Chapter Four

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward is not in this chapter. However, in spite of this, he maintains a steady 6.

I don’t want you guys to think I’m copping out on recapping this crap, but I am being completely honest with you when I say that nothing happens in this chapter.

I will itemize it for you:

  1. Edward is out hunting, so Bella is ever so lonely.
  2. Bella goes to work. They tell her they don’t need her today.
  3. Bella drives to La Push.
  4. Bella and Jacob talk about vampires.
  5. THE END.

I’m not sure how this counted as a full chapter. I also am not sure what Bella’s work schedule is supposed to be like. Does she only work on Saturdays? Or as the plot dictates?

Jacob is super bitter and angry, and takes pot shots at vampires every chance he gets. Bella gets all angry with him for making fun of the Cullens because they are good to the core and she and Edward are in love because he is the most beautiful flawless selfless thoughtful considerate sensitive man who ever lived and she loves him more than Jesus so stop being such a minority Jacob!

Then Jacob’s chin starts to quiver and Bella is all “aww I can’t get mad at you.”

THAT IS THE ENTIRETY OF THIS CHAPTER. This chapter’s whole purpose is to show that Jacob is angry and bitter (like every sixteen year old in existence) and we’re not supposed to like him as much as Edward. Which sucks, because I still think Jacob is freaking rad. It’s about time somebody thought something negative about the Good To The Core Cullens.

Unfortunately, it is because he doesn’t like the Cullens that we are supposed to hate him. Christ.

If it weren’t for the fact that later in this book, Jacob kicks the dog by (spoiler, oh noes!) forcing himself on Bella, I would continue to like Jacob more. Edward is not a lover. Edward is a figure of authority, a warden, a control freak, who’s only excuse for the downright horrible things he does to Bella is “I love you and I want to protect you.” That is never a valid reason, ever. “I love you” is not a get out of jail free card. “I love you” is not an excuse, it is a simple statement of fact and affirmation of devotion. “I love her” won’t fly in court when the woman or her family finally press charges.

Jacob, on the other hand, encourages Bella. He challenges her. They do fun things together. They are stupid together. They are freaking human together, instead of this bizarre circus of emotional manipulation that is Bella and Edward’s relationship. But Jacob doesn’t like the sparkly, impossibly benevolent vampires, due to indoctrination, personal experience, and hard cold fact. As a result, we are expected to dislike and distrust him, because the Cullens are so clearly (unrealistically) good.

Unfortunately, popular theory states that Stephenie Meyer did, at some point, realize that Jacob was being far more likable than Edward. Hence why later he forces himself on Bella, and in general is completely out-of-character for the whole book. We could write it off as “character development,” but when did Stephenie Meyer ever make use of that?

Jacob is the victim of character assassination via his own author. When she realized her misaimed fandom actually thought Jacob was a better match than her startlingly perfect main character, she did her best to make Jacob seem as slimy and hateful as possible.

Only to give him the consolation prize in the last book, because immaculately happy endings are not at all boring in the least.

You could say that the theory of the Death of the Author applies here, in a weird, juvenile sense. Stephenie tried her hardest to get us to interpret her texts as thus: Edward is perfect and thus the perfect mate; Jacob dislikes Edward and is thus imperfect and far inferior to him by simple fact of choosing to find him monstrous. However, there are still (still) cores of the fandom that insist Jacob was the better match, largely for the reasons I state above. There are also cores of the fandom who, desperate to find some merit in this series (maybe because they don’t want to admit they wasted all those hours of their lives reading this drivel), find unusual and at times brilliant interpretations of the story and characters, interpretations that I can 100% guarantee Meyer herself never actually intended.

Can you say this is the Death of the Author when the author herself was incompetent, at best? Can you really claim Meyer’s interpretation of her work is even as valid as her fans’, when she herself has no right clue how to tell a story, or build a believable setting, or create a fully-fleshed character?

Basically, what I’m saying is that if this chapter had something worthwhile in it, you guys wouldn’t have to read my pseudo-intellectual crap instead of a recap.

One more reason to hate Smeyer.

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198 Responses to “Chapter Four”

  1. I think since Edwardo is the vampire of SMeyer’s dreams (quite literally), she felt by creating Jacob she was creating a somewhat villain of their love. But she didn’t understand that just because he got in the way of the Bella Edwardo love it didn’t automatically make him a villain in the eyes of the readers, and she had to show the readers that he was in fact supposed to be evil by having him kick the dog.

    • This made me laugh, if you take a quiz on facebook, and it says that you are any of the characters from Twilight, anyone would die a little on the inside right?

      • ROFL

        “I’m Bella Swan. Squee!”

        That gave me a much-needed laugh.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Depends on the character. If I were Victoria for example, I’d be all like “YES! I’M THE KIND OF PERSON WHO COULD GET STUFF DONE WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING! GO ME!”

        • Di-chan Says:

          Even better, can actually see Victoria’s description as this:

          You are VICTORIA. You lurk in the forest and shadows, you say nothing, and you are evil because you get other people to do all the work while your lurk. If you hate Twilight, you are also the character spared from Smeyer’s ‘character development’ and ‘character rape’ since you basically have no character.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            Hey, better to have no character and very little appearances than no character, yet being the freaking main character.

  2. Man, it must be really boring if you not only had to make a new tag, but break out the TvTropes for further reading because there is absolutely nothing here.

    And, I know you’ve gotten such comments before, but thank you for your scathing commentary. I’ve incorporated this blog into my daily forays into the depths of the Internet. As much as they entertain me, every now and then I come to the re-realization that these books exist and people READ them. Sure, you’re recapping a book, I get that, but sometimes you put up a post so profound that I have to wonder for the text behind the text.

    This is one of those cases.

    It just… boggles my mind that not only is this book out there, it’s also POPULAR. And nothing happens?

    I, myself, have wondered a bit why such mundane activities are often left out of books e.g. eating, sleeping, etc. It’s because (most of the time) they’re boring, and authors are just making sure of Conservation of Detail applies.

    Rambling aside, I just want to say “thanks” for giving those of us who couldn’t get past the first few pages of Twilight a taste of the mundanity and confusion. Your blog is not only informative (to me), but I love your voice in every post. It makes me want to be a writer, so that such drivel is not only replaced, but completely buried and forgotten, by a flood of at least palatable (if not good!) books.

    THANK YOU, RACHEL. <3

    • *SALUTE*

      JUST DOING MY DUTY, CITIZEN.

      If this blog convinces would-be-writers to get their work out there and try to get published, too, then I say I’ve done a great service. I doubt very much that even 25% of us could write something worse than this series.

    • Clementine Says:

      Just an add-on to what you said about the detail – just because an author covers the little things a character does, like eating, going to the bathroom, etc., does NOT mean it has to be boring. SMeyer is just an awful author. Take Ulysses, for example. Joyce narrates every single thing that Bloom does in one day – his meals, his thoughts, his masturbation. And it is (extremely difficult to read BUT) not boring. At all. It is fascinating. But comparing SMeyer to James Joyce is cruel, I guess. And none of her characters would EVER masturbate, EVER.

      The point is, detail isn’t boring. Stephanie Meyer is boring.

    • Clementine Says:

      Just an add-on to what you said about the detail – just because an author covers the little things a character does, like eating, going to the bathroom, etc., does NOT mean it has to be boring. SMeyer is just an awful author. Take Ulysses, for example. Joyce narrates every single thing that Bloom does in one day – his meals, his thoughts, his masturbation. And it is (extremely difficult to read BUT) not boring. At all. It is fascinating. But comparing SMeyer to James Joyce is cruel, I guess. And none of her characters would EVER masturbate, EVER.

      The point is, detail isn’t boring. Stephenie Meyer is boring.

    • Moonshade Says:

      “I, myself, have wondered a bit why such mundane activities are often left out of books e.g. eating, sleeping, etc. It’s because (most of the time) they’re boring, and authors are just making sure of Conservation of Detail applies.”

      I am determined to believe that Smeyer was attempting to copy Rowling. My reasoning:

      The Harry Potter books are completely saturated with mundane details. They go to class, they go shopping, they do homework. This is part of the reason only about a quarter of my students have ever finished reading the series.

      The thing is that Rowling had good characters, and a lot of them (I’m thinking the number approaches one hundred, if not more). And almost every last one of them got a complete story arc, resulting in major character development. Even the dead guys. Even the mother of the school bully. Even Especially the poor loser nobody kid who kept getting beat up for the first few books and turned into a complete BAMF by the end of book seven. The thing is that every one of those mundane scenes was important to the development of at least one character, and typically several of them at once. For those who weren’t fans of Harry himself, they could fangirl over the minor character of their choosing.

      What do we get with Smeyer? Barely a dozen characters TOTAL have so much as a backstory, and even those are vague, poorly detailed and not at all expanded upon. There is no such thing as a dynamic character (unless you count Bella’s transformation from clumsy to vampirely, and Rosalie’s transformation from I HATE BELLA to Baby’s bodyguard. There. Two. I challenge you to come up with more).

      Because it’s All About Bella, the mundane scenes are All About Bella, too. There simply isn’t anything else to cram in there, except more purple prose of how BEAUTIFUL he is and how I DON’T DESERVE HIM and I’M SO SAD MY BEST FRIEND IS MY ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND’S MORTAL ENEMY!

      Please. Somebody. Shoot her. Shoot her now.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Woooooaaaaaaah.

        Long post. Sorry about the wall of text. It’s been burdening my mind for a while.

        • Don’t apologize! That was very well written and said a lot of what I’ve been thinking. Way to steal my thoughts :(

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        It’s not just that. They were mundane everyday details, but those of a different culture so to speak. For example, we may not want to hear about the everyday life of your neighbor’s high school kid, but what about a kid the same age in a different country like India? The thing about Harry Potter was that everything had a hint of magic in it. Sure they would talk about shopping, but how many stores sell things like sherbet balls that make you hover? The subjects in their school are obviously not available in a normal school and it was mostly stuff Rowling made up. Therefore, it was stuff we didn’t know about already and was interesting. It gave us a window into a different world. Moreover, it felt like it didn’t linger too long on one mundane thing at a time. Homework was mentioned and complained about, but it was typically just a background element to emphasize that they had greater worries than mere homework. But Twilight doesn’t offer any of that. Sure we got vampires and werewolves (the fact that the werewolves are Native American is part of the reason why they are more interesting than everyone else. We get a window into a different culture here), but most of the focus is on the everyday life of a normal, bland, and not very well thought out teenager (and her vampire boyfriend). This series would probably be a lot more interesting if we learned more about werewolf culture and even vampire culture. So far, all we learned about the vampires is that they sparkle, drink blood, like baseball (their SPECIAL baseball), Carlisle’s definition of saving people is rather twisted, and that there’s a Volturi in Italy. While that certainly sounds like a long list, I still find that it’s lacking something crucial.

      • Bravo with the Potter reference. I commnd you. :D

        And, actually, my sister and I were tlking about this on the way home from Half Blood Prince yesterday, how the reason tha they’re better books than movies is because every character, dead or alive, has a STORY. A story with a family, or no family, friends or no friends. It makes you think about them as characters, because there’s really no way to avoid it.

        Unlike SMeyer’s, because they’re really not characters, so they can’t have extensive backstories. The most we get is a ten pager describing Carlisle. That’s IT.

  3. Oh, wow. That was excedingly BORING.

    And screw Team Jacob, screw team Edward. I say go Team Alice.

    • What about Team Volvopire?

      I miss that car. We don’t hear enough about it.

    • *raises hand* I vote Team Alice, too. Since I read BD, I’ve suspected that Bella was just a crush, Jacob really has feelings for Rosalie, and only uses Bella as an excuse to stick around. He also only offers to take care of Baby-Sue to impress Rose, not because of any imprinting shit.

      • when you think about it Rosealie and Jacob would be like perfect together. both like cars, both have short tempers, both are vaugely arrogant. huh wow never considered this stuff…

    • Heh. What makes them think Jacob or Edward would consider them eligible for their team?

  4. Just goes to show… When you have nothing to write about, just write crap and your fans will eat it up.

    Character rape. That’s what happened to Jacob. SMeyer kills her own creation. As long as they are not sparkly, all perfect vampires or would-be-a-perfect-vampire-soon, she kills them.

    These books are basically wet dreams of smeyer’s gone wrong. Or gone right. For her.

    Forgive my incoherency, I’m greatly lacking in sleep.

  5. I’d just like to state that in my own version of this crap (the series, that is; not these amazing recaps) Edward is always called Edwardo, and wears a sombrero and creepy mustache that is obviously fake and perhaps made out of yarn.

    Keeps things interesting when nothing actually happens in the book. In this chapter, Edwardo was shopping for a newer, sparkling sombrero.

  6. You forgot an important detail.

    Bella has to drive to La Push on a whim because Eddy has his sister spying on her, and Eddy will not let his girl visit her best friend.
    Controlling who your significant other talks to is a gesture of true love. Really.

    • Right, there was more of the same creepy controlling behavior. Bella had to go on a split decision so Alice wouldn’t See it coming. She makes comments throughout her inner monologue as she’s with Jacob to the effect of not knowing or expecting just how angry Edward is going to be when she gets back.

      But he loves her.

  7. Dr. Pop Says:

    As much as I love your scathing commentary, trying to reason out deeper meanings in Twilight is like trying to claim that there is nutritional merit in cotton candy. With that out of the way, I can now say that I admire you for being able to bring something worthwhile out of the Twilight series. This blog is some consolation for the rage I feel at Smeyer ever getting a publishing contract while tons of my favorite authors pretty much toil in obscurity.

  8. The more I read about the Twilight series, the more I just feel bad for Smeyer. I mean, the woman is so deluded in her mind that she truly believes that Edward is the literary representation of the perfect mate, and that Bella, in turn, represents the ideal girlfriend. Since Bella is supposed to be representative of Smeyer, it makes me fear for what the woman’s own relationship with her husband must be like.

    • *sigh deeply* i know, it makes me sad how completley….dumb (for lack of a better word) smeyer is. is this what she wants in a man? is this really how she thinks girls should act?

  9. whoa… I totally got lost in TVtropes for like three HOURS just now… >_>

    haha.. I’m not clicking on any more of your links. lol. I’m just going to trust you so I don’t lose any more time. ^_^

  10. My Gods, if I was still doing my degree, I would have used this book in my ‘death of the author’ essay, it would have been wonderful to discuss.

    A good author doesn’t take your hand and drag you to their conclusions, they try to leave it open for you to make up your own mind, something Ms Meyer must have missed when she did her own degree. I think she skipped a few important lectures on theory.

  11. Katie Cole Says:

    I clicked on that link you posted, to see if Twilight is on there (haven’t seen it yet) and I found this little bit-

    “Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights has Heathcliff actually hang his future wife Isabella’s puppy. Right in front of her. Then he tells her he’d like to destroy anything and everything she loves. She marries him anyway.”

    wow. I never read that book before, but you know who has? Bella. And see the name there? Isabella. And Bella likes Jacob. Who is a werewolf. Wolves are basically dogs only wild. Dogs grow up from puppies, Heathcliff hanged Isabella’s, so that means Edward will hang Jacob, because he wants to destroy their relationship. To protect her of course. And she marries him anyways.

    Coincidence? No, SMeyer says it was inspiration for her. What a fruitcake. A bad,bad fruitcake.

    • This is a little bit off topic, but I did read recently on a science blog that wolves and dogs may not be directly connected, but share a common ancestor: http://darrennaish.blogspot.com/2006/10/controversial-origins-of-domestic-dog.html

      I read way too many science blogs so this may be less ‘interesting,’ and more ‘nerdy.’

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      I nearly died when I heard she chose literary classics as rip-off fodder inspiration. I mean, it’s bad enough that she cranks out this abomination and manages to get it published, but does she really have to drag Austen, Shakespeare, and the Bronte sisters down with her?
      I love Pride and Prejudice and I am hard pressed to find any relevant similarities between it and “Twilight.” And no, Edward being a dick does not count because we’re not supposed to see that as a character flaw; Mr. Darcy, and Ms. Bennett both had serious character flaws and that’s why they were engaging. Edward, on the other hand, remains a dick.
      I will admit that Romeo and Juliet is one of my least favorite plays, but it still doesn’t deserve the curse of “Whichever-the-hell-book-came-after-Twilight.” Part of my dislike for Romeo and Juliet is that I had to read it in high school where the main focus of our class discussions was on the supposed romance. IT’S NOT A GODDAMN ROMANCE. They both DIE. There is nothing romantic about eternally ROTTING together. It’s a bloody tragedy. I hate Romeo and I hate Juliet for even listening to Romeo. The only good characters in the play were Benvolio and Mercutio and one of them get’s KILLED because of Romeo. . . . Wait. . . smeyer, right. Smeyer doesn’t seem to be able to get over the “it’s sooooo romantic” view of the play. And again, the only similarities are superficial; Bella and Edward both think the other is dead at some point and don’t want to face life without the other (GAG). . . that and some of it took place in Italy. All the voices of reason that appeared in the play to let the audience see how stupid the couple was acting were absent in the book thus removing the drama and the irony from the story. Smeyer has succeeded in taking something I hate already and turning it into something I hate even more.
      I haven’t read Wuthering Heights so I can’t comment on what Smeyer has done, but I’m sure its reprehensible at best.

      tl;dr: Smeyer is a moron who shouldn’t be allowed within 100 yards of decent literature, lest she decides she likes it and proceeds to rape it.

      • Softspoken Says:

        I think I retro-actively enjoy Romeo & Juliet because it is about love… It’s also about death. I like to think they loved eachother, but just didn’t realize how huge the barriers between them were. They didn’t realize how much hate was between the two of them (via their families) and how that would have to be overcome first. They didn’t see that sneaking around behind everyone’s back was just as likely to blow up in their own faces…

        You’re right, Romeo and Juliet isn’t a love story. It’s a story about two people who think they’re in a love story, but reality and hate intervened.

        I think. Obviously I could be very wrong.

        • Hmm, that explains why it’s a tragedy and not romance. :l

          besides the obvious fact that everyone dies…

        • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

          Hell. I could be wrong. I think the better thing for me to have said is that it’s not just a love story. There is no way you could ignore the romantic aspects of the play. Smyere, however, has ignored everything but the romance.

          . . . That and I’m just bitter ’cause Mercutio was my favorite character.

          • Moonshade Says:

            I believe in some renditions Merc is cast as the lead. But I may have heard wrong.

            As far as I can tell, R&J is not so much a love story as it is a “OMG teenagers are idiots please control your children before they get themselves killed” story. At least, that’s what I got out of it.

            But then, if Smeyer and Taylor Swift (forgive me any fans) are an indication, it’s become vogue to just watch the Wishbone version of classic literature and talk about it like you’re an English professor.

            • Wishbooooone! *flail*

              I loved that show, back when it was new. But people who watch it and think they know the story from the doggie notes version? That’s sad.

            • Softspoken Says:

              Actually, I found Taylor Swift’s name drop of Romeo & Juliet in her song somewhat appropriate. At that point in the song, and at that point in the play, they like eachother, and are forbidden to be together. Granted, they end completely differently, but at that point the singer could be worried it will end badly, but not care, much like Juliet.

            • Moonshade Says:

              Possibly, if you interpret it that way. I’m still cringing at the use of “Scarlet Letter” in the song, though.

              It just doesn’t work if you’ve actually read the book.

          • Mercutio is freaking rad.

      • the fact that romeo and juliet is a tragedy is the reason i like it. But i also agree it’s not a love story, Romeo was desperate and Juliet (forgive my language) was a bit of a slut. Either way it’s a classic. Smeyer on the other hand shouldnt be allowed to say “Twilight” or “Classics” in the same sentence. Pride and Prejeduce also is a thick meaty story, where you get to know the characters inside and out, frontwards and backwards, then there is Twilight and all you get out of it is Bella=whiney, annoying, meshuggunah moron and Edward= amazingly shmexy, and uber hot and of course abusive and controling.

  12. okay who wants to hear my dilema?? okey dokey here it goes. On this one website i go on i said that i hated twilight and then i gave VERY valid reasons why i hated it and then this one girl starts debateing with me on the subject and this is the last thing she posted “Well then apparently I cannot read, because I have read all the books, and still don’t find where Bella is weak, Edward is controlling, and that it is poor writing. Now I’m done arguing, think what you want, I’ll think what I want.”
    what do i say to this? someone help me!!!

    • People are going to draw their own conclusions on the books. I might act like my interpretation is the only right one, but mostly that’s because I think I’m always right, lol.

      The fact is that you can’t really convince someone to see it from your side. If they’re willing to discuss it with an open mind, then that’s awesome! But don’t expect to be able to make them see it the way you do. Think of how you’d feel if she kept trying to convince you that the books are actually super romantic and awesome and you just don’t get it.

      • *sigh* i guess your right but im still really frustrated why can’t they just like…grow brains????

        • Moonshade Says:

          Use quoted text that Rachel uses. (Forgive me, madam Vampirely, ’tis the lazy way out).

          She put them here specifically because they’re such stellar examples of controlling behavior and bad writing.

    • Mistress Dizzy Says:

      You can’t force people to see something. Just let it go and save yourself the stress. Seriously. People can be notoriously… dumb.

    • Why don’t you ask her to prove with quotes from books that Bella is strong and Edward not-controlling?

      • Moonshade Says:

        Because it’ll be taken out of context. ANYTHING can be proven out of context. I would know.

        Edward leaving her will be construed as him being selfless and wants her to have her own life. Stealing her stuff will be casually omitted.

        Bella running away to Arizona in the first book will be portrayed as an act of selfless courage, despite the fact that she was just following orders the entire time. “But it takes courage to follow through with something like that!” she’ll say. Not if you lack brain and motivation outside of your controlling sweetheart.

        This is how (most) Twilighters think. This is why it makes sense to them.

        • this girl i was talking to said its “natural” for Edward to remove the engine out of her car because he hates Jacob!!!!!!!!!!! that was the only reason, and when i pointed out all the Cliché’s in twilight she claimed that this was the “plot”. maybey one of the most unitelligent person ive ever tried to prove wrong

          • Jealously removing someone’s ability to see their friends may, possibly, be regarded as natural, in the same sense that marking territory by pissing on things is natural. However, neither is the behavior of a civilised adult person, nor anyone with whom I would wish to be in a relationship.

  13. Hey Rachel- if it makes you feel any better, I know a few ridiculously hardcore fans who thought the end of the series was way to super perfect. I mean, these are the kind of girls who looked ready to punch me when I mentioned that I visited this site to read your recaps. But no kidding, one of them actually told me that she wanted one or two of the Cullens or their allies to die, and a few others agreed with her.

    • It’s funny to see stuff like that. I’m always fascinated when fans turn on the source material. The Harry Potter fandom had that when Hermione officially hooked up with Ron–so many fangirls lost their shit over the fact that Hermione didn’t fall in love with Harry and clearly Ms. Rowling had just written it wrong.

      On the one hand, I think it’s silly for people to get that emotionally invested in it. On the other, I approve of people loving a series to the point of defending it, but still being able to see its flaws. Because every creative work has them.

      Really, the most interesting conversations I’ve gotten into over Twilight have been with fans, if only because it’s harder to find people who dislike the series as much as I do but have actually sat down and read the whole thing enough to talk about it. Someone who loves the series but is willing to debate with me over “what the hell was Meyer thinking with ________” is an awesome person.

      • See, I didn’t mind the whole Hermione-Ron thing. What pissed me off in HP was how easily MoldyVoldy died. Seriously. He’s the big bad man for SEVEN BOOKS and he dies with ONE SPELL.

        …but we’re not here to rant on HP… :D

        • Well do keep in mind that the whole rest of the book was dedicated to collecting and destroying BITS of his SOUL. The real fail of the series, in my opinion, is “Hay youguise, I’m the Half-Blood Prince! Kthxbai!”

          But the series is brilliant, and I manage to love it while still having issues with its flaws. IT’S NOT HARD, TWITWATS.

          • Moonshade Says:

            Snape character development. Please see eons-long rant above.

            I personally wanted Harry to have died in that final duel, but the children would have flipped out if he had, so I can see why she didn’t.

            At least the last battle had some good deaths. (I am referring not to the endless body count, but to some of the really touching deaths)

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            My friend said that she could feel JK’s writing quality deteriorate due to deadline pressure and what not. She said many spots felt awfully rushed. I’m guessing that if JK was given as much time as she liked, it would have come out better.

            • Moonshade Says:

              I agree wholeheartedly. But with that many fans going rabid, and the fit they threw the first time a deadline was pushed back…

              Yipes. I don’t think she dared to try.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Yeah. If it isn’t the deadlines, it’s the impatient fans.

            • I remember the absolute fiasco of the fifth book’s release date. and then when it came out and I read it, I swore I could pinpoint almost the exact sentence where she spent the next six months staring at that little blinking black line.

      • …… never mind that Ron & Hermione had been a relationship Rowling was building since the first book. :P

        • Moonshade Says:

          Fans can be weird sometimes. I’ve seen several TV shows and stuff get completely derailed because the fans are so obsessed with their OTP. At least she stood up to them in a good way (Evil Harry and Hermione in the woods FTW) rather than completely butchering and raping her best character.

      • I’m LOVING all of the Harry Potter references! And that’s the same for me, and one of my best friends (who got me into this site, actually). We realize that the series is totally screwed up, buut love them anyway! Plus we see the flaws, and read these recaps. You can tell we appreciate good humor, too. :)

  14. Argh, why did you go and link me to TVTropes? I lost an hour of my life before deciding “NO MORE” and exiting all the tabs. And that’s added on to the five hours I spent on there last night. XD

    And I actually liked the series until I discovered the way Smeyer intended it to be read. I thought that it was about the bad decisions that teenagers make because of their crazy hormones, and how their bad decisions have horrible consequences that ruin their lives. I assumed that Bella’s constant harping on the sexiness of Edward was an example of her being an Unreliable Narrator who was being pulled into a bad relationship because of Edward’s magical Sexy Vampire-ness, and, although Edward realized this, he was so glad to find someone whose mind he couldn’t read that he went with it anyway.

    I was kind of hoping for a bad ending with the characters realizing how screwed up their lives were and that they only loved each other for shallow reasons, but instead everything was happy sunshine rainbows.

    But I’m positive that Bella and Edward will break it off after the first ten years and then have a really complex and difficult relationship for the rest of eternity, including epic vampire fights. And when the Earth is no longer habitable, people will leave Earth for another planet, and the vampires will be vampires IN SPACE. Although by then the Masquerade will be broken and the vampires will be used to search other planets that humans couldn’t go to and Edward and Bella will have to work together in another galaxy and deal with their complicated emotions and it would be the most epic fanfic ever. ^___^

    • Lioness Says:

      VAMPIRES! IN! SPAAAAAACE!!

      Heh…
      Seriously though, that was awesome. *applause!*

    • Softspoken Says:

      I spy… Recycled IN SPACE, The Masquerade, and possibly Our Vampires Are Different. And of course, TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life.

  15. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    So in short, “Some stuff happened. Let’s get to the (comparatively) more interesting bits, shall we?” Hey, pulling a William Goldman (and on Chapter 4 no less!) is all right with me. I don’t blame you in the least. In fact, I’m appreciative that you’re sparing and encouraging our braincells with a delightful intellectual discussion. If I end up making stories or animated shorts from my more interesting nightmares though, I hope they don’t turn out as badly as this.

  16. I always thought Jacob was supposed to play the part of the sweet/funny guy who puts your relationship to the test and makes you wonder if you indeed found “Mr, Right”. But then half-way through, Smeyer became biased towards her own freaking characters and ruined the whole thing…ugh…I hate it when authors (does Smeyer count as one?) actually spoon-feed you that way! Unless there`s some sort of lesson to be learned, authors should never make you like/hate anyone – they should let you decide!

    • And when I say lesson, I actually mean one of those traditional morals, stuff that`s supposedly written in stone. Like: John stole from Mary and we`re supposed to hate him because stealing is wrong etc.

    • That’s what I thought! That’s why I wasted my time with the freaking books. I thought that Jacob had a few redeeming qualities that kept me reading. I even felt that his out of character behavior at the end of this mess of a book was forgivable. Then I read the pile of sappy drivel that is Breaking Dawn and saw the horrible romanticized child molester Jacob had become, and I had my own breaking dawn that what I was reading was not just shallow escapism bad, it was bad enough to make me seriously consider holding a community bonfire. And I would have considered it sac religious before that to burn a book.

      • I never even got to the part where jacob imprinted on bella’s kid, I deleted my ebook as soon as I discovered she was pregnant. I never was a huge fan but i never could understand why people hated the seires so much, it was like any mills and boon novel, to be read for escapism and then forgotten..but breaking dawn crossed the line.

        • Exactly! I never really hated the series until I read Breaking Dawn. Then the floodgates of hate were opened and I realized how awful the whole thing was.

          • Moonshade Says:

            Ditto. Just… ditto.

            • M. Fruvus Says:

              I was at a summer camp the day after Breaking dawn came out, and I read it out loud to some of my friends at camp. It was bad, but pretty freaking hilarious.

  17. Graymalkin Says:

    I tried to get the DM to let my Malkavian have the power of Sparkleyness in out Vampire: The Masquerade game, but he won’t let me :{ And I wanted to be a sparklepire sooooo badly.

  18. This is total sadness. I have gotten myself caught up, now what am i supposed to do wail work?

  19. So after I’m done reading this wonderful post, I scroll up really quickly, and I swear I read the words ‘the plot decapitates itself’. Upon further reading, I was disappointed that, no, it didn’t actually say that.

  20. Katie Cole Says:

    I just saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall this weekend and now I want anything involving vampires to be like the end of that movie :p

  21. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    Reading your recaps has actually made me attempt to read the series (borrowed the books of course, Smeyer’s not getting my money), though I haven’t gotten past the first chapter of the first book.

    I almost gave up completely after seeing “greenly”.

    It is still beyond my mental faculty to understand how that’s even a real word, according to dictionary.com.

    Let’s just say among my little “notes” was a great big -____________-;;

  22. I am a Twilight fan. I bought the whole series and the illustrated movie companion. There I said it. At the same time I absolutely adore this blog, I am an avid follower and thoroughly enjoy Rachel’s opinion of the series (I agree with her completely). I know that the series is very bland and it doesn’t even rank in my favourites (which doesn’t say much for me considering I bought it, I know)

    I don’t think smeyer intended for intelligent people to read this series. I think she wanted to capitalise on the fact that most of the youth today don’t read and wouldn’t be able to tell a literary masterpiece from the insane ramblings of a cult member (which they clearly can’t).

    I think the key to enjoying the series is not expecting anything spectacular. I read it the way it was supposed to be read, without looking for a deeper meaning in anything. To me Twilight is like the ‘Scary Movie’ or ‘Meet The Spartans’ of the book world. It wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, when you read it you should check your brain at the door and just accept everything smeyer writes. In my opinion this series was made solely for the sake of making money and shouldn’t be held to the same standards as good books, I am just a sucker for the fantasy genre.

    If this makes me a hypocrite, rather a hypocrite over crap like Twilight than something of actual importance.

    • I don’t know some of the fans take her very seriously, (So much so that they really scare me) and from what i hear she seems to take herself very seriously too.

      Personally i am moving closer and closer to reading the books, and I am planing on reading them to mock.

    • Moonshade Says:

      I’m gonna disagree with you slightly, though I admire your courage and ability to criticize something you enjoy.

      I don’t think it’s all about the money. I think she honestly believes this stuff. Not in the Cullenist fashion– she knows they’re fictional. But she believes that she is really talented, and that her characters epitomize true love.

      I’m not sure whether to call that grand naivete or a horrific derangement, but if you look at her blog and such, that’s what it all comes to. I feel reminded of a kid who’s only read wikipedia articles and heard third- and fourth-hand accounts of a subject attempting to lecture a professional or professor in that field– she thinks she knows what she’s talking about, and it’s never occurred to her that she might be dead wrong.

      I think if she’d started smaller– a blog, or fanfiction website, or something like that– she would have gotten chapter-by-chapter criticism from multiple people. Many of them insane beyond reason, but enough of them insightful and intelligent. And maybe, just maybe by the fiftieth chapter of people criticizing her for creepiness, purple prose, and pure unadulterated NOTHING, she would have learned how to be a decent author. Because even if an editor or two will accept this smut, a few hundred online readers would never be so forgiving.

      By now it’s already too late. She’s gotten the hero-worshippers, the book deals, the talk shows. She thinks she’s a goddess of the literary world, and there’s absolutely nothing–not even intelligent arguments like the ones in this blog– that can convince her otherwise.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Does it really take courage to criticize something you enjoy? I agree it requires ability (I can’t count the number of times I thought something was 100% perfect until someone pointed out the numerous flaws), but I don’t think it requires courage.

    • I would go along with the idea that the series wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, but Smeyer herself will take great pains to compare her books and characters to the classics, as though there even were a comparison.

      The universal truth of it is that, yes, Twilight should not be taken seriously in any context (even in the context when I get on my high horse and start preaching about how this series will teach little girls to like being abused–that’s me taking it way too seriously). But the series’ own author seems to have failed at that, comparing Edward to Romeo, Heathcliff, Rhett, etc., boldly proclaiming how her books were each in turn “inspired by” Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, and The Merchant of Venice … not realizing that Edward, Bella, the entirety of the plot is a caricature of a cliche, and that there is absolutely nothing timeless about her writing.

      I certainly don’t think you’re a hypocrite for knowing a book is bad and still liking it anyway LOL If that were a personality flaw, there wouldn’t be a such thing as $2.50 romance paperbacks.

      • Smeyer may have intended for Twilight to be worthy of comparison to the literary ‘greats’ but her opinion doesn’t count because a) she is a nut case with serious mental issue and b) every writer (or just about ever one) thinks that their creation is the best thing since the dawn of mankind even though more often than not their self-proclaimed genius is the bullet between the eyes.

        Lol I’m from South Africa (that little country on the tip of Africa where people live in dung huts, keep lions as pets and rely on lightning as their only source of electricity) so to me there is no such thing as $2.50 romance paperbacks, all the books here are pretty expensive EVEN THE CRAPPY ONES! In hindsight saving the money for the new Dan Brown book would have been a wiser choice but whatever, at least I can say I was part of the Twilight mass hysteria :P

        • to me there is no such thing as $2.50 romance paperbacks, all the books here are pretty expensive EVEN THE CRAPPY ONES!

          omg

          I will send you “The Billionaire Greek’s Purchased Wife” and other such dazzling titles, if only so you get them for exactly what they’re worth, i.e. nothing.

      • I represent that remark.

  23. *mental issues

    sorry it’s 04:34 AM here, my brain seems to be shutting down

  24. Okay, I just went to the Smeyer official website because I am being masochistic (And I’m using that word only for a lack of others; Smeyer has ruined quite a few words like this one). Anyways, she says she likes City of Bones and Percy Jackson books. City of Bones and all books in the series, according to my sister, are wonderful. And the Percy Jackson series is really quite good. I’ve meet Rick Riordan on a couple of occasions. Not for very long, but he seems to be a genuinely good author. These books, compiled with all other books that Smeyer has said she likes/cited (Pride & Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, ect.) are a tad confusing. If she has surrounded with all these great novels, then why can’t she take a hint from them and write something decent? At least for writing Twilight. It just confuses me.
    And for her only other book, The Host, I’m starting to seriously consider the possibility that she didn’t actually write the book. Now, it’s been almost a year since I read it, but I remember liking it. It was good. Which again makes me think Smeyer is totally faking through Twilight. Sorry for my rambling. It’s getting a tad late, and I just start typing!

    • I’m interested to read The Host after this. Maybe she has grown? Maybe she has learned? Maybe sparkles make everything suck? Who knows.

      • Serenity Says:

        Admitedly, The Host was was suppoed to be not as bad as Twilight, but if I remember correctly, my friends say that when the mind parasite takes over, there is no way to differentiate between the parasite’s and the human’s (forgot her name) thoughts.

    • Well she’s read these novels, she’s enjoyed them, but I don’t think she’s gotten to the meat of what they are really about.

      To her I’m sure Pride & Prejudice is a romance, and she wouldn’t think about the other major relationship in the book, the relationship between Jane and Lizzy, or even Fitzwilliam and Georgiania. Bella thinks she’s been insulted by him, so from their first meeting she’s ‘prejudiced’ against him, only to learn later that his motives were different (of course in P&P the motives were not different, and Mr. Darcy meant to insult Lizzy, but probably never intended her to actually hear him). And of course Edwardo is not too proud or anything, because he’s perfect(unless Smeyer is one of those people who think Mr. Darcy never did anything wrong, and was never too proud to which I roll my eyes).

      And she obviously thinks that Romeo and Juliet is about star crossed lovers and not horny teenagers. The tragedy it’s based on has them humping walls for pete’s sake.

    • I must admit, I only read it once, and while it’s just as bizarre and has a lot of the same cliches and crappy writing styles as Twilight, I liked the Host. The love stories, to me, were okay for escapism purposes. If I went back and read the book again I might find more to complain about, but if I remember right, the two love interest guys in the series resembled old Jacob rather than new Jacob or Edward, thus making them half decent.

      And, aliens, the form she uses to write about in the book, are much easier to create her own rules for, since there’s not really an established mythological canon for them. I guess it’s pretty hard to screw them up, but I found the parasite qualities she gave them kind of interesting. Of course the whole focus of the book is Twu Wuv, and not even remotely science fiction, but, when her brother said this was her best book I think he was right. (Not that that’s accomplishing much.)

    • Kaotik4266 Says:

      Yeah, I read The Host as well. It’s still fairly unoriginal which makes me think she probably did write it. I describe it to people who ask as:

      “The characters from Twilight get thrown into the Animorphs universe with a little bit more depth of character and moral issues thrown in for seasoning”

      But seriously! Animorphs: Aliens take over earth by digging into peoples brains and controlling their actions. The people still remain conscious inside their heads but they fade over time. A group of (iirc) young people get together to defeat them.

      Still, at least nothing sparkled! :)

      • Moonshade Says:

        Call me a hopeless fangirl, but at least you can write a decent fanfic of Animorphs and have it still be good. Even if Twilight is just another mutated fanfic, at least it’s based on something with substance for once, rather than

        HE’S SO PRETTY!!!!!!!!1!eleven!

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Boy it’s a good thing I’m already slowly losing interest in manga.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Oh mercy, “Twilight” already reminds me of the “Naruto” manga… pretty much all filler and the plot is buried in a shallow grave in the middle of a forest.

      • Serenity Says:

        Hey now, I resent that statement. Admittedly, yes, the anime has a ridiculous amount of fillers that make me want to scream, but at least it has an actual plot and people DIE in that, and they all have god background stories and whatnot.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          ;A; Ha-Haku!

        • i’ll back this up – Naruto, the manga specifically, is not by any means the peak of human existence in comic form, but there’s none of that dumb filler crap, either. at least something happens every issue.
          the Naruto anime is the one full of crappy spoilers.
          it still has better character development than Twilight, though.

          • Di-chan Says:

            Okay, I’ll give you that, but you forgot about how drug out the series is. Then again, I usually end up reading “Naruto” chapters with “xxxHolic” chapters and ignore “Twilight.”

      • Katie Cole Says:

        believe it!

        sorry i had too

    • Good God, nuke it before it takes control!

      But in all seriousness, I just hope that Twilight doesn’t turn into a remake frenzy.

  25. Katie Cole Says:

    I just started reading The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris, actually finished the first one today. And I most say it is a welcome change from Twilight, and I can see many things that SMeyer ripped off from this series (mind reading, someone with the last name Hale etc.). I even looked up SMeyer on wiki to see if she mentions it as inspiration (she doesn’t) but I did see this: “Bands included most often in her playlists are Muse, Blue October, My Chemical Romance, Coldplay, and Linkin Park.”

    LOLZ

    • Ha ha, what.

    • Her writing style is….odd…I liked the books and have read most of them but **SPOILER ALERT** When Sookie’s grandmother was killed we got about a couple of paragraphs. Later on we get to read all about how Sookie took a shower, washed her hair, shaved her legs and then looked through a drawer to find a hair tie that matched her shirt…

  26. I don’t know if this has been posted here or not bu seriously you all need to look at this. this sick obsession way out of control.

    http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175&page=1

    • Charlotte Says:

      Oh my god.

      It is so completely terrifying and horrible that the fans have gotten so crazy as to attempt murder.

  27. what’s funny is that, other authors have no problems writing about nothing and giving it significance. The very beginning of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy lists every little detail of Arthur Dent’s morning with the words “bulldozer” and “yellow” thrown in every once in a while. yet that still manages to be genius. this is just…..drivel. it’s obnoxious.

    • Adams also has a thing for adverbs, i’ve noticed.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Ah, but the difference here is that Hitchhiker’s is a comedy. All the little mundane details just amplify the absurdity of it all and make it even more enjoyable. If Twilight were a comedy (say an intentional parody of internet fanfiction and harlequin romance novels), then odds are this blog wouldn’t exist. Or if it did, it would have a very different purpose.

  28. Katie Cole Says:

    http://www.cracked.com/craptions/craption/1283

    I lol’ed at this so hard I started choking on the water I was drinking at the time :D

  29. dana grace Says:

    discovered a plothole! :/

    alice sees futures just as long as the person doesn’t change decisions, right? I know that this is supposed to subtly tell us how we decide for our future and that we hold our destiny and stuff (or am I just trying to find a way to see another moral of the story other than TWU WUV IS 4EVER!!! <3?). But then, if Bella decided to work, then of course she'll find out that she's not needed in the store and she'll have nothing to do, so the natural reaction to that is that she'll go to La Push. Right? Right?
    I still don't get how Alice never saw that coming. I mean, she's not psychic, she's a freaking flow chart!!!! I love her all the ways, but I think her awesomeness was not given justice by SMeyer.

    Oh another thing, if Alice can't see anyone's future if it is intertwined with wolves, she won't see the future of anyone acquainted with the la push wolves. Especially Bella. Since those wolves would always be part of her past, present and future. :D I mean if Bella goes shopping, the moment she bumps into Lea at the mall, her future will disappear since she had intertwined her present with a wolf, right?

    I hate how SMeyer fails at logic!

  30. “As a result, we are expected to dislike and distrust him, because the Cullens are so clearly (unrealistically) good.”

    But the Cullens AREN’T good! That’s the thing that always got me! They’re not good, they’re frightening! That-ex-who-went-at-you-with-a-pair-of-scissors frightening! Apart from Alice (and Jasper, when he wants to kill Bella) they’re all annoying as hell too. No hobbies, no interests, and God forbid a vampire should play an instrument that isn’t a piano.

    Carlisle and Esme have this total abused-wife-syndrome thing going on which STILL scares me shitless when I happen to remember reading it. He’s a sociopath. A scary, doctory sociopath with about as much compassion as a freaking venus fly trap. It’s a running theme. I find myself being somewhat concerned for SMeyer. I want to tell her that there are people she can talk to about this – nice people, kind people, and they won’t ask her to write a word of it down to torture anyone else with either.

  31. Okay. Enough. Where the hell is chapter five?!

    • Agreed.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      My guess is that she’s trying to read it, but is constantly tormented by urges to stab the book repeatedly.

      • That’s a good guess. I was so hard-up for new Eclipse mockery that I even picked up my sister’s copy and tried to carry on with chapter five. Lemme tell ya, it was no picnic. Since there wasn’t an ounce of sarcasm or awesome commentary I just ended up wanting more vampirely chapters even more!

      • wouldn’t it be great if you could stab the book and it would start bleeding like Tom riddle’s diary? and maybe we would find out that Smyere is just a horacrux or something.

        • NO! That would mean that Smeyer would KEEP COMING BACK. I think that’s the exact opposite we want. She would have a longer life span to write books… *shudder*

  32. The horror, the horror, I just saw Twilight the board game on sale at Walgreens….

  33. Twilight tattoos!

    Yeah, a great start to introduce myself. Just a lurker, came around third book second chapter.

    • The tattoo with the slash marks made me want to vomit a little bit…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      My favorite is probably “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Stupid lamb.”

      • My favorite part of that particular tattoo is how the writing isn’t straight it goes on a funky slant. I’d be pissed if it were my tattoo.

        • Anyone see the giant Edward one, where he’s holding the apple? Who would do that to themselves?!?!

          • seriously! that one freaked me out the most. and think of how painful that had to’ve been! and the entire paragraph from the book, covering ALL of that girl’s back. blegh.

            • Depending on where the tattoo is determines how painful it is. I have a little faery on the back of my shoulder and it didn’t hurt at all.

          • Not only is that going to be a bitch to cover for jobs, it’s ugly as hell. I love tattoos, I have seven, but for goodness sake

    • “Because Twilight is like the female equivalent of blowing shit up with fireworks for a guy.”
      …what if I’m a girl and still like to blow shit up with fireworks? heheh :D

  34. You. Linked. TvTropes.

    I Love you!!!!!!

    Wow that doesn’t sound creepy..

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