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Chapter Nineteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

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Chapter Seventeen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I know you guys were really worried that Victoria was waiting in Bella’s home, ready to eat her, so I’ll save you some tension. Alice is standing in the living room, looking incredibly confused to see Bella.

Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, crying out her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Then of course, she starts crying, and Alice has to carefully extricate herself, on account of Bella smelling delicious and Alice being stupid and thirsty.

For once, in the year since the Cullens left, Bella now feels like everything is okay. Oooookay. Vampire addiction much?

Also, Alice wants very much to know why Bella is still alive. Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her fall–she corrects her with “I saw you jump.” She’d warned Edward that this would happen, but he was convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise to not do stupid things. Edward doesn’t know Bella very well.

Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the suicide of his daughter. Only, uh, here she is. Bella insists she wasn’t trying to kill herself, it was just for fun, and Alice flat-out doesn’t buy it. And besides, didn’t Alice see Jacob jumping in to save her?

Remember how Alice is most sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what. She can’t see werewolves. Yes, werewolves are invisible in her visions. Their only predator, the only other thing that can take them out, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted.

How ridiculously convenient for the plot, wouldn’t you say?

This comes up after Bella finally spills the beans that Jacob is a werewolf (so much for keeping the secret). Even though none of the vamps ever said word one about werewolves and how they’re dangerous and how they can kill vampires, Alice knows enough about them to know that they have a stupid short temper and young ones, especially, are known for loosing it.

Oh, P.S., Victoria is here trying to kill her. Why Alice didn’t have visions of that is beyond me. And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves trying to save Bella. Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring her here?

…Does Alice want Bella to die? OMG please say yes

Bella relates the whole story, sans her Edward hallucinations. Alice comments on how Bella must not be doing so hot now that they’ve left, and she’s all “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Alice mentions in passing that maybe she shouldn’t have come, and Bella has a panic attack, throwing her arms around the vampire again and begging her not to leave.

This girl needs some serious medication.

Jacob calls at this moment to check to see if Bella is still alive. When she confirms, he hangs up on her. HA! I love this kid.

Uh, let’s see. Alice is in this chapter, which you’d think would please me a great deal, but it’s still incredibly boring. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apolgizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.

Yawn.

Bella wakes up to Charlie and Alice talking about her in the kitchen. Charlie explains that for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything, and wouldn’t move. (Despite that Bella explains she only missed one day of school during her period of depression). He didnt let the doctor see her though, because he was afraid it would scare her. Riiight. Renee came up from Florida after that to take her back with her, but as soon as they started packing clothes, Bella snapped out of it, and threw a fit, screaming about how she could never leave. Ooookay. After that, she would move and eat and you know, sustain herself, but she broke all her CDs, she didn’t read or watch TV, and she never called her friends back. Hey, her friends actually gave it an effort! So I guess I can agree with their decision to just give the hell up on her. Oh, also, she screamed in her sleep. Did we ever mention that?

Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathise with how much she truly loved Edward, but she’s just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors, period. Someone should have checked her into a ward a long, long time ago.

Psychiatry is for everyone, Bella.

Charlie clearly blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent, like, you know, physical or emotional abuse. I mean, every girl goes completely catatonic for a week after they get dumped, right?

“Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.” His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…

Sooooo sick of how truest of true lovingly truly loved she was. You two had nothing in common. He berated you, insulted you, controlled you, used you, and let’s be honest, you only loved him because he was gorgeous.

Augh.

Charlie and Alice both sound like they’re pretty fed up with Edward, at least, which I can appreciate. Bella decides to pretend to wake up at this point. Charlie leaves for the res to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.

“My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”

Snap. Life basically sucks for Alice. But do you see her curling up in a ball, sobbing and vomiting everywhere? No. Why weren’t these books about Alice?

Uh, Bella does chores. It’s… it’s really awesome, you guys. There’s a ring at the door, and since Alice can’t See who it is, they assumed werewolves. God, Alice, your power really sucks.  Alice vacates as Bella goes to check the door.

And now I am finally caught up.

Chapter One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My excellent friend Lukas has lent me his copy of New Moon. I didn’t ask why he had a copy of New Moon, and he agreed to let me write all over it. It’s a fair trade, I think.

And so, we begin.

Chapter One is a recap chapter, and with it comes all the glories and hardships of trying to sum up Twilight in less than 30 pages. You were all there, you saw what happened, but I’m going to recap the recap anyway.

The chapter starts off with a dream Bella has about being a wrinkly gross old lady and Edward wishing her happy birthday. Old people are disgusting! Bella wakes up and we learn that it is, in fact, her birthday. We are treated to 30 pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is now that she’s 18 and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet.

Bella, it turns out, is one of those people who absolutely hates it when people celebrate their birthdays. I know that these people exist in real life–I am dating one, much to my chagrin, and not wanting a birthday is sort of analogous to not liking fun, in my opinion. But we make do. It took a few years for him to even start letting other people know when his birthday was, and it took me a few years to learn that he wasn’t going to want to party hard. Much like my boyfriend, Bella hates attention and people doting on her. Even though she likes that Edward is so super-obsessed with her. I’m sure.

Bella drives herself to school. My eyebrows quirk. She drove herself? What’s going on here? Edward and Alice are waiting for her there, Edward as boring and gorgeous as he was in the last book, and Alice her adorable self, holding a silver box. Bella is like so totally embarrassed. She doesn’t want any presents, you guys! Not to mention she’s in a terrible mood because 18 is like so old and she’s going to be wrinkly any day now. Bella drops the hint that this is what’s upsetting her so much, and Alice tries to lighten the mood.

“Eighteen isn’t very old,” Alice said. “Don’t women usually wait til they’re twenty-nine to get upset over their birthdays?”

“It’s older than Edward,” I mumbled.

ANYTHING NOT EDWARD IS UNGOOD.

But Edward was dead set against any future that changed me. Any future that made me like him–that made me immortal, too.

An impasse, he  called it.

I couldn’t really see Edward’s point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing–not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.

And, ever so casually, Bella addresses my single greatest complaint about Stephenie’s stupid “vampires.”

Oh well, anyway. Alice asks Bella when she’s going to be up at “the house,” to which Bella immediately gets angry. She didn’t want a party! No party! No birthdays! NO FUN. BELLA IS VARY GROWNUP. She tries to come up with a few excuses for why she can’t come over, finally settling on “I have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class.” Edward agrees, saying he’ll just drag her to Chez Cullen at seven, so Alice has more time to set up.

Bella tries to argue with Edward, but, as usual, he convinces her to shut up and he gets his way.

They go to class. Now they have every class together. Bella makes an offhand comment about how “it was amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to do for him.” Silly women, so easily manipulated. I guess none of them are lesbians.

Mike, by the way, has lost some weight, and is purposely trying to style his hair like Edward’s. I grabbed a pencil and wrote “UGH” right next to this sentence. Sorry, Lukas.

We are treated to some exposition about how Bella is not used to getting presents, because she grew up po’, on her mom’s kindergarten teacher salary. Hold up here. Mom has a job, suddenly? And wait, now Bella does too. I’m confused. Am I still reading a Twilight book?

Wait, kindergarten teacher is one of those pre-approved made-for-women jobs. I see through your ruse, Smeyer.

Anyway, you guys, Edward is like so rich. He and Alice play the stock market, cause she can like, see the future, you know? So he’s like totally loaded. But Bella refuses to let him spend money on her. That’s like, so unfair, you know? Because he’s so perfect already, she has so little to offer in return. Never mind that if he started buying everything for her, too, I would probably just start sobbing incoherently.

Edward and Alice and Bella sit at the same long table as her mortal “friends” at lunch. The mortals largely ignore the vampires, because they can sense poorly written characters their predators. The other vamps have, apparently, graduated. Again. Who knows how many times they’ve done this. You know, Forks is exactly one of those small towns someone would end up spending their whole life in. Do the Cullens only come back to Forks after the oldest possible high school classmate has died, to keep the façade?

Sigh.

All right, after being treated to Brief Reminders about how the Cullens are totally vampires and school is sooo boring, Bella attempts to drive herself home. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

I folded my arms, and made no move to get out of the rain. “It’s my birthday, don’t I get to drive?”

“I’m pretending it’s not your birthday, just as you wished.”

That’s right. Edward is only letting her drive because it’s her birthday. I laughed so hard I snorted. He bitches for a while about how much her radio sucks, and then tells her to perk the hell up because it’s her birthday, damn it. They kiss.

Edward had drawn many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent being to keep me alive. Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about such trivial things like that when he was kissing me.

“Be good, please,” he breathed against my cheek.

Women are such base, thoughtless creatures, driven purely by their irrational emotions. It’s a good thing Edward is here to constantly urge her to “be good,” so he can continue to withhold sex as a means of controlling her.

They watch Romeo and Juliet. Edward bitches about what an idiot Romeo is. I find Smeyer’s attempts at irony rather pathetic. At the mutual suicide scene, Edward comments about how lucky Romeo has it, that he can just take some poison to kill himself. We are then treated to about two pages of Edward making light of his own suicidal thoughts. If Bella would have died in that last book (remember, guys? remember how “she fell down the stairs?”), he was planning to kill himself, most likely by going to Italy and pissing off the Volturi, the ruling class family of vampires. Bella is horrified at this, and reminds him that if he had died, he wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself. Are we sure this is a Twilight book?

Dad Charlie comes home, with pizza. Bella asks, hopefully, if Charlie wants her to stay home for her birthday, and he replies that there’s a Mariners game today so he won’t be good company. Awesome, Dad. Your daughter is turning 18 and you’re all “can’t talk game on.” He tosses Bella her gift, a camera (she almost drops it because she’s very clumsy remember guys she’s clumsy), and tells her… you know what, I’m just going to quote it.

“Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn’t been over in a while.” Charlie’s mouth pulled down at one corner.

“It’s been three days, Dad,” I reminded him. Charlie was crazy about Alice.

EWWWWWW EW EW EW EW EW

A teenage girl who brings her friend over and becomes aware that her parent, her dad, her father, has a thing for said friend, would be grossed. the hell. OUT. MUCH LIKE I AM.

Bella seems to think there’s not really anything wrong with this.

So we are reading a Twilight book, after all.

Edward drives Bella in her truck to Chez Cullen, bitching about her truck the whole way. My word, this man is a whiner. He tells her to try to lighten the hell up, since all the vamps in vamptown are super excited for her birthday (apparently they don’t celebrate them anymore.)

You know, I’m sorry to make this so quote-heavy, but you guys have to got to see this.

“So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything that you’d like for your birthday?”

The words came out in a whisper. “You know what I want.”

She’s talking about having a Bite Day, but I’m imagining that they’re talking about sex.

A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. […]

“Not tonight, Bella, please.”

“Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

HEYO!!

Alice doesn’t give her what she wants (not in this chapter at least), but she does decorate one hell of a party. There are paper lanterns decorating the outside, every flat surface inside the house is covered in pink candles and bowls filled with roses. A table near the piano is draped with white, and covered in yet more  candles and roses, and topped with a pink cake and a pile of silver-wrapped presents. Alice is too freaking sweet for words and I think I love her more by the minute.

It was a hundred times worse than I’d imagined.

…God, Bella is an ungrateful bitch.

The first gift is a car stereo, which Emmett is installing at this very moment, so that Bella can’t attempt to take it back. Oh, you. Edward hands her his present, assuring her that he hasn’t spent any money on it. Bella, an idiot, cuts her finger on the wrapping paper.

And all freaking Hell breaks loose as the little twit starts bleeding ever so slightly.

Edward and Jasper slam into each other, knocking Bella into the table. Jasper goes into a blood frenzy. Emmett tries to wrestle with him. Bella realizes that since she fell into a table full of crystal bowls, there is now a huge gash on her arm from all the shattered glass.

So she’s bleeding even more. Oh Lord.

Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm–into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.

All because the little bitch got a paper cut.

Before those of you who are, I don’t know, smart, start to bring up that obviously this means Jasper should be freaking out over any woman who’s on her blooming period, I have some things to enlighten you on.

Stephenie Meyer, it seems, was posed this question several times. If all it takes is a drop of blood from a papercut to send Jasper into a frenzy, how can he, or any of the vamps for that matter, attend a high school where, at best, one in every four girls is menstruating? Instead of just saying “That’s gross and I’m not writing that,” which I would have come to expect and would even have accepted from Stephenie, she said this:

Several girls wanted to know if Edward would have a more difficult time being around Bella when she’s having her period. Answer: Yes, a little bit, but he would never say anything about it–much too much of a gentleman. And Bella would be way to embarrassed to ask. (It’s not the same as a cut, though. It’s sort of “dead” blood, if you get my meaning).

I tried to find this on her website’s FAQ and it seems to have been taken down. Gee, I wonder why. It’s not like you just called nutrient-and-blood-rich uterine lining, the same stuff that is the fuel and fire for the Miracle of Life dead or anything. It’s not like you just proved what a colossal moron you are with that one simple sentence.

This series never fails to deliver.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , on April 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

These are short, and I’m sort of motivated by being done with this garbage.

ADVERB COUNT: 47

Alice has a vision, about Bella. It’s ok, Jasper shows up to calm her down. Whatever the vision is, Alice never says, and Bella thinks she knows anyway, so… we never find out.

They go to the airport. Bella is still trying to plot how to get away from someone who can see the future, and someone who can sense her emotions. Alice explains that her power is a little lamer than most people would assume–she only sees the future of the path the person is currently on. As soon as they change their mind, the future changes. So she’s not handy, or repetitive, just more like a weatherman. For the future.

Anyway, she doesn’t see Bella going into the airport bathroom with two exits and making a break for it, which is what’s important to this paper-thin plot.

Bella hops on a Hyatt shuttle. At the Hyatt, she flags a cab to Mom’s house. Mom’s house is locked, for some reason, and, of course, on the whiteboard inside is a 10-digit number. Let’s give it a ring.

James tells Bella that Mom is perfectly fine (“I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.”) and gives her instructions to the ballet studio Bella already knew she was going to. Bella runs. And falls down a lot. And runs some more.

The ballet studio is closed for spring break, and unlocked. Bella lets herself in, and immediately starts to hear her mom call her name.

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.

“Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.

I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.

There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief. It was Thanksgiving, and I was twelve.

PSYCHE Mom’s fine, the tracker lured you here with a VHS tape! We couldn’t actually put your Mom in danger, that would cause tension.

This is probably the most boring hunter ever.

James appears with the remote, apologizing, but positing that it’s better if Renee wasn’t involved in this. Bella agrees, flooded with relief. James pauses at this.

“You don’t sound angry that I tricked you.”

“I’m not.” …

“How odd. You really mean it. … I suppose you’re going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?” he asked, hopefully it seemed to me.

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.”

James: THIS IS THE MOST BORING HUNT EVER. >:(

He bitches about how this was too easy and he wanted a little more of a challenge. That’s funny, I wanted a little more from THIS PLOT. His bitch turns into a full-blown monologue, I am not even joking. He goes on for the next two pages describing his Diabolical Plan. Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James went there to wait for her, heard her message for her mom (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE), and when he heard Edward had gotten on a plane to Phoenix, knew that it was All According to Plan.

So anyway, he’s going to beat the crap out of Bella, probably kill and eat her, and videotape it to enjoy later when he’s alone. I mean, to torture Edward with. Now that he’s recording, he continues his enormous monologue, bitching some more about how once this vampire totally stole his kill.

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked–I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans–and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions.”

WAIT WHAT

“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatements. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.”

“Alice,” I breathed, astonished.

WHAT

Okay. Let me get this straight.

Stephenie Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character I actually like, so brutal and interesting as “she was a victim of 1920’s mental health care,” and yet, the rest of this 500 page book is full of steaming, hissing mind-poison.

I feel freaking CHEATED. Finding something like this in Twilight ONLY MAKES ME MADDER.

I HATE STEPHENIE MEYER.

I digress.

James bitches some more, because waahhh I didn’t get to eat Alice. He figures letting Clan Cullen keep her in exchange for him eating Bella is a fair deal. I am forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who is clearly the product of the inifinte monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

Yes, I’m comparing Stephenie Meyer to a million monkeys with typewriters.

After whining and whining like a teenager girl, James decides to get on with it and gets to beating up Bella, who only runs as soon as he finishes his monologue. Breaks a leg, cuts her head on some mirror glass, etc. Then she starts to bleed. Here we go!

Vampires, we were explained earlier, and I didn’t feel like writing it down, vampires have a shark-like blood frenzy. As soon as they see it, smell it, taste it, they go nuts and have to make a frenzy check resist the urge to drain the person dry. As soon as Bella starts bleeding, she knows what’s coming, so she lays there in a haze, and tries to shield her face with her hand. Like that’s going to stop a sharkpire.

Oh God oh God I hope he drains her dry.

…I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.

Chapter Twenty, I think the plot was a lie

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 36. Come to think of it, Edward wasn’t in this chapter…

This chapter is called “Impatience,” which I’d say is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid the main character is. I’m impatient that the entirety of this chapter is set in a hotel room where basically nothing happens. I’m impatient that this book isn’t already over.

Bella comes to in a hotel room. Did Edward finally slip her a roofie and–oh wait, no, that’s right, she came up with a stupid plan. Let’s flashback!

Team Get-the-Crazy-Bitch-the-Hell-Out-Of-Town drives like maniacs. I’m not sure how they can pull off going twice the speed limit when neither of the drivers are psychic. Scratch that, I’m fairly certain Jasper is driving since Bella is sitting next to Alice. Women don’t drive in House Cullen.

In the midst of Bella’s angsting, she observes that with how freaking fast they were going, she shouldn’t be surprised that they made a three-day trip in just one. Stephenie, Google maps. Google maps, Stephenie. A vampire driving twice the speed limit, never stopping to eat, sleep, or fill up the car, would make it there in 12 hours. Otherwise, making this trip in three days would require driving for only eight hours a day, like some kind of sissy. And you’re not a sissy, are you?

So they’re in a hotel room. Alice and Jasper stare at the TV without watching it. Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping. We’re all waiting with bated breath for Carlisle’s “ok we killed him lol” call.

During all of this incredibly interesting hotel room action, Bella asks Alice what it takes to become a vampire. Alice hrms about that, saying that Edward wanted her not to say. Edward probably knew that Bella would jump on the first bus to Vampiretown as soon as she could guess how to buy a ticket. Alice relents, because Bella asserts that she has a right to know (I’m not really sure how she figured that), and we are treated to a short dissertation on how vampires are venomous.

“The venom doesn’t kill–it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”

1. The venom doesn’t kill… except to make you a FRIGGING VAMPIRE of course.

2. Right, because the only response anything ever has to pain is to lie there and let something eat them. Pain isn’t a motivator or anything.

“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the  bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”

But Carlisle SAAVVEED THEEMMMM!!!1

So Edward, and then Esme, were in the hospital, not dying of an intensely painful poison… for three days. And nobody noticed? Nobody caught on? Or are you going to tell me Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and nobody noticed him dragging that pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue?

Alice suddenly has a vision of Bella’s childhood ballet studio. Oh wow! Something less boring happened to break the already intensely boring narrative! Who had the bright idea of enrolling Bella in a dance class as a child? Is this where she suffered the head injury that led to her crippling inner-ear disorder?

Alice says this means the tracker’s plans have changed, and he’s going to end up eluding Team Kill-Jerkoff. JUST THEN, the phone rings. Carlisle confirms everything Alice just said. So she’s not really handy so much as repetitive.

Anyway, Carlisle gives the phone to Edward and Alice gives the phone to Bella. They manage to keep from gushing all over each other long enough for Edward to mention that the red-haired woman (Victoria) was trolling around Forks, at Bella’s house, the airport, and her school, trying to dig up dirt. Nobody’s hurt though, because that would cause tension. Edward finally hangs up and Bella gets all stupid depressed again.

The ballet studio Bella went to is just down the street from her mom’s house, and suddenly she’s all concerned that the vampire-woman was able to get a hold of her school records. Because Forks is a singularly stupid small town and would certainly give Bella’s records to a crazy red-headed hippy with leaves in her hair. So Bella calls Mom from Alice’s cell, leaving a message to call her back. And uh.. then the vampires stare at the TV some more, and Bella falls asleep, because apparently not even she can take much more of this.

Something had better start actually happening here soon. James, I’m counting on you to kill this little twit.

Chapter Sixteen has a tragic past

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 33 (only because most of the chapter is dialogue. That’s right. I haven’t been counting adverbs in dialogue. Think of how ridiculous the counts would be then.)

I am hereby retiring the Bella Like-O-Meter, because there is so little hope for this character, and I am fairly certain I will never actually hold any sort of positive opinion of her.

Edward leads Bella to Carlisle’s office, explaining that he was telling her his history. Carlisle declines graciously, making up some excuse about having to go into work or something. Doctors, am I right? Edward picks up where he left off.

Carlisle, wisely, tries to off himself. Unfortunately for him, blunt trauma, falling from a great height, sunlight, crosses, drowning, and starvation will not kill a vampire. Uh huh. Okay. So Carl gets hungry, and weak, but insists on resisting his urge to eat humans. One night some hapless deer go wandering by and Carl is just so damn hungry that NOM! fresh venison. This is apparently what leads him to the epiphany that he can just drink animal blood and be an evil creature of darkness without the actual evil part.

Now that he’s immortal without all those yucky and believable flaws, he swims his ass to to France.

“He swam to France?”

“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.

Well… okay… I guess that’s a good hand-waving.

“Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.” …

“You don’t have to breathe?” I demanded.

Sweetheart, we are 338 pages into a vampire novel. He has passed on. This boyfriend is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late boyfriend.

Edward confides to her that he keeps waiting for Bella to realize that all of this is nuts, and run away screaming. If not for my pain tolerance I would have done so by now.

Annnnnyway Carlisle swims to France because he’s dead and doesn’t need to breathe. He studies various classical subjects before deciding that being a doctor would help him repent for having vampirism being forced on him. I’m not sure what he feels he has to repent for, he started the vampire veganism movement. I mean, seriously, we know he’s not Catholic, there’s no place for this guilt to come from.

Edward is described as awed and reverent of his mentor/father-figure, explaining that it took Carl 200 years to get his blood lust under control, to the point where he could actually practice medicine on humans. While in Italy, Carl found civilized vampires, who, while refined and polite in their own right, tried nobly to get Carl to eat people again. Carl got tired of it, I guess, because he left for the New World. No word on if he swam there, too.

When the influenza epidemic that spurned Edward’s undeath occurred, Carlisle decided that if he couldn’t find another likeminded vampire friend, he would just make one. Very compassionate! Despite the fact that he experienced emotional and spiritual anguish over being a vampire, he decides he’s going to make a few of them himself. If Stephenie would just own up and admit that Carlisle is not compassionate but, in fact, insane, this would be so much more interesting.

So Carl bites Edward, bless his loving, unbeating heart. Edward admits that some ten years after being Embraced chomped on, he had a “rebellious” phase, wherein he no doubt realized that Carlisle is flipping insane, and left on his own for a while. To murder some people.

Never fear, teenage romantics–because Edward can read minds, he only murdered bad people. That makes it right. Right?

Even Edward realizes this is bull, and comes back to Carlisle and Esme’s twisted little home. Where we now find ourselves, inside his room. Edward’s room is built like a music store. I guess the guy likes music. Another weak “I’m scary” “but I love you” conversation, good Lord. Edward pounces on her in an attempt to show how manly and frightening he is, and their wrestling is interrupted by Alice and Jasper.

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.

Oh… oh God, I love Alice!

ACTUALLY, Jasper says, breaking into my happy lesbo fantasy with his dirty boy parts, Alice saw a storm in the future, and everyone wants to play a game while there’s thunder.

What game you ask?

Baseball.

Vampires love baseball.

Chapter Fifteen, part two

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I think I’m okay to keep going.

Bella is understandably nervous about meeting Edward’s family. I’ve been there, done that. I would also however be worried that all seven of them would rip me to pieces and drain the blood from my hot fresh organs. Bella, however, has the brain activity of a radish, and is just worried they won’t approve of her.

House Cullen is way out in the boonies. It is the house of a rich person. Considering that Carlisle is probably ancient and… a doctor, this is not shocking. Hey, it’s not like they have to pay heating bills, or go grocery shopping, right? HA.

There are large windows on every wall. The house is very… open. And… bright. Hmm.

Later it is explained that they welcome the light here because “it’s the only place we don’t have to hide.” I have a charming mental image of a room full of dazzling vampires blinding each other unintentionally.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, as we remember him, is young, blond, and fabulous. Esme, his wife, looks like a silent movie star. They are perfect Aryan breeding stock. Edwards “parents” are reserved, friendly and cautious around this potential meal. Alice, on the other hand, comes bounding down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and declares that she does smell good.

Holy crap I think I love Alice.

Jasper comes down and suddenly everybody feels mellow. His superpower is not getting people baked (as awesome as that would be)–he is simply manipulating emotions. Right. Awesome. Now Bella can have someone tell her how to feel too. It’s not like she has an original thought in her head to begin with.

Edward and Carlisle have a psychic conversation as Bella stares at their house. It’s like, so totally big. She spies a grand piano, Esme asks if she plays. When Bella says no (because she has no hobbies in life other than mooning over brooding murderers), Esme drops that Edward plays. Of course he does. Bella isn’t even surprised at this point, saying “Edward can do everything, right?” Oh god.

Edward plays a little number he wrote himself. Of course he writes his own music. And, surprise, he’s a genius pianist. He plays a song he wrote specifically for Bella, and his “parents” vacate. I am seriously holding in my lunch.

Bella asks why Rosalie and Emmett don’t like her. Emmett just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a casserole. Rosalie, however, is jealous, because Bella is human, and Rosalie wants to be human.

I thought Carlisle saved you–

You know what, never mind. I’m just going to have to accept that Carlisle’s “compassion” doesn’t make any God damn sense.

“Alice seems very… enthusiastic.”

“Alice has her own way of looking at things,” he said through tight lips.

“And you’re not going to explain that, are you?”

A moment of wordless communication passed between us. He realized that I knew he was keeping something from me. I realized that he wasn’t going to give anything away. Not now.

*crosses fingers* C’monnnn lesbian vampire. C’mon!

Edward mentions that Carlisle told him with mental morse-code that Alice has seen visions of other vampires coming to visit. Holy freaking crap–is this a plot I see forming?  Edward assures Bella that he won’t let the new vamps eat her because he’s saving her for later. He finishes his song (which is not, much to a friend’s chargin, “B is for Bella, that’s good enough for me,”) and Bella cries a single tear. Quick as anything, Edward catches it on his finger and… tastes it.

He tastes her tears! Good God. Do tears sustain him too?

Edward takes her on a brief tour, which happens to pass by an enormous old cross. Bella questions it (I guess it is sort of ironic) and Edward begins telling the beginning of Carlisle’s background story.

Carlisle was born in the 1600s, in London, to an Anglican pastor who enjoyed hunting witches. Carl, somehow, had a talent for finding real witches, werewolves, and vampires, which of course leads him to his undeath. He assembles a mob (complete with pitchforks) to corner a vampire, and the vampire, predictably, eats a bunch of them. Carl is bit and left for dead. When he comes to, he realizes what he’s become.

Could this be the start of his bizarre need to play house with young people? I have to start another chapter before I can find out!