Chapter Eight

Oh snap, time for a recap. How was all my American readship’s Labor Day weekend? And a shout-out to my readers in southern British Columbia–how many of y’all crossed the border to shop in Target? Don’t lie to me I know you did.

Edward creep-o-meter: Shrinking back down to a five.

Good Lord.

Bella and Jacob slouch about the res. She asks about the latest pack gossip.

I’ll give you a moment to steel yourselves.

Jacob is reluctant to share, but eventually admits that one of the Quilbry has Impressed–er, imprinted on someone. Emily had two nieces visiting and Quil um, took a liking to Claire.

Why is this so weird?

Claire is two years old.

Even Bella, head-trauma Bella, scream and faint Bella, blatant violator of helmet laws Bella, falls-in-love-with-psychopaths Bella, Bella has the good sense to see that this is, well, illegal.

“But she’s a baby,” I protested.

He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”

Dude you are talking about a two-year-old ugh ugh ugh oh my God there is not enough bleach for my bath water to get the dirt off

Jacob accuses Bella of being judgmental (!) and insists that it won’t be sexual until Claire is legal breeding stock. Until then Quil will just be “the best, kindest big brother” ever.

So, essentially, Quil is just waiting for the toddler to ripen. God damn you, Stephenie.

Bella, stupidly, asks when Jacob will impress, and he’s all “NEVER pout pout pout.” God, this girl is dumb. Coincidentally, that would be an interesting turn of events, in a soul-mate-enabled-world–if your soul mate is madly in love with a terrifying, sociopathic monster, and you know she’s the only one for you but you can never have her. I sort of empathize with Jake here. Um, aside from him blowing off the pedophilia aaauugh God

They ride bikes. They go back to his place. They have a soda and they bond.  Jake asks if Bella was serious about that whole “becoming undead” thing, and she affirms. Oh, no, but is this goodbye, not-boyfriend? Sniffle tear.

“Why? We still have a few years. Can’t we be friends until we’re out of time?”

“Years? No, Jake, not years.” I shook my heard, and laughed once without humor. “Weeks is more accurate.”

Jacob flips out.

There’s a couple of paragraphs of him quivering, blurring, spilling soda, clenching teeth, etc, and I’m hoping for some really awesome, honest-to-God action here, but… he calms himself down. Damn. Okay. Well, on the bright side, this means there’s not a single stupid thing for Edward to worry about and he’s still a smothering jackass.

Jacob insists he’d rather Bella were dead than, you know, one of Satan’s army. This is like SO MEAN and stuff so she leaves, for like, EVER!

Instead of riding her bike back home, safe from her jailers, she rides back to Chez Cullen. What the hell? She is all “DON’T WANNA TALK MMMMOOOOPPPPPE” and stalks off to Edward’s room, to defiantly sleep on his couch.

She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials. Of course, now that he’s here, and so wonderful and perfect and dazzling, she forgets to be angrier than grizzly bears or whatever stupid thing she threatened earlier.

They make out. Uh. No, wait, yeah! This is actual making out! He wraps one of her legs around him, they roll around on the bed. It’s actually kind of hot, aside from the fact that he’s cold and dead (ew).

I guess the “no tongue-kissing” rule is off.

Bella actually asks this, all “oh did you change your mind about withholding sex from me?” He basically tells her “don’t be silly, I would never have sex with you, I just wanted to be a gigantic tease.” Well, okay, actually he says “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

Don’t get carried away.

That’s the sound of my face hitting my desk repeatedly.

They talk about sex for a full page, without ever actually mentioning it. Yes, just like the first and last time they discussed it in Twilight, this is a page full of eyebrow-wiggling, elbow-nudging, and bush-skirting. In more ways than one.

Edward extricates himself from the naughty dirty “sex” situation (he might be forced to admit that he has no interest in vaginas), by apologizing for… wait.

No, this… really? I can’t believe it. He apologizes for being a smothering jackass. He is now 100% okay with her having friends. This confuses and somehow infuriates me.  We get this chapter where all in one, a. Jacob is a “jerk”, b. Edward is suddenly caring and supportive. What gives?

Bella confesses that Jacob said he’d rather see her dead than as an abhorrent creature of evil. Edward apologizes, and offers to kill him. I’m not even joking. He’s all “oh well I can slip up in my self-control a little bit and kill him for you, if you really want.” Her response is to go “Oh, you!” and try to have sex with him again.

This is just twisted.

Let’s see, she propositions Edward  for sex for the third time of the night, he declines once again (because he is a homoseI mean gentleman), and she asks him about the pretty vampires he had absolutely no interest in while he was visiting Alaska (because he is homoseI mean very particular about women). He reassures her that nothing happened, he never nailed any of them, and Tanya was merely stupefyingly beautiful. Not at all like his perfect, pale, clumsy, whiny, empty-headed, teary-eyed little Bella. Tanya probably had too much of a free will and identity for him.

He sings her to sleep. Because he is the perfect man and not at all boring and we should all aspire to fall in love with a creep just like him.

I love the satisfying sound this book makes when I slam it shut in total contempt.

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169 Responses to “Chapter Eight”

  1. I would love the satisfying sound of that book slamming into the head of a certain “author”.

  2. And then she wakes up and it was all a dream. Like that season of Dallas.

  3. Scarlet_Magpie Says:

    This new Edward won’t last long…..I give him 2 or 3 chapters before he starts being a Jack-ass again.

  4. It’s like Smeyer is finally realizing that Edward is coming off as the tyrant and Jacob is coming off as the knight in shining armor attempting to save damsel Bella from the evil, imprisoning dragon that is the Cullen family. “Ooops…turns out somebody who is not Edward is likable! Better fix that…” It would infuriate me less if she just rolled with the turns her story was taking, instead of immediately attempting to rectify them by suddenly making the characters stop acting like themselves.

    Also, I’ve begun to imagine Edward wheezing like Darth Vader every time he talks. I don’t know why, but it makes his scenes much more amusing. “No…*wheeze*…Bella…we *wheeze* can’t have sex *gasp*…I want you…*wheeze*…to be pure…”

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      Sounds more like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. XD

      • Hah…it does! Though, now that makes Edward sound much more precious and much less menacing and creepy.

        • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

          That…is true.

          Unless we rewrite Twilight with Stevie in Edward’s place thus eliminating all the stalking/dominating her subtext.

          Hell, Stevie would be so grateful a girl looked his way he’d treat her right.

    • “And *wheeze* I’ll go *wheeze* into *wheeze* respira- *wheeze* -tory *wheeze* failure if *wheeze* you touch *wheeze* me down *wheeze* there.”

      • I’m trying really hard to contain my giggles, being in a computer lab full of hard working students and all. I’m getting images of a RPattz/Darth Vader/Stevie/sparklepire and that last line of “respira- *wheeze* -tory *wheeze* failure if *wheeze* you touch *wheeze* me down *wheeze* there” nearly did me in.

    • Truly the stamp of an amateur writer to wrestle the characters rather than let them take the lead. Imagine what an awesome series this would have been if she had let it play out like it was trying to!

      • Truly the stamp of an amateur writer to wrestle the characters rather than let them take the lead.

        Exactly. Unfortunately we all suspect that Jacob’s treatment is due to Smeyer’s obsession with making Edward the perfect man. And he can hardly be perfect if there are people out there who like the other male lead better than him.

        It’s very clear she had an agenda with writing these–not simply a “vision” or a “story” or anything authory like that. She had an agenda. She had to create the perfect man in Edward Cullen, right down to his stupid fucking sparkles. And if that meant creating characters with very little personality, and then somehow writing them out-of-character, then so be it. Just as long as everyone remembers that Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, but Edward, Edward was free of all possible fucking flaws which obviously makes him a literally sparkling demonstration of what true men should be like, and not just incredibly fucking boring to read about.

  5. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    It makes a better sound when you throw it across the room in contempt.

    *demonstrates*

    • bonus if you have cats that scatter all directions in terror.

      • What are you talking about? When I read it (never EVER do a book trade with female friends who know you hate twilight) my cats stayed away from me until i got the books out of my apartment and took a shower. One night I actually caught my ‘good’ cat (read: no bad habits) ruthlessly folding the pages of Breaking Dawn. It should’ve been a sign, but nooooo, I have a philosophy of reading books I’m lent. And I wanted to have more ammunition in my hatred of Smeyer and Twilight.

        • your cats are clearly smarter than my partner’s. XD then again, this was the cat that got locked in a clothes dryer as a kitten, he’s …. special.

          on the other hand (or not), my snake took a big steaming dump on Breaking Dawn’s cover.

          • Which provokes the question… what was your snake doing on the book?

            • at the time I had my laptop on the kitchen table. book (from library) sitting at the corner of the table.
              took out the Master to let him crawl around on my hands/keyboard/table and he made a beeline for BD, settled on the cover, and the rest was history.

  6. So I’m reading the awesomeness of this blog when I should be doing my ten drawings for my art class that are due tomorrow. I’ve interrupted my Twilight loving roommate (she’s cool though) twice now while she’s writing my paper from laughing so hard that she thinks I’m laughing at her.

  7. I think we need a Werewolve Creep-o-meter for the pedophilia.

    It gets creepy.

    And how on earth does this plot make sense to anyone?

    • I’m not even sure what I should track in Breaking Dawn. Maybe I should have a Call of Cthulu-esque sanity meter.

      • I’m afraid it’d go off the charts, the funny pictures aren’t lying when they tell you the kid is the alien…

      • How about an incredulousness meter? As in, how incredulous that chapter made you?

        Why is “incredulousness” a word? What retard decided it needed a “ness” on the end of it? Makes you look like a moron saying it.

        … Or maybe that’s just me. *shifty eyes*

  8. So this is my first time commenting, though I’ve read all of the recaps in about the span of a week and half, and first off I’d just like to say thank you very much for the Pern reference. ♥

    And I have nothing else interesting to say, so. I assume I’ll comment on the next chapters.

  9. bloodgrave Says:

    “She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials.”

    Holy crap, mental image! That dead smile.. Gaaaaah.

  10. What could possibly be worse than one of the Quilbry imprinting on a two year old? Jacob thinking that he is in love with Bella just to imprint on her newborn… Seriously, there is just so much wrong with that.

  11. Scarlet_Magpie Says:

    You know this book is shallow when people are imprinting on babehs. I mean, how do you know you’re feeling TRU LUV for a baby? Huh? HUH?!

  12. I bet the “thump tumble thumpity thump” of throwing it down the stairs would sound like good old fashion trashy throbbing romance novel sex… Maybe that’s why people are so in love with it. The things you can DO with the book to make sounds of the things you want in the book!

  13. Things I have learned from Twilight:

    – vampires = gay pandas
    – homosexuals = gentlemen who are very particular about womens
    – a kicked puppy, if petted from time to time, will still try to please its abusive owner
    – pedophiles = NOT CREEPY, JUST LOVING SO LOVING

    My newest reaction to Edwardo & The Gang is a dead-eyed, vacant stare. I can hardly WAIT for the rest of the series.

  14. I guess I feel I have to play devil’s advocate. Just as a disclaimer I have pushed myself through all four books and I don’t deny that there is a /lot/ wrong with many of SMeyer’s concepts and plots (or really, lack thereof)

    Now for the controversy, perhaps?
    While the baby-imprinting is obviously just a device for SMeyer to keep “Team Jacob” *eyeroll* happy about not getting with Ms Swan and giving an excuse for loving-assaulting-whatever her because he somehow is in love with her unfertilized egg (???) I don’t see it (the baby-imprinting) as paedophilia.
    When I read it, and mark you it was pretty late at night in an effort to finish the book in one go, I saw it described as soul-connection, I guess? I’m half Chinese and in east asian mythology true, perfect lovers are connected by a “red thread” at birth and if all works out then they will find each other and be happy ever after blah blah. That’s what I synonymized the imprinting to, so it’s not so focused on love, but more on bonding and a transcendent sort of attraction.
    Or perhaps I’m reading way too much into a shallow book, and SMeyer really does believe that paedophilia is justified when it helps her tie up loose (not)plot ends and satisfy twihards. If so then I am disappointed, but I will continue my reading to make me feel better for having plowed through the series.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I’m Korean and I do know about that red string. The thing is that marriages in those days were merely agreements between families. While in some cases the wife may be a teenager and the husband an infant, the wife was more of a nanny to her husband until he hit puberty and when they did try to make children, it was out of cultural obligation to continue the family line. The difference here is that Quill has actually fallen in love with a 2-year-old. Sure he may wait until she hits puberty too, but… Okay so the two situations are quite similar. I will admit that, but my main point is that the Asian wife was not in love with the infant husband.

    • I think Smeyer did try very hard (through Jacob’s explanation) to explain how the bonding is not, in fact, creepy. Unfortunately, Jacob can’t make much of a case for it. He basically just says “Until she’s old enough to sex, he’ll be her bff.”

      I think it would be more reasonable if Jacob were just as alarmed by it as Bella. It feels too much like Stephenie trying desperately to justify her own very weird plot element.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Are you sure he’s not just being sarcastic?

        • He really does seem earnest in his explanations to Bella about what an awesome big brother Quil will be while he waits patiently for pedobear to remove his seal of approval.

          • I see both of your points, I guess I’m just a romantic at heart, and was trying to find something real and understandable in this book rather than Edward + Bella Nauseousness
            Also: the book is also two years old, so we should go around putting “Pedobear approves!” stickers on the covers at Barnes and Noble or something :D

            • Completely understandable. I think the only couples I even slightly like so far are Rosalie and Emmett (because they seem the most like real people here), and Carlisle and Esme (ONLY because in my mind they’re a couple of psychotic serial killers who express their love while draining people dry).

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            So there’s no “he retorted with a dour expression” or “his face had a twisted quality to it when he said that”?

          • i think the reason that jacob understands is because his super werewolf powers let him see and feel exactly what Quil feels. which is why Jacob doesn’t think it’s creepy.

            • That’s probably the explanation.

              However, it appears Jacob has been chugging the kool-aid, too. I would have expected at least an uneasy acceptance of the situation, rather than a “No, it’s totally okay, he’s gonna wait til she’s old enough.”

              Quil is going to be in his mid-thirties when Claire hits the legal age for sexing. Oh sure, he’ll only look maybe 20-25 through the miracles of werescience, but still….

              I like that Stephenie takes it a step further in Breaking Dawn. Renesme will age at like four times the normal rate until she hits 17 or 18(physically), and Jacob will barely age at all, so its like they’ll really be the same age. Awesome for Jacob, sucks for Quil.

            • Oh, whoa. I hadn’t even thought of that. Kudos!

      • I think I’d find it very awkward if the ageless guy who’d been my best friend/supportive ‘cousin’ for my entire childhood suddenly started trying to make out with me when I was old enough. Is it possible to make a foray into the book pages and rescue the little girl?

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          “Cousin”? You mean “Uncle”! Even if he’s still technically a teenager, the fact is that he’s going to quickly age to look as if he’s 20 something and stay there!

          • Well… either or, I guess. I mean, I’m 23 and have a 2 year old cousin. Although, now come to think of it my Uncle and Aunt do keep referring to me as their aunt because all of us are having a hard time wrapping our minds around that age difference. *shrug*

        • I was trying to think of a way to express this, too. Dude is your big brother/bff for 17-some years, and then suddenly wants a relationship with you. Uh, ew? Oh but that kind of dedication is so hard to turn down.

          • MildlyAmused Says:

            Example that real life can be just as squicky as bad fiction?

            Celine Dion and her manager/husband. He was her manager when she was a kid (like eleven I think?) and she grew up to marry and reproduce with him. :\

            Also, the imprinting COULD have been a good plot twist is Quil/Jacob/anyone had had the balls to be “Oh crap, this isn’t right. What do I do now that this irreversible but gross thing has happened?” A real person would be all “I didn’t do it on purpose! Fix it! Fix it now!”

            • I had a friend whose wife was 20 years older than him (give or take a few years).
              to me, that was whatev’, they clearly love each other.

              then I found out she was his bus driver in school. from 3rd grade to senior year. that’s how they met.

            • if you think about the age thing that way, my stepdad was graduating high school when my mom was in 2nd grade. so no matter what, you can always find a kind of icky way to think of it, unless they’re close in age.

              i think what’s more important and gross is the sudden relationship change. smeyer actually says that he’ll be the best big brother ever. i love my stepbrother, but ew. and we’re not blood related either.

          • Wait… dedication? Shit, I was going on the premise that the girls the wolves imprinted on imprinted back…

            They’re supposed to fall in love because the guys really, really like them?

            OH THAT FUCKING BITCH. *twitches*

            • Yeah, Smeyer makes a point of repeating several times through conversation and narrative how HARD it is to resist that level of dedication.

              The girls do not imprint back. They simply fall in love because the guy fell in love.

            • I actually feel physically sick, as a woman whose been in a “I love you, you should love me back, or I’ll kill myself” situation. I think I’d like to hit SMeyer now.

      • I’ll admit, that when looked at in this context it’s creepy as fuck but later on you actually encounter Quil and Claire together and it’s actually not ridiculously creepy. Whoever posted about the red string and it being a bond of affection and simply pure love had a bit of a point.

        I’m not defending pedos or anything, but I watch an awful lot of anime and read an awful lot of manga so the concept of “the person you love the most” has been deeply ingrained in me. Sometimes the “person you love the most” is a sibling or a child. It’s just the pure emotion of love, not sexual attraction. It’s more the pure and selfless ..adoration, I suppose, at this point for Quil. Like raising a younger sister and worshiping the ground she toddles on.

        Then yes, sexing comes later. Which is where the creepiness comes in. Sexing a person you’ve watched age for 10 years is creeptastic. Which is where I close my eyes, cover my ears, and hum to myself and try never ever to think about it.

        • Now that I think more about it though, I realize that my first wishful interpretation was really just that, wishful. While it’s still not exactly paedophilia it is still just a SMeyer excuse to make what happens between Jacob and Renesmee (I still giggle uncontrollably every time I see/say that name) okay and coherent. The Red String mythology/destined partners concept doesn’t apply to imprinting anyhow because it is based on MUTUAL attration; whereas the imprinting is solely the wolf-men obsessing over one single lady who has no choice according to SMeyer but to capitulate to the awesomeness that is potential disfigurement and fursplosions.
          fffffffff
          darn author has fracked up these books so royally that I can’t even think about it in a possibly better light.
          Thank goodness I’ve got those books behind me now >^>

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            If xxxHOLiC is to be believed though, didn’t the red string thing originate from a gruesome tradition where a woman cuts off her pinky and offers it to the one she loved?

            • Was that mentioned in the pinky finger arc? So long ago… if so I think that might be a CLAMP horrorfication of the story… or perhaps a Japanese version? The wiki article on the red string of fate from china just involves a God and supposed childish rock throwing.
              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_string_of_fate

              argh I need XXXholic to update :<

      • I read a very interesting article a while back on a blog…and unfortunately I can’t remember where it is. *sigh* But, it spoke about how imprinting is creepy because it’s a ONE WAY ROAD. It’s only the male who imprints on the female. Essentially, this means that the woman is TOLD who her husband/mate is going to be and she does not get the squishy, gushy, love-love feelings of an imprint. No, she has to DEAL WITH IT and learn to love this man.

        Not only that, but since the woman is always so young, it’s essentially like the man is getting a blank slate that he can then mold into whatever he sees fit. Since the woman is told “this is your mate” from a very young age, SHE can then change to suit HIM.

        Personally, I think there’s no end to the creepiness there, and once again it’s Smeyer saying how much a woman should accommodate for the men in her life. Like how Eddie Dearest isn’t trying to be controlling, manipulative, etc. He’s just “looking out for her.” *gag*

  15. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    I… I feel sick…

    But does Jacob really approve and is he really going “You should be more open-minded”? When I got to “He looked at me with dark amusement. ‘Quil’s not getting any older,’ he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. ‘He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades'”, I was thinking “Dark amusement. Acidic tone. Yeah, he’s totally squicked out too. I can feel the sarcasm. He’s just trying to think of a gentle way to smack some common sense into his buddy.”

    But Ed… I don’t care if the boyfriend in question is the bestest boyfriend in the world. The instant I find him sleeping next to me without expressed permission, I’d start screaming bloody murder and break up the instant I calmed down and the police gave him a firm talking to or put him behind bars. Moreover the making out scene… You didn’t even quote it and I’m already disgusted. People read it and think “when’s the sex going to start?”, but I can only think “Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it. Or if you do it, PLEASE DON’T DESCRIBE IT!”

    • Don’t worry, when they finally do get it on in Breaking Dawn all you see is that it was FREAKING AMAZING and the BEST NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES!!!1!!!11one!
      Among other morally revolting SMeyer details, but I’ll let Rachel recap it when(if?) she gets to it

  16. Wow. Way to NOT be obvious about your views arranged marriage Smeyer. Yeah, imprinting my behind- good little girls need to have husbands chosen FOR them.

    I am sure in Smeyers magical land of sparkles and fursplosions werewolf men can imprint on babies, but I am SURE you’ll somehow never see a werewolf teenage female imprinting on a baby boy. We couldn’t have a pedo-cougar werewolf now could we?

    And I think this one phrase sums is allllll up:

    “God damn you Stephanie”

    • Or, even worse, a werewolf teenage female imprinting on another teenage female. THERE’S NO MAN IN THAT RELATIONSHIP NNNNNNNNNG

      • I just got the mental image of SMeyer twitching at that. Awesomeness.

        Let me replay it. A lot. It makes the writer in me squeal with glee.

      • I’m fairly certain that, in Smeyer’s mind, Leah is going to wind up bitter, childless, and alone. That’s got to be like hell for Mormons.

        • Hmmm, let’s see, I’m-

          Mormon…check

          Female…check

          Bitter…meh, sometimes. Twilight often brings out a bitter side of me.

          Alone…Weehhl, I’m not currently dating anyone

          Childless….hecckk yes.

          In utter turmoil/hell over my current state? No, I rather enjoy my life, actually.

          Psst. I know quite a few unmarried Mormon women without children who are quite educated and content with their lives. The rumors aren’t true. There’s no special circle of Mormon hell for the non-child bearers. Rosalie is quite ridiculous to me too.

          • It was meant more as a jab at Smeyer, than Mormons in general. I guess I should have used a different phrasing.

            • Nah, don’t worry. I probably came off as rather crabby. Thus making me out to sound like a bitter Twat (and possibly proving you right?) Sorry for that little outburst.

            • Smormon. Now That’s got potential! I think I’ll spread it around among all the Mormons I know to describe repressed Mormon Twimoms. Mwahaha!

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Yeah, it’s like those uptight super conservative Christians who believe reading Harry Potter and The Video Games of Pokemon are a free ride to hell. They’re comical extremes, but not representatives of the entire religion.

      • Yeah, when does Leah imprint on Jacob and Renesmee’s first-born daughter? Now there’s a plot!

      • okay
        okay

        if I do a rewrite of Twilight

        I am going to have some poor werewolf imprint on another guy
        possibly to get kicked out of the pack because they’re sick of being forced to his fagtastic thoughts thanks to weretelepathy

        • fingoforever Says:

          OMG LOL LOL LOL
          Uh, BAD ASS.
          Apologies for the all caps. I was sitting in the middle of the living room with my whole family when I read this and did indeed LAUGH OUT LOUD. They all looked at me.
          But I think that’s FREAKIN HILARIOUS.

  17. Also, thank you for all these recaps. They make be laugh, yet feel horribly depressed for the future of literature.

    I propose at the end of the recaps (once we finished Breaking Dawns Epilogue, not final chapter) We should have a online get together. A special one.

    A funeral for all the forgotten GOOD books out there that got thrown under the short leg of a table for this nonsense.

    I’ll wear black the whole week. :(

  18. I think I’d rather wake up to a King with a plastic smile and a hamburger first thing in the morning for a WEEK than EVER have Edward Cullen in my bed…

    It’d be good comic relief if Bella got a cold after the make out scene, though. :)

  19. Oh, this chapter. I remember this chapter. The SMeyer cock-tease. I seriously wanted to punch something when I read this chapter.

    Here I was, thinking that maybe, MAYBE, SMeyer had grown a pair and decided to put in actual premarital sex (OH MY GAWD, NOOOOOO). But no. No. Instead of having Eddie and Bella FINALLY screw like little rabbits (which, btw, is an absolutely disgusting mental image), she freaking gives us this crapola.

    Oh, I can’t wait until the recaps of Breaking Dawn. I think I will die of laughter.

    • I know right? This book was so freaking annoying. When she started dry humping him I was all like “Whoa man is this book actually going to get INTERESTING??” but of course no such luck.
      bah.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Hey, I don’t wanna hear about how cold, but perfect it feels inside her! Yeck!

        • I just threw up a bit. But still. There’s not even a fragging ocean wave cut-in to replace the nastiness of those two paper bags humping. Just some good old-fashioned SMeyer cock blocking.

  20. <a href="http://th06.deviantart.net/fs7/300W/i/2005/190/6/7/WAKE_UP_WITH_THE_KING_by_mastafuu.jpg&quot;
    target="_blank"Look! It’s any normal girl waking up next to Edwardo.

    • Mistress Dizzy Says:

      …That line needs to have been in the movie.

    • HOMG.
      if I had that I’d tear out Ed’s face, stuff it my mouth and be like “THERE’S YOUR PASSION BISH”
      … I want ice cream cake now :<

    • Okay, when that line showed up in the movie (sans the ice cream cake part) I literally screamed like a little girl. Because it was that fucking creeptastic, and I hate horror movies. This is when the drinking started. And the rest of the movie was hilarious!!!

  21. This chapter’s recap made my brain hurt… So Jacob’s down with the paedophilia. Ugh. >.<

    Meantime, Edward suddenly does a 180 that is completely unbelievable, and I'm reminded of a movie I saw just last night, with a bunch of Stepford Smiler evil monsters pretending to be nice, while taking advantage of someone in every way imaginable. Edward, my brain screams here, is lying out his ass.

    Too bad there won’t be anyone to set fire to him in this book.

    • It’s the honeymoon phase of the abusive relationship…I didn’t even think of that! He’s suddenly become obliging and sweet because he knows that Bella is mad at him/has run off with Forbidden Fruit Jacob again, so now he needs to reestablish his control over her by making her believe that he has changed into a sweet, loving, totally-not-monster-at-all boyfriend.

      • Yeah, as I was reading I was seriously going “is this the honeymoon phase?” She did tell him that she was angry, in a lukewarm sort of way, and of course that would lead him to backpedaling and realizing he’s coming on too strong, if he doesn’t be a little more accommodating she’s going to try to leave him. “Try” being the operative word.

        He hasn’t bought her any gifts yet, though, that I’ve read. Just a lot of ~*gentle caresses*~

        • Yaaaaaaaaay… And once again we worry that some of this might be biographical. I can’t say I’m not wondering the exact same thing, honestly.

          So far Jacob doesn’t strike me so much as a jerk, more someone who’s genuinely concerned for Bella’s safety, what with the whole “I wanna become hellspawn!” thing she has going. Then again, there is something very wrong with werewolves in this world.

          *cue PedoBear with wolf ears*

        • But, to Bella, those are the greatest gifts in the world. Because, much like a negligent parent giving their kid cough medicine, he only grants them when he wants to sedate her. And by “sedate” I mean “show how much he OMGLUVZ her”, of course.

        • gifts come very soon, it’s okay.

  22. So, I think in Smeyer’s world….the whole “imprinting on ’em young” thing is her perfect world version of those arranged marriages when the girls are infants.

    That or she has some major issues to work out with a therapist.

  23. oh wow the imprinting on a baby part… that is yet another example of the misogyny in these books because if you notice the girl has NO CHOICE about whether she wants to end up with her “older brother”. she just will. or meyers world would explode. although the sadist in me does like to imagine that after all these years of being devoted to her, when she’s finally old enough she runs off with some hot guy her own age

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Then Uncle Werewolf will go after the hot guy and rip off his head. And subsequently do the same thing to every guy she shows the slightest bit of romantic interest in thereafter.

  24. SMeyer is even more sick than i thought. We need to go kill her right now before she can write another aberration like that. Anyone interested?

  25. Next time you read the first couple of chapters in Twilight, replace the word “hand” with “penis.” It makes the entire thing far more enjoyable. My roommate’s boyfriend was reading it to her every night last year, and he started doing that.

    I have been enjoying these recaps. :D As a person who does not feel like reading the books but would like to know what all the hype is about, these have been quite enlightening. Especially the abusive relationships factor. How is this a romance novel, again? Why should young girls be basing relationships off of this again? Yeah.

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      When attempting to read Twilight (I only managed the first 2 chapters), I replaced all the adverbs/adjectives concerning Edward with different forms of “hunger”, “brooding” and “delicious”.

  26. This is a question. I have read the first book before I found this site, so I have no idea what comes after this chapter. Does Smeyer explain how impression works for the imprintee, or is it all from the imprinter’s perspective? I understand the horror of a one way obsession, but does it work both ways? If this is a two-way street then we have to rethink things.

    Either way it doesn’t speak to Smeyer’s thought process if she didn’t give Jacob the argument of dual imprinting.

    For good imprinting read Elfquest. WARP ftw!

    • Good question! Another inquiring mind wants to know. Although I have the feeling that we never hear about it from the imprintee’s POV, They are just girls, it doesn’t matter what they think or feel, they clearly don’t know what is good for them.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      We sorta kinda do. Remember Emily? Y’know. The one with only half a face because her cousin’s boyfriend imprinted on her?

    • Of course we never get the other perspective. In Smeyerville, every time a creepy man comes up to you and says “I’ve been watching you for a long time now, and I’m madly in love with you. We’re soulbound, even though we’ve never met. Also, I turn into a wolfbear sometimes.” you’re supposed to swoon and enter into a one-sided romance that is TOTALLY ROMANTIC AND NOT ABUSIVE OR CREEPY AT ALL YOU GUYS!!! Because that’s what women do. Become subservient to the men who love them, no matter how they themselves feel. And no amount of physical, mental, or emotional abuse should come between twu wuv.

      Also, I can’t be the only one that finds the whole “Jacob imprints on egg” thing to be a bit on the side of pro-life propaganda (if not propaganda against contraceptives themselves–I mean, imagine if Bella had been on birth control and that egg had been left unfertilized! Then we’d get to hear a sob story about a true love unfulfilled by a selfish, pregnancy planning Bella. It sure is a good thing she decided to get knocked up immediately, right, guys?)

      Which begs the question…could a werewolf imprint on a man’s sperm? Or is imprinting only a male werewolf thing, since men are the only ones allowed to actually choose their lovers?

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Now that you mention it, it’s the sperm that determines the kid’s gender, isn’t it? If he imprinted on the egg, what if the kid turned out male because Ed screwed up! Can do all that, but can’t even make girl babies correctly?! No, he’d say. It’s actually all Bella’s fault!

    • I haven’t seen it yet. I just hear the guys justify it as “oh, it’s hard to turn down that kind of devotion” and “it’s like they’re made for each other, two halves a whole.” So I have no idea what it’s like for the imprintee other than “frightening” and “face-ripping.”

  27. Oooookayy,…. So this is the first time I have responded to your blog (which I totally love BTW…. Sent the link around work), and you are completely right…. Chez Cullen is full of abusers. I say burn down the house with its walls of glass and watch the manpires and desperate little wompires burn….

    But I digress, I thought it would be good to add here my own theory for the 3rd book… this book in particular must have been created for the mediocre ‘love scenes’ (I use this term loosely as even Mills and Boon have ‘throbbing love sticks’ and the such), as it is the closest thing to porn 14 year olds can buy without their parents actually commenting…. This too would explain why 40 year old mothers are SO into it. So it would indicate to me that if the twi-mum’s were actually getting laid then these books might not be SO popular… your thoughts?

    Perhaps this is due to Smeyers own repressed sexual desires… someone else has already commented on Rpatz’s thoughts on this and how totally weird it is….. I am just waiting for Smeyers to encourage readers to ‘close their eyes and think of England’ during their first times… OMG… I think she does!

  28. ValhallaSky Says:

    Wait… So this isn’t the chapter where he rips a rose off the bed and destroys it to put her back in her place?

    I admit it, I read the books. One book a night (single sitting per book). Seriously. I was suffering from some really bad insomnia and my coworkers were just SO OBSESSED with the books I wondered what the big deal was.

    Never, ever again.

    This blog has given me back a piece of sanity. Thank you SO much Rachel!

  29. Oh, man, this blog makes me so happy. I’m a 24-year-old also living in the Pacific Northwest, and I’ve read the entire goddamn series for exactly the same reasons. I have estranged myself from my friends and family by constantly yelling about how painfully bad goddamn Twilight is (I have a DreamWidth tag reserved for the series: “Fucking Twilight makes me want to die”). Your blog is pretty much exactly what I would have written if I cared enough to actually put the vitriol I feel toward Fucking Twilight down in writing. As it is, I just contented myself with writing angry margin notes (about 90% of which consist of “ARGH STEPHENIE MEYER I HATE YOU PERSONALLY”). Hats off to you, madam.

  30. Just finished reading the archives, this is one helluva service to mankind. Keep up the good work. Also, I’m sure you’ve heard this a hundred times, but I have an incredible internet-crush on you.

    Can’t wait for the next update.

  31. fingoforever Says:

    Thanks for slogging through the muck and finding the gold nuggets of humor, Rachel.
    As for the imprinting thing goes, I’d go so far as to say I can see what she may have been trying to get at; that is, a sort of predestination of souls, as some people have mentioned on here. The “he’ll be what she needs for all her life thing” is almost as disturbing as the whole pedophilia aspect though, in my opinion. If I may make another nerd corollary, I reckon it to what Kahlan Amnell does in Wizard’s First Rule when she Confesses men. They are completely and totally in love with her, they have to do what she says or asks of them for the rest of their lives. The imprinting werewolves aren’t given a choice themselves and it seems like some of them aren’t happy with it in the outset but hell, what are they going to do about it now? They essentially lose their freewill and they are unable to fall in love with anyone besides the person they imprinted on. That’s almost as bad as the pedophile angle in my opinion.
    (As a side note, there is A LOT WRONG in Wizard’s First Rule as well, which only strengthens my Fucked Up Nerd Corollary.)
    Back to the pedophile angle. Like I said, I can see where she may have been trying to go with this. The thought of someone meant just for you, predestined, your one true love blah blah poot is a big “theme” (if such a poor author can be said to have themes) in her books. But the way she describes the werewolves – feral, HAWT creatures, earthy, darkly handsome, tall, well muscled, frequently ending up naked after their transformations all suggest a virility that jumps the line of impropriety when talking about one of them “betrothed” to very young children. Yes, it’s super creepy. Yes, it’s harmful to young girls at a confused time in their life. But I honestly think Smeyer didn’t see the harm, she’s just a moron who spun her supposed fantasies into publishing gold.
    I still have to whole-heartedly agree with the statement “God damn you, Stephanie”

    • Oh, God, the Sword of Truthiness. You know, as bad as Twilight is, at least I’m not reading Goodkind.

      That said, I do understand where she was TRYING to go. She just missed it by, um, a wide margin. Not made better by the fact that in Breaking Dawn Jacob manages to fall in love with a seven-year-old-who-looks-eighteen. Ugh ugh ugh ugh

      • fingoforever Says:

        I wish I hadn’t read Goodkind. I like the tv show for sheer nerd fun (and incredibly hot cast members) but the book is just…. Bad. And Badly Written. And Wrong. In So Many Ways.
        And Breakin Dawn… what a Travesty. A Crime Against Humankind.
        Somebody call the Hague, because there have been some human rights violated in the worst ways.
        It makes me seethe on the inside that somewhere out there, someone else read the manuscript, THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD, decided to throw some money at it, and then the authors got frickin’ rich. Literally spinning gold from shit. Or straw. Whatever.

  32. fingoforever Says:

    Oh my god. Sorry for the long post. I didn’t realize 0_o
    Maybe it’s time for a proper forum?

  33. The sexuality in Twilight is so repressed and yet at the same time intensely creepy. In a single chapter we have two characters who are practically engaged giggling over sex like they’re in middle school, followed by a discussion and justification for child grooming. This is disturbing!

    As for the “it’s hard to turn down that level of devotion” comment… does Smeyer live in a world where men and women of approximately the same age and breeding capabilities are never just platonic friends? If I’d known someone my whole life and he was a big brother/father figure, it’d totally freak me out if he started coming on to me when I was “of age”.

  34. Thought I would post this here, ‘cuz it could possibly make some people laugh, and that’s cool.

    http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleglamourmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=21540590&GT1=32023

    Seriously, I almost fell out of my chair when I read this. It was great.

    • Oh, DAMN YOU! You were SOOOOO close! But you dropped the ball! What, are your editors afraid of hatemail or something?
      >_<

  35. Methinks SMeyer realized she was making Edward a colossal jerk and Jacob awesome/likeable, and decided that – rather than reworking what she had already written – she would just make the characters do a 360`.

    Also, augggh the pedophilia. Dx What I find horrifying is that it’s Smeyer saying it’s a-okay through her characters. Never mind the fact that Quil will forever be fifteen years older than Claire, since age has a lot more to do with the mind than physical growth. Has she never heard of ten-year-olds with the physical growth of a forty-year-old?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Or adults who look like children for that matter. My poor sister is just a hair below 5 inches and she’s a high school teacher. Every year, when school begins, the kids file in and ask her, “…Don’t you think you’ll get in trouble when the teacher comes in?” And the one time she decided to wear flat shoes to work, the kids were all shocked, but full of giggles. And throughout class when her back was turned, they snuck up behind her to compare their height to hers. She was so embarrassed and swore never to wear flat shoes to work ever again.

  36. i know i’m late to the party, but i just wanted to say i came to this site a long time ago via Fey Winds and i just want to say a huge THANK YOU for the awesomeness that is this blog. after hearing all the hype (take note i have no TV or internet, i am at the library) i was admittedly curious as to what i was missing. so i borrowed Twilight, read it and wondered the whole time WHY DO PEOPLE LOVE THIS BELLA GIRL SO MUCH??? i’m serious, i was so confused and befuddled by how Bella could possibly be a likable character, i didn’t even get to the part where Edward is such a freaking psycho. I guess i figured it takes a psycho to love a psycho. i was like “i can’t be the only one thinking this, can i?” though, i do find it funny that Edward refuses to turn her into a vampire–“but Edward, don’t you want to be with me forever and ever AND EVER???”
    BTW this is an EXTREMELY DANGEROUS blog to read in a public library. try laughing your brains out while keeping quiet. go on try it!
    Keep the great work:)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Actually, to my experience, libraries can be one of the noisiest places, in spite of the efforts of the librarians.

      • The librarians in my library sing loudly while working and make scary sexual jokes to one another.

        Not quiet in the slightest :-P

  37. Thank goodness you’re back! I missed these recaps so much.

  38. Ah, we’ve pinpointed the exact chapter where Jacob’s personality starts going downhill!

  39. Aside from the whole, this is super creepy angle, I think SMeyer failed to take some other things into consideration. Even if she’s going for the ‘soul mate with love that conquers all boundaries’, it just doesn’t seem practical for big wolfman to imprint on a two year old. At the age of two, there’s YEARS before the girl will get euh, ‘of age’.

    That’s YEARS for all sorts of really bad things to happen to the darling imprintee. Like getting hit by a drunk driver and DYING. Or contracting swine-flu (or whatever hyped up disease is there at the time) and DYING. Or, ironically, killed be a stalker. Anyways. Sure, sure, the werewolf dude will always protect her because she is his own true love, but correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t recall foresight being in the werewolf suite of powers. The girl can go to school like every other day, and get taken out walking from the bus stop.

    Also, what is being big strong and muscular going to do to stop illness related fatalities?

    Anyways, if/after she dies, WHAT THEN? Has destiny/a higher power making sure everything turns out shiny been a theme at all in the books? If it’s just that it’s ‘hard to resist that level of stalker dedication’, there are still a lot of issues.

    On a side note, if I’d been given such a rough tease, I’d have KEPT sleeping on that couch. (Given that I somehow ended up with such a manipulative jerk in the first place.)

  40. alexjaeshaw Says:

    What REALLY makes me vomit about the whole Quil/Claire thing is NO ONE takes into consideration what Claire wants. What if she wants to go to Norway and raise reindeer? What if she wants to work on a crab boat? What if she just DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND HER ENTIRE FREAKING CHILDHOOD BEING HOVERED OVER BY AN OLD MAN WHO IS GOING TO OWN HER?! What if she decides she would rather marry Fred Nobody? Hey what if she’s a lesbian? Is Quil gonna beat and maim and scar her until she LOOOOOVES him?

    I have no words for how much Smeyers disgusts me.

  41. i know it is disgusting but all the twilighters want is a stalker called edward cullen who SPOILER ALERT gets you pregnant and then tries to force you into an abortion which make you get a body guard. that has so many things wrong with it im a little scared that smeyer is such a global force.

  42. exactly. there a far better books about vampires for example the vampire diaries and anna rices.

  43. I have to wonder if we are not giving Smeyer enough credit. I cannot believe she wrote all this crap and was unaware of writing Bella as stupid, codependent, and Ed a creepy and controlling and finding your soulmate when she is 2 and you are 16-17 is ok. Part of me feels like she had to have done this intentionally. I do not want to believe that she really things all this is ok.

    • alexjaeshaw Says:

      Oh it’s absolutely intentional and she absolutely thinks it is okay. What she is describing is the despicable practice of “grooming”, which some Mormons (not all!) practice. Basically a baby girl is picked by an older male to be his wife when she grows up (read: can have a period). She is sent off to spend time with him, to be taught by him, and is conditioned by her parents and this man to understand that he owns her and will be her husband when she grows up. She is taught to have no other expectations than she will grow up and be his. It’s sick, it’s disgusting, and that is absolutely what she is portraying. And in her mind there is nothing wrong with Edward controlling Bella because women are so shockingly stupid that they need a man to order them around.

      • That kind of what I mean. But I was thinking more along the lines of we all thing she is a crapy writer and what if she was trying to make it crapy. Like “How bad can I make this? What kind of crasy stuff can I put in to it and still get it sold?” I my be over thinking this but I want very badly to belive that a book this poorly writen can get published.

        • alexjaeshaw Says:

          Clearly you haven’t seen Miss Meyers being interviewed. She’s quite certain that she is the new Jane Austin.

          • I am very thankful for not having seen, heard or read any Interviews that she had given. I just want to belive/hope that this dribble was not intentional. And I think every writer, in some small way, thinks thet are the next Dickens or Austin.

      • Do you have a source for the “grooming” thing? That’s news to me. I know a lot of Mormons, all over the country, all over the world, actually. This is not something I’ve ever heard of. There might be some bizarre polygamists in Eagle Mountain, Utah who do this sort of thing, I have no idea about them. They have very little in common with people of my faith (Mormon) but they have settled in Utah. They keep themselves cut off from society, living in compounds (they’re the ones you hear about on the news with compounds in Texas.) Believe me, as an independent, 22 year old, non-married female, my family would never, ever consider something like that normal. I’m quite familiar with Mormon culture, and I can think of no one else, besides psycho-Smeyer ,who’d ever think of fixing up a baby girl with an older male. I think nearly every practicing Mormon I’ve ever met or heard of would be repulsed by such a thing. Such actions almost sound like an excomunicatable offense. Sexual abuse of any kind is taken quite seriously, and is reported to legal authorities immediately by members of my church.

        It’s odd to me that people seem to want to trace every detail in Twilight to Mormons. Do all authors suddenly have their entire religions stereotyped by what they write? I mean, if you’ve ever read Breaking Dawn (let’s hope you haven’t) the woman’s got some completely loco details in there. Honestly, I promise it’s not common Mormon practice for women to have their uterus chewed open during childbirth.

        • Kait,
          I think the problem here is not that twilight exposes actual practices of the Mormon church. (though you may discredit any thing i say because i am the daughter of an Ex-Mormon(fyi he asked to have his name removed from the books because he decided he did not believe in the Mormon faith))
          as one who has studied the Mormon church it’s doctrines and history i would have to say that such a practice would be a logical outcome to some of the theological and doctrinal practices and beliefs of Mormonism. i am not saying that these are actual practices or belief systems in Mormonism.
          also the history of the Mormon church (under Brigham young and Joesph smith) would lead logically to an open practice of child grooming. this is not to suggest in any way that the practice does happen has happened or will happen. I have no doubts that mainstream Mormonism will continue to follow its path of being culturally acceptable.
          I think the only thing being said here is that to the outsiders looking in when they hear about the history of the Mormon church and some of the things that have happened in the past (example: Joesph marring a 14 year old girl) they can quickly see the logical out comes.
          I don’t want to get into a debate, because this is not the forum for such a thing i just hope that you can see that some people on the outside of such a religious see some scary possible outcomes. and twilight in some very extreme ways reviles such things.
          one more time i am not suggesting that the mainstream would approve of such a practice.

          • If this is not the forum for such a place, then why did you reply to my post, which wasn’t directed at you?

            Forgive me for being defensive, but you’ve just made the accusation of my church doctrine leading to pedophilia. Just because you can make these leaps in logic from what you’ve studied from history or “doctrine,” does not prove anything. Until you provide evidence of actual doctrine which leads you to the conclusion that this is a “logical outcome,” I will continue on my merry way, loathing Twilight, blissfully happy I have very little in common with Smeyer, barring religion.

            • First please let me assure you I am not trying to paint all mormons with one brush. The practice of grooming, as it was explained to me by a Mormon friend, is outdated, archaic, and, according to her, practiced only by a very tiny sect of the faith.

              I am sincerely sorry if I upset, offended or insulted you. I was simply trying to explain something. No one here thinks Meyers is insane because she’s Mormon. We think she’s just insane in general.

            • I too will apologies for upsetting you. I was not accusing the mainstream modern Mormonism of anything

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