarred for poor bella because you know of course smeyer gave bella ziltch way to win a against a vampire.

      • it gave me shivers, too, but I suspect because I’ve heard similar things in my life before. :|

        • When I read his (let’s face it) threatening monologue, I was actually becoming afraid for Bella. I have to admit, I slipped into my normal reading mode. I was frightened the next paragraph was going to be about him hurting her in some way.

          Unfortunately, the next few paragraphs AFTER that reminded me that I was reading a Twilight book.

      • It really really is. This isn’t the first time I’ve read something in Twilight that would’ve been great in some other kind of series, but in a romance?

        You’re not alone. I read that bit about him sitting there and…wow, that really gives me shivers. And twirling that piece around? Anyone else get an image of a wife-beater “twirling a baseball bat around and around”?

    • When I read Eclipse I basically laughed my way through because of the absurdity of it all. That line didn’t seem quite so creepy because of it, but damn, if the book were well written this scene could have been the perfect intro to a sudden horror story.

  2. Rat Queen Says:

    Holy. Crap.

    What. The. Heck.

    I can sooo see Edward pulling a serial killer move on her. Three days later, Bella is found in Florida, every bone broken, tied to a tree, with her disassembled car surrounding her in a sacrificial altar sort of way.

    She never says who did it and dies before reaching the hospital. The crime is never solved.

    • She did it herself, remember, cuz Bella is clumsy, guys.

      • Andrew Acelister Says:

        Thank you for making me laugh SO much! :D

        • sociolinguist Says:

          I’m sure y’all are giggling and laughing away, but some people here have hinted that Edward’s abusive behavior hits a little too close to home for them because of events they have suffered in their own history. So it might be nice of us all to keep that in mind, and try not to indulge in violence that will trigger people. I’m just saying it’s something to think about.

    • LOL so sad!! I’m still laughing.

  3. Rachel, I have this to say: If you think that [i]this[/i] is creepy I assure you that it gets worse. Wait to you get to [i]Breaking Dawen[/i] (which is so incredibly boring. I read the “saga” for very similar reasons to yours. Reading book-o-four was like watching paint dry in slow-motion. It took me more than a month to get through whereas the others were polished off within weeks.). Spoiler: You’ll have to make a new tag “rape is love.”

    On a side note, I thought that Meyer used the word “chagrin” in the first two books as well (and no, not always in the way the word should be used. Surprised?).

    Any hoot, your blog is awesome, I wish I would have thought of this when I tortured myself.

    • Boo the coding didn’t work. Sad. :(

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        It’s html coding, not bbc or whatever that forum coding is called. Instead of brackets, you use .

    • Rape? When?

      Anyway, the entry for the word chagrin on wikipedia used to read “Most known for it’s use in the Twilight series, by Stephenie Meyer. Because she uses it so often, she gets to change its meaning.”

      • Moonshade Says:

        Rosalie was gang raped. Aaaaand… well, you could count the endless bruises on Bella after her sexual encounters, but that was entirely consensual (but maybe it doesn’t count if you consider her retardation?)

        • Doesn’t Edward knock her unconscious the first time they have sex? Annnnnnnd that is basically rape?

          I haven’t gotten to BD yet, so I don’t actually know what’s going on here lol

          • Moonshade Says:

            Not that I recall. She does “wake up afterwards”, but I interpreted that as a nice little fade in. Being Smeyer, she doesn’t give anything but a before and after picture, without any explanation besides ‘he bit a pillow’.

            Though you have to wonder about the fact that she repeatedly asks for him to do it again.

            • what I remember, she blacked out (she doesn’t remember it afterwards – a tool to cover Smeyer avoiding describing it, but still)

              like, I’m pretty sure she’s surprised to wake up and find BRUISES ALL OVER.

            • Wait, all this crap with Bella and it turns out Edward is a pillow-biter? You’ve got to be kidding me.

          • …. He keeps going while she’s unconscious?

            The horribleness of that cannot be put into words.


            • I totally forgot about that. I always thought they just fell asleep or something. But it makes sense, otherwise why would she not remember the biting a pillow thing, if she was conscious?

            • Yes… and that’s the creepiness of it all.


              In my book being uncouscious and the dude still going at it is at least boarderline rape. But alas, we’ll get to BD eventually.

            • @Niji Well you’d think that the whole point to consent to sex is that either partner can say ‘stop’ at anytime, once you take away the other partners ability to say no away, it’s sort of not consensual.

              But apparently unconscious is the way Bella likes it.

          • BD spoiler, for those who care:

            We really don’t know the fade to black scene happens at night while they are in the water.

            The next scene opens and it is mid-afternoon, and she wakes up on the beach, covered in bruises.

            With the exception of the bruises, its standard fare as far as fade to black scenes go. As in, it cuts off right before it gets interesting, and starts with “the next morning”.

            Edward is angry with her for not saying he was hurting with her(apparently he gripped her too hard? I don’t know), and says he won’t sleep with her again until she is a vampire.

            He criticizes. She berates. He accuses her of lying. She says his angst is unnecessary. There’s a role-reversal on the “make Bella a vampire now” issue.

            Bella has a sex dream, but Edward wakes her up and they do it again with less bruising(He thought she was having a nightmare). And soon after the demon child is nudging her hand from within the womb.

            I honestly feel that if Bella passed out, Edward would stop. He’s shown obvious care for Bella’s physical well-being, while completely destroying her already-damaged emotional health. Rape would be outside the realm of Edward’s characterization, even for the awful person he is portrayed as.

            • i just too easily someone that thinks “physically disabling your girlfriend from seeing her friend, then threatening her” wouldn’t take much of a step to “she wanted it when we started, so when she falls unconscious and I rough her up a little it’s not rape.”

            • Moonshade Says:

              I’m going to agree with Gordon here– (though she woke up in bed, rather than on the beach)– even Smeyer wouldn’t play off rape as romantic, no matter how twisted she is.

            • sociolinguist Says:

              I think rape is totally in line with Edward’s character and with Smeyer’s ideas about how men and women relate. The entire series has been about Edward making all of Bella’s decisions for her–all the ones that affect him, anyway–and either physically or emotionally preventing her from making an alternative decision.

              Plus, remember when he physically aroused her in the woods to get her to do what he wanted against her will? That’s pretty close to rape, as it literally happened in the book, and considering that allegory is a major role of fiction–especially since Smeyer has shown a total unwillingness to tell the full details of their sex life, and has implied their sexuality through metaphor–it may well correspond with an actual rape.

              Relationship abusers do not just stop at forcing sex on their victims, arbitrarily, just because that’s “too far”. You have to understand how these people think. They feel they’re entitled to whatever they can take, or bully their way into, and they are very good at giving themselves and others excuses for their abusive behavior. The abuser is the master of convincing himself that “this one thing” he’s doing now may be a little bad, but it’s just one little thing, and he’s not a horrible person, he’s just pushing the envelope a little bit because it has to be done. Then he gets bolder when nobody stops him, and he moves on to the next level of abuse and/or violence; he has a justification for this too, and he’s usually not the only one who believes it. Remember how Edward gets women to believe everything he says, and give him whatever he needs? Bella alluded to how easy it was for him to deal with female bureaucrats for this reason.

              My point is, you can assume Edward is not a rapist, if that will make you feel better. But it would involve an extraordinary break from character, in four books where his character is pretty consistent. It would involve a totally different attitude around sex on Edward’s part than he holds for every other aspect of their relationship, where what he says, goes, whether or not Bella wants to do it.

              I don’t feel good thinking about it either, but we have to face the facts we have. It would take something much, much bigger than mere reasonable doubt, in order for me to assume that Edward is not a rapist, and did not rape Bella. At a minimum. It’s the only thing that makes sense. If you’ve ever known an abuser, you know I’m right. If not, own up to your privilege; we’re not all so lucky.

          • Oh, you’ll be happy with Rosalie in BD. Yeah, those guys who gang raped her? Just about the MINUTE she became vampire, she killed them, taking much pleasure from it. The only decent sub plot in the series. The ENTIRE series.

            • I’m worried about Stephenie’s ability to cover the issue of rape with the maturity and levity it deserves.

              Well, not so much worried, as “incredibly doubtful.”

              At least Rosalie has more balls than half the male cast of the series!

            • True, though it’s surprisingly mature. And it’s nice to see Rosalie more, not to mention kicking some molseter-ass. Now if only she’d kick Edward’s… Or SMeyer’s…

  4. “Charlie makes a comment about the Blacks inviting everyone down for some sports party.”

    This took me completely by surprise for a second before I remembered Jacob’s last name is Black. Oh ho ho, what funny ideas I had about THAT.

    Also I am so scared of Edward now. Like actively frightened. This is way worse than the clown from “It,” Hannibal Lecter and the dude that makes lady skin coats. I am sleeping with my windows locked and a stake under my pillow, guys.

    • Moonshade Says:

      See, Hannibal at least acknowledged the fact that his worldview did not coincide with the actual world. He was creepy and scary, and he embraced it. Very few teenagers are dumping boyfriends in favor of Hannibal Lecter.

    • But glitterpires are totally immune to any normal vampire-slaying stuff, remember? The stake would be moot. Better get a teenager with an IOU for a personality. That should keep them away.

      • I will threaten them with grounding and then leave their windows unlocked! My plan is PERFECT.

        • Honestly, Charlie and Renee are the most incompetent parents.

          I’m honestly surprised they managed to work out “insert Flap A into Slot B” well enough to make Bella in the first place.

          • I feel they are less incompetent and more severely under-developed. like pretty much every other character in this series aside the vampires, werewolves, and Bella.

            • Exactly. All of these characters have potential, yet are wasted by smeyers *coughcough* brilliance. Such as Alice, Rosalie, and, well, that’s about it…

            • I disagree.

              Charlie spends four months listening to his daughter scream in her sleep. He shows zero interest in where she goes and what she does, until he decides Edward Cullen is bad news.

              The fact that it took him so fucking long to realize Edward was bad news makes him .

              My father was a small town cop for all of my life, and I keep my emotions bottled up. For about three years, it was just the two of us living together. We saw each other maybe five or six hours over the course of a given five day period, between work and school. My dad could always tell when something was wrong or something had changed drastically in my life. On top of that, he could always tell when I was keeping something back or outright lying.

              In my opinion, Charlie is one of the most incompetent parents in literature, outside of being intentionally harmful.

  5. Truthfully, I liked the first two books of this series. Sadly, it wasn’t until this book, Eclipse, that I finally saw the light. This chapter was the first moment I realized how much of pushover Bella is and how creepy and stalker-like Edward is. I’m ashame of myself for liking it at point in time but I’m happy I got out of it in time. Better late than never.

    And I could never really figure out why Edward wouldn’t let her hang with the wolves.

    What a petty douchebag.

    • I never got the thing about the wolves, either. The way her time spent with them is written, it sounds like she’s having far more fun than when she’s with the sparklepires. She seems to be a hell of a lot safer with the wolves at any rate.

      • I think the wolves’ animosity toward the vampires and the vampires’ animosity to the wolves makes complete since(in context), even if it is undeserved.

        To the werewolves(whose very existence proves that most vampires are murdering monsters), the vampires are evil. Jacob has this reinforced when Edward comes back to claim his woman.

        The vampires view the werewolves as uncontrollable animals. Several times Jacob loses his temper and changes. I think that gives Edward’s stated fears credence, even if his true motivation is jealousy.

      • Let me amend that to say, if Edward had ever actually said outright why he thought it a bad idea, rather than just saying/doing the equivalent of “DANGER, BELLA SWAN! DANGER! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”(Did I just combine a sci-fi reference with a fantasy reference? I think I did.), leading Bella to rightly assume he was just jealous.

        If he had just sat her down and explained, in a calm and rational manner, why it was so dangerous for her(or, better yet, have Carlisle explain it), maybe she would have listened a little bit more and wouldn’t have rebelled so much and done it anyway.

        What am I saying? This is Twilight, where calm and rational spin in their graves like a pair of twin perpetual spinning machines, while their good friends logic and common sense sob and gnash their teeth at the graves in mindless grief.

        • Christina Says:

          Well, I think it makes it worse that Jacob never hurt Bella. In fact, I don’t think Bella was in any real danger when around the wolves (someone, please correct me if I’m wrong). Around the sparklespires, Bella got a paperclip and one of them went crazy nutso. I’d say all evidence points to the vampires being more of a threat to Bella than the wolves.

          Hell, Edward himself is able to make Bella go near comatose. All he has to do is leave her.

          But of course, logical thoughts are thrown out the window.

          • When she first visits the werewolves, Paul loses his temper and he and Jacob have a tussle.

            Uh, that was really it. I mean, Jacob kept himself under control for the entire book. Never once did I feel like Bella was words away from a werewolf mauling.

            • There’s at least once Jacob gets so angry listening to Bella talk(I can empathize, like most) that he has to run off into the woods in order to avoid changing right there (and I believe he goes on a private wolfy rampage at some point).

              Jacob and Edward are literal opposites of each other. Hot vs Cold. Approved Ethnic vs Extreme Caucasian. Completely Open Emotionally vs. Completely Guarded Emotionally.

            • Yes, but Jacob still removed himself from the situation before Bella got hurt. Edward seems determined to just play a cleanup role. “You were almost accosted by thugs in an alley? Let me rescue you and talk about how I want to kill them. You were kidnapped by James and he broke your leg and some ribs? Let me rescue you and tell your mother how you fell down the stairs. You had a papercut and Jasper nearly ate you? Let me steal your shit and leave you heartbroken in the woods.” Etcetera. Etcetera.

              Jacob is far more considerate, at the very least.

            • How is it that I am replying to comments, and they are getting bumped to the bottom of the page as though I were holding a conversation with myself?

              This must be investigated. I cannot be made to look insane!

            • Keyaroscuro Says:

              Don’t worry, if they send you to the loony bin you can throw rotten food at Bella in the institute for the psychologically idiot and personality devoid next door.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Or, if they’re simply in a different ward, throw food (and utensils) at her every meal time. You may spark a food fight and get in trouble, but a food fight is sure to brighten up the atmosphere!

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              …Rachel, the “replies sent to bottom of the stack” happened to me too just now. Programming glitch or perhaps one of the rabid fans only knows enough hacking to cause a minor glitch. (I’m mildly paranoid.)

            • Keyaroscuro Says:

              Oh I know! Forget the food. You can throw sparkles and have a sparkle war!

            • When I read that at first I thought it said ‘sprinkles’ and I got all excited…

            • Katie Cole Says:

              but we’re all mad here :D

            • agreed

          • Christina Says:

            x_x I so meant papercut. Not paperclip.

        • And that’s the big problem I have with how this is being presented. If they actually talked about what was going on, discussed it, then it wouldn’t look so unhealthy.

          But no. There is no discussion. None even allowed. Edward said no and that is the end of it. And he will–apparently–go to great lengths to enforce his law upon her.

  6. … Was any of that mumbling he did something to do with serving her with fava beans and a nice chianti? Because dear gods is that creepy! O.o

    I’ve heard of this scene. I remember people saying he did this. I had no idea he was twirling the engine around.

    And when you consider that mister mechanic could’ve easily plucked the ignition, removed the starter motor, or, I don’t know, asked her not to go and explained why, this seen takes on an even greater level of creepy. He had to have wanted her to know how easily he could break all her bones.

    This is not how a protagonist should act.

    *shudders* I’m going to go hide now.

    • He could have cut the brake lines. With his teeth.

      • That’s the thing, though. She would have still gone, And she would have died. What use would that be? He wants to control her every move protect her, why would he kill her?

        That cutting the brake lines is tame compared to what he’s actually written doing is all kinds of wrong.

        • Bleh for double post… There was a strikethrough on “control her every move,” but it’s not showing up. Guess <s> doesn’t work.

      • …or his cold, sparkling marble abs!

  7. Elizabeth Jimenez Says:

    I was watching the movie and lol-ing at it every few minutes (my brother put it in! I don’t know why!) until I read this particular post. I had blocked Eclipse out for a reason and I remember why now. I’m morbidly interested in how the sequels will portray… uh, gloss over, rather, the tones of a controlling relationship. Especially the third one.
    (Side note: Edward said in the movie “I can’t ever lose control with you” as I was typing this. Creepy!)

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      You’re forgetting, HE CAN READ YOUR MIND.

      • Softspoken Says:

        This made me check behind my shoulder, because it was cloudy this morning, and without the sun to sparkle him, Edward could be RIGHT BEHIND ME OH MY —

        [end of transmission]

  8. Oh my gosh… that’s the scariest thing I’ve read in a long time (the engine part). Eddie would make a superb villain if he were, y’know, an actual vampire instead of a sparkly bitch who gets his kicks out of manipulating pathetic, personality-devoid weaklings with his awesome perfection.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Would that make him a parody villain or the expendable minion?

      • Yep. Probably. I think someone should rewrite this series the way it should be. Alice and Bella together, or Bella and Mike, with some NON GAY (I mean SPRAKLING) vampires. Like, some kick-ass creepy ones. Like Eddie in this scene.

        • Moonshade Says:

          For the record, I’ve always shipped Jacob and Rosalie. I imagined that they’d hook up over car-fixing.

        • It could be done….

          1) Eliminate superfluous characters(Emmet and Esme, I’m looking at you) and superpowers.

          2) Give the Edward/Bella “relationship” more time to grow, with Edward being genuinely nice and charming and then slowly devolving into what we see here.

          3) Give the humans more screen time. These are Bella’s friends, not props for school scenes.

          4) Improve Edward’s backstory. He didn’t spend 100 years moping for the hell of it, but actually tried to form a lasting relationship more than once and failed miserably. He subsequently keeps reliving the first failure, and making new mistakes each time. Essentially his own obsession keeps him stuck in the same moment, and he never grows(or matures) from it. He’s also much older(in vampire years, not physical age).

          5) The Alice character becomes a “new vampire”, meaning she was made within the last decade. She’s modern and not screwed up like the other Cullens. She’s well-adjusted, adept with computers, and has a steady vampire boyfriend. Their relationship is largely angst-free. None of the Cullens made her. She was made independently and enslaved by the Master vampire who made her. Fortunately the Cullens came through shortly thereafter, and killed him.

          6) Carlisle is actually insane, and rarely leaves the house. In fact, the only Cullens who regularly interact with humans are Edward and Alice. Alice because she felt the desire to finish school and graduate college(remains of a filial duty, and she has since graduated), and Edward because he’s trying to find another girl to try to create a relationship with. This is the first and only time Edward has gone to any sort of school in modern times. He relied heavily on Alice to ease the transition, and that is why they are so close.

          7) Rosalie is the first of Edward’s failed relationships. He pretended to be a tutor in the mid-1800s to her upper class family, and they fell in love. However, that didn’t translate well into vampirism(because Edward didn’t tell her he was a vampire, or that he was going to make her one as well) and she subsequently loathes him and wants to make him suffer for making her as she is.

          9) Also Carlisle seduced Edward(mentally, sexually, or both) into becoming a vampire. This is left intentionally ambiguous, and is a source of constant conflict between them.(Can’t you smell the fanfic already?)

          10) Bella’s human friends recognize the awful signs of the relationship between the two of them. They begrudgingly accept it(after having failed to discourage it) if only to not abandon their new friend.

          11) Bella’s parents become neglectful non-entities except where absolutely necessary, or take on a role just like her friends.

          12) Fix the horrible pacing issues. Perhaps a series of grizzly murders begins soon after Bella and Edward start seeing each other, and soon someone begins stalking her(someone other than Edward, that is).

          13) Give the hobopires a legitimate reason to come after Bella. Maybe Carlisle or Edward killed one of their friends or something and they just tracked him down and decide to start killing their associates…starting with the most vulnerable one.

          14) Change all the names, of course.

          15) If it’s sparkling, it better be a discoball, Perrier or a first grader just out of art class. Give the vampires more vampire-like qualities, and takes away the stupid qualities(ice cold skin, diamond hardness, color-changing eyes).

          16) The werewolves actually are a cult, but they aren’t Native American. One guy was born with the gene/curse, and it awakened or whatever, and he infected his closest friends and various youth(this also gives him a sort of psychic control over them). He chooses Jacob for his next turning.

          17) The Victoria character actually makes an appearance towards the end of the second book(is unambiguously glimpsed several times, but is frightened away by Bella’s werewolf interaction), but this is eclipsed(haha, no pun intended) by the climax of the book, which involves a showdown where Jacob character kills Sam character and becomes the new leader. Bella does save Edward from suicide somehow, only in a much more believable manner(and in a way that doesn’t apparently involve time travel).

          18) In book three, Victoria creates a huge diversion, kidnaps Bella, and changes her. Edward and Jacob kill her as Bella undergoes the change. Jacob tearfully says goodbye to her, because as far as he is concerned she is dead. Edward watches over her until she looses consciousness. The trilogy ends with Bella opening her eyes as a newborn vampire as Edward stands over her.

          19) Oh, also somewhere in the third book Edward hits the creepy limit and Bella loses it. She tells him off(This is not how I am spending eternity with you) and runs away from him to think alone and sort herself out. This is how she is captured. (Perhaps in a brief interlude of Edward’s perspective we see him seethe over this, fight Victoria’s diversion, frantically search for Bella, and decide that Bella is more important than his control)

          20) No fourth book whatsoever.

          21) Bella actually fights off the James character to some extent, as well as Victoria(think Jamie Lee Curtis bitchslapping Tia Carrere in True Lies, if that reference isn’t outdated enough). She also fends off Jacob’s advances deftly, without breaking her hand. In general, she is less bitchy, spineless, and manipulative. Everyone doesn’t flock to her like dehydrated ducks to water, either.

          22) No one is preternaturally beautiful. Death improves your appearance to some extent(mostly this is due to the lack of signs of weariness people accumulate by living), but if you had like…horrible acne scars or something, those don’t magically disappear.

          …I may have thought about this too much.

          It may need a little tweaking, but I think it could work.

          • Andrew Acelister Says:

            That would be much better! I’d be able to understand how that was a popular book series.

            • Me too. And I could see myself becoming addicted to those books. My favorite part would be the Bella-grows-a-spine bit. Though I am saddened by lack of Rosalie/Alice or Rosalie/Jacob or Alice/Bella, I think it could work. :)

          • Softspoken Says:

            This was really long. But I really liked it. Suggestion? You could keep the daylight = bad, but not fatal thing if you wanted. Maybe vampires look like walking corpses in full, natural daylight. Semi-visible bones and translucent greyish skin and such.

            • Allycat Says:

              Now that is a really cool idea!

            • I was thinking maybe the sunlight could reverse whatever was keeping them from decaying.

              So, after a few minutes sun exposure, they would start to bloat and rot, and then after an hour or so, their skin would dry up like jerky, leaving them looking skeletal and gross.

          • …. damnit. as much as I hate twilight, I would read that. Hell, I’d probably even enjoy it. I do lots of writing, and if it weren’t for copyright, I would try to write it….

            maybe I should do it anyways and post it as fanfiction on some big twitter site and see how fast I get my first flame/get kicked off the site.

            *insert evil laughter*

            • Actually, someone should write it, just to see if it could be published.

              And then, when people say stuff about it to Smeyer and she reads it and tries to sue, you can be like “Nuh-uh, Bella and Edward have TWU WUV, and Edward would never hurt Bella like my character does to the similar female character.”

            • what you do is change the names and she won’t be able to do diddly.

          • um seriously, get writing.i would want to read this book

          • Grisly murders, I presume? Unless you’re suggesting we keep the endangered predators as food source subplot.

            Sounds cool!

          • sociolinguist Says:

            So Alice has to get a boyfriend, and the gay stuff is left for “the fanfics”. Because nobody in the real world is gay, just in fairyland? How quintessentially Mormon/Smeyeristic of you.

          • I would read that. With pleasure. Get cracking.

  9. Clementine Says:

    What’s ridiculous is that SMeyer later in this book makes an allusion to how everyone thinks Edward is controlling and how that’s JUST SO CRAZY, GUYS. OF COURSE HE’S NOT ABUSIVE, LIKE, DUH. Jacob actually makes a jibe about how Edward reminds him of a report he saw on TV about controlling, abusive teenage relationships. But he’s joking, and Bella is all, “oh Jacob, don’t be silly”. So SMeyer has to know that people think Edward is abusive, but thinks the idea is so laughable that she can joke about it in the book. That is just frightening!

    PS I accidentally typed Edwart. That was funny, I should have just left it.

    • at one point, BELLA even acknowledges that he’s controlling. she asks Alice if keeping her away from the werewolves seems a little controlling, and Alice is just like, no, you just don’t understand, he’s protecting you, they’re dangerous, blah blah blah.

      that part made me not like Alice.

      • Well, think about it.

        In Alice’s case, she feels the caution is justified. Not as a validation of Edward’s jealousy, but as a validation for her own fear.

        For the past…what? 80 years or so, Alice has relied on her visions to warn her that the people she cares about are in danger. The werewolves are completely immune to that power. She has never met Jacob or any of the werewolves, and knows nothing about him.

        Bella wants to go off alone with a bunch of potentially dangerous creatures who kill her kind with relative ease, where Alice can’t “see” her. Bella is accident prone, not known for making good decisions.

        Does Alice know about Emily? If so, then we can add that in to her list of reason ‘why Bella and La Push are a Bad Idea’.

        Add on to that fact, that Bella is going to meet a boy who is a rival for the affections of her brother’s fiance, and I can see her and any of the other Cullens wanting to keep Bella away from La Push.

        If this were a normal, functional relationship, Edward would trust Bella’s judgment enough to decide who she should and shouldn’t be friends with. Furthermore, he would encourage and demand that his family do the same. But no, this is Twilightland where getting someone hurt and “doing what you think is best for them” is the only way to show you really do care.

        • Moonshade Says:

          If this were a well-written book by a competent author, I’d be behind you 100%. As it is, the real reason is that Smeyer just wanted to validate Edward and put aside the already prevalent beliefs that he was a controlling freak.

          • Maybe my tendency to immediately examine everything I know about what is going on and immediately ascribe the most logical motivations to a character, with the author’s incompetence only coming in to play when a character acts inconsistent with my understanding of the character or the character begins acting outside the realm of human reaction and emotion, is ill-suited for the analysis of the Twilight series.

            • Moonshade Says:

              I’ve got a similar problem. I have a hard time seeing sucky works of fiction as being sucky because I instantly over analyze and come up with my own explanations for things. This is why it took me three books to realize that Twilight was just a bunch of crap.

            • At least you realized it before the series was finished.

              I was well into Postgame Twilight(as in, anticipating the movie release) before I went “….wait a minute!”

            • sociolinguist Says:

              This is not an individual character flaw in either of you, it’s an integral part of how human communication works. It’s called Grice’s Maxims.

              When we hear or read something that doesn’t give us all of the information our brains need in order to put it all together, we supply the missing parts ourselves. There was a movie character who was a few fries short of a Happy Meal, if you know what I mean, and he would go around saying completely meaningless little phrases to people, like “Flowers always bloom”; because of the way communication works, according to the Gricean maxims, people would hear his nonsense and give it meaning in their own heads. “Oh, flowers always bloom–fascinating! So true!”

              So, too, do we fill in our own meaning, our own character arcs, etc., when we read Twilight; whatever it takes to make it make sense. Other people here have had a hunch that this is why people like the protagonists so much–they fill in all the good and beautiful things for the good and beautiful people–and despise the antagonists–they fill in all the bad and ugly things for the bad and ugly people–even though we are never treated to a fully meaningful description of these characters. It’s a good hunch and I think it’s the whole point: Smeyer wrote a series of empty books full of dangerously undeveloped character vapor, quasi-moral fog, and emotional fumes, and we’re supposed to fill in the blanks. It’s addictive. It’s like a crossword puzzle, but you don’t need your higher brain functions to figure it out, just a spinal cord and an emotional response. Why do you think she sells so many books? How do you think she got the movie deals and tie-ins? It’s genius marketing; it’s a story that sells itself because it gives us the power to make up our own story in our heads.

              Great literature stimulates the imagination with thought-provoking depth; Twilight stimulates the imagination with emotional porn, mad-lib style. Fill in the blanks, get your rocks off. Just remember to pay the cashier on your way out.

  10. Oh god, I half expected a creepy smile to appear on his face as he twirls the engine in his hand. That is the point when any woman should scream and get the fuck out of there.

    How is it that twitards can’t see the creepiness of it all?!

  11. Wow. I had completely forgotten about that scene. Holy hell, I am actually really freaked now. My Creep-o-meter went off the charts.

    Thanks, Rachel, for doing this by the way, I’m making all of my friends read this–like a vaccination! I can’t wait to find out what happens in Breaking Dawn, from what I’ve gleaned it sounds pretty vile.

  12. I’m reminded invariably of a movie we watched in a class, called “Eye of God.” About a very creepy, controlling relationship that ends in the woman being murdered for rebelling against her husband, who starts off nice but soon reveals a sociopathic need to control her actions. I keep expecting these books to veer off into similar territory.

  13. Oh my God, somehow I completely forgot the truck thing was in this chapter. It’s like one of those moments in horror flicks where the hero suddenly realizes something has gone wrong (like the car doesn’t start–ahem) and you just *know* that the villain is waiting right. fucking. there. when they turn around.

  14. Oh, holy shit, the moment you started describing Edward in the truck? My mind immediately flipped to ‘horror movie visual’ mode, with Bella, wide-eyed and panicky trying to rev the engine again and again, while the camera slowly pans over to Edward… as he nonchalantly turns the piece of engine in his hands over and over. He’s looking at it, giving his speech with a false sense of airiness, sighing sympathetically at parts. By the time he gets to ‘anxious’, his voice as slowly degenerated into a barely-concealed quiet threat. His smile’s just a bit too broad, riding the distance between ‘grin’ and ‘sneer’. If he actually had any fangs, it would display them perfectly.

    It totally gave me inspiration for a story, too. xD

    As everybody else mentioned, Edward was terrifyingly possessive here. The ellipsis before ‘anxious’ would be PERFECT for a novel with a bent towards horror, and if that was the genre of the books, I’d instead be hailing Smeyer as a fantastic writer. I’ve never read past New Moon… but reading this? It makes me sad for everyone who cherishes the books. o.O

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Strange. I pictured it more as a comedy considering everyone’s reactions. Edward holding up the engine looking exasperated. Bella giving a look that is equally exasperated and then starts yelling at him about putting the engine back and he better know how to fix it or she’s sending him the bill which he better pay otherwise she’ll shine a flashlight at him at school and out him as a man who wears body glitter. Oh and he’s sleeping on the couch tonight. And then they both spontaneously explode. In glitter. But all that is out of Bella’s characters…

  15. Sometimes I think Smeyer MUST know what she’s writing… I mean, the Jacob comment about ‘controlling, abusive teenage relationships’ is just so close to the mark.

    But then, she writes things like ‘rainbow sparkles’ and I know she hasn’t got a clue.

    • Di-chan Says:

      You could always call those close moments of “knowing” when the publicist or whoever stepped in and decided to throw that tidbit in to remind readers that they are not reading a run-of-the-mill, badly written fanfiction from a delusional thirteen-year-old girl.

      No offense to anyone with that last comment but that is what this is starting to remind me of. Bad fanfiction.

      Wait… are we sure this isn’t written by a delusional teenager?

  16. >>Alice starts talking a mile a minute about how Edward shouldn’t have offered his services to Mike as a mechanic. … Edward is still better than the average person at auto mechanics.

    wait… was that foreshadowing?!?!?!!

    • RandomNinjaLOL Says:

      probably not – it’s probably just so she doesn’t get a bunch of “When did Edward learn how to be a mechanic” letters.

    • After a fashion. Probably thrown in there so people don’t think Edward just ripped it out of her car haphazardly before he mentions replacing it (then again, it might rock SMeyer’s world something awful if she ever considered that her readers might cast doubt on Edward’s actions). Also, it’s another chance to praise Edward, so yay for that. :s

    • For some reason all I read just then was

      >>Alice starts talking a mile a minute about how Edward shouldn’t have offered his services to Mike.

      Does anyone else find that kind of awkward? That’s what I read the first time I read the book, and was odly dissapointed that it wasn’t whatI thought it was. Which creeped me out almost as badly as the book did.

  17. Christine Says:


    Dude, I’ve been reading your re-caps for a while now because, holy GOD, I am searching out people who give reasonable arguments of WHAT is wrong with Twilight.

    This…? This whole “I will kill you before I let you leave me” type stalkering…?

    This takes the frackin’ cake.

    And we’re not even up to the baby-chewing-out book yet. =(

  18. I remember reading this chapter and wondering to myself why people thought Eddie was so wonderful. If he’d done that to me, I’d have told my dad, the cops, all my male relatives, and anyone within a ten mile radius what had happened and had someone else drive me to the werewolves, since they’d have the means to tear Eddie to bits. And I certainly would’ve kept the bloody window shut that night and not allowed the creep to come in. But then again, I’d have probably been freaked out back when we’d first met and never have let such a relationship progress…thus, why Edward obsessed fanatics really make very little sense to me. Sure, his beauty might be reemphasized in every other paragraph, but I have no idea what would make his treatment of Bella at all appealing. I guess if you like having your every move decided by someone else and having all of your flaws pointed out to you again and again, he’s a gem.

    Also, this is a bit off topic, but why is a guy who’s supposed to feel just like a cold rock so freaking appealing? I mean she tells us a million times per book how wonderful this manpire is but I’m still not buying the appeal of an ice cold rocky guy. I could go find a boulder to snuggle up against too, but I doubt it’d turn me on. Maybe if I drenched a statue of a Greek god with Axe body spray? Oh, that’s right, he’s “more beautiful than a Greek god,” and his smell couldn’t be recreated by humans, apparently. So I guess I just don’t understand his marvelousness.

    • Hallard Says:

      You calling him ‘Eddie’ made me think ‘Freddie’. Coincidence that his name can easily become the majority of a famous horror villain’s name, or does Smeyer really have a genius locked in there somewhere, struggling to break out of its sparkly cage so that it may write the amazing abuse novels we imagine?

    • Re: the cold skin-

      It occurs to me that they have sex at some point- considering Edward’s body temperature, that seems…. uncomfortable to say the least. But I’m sure Bella think’s it wonderful u__u

      • Serenity Says:

        Dear god….it would be like a chunk of ice being shoved into you. EW. That thought horrifies me to no end.

        • Yuck! That’s just unpleasant.

        • some folks are into popsicles.

        • Serenity Says:

          Actually, if you think about it, if he’s so cold, why aren’t her lips frozen to him, literally? SMeyer is always describing him as cold as ‘ice’ so the moisture on Bella’s lips should technically freeze her mouth to Edward’s.

          ….Having your lips frozen to a vampire forever….that would suck. (No puns intended.)

    • thank you, thank you, thank you. FINALLLY someone who agrees edward really isnt that hot at all. he’s a creeper, albino, and a rock. whats so amazing about that?

      • Exactly! And being that freaking pale certainly would counteract most of his other “hotness.” Also, why are honey/topaz/whatever color she uses at the moment to describe them eyes at all attractive? They’d just accentuate the albino skin. Don’t even get me started on the sparkles. Every time I try to picture him he comes off looking ridiculous. I don’t care how many times Stephenie reemphasizes how god-like he is. I ain’t buying it. I mean, I’ve had dreams before where I get a really strong impression that something is one way, and then, when I wake up later and think about it, I wonder what the heck I was thinking! This dream that Smeyer had was one of those bizarre, impressionable ones no doubt, but maybe it would have been better for us all had she come to her senses and realized how ridiculous it was!

        • totally agree, also how she goes ooooon and oooon about his sharp cheek bones, and strong jaw….seriously WHO CARES?? oh thats right the tons of horomonal teenage girls with no sense of what a attractive man is

          • Amen. If nice cheekbones and jaw, or any shallow feature for that matter, were really enough to make you almost freaking hyperventilate it would be a good idea to seek psychological help, in my opinion. Honestly, who really goes into hysterics like that over the way someone looks?

  19. This chapter is really creepy.

    If only this novel had been about a seemingly-perfect vampire battling with the two sides of himself, struggling in a relationship with a fairly weak-willed but (as she’s *supposed* to be) nice human girl, slowly breaking down and going all wrong because he wants to control her, and over the books she comes to realise what’s going on and tries to get out of it…if I knew it ended in either her death, her escape or with a sense of, you know, realism about the situation, it could be a brilliant series (if not greatly-written, at least the idea would be there)…

    But I know it’s supposed to be a romance and…that’s scary…

  20. O.O

    I…had completely forgotten about this part. And now I am incredibly creeped out. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds, but Edward is seriously bordering on serial killer here.

    Now excuse me while I gather my sundry knives close and grab one of my dad’s guns. I feel the need for protection…

  21. You’re doing a super job! I commend you for going through the Twilight Saga for me and it seems a great number of others, as well. I haven’t read the Twilight books and for that I am very glad.

    This chapter left me frightened for all of the middle school girls reading it and getting it in their heads that this kind of abuse and behavior is okay in potential boyfriends. It makes me even more frightened for my best friend, who is older than I am (I’m 19) and actually found herself a boyfriend like Edward and even calls him “her Edward.” I’m going to go have a very serious conversation with her…

    • Um, ew!

      I can’t understand how things like this aren’t immediately apparent to women. Younger girls who don’t have a lot of world experience, I can understand. But a grown-ass woman? I just don’t get it.

      Yeah, it seriously worries me that teenagers are being fed this crap. Girls are going to think it’s romantic to be treated this way, and guys are going to think it’s okay to obsess over and control their girlfriends.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        uhm there is this girl that my sister works with (not sure how old she is) but she is dating this guy who was in my grade in high school, but he sort of dropped out or failed or something. Everyone calls him Ed but apparently she always calls him Edward. GAG.

  22. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    As I was reading, I started feeling sick. I’m really really hoping that it turns out Bella is telling her story to a very unfortunate psychologist in an asylum somewhere.

    • Do you ind if I take that idea? I feel like developing it, maybe then my sister will get it through her head that that crap is really, really twisted.

  23. Andrew Acelister Says:

    It seems everyone who read this chapter, has forgotten it. I wonder why… When does Buffy appear in this thing? :P

    • If I had my way, about page 2 of Twilight.

    • I’ve pretty much forgotten everything that happens in Eclipse. Because Eclipse is really just the culmination of the *plot* in the last few chapters of both Twilight and New Moon. Nothing. Happens. And therefore it is forgettable.

      That, and the literary atrocities must be blocked from memory.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      Oh, didn’t you know? Buffy stakes Edward in book one.

      The rest of the books is just Bella hallucinating from grief while she’s locked up in the loony bin.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      After the end of the series. Then she stops by and stakes SMeyer’s computer. She’s probably break her hand too, but the censors would never allow that.

  24. Katie Cole Says:

    “Given that Edward has “done the Dartmouth route” already, I’m not even really sure why he’s bothering with high school at this point.”

    I still don’t understand how people can’t figure out that they have been doing this for years. Doesn’t anyone look up names or documents or anything? How does Carlilse remain a doctor? You would think that they would have to change their names or something, but apparently nobody seems to notice.

    • I doubt they always go by ‘Cullen’ and ‘Hale’, or that they are always together.

      In the last book, Jasper has a guy who forges documents, so it seems like they do make a few changes every so often.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        oh yes, that’s right I remember now. I only read that book once and then tried to block it out as much as I could, which is why I didn’t realize it before.

  25. LauWren Says:

    How do people forget this scene? It is the first show of something that is, with no possible argument otherwise, controlling. When Edward was holding her back from Jacob? ‘Oh, but he was just SOO worried that he didn’t know what else to do. <3' But this…this is the sort of thing a six-year-old would think was controlling. And think about how much control a six-year-old has in his or her own life.

    Bella Swan (for those of you who didn't get the Ugly Duckling reference, there it is) is, at this point, being actively isolated by Edward. In a threatening fashion. By dismantling something she owns, in fact, by the look of it, the only major thing she does. The scary thing? I've explained this to some of my classmates who are into Twilight. They either say I'm lying (Edward would never do that!) or look down carefully in a way that reminds me of what I would do when I was in a mildly abusive relationship and someone said that something he had done counted as abuse. That. Is. Scary.

    • probably as a psychological defense mechanism to preserve their glowing ideal manpire. Because seriously, you’d have to be ten kinds of challenged to not recognize that truck scene as a red flag. But if I’m right, then twitards are exhibiting the same behavior as Bella. that’s the really scary part-it’s almost like they’re being abused right along with her and there’s no saving them from this ‘relationship’.

    • Moonshade Says:

      But in a way, they ARE in a relationship with Edward. Bella is the fans’ substitute in the books. These girls are so obsessed with the idea of a guy who thinks of nothing but them every waking moment, who actively tries to protect them and buy them pretty shiny stuff, who calls them pretty and has a family that adores this imaginary girlfriend, that they’re willing to overlook everything else. They know– some part of them knows– that he’s abusive. But they don’t care, because in their minds it’s better than being alone.

  26. Rachel H. Says:

    has anyone ever been here? it’s funny stuff :)
    goes right along with what is being written here (although not quite as wonderfully eloquent!)

    The bad thing is, one of my best friends loves Twilight and I quote, she loves Bella’s “character development” and she thinks Breaking Dawn is “an awe inspiring love story.”
    I feel bad bringing this stuff up to her, but I’m worried! She’s in flipping medical school, she’s not an idiot… perhaps I should just give her this link or something

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      One of my friend’s little sisters absolutely adores the Twilight series and fervently exclaimed that Breaking Dawn is the best book ever written.

      This kid is a freakin’ genius. She’s smarter than I am, and she’s still in junior high while I’m half way through college.

      Proving, once again, that no matter how smart you are, you can still be pretty stupid.

    • i symathize man. my friend is really into twilight and is the same way about breaking dawn, i want to break it to her slowly of what an awful book this is but…*sigh* she’s just so into it its sorta scary

  27. Keyaroscuro Says:

    I felt myself die a little inside at this chapter. Well, a little more than usual, anyway. How do people not see this? How can so many be duped into believing that this is a romance?

    Oh right, it’s because they’re all idiots.

  28. Chelcie Says:

    I am going to have to admit I am a Twilight fan. (Obsessed enough to go to the midnight showing last November along with tell everyone I know that they should read it.) Now I am not stupid, this book is as horrible and ridiculous as everyone says it is (the movie is worse) and your assessments of it is exactly right, but for me it is more fun reading it and knowing that is absolutely the DUMBEST thing you have ever read and going along with all the craziness. I love Bella and Edward, but most of the time I want to smack both of them in the face for their stupidity. (Bella is a drama queen who never stands up for herself and Edward is an ass) but they are entertaining idiots.

    In short, your blog is quite funny, I count myself as a fan and don’t actually find this offending (just the stuff about how bad a writer Stephenie Meyer is…she isn’t horrible – of course she isn’t anything like Jane Austen or even Shakespeare, but really who is?) you and all your followers are what helps make this such a good book – something people can both love and hate with both sides showing their pride (although the fan side is a 11.5 on the creep-o-meter). Thank you for making me laugh. I was quite entertained.

    • Moonshade Says:

      First of all, I love you in a totally non-creepy platonic way.

      It’s awesome to see a sober, sane person genuinely enjoying something despite (or because of) its flaws, all the while acknowledging that they actually exist. You’ve got guts, my friend, and I can’t help but support that.

      I’m going to argue with you on one point here:

      Stephenie Meyer is, if not a horrible writer, a bad one. I quote: ‘Aro laughed. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled’.

      She’s definitely got some potential, as characters such as Alice and Aro demonstrate. I think she’d actually have crossed into ‘good’ territory if she’d spent some time actually writing before she got published. is a great place to vent your fantasies. is an even better place for original thought. And once she’d gotten over the fangasm that is Edward, she might have devoted herself to better stories. Or at least made this one more palatable and less… creepy.

      • Quotes aside, if you think of her with her contemporaries, she doesn’t really come close. If you think of Rowling, who has a hugely popular series as well (I don’t like the books myself but she is a good writer), they are in two different places.

        Lois Lowry, Avi, or Eoin Colfer all are on a different wavelength then Smeyer. I don’t think anyone should want her to be like an author of amazing literature, but when you compare her to people she should be on the same level as, she’s just not.

    • Christina Says:

      =o I think it’s awesome that you like the series because of it’s flaws and that you happen to like the characters.

      But, I do have to agree with Moonshade, SMeyer is a bad writer. I don’t have the books, so I can’t pull direct quotes but there are a lot of sentences that basically repeat what’s been said in the previous sentence.

      For example:

      He was shocked. He stared at me in disbelief.

      (I think I got those sentences right.)

      This was my biggest memory of the book. She doesn’t need the “He was shocked.”

      Also, she doesn’t really describe things very well unless it’s the oh-so-beautiful-and-marble-like Edward.

      If she fine tuned her writing and got a dictionary instead of just abusing a thesaurus than I wouldn’t think she was so bad.

    • Chelcie Says:

      Ok I didn’t mean that she was the greatest writer, I just don’t thinks he is horrible. You are all right, compared to a lot of writers she sucks, but she entertains me and that he her job, so with that in mind I see her as an okay writer.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        She’s not a great writer at all. But her writing has a way to get you addicted to it, which would work wonders with other stories if she would just stop with the jarring terrors that she calls character development and plot.

        Her writing is addicting. It sucks you in, despite being so terrible in so many places.

        I guess her writing is kind of like a drug. It’s bad for you but you just can’t help it.

        • Keyaroscuro Says:

          Oh, and that doesn’t mean that I made it through the series.

          I made it to the first page of Chapter 13 of Twilight and just about choked to death laughing. For the sake of my own life, I’ll never read the books again.

      • When I think of Smeyer I think of ‘Manos: Hands of Fate.’ It is quite literally the worst movie ever made (it makes Plan 9 look oscar worthy), but I giggle like a school girl every time I watch it. It entertains me to no end, but not ever in the way that the filmmakers intended.

        LeT mE jUsT gEt YoUr CoMpLeMeNtArY CrAzY bReAd…

  29. I`m guessing that people naturally called “Edward” are cursing their days now….especially the teenagers. Poor guys.

    Also, is this chapter presenting actual events instead of a dull narration about casual stuff like “I had dinner with my friends and then I went ot bed”? Is something actually happening in one of these books? O.o

  30. Forsakentale Says:

    Oh my god. I can’t believe someone wrote this, then another crazy dude accepted this, then this trash got published and people actually think this is the freaking climax of modern literature. WTF!
    I can only think SMeyer had a REALLY messed up life to think this is the awesomeness of ~*tr00 wuv*~ Who the fuck likes to be stalked and thinks her creepy boyfriend is the best sparkly thing in the world? I think Bella suffers from Stockholm Syndrome….

  31. Christina Says:

    Goodgod, that’s creepy.
    If the series was written as a suspense thriller with Edward as a purposeful psychopath, I’d be in love with this scene. I’d be on the edge of my seat wondering “Holycrapola, is he going to torture her with car parts?”

    But, of course that’s not how it’s written.

    I told my dad about this scene, especially the part where she opens the window at the end. My dad goes “…Maybe she just forgot?”

    I read it to him and he rolled his eyes. XD

  32. ….


    That truck dismantling monologue was quite frightening out of context. Seriously, if I were sitting in my living room like I am and it was dark outside and I had read that, I’d probably be running up the stairs to bury myself in my parents’ bed, especially since I’m already a bit paranoid about being the victim of a crime. @.@

    I can’t imagine how Smeyer can write such things, especially since she thinks that Bella and Edward are “in love” and “bonded” and “soul mates”and all that crap. I’d really like to interview her myself so I can at least attempt to understand how she thinks when she’s writing this.

  33. On a completely unrelated note, after reading this recap and the astonishing creeposity that Cedward exhibits, his voice sounds like Heath Ledger’s Joker in my head.
    It’s seriously upsetting.

  34. Wow. I don’t know who it was, but someone posted this link on Rachel’s post about not talking smack about Mormons:

    “The people who hate it and bash it, have personal issues, in general, and I don’t need to even get sucked into conversation with them.”

    That was a lovely quote from someone named “Natalie” on that site. Hear that, everyone? We have personal issues. I think with such moving comments such as hers, we should just pack our bags and leave this blog forever. Or we could, you know, continue bashing and ignore her and the 22 other posters. I think having personal issues excuses us from stopping, dontcha think?

    • Oh yes. It also gives us special privledges, such as having a life and a personality. We’re so crippled.

      I’d rather have ‘personal issues’ than be TWIMOM who actually posts on a ‘How do you handle twilight hate’ blog or newspost or whatever that was. You know how to handle twilight hate? Just let it go.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Same way you’re supposed to handle anyone who disagrees with you, really. Unless it’s the opinion of most people and it threatens your normalcy.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      I think there’s a word for what Twilight has done to these people…

      Oh yeah, it’s called brainwashing.

      I mean, if they even had a brain to speak of to begin with.


    • That was me! I’m glad someone else clicked on my link so you could revel in Twimom stupidity with me. These women…there are no words. I’ve heard tell from the Anti Twilight Lexicon….well I’ll just quote it: “Rabid Twi-Moms can be more scary the fangirls, some have been known to forget to pick up their children because they’re chatting away on

      There have also been accounts of forums for Twi-Moms dreaming of taking Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner’s (Jacob) virginity. Rob we can shudder and understand, but Taylor’s like 15/16.

      Also, this video shows Twi-Moms asking Taylor (who I don’t think was seen in the vid) and Rob if they wear boxers/briefs/or nothing. Talk about twisted.”

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Eww… They’re TwiMOMS! They have children and (I’m assuming) married! Or previously married! At the very least were in a relationship once! (If that last one is the case, it might explain their infatuation to a man who does not respect privacy… Moreover, what guarantee do we have that Rob and Taylor are virgins? Kids are doing it younger and younger these days and it makes me sad for humanity…) If those particular twimoms got most of their kids as a result of one night stands though, it explains a great deal…

        • Yeah, I went to that website (Twilightmoms) just for kicks and giggles and was seriously disturbed. Honestly, I think maybe even Smeyer might be a little weirded out.

          • M. Fruvus Says:

            I went to that … that website and now all i can think is “ohgodohgodohgod what has happened to all the grown-ups?”

  35. wow. Twilight. Glorifing an abusive relationship as true love. wow.

  36. This is a bit of a late comment, but I feel like this needs pointing out. Bella drives a truck. Moreover than this, it is an older truck. Now, going by the model of truck that they use in the movie, it is a six cylinder 3.9 liter engine. And even IF that isn’t really the right kind of truck, it will still be either a v6 or a v8 engine. These things are frickin’ HUGE. Eddie baby should barely be able to fit it into the cab of that truck let alone maneuver it while in there. Dimensional anomaly much?

  37. Alice starts to have a vision in the middle of a conversation. The fact that Alice just completely checks out for minutes at a time doesn’t seem to bother the mortals in the least. Alice just says she was “daydreaming…” All the ‘mortals’ at the table assume she’s just doing some sort of drugs/on medication.

    And you know Edward totally screwed up her Maserati at one point.

    “But, clearly, you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf.” Manipulative asswipe!

    Good GOD, he is a creeper!

    My brother was watching the Angel episode “I Fall to Pieces” the other night. It’s about a sociopathic (magical) stalker. VERY similar speeches!

  38. I read an interview with SMeyer where she says her husband sold her car without telling her. For reals. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

  39. zomg, can I just say, as an author who writes for this age group… if my male lead ever said any of these things to my main character, she would (1) tell him he was a psycho, (2) kick him out of her house, and (3) call the police?

    “You’re too much of a coward” — ?!?!?!?!?!

    Like, for reals?

  40. Shadowrunner240 Says:

    Dude… That part just gave me idea… great…

    Anyways, I remember getting that creepy feeling whenever I read it, but then, after the chapter ended, it sadly reminded me that it was part of the Twilight Saga :/

    Darn you Smeyer… darn you, you’ve ruined the whole “Vampires VS Werewolf” concept… I haven’t touched a vampire/werewolf book since.

  41. you know, the actually scary thing about this is that while Rachel enlightens the brainwashed among us on how edward’s behavior is really creepy when you actually think about it, Meyer wrote this freak-out loony ‘book’ actually thinking it was romantic. she believes that malipulative, threatening, controlling being-a-jerk-ism is romantic!!!!! i pity her daughters (if she has any)

  42. I am just WAITING for SMeyer to let us know that Mike “Nothing Wrong With Him” Newton is actually a mermaid in disguise (yes, I mean “maid”; there’s gotta be SOMETHING wrong with him, or perfect Bella would have spent a paragraph talking about how insignificant he is…wait…]. He’s actually living in Seattle where it is cloudy and rainy so the sun doesn’t dry out his delicate mermaid skin.

  43. @”He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.”

    Spoiled is right. Spoiled for normal relationships with normal people

  44. I would have hit him with the bit of the engine that he had pulled out.

    And then ran.

    Far far FAR away.

    But our dear Bella is far too pathetic and stupid to actually think “maybe I should keep him out of my room for a night, and then he’ll learn (maybe) that he can’t control me”.

    Of course he wouldn’t learn…but still.

    I think the end of this chapter made me angrier than I’ve ever been at two book characters. And I’ve read a LOT of books, which have decidedly evil characters.

    *headdesk x infinity*

  45. “She is sneaking to La Push to see her friend. She has to sneak to avoid her boyfriend’s wrath. Why do Twilight fans not see the problem with this?” Because they’re retards, content to accept what they’re told to blindly. And because a lot of people have no taste whatsoever in partners and Twilight’s popularity just illustrates this perfectly.

  46. When my sister, her friend, and I talk about twilight this is one of our favorite things. He takes the freaking engine of her car. That is some scary shit. That is when you start screaming, shut (and lock) all windows and doors, tell the cops, move, and change your name to… Sarah or something. Abuse is not love chica and that, that was abuse.

  47. abisoose Says:

    Wow, this is getting funnier and creepier at the same time. If some man was taking parts of my car out, messing with them in a creepy and threating way just because I was going to see a friend, I’d get me a shot gun and stok up on silver bullets! lol

  48. Kayla M Says:

    What the hell is wrong with Edward. I used to OBSESS over the series, but now… hell to the no. God. This book is horirble.

  49. Het Bamonster Says:

    Rachel, you’re absolutely brilliant. This must be the funniest I’ve read in ages, even more so because it’s all true!

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