Frequently Asked Questions

First off, I must apologize about the title. These questions were only asked once, and I sort of asked my friends for them just so I could have a Frequently Asked Questions page.

About the Recaps

Why are you doing this?

Simply put, I was challenged. I’ve been talking so much about how I hate the series, but I’ve never actually read one page of the books. Now, how is that fair? Lucky for me, I was right.

What’s with the title?

It’s a reference to the fact that any time I tried to defame the series as a whole, I would get slapped with “What, have you read the book?” The title is what I will now say, with pride, the next time someone tries to use this weak-ass argument.

Do you have any intention of reading Meyer’s non-Twilight work? (i.e. The Host?)

I’m considering it. I have to get through the Twilight Saga first. If I still feel like a little self-flagellation, I might go for “The Host.”

Why do you pick on Stephenie for being Mormon? What actual Mormon influences do you see in the book?

Ah, the Mormon questions.

It’s time for me to get one thing clear–I think all religions are equally silly. If she were Wiccan, I’d be making comments about that, too.

In all fairness, Stephenie does consciously try to keep her Mormon out of her novel. But the pre-destination of soulmates, the fact that Edward is basically the Perfect Mormon Kid (no cussing, drinking, tobacco, caffeine, and he loooves his crazy messed up seven-person family), the freaking abstinence despite the constant “he’s so beautiful I just came!” narration, the fact we find out Rosalie only hates her because she’s jealous of Bella’s ability to still make babies (spoiler!), the whole theme of male dominance … wait, what was I talking about?

This book is pretty Mormon.

About recapping Twilight

We know Alice is your favourite character so far. Who’s your least-favourite?

The least favorite is easily Bella. I was told this character is a strong heroine, a role-model, and someone who is characterized by the choices she made. She is absolutely none of the above. I can’t even justify her personality as “typical teenager,” because while she has the irrationality, bitchiness, and depression down, this doesn’t explain why she has no friends, hobbies, goals, or backbone. Bella is Useless Horror Movie Female #47, complete with Falling Down Action. Bella, all the way.

Does Bella have any positive traits you respect?

Uh, I … like her skin.

Why do you bash the characters so much – teenagers do stupid things sometimes!

You’re right! They do do stupid things. And I hate them for it. Bella is no exception. Disregard that the Twilight fans have boldly stated what a strong, unique, brave character she is, because they are lying. Bella is the worst of every teenager, rolled into one stupid, weak-willed, depressing little character. Add a dash of thinly-veiled outlet for Stephenie Meyers’ sexual fantasies, and you will know why I bash her so much.

Seeing as how Bella is the only main character in her teenage years in the book, she is the only one who can get by on “but she’s just 17.” Edward is 107… what’s his excuse?

What are a few simple ways this series could have been good? What could Meyer have done to make this not suck?

I don’t know if there is a simple way to fix this series. The only way to save it would be to get a completely different author. As I’m reading this novel, I’m thinking to myself, “Edward is clearly a sociopath,” “Carlisle has gone crazy over the centuries of his unlife,” “Bella’s friends are trying to save her from the creep who’s stalking her.” If the book had actually been written this way, I would absolutely love it. What needed to happen is Stephenie needed an editor, proofreader, someone, to look at this series critically, and tell her what it actually is–a story of emotional manipulation and abuse. Instead of shoving it down girls’ throats as a romance novel, proudly declare that this is about a young woman’s struggle to overcome an abusive relationship, and the other twisted people she meets because of it.

… With vampires.

I might even forgive the sparkling then.

What’s the big deal? They’re just kid lit!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of the last people to start shrieking “WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN??” But after reading what is supposed to be “romantic” and finding it to be nothing more than glorified abuse, I’m a little… concerned. That, and despite it being “kid lit” I know far too many adults who have read and fallen in love with this series. …That concerns me, too.

The book’s just cotton candy for the brain! Why is that a problem?

You know what, if you read these books because they’re useless fluff, and you get a kick out of it, I really don’t have a problem with that. I just happen to be reading them because they’re useless fluff and I can’t stand it. The problem is when people (i.e., 15-year-olds and repressed older women) read these and actually think they’re good. Read a Tolkein. Read a G.R.R.Martin. Read an Anne Rice, for God’s sake. Just don’t read Meyer for her vast understanding and artful use of the English language and the conventions and elements of a story. It’s about as fulfilling as… well, cotton candy.

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