Chapter Seven

Edward creep-o-meter: The big guy gets a reprieve–this is Rosalie’s chapter!

Rosalie comes into Bella’s room, and asks to talk.

“He so rarely leaves you alone,” she said. “I figured I’d better make the best of this opportunity.”

Ugh God why doesn’t anyone see what’s wrong with this.

Rosalie wants to talk about how she became a vampire, and why Bella shouldn’t. Are you ready? Okay, here goes:

In the 30’s, Rosalie’s fiancee and a bunch of his friends gang raped her to death, so Carlisle found her dying (somehow), bit the crap out of her, and made her a Vampire Girlfriend just for Edward.

The reason Bella shouldn’t become a vampire is because then she couldn’t have babies.

For those of you at home playing “Severe Character Dysfunction Bingo,” you can count the two of those as freebies.

I wish I could tell you that more happens in this chapter. But it’s just pages of Rosalie explaining how she used to be a vain, selfish child, and then she was raped to death, and now she’s a vain, selfish vampire. It turns out the reason she saved Emmett from the bear however long ago is because he looks just like the baby Rosalie’s mortal friend had.

So everything Rosalie does is for babies.

Because the only way you can be a real woman is to breed.

I actually liked that Rosalie was a bitch, the only member of this big ridiculously perfect family that wasn’t a God damn saint. And it turns out she’s just another vehicle for Stephenie Meyer’s outdated views on the accepted role of a woman. We at least get to hear a little about how Rosalie hunted down the men who raped her and killed them horribly, but it’s only a little, and it’s completely overshadowed by Rosalie’s pleading with Bella, “oh please think of all the babies you could have!

Rosalie goes a little into how Edward was never into girls, like, at all, not even when they dragged him to the vampire commune in Alaska.

“Even when we first met Tanya’s clan in Denali–all those females!–Edward never showed the slightest preference.”

Okay, first of all, did it really never occur to anyone that Edward might be gay? Call me crazy, but last I heard, one of the key symptoms of gayness is “disinterest in the opposite sex.” I’m just saying.

And secondly, why is Rosalie talking about this like it’s a breeding program? “We put Edward in the pen with Annabelle and the other females, but it just didn’t take. We might try an AI later.”

So, anyway, babies. Have them. Don’t be tempted by beautiful invulnerable near-omniscient immortality. Babies.

THE NEXT DAY

Bella is blowing off Nothing Wrong With Mike for the like, 250th time, when Jacob comes screeching into the parking lot on his Bad Influence brand motorcycle. He shouts “Run!” and Bella makes a break for it, throws herself behind him on the bike, and they escape, while Alice watches in cold fury.

Jacob realized that since Alice can’t See werewolves, she wouldn’t be able to See him rescuing her from them at school the next day.

Seriously, guys, Jacob is freaking rad.

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179 Responses to “Chapter Seven”

  1. Wait, so Rosalee’s fiancee, her husband-to-be… Raped her? With friends? To death?

    WHAAAT? I’m not sure anyone, even Bella, should take relationship advice from this woman. She seems to have incredibly poor choice in men.

    • insertclevernamehere Says:

      I think it was some kind of arranged marriage. Don’t hold me to it though, I only skimmed Eclipse.

    • Yeah, she was supposedly coerced into the engagement by her parents. Yet another strong and independent female to add to Smeyer’s long list, eh?

      The part that cracks me up is when Smeyer has the nerve to mention what different times those were and then hints at how totes strong and independent Bella must be just shocked by Rosalie’s situation. Bella just can’t relate to being manipulated and controlled by someone else.

      • Well, they were in the 30’s, and Rosalie’s parents were looking to make the jump up from middle class to upper class via their daughter.

        And Rosalie very much does what she wants now.

        • This is true. But she still manages to do what she wants while constantly pining for a child to make her a real woman.

          • Well, to be fair, Rosalie also didn’t want Bella to be a vampire because “she didn’t get a choice about it” and because men get to make all the decisions in the family. But still, the fact that Bella is making a conscientious decision kind of throws away Rosalie’s second(?) argument.

            • sociolinguist Says:

              Unless Edward is manipulating her into thinking he’s her perfect eternal mate, and controls every decision she makes. Considering Bella has wanted to go marble for like, two or three books now, and even got the Cullen family to agree with it, and the only reason it hasn’t happened is because perfect wonderful protective Edward says no….

    • Let’s have a Victim Blame Bingo along with the Dysfunctional Character one!

    • sociolinguist Says:

      So it’s her fault she got raped, is what you’re saying? Nothing to do with her fiancee abusing her trust in him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the guy wore a neon “RAPIST” sign on his forehead at their first date and all, I’m just saying it’s not always the victim’s fault.

      • ladyrebecca Says:

        I think the point is more that Rosalee is a woman who was raped by the man she should have been able to trust more than any other. She was raped to death by him and his friends, saved only by becoming what she believed to be a soulless minion of hell, and no where, NO WHERE in the story is there any suggestion that she received counseling for the trauma she went through. An untreated rape victim with homicidal tendencies is not someone I would choose to take relationship advice from. Not because she was raped but because she had borne the burden alone (and no, a loving partner doesn’t “undo” the damage of a rape) and that is not the healthiest place to be.

        And it’s NEVER the victim’s fault. Ever. A rape happens because a rapist stepped into the picture. That’s it. You have a person who is not being raped and with the addition of a rapists, they are. IT. IS. NEVER. THE. VICTIM’S. FAULT. EVER.

        Just making sure we all understand that. :) Nothing like some heavies after the lightness of mocking Twilight, eh?

  2. I love (pre-character raped by Meyer) Jacob. :D

    Seriously, why don’t the hoards of relatively modern teenage girls see something wrong with having a boyfriend who stalks you, kidnaps you, won’t let you have male friends and won’t ever leave you alone? Edward should star in either a horror movie or a segment on a daytime talk show, for real. Sir sparkles is a creep.

  3. ………WHAT

    We go from not being able to even mention sex “Have you ever…you know..tee hee!” To “LOLZ yeh I wus gang raeped. Babies.”

    ……Good lord. Now I am thinking SMeyer knew someone who was raped and was trying to face that reality in her books. But I can’t think like that, I’d actually have some sympathy for her.

    Must remember the last 2 books of utter TORMENT!

    And yeah, a woman’s world revolves around her womb. Naturally.

    This is so……random. For a while it was just BAD but not it’s random AND bad.

    And yeah- Jacob rules. Too bad he’s gonna get SHAFTED!

    • Your second point– that Smeyer knew someone who was raped– I don’t think that’s the case. I really don’t.

      I think, at this point, she decided that she’s gonna move away from the cutesy pine-sol clean world she’s been living in and try to do something dramatic and dark.

      It’s ultimately: “Why is Rosalie (supposed to be) a bitch?” Ooh! I know! She was raped! That explains her independence and intelligence!

      Honestly, what pisses me off is Carlisle. This woman was horribly brutalized, so he’s going to force her to live forever with a memory of the event that will never, ever fade (and even better, that is her ONLY memory of her previous life that will never fade, even a little) and unable to go on with her life to do the one thing she wanted to do (gnoring Rosalie’s 50’s housewife mentality). And WHY does he damn her to an eternity of misery? So his son can have a TOTALLY HAWT girlfriend. His son, whom he turned against his will, and who has so far shown absolutely no interest in Rosalie or anyone else of the female persuasion. Why? So the one thing that gave her any self-worth in life (her beauty) can be completely shattered, because she’s obviously not pretty enough to even arouse a flicker of interest in her forced soulmate.

      Ladies and gentlemen, I give you sadism in its most pure form.

      The devil has a name, and it is Carlisle.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        As long as I don’t read it for myself, I like the characters because I only picture it in my head the way we’d like it to be written. Clinically insane man with a god complex, a terribly traumatized chick, and an emotionally numb dude (showing a faint hint of being likable until Bella shows up). Now where’s Esme and her battered woman syndrome?

        • I think that if someone wrote Twilight like that (I’ve been imagining it) it would be a great read! Like those “ranked” and “Impulse” books. (Sorry, can’t remember the name…)

      • Also edward seems to have no empathy towards Rosalie, even when she was raped and turning to vampire. She was listening to edward talk in a mean way about rosalie when she was changing. Didn’t edward hear her thoughts? She was listening on every word and that was the last thing she needed after her trauma.
        I like rosalie for going out and getting her revenge for her horrible trauma, as compared to bella curled up in fetal position to die after being dumped

    • Of COURSE a woman’s life revolves around her womb. ’tis called the menstrual cycle.

  4. I’m rereading them right now, and it’s painful for me this time. I don’t like ANY of the characters now.

    Jacob sounds cooler when YOU talk about him.

  5. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    …Oh for the love of crap!

    Smeyer’s writing is making me embarassed to be a woman. -____-

    • Ditto, dear sister. Here’s another reason to add to your list of “I’m Never Having Kids:” STICKING IT TO SMEYER! Lol. She’s indoctrinating all these teenagers. And you wonder why the American teenage pregnancy rate has spiked in the last few years. NO MOAR BEHBEHS! ;-)

      • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

        It almost makes me want to trade in my vagoo.

        • O.O

          What would you trade it for?

          *cracks up laughing*

          That’s just… just a fantastic idea. I shall trade my reproductive organs for a new laptop, the Sims 3, The 30 Days of Night series, everything so much as sneezed on by Neil Gaiman…

          Bye bye, babies!

          • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

            I think I’d trade it in for a hedgehog, a new hd flatscreen tv, and the largest hardrive available so I can stick it into my PS3, and a life-sized My Little Pony.

            Farewell babehs!

            • You see, now I want a hedgehog.

            • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

              All it takes is one vagoo.

            • That gives new meaning to the song “The Hedgehog Can’t Be BUggered at All” (I know it from Discworld because of Nanny Ogg) commonly called “The Hedgehog Song.”

              Actually that would be amusing and probably right, since your trading in your reproductive organs.

          • Deanderthal Says:

            At this point, I’d trade all the inside ones for a nice hot grilled cheese sandwich.
            Or maybe I’m just hungry.

            (I would want to keep the outside-y parts: I like having sex thanks… :P)

  6. Edwardo’s heart breaks every time he must turn away a lovely boy, for he is trapped in this nightmare of women and vampires and NOT ENOUGH GLITTER.

    Also, when did vampires = captive pandas?? Smeyer, you are very very far from the way pandas do things. Although I heard that pandas have millions of razor-sharp teeth that they use like a hacksaw to cut through bone, candy and fences.

  7. Long time reader, first time poster.

    Srsly, Jacob, that was just about awesome. It just makes me hate Smeyer all the more for what she does to you later. It’s completely unfair.

    • seriously gotta agree with yah, nambs. it’s like… wait, Jacob’s being liked? no, naughty injuns! we can’t have that! it’s terrifying.

      Also… i have to comment on the wierd situation smeyer put Rosalie in. hmmm… you just got gang raped, and i’m sure the last thing you want to think about is another relationship, but ah… we made you for this guy. surprise, another arranged marriage! hopefully it turns out better than your last!

      What is wrong with smeyer?

      • Oh god I hadn’t even thought of that. Yeah, and to make matters worse, Edward doesn’t even like Rosalie when that whole thing starts. So her only support network at that point is a deranged Carlisle.

        • Because he’s gay.

          And Bella is either actually a man, or a robot. I’m betting robot, as men actually possess PERSONALITIES.

          I remember reading this chapter :D It’s the only one in the entire stinking quagmire of a “series” that made me smile. I actually approved of a character.

          And then he sexually assaulted Bella. *sigh*

        • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

          But that’s Carlisle’s secret to a happy family: Stockholm syndrome. “What’s that? you’ve just been raped to death by your fiance? Here, let me make you into a mockery of natural life so you can never escape into death and give you a new fiance who is cold and unfeeling. Will he rape you too? Who knows!? That’s part of the fun! Just remember–I am your savior and the only one who loves you now that you’ve been deflowered, you filthy brat. =D”

          • LOL. All that’s in the subtext.

            • GODS that would make these books so much cooler. Seriously. But that’s too dark and menacing and TRUE-TO-REAL-LIFE-HUMAN-INTERACTION for Smeyer.

              I’m ashamed to share a last name with this dumbass

          • The creepy thing is that smeyer was probably writing the story with Stockholm Syndrome in mind… Apparently she likes a little alternative music and has thanked the likes of MUSE (awesome band, awesome lyrics… my love for them will continue even tho they have inspired this drivel)… anyway their album Absolution (their biggest release in the states in 2006) and surprise surprise there is a song titled STOKHOLM SYNDROME…. Also the first song on their Origin of Symmetry album is titled NEWBORN… I really really hope that they are getting paid royalties…

            I am thinking WAY too much about this,…..

  8. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    … Okay, admittedly she’s had like… 70-80 years to get over the trauma, but seriously… When you’re gang-raped (by your FIANCEE and his FRIENDS of all people) and made into a vampire right after, your first thought should not be “OH NOES! NOW I CAN’T HAS BABIES!” Even factoring in the 70-80 years of rehabilitation, I can’t see how it would be realistic for her to be so fervent in having babies. Furthermore, shouldn’t the whole ordeal of human-vampire transition be additional trauma to this big trauma-fest?

    Lemme just throw out a question for you guys.

    *cue cheesy game-show announcer voice* You were just gang-raped by a man you trusted and were intending to spend the rest of your life with and put through days of sheer agony right after by a guy who thought he was saving you and forcibly paired with his other captive! What are YOU going to do next?

    • Rip off the heads of everyone involved, and go on my merry way!

      This would include Carl. And Eddie. This is why I could never have written this kind of travesty. EVERYONE WOULD BE DEAD. Well…. deadER. Ended. …I’ll stop there.

      • Actually, that sounds like the most reasonable answer here. Kill Carlisle for what he did, burn the pieces, and then go off and kill anyone else who seems to fit the rapist profile.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Until you get caught by Batman anyway. …Would totally be worth it just because of that though.

          • IT WOULD!!!

            If Batman caught me, I would definitely go willingly. It would possibly make my entire eternal life.

            Because Batman rules.

            Excuse me, my geek is showing :D

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Honestly, I’d break out of Arkham as many times as possible just so he could catch me again. And every time, I’d ask for his autograph… or at least if I can keep the bat themed handcuffs and tracking device.

    • I’d lament my inability to procreate, of course! What planet are YOU on? I personally intend to get married at eighteen (so I’d better hurry up – only three months left) and have my first child before my twentieth birthday. Because this is how real women behave.

      And then we have mid-life crises, go into therapy, and publish our therapy diaries after adding sparkly vampires.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Therapy always adds color to ones life~!

      • You say this, but one of my cousins? THAT WAS HER EXACT GOAL.
        Minus the therapy and vampires. Because vampires are unholy.
        And to make things better, she married a guy twenty years her senior.

        • Your cousin has frightened me a little bit…

        • sociolinguist Says:

          I knew a girl who was abused by a very Edward-like dude for a couple of years. The whole thing — belittling her, reading her email, stealing/breaking her stuff, intimidating/threatening her, kidnapping her, etc. One of the many times that I helped her escape (and then watch her walk right back into his arms in a matter of hours), she acknowledged that their “relationship” was horribly awful and all, and her Great Idea for solving the problem was….

          …to marry him and have kids. That’s what she thought would get her out of that jam. The mind boggles.

          Thankfully, she didn’t go through with it, and she finally dumped the guy for good a while back. But now she’s on Team Edward–I’m serious–so apparently nothing has changed. Knowing her, I’d bet she’s already in the process of finding another rapist and imprinting on him. This time, though, I won’t answer her calls when she changes her mind. She’s put me through enough already (the last guy threatened me too).

          Long story short, I can relate to Bella’s mortal friends who gave up on her a long time ago.

    • When human change to vampires their personalities at the time of change remains. She was in trauma and had deep impact on her personality.
      Her trauma is frozen. :/ depressing

  9. wow. . . jesus H. fucking christ that is… bad. I had to double take on the whole raped *zoom* babies, that is beyond wrong.

  10. Kudos to Rosalie for messily killing the bastards who raped her. They deserved it.

    And minus Kudos to Rosalie for only thinking about her inability to have babies. For serious, woman. Get ON with your life. It’s been 80-ish YEARS. This is not a fresh wound.

    SMeyer should be smacked around for even THINKING of this scene, much less for actually writing it. I imagine she thought it might put tension into the story. “OH NOES GAIZ, I CAN’T HAS BABIES! MAYB I SHOULD RETHINK THIS WHOLE VAMPIRE THING, KAY?”

    I wish. Instead Rosalie just end up looking like a whiny, outdated version of a woman, and Bella is still a twat. Fail, SMeyer. This scene is an epic fail.

    • I’d like to defend Rosalie here:

      If the other characters were written with personalities, she could get away with being baby-obsessed. It would be the sign of severe mental illness, and make her a tragic and slightly pathetic character (as opposed to a normal SMeyer character, rendering her pathetic by default). It would also explain her and Emmett fucking constantly.

      It’s not beyond the bounds of possibility, people, come on. She’s raised to think all she should do is have children, she’s raped, murdered and turned into a vampire, and to keep herself in a state resembling SOME kind of sanity, she fixates on the notion of motherhood.

      Can we rewrite SMeyer’s characters? I’ll do Rosalie. Who wants Alice?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Also to defend Rosalie or at least a little bit.

      There is no end of life in sight for her. And with a “family” like hers, I wouldn’t blame her too much for wishing she could have children just so that she wouldn’t have to spend the rest of eternity alone with those cardboard cut-outs (with the possible exception of Alice, but I guess I can excuse that as “her perkiness disturbs Rose”).

      But I will agree that her fervor is abnormal and unhealthy. If it were anyone else, it’d probably be like “:( *sigh* … It’s kinda lonely without smiling kiddie faces around here… I always fantasized about having children too… …I wonder if Mythbusters is on.”

      • The fact that her only reason Bella shouldn’t be perfect, beautiful, immortal, super-powered, and, essentially, angelic, is because Bella wouldn’t be able to have babies.

        I still can’t get past this. “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS?? … or children?”

        • I’ll take “WTF kind of obvious question is that!?” For 400, Alex.

          • By the same token, (also in Rosalie’s defense, I can’t believe I’m doing this) in a sense you always do want what you can’t have. In a normal set of relationships, she’d have been surrounded by supportive people who’d have helped her move on with her life and be accepting of who she is.

            Instead, she gets stuck with the twisted family of the Cullen clan who are all about denying their true nature – a predator designed to prey upon humans. In that setting, wouldn’t you latch on to your own concept of what separates humanity from you?

            … damn. That turns her into yet another female victim instead of a strong character. Why, Smeyer, WHY?

  11. Rachael A. Says:

    I’m reading Eclipse online to keep up with the updates (thankfully, your recaps help me brace for the awfulness), and I must say – while the contents of Rosalie’s story is interesting, the way it’s written is rather aggravating. People don’t talk in narrative like that; they sum things up, use slang and repetitive vocabulary. They don’t quote every word a person says and describe them in poetic detail. It makes it rather hard to distinguish between Rosalie’s story-telling and Bella’s narrating.

    Also, uuurgh at the baby-obsession. Can’t she adopt or something? Save children from starving to death in Africa?

    . . . Bella kisses Mike on the cheek before running off with Jacob. Dx How much more of a tease can this girl be?

    Jake is love. I feel so bad for him, being trapped in this novel of cliches and Mary-Sues and horrible subtext.

    • Softspoken Says:

      I’m trying, and I can’t decide if adopting / volunteering could work, because I can’t figure out if Rosalie could trust the kids to keep her secret, and could she still keep it a secret from others, or would she just avoid other people completely…

      It’s an interesting concept though.

      • And then there’s the quandary of: would she eventually turn them?

        Actually. A vampire adopting kids sounds really interesting. I don’t think I’ve seen that before.

        Well, never mind, because adopting babies doesn’t count, everyone knows you have to squeeze them out yourself.

        • Actually, this makes me think of a couple books I picked up as a freebies this comic con! Last name was Lewis, and the books were called ‘Staked’ with ‘revamped’ as book 2. Its nice in dealing with a lot of the issues you mentioned in the last couple chapters.

          1. Morality – You have a vampire who was changed unwillingly, and while this guy’s given to bloody psychotic episodes and has a shaky morality, by the second half of the first book, he’s really letting his hatred of vampires outweigh that in the ‘You know what? I hate vampires, and I hate myself, we’re all frikken monsters so die already’ direction.

          2. Adoption – The main character does get around to adopting a couple kids.
          Actually, I LOVED the daughter he adopted when you got around to really meeting her in revamped. Apparently his ‘daughter’ had an eating disorder; she had a tendency to binge eat. This did not improve when he turned her into a vampire himself. Binge eating vampire raised by a daddy with questionable morality.

          The books were light reading and the first book had to grow on me, but once they did, they were fun. Apparently one person described this series as being perfect for people that liked Butcher’s Harry Dresden Files, but thought that Harry was too much of a pushover and not violent enough.

    • Actually, yes, the way Rosalie described what happened got on my nerves immediately. It was like I was just reading Stephenie’s narrative again, only I was supposed to believe a character would say that.

      “‘What did I tell you, John,’ Royced crowed, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer. ‘Isn’t she lovelier than all your Georgia peaches?’
      “The man named John was dark-haired and suntanned. He looked me over like I was a horse he was buying.
      “‘It’s hard to tell,’ he drawled slowly. ‘She’s all covered up.’

      who the fuck relays stories like this. This is not dialogue!

      • Rule #136.5 of writing:

        Each character has a voice. These voices must be distinct, ESPECIALLY when they narrate.

        Smeyer, you fail.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        … I’m glad I’m aiming to be an animator and not a writer, because I totally write like that…

      • Rachael A. Says:

        That section you quoted is exactly when it got completely intolerable for me.

        I mean, it’s one thing for a person to tell stories in detail – my mom’s like that, right down to what outfit she was wearing – but people don’t add dialogue tags when quoting someone. They imitate their voice, they make hand gestures, but unless word-of-mouth storytelling is their profession/hobby, they do not talk in narrative.

        x.x

        • You’re so right…that dialogue is exactly like how Smeyer writes!“he drawled slowly”. It’s awkward when Bella’s constantly using breathed, drawled, crooned, etc. in her narrative, but it’s downright preposterous when someone’s supposed to be saying it out loud. Which is why authors should lay off coming up with creative replacements for said. Nobody freaking talks like that.

          • Unless they’re really eccentric. But I can’t really dub Rosalie as eccentric.

            This dialogue just pissed me off. Seriously. It might have been acceptable if SMeyer had made it a dream sequence, but then we’d have to leave from Bella’s enlightening perspective. Gods forbid.

  12. i love jacob too… he’s really the only thing that redeems the series in any way. before he became a baby loving sob-puss, that is.

    Seriously, I wish this blog could be force read to all the twitards! They’d have to see the light!!!! lol if their brains could still be reached….

    on another note, this thing about babies in breaking dawn is hilarious, so it sorta ties in :)

    • ROFL. Now I need to go find more of those. Because I have nothing better to do with my life, and it was hilarious.

      “I want to have sparkly vampire babies that break my spine when I give birth! That’s BEAUTIFUL!!!”

      ROFL

        • sociolinguist Says:

          I like how, on the hate mail page, somebody wrote in saying that the anti-twilight folks were just jealous because white people are ugly as fuck. It’s a little ironic, considering that Bella (Spanish/Italian for “beautiful”) is white as fuck and Edward (supposed to be the perfectly beautiful man to end all beautiful men) is even whiter. And the only brown guy who’s even in the picture for Bella is stereotyped (by the pasty white author) as a big, violent savage…because that’s not a white-ass way to write a character or anything. I mean, these books are just classic white chauvinism out of the 1800s–or at least the subtext is…

  13. I chose to see it more as Rosalie arguing against Bella having her tubes tied at age 19.

    Kind of a “You don’t think you want children now, but can you guarantee that you will in five years? What about ten?”

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      …That actually makes a great deal more sense! If only Smeyer really wrote it that way…

    • That does make sense, but Rosalie never says “think about it, you’re making an irreversible decision now.” She just says “I always wanted babies and now I can’t have them so don’t become a vampire!”

      • Which makes it sound more like she’s living through Bella. Loverly.

        • Forgetting the fact that she DOES live through Bella in the next book.

          “You had a baby? Well, I hope you die so it shall be MY baby instead! Muahahahaha!”

          Seriously, I was hoping the entire time that the werewolves would rip her to shreds.

      • Hence the reason I said “chose”.

        I was a fan of these books for almost a year, and there was some rationalizing even I wasn’t aware of until I started reading the recaps.

  14. Does it creep out anyone else that Rosalie is married to a man that she only saved because he looks like someone’s baby? That just rubs me wrong.

    • Seems par for the course to me. In hindsight, maybe everyone should have seen the Jacob/Renesmee thing coming.

      • Good point. It’s still really creepy though. Although this whole series is filled with really creepy shit.

        • True enough. Part of me wants to say ‘At least SMeyers didn’t make him the actual baby’, but you know that had to have crossed her mind.

          I’m wondering if the only reason she -didn’t- do that is because of her antiquated ideas about gender roles and she didn’t want Rosalie to be that much older than her husband. After all, a man can be 5, 10 or 80 years older than his wife, but heaven forbid a woman should be a day older than her husband.

          • Hence Bella’s concern of being “all OLD”.

            To quote our beloved Rachel:

            “30. It’s ‘all old’.”

          • Unfortunately, Smeyer actually manages to account for that one. Father Cullen reveals in Breaking Dawn that (shades of Interview with a Vampire) it is illegal to create a vampire so young because they have no concept of self-control and are a danger to the kind because they are perpetually hungry and kill everything in sight.

            • bloodgrave Says:

              That doesn’t really account for it. All SMeyers would have to have done to make him the actual baby was have Rosalie turn Emmett in the fifties instead. He’d still have been turned at the same age, but he’d be technically younger than Rosalie, so that can’t happen because cradle-robbing is only acceptable for the menfolk.

  15. I’m confused by the ‘I saved Emmett because he looked like a baby I knew, lulz’ story.. IMO, Babies pretty much look -exactly- the same and none of them have pronounced enough features yet to ‘look like’ anyone, even their parents at a glance (aside from coloring, obviously). So unless Emmett just looks like a giant, pudgy baby, I don’t really see how she made the connection.

    Now I like to imagine Emmett as a freakish man-baby. lol.

    • Oh my gosh! Emmett as a man baby is a major nightmare fuel image. o.O

      But you’re right, it’d be freakin’ odd for a grown man to resemble a non-related baby.

    • Emmett had the same black curly hair and dimples, apparently.

      Which immediately made me think that maybe he was the same person, but I don’t think that’s going to happen–it’d be a little too messed up and Smeyer wouldn’t be able to portray it that way.

  16. You know, a really creepy way to develop Rosalie’s character in her insane drive to fulfill her maternal instincts would be to have her visit the local maternity ward one night and make off with a new vampire baby. Sure, it wouldn’t be hers by blood. But then again, in a manner of speaking, it would. And it would be her baby forever.

    • Softspoken Says:

      Oh lord. What if it mentally developed while it’s body stayed the same? This is an almost probably lead into a horror story…

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      Ok, this story is from my days working back in Disneyworld:

      There was (probably still is) this couple that came to Disneyworld every year, spending up to and sometimes exceeding $1000 while vacationing there. They’ve been, apparently, doing this for over a decade. If I remember correctly, it may have actually been 2 decades.

      What made this couple the odd balls out was the fact that the wife, having had a traumatic miscarriage when she was younger, carried around a towel that she believed to be her baby. When she set the “baby” down on top of a metal trash can in the Magic Kingdom and one of the Custodial Hosts (i.e. janitors) brought it to City Hall to put in the Lost and Found box, she had a complete breakdown.

      Why do I mention this? Because as crazy as it sounds, a situation similar to Towel Baby would make Rosalie a more interesting character, or at the very least add to her “OMG LIFE IZ BOUT TEH BABEHS” nonsense.

      That plus I can imagine a homemade/handcarved “baby” in her room somewhere when she and Man-Baby Emmet aren’t fucking each others brains out. Apparently.

      • oh gosh, i just had a flash back to Drusilla’s bedroom in the second season of Buffy. and it so could work, (at least i think) Rosalie could have a shelf covered with dolls she talks to and treats like her own babies. she is holding miss Editha and says to Bella, “if you becum like meh, you can only have babies like miss Eadith here see?” complete with creepy accent. complete with white Victorian gown and everything.

      • sociolinguist Says:

        OK, just out of curiosity, when you say City Hall, do you mean Orlando city hall, or was there actually a place on the Disney World compound called “City Hall”? Cause that creeps me right the fuck out…their own little government? As if big business doesn’t run our government anyway!

        • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

          It’s a building in the Magic Kingdom. When you first enter the park, you’re walking on Main Street, which leads to the Castle (i.e. the central hub into the other areas of the park).

          City Hall is customer service/lost & found, basically.

    • Actually I have thought of this for — I mean, uh, nondisclosure!

      There are SO MANY WAYS Rosalie could have a child. I’m not sure why popping one out herself is the only way she will be satisfied. With how much (apparently perfect and untraceable) fake paperwork is flying around, she could easily adopt. And it’s not like the kid would really think anything was out of place until the “no such thing as Santa Claus” age. Then it’s just a matter of emotional manipulaI mean love to get the kid to keep its mouth shut re: The Horrible Vampire Secret.

      But nope. Gotta use the womb.

      It still pisses me off that apparently vampire women can’t reproduce but vampire men can.

      • Oh Christ, that hadn’t even dawned on me. Bella gets pregnant thanks to dead!sperm, but female vampires can’t.

        Wow.

        I mean… wow.

        • You see what I mean. The misogyny runs deep in these books.

          • SMeyer covers this!

            You’ll get to it in the fourth book. ALSO: Vampire babies = BAD, and also is covered in the fourth book. I like how SMeyer basically writes each following book in an attempt to explain gross oversights of plot in the previous book.

            WHERE THE FUCK IS VICTORIA?! >:O

            • Let me guess… it has something to do with crystals, extra chromosomes, or some other equally bullshit psuedo-science.

              Also: donno lol

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Hey hey hey. Vicky will show up in due time. Don’t rush villainy.

              (Seriously. While Twi fans are throwing themselves into Bella’s skin for the ultimate romance, I end up hanging around with Victoria. I’m betting that she’s in a hotel or a house somewhere, playing video games or surfing the net, and thinking she really should get around to doing dastardly things. But then again, Bella’s still wetting her pants over her last sighting. Sure, another appearance might give her a heart attack, but then a truly evil villain would prolong her suffering as much as possible. Yeah. Totally. … These lolcats are hilarious.)

            • “Males require no change whatsoever to produce sperm, but females must physically change to bear children, so only males can have children but only with human females.”
              -http://twilightsaga.wikia.com/wiki/Vampires

              Good god, I can’t believe I actually looked this shit up. I think the trouble with “immortal children” has been touched on in this blog, or comments. And it holds some story weight. But it’s irrelevant to the misogyny of the books. The fact still remains that vampire ladies can’t be popping out new vampires via the womb.

            • LOL. Breaking Dawn was SMeyer trying to explain every vast plot hole she’d left in the previous “books”! I’d never thought of it like that!

              Victoria is with me. I’m taking a stand and evacuating all the characters with potential from Twilight. She comes first.

              Bella’s gonna get very lonely.

            • vampire babies = bad because all they want to do is kill things because they’re babies and don’t know any better. so they just go around mercilessly slaughtering everyone because they’re hungry and have no sense of right or wrong because they’re infants and can’t actually think. yeah.

      • maybe it’s really not having a baby or raising children that Rosalie wants so badly.
        maybe it’s just being pregnant. some kind of pregnancy fetish taken TOO FAR.

        …. hunh
        character rewrite: maybe she was late term pregnant when she was turned, and subsequently lost the baby; now she perpetually feels this gaping emptiness in her. that she thinks could be filled with children; leading her to believe her neurosis is all about actually having children, instead of pregnancy itself

        • bloodgrave Says:

          This actually made me wonder about something. Now, this may not be accurate since A, I’ve never read the books and B, I’ve never had a child, but..

          If Vampire bodies never evar change and that’s why they can’t have babies, shouldn’t Bella’s body have been stuck in a post-birth transition stage since she was changed the during (or seconds after) birth? If pregnancy counts as a bodily change no-no, shouldn’t recovery from pregnancy be as much of a change? So shouldn’t she be stuck with a protruding belly, enlarged boobs, etc… For eternity? I mean, it takes a while for the body to return to its natural non-pregnant state, right?

          • well, as turning into sparklepires apparently heals all (I believe that’s why Edward changed Bella when he did), it would make sense that Bella’s stomach would heal over from being shredded. and without a baby in it, it also would make sense for the body to heal the stomach flat.
            considering she was pregnant for what, like a month? I guess she didn’t really have time to put on a lot of “baby fat”

            I don’t see why she wouldn’t still have big swollen pregnancy boobs though.
            possibly lactating
            which would be venom, right?
            vampire boobs oozing venom for all eternity

          • sociolinguist Says:

            Maybe looking for consistency in this series is the way to madness, but consider that Carlisle phased those other vamps over when they were on their deathbed, but they don’t stay sick forever–in fact, they seem to magically get better and stay better. I’m not saying there’s an explanation for it, I’m just saying it fits the pattern.

            • I guess, but I don’t see why pregnancy would be considered an ‘injury’, just another physical state. If it ‘cured’ her post-pregnancy body along with her injuries, where does that stop? At what point does the magic voodoo of vampirism consider someone ‘healthy’? If it restores her to a perfect, pre-baby state, does Bella get her virginity back too? Does she get it back EVERY time? Ow.

              As some people said, it makes sense for her stomach, but I fully support the idea that Bella should have enlarged, venom-lactating boobs forever. Go karma!

      • I just thought of something…if Rosalie wanted a baby so desperately, why didn’t she IVF with some human sperm donor and use a surrogate mother? Seriously, her eggs are still kicking around in their seeing as she hasn’t had a period in 70+ years, and that bullshit about vampwoman’s bodies not changing will be totally irrelevant. Then she could have her own little Mary-Sue child–I mean vampire-human hybrid baby.

        You would think that someone as baby-starved as Rosalie would’ve come up with that by now…but noooo.

        • That might have something to do with parts of right-wing christianity being against IVF.
          I don’t know, but are LDS against IVF? Does anyone know this fo sho?

          • As somebody raised and surrounded by Mormons, I can tell you for a fact they don’t have anything against IVF. I’ve had Mormon family members and friends who wanted to get pregnant and used in vitro.

    • I like to think that behind the scenes (where all the actually interesting parts of the story that smeyer didn’t bother to write happen) Rosalie is killing parents and stealing babies, which she then loves to death. Literally.

      There is so much in these books that a real author would have made something fantastic out of. Pretty much everyone has a more interesting backstory than anything that happens in the main “plot”. Heck, Jasper was in wars. *Vampire wars*

      And what the heck was Emmet doing that he was attacked by a bear? As I understand it, encountering a bear is pretty unlikely unless you do something really dumb.

  17. Deanderthal Says:

    I was always creeped out thinking too much about Vampire Sex: how do the guys get erections? That requires, you know, blood flow.

    And if he’s diamond hard on the outside – are parts of her diamond hard on the inside? Or is she still, um, fleshy? And if so, wouldn’t that hurt like a mofo to have a giant diamond up in there?

    Oh but wait, I forgot, sex is passionate and lovely but only behind closed doors. Silly me.

  18. Crazyfishie Says:

    I seriously find the comments on this recap very amusing. “BABEHS!!”

    I finally watched the New Moon trailer (might as well since it’s gonna show up on my TV eventually) and I gotta know:

    Am I the only one who thinks Laurent is so much hotter than Eddie? I mean, Mr. Sparklepants always looks like he’s on drugs! But that might be Rpattz’s fault. Seriously, I went through a mini bio book about him at the book store and in EVERY PICTURE HE LOOKS STONED.

    Then again, maybe it’s Laurent’s dreads. I love seeing black guys with kickass dreads. They’re sexy XD

    Too bad he had to go and die off-screen. Fucking Smeyer can’t kill someone to our faces.

    • Let’s just face it. He’s a minor character, so he’s awesome, because people aren’t obsessed with making him HAWT. Just like Nothing Wrong with Mike.

    • sociolinguist Says:

      OK, seriously, how come everyone we’re supposed to dislike is written into a racial stereotype? Jacob is a big angry savage who can’t control his temper, Laurent is a dready criminal black guy who wants to kill perfect saintly Edward with his beautiful white marble skin. WTF?

      • Laurent wasn’t black in the books. He was a white man with blonde hair.
        The only characters who are non-white are the wolves (scary injuns), and a few of the vampires from Breaking Dawn (and all the non-americans are “weird”- Vlad, Amun, Alistair…).
        Or the stereotype Latino maid on Isle Esme who is superstitious and a maid.
        Seriously, these stereotypes are baaaaad.

        • Yeah, I was gonna say that. She wrote that he was black in the books.

          I had completely forgotten about the maid from Breaking Dawn. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was trying to block it from my mind forever.

    • Laurent in the film is really foxy. ^^
      But he didn’t have those epic dreads in the books. :{
      I love how they had to shove actors from non-white backgrounds into the film to make it less racist.

      • sociolinguist Says:

        And then you have Avatar, where they made the characters white for the movie so they could sell it to white people.

        WTF America.

  19. I do too. I’ve always felt bad for all the nothing-wrong-with Mikes of the world who are now going to get the shaft. Poor souls.

  20. MildlyAmused Says:

    Long time lurker, first time poster (Wow, that sounds like and AA meeting).

    On top of what everyone else has said, I’d like to point out a plausible (but horribly sad) explanation for Rosalie’s baby fever…it was all she had.

    Her family forced her into a loveless marriage, so like many women of the time period she was looking forward to children to fill the void of love in her life. Then she’s raped to death and given to a man that ALSO doesn’t love her. She’s substituting the word “love” with “babies” which is so so sad. :(

    • Only problem with that theory is that Meyer isn’t smart enough to give Rosalie that much of a character. It’s more like “AND SHE GOT RAPED SO SAD NOW SHE CAN’T HAVE BABIES BWAHHHHH!”

  21. I just needed to say something about something you reviewed on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the first book when Bella ran into those gang bangers and edward picked her up. I thought you would be all over the whole “stalking” thing, because he was following her all night -.-

  22. Thank you so much for writing these.

    I’m a 15 year old girl. EVERYONE my age loves Twilight. It’s insane. So now, i can fight back with real arguments :D
    Like the one about how long it takes to get to Italy.

  23. ladyrebecca Says:

    Just a quick note…I really preferred Jacob to Edward. I mean, I’m an adult. i don’t like skinny (though more chiseled than noticed at first glance), hairless, pretty boys. I like big, strong, burly, men. And Jacob is so much more manly than Edward. Of course, Jacob is a tool, too but he’s so much more likable. Like the fact that his mistakes are the mistakes of a 16 year old and Edward’s are the creepy “mistakes” of a 107-year old. Frickin’ cradle robber. At least Jacob’s pedophile friend is only robbing the cradle by 2 decades instead of the 8 that Edward’s doing.

    Ewwww…I need to go shower in Lysol for a while and maybe pour some bleach in my brain…or maybe gasoline and set it on fire to stop the memories of four of the worst books I’ve ever willingly put myself through. Ugh.

  24. ladyrebecca Says:

    Okay, one more thing…the whole vampire men having babies thing.

    Um…sperm have to be made. There is a constant change happening in a man’s body to make new sperm. Maybe Edward wasn’t having sex for so long because he knew he only had a couple of shots of viable sperm and didn’t want to waste them on a chick who’d make him use protection. So he was saving those boys up…not even jerking off in the shower. It explains the psychosis…at least a little.

    What it doesn’t explain is how such a crappy author got so popular for writing such pure horse shit. I am seriously considering stealing the series (can’t buy them or it supports the crazy) and using them for toilet paper. Seriously…that’s an awesome idea. Maybe I could make pinata’s out of them and then I’d get to hit the book with a stick until candy fell out. At least I’d get something out of them. :)

    • Now I’m getting images of Edward waking up after a particularly stimulating dream and screaming, “NOOOOOOO!!”

      Also, I think men also lose some sperm when they urinate. But.. Maybe Edward doesn’t have to do that?

      • That is interesting… because in the stupid mmidnight sun book, Edwardo comments that he has to gagg up the pizza he chewed on… perhaps they don’t use the bathroom… in fact i don’t remeber getting a paragraph or a sentence about stupid cheeseburger having to use the bathroom – we hear about every other mundane part of her day, why not when she has to go potty???

  25. nsanelilmunky Says:

    I’m beginning to wonder if it is actually Steph Meyer that is writing this crap. These stories are just so male dominated that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her husband and he was having her pose as the author so he wouldn’t look chauvinist.

    • I think then we’d have a reverse of the descriptions- the guys wouldn’t be so amazingly, glitteringly, musclingly, adonisinly described. And the girls would all wear tight clothing and there would be a few bombs and maybe a helicopter chase… shit, this sounds like fun.

  26. I think my name says it all. I know it’s been almost a year and over a thousand comments have told you the same thing, but let’s keep it going. You’ve kept me alive during finals week

  27. iCrimson Says:

    So, Rosalie lived in the 30’s. And was rich. Because her dad owned a bank. In the Great Depression. Where Banks collapsed.

    Hm, that makes sense.

    Also, had three interesting conversations today. All of them with classmates that like Twilight. One said she hated the movie Eclipse because it was boring as hell and she couldn’t understand how they were going to make Breaking Dawn into two movies if nothing at all happened in the books.

    Another classmate, when resented with the BABEEHZ and the COSMIC SUPERPOWERS OF AWESOMENESS dilemma, said she would rather die for a baby that came from her own womb than adopt or whatever. ‘Cause REAL women do not adopt, a statement I resent since I’m adopted and I think my mother is a REAL woman. Take that, smeyer.

    And my last conversation was about Wardo’s creepiness and the fact that he’s abusive as hell. My classmate agreed, but said she would like to ‘have a boyfriend like Edward, but without the controlling-abusive tendencies’. Another classmate said, ‘but if he’s not abusive and/or a control-freak, then your boyfriend wouldn’t be an Edward at all.’

    I lol’ed.

  28. Mackenzie Says:

    Hey i think you should do a recap of smeyers other book, host. Iv heard its just as bad

  29. getting rid of bats…

    Chapter Seven « Yes, I Read It. It’s Still Stupid….

  30. I wish this recap would get updated :(

  31. Torrents…

    […]Chapter Seven « Yes, I Read It. It’s Still Stupid.[…]…

  32. Thanks for sharing your info. I truly appreciate your efforts and I am waiting for your further post thanks once again.

  33. What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this site daily, this site is really good and the people are really
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