Chapter Nine

Hmmm, I’m getting ahead again. Time to start future-dating these.

Edward creep-o-meter: 3 — I know, I’m alarmed too.

So Bella comes home from her kidnapping and house arrI mean sleepover and Charlie has left her a note. While he’s actually here. Why didn’t he just tell her?

The note is about calling Jacob. Apparently he feels really bad for telling Bella to go off and die instead of becoming a vampire. Bella’s all “HMPH!” and stomps upstairs, as Charlie chides her for not being forgiving.

Bella has her mind set on laundry. Yes, readers, laundry. We are about to have a very exciting  laundry sequence.

Some of Bella’s clothes are missing, as well as her pillow. First she figures Alice popped them in the wash, because, well, I guess we all have friends who, um, randomly do our laundry for us? But her clothes are not in the wash, and neither are they in her hamper. I know you guys are on the edge of your seats here.  Unfortunately, the thrilling conclusion to “Where in the World is Bella’s Red Blouse?” will have to continue later, because Edward has arrived.

Edward’s golden eyes were wide, his nostrils flared, his lips pulled back over his teeth.

u r so pretty

Edward, faster than anyone can see him, runs up to Bella’s room, and then back downstairs. He grabs Bella around the waist and pulls her into the kitchen, looking around for laundry thieves. Edward indicates that someone has been here, one of his people. No, he doesn’t mean a gay man–although that would explain the missing blouse.

Don’t worry, though! It’s no one we know. I would hate for Victoria to sully her 0 line record for this series.

Clearly, they both reason, clearly whoever it was is just looking for Bella, and doesn’t seem to want to eat anybody. Charlie comes in at this point, demanding to know what they’re hissing about, and when he sees Edward’s furious face and Bella’s panicked one, he assumes they are fighting.

Charlie’s expression changed. Abruptly, he was grinning. “If you two are having a fight… well, don’t let me interrupt.”

Still grinning, he put his bowl in the sink and sauntered out of the room.

That’s our Charlie. Dad of the Year material right there.

Edward insists that they leave, and gives his “brothers” some calls we don’t get to understand because he’s just talking that fast. Apparently this is yet another vampire power.

I let him drag me along then, too panicked to think clearly. Charlie met my frightened eyes with a smug grin, which suddenly turned to confusion. Edward had me out the door before Charlie could say anything.

What, exactly, is the point of Charlie’s character? We are told he is a cop, yet he has never once demonstrated this through action or behavior, or even talking about work. His daughter is, he assumes, fighting with her boyfriend, and then he watches Edward drag her out while she looks terrified. And Charlie just stands there. He doesn’t chase after them, shout, demand to know what’s going on, he just lets a boy he openly dislikes literally drag his daughter out the door.

So, clearly, Stephenie reasoned that Bella must have a father, because she’s not immaculately conceived (although at this point it wouldn’t have surprised me). And hey, a cop father would be interesting, because “cop” is a masculine profession. And that’s where she stopped? You can argue that Charlie is stunted and unused to being a father, but Jesus, is he unused to being a law officer as well?

I hate these books so much.

Edward and Bella race to the Cullen mansion, where Edward heckles Alice for not Seeing someone pawing through Bella’s room. Alice stands up for herself, and Edward is about to just keep being a dick when.. he.. stops and apologizes.

This is really starting to confuse me. I guess Bella is making him “more human” or someone told Stephenie that her male lead was “a sociopathic asshole” or something.

Nobody seems to put two and two together on the whole “new vampires” thing from chapter one, and Victoria hating Bella’s guts. Seriously. No one thinks “Wait, maybe Victoria is making the vampires and she sent one of them to root through Bella’s underwear for some messed up reason!”

Instead they assume it’s the Volturi making sure that Bella is a vampire. Which I guess uh. Going through her clothes would totally prove.

Esme tries to argue that maybe this whole thing is a coincidence. Honestly, at this point, I’m reeling from the fact that the plot of a Twilight book was introduced before chapter twenty. Seriously. And there was even some foreshadowing of it in the first chapter. I’m floored.

Everyone agrees to a rotating schedule of watching Bella’s house in case someone else sneaks in to try on her jeans. Bella sort of just stands there as everyone argues about who’s trying to kill her and what they should do about it. Not exactly the most proactive character we’ve ever seen.

They go back. Charlie is smug because he thinks they’re still fighting. Jesus, whatever, Dad. Do us all a favor and just don’t be a character. I’d rather a Charlie Brown style adult we never see the face of and never actually understand.

Jacob called again. Poor guy.

She calls him the next morning (after warning Edward that she’s going to let Jake off the hook). Jacob apologizes rather fervently and offers up a life of servitude. But they’re totally not werewolf soulmates or anything. Bella sort of brings up that someone was kind of in her house yesterday and all the vamps are spooked, which means Edward takes the phone and he and Jacob have a Male Bonding Moment over how best to protect their clumsy, useless, mutual love interest.

Bella is like a Mac Guffin made human. She serves absolutely no purpose but to drive the plot. I never thought I’d see a main character that is, in all actuality and simplicity, a freaking plot device.

Anyway, we get a play-by-play of the conversation, which is basically “Edward said this. Then he paused. Then Edward said this. Then he had a longer pause.” It goes on for about a page and a half. Bella just sits there stupidly as everyone hustles to save her from the Laundry Vampire.  She finally gets the phone back, and Jacob is all “yeah we totes got this covered, I’m coming up there to scent out your panty thief.”

Annnd that’s it. Another chapter down. God damn it, these are so boring.

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1,082 Responses to “Chapter Nine”

  1. I… I really can’t believe I read these. I must’ve just skimmed over these chapters, or I just have really selective memory; I seriously do not remember reading all this tripe

  2. I’m pretty sure Victoria has one line in Eclipse, although I could be wrong.
    She snarls “Its not possible” or something during “the fight scene”.

    • she definitely says something because bella is all shocked at the sound of her voice. i forget what exactly she says. it wasn’t important because victoria is just a female, and therefore completely irrelevent.

  3. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    I’m pretty sure Officer Barbrady makes a better cop than Charlie.

  4. Waaaaaaaiiitt. So let me get this staright. Cop dad hates edward. Cop dad thinks his daughter and her boyfriend are fighting. Cop dad watches as boyfriend drags his terrified looking daughter out of the house. Bella comee back and hes all HEHEHEHEHE u guys were fighting BTW ur ex-boyfriend called. WHAT THE HELL

    • I know! My dad is pretty much exactly Mr. Spock from Star Trek. He never gets riled about anything, he just sits there and logics at you until you feel ridiculously ashamed of yourself. But even he would have blown a fuse by this point. And Charlie has a gun. Couldn’t he at least do a little threatening with it? Just a tad? After all, he IS the law, so it’s not like he’d get in trouble with himself for keeping a sociopath out of his house and away from his terrified daughter.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that Charlie is a fish in a human suit.

  5. Some clothes and her pillow….I am at a loss for words….Why is this scary or frightening? I am so confused by this book. At least Eternity of Blood was funny at times, this is just idiotic.

    • I understand the clothes….sorta. But why the pillow?

    • To get a scent off of it, if I recall correctly.

      But seriously, is all of that necessary?

      Wouldn’t a ‘here is this girl’s address, the address to her school, some of her friends homes, and here’s the address to the house she might be staying at” have worked better?

      • The address shoulda done it:
        “here’s the address where her stuff is. Um, I guess she might actually be there too? So just hang there for a while.”

        • I think Victoria is like a retarded Bond villain

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            Honestly, the longer she’s taking to show up, the more I like her. It helps perpetuate my imagined slacker attitude.

            “Huh? Whuh? Hunt that chick? …What? You mean right now? …Uuuummm… Tell you what. Here’s her address. Go to her place and um… I dunno. Steal her underwear or something… Only take your time… Grrr… Come on, you stupid level 52 monster! Die! Die!”

      • But they did THAT in the FIRST book. Smeyer couldn’t possibly do it again! That would mean her books would get /repetitive/ and god forbid she do THAT.

        >.>

  6. We now have a Pantyraidpire? Will it hunt Bella to Arizona because they like the smell of her dirty laundry now?

    Could we possibly have a bigger 180 on character behavior? I swear, this entire book is basically a published second draft. You send the first draft to your editor, then send it back saying “Fix basically…every thing” and Smeyer goes paragraph by paragraph writing in random and completely out of place “fixes”

    Wow. The concept of a coven of pantyraidpires is pretty scary- no sorority would be safe.

    • if her B.O. smells like freesia or whateverthecrap, just think about what her undies smell like

      • let it be known that I am indescribably ashamed of myself for typing that.

      • Mistress Dizzy Says:

        …..my brain does not thank you for that.

        • … that is hte second worst thing I have ever read/witnessed (first being the “special” thing a chapter or so back). Need mind-bleach.

      • I never understood the whole ‘blood-smells-like-flowers’ thing. I have some gardenia perfume, and sure, it smells great, but I don’t exactly want to drink it.
        It would be more realistic if her blood smelled like coffee.

        • Um, maybe the freasia is what fuels his sparkles? I’m just grasping at straws here, but maybe when he hunts he goes for the most flowery-smelling mountain lions? *face-palm*.

          • So do you think when this trainwreck, I mean book, became really popular Bath and Body Work’s sales of freesia scented crap went through the roof?

            • If they felt the need to fabricate a brand of body glitter as a result of these atrocities, I feel confident that products that already existed also saw boosts.
              Maybe it upped the sale of apples? That could be something positive to come out of this. Nutrition!

          • He’s gay. Of course he goes for the things that smell like flowers!

        • How about chocolate?

          Then we could have BLOOD & CHOCOLATE ohoho.

          That was so lame, excuse me while I find a wall to bash my head against.

        • I imagine her blood smells like blood, and it’s just Bella that smells like flowers.

          • and flowers are delicious and nummy? :p

            personally, if i was a vampire, i would chase after blood if it smelled like fresh cookies, not like flowees.

            isn’t it lucky for smey- bella (smella?) that edwardo isn’t allergic to freesias.

            • Then again, drinking blood is a symbol of sex when it comes to vampires… So would you rather have sex wit someone smelling like flowers or like fresh cookies?

              Well, whatever the case, this is all highly unrealistic. Seeing how much Bella goes out in the wild and does things in general, her logic smell would be “dusty”.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        …………………

        ‘scuze me. I was trying not to puke.

      • MY EYES!!!!!

        So much for eating breakfast this morning….

    • Talonheart Says:

      I think this is a Manpire power. Or a cheeseburger power…

      Remember Edward stealing Bella’s Hello Kitty bikini-cuts? Clearly, Bella’s panties are to vampires as Eddie-Sparklekins’s breath is to Cheeseburger Lass.

      Super-Aphrodisiac, GO!!!

  7. You know Edwardo stole that blouse. It is his FRIDAY NIGHT OUTFIT, GIRL

  8. Let’s remember, Charlie isn’t just a cop. He’s the fucking police chief. Ugh.
    That town must have no crime what so ever to have him actually get that high.

    • Or for him to be home ALL. THE. TIME. Seriously.

      • not home. fishing.

        • Depends. What exactly is he fishing?

          …Actually, is it even mentioned that he brings fish at home? And since he can’t cook to save his life, what does he fish for? A collection…?

          I really should stop trying to make some sense of these “books”… It’s not healthy at all.

          • he brought fish home once. and then bella fried it. and made some reference about the three-years’ worth he had stashed in the freezer. so a collection sounds about right.

            • The reason Charlie was smiling after the psychopath brought bells home was because he is one himself! That is why he keeps a collection of fish! So he can count the numerous times he’s killed.

  9. Why exactly does a ‘vampire romance’ have more instances of *laundry* than of either sex or bloodsucking?

  10. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    “Don’t worry, though! It’s no one we know. I would hate for Victoria to sully her 0 line record for this series.”

    Oh good. So Vicky’s still in that hotel room, playing Team Fortress 2.

    “Instead they assume it’s the Volturi making sure that Bella is a vampire. Which I guess uh. Going through her clothes would totally prove.”

    Gotta check for that glitter.

    “Edward takes the phone and he and Jacob have a Male Bonding Moment over how best to protect their clumsy, useless, mutual love interest.”

    Oh they going out on a date–I MEAN MANLY BONDING DINNER! …Yeah I totally stole that joke from Risachantag.

    “Jacob is all ‘yeah we totes got this covered, I’m coming up there to scent out your panty thief.'”

    *snerk* I just find that seriously funny…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Oh yeah. I forgot one.

      “Hmmm, I’m getting ahead again. Time to start future-dating these.”

      See? That +month of no updates did ya good!

  11. I wonder is any character in these books not eventually little more then a plot devise?

  12. Hey, as far as Twilight chapters go, that was practically Die Hard level action. If that’s boring, what are all the other hot, Bella cooking, Bella describing Edward, conversation-filled pages of these things?

  13. I just noticed a correlation between Smeyers vampire powers and super powers from bad super heros/ villians from washed up comic books.

    Basically, both try to make super powers out of everything. I went to superdickery.com and checked on the “Stupor Powers” section- lo and behold, I feel that I am correct. Especially with “Super Intuition” and “Super fast talking” abilities.

    Oh sure, Sparklepire can talk fast, but can he write long hand just as quickly as one of his kin dictate a letter?

    Actually I know the answer to that, yes- yes he can. Because he’s so boring.

    • *SuperFriends announcer voice everyone!*

      Talks faster than a speeding bullet!
      Can attract teenybopper fangirls from across the nation!
      Strong enough to go out in the daylight and glitter!

      No it’s not Degree for Women, it’s EDWARD CULLEN!

  14. ok, here is my theory: Alice, being a lesbian, is in love will Bella, a.k.a. cheeseburger girl, because, well… she smells like a… cheeseburger?

    Anyway, Edward knows and was all like, “This is my delicious cheeseburger girlfriend, you can’t have her, Alice! I saw her first! Therefor she’s mine! *hiss, spit, sparkle*” because he’s like so totes mature.

    but for the last few books he keeps bringing cheeseburger girl over to the house and being all, “look at my delicious cheeseburger girl, and you cann’t have her because…. she my ‘girlfriend’! see, i’m totes not gay, and this nondescript look ‘girl’ i’m ‘dating’ and not having sex with, despite A.) her begging me all day ever day, and B.) me not having had sex despite being a self described century old soulless evil machine, is totes proof that i’m not gay and FABULOUS! … ok, i got to go and not sex her, but don’t worry i’ll be back in 5 to gloat about my ‘girlfriend’ some more.”

    Alice, who has been building to the breaking point, is then asked by Mr. sparklepants himself (whole’s totes not gay, for cereal you guys!) to lock herself in her own house and watch over cheeseburger girl for 2 whole days strait with little to no supervision, and not sex her. (no for reals, if you sex her while i’m gone for 2 days that would totes destroy our “relationship” and i’ll have to dump her… again… and then give up on girls all together… no, really, don’t, SEX HER.)

    it’s too much for Alice to take.

    so she breaks into cheeseburger girls room and steals a pillow and some clothes and takes it back to her place. she then dresses the pillow up in the clothes she stole to form a make-shift cheeseburger girl torso she can cuddle/dry hump.

    p.s. this is way longer then i expected… also, i don’t care what the book says happened, it can’t possible be as good as this!

    • BangBangBoomerang Says:

      Somebody just please write a fanfic of Alic and Bella running off together and SEXING, because then we can (FINALLY) say that these characters were good for something.

      • Um, well…

        http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4453118/1/The_Edge

        Don’t let the FF.N web address scare you off. The fic is actually very, very good.

        • ” Face still planted firmly in her book, Bella decided that she needed a hobby. It was simply too hard to find something to do to occupy her time when Edward was out hunting without one. Of course it would have to be a hobby that didn’t require much physicality or co-ordination – or else she would end up spending her free time in the emergency room – but a hobby would be perfect. ” -The Fanfic

          I… I..wow…I think this author is actually making fun of Twilight at the same time as trying to make it intersting. Awesome.

    • That was brilliant! I love it!

      • (^_^) thank you.

        it was really the only thing i could think of to explain it all. I can understand taking cloths from her room so you have something that smells like here to track her by. but… a pillow? as well? …Really?

    • …What you just wrote was better than all the Twilight books combined.

    • omg i almost died of laughter. please, if you’re really writing this on a site, give me the web address!!

      • I’m sorry to disappoint, but, sadly, I’m not. So far all i have are a few simple flashes of how i think it should have gone. Plus a basic premise. bits that just pop into my head.

        But it is a project that intrigues me.

        Despite the fact that the books are written terribly, the main characters are the most boring people in the books/literary history and, the most disturbing part, how the author and it’s fans are convinced it’s a “love” story, there is a vague amount of potential in it… if you dig hard enough… for long enough…

        maybe…

        i think?

        unfortunately I’ve been fairly busy as of late, otherwise it’d be a back-burner project. i’m generally pretty poor at writing, so i try to give myself projects to fix that when i can, and, as it would be my first story, i’m sure it would go a long way in helping. so, i might do it if things calm down.

        Until then you’ll just have to settle for the short blurbs i drop in here as they appear in my head.

        if I ever do get around to working on such a project, rest assured i would DEFINITELY drop a link in here. I get the feeling it would be a good place to get some positive feed back, tips, proof readers, ect.

        P.S.: so far i’ve done a few posts towards that project (which it occurs to me, that i’m doing a lot more work on that i though i was…), and i’ve gotten great support on all of them. And that has pushed me to try and clear enough room to, if not wright a full story, at least make an outline and a few disjointed chapters.

  15. I am shocked and apalled!
    Don’t you know that TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life?

    Also:
    “Bella is like a Mac Guffin made human. She serves absolutely no purpose but to drive the plot. I never thought I’d see a main character that is, in all actuality and simplicity, a freaking plot device.”
    *Ahem*: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MacGuffinGirl
    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LivingMacGuffin

    Apologies for not knowing how to link.

    • She is NOT a Mac Guffin Girl, unless all vampires have always been searching for that one brain dea–SHIELD object, and then found out it was a person. Living Mac Guffin may apply though.

      • Oh come on. How else do you justify that lack of personality in a human? Someone would have taken her to therapy for repressing her entire self by now.

        Huh. You ever notice that any way to make this series good makes Bella either The Woobie or a Manipulative Bastard?

        • I’m not saying she has a personality, but a MacGuffin Girl isn’t just character who’s point is being fought over moving the plot along. It’s a MacGuffin that is being fought over that ends up having a human form. Bella has constantly been fought over as a human. She could be a Distressed Damsel. Or if we think she’s never in any real danger, a Living Mac Guffin.

          That, or there’s a major spoiler I’m missing.

          • “I’m not saying she has a personality.”

            I think I just died laughing. That is going to be the first and only time anyone in the world uses that sentence to defend themselves, isn’t it?

            Oh, Twilight! Thank you! For the lols!

  16. lols teh scary laundry vampires!!!!
    seriously, is it so implausible that maybe Bella dropped some of her clothes behind the dryer or something and can’t find them at the moment?

    • OR the black hole in the dryer theory!

      My dryer has eaten many socks. Maybe Bella’s dryer is getting so tired of being an apparent plot device that it’s gotten even hungrier and moved up from socks to undies… Though that still doesn’t explain the pillow.

      Maybe Eddie stole the pillow to practice the “oh so sexxxxxy” biting-of-the-pillow scene in BD.

  17. Okay, my dad is a cop and if he ever saw a boy drag me out of MY OWN HOUSE while I looked panicked… well let’s just say that he keeps his gun with him almost all of the time.

  18. laundry vampire….bahahahahahahaahaha!! :D

    my roommate is going to walk in on me reading this and wonder why I’m laughing like a friggen lunatic. But whatevs.

  19. FingoForever Says:

    Bleh-lla is for serious making my head hurt. I mean, I was mad at her when I read these books but you know, eventually the rage goes away. The recaps (as hilarious as they are) just make me seethe all over again because of Stephanie’s damaging influence on the Future Generation.

    Side note: My cat really likes to grab on to either side of people’s necks and playfully lick and bite them. My mother thought it would be great if we renamed the cat “Edgar” after the “vampire from that movie I watched the other night.”
    I almost died laughing. I was definitely crying. What made it better was the rest of my family (i.e. my dad, my 17 year old brother, and my 14 year old brother) corroborated it, not because they knew and were playing along, but because they sincerely believed that to be the name. Edgar. The vampire. That sparkles. From that movie we watched the other night.
    I have never been more glad of the fact my family is mostly clueless all the time. :)

    • Excuse me, let me crawl up from off my floor and stabilize my ribs, I believe they broke while I was laughing hysterically.

      Oh, God, that’s hilarious…

      My family is not nearly so clueless. My sister lusts after Edward… it’s really kind of scary. She’s barely 12 and reading Breaking Dawn.

      Ew?

      If I hear her saying, “WHERE’D MY PANTIES GO?!” I am going to kill her.

    • Best. Evur.
      Edgar.
      I think I just died..

  20. It may be only chapter 9 when the plot finally starts, but it /feels/ like chapter 20.

  21. Charlie’s expression changed. Abruptly, he was grinning. “If you two are having a fight… well, don’t let me interrupt.”

    Translation: “Oh, you’re going to possibly physically harm my daughter? By all means, I’ll just get out of your hair. Your perfect, dazzling hair. *thinks* w-which I hate… yeah.”

    Seriously, if it were my dad, he would have beaten Edward from here to next week, all the while making rude comments about anything and everything he is. I have to wonder, does anyone ACTUALLY HAVE a father like Charlie? And why do all the parental figure’s names sound alike?
    Esme:Renee; Charlie:Charlisle

    • They sound alike because it’s DESTINY! Their children were meant to be together!

      …Though technically neither Esme nor Charlisle are related to Edward but since their made-up family was destiny too… No problem!

      Seriously though, it’s too bad Charlie didn’t try to shoot Edward in the face. For once we may have had a scene of sparkly face exploding then regenerating in a matter of seconds and the Swan family getting seriously freaked out…

      But that would ruin the lack of plot. And Eddie’s perfection.

    • Does anyone actually have a father like Charlie?

      Sadly, yes.

      Why do all the parental figures names sound alike? Well, going off the knowledge that Bella = SMeyer, and SMeyer has a freaking brother named Jacob, I would venture to say that the author has a secret incest kink.

  22. Oh How I’ve missed you.

    LOL at ‘laundry vampire’… and just about everything else.

  23. ok, theory #2: Victoria finally decided to get off her butt, do us all a favor and kill Cheeseburger girl. And i’m picturing it all from her point of you:

    maybe it’s about time i finally kill that bitch. I mean, sure, the constant state of fear she’s living in must be torment! Case and point, i even got her to jump off a cliff a while back, and i haven’t even said 2 words to her yet! Damn I’m good! But, enough is enough…

    Let’s see, some where around here i got those papers from the school with her address on them. that secretary sure was helpful… and tasty! I should have saved some of that… I never save any from the good ones… i should work on that. AH HA! here it is, ok good…

    ok, i got to do this right! It’s night time, i bust in threw the window while she sleep and make just enough noise to wake her. i act all cool and nonchalant, and drop plenty overly specific threats of bodily harm. and then deliver this pre-prepared monologue i memorized i’ve been working on! OH MAN! this will be BRILLIANT! and….

    WTF?! where is she? oh man, this is bullshit! wait… she must be staying with those vamps, or maybe the wolves. WOW, i have literally scared her out of her own home! I’m Better then i though!

    Well, i’ll have to grab something with her sent on it, so i can figure out where she went… Lets see… backpack, no… School homework that’s oddly doing itself… six foot shrine to Edward, complete with hair-doll… … … …man, did i drive her insane of something? but i think that answers the question of where she is… OH! hey! a hair brush! i can totally get all these twigs and crap out of my hair! and a bath-robe! I’m totally going to take a shower in the bitches own house! HAHAHAHAHA! Mine is an evil laugh!

    That was refreshing! and that freasia body wash smelled nice too! Flowery! <3 you know what? i think it's time for some new clothes! she's about my size, what does she got! a nice shirt, a good sturdy pair of jeans. but i can't take any of her panties, that would be CREEPY! and WRONG!

    alright, well, she's not here, so i better get going. I'll need a slightly different plan. might have to rewrite my monologue. and i should get some sleep…

    *casually glances over at the bed* hhhhmmmmm… (she mumbled) naw! i don't want her dad wanking in and finding me, then i'd have to kill him, and i got no beef with that guy! But i'm totally swiping a pillow!

    • erg… i missed a line. there should be an edit button

      *casually glances over at the bed* hhhhmmmmm… (she mumbled) naw! i don’t want her dad wanking in and finding me, then i’d have to kill him, and i got no beef with that guy! But i’m totally swiping a pillow! I’m tired of all these mother fucking twigs in my mother fucking hair from sleeping in the woods…

      • Fabulous! I love this one too!

        • i try my best, though this one should have come out better. It had stage directions inside of angle brackets because i didn’t know that this text field took… HTML tags? is it?

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        That’s how I picture her too! Except more lazy.

      • I love it!

        Especially that you wrote “wanking” instead of “walking”. That, for some reason, cleared a lot about this series up for me.

        • yeah, i tried to clean up all the typos, but for some reason i missed that one.

          but at least i missed a typo that makes it funnier, as appose to one that makes it stupider.

          or, at least I’m hoping that the image of Charlie wanking off in her room is more funny then creepy… it’s hard to tell, with regards to anything Twilight, what counts as creepy and what’s romantic.

          Oh man, I really hope there aren’t any Cheeseburger Girl/Charlie fan fics… *insect creepy shivers here*
          though to be fair, lot’s of incest might explain a few things…

          • That’s what I meant lol. Charlie wanking in her room? Bella’s family have a history of inbreeding! And you uncovered it! Well done you!

  24. So let me get this straight…

    Edward Sparklehands can feel completely justified for taking the engine out of his girlfriend’s car to keep her from seeing her friend, but actually is remorseful for the first time in three books for yelling at his sister over some virtually irrelevant thing?

    What the fuck is this shit?!

    • I think he’s supposed to be turning over a new leaf or something.

    • It is exactly that: shit. Although I think that is an insult to feces everywhere…

      You can’t try to put logic to Twilight. You will fall into a black abyss, because this damned series sucks the logic straight out of you.

    • Also, bear in mind, she is only human. She’s infinitely weaker, he doesn’t HAVE to be nice to her.

  25. Am I the only person who read that and thought, “Wow, the Cullens are really run out of reasons to keep Bella under lock and key.”
    Meaning: It was a set up whose sole purpose is to keep Bella under their thumb(s)?

  26. xetherealxwinterx Says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry you have to bore yourself silly, Ms. Rachel. But, seriously, I don’t think I’d understand just how horrible these books are without your perspective.

    Might I suggest a “Chagrin-o-Meter” for the fourth book?

    • There’s not as much chagrin in Breaking Dawn.

      But if you’re looking for a Lovecraftian birthing scenario, it’s got that in spades.

      • xetherealxwinterx Says:

        Oh, hahaha!

        Well, Ms. Rachel’s chagrin from reading Breaking Wind–Err, Dawn,

      • xetherealxwinterx Says:

        Oh, hahaha! You’re right, you’re right!

        Well, Ms. Rachel’s chagrin from reading Breaking Wind–Err, Dawn, may be even more epic to measure than Wendy Elizabeth Marcus Jehosaphat O’Flannery Xlormpstilouserdash . . . . as I’m sure we’d all agree.

  27. Fantasystar101 Says:

    I for one am feeling great respect for Charlie, he’s showing his daughter what a total jack-ass creep Mr.Sparklepire can be.

    Too bad that message wasn’t learned *sniff*

    • I feel a load of respect for him too. Only a REAL man could let his terrified daughter be dragged out of the house by a man who abandoned her and left her in a catatonic state for months! Other, sissy men would immediately run after them, thinking that this creep was probably going to take them into the woods and murder them! Charlie’s made of stronger – sociopathic – stuff!

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Too true! Quick! Someone check his dresser for pink clothes!

        Disclaimer: I’m not saying homosexual people are all sociopaths. I’m going off of the saying “Only REAL men wear PINK!”

    • xetherealxwinterx Says:

      It may sound ungodly, but I really liked Charlie in the Twilight movie. In the books, he really has no point.

  28. Good looks, Excessive sparkling, disinterest in any female includeing sexual contact, spontaneous pride parades following them wherever they go…, attacted to freesia scented blood, able to talk super fast on the phone, male bonding with rival for “girlfriend”, calling said girlfriend Spider-monkey[see movie].
    Edward Cullins is not a Manpire! he is infact a Homopire!!!

  29. Just letting ya’ll know that “Robsten” is getting married. Oh, my GOD this is ridiculous! The article sounds like it’s written by a twimom. http://bit.ly/14kOOS
    “Life might just imitate art.”.<

  30. Can I just say that I HATE that the “vampires” in this series can’t feed without killing their victim? What’s the POINT?

    Sorry, needed to get that off my chest.

    • Can

    • Accidental enter makes me sad.

      Anyways: Can’t they? Eddy sucked some blood out of Bella, all they would need is a knife or something to start the wound instead of their teeth.

      • Careful, you just enter logic into the series. (This is like “breaking the fourth wall” in MST3K, I think…) Plus, that makes too much sense and requires the characters to think outside of the box… which means none went to law school and learned about loopholes.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        According to SMeyer, vampire teeth are the only thing strong and sharp enough to pierce Bella’s vampirized womb. Or something. The entire thing was so disgusting that I just gave up thinking about it.

      • Wow, late reply.

        Anyway, no, I’m pretty sure they can’t. Isn’t it supposed to basically be impossible for them to stop when they start? (Ha. Hahahaha.) Hence all the dead animals – why is no one investigating who is murdering endangered species?

        Fic time!

        (Yes – I’m aware Eddie can stop – it’s cause of TRUE LOVE!)

  31. Larry Fillmore Says:

    I was reading a forum comparing Angel to Edward to Nick (a vampire in a show called i<3vampires on take180.com), and it occurred to me that it really is Bella's fault…

    Buffy fights Angel, so he can't be the crazy stalker that he might want to be. However, Bella doesn't fight, or even strongly question, Edward, so he gets to be that way.

    • Which is why when I rewrite this trainwreck, Bella will just cease to exist. And I will rewrite it. For the sake of my sanity.

      I like to think that Eddie isn’t ACTUALLY a psychopath, he’s just severely socially retarded. Without Bella though, there wouldn’t be an Eddie, because he’s too much of a moron to change and any self-respecting female character would do anything other than date something that shockingly stupid.

      (I feel obliged to add that it’s never the girl’s fault when she’s being stalked – just like it’s never the girl’s fault when she’s raped. Sort of like a disclaimer.)

      • Larry Fillmore Says:

        Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly. I just wanted to come up with a way for Bella to be right about it all being her fault.

        I’m not a girl nor have I ever been stalked, but I think that there were at least a few situations in the beginning that had Bella chosen to stand up for herself, Eddie wouldn’t have been able to control her. That point has long since passed though.

  32. “Maybe if everyone who’d ever been close to you had died, you’d be sarcastic too.”—Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

    I can just imagine Eduardo saying this, ’cause he’s so emo sometimes haha :D

  33. Oh. My. Gosh. You guys! I was flipping through channels today and there was this show on REEL network… (whatever the heck network that is) and it was called “Twilight Weekly: Spotlight.” Good crap alimighty guys, I thought, “Could it be? There’s no way they’d have a show dedicated to this retardation.” But it was a weekly hour-long show dedicated to Twilight. And, I guess I was feeling masochistic, cause I watched like 30 seconds of it and was on the verge of hurling the remote control at the screen. It was worse than I could have imagined: The Twimom host of the show, the people who run popular Twilight websites she was interviewing (FYI: the most popular is apparently hisgoldeneyes.com barrrrrrfffff) the fan videos…ahhhh. I just had to talk about it somewhere, and I knew you guys would share in the awfulness. Those images will haunt me for weeks…

    • OMG! the website is real… i was hoping you were just crazy and posting a joke.
      How is this even entertainment.

      it makes me think, will there be an episode with the panty-thief manpire? the show could be titled ‘panties: what to wash them with to attract a vampire.’

      i think i just sick, a little bit, in my mouth.

  34. And finally, I caught up with this blog! Ah, God bless you for writing it. I have done so much exercise from laughing so hard, that I think I must have lost some kgs…

    Anyway, the real creepy part is still ahead. Strength to you.

  35. So….I took on the horrifying task of using the Twilight Saga for my Senior Research paper (I’m going to have to read the series like 7 times aaaaugh), and I have to say this blog’s really helped. There are points of Edward’s psychopathic tendencies I hadn’t recognized/remembered (selective amnesia is wonderful), and while “Bella as a anti-feminist protagonist” will be revised in light of her manipulative nature…. Edward as the controlling, “perfect” chauvinistic male is WAY HIGH on my priorities. I’m probably going to pull a “Bella is drawn to controlling relationships – which is why she mostly rejects Jacob/Mike – and WHAT IS THIS DOING TO THE NEXT GENERATION DEAR GOD GIRLS LIKE THIS” spin.

    Anyway, thank you for your work. I salute you, and say now this will probably be one of the only things to get me through the next year.

  36. I checked out that website Hisgoldeneyes.com.

    I feel so unclean.

    ……..

    OUT DAMNED SPOT!!!!!

    (I fear that even McBeth will not be able to save my sanity now.)

    :(

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Well it doesn’t help that Macbeth is full of insanity to begin with.

    • Before:
      ooh~
      *ADD kicks in*

      —-
      After:
      *wimper*
      It burns.. will I ever be pure again? It’s like mind raep!!!

    • sites like these make me want to cry. I *unfortunately* looked it up, and one post just shows 3 pics of Robert Pattinson. Above them says “Just so pretty”.

      I think we have more concerning matters in America than whether a good vampire sparkles more than a bad vampire.

      • “by Alex in October 10 – 2:25 PM :GAG! Ew.”
        ^ Alex, I salute you for being the only one in 18 comments so far that DOESN’T say how he’s A) Hot B)A-dorkable, or C) all of the about. This was a comment on that “Oh, pretty” Patz picture post. Here was another not-so-approvable comment;
        “by Bri in October 10 – 10:20 AM :SO HOT!!! LUV Rob so much! eeee!”
        oh, and this little gem;
        ” by EMM4W4TSONLOVER in October 10 – 1:37 PM :HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THEM DORKY GUYS WHO LOOKS HOT XD <333333"
        …*headdesk*

  37. so i doubt im the first one to see this, but hopefully it hasnt been linked yet.

    here is stephen king riling up some twilight fans by calling out smeyer on her writing (or lack thereof :P)
    enjoy
    http://www.examiner.com/x-562-Book-Examiner~y2009m2d4-Stephen-King-says-Twilight-author-Stephenie-Meyer-cant-write-worth-a-darn

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      “I think he’s such a JERK! I’d like to say other things but we can’t go swearing on here. What a moron! I haven’t read his books, but what the heck?! He goes dissing Stephanie Meyer- I HAD to read all of her books b/c they were sooo good- and I’m 27- i have a complete life- the fact that he’s like ‘she writes pg material for hs girls” is such krap! What a donkey! Stephanie is OBVIOUSLY talented. WHo the heck asked for his opinion in the first place and why would he think he’s qualified to critique her just b/c he’s an author. What a limited mind he has!!! I feel like never picking up one of his dumb books! He is a machovanistic PIG! I had respect for him before b/c he’s written so many best selling books but PUHLEASE! He’s totally classless. He writes different types of books- why would he even comment on a totally differ type of book? I even went on his website and the way he answers his readers questions- he does it SoOO ARROGANTLY! AND he doesn’t even have facebook or myspace or even a section on his website besides stupid Message forums (which I AM NOT GOING TO SIGN UP to just leave him a comment) so that we could leave him a COMMENT about his stupid CRITIQUES because he DOESN’T CARE WHAT THE PUBLIC THINKS (just look at the way he answers his fans’ questions)! I could say more nasty things about him, but why even bother wasting my own personal time!”

      I hate internet acronyms, but… lol… Just… lol…

      • Was this an actual response? I think I might cry….

        “Why would he think he’s qualified to critique her just b/c he’s an author.”

        Umm. Really? I mean…REALLY?

      • xetherealxwinterx Says:

        XD

        Oh my god. I highly doubt she’s 27 because any college student would know how much better Stephen King is. (We have to study one of his books for my AP class; let hell swallow the world hole before we study Twitlight in class!)

        She needs to go out and read better books if she has the time to rant about Stephen King and his opinions.

      • The whole thing IS a typo.

        And while she may not know what gives Stephen King the right to criticize Meyer, we obviously have enough reason to know why SHE has no ground to stand on when defending her favorite author.

        And yeah, not to sound like I’ve lost faith in humanity, but I can believe she’s 27.

      • FingoForever Says:

        “machovanistic PIG”…
        Uh, does she mean “chauvinistic”? Is machovanistic suppose to mean “man hating”? Did she just call Stephanie a MAN. Oh NO SHE DI’INT!
        What the eff.

      • Umm… That doesn’t even make any lucid sense. And the chick who wrote it (and you just KNOW it’s a chick) has obviously NEVER paid attention in English class. Ever. Because my little baby cousin can get his ideas across better than she can.

        Anyway…. GO, Stephen King! Now I have yet ANOTHER reason to read your books! :)

      • OH NOES!!! How can he not have a myspace or facebook page!!?? Reading that made me want to cry. I hope this chick never breeds!

      • I am pretty sure this is meant to make fun of the way twilight fans talk.

      • Hehehehe… that really made my day. I think “machovanistic” might be my new favorite fail word. To quote/paraphrase from the Bible, “it’s better to let people think you’re a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.”

      • AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh wait. She was serious.

      • Are you kidding me? Have you spent 27 years under a rock or are you just that new to the literary world and feel the need to show us how well-read and brilliant you think you are? Stephen King is not only an author, he is highly revered among writers for his ability to write, and write well. You don’t have to appreciate the subject matter of a story to appreciate that it is written well. The man has had many, many interviews, and has published a good deal of fantastic material on how to write. I’ve never read any of his books, but I respect his advice greatly.

        People today are so spoiled, with books that read so easily that they don’t have to think anymore, and movies with so many camera angles, lighting changes, and other stimuli flashing before their eyes that they can’t even focus on whether the movie was actually GOOD.

        I don’t hate Stephanie Meyer. I don’t hate her books (I like the werewolves). They’re books. Thank God. I’m glad to know people are still interested in the written word. In paper-and-ink format, no less. I can’t stand romance for the sake of romance, just as I was a fan of Anita Blake until the author began writing eroticism for it’s own sake, and it got to be too much. I can appreciate, however, when a book is written well, even if I can’t appreciate it’s content. I will even point out the clear evolution of JK Rowling’s writing through the Harry Potter series from simplistic pre-teen stuff to more complicated young adult material (I love Harry Potter).

        “…he doesn’t even have facebook or myspace or even a section on his website besides his stupid message forums…” I mean, seriously, is this some sort of joke? I’m younger than you and I think that’s just stupid. Just because the man is famous means he has to have an f-ing Myspace and Facebook page?

        People are free to enjoy whatever they like, but people seem to really enjoy that which is shiny and new, and they utterly neglect anything that came before it as old news and garbage.

        The man is human. Of course he cares what people think, but don’t you think he gets enough publicity without concerning himself over every single individual? I think I’d go completely nuts if I started worrying what everyone thought of me. That’s a lot of people out there….

        He’s being completely blunt, because he doesn’t feel the need to mince words. He says exactly what some readers (and some writers) are thinking, and he’s very to-the-point about it.

        And finally: Who really cares if you sign up for his message board or not?

        But please, don’t let me stop you from quest to unveil the truth of Stephen King’s limited mind.

        • o_O Oh God that was so Attention Deficit. … Please forgive my lack of ability to … um … express my thoughts in a coherent fashion that everyone else can follow. ….

        • Lol, and, yes, I realize it’s a quote. but … oh God. I had to respond.

  38. Okay, time for chapter ten. *nods*

  39. Rachel (NOT the blogowner) Says:

    I fourth it.

    Hey, Akilah – if SPHS ’97 means anything to you, you just accepted my Facebook friend request, and you have excellent taste in blog reading.

    If it doesn’t, you still have a neat name, and so does a friend of mine. :)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I will admit that I am perplexed, seeing as how she stated she was getting ahead again…

      • You know, that’s just what I was thinking…For a while I thought my computer was being cruel and refusing to load the link to the next chapter, but no. DX

  40. Sorry Rachel, SPHS ’97 doesn’t click. But thank you very much. ^_^

    I hope Rachel (blog owner) didn’t abandon this. I’d hate to think that I’m left to *shudder* read this crap on my own just to laugh at it, and even that’s a stretch. I’m sure my skin would itch just picking it up.

    • Rachel (NOT the blogowner) Says:

      I figured it was too much of a coincidence. :) A good friend of mine from high school (at SPHS) was named Akilah. Embarrassingly enough, though, we graduated in 93, not 97.

      And I quite thoroughly agree. I’ve been checking daily for updates – and it’s gotten to the point where I’ll pass the Twilight display in the local bookstore and find myself thinking I could pick it up and….it’s about then that the twitching begins.

  41. rachelshadoan Says:

    Did anyone else see the Daily Mail’s feature on Kristen Stewart? Check it out!

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1217645/Twilight-star-Kristen-Stewart-vamps-stars-sultry-grown-shoot.html

    I find it particularly hilarious because even she thinks the relationship is creepy and unhealthy. (As does Mr. Pattinson, as he has said on a couple of occasions.)

    Good bit, here:

    ‘You have to question their (Bella and Edward’s) motivations – to watch two people so unhealthily devoted to each other.

    ‘I stand behind everything that they do. I have to justify it in my mind, or else I couldn’t play the character. But they are definitely not the most pragmatic characters.

    ‘The weirdest f**king themes run through this story – like dominance and masochism.’

    Anyway, it’s something to occupy your time with while waiting for Rachel to update!

  42. I don’t really know what you all will think of this, but I made one of those typos that actually end up making an awesome word, and I had share it with you, since I think it’s appropriate.

    Shampire

  43. Bampire. (The only thing I could think of for an abusive manpire)

    Or how about Bumpire? (What that’s supposed to be, I dunno. A butthead of a vampire perhaps)

    (I know I reek of LAME) :'(

  44. Genevieve Says:

    scumpire-otherwise known as Edward

  45. Tardpire. :)

  46. Wow…I spend a few weeks not reading these chapter sum-ups and suddenly you’ve got hundreds of comments. Good on you, these sum-ups are as amusing as ever, and once again, you totally mention all the same stuff I hated about these books (except probably in a funnier way). ;)

    I love the tags, btw. They’re like a mini-blog in themselves. XD

    As for Charlie, I never knew his purpose either. Except for maybe allowing Bella to have some Wife Practice, since she does all the chores for him? At least most YA authors have the decency to kill off a main character’s parents so they won’t get in the way (i.e. Harry Potter) and provide a theme (i.e. Harry Potter). Bella’s obsession with the Cullen family would make SO much more sense if she was an orphan. At least then the reader can think, “Wait, she has no family. Their creepy we’re-a-vampire-nuclear-family-ala-1950s would actually seem appealing. Maybe.”

    • I totally agree with you. That might actually make this make sense.

      • ok… how about this: her parents are actually dead and she’s delusional (which she was before, but now in a new way too) and has been imagining them, like she did with edwards voice when she was killing herself.

        this explains a fair bit, actually. she obsesses about the cullens because they are dead (like her parents), a family and are “happy and perfect.” this shows her you can still be happy, even if your family is dead. they also, for all purposes, can’t die and thus will never leave here.

        she wants to be a vampire so that she woun’t die and go away like her parents, and so she can have a “family” again (Cullens.) also so she can’t grow “old” a.k.a. close to the age her parents were when they died, which she fears because “that’s the age when people die.”

        she can’t bring herself to call Charley “dad” because he’s dead and not actually there. speaking of which, she has the worst father in the world because he’s not real, and just in her head. on a similar note, her mom only really appears once in the first book, to go “oh, you’re hurt? isn’t that nice… at least you are in capable hands. KAITHXBI!”

        bella’s and Edwards trip to florida is skipped because there would be no way to avoid complications when she visits her mom’s grave. so she just blocked out the whole thing.

        also, she never calls her mom, nor vise versa ’cause she’s dead.

        at the begining of the first book, she’s a bitch to everyone at school, because she’s angery that her parents are dead. everyone is nice back to her despite this because she’s “the new girl who’s parents just died” and they don’t want to look like jerks.

        i think this is REALLY on to something… have to put this into the notes for the “wicked not romantic psychological thriller/chronicle of a girls decent into madness (or is it sparta?)” rewrite

        (ps: on a related note, bella needs to be yelled at, kicked in the chest, and thrown into a gorge of eternal peril…)

  47. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    I saw something pretty funny yesterday. Our lockers are have sticker labels with our names on them and I noticed there was a “Stephanie Meyer”. Either someone wrote that on a blank locker or that really is the name of one of the students here. Well, to be fair to her, she must have been named way before Twilight even existed, but this is still a pretty unfortunate coincidence.

    • Genevieve Says:

      StephAnie Meyer is actually StephEnie Meyer, but I wouldn’t put it past a twilight-obssessed teenager (I see enough of them on a day-to-day basis). D’you think anyone has actually renamed themselves that?

  48. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    Now that it’s been mentioned, has Bella ever actually given any thought to her parents whenever she angsts for being a vampire? And even afterwards?

    I mean, how would she ever explain to her mom and dad about her inability to age, her sudden awsum-hawtness/tendency to glitter, and her demon-spawn that’ll be fully mature within 3 years?

    Did she just plan to sever them from her life after giving herself (in every sense of the word) up to Edward? Wouldn’t they be suspicious when they never heard from their only child ever again?

    Not that I blame her, what with having Barbrady and a mentally challenged puppy for parents. They’d probably forget they even had a daughter once she moved out and into Chez Cullen.

    But us normal, REAL people would probably give their parents/family a second thought when it came to such life-altering decisions.

    • Sister, I love you.

      Angst, angst, angst. Um, yes, she says that “Charlie has always gotten by on his own and Renee has always done her own thing and would want Bella to follow her heart” or some crap like that. She sees Charlie after being turned into a sparklepire and he is on a “need-to-know” basis. Which means nothing.

      Yes, she basically plans to cut off contact after a while. Her focus isn’t on her parents because they are like, SO not as hawtt as Eddie bcuz he sparkles u guys and he’s JUST. SO. PRETTY. (You don’t know how painful it was for me to type that and edit into stupid).

      And speak for yourself about parents lol. Just because your parents are (relatively) normal, doesn’t mean mine are :D

      PS don’t tell anybody that I’m planning to drop out of school to run away and join the circus and pop out twelve kids and take hallucinogens that make me think I CAN SPARKLE TOO!

  49. Does anyone know where Rachael is??

    I ask because i want more summaries… Is she fighting off twithards or something? Has she read the series and fallen in love with the fictional character (heaven forbid)?

    I am seriously going mental without an update… please come back Rachael… pretty please.

    PS: I am so going to wear a ‘Furs-plosion’ T-shirt to the premiere of New Moon – yes it is true i have tickets… but i am going to see hot bod, not smyers recreated… don’t hate me.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Well considering how she had a very long absence last month too, I would assume that Eclipse is just that bad. Or reading all three books has taken its toll on her. One of the two.

  50. StarHeart Says:

    ugh. I reliazed wat an A$$hole edward is long ago. NOw whenever I’m at school and I c kids wearing tee’s that say like “Forget princess I want vampire” or “Ill be your bella if u be my edward” It really bugs me. Actually the last one sortta made me laugh cuz it was pretty much saying “Ill be a complete mindless idiot with no friends if u be my aggresive, dead, abusive boyfriend” XD

  51. Rachel will get through it somehow. I am hoping that Eclipse will be the hardest mountain to conquer, as Breaking Dawn should be such a joke in itself that she’ll just laugh the whole way through it. Hell, I bet with that book, she can just copy and paste chapter sections for her recaps and say “Not kidding” at the bottom of each chapter recap.

    I can literally feel the pain and venom hurting Rachel as she reads this book. Take your time, we want you alive AND sane!

    I eagerly await the next recap, even if it’s weeks away!

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      She can’t do that! She’s reading it so we don’t have to!

      • Genevieve Says:

        I can’t even remember what happens in chapter 10 (I read the books as quickly as possible to get them over with. I was a wreck by the end of breaking dawn). I need these recaps. They help me through this twilight-infested hell. (And waste the time I’m supposed to be practising for my vln exam. Love the vln. Hate exams. And hate twilight to the point I could explode from it.)

  52. O_O
    http://www.candicomics.com/

    Bottom right panel.

    I totally called this.
    (yes, it’s the same comic I linked to before saying it reminded me of Twilight)

  53. lol!! I saw that a bit ago. I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Win. XD

  54. Craig ferguson mocks Twilight

  55. lol. Love Craig!!!

    This one’s pretty funny :)

    • adfgajdfhuihierwhjagaluiewhwgtalrjhghlhalrg!!!!!

      pqwnfoarjbgjakuewjfabjkgf??!!!!

      naergkak,h,aijghaer,hsdmsbhhmrbgres…

      ….

      I’m sorry, that was so mind numbingly retarded, the only response that my brain was capable of did not include any form of human speech.

      but for some reason (probably a daze onset by shock, or morbid curiosity) i scrolled down to the “reviews” and one of them caught my eye:

      “OMG MAGGIE I LOVE PRETENDING THAT EDWARD IS DONKEY PUNCHING ME TOO!”

      i REALLY hope, i REALLY REALY REALLY hope that that whole comment is a joke. but i wouldn’t put it past the fans…

      and that makes me cry at night…

      • put it in the fridge for an authentic experience?! My brain hurts. Isn’t that one of those things that just shouldn’t be said?

  56. Genevieve Says:

    My faith is restored in humanity! At the start of lunch today, there was a copy each of twilight, eclipse and breaking dawn in the school library. This means these books are losing a bit of popularity….
    until I looked back 10 minutes later, and they weren’t there any more. These books are poisonous candyfloss.
    My faith in humanity: constructed and broken down in 10 minutes…

    • Genevieve Says:

      then again, humanity does sometimes have flashes of brilliance… such as that.

    • Genevieve Says:

      that is very, very amusing

    • Yes. You can always count on PA for brilliance.
      Though, considering what has been done to Vampires and Werewolves, I think perhaps it would be a good idea if we didn’t go desecrating mummies.

      That said, I don’t have any problems with a modern Vampire, that ya know, has a job or goes to school, they just need these three things: 1)To burn, bake, or wither away in sunlight. Slow, fast, doesn’t matter. 2) To drink human blood. It can be donated, or could need to be fresh, but vampires drink blood and look at people as food. Even if they want to sex them up. 3) To NOT FUCKING SPARKLE

      • I thought desecration was part of the definition of a mummy?
        O.o
        Mummies would be an awesome trend. They’re undead. They’re down with the pharaohs and right up there with the ghouls, not to mention being notoriously powerful ^_^ it’s like a gift-wrapped megazombie!
        Buuut I can’t see it happening. Oh well.

    • OMG! AWESOME!!
      LOL XD
      -cough/choke-
      -cough-

      ahem.
      Sorry. That was great though, really. Wish I’d seen that when it aired, I probably would have died if I wasn’t expecting something twilight.

    • That was so amazing! I loved it. If it were on youtube, I’d favorite it right now.

  57. Genevieve Says:

    According to the school library, Twilight is a love story. Today I had a lovely, er…debate with a twitard over this, and was asked to leave the library by Mrs Grove, who hates me.
    A love story.
    Twilight.

    • You should consistently push them off shelves onto peoples’ heads to see how long it takes for them to associate the books with pain. I really wonder if that would work.
      …Do it in the name of science!

      • xetherealxwinterx Says:

        I second this notion!

      • I was telling a coworker about this site, and another coworker heard me mention twilight, and openely assumed I liked it.
        I have no idea where the rage came from, but I burst out, “Fuck you and fuck twilight! Bellas a fucking 50s housewife and Edwards a douchbag, twilight can die and burn in hell!”
        After words I stood there for a second and whent, “…whoa….we’re did that come from?”

    • If I was a principal or Librarian I’d ban the book for showing an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship as romantic.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        The twimoms would complain and protest and you’d no longer be a librarian.

        • I don’t care. The point would be made. If I was a principal or a school libararian I’d send out fliers. If I was a public librarian, I post the fliers in the building.
          Hell, I should do that NOW.
          I suppose I should actually READ it first though, just to CMA from all the backlash.

      • Have you ever noticed that all the good books get banned and all the pieces of crap aren’t? I mean, Huckleberry Finn was banned! HUCKLEBERRY FINN! And Twilight wasn’t?

        • Genevieve Says:

          WHAT?????
          There is something wrong with this. There really is.

        • have you also noticed that literally classics that supposedly inspired twilight are being sold with the series?

          • Yup. Never really liked Wuthering Heights, but I writhed in pain just the same when I saw that book cover at the store.

            “Edward and Bella’s favorite book” my ass. They don’t have enough IQ points COMBINED to read a book like Wuthering Heights.

            Correction: they wouldn’t have enough IQ points if they included the IQ points of ALL the characters in each book TOGETHER to read Wuthering Heights.

            DIE, SM, DIE!!!!!

  58. Rachel (NOT the blogowner) Says:

    Hey, now. As much as Twilight sucks, and as tempting a thought as it occasionally is, book-burning and book-banning are *never* okay.

    Remember, kids – if it’s legal for you to do it to them, it’s legal for them to do it to you.

  59. It’s counter-productive anyway- people will still read burned and banned books. A better idea is to just make a “National Book Shit List” and petition that Twilight makes the #1 slot. I can see fans in the government trying to filibuster the move, but with enough protests and lobbying, it will at least make the top 10.

  60. http://twitter.com/Stephenie_Meyer

    I have died inside.

    (It’s not my fault, I didn’t go LOOKING for her. Someone just tagged her in a list of people who should be murdered.)

    • Genevieve Says:

      AAAHHHH!!
      Why?
      Why would anyone want to know what Stephenie is doing?
      I have a violin exam in an hour. God help me. God help the fangirls who think Stephenie can write.

      • SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT QUEEN OF THE DAMNED IS.

        *twitches*

        • Oh my god. I can’t believe she got a twitter, and that it only further proves our point that she can’t write. She isn’t capitalizing anything, unless she’s using an all caps word, which I’m sure is grammatically correct. And don’t get me started on punctuation.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Half of me is screaming that we should totally spam and flame the heck out of that twitter… But the other half of me likes to believe that I am far too mature and sweet for that kind of thing… Oh who am I kidding? The internet ripped out my sweetness, dragged it out into the woods by its hair, and hacked it to pieces with a rusty ax… But then again, twitter annoys me for some unidentifiable reason and the other anti-twi people will probably do all that flaming anyway.

    • “@Kris526 i love chemistry, always did very well in science… need help?”

      Yet Twilight makes absolutely no scientific (or logical) sense whatsoever. Le sigh.

  61. I don’t blog or use twiiter- so this could be my mistake, but could someone be imitating her or would the account be closed if that was the case? I guess I’ve died so much inside reading these recaps that some part of me wants to believe that an author wouldn’t say “OMG YES!!!!11!”.

    If this isn’t a hoax, my coffin has been nailed shut.

  62. “Twilight is the best books ever, take this from a thirteen year old… (okay, i might not be the most reliable source) Anyway, girls my age love Twilight because of, well, Edward Cullen *sigh* *faints* Edward Cullen is a god to ‘most’ girls my age (Heaps of Harry Potter readers hate Twilight because they know that Twilight is better but they don’t want to say it), my friend and i have even made a region about Twilight, it’s called ‘Cullenist’ (Carlisle is our God and Edward is our Jesus, so far we have gotten twenty-two people to join!!!!! Twilight just isn’t about the sex involved (you might be disturbed by this coming from a thirteen year old, sorry)it is about the (well, it kinda is about the sex) love story of Bella Swan. In love with a vampire, while a were-wolve, Jacob, loves her, but she only likes him as a friend, and Mike and Eric liking her too, and the wonderful camera work showing Edward and Bella, and Emmett and Rosalie, Jasper and Alice, Carlisle and Esme. But then Bella gets pregnant (it shows the consequences of having sex) and then comes Renesmee. Which then Jacob imprints on. And don’t get started on Leah, Sam and Emily. *sigh* i could write about this alllll day. But i wont because it would take you 89 days to read. Okay, continuing, Stephanie Myer (and Edward) have inspired me to write my own books, i am 1/4 way writing the first book (it’s about vampires) and all my friends say it is really addictive, but i think thats because i have added the special ingredient that Twilight has: The main character (Sky, in my book, Bella, in Twilight) is involved in a relationship but heaps of other guys like her too. I have gone one step further and added a few more guys, but that makes it more addictive!!!!! So if you see a new book in a bookstore that has the author, Lydia Wilson, you know that it was me.
    Vampires have some sexy appeal to them, there dangerous, immortal, and sooooooooo hot. That is probably why so many teenage girls are in love with Edward, Emmett and Jasper. Jacob is also hot too, his friends aren’t though, which is a shame.
    Sorry, but try to write a book not about vampires, after the vampire his past (it might not?)
    xoxoxoxoxo, Lydia aka, Edward lover Lydia
    PS, xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxox to all Twilight fans!!!!!
    PSS, I LOVE YOU EDWARD CULLEN, xoxoxoxoxoxo
    I’m finished now!”

    i…i almost cried inside. i am slowly losing hope for the human race. it came from a site trying to figure out why people are so obssesed with vampires. the above was a comment on it.

    • OH MAN. I AM SO EXCITED TO READ ABOUT SKY AND ALL THE GUYS THAT LIKE HER

    • Wow whoops hit enter too early. Anyway that made me cry a lot on the inside. And on the outside. And 89 days is an oddly specific number, I’m really hoping she hasn’t actually written about it all day and then forced someone to read it. Actually that’s probably the hazing process for becoming a “Cullenist” (oh my god my fingers are shriveling from typing that word.)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      … Oh great. You know, I just had dinner. Recently, I’ve been feeling physically sick when something rubs me the wrong way. I know it’s only stress. It went away when I took a week long break, but now that I’m back to work, all this fan trash is just… Well, I guess I should count myself lucky that I haven’t had to run to the bathroom yet.

    • The world is over Says:

      Just look what this book is doing to children!!!! Wynter i knnow u luv him and all bu he fuking absues bella. would u like it if a 116 year old man game in to room every night for 6 months to watch you sleep?

  63. strangely enough i found the site where that comment came from by looking up 2012 (my friend told me to watch a trailer of the up-comming movie). perhaps this is a sign??

  64. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Aaaaaarrrggggghhhhh…

    This person is mistaken, right? PLEASE tell me this person is mistaken! Or lying. Or something.

    • it wouldn’t become popular, because OMIGOD THEY’RE NOT HAWT THAT’S WRONG! EVERY GOOD CHARACTER IS HAWT, NO MATTER HOW LAME OR 2-DEMENSIONAL!

      …woopsy, sarcasm appearing again. anyway, i read that link. people wouldn’t make a special school program if zombies started showing up.

      instead, people would be running and screaming. scientists and the like would be in denial. people who have played that zombie video game on xbox (i forget the title; saw my friend playing it the other day) would grab there guns and either go hunting or buckle down in their homes. twilight lovers would be clutching the book, knowing the sparkly vampires would save them soon.

      …..or it could all end up like Zombieland. i prefer that.

  65. lol! I went to the mall with my parents and saw a shirt that said “I killed Edward”. I yelled “THAT SHIRT IS SO AWESOME!” and ran away with my dad calling, “Who’s Edward?”

  66. I saw a adult woman at the grocery store wearing a “Twilight” Tee shirt. I just ran to the next aisle with my mom at my heels pushing the grocery cart looking as perplexed as Charlie dealing with his Mary Sue.

    Not to invite spam, but perhaps if we get the comment count up high again it might encourage Rachel to further sacrifice her better use of time for another recap?

    :D

    • OR, we could suddenly start “acting” like we all love twilight, because she has been gone so long. Then Rachel will be disturbed and see that we are losing our minds and that without her recaps, our passionate hate has become love.

      ….or we could mail her a twihard fan. It will giver her inspiration! XD

  67. YOU GUYS!

    this is totally unrelated, but has anyone read this article?

    http://www.esquire.com/features/thousand-words-on-culture/vampires-gay-men-1109

    we SO called it!

  68. Hell yeah we called it!

    I’ll jump on the bandwagon too

    LIKE Edward is like so perfect and like dreamy and like why can’t my boyfriend like be like Edward and like follow me everywhere and like protect me from like people who want to be my friend and like hurt me because like that’s so possible!

    Like everyone who disagrees with me is like a prude and can’t accept that Edward is just so like, likable.

    ….My brain hurts after writing that.

    • Genevieve Says:

      LIKE Edward is like so perfect and like dreamy and like why can’t my boyfriend like be like Edward and like follow me everywhere and like protect me from like people who want to be my friend and like hurt me because like that’s so possible!

      …you forgot to mention the sparkling

      • OMG i am team edward FO SHO i mean he’s just so dreamy and hot and like a ttly perfect gentlman. i have dreams about him every night with his jewl skin its the hole reason i gots body glitter! and my bf just doesn’t get it so i dumped his ass and i hope i can find someone just like my soon-to-be-lover edward!!!111

        …thank god my acting class keeps me from believing what i just wrote.

  69. So…I’ve been thinking a bit off and on about how bad this twitripe stuff is, and I was watching The Labyrinth. During the end of the movie, the Goblin King said something that struck me as the kind of rubbish Edweird would spout.

    “Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.”

    It just seemed like something manipulative that dear ol’ Eddie would throw at Ms. Mary Sue, and sadly I think she’d fall for it. Am I off for thinking this?

    • ok, one: It’s not just you, i totally agree, that’s deffinitly somthing Edward would say! And Cheeseburger girl would totally eat it up… and it would take about 50 pages to happen…

      B (or two, for those paying attention): as my understanding of Edward has grown i slow built up a mental model of what i though he looked like.

      when i fist saw a picture of the actor who would be playing him in the movies my own personal picture of him got back-shelved. But it is still something i can bring up again.

      and your comment just now made me realize something about that old mental picture of Edward.

      it was loosely based off of David Bowie…

      P.S. (or perhaps C or 3…): I love The Labyrinth! OMG >.<

    • At least Jareth was known to be an evil manipulative git. It’s the “do as I say FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, I’M NOT CONTROLLING YOU IN ANY WAY!” thing that really bugs me. “Do as I say, ’cause I want you to” is at least honest :-P

      And honestly, Edwardo isn’t that eloquent – ’cause SMeyer ain’t, of course.

    • No, you are not off. That is a really good piece of insight. Labyrinth is one of my favorite movies of all time, and that line always bothered me because of how seductive the prospect could sound: to have a being of infinite magical power at your beck and call to do whatever you want… Only it doesn’t really work like that if you take another look, which is something that every woman in that situation should do. He will be your slave IF YOU DO WHAT HE SAYS. This makes NO sense at all, because now he’s the master and you’re the slave who presumably every now and then gets a little reward.

      And that’s pretty much all Bella ever gets. Whenever she doesn’t do what Edward wants, he winds up finding a way to punish her (which, let me tell you, the mental image of Edward summoning The Cleaners to chase people all over Forks and trying to exile Jacob to the Bog of Eternal Stench is going to get me through some sleepless nights), and whenever she is good and agrees she gets to *gasp* touch him, which is essentially the only thing she lives for anymore.

  70. Yay! Glad to know I’m not alone. ^_^ And I agree with to things previously mentioned. One: The Labyrinth = love! <3. And two: Not only is SMeyer not eloquent, she's over rated, over praised, childish, self centered, and her logic is pretty much nonexistent. Daily I hash it out with Twitripe fans (as I work with a few) and daily I find new things to challenge them with. Usually they'll give me a pity laugh and false agreement when they can't explain something to me. And I over think quite a bit when I get into liking (or in this case loathing) something. Some days I wish I could write to SMeyer personally just to see what crap she'd try to feed me. *end rant*

  71. OMG I luv Twilight nd I cnt beleive that u say all those things about eDward!!! hes not creepy! there in LOVE!!!!!!! u r all just jelos coz u want a guy like Edwrad and u cnt axcept it!!!!!!!

    • ^ Do I own or what? I wrote all of that without vomiting! I feel sort of proud now. I even managed to write “there” instead of “they’re”!

      Now COME BACK RACHEL AND GIVE US MORE RECAPS! BEFORE… SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS!

      Also, I heard that SMeyer was thinking about writing sequels for The Host… is that what it’s called? Who f*cking knows. It hurts inside.

  72. Anything SMeyer writes will hurt you inside. That or suck out your soul and common sense.

  73. Why trash the book,If your reading it moron!

  74. I read the Host, and it is actually much, much better than Twilight (which isn’t saying much, but still). I was VERY surprised. There are some holes and stupid parts (like all of the last chapter, pretty much. The book would be a zillion times better without that stupid last chapter), but it isn’t nearly as horrible as Twilight was.

    • Agreed. It wasn’t that bad. I thought it was lacking in quite a few parts (I agree, the end was probably Twilight-level stupid.) But nonetheless, not brain-melting. Sort of intriguing in parts. The main idea of parasitic aliens was sort of intriguing. In a capable author’s hands, it could have been pretty good. If she hadn’t written it before Breaking Dawn, I’d almost say she was improving as an author. Like I’ve said before on this site, I think the main thing the book has going for it is that it’s not about mythological creatures, it’s about aliens, and it’s okay to write in whatever convenient characteristics you want for them.

      But I’ve heard she wants to write about freaking mermaids next. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that already established mythological creatures shouldn’t be ruined by her contrived stupidities any more.

      • If she writes about faeries HER ASS IS MINE. I will NUKE HER.

        *random violent moment*

        • Genevieve Says:

          If she does write about faeries, would you let me assist you in killing Smeyer?

          • I don’t know… how imaginative are you?

            The Unseelie court has been my refuge from sparkly fuckwit vampires :-( If she hurts fairies, I hurt her.

            • If she screws with the Fair Courts – either of them – she needs telling what they’re really like. Anyone familiar with Holly Black’s YA series can give her a hint.

  75. A TRUE TWIHARD!! Says:

    wtf rachel…
    all u ppl are idits. ur just jelous of stephenie meyer bc she makes money and has a good life. stop being mean to her. bella is smart, she gets good grades and she dosnt do durgs or anything, and she doesnt change herself 2 get guys to <3 her. edward is a model for all guys and how they should tret there gfs, wit respcet and undying love. <3<3<3 team edward all thw ay.

    • Ah!!!!
      I think my fingers imploded.
      I don’t know if it’s possible to write a twihard-esque comment if you aren’t actually sucked into smeyer’s world.

    • xetherealxwinterx Says:

      Give me your lunch money!

      >:U

    • If this is an attempt at being a Twihard…then you sir have the gold. If this isn’t, well, I was wondering if some people like you would show up (omg look at that, I can spell people! :o)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Hmm… This is one of three options.

      1. Someone’s trying to entertain themselves until Rachel’s update. The world could always do with a few more laughs.
      2. It’s a troll. Do not feed.
      3. This person is genuinely sincere. You’re welcome to stay, just don’t expect it to be pleasant.

    • Wow… the mentality and IQ points lost reading that is painful. My only comment in response to this would be to a) learn to structure a true argument in order to show your seriousness to the topic at hand, b) please use full sentences and no chat speak (in a personal opinion, such shortcuts detract from being a serious fan), c) correct spelling and punctuation goes a long way (minor mistakes are accepted). These are only tips to help make your point so that most intelligent people laugh at your attempt to insult them.

      (I do apologize to those out there that may be insulted by my above comment, but it was just asking for it!)

      To that, the few points you made (rather badly at that) have no true backing and the relationship between Bella and Edward is a terrible one to base your own relationship off of.

    • Heh, sorry guys, trying to kickstart Rachel into writing again.
      Just so you all know, immediately after writing that comment I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

    • I do not see HOW Eddie and Bella’s relationship is something to COPY. Have you NOTICED how Ed doesn’t let her go and see her freaking FRIENDS?? Or drive her own TRUCK???? When she hallucinates about him she sees him TELLING her not to do something. Not asking. Telling her that she is stupid for wanting to try this and she HAS TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Wow. What is it that you actually LIKE about Twilight anyway?

  76. Heh, after reading Shiko’s comment “if you aren’t actually sucked into smeyer’s world.”
    I was inspired…

    Version 1:

    Lalalala, lalalala, Smeyer’s world.
    Lalalala, lalalala, Smeyer’s world.
    Abusive boyfrends, and Mary Sues,
    Thaaaaaat’s Smeyer’s WORLD!!!

    Version 2:

    Lalalala, lalalala, Smeyer’s world.
    Lalalala, lalalala, Smeyer’s world.
    Non-sex and laundry, subtle Mormon views,
    Thaaaaat’s Smeyer’s WORLD!!!

    Anyone else have any ideas?

  77. Directly quoted from Smeyer’s FAQ:

    “Warning: there are Twilight spoilers contained in the following; if you don’t want to ruin the suspense, stop reading…..now.”

    ….What suspense?

  78. The suspense of how bad things will keep getting? Because after I started reading the recaps on Twilight I said to myself “Good Lord things can’t get any worse!” And then “New Moon” proved me wrong. And so far “Eclipse” has descended into a lower circle of hell. I feel suspense, mostly the suspense of how seriously bad “Breaking Dawn” will be.

  79. Pineapples Says:

    OK deep breath 3 2 1.

    EDward iz lik soooo dremy i lk so lv hm hw cn u lik not lik him hes so ht and betiful and handsme and any grl wod b luky 2 mary him. my bf he lik soooo dosnt unrstnd so i dumpd hm and mayb 1 day i wil fnd my eDward!!! <3 <3xxooo

    I NEED A BUCKET NOW

  80. This blog is simply too good. I’m another Twilight hater and I have been chuckling throughout while reading your blog. I have also tweeted this link to my friends

    That’s how much I love your blog :)

  81. It is a high quality anti-twilight blog. Few people take the time to not just say how bad it is, but WHY it’s so terrible as well.

    That’s why I’m addicted, I check this website about 3 times a day hoping for a recap.

  82. Fantasystar101 Says:

    Rachael, I’ve made myself an Edward Cullen costume for Halloween. I have the glitter, makeup, and wig, I even wrote on my T-shirt “108 year old virgin” with sparkles all over it.

    Surely, I will send you pictures of me going around smelling random by-standers for the kicks 83

  83. Oh how I miss the updates….

  84. Oh how I miss them as well. Back to playing Runescape until the recaps come out of hiding. :)

  85. *Goes on youtube to kill some brain cells*

    • *brain cells have already been killed by youtube long ago*

      • *starts reading Twilight to pass the time*

        HAH!
        just kidding.

        • You could start doodling ridiculous things inside Twilight, if you have a copy. I’ve been considering doing this after I read it because I ran out of paper to draw.

          • I actually started playing the adverb game, but I got bored after underlining the first 12 or so. Wait-
            *counts*
            Yeah, I got twelve.

          • I actually have all 4 books because my mom gave them to me. (she basically was like, ooh, fantasy novel, my daughter likes those, they’re popular like harry potter was, she liked harry potter) So I’m doing sorta what Rachel has done with hers, written random comments, (I’m not good with english grammar specifics, so I don’t know all the adverbs, or I’d do that too, my base knowledge is, it usually ends in ly) then I figure I can donate them to a thrift store or some such place and the person who gets to own it can read the comments and find out how stupid/horrible/blergh they are.

  86. OH I’d just thought I’d add that while getting my food handler’s card the other day, I ran into someone who is from Washington (like moi). While we were talking a woman piped up, “So you two are both from Washington? Have you heard of Twilight? My daughter loves that book!”

    At the same time the man and I did a face palm and groaned “Oh god!”

    When another woman said she didn’t know what Twilight was, I told her she was blessed before the man sort-of explained to her that it’s a “vampire romance”. And by sort-of I mean that he had a hard time saying it was a romance. “If you’re from Washington, you’ve heard of Twilight.”

    Thus my faith in humanity has gone up 1%, which means the total is 2%.

  87. Erg
    The school newspaper came out today, in it was a review of the movie Twilight, with some quotes from Anonymous sources. Here is a basic summary:
    “OMG SUCH AN EXCITING ROMANCE!”
    “I LOVED THE SERIES SO MUCH AND THE MOVIE WAS GREAT!!!!1!”
    “It was really good, but I think it was too different from the books, which were amazing.”
    “It was awkward and awful”

    In my head:
    girl
    girl
    girl
    guy.

    And then this girl behind me starts saying how the person who gave it a negative review had never read the books, and how she, and I quote directly here, “I looooove Edward. Like, seriously, I’m gonna marry someone just like him someday.”

    ..

    *facepalm*

    • *Facedesk*

    • And so my faith returns to 1%.

      It’s ok to dream, I suppose. But there’s a line. I wouldn’t mind hooking up with Jenson Ackles. HOWEVER I have no interest in marrying him, going to conventions, or finding someone like him. He’s simply a good actor and nice eye candy.

      Couldn’t she want to marry a nice guy who’s not emo and/or a poster child for domestic abuse? Or maybe she just means she wants to marry a guy whose fetishes are nibbling and body glitter? I hope for the latter.

    • This morning my dad and I were watching football on ESPN. They kept showing the New Moon trailer, and I was audibly groaning. Then, they started putting up facts about the players….apparently the most impressive thing they could think to say about the USC quarterback is that he likes to read Twilight. I said something like, “Ew, what a loser.” My dad said, “Man, that’s a put-down by ESPN.”

      My sisters have guy friends (ages 16 and 18) who apparently read and liked the books.

      Guys are not immune. Scary, eh?

  88. …I….I
    Today I was bored in class.
    The person sitting next to me was doing homework, and was carrying Eclipse around with her.
    And I..
    I asked to read it.
    And I didn’t even feel the urge to throw up. I just read it.
    0.0
    HELP ME RACHEL!!!

  89. Found this on Facebook. This is ridiculous, because the words used in the sample sound like something a TwiTard would use. Oi.
    http://www.facebook.com/DefiningTwilight

  90. Are we in for a fright tonight? Will there be a spooky recap? Although I imagine Rachel will actually be going out and having fun instead of reading another miserable chapter, I’ll be here at home re-reading most of the older recaps since we never get trick or treaters.

    Although popping in “The Nightmare Before Christmas” seems like a better use of time.

  91. Genevieve Says:

    Scary fact: I know a fifteen-year-old guy who adores twilight. Yes, ‘adore’ is the word he used to describe it to me.
    I personally know 3 girls who ditched their boyfriends so they could find ‘their Edward’.
    And I now have a bruise on my left arm from one of the girls, which I aquired when I suggested Edward was a bit abusive.
    These are my classmates. These people are the future generation. Will twilight wreck the future of our species? Are we really letting Stephenie bloody Meyer do this to us?

    • If a fan hit me, I would instantly hit back. I don’t want to stoop to their level, but it’s an instant reflex (from all those hours of wrestling with guy friends). And isn’t them hitting you over the topic of Edward being abusive redundant? I would tell the school, too.

  92. To be fair (but not in her defense) The younger generations have become less objectively critical of..well everything. Think of all the double standards and loopholes in laws and people’s beliefs in America. How can people actually believe in pastors and other religious leaders who preach heterosexuality and living modestly when some have gay relationships and fly around in private jets. Why do some people NEVER question these actions vs. preaching?

    Honestly it’s because people do NOT think. They do not reason anymore, instead they seem to settle for what seems to be the truth and allow their emotions to run wild. To indirectly quote a article I read about a movie called “Knocked Up” (I think?) “The trends of young people having babies from one night stands and casual relationships and dealing with the aftermath of their children’s births long preceded the movie about it”.

    Quite frankly this foolish thinking and obsession with the “perfect love” was around years before this book was published. HOWEVER the only reason it’s gotten popular is because people believe in ‘twu luv’ and want to live that unrealistic fantasy. The lack of objective thinking (especially for potential partners) has been around for years, I’ve pretty much seen it all at college.

    Long story short, I agree that these kinds of books will NOT make our species any wiser to our own undoing. However if people were actually smarter, these books would have just ended up in a dollar store bin or not published at all.

  93. Oh and sorry the attacked you over a stupid book. That’s taking it waaaaayyy too far. Hell I would have reported them to a school psych counselor if you had one. That or try and get them detention (but then they just would have read their beloved books) :(

  94. *nibbles on a KitKat*
    C’mon Rachel…
    So anyway, how were all your guys’ Halloweens? Any interesting stupid or hilarious Twilight things to report?

  95. I don’t get why these vampires haven’t taken over the universe already. They could breed humans like chickens and eat us, occasionally turning one of us into a vampire if we “proove worthy” or something, and then the vampires could really inhabit any planet that is a surface and isn’t too hot, because they don’t need to breathe. These guys are supposed to be incredibly intellegent, so couldn’t they genetically create an animal that has even better, healthier, tastier blood than a human’s, put that animal on it’s own little planet, and then the vampires can go there whenever they get bored or hungry and eat up?

    • That’s because the relationship between humans and vampires in Twilight is based on the traditional vampire, ya know, the kind that has real weaknesses and flaws. Like, that burning in sunlight thing, and even the needing to sleep on “holy ground” thing.
      Only, Smeyers vampires don’t HAVE any of those. Except werewolf teeth. Those seem to kill vampires dead. For some reason.

      And on another note, it is wrong of me to be pissed at the trailers for New Moon because they seem to be teasing me with idea of Jacob mauling the fuck out of Edward, only I know that doesn’t happen?

      • i’m pissed at the trailers because they’re actually making me want to see the movie. which i have plans to do. with friends who love the books. (except for the characters, which makes me wonder why they like the books at all).

        maybe it’s because the trailer makes it look more actiony (not a word, i know). and like it might actually have a plot. if worst comes to worst, i’ll laugh my way through it.

        • “If worst comes to worst, I’ll just laugh my way through it.”

          Exactly what I’m planning to do. My friend feels obliged to see it because she’s a good critic and has read the Twilight series. I just wanna see wolves. Is that wrong of me? Haha

          • I intend on going, paying to see any other movie, and then sneaking in.

            I want to see it and heckle, but I don’t want to fund SMeyer in any way.

        • They probably think the plot, or the concept for the book at least, is interesting, but, well, hate the characters.

  96. Genevieve Says:

    I have a question:
    Does anyone know if sales of the Twilight books are increasing (eg. because of the movie of New Moon) or decreasing (eg. because the initial buzz is finally over)? It would be quite interesting to know.

    • A friend of mine works at Barnes & Noble. He said that the paperback release of the “Special Edition” of New Moon didn’t do half as much business as they thought it would. But that was before the movies. He also said it may be because all the hardcore fans got the hardcover, but we can always hope!

    • Everytime I think the popularity is decreasing, they add new merchandise (like shoe laces) and it gets instantly popular. Maybe if I shut my mouth it’ll all just turn out to be a very odd, glittery dream?

      • Genevieve Says:

        Shoe laces???Really??How does that work? How do Twilight shoe laces differ from normal ones?

        • I would imagine they sparkle.

          (Or have tiny, horrific pictures on them.)

          Because REAL vampires apply body glitter to their clothing as well. And, often, pictures of themselves. Because they’re just that good looking.

        • Some say Twilight all over. At least, those are the ones I’ve seen. T_T

          • -_- Have you seen the fan-made shirts? Ugh, I was at Disneyland last summer, and the pair of girls in front of me were both wearing one. I was standing there for far too long, considering I managed to read almost all of their backs. Between that and excessive heat, I don’t want to know how many brain cells I lost.

    • okay, this is SO weird…
      On the aussie best sellers list, twilight has 4 of the top 10 positions… OMG…
      http://www.booksellerandpublisher.com.au/
      i know that in June the series held 8 of the 10 bestsellers (stupid red paged editions came out). damn stupid people buying the same stupid book twice for no reason…..

  97. There are New Moon posters everywhere on my way to work :(

    I say “yuck” every time I pass them (it’s involuntary) and I’m starting to look like I have Tourette’s :(

    • my coworkers think that i’m mentally unstable after a very minor hissy fit when we started selling new moon. i work at effing walgreens. there is no reason for us to sell anything other than crappy suspense and romance novels. OH! WAIT!

      now i know why we’re selling twilight novels.

  98. So I went to see what Chapter 10 in Eclipse was like.

    ..

    I don’t envy you, Rachel.

    • … I just threw up in my mouth a little. Please tell me that someone else chose these for her! Romeo and Juliet? Pride and Prejudice? To Kill a Mockingbird? Orson Scott Card? Iva Ibbston? FREAKING PRINCESS BRIDE????? I refuse to believe that that THING that write these horrific novels (term “novels’ used EXTREMELY loosely) loves all of these masterpieces!

      • I’m choosing to believe someone else chose them, actually. Princess Bride is one of my favorite books EVER. I refuse to believe it has been touched by the hands that have written Twilight.

        • Well, it has, she wrote an essay in college about how Buttercup is the ultimate anti-feminist model of a female protagonist… I think there are links to her talking this in the comments of previous chapter reviews. But she says that Buttercup doesn’t do anything about her situation, blah blah blah. And she totally misses the point of Princess Bride. But considering how hard she came down on it, I have to think she didn’t like it very much. Which points to someone else putting those books on the list.

          • She’s an idiot :-|

            Like, frighteningly.

          • What.

            HIIII. I got it. SHE LIVES IN THE MIRROR UNIVERSE and somehow transports her books into ours (somebody steal her transporter, I want it.) In THAT universe, Buttercup is an anti-feminist character, Wuthering Heights is a love story, and Romeo and Juliet is the most ROMANTIC THING EVER, SRSLY GUYS instead of being Shakespeare’s weakest play about two dimwits.

            Also, hiya WIllow.

            • That’s what REALLY gets me about all this! People compare Twilight to Romeo and Juliet because “OMGz TheIr in LOVEE but itz so foRbidn!” when that’s not what R+J’s about at all! RAAAARGH STEPHENIE MEYER TEACHING ANOTHER GENERATION THAT THAT PLAY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT ROMANCE RATHER THAN THE FUTILITY AND DANGER OF PRIDE AND FEUDS AND LOOKING THE OTHER WAY!

      • Genevieve Says:

        To be honest, I doubt Stephenie has ever read a single one of them. It’s just for appearances.
        There is no way anyone who has read those could have written this sparkly, abusive trash.
        I seriously hope someone shows Stephenie Meyer this website.

    • she confused her own high school experiences with jane eyre? really? there is no goddamn way she read it. no fucking way.

      sorry. i love jane eyre. and knowing that she…just…ugh.

      and romeo and juliet is not a love story.

      and it should be against the law for her to even look at the princess bride.

    • Rachael A. Says:

      OH GOD, “ANNE OF GREEN GABLES”. THE ONLY THING MY PROVINCE IS KNOWN FOR.

      Please, dear god, don’t let her come here for a tour of the Land of Anne. I will vomit all over everything. D8

      On another note, am I the only one who finds the vagueness of her reviews irritating? Most of them are just, “I’ve read this a million times and still love it”, “A timeless love story”, etc., etc. She doesn’t really give much of an explanation for why she loves these books.

    • Katie Cole Says:

      oh GOD Anne of Green Gables?! Reading that was like torture DX
      Seriously, it seemed like it never ended!

  99. Okay, first of all I think I need to admit that I have a problem. An addiction which sometimes prevents me from actually doing the work I am paid to complete… many people say that the only way to recover from an addiction is to first admit you have a problem, so here goes. I am sort of, well only a little bit, addicted to this blog. Okay it is actually becoming a problem that haven’t been able to get a ‘fix’ in over a month. WHAT IS GOING ON????

    I check the website almost daily, okay, not almost… I check the website daily. I have a reminder in my calendar at work… I am almost as lame as the twihards I judge. Please Rachael come back…. be my enabler….

    I also have to admit that I have re-read the series, and yes they are still stupid! Anyway I have picked up on an aspect of the books that while Rachel has mentioned it, I fear it may have pushed her over the edge and perhaps deep into a pit of despair. I can only assume that in an attempt to prevent sounding like she is in some way promoting bad behaviour with her witty comments about the story, she is actually boycotting her blog…. I hope I am wrong.

    Anyway, upon re-reading these books (yes, they are still stupid!), there are a few areas which on first reading did not trigger the bile in my stomach, and after reading this blog I seem to have noticed them more and more. The idea that this relationship is abusive and based Edwardo’s obsession with absolute power is coming through stronger and stronger, especially towards the end of this book…. it begins in Book 1: Bella comments that Edwardo had to hold his anger in check and it was a struggle for him to put her on his back gently (please refer to chapter seventeen of the recaps) – my response is ‘anger management classes! ‘c’mon Edwardo, any normal teenager would love it when a girl took the lead and attempted to rape him, I for one have yet to meet a male heterosexual teenager not into girls who take the lead. I suppose that that is my flaw, I assumed Edwardo was meant to be a male teenager, but even if he isn’t and he is the 100+ year old codger, well aren’t they happy to have the attentions of the young? (please refer to recent news article… http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26280759-401,00.html ).

    And book 2 is just all types of wrong. The emotional abuse that Bella just keeps going back to is humiliating. While I do not condone any forms of abuse, at the end of this book, I almost wished the abuse on this sad excuse of a woman… seriously all I want to do it tell the bitch to get a life and to open her bedside table.

    And book 3 (although she isn’t quite there in her updates I think that the escalation of the abuse that is now considered acceptable is a good enough reason to stop)… Anyway one of them end chapters where Jacob is recovering after what I can only describe as a lame-ass vampire attack (Where the stupid vampire doesn’t even bite him! C’mon what kind of an attack is that?) is having a ‘moment’ with the cheeseburger says he was hoping that Edwardo got angry over their lame ‘pash session’. He was counting on the bad reaction… OMG!

    Don’t even get me started on the whole ‘first kiss’ between stupid cheeseburger and Jacob ‘I too represent a victim of abuse’ wolf – what a lame attempt at guilting her into kissing him and what got my anger raging wasn’t the fact that he used his passive aggressive wolf powers of persuasion, but that she fell for it! What should’ve been written was something about the cheeseburger craving some physical attention after all that ‘teasing’ from her Not-gay-in-the-slightest-boyfriend, and how she was just giving in to her primal urge for ‘a bit’. Jacob was the only one who was actually willing to bang her little fag-hag-ass! Anyway the cheeseburger defends both of their behaviour… Good one there… the epitome of feminism.

    OMG where’s the bucket…

    How did I ever make it through this book?

  100. “I try to have a chapter recap done every Tuesday and Sunday, with a little something extra on Fridays…”

    *sigh*

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      She probably maintains this the same way I maintain all my “for fun” projects: if and when she feels like it. *shrug*

      • But it’s not for fun! What could possibly be fun about it? IT’S PUBLIC SERVICE.

        Also, where is her mother, who usually comments by now? Just thought I’d mention that.

  101. Frances Spoon Says:

    yeah, i’m a little worried actually. it’s been almost 2 months with no comments from either Rachel or her mother. it could be that she’s just taking a break, which Rachel is more than entitled to… but i think it’s really odd that in her last post, she mentioned that she was ahead in her recaps. so, Rachel, even if you’re not up to posting any recaps at the moment, could you at least let us know that you’re ok?

    (ps – hi guys! i’m new to posting)

  102. Because I have nothing better to do and cause the idea just sort of popped up in my head I wanted to say, maybe Rachel doesn’t update for long periods of time in order to get more people to read and comment on this blog. Maybe so that if she gets enough people commenting and reading she can prove that these rants should be published as a deep insightful book.I’m a long time reader of this blog and I just sort of noticed that pattern.Still, either way I will patiently wait for updates.8)

  103. Genevieve Says:

    Actually, Rachel, I’m getting kind of scared too…
    It’s been 2 months.
    Have you given up on recapping (I don’t blame you if you have. The books are horrible)?
    Or are you planning an epic recap to ‘celebrate’ New Moon?
    I sincerely hope it’s the latter.

    • alaskan-salmon Says:

      maybe she’s busy. i have my hsc at the moment (i’m having a break from study okay, i just did a test), so maybe she’s busy with work or something and just can’t get around to analysing (looking-at-with-brain-still-in-skull) the brick of writing.
      either that or she’s dead, but seeing as her mum apparently reads it as well, she probably would have left a comment.
      …unless there was a point in the book that she read that made her braindead and her mother read it too and everyone with any intelligence became braindead by reading it and now they are currently rampaging zombies munching on the flesh of twitards because they don’t have brains… there was a lot of brains in thats… mmmm
      (that becoming braindead from reading something was based on the funniest joke in the world in monty python that was so funny it killed people, but zombies gatecrashed it)

      … what was i talking about?

  104. I can’t blame Rachel if she doesn’t want to continue, but it is irksome when somebody sets their own schedule and then doesn’t keep to it, or even say that they are done or needing to change the schedule again. I’ve seen this happen on just about every popular not-for-profit fun website I’ve ever read, so it’s not surprising but it never gets any more fun to see that something I (and so many others) enjoy appears abandoned.

    Maybe Rachel could nominate a successor to the blog, if she’s done with it. Pottersues on livejournal did that years ago because the original person running it wasn’t able to continue for whatever reason and they chose somebody to continue it for them, gave them the logon, and let them become Pottersues in turn.

  105. I just got some candy. It was peanut butter covered with milk chocolate. No, it was not reeses buttercup, it was [i]New Moon candy[/i]. It had angry!Jacob on the front and the chocolate itself had a howling wolf on it

    I ate it anyway. It wasn’t great, but surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, and gave me this gem of a line:
    “New Moon candy? What is it, bad plot flavored?”

    My cousin’s awesome like that.

  106. So I think I’ve been tolerating the almost constant stream of New Moon commercials fairly well. But I think it finally broke me today. Has anyone else seen the new Volvo commercial? The one featuring Edward. They’ve even created a site for it http://www.whatdrivesedward.com. Help me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

    Also, I REALLY miss the updates. And, Rachel, if you’re stopping, please just let us know.

    • I just seen it… and my vist reaction was, “Oh you got to be joking” with a healthy dose of “WTF” and “ewww.”

    • I saw it and kept thinking “This is just a joke…just a joke…Oh, who am I kidding, we’re screwed.”

  107. Softspoken Says:

    I surrender. It’s been a month, you’re dead on the internet now. *nodnod*.

  108. Genevieve Says:

    I have decided…
    to go a week without checking this blog. It’s currently 9:39 on a Saturday morning, so…
    I’ll check for updates in a week.
    This is to battle my addiction with this site.

  109. Addled Maven Says:

    Hi. First time poster, been lurking on this site since about the start of the New Moon recaps.

    Speaking of New Moon, the trailers and the talk are driving me crazy. I hear it everywhere. In reckless abandon, lack of concern for my own health, and recap withdrawl, I’ve taken to chewing Twitards out in public. And today I have heard something interesting.

    I live up in Michigan, and apparently the actor who plays Carlisle is visiting a mall up here. As a raging anti and an aspiring author, I’m wondering… Should I do anything? I mean, if the actor is a hater like R. Patterson, or the dreaded opposite… Well either way I feel like I must know.

    Also, my entire LA college class really misses the recaps Rachel. We hope you’re doing alright. Please come back to us soon. =3

  110. MildlyAmused Says:

    I know I hardly ever post and when I do I only have things YOU CANNOT UNSEE but as a mother of two, THIS IS WRONG.

    http://www.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Imprinted-Jacob-Black-Baby-Sleeper/Detail-3388/Marketplace/Products/detail/article/4976250/department/3/

    • CANNOT UNSEE!
      Wow…just…
      Wow.
      I.
      What? Did they really do that?
      I’m filled with an odd combination of disgust and indigestion.

    • MY EYES!!!!!

    • …I…Give…Up…

      This is insane. Who in their right mind would encourage an adult to essentially hit on their infant!?!?! It’s usually pretty hard to offend me, but for some reason sh*t like this just really bugs me. Really. How is this in anyway shape or form ok!?

      Ugh.

    • That is just… on so many levels… and on top of the fact that I found out one of my coworkers was a Twimom last night who said about the relationships and portrayal thereof in the books that it was okay because – and I quote – “It’s just fiction.”
      *sniffle* I can’t take much more of this…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      … I… I… I feel sick…

    • wow. that’s … that’s… wow. wowwww

  111. One of my friends imparted me with this gem of a line.
    He’s a twihater as well.
    “Sparklepires: Because not all men who glitter missed the pride parade.”
    I hope this phenomenon dies down soon. They’re saying this series is akin to Harry Potter. I’m fairly certain that J.K. wouldn’t use the pages of Twilight to wipe her posterior. Smeyer should be ashamed of herself.

  112. I almost lost it today. I don’t know what I was about to lose but…
    At the restuarant where I work, I saw a five or six year-old reading Breaking Dawn. DEAR GOD. When one of my coworkers heard me sigh and ask what was wrong, I told her what I saw and my boss declared, “I LOVE THOSE BOOKS!”

    …….

  113. I hate to say this, but I’ve kinda given up on Rachel continuing this. I looked damn near daily for quite some time for an update. And now I’m lucky if I check twice a week. :( I guess she just gave up. I hope not. I love this blog so much, but I honestly get kinda disappointed when I look and nothing’s changed. I suppose I could stop being lazy and just read the damn book myself, but I’m not that bored yet. :)

    • Katie Cole Says:

      I know that you can not delete a blog that you create on wordpress. I made one years ago but when I got tired of it I wanted to delete, but it doesn’t let you.

  114. I highly doubt Rachel would just leave us without saying goodbye. If she did decide to close the blog, I’m almost positive she would tell us.

    • I’m going with computer crash. Or the aliens vampires got her.

      Ooh, let’s play Wild Mass Guessing!

      • Maybe her boyfriend turned out to be a vampire that actually sparkles and she lost her mind, killed him, and is on the run. These blogs would count as evidence!

        • Beyond_Dimensions Says:

          Government Conspiracy. SMeyers in league with Big Tobacco and the government shut this blog down.

          • Perhaps she’s finished the book and SMyer has out done herself in the icky-creepy-ew factor so much so that poor, poor Rachel has burned the books, locked herself in her room and turned off all the lights. (Highly unlikely, I know) But, I have confidence that Rachel will recover and one day she will lead a march for the Anti Twilight brigade! Maybe to promote comprehensible and logical literature.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Realistic answer: Just procrastinating.

              Not so realistic answer: The characters in the books came alive, brought to life by her margin scribbles which by chance doubled as an evil summoning circle of materialization! And now our Rachel has to trek around the world, tracking these characters down and killing them/stuffing them back into the book, even the ones she liked because this is post-personality-derailing! So she has to fight hordes of fans before she can get to the final bosses of the actual characters!

  115. Frances Spoon Says:

    …folks, i think we have a winner.

  116. I wonder if we can hit 1000 comments.

  117. Just had to post an epic MLIA.

    “Today, while taking a walk outside, I passed a girl who looked about 11. She was singing to the tune “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” but with some of the words changed. I didn’t realize what she was singing until I heard “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. His name is Edward Cullen so be ready to get raped.” you have restored my faith in today’s youth, little girl. MLIA”

  118. We could always make up our own on here. A good way to pass time waiting for the next recap AND prepare for the holiday season. :-D

    • You better watch out
      He’s not gonna die
      He won’t let you shout
      But he’ll make you cry
      Sparklepires are coming to town

      His voice is a hiss
      His skin is like ice
      Run away now cause he’s really not nice
      Sparklepires are coming to town

      He sees you when you’re sleeping
      He knows when you’re awake
      His name is Edward Cullen
      So be ready to get raped

      Oh, you better watch out
      He’s not gonna die
      He won’t let you shout
      But he’ll make you cry

      Sparklepires are coming to town
      Sparklepires are coming to town

      • Do you mind if I steal this from you? I REALLY wanna start singing this around Twihards…

        • Addled Maven Says:

          I’m already singing it. At every single fan I know.

          • I sang it to the kids in my Theatre group. (I say kids, but half of them are older than me…) They LOVED it. I think I’m the personal hero of a couple of them now.

            And I heard a random person singing it today. Made me happy!

      • beyonddimensions Says:

        I totally jacked this. O.o Ilu

      • I read this and a few days later they were playing the Santa Claus version of this in Khols, so my boyfriend heard me saying loudly: “His name is Edward Cullen so be ready to get raped!”
        Thankfully he doesn’t know who this Edward Cullen is but laughed anyway.

  119. http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20308569_20317217,00.html

    i so need a copy of this book….

    • I AM GETTING THIS.
      If only to cheer me up when people ask if I’m into Twilight after they see me doodling cute vampire faces on my notes…

      • I tell those people that there’s this lady named Ann Rice who could WHUP SMeyer asleep with both hands tied behind her back.

        …. And then they ask me who this “Ann Rice” person is, and I do a faceplant into the nearest desk.

        • They–they don’t know Anne Rice? HOW CAN YOU MISS INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE?

          Sorry, I run into way too many people who use ‘vampire fangirl’ as a synonym for ‘Twilight fangirl’. Guh…

        • …That’s just sad…I knew who Ann Rice was BEFORE I even started reading vampire lit. Hell, I even knew who the characters were in her vampire chronicles and what the plot was like (but I can thank my vampire-loving Twilight-hating friend for that. :) ).

  120. So this guy, Hank Green (I assume some of you know about him) wrote a song on youtube about Twilight link here:

    http://www.youtube.com/comment_servlet?all_comments&v=Wbn9F32TaA0&fromurl=/watch%3Fv%3DWbn9F32TaA0

    There was a semi-fierce comment war for a while, and I just had to-
    well, you’ll see.

    Twihater: i love it, it’s so true to. Bella only loves him cause he is ‘gorgeous’ and Mysterious (maybe even rich.) He only loves bella cause she smells nice, not a good foundation for a relationship

    Twihard:if you actually read the fucking books,
    you would know that edward loves bella because shes smart and independent, loving and kind, different from everyone else and deep.

    bella loves edward because he’s romantic and old fashioned, caring, sensitive, makes her smile, and they can be together forever.

    Twihater: I read the books, and they’re painfully shallow. Bella is a petulant little shit. She’s about as deep as a pothole. Ditto for Ed.

    Twihard: You must not have read the 5th one.

    Twihater: Oh yeah, definitely. Four of them just isn’t enough for me to form an educated opinion. I totally need to read the fifth, incomplete, internet-leaked illegal copyright-violation crap rag. How could I possibly know what I’m talking about without reading that? That will make the other four books magically not suck, and Bella and Edward likable somehow.

    /sarcasm

    Twihard: Not illegal! Stephanie Meyer (sp?) put it on her website so fans COULD. :P and they did not suck!
    i’m not obsessed but you obviously are just jealous.

    Twihater: She put it on her website AFTER it had been leaked to the public. Illegally. The version on her website has been edited to make her writing look less terrible than it was in the unedited, leaked version.

    I’m not jealous. I’m disgusted. This is a terrible series about superficial, shallow, unlikable characters. There are far better books for teens that should be getting more attention. Twilight is drivel.

    Other Twihater: you mean bella is a typical teen-aged hooker ?

    Twihard: nope. Bella is very clumsy, not the prettiest girl, or so strong.
    but she is strong willed, independent, and so smart.
    and Edward loves her for who she is. not what she is.

    Twihater: but Bella only likes Edward for his looks I’m mean like she NEVER says anything for his personality lol

    Twihard: yes she does. she loves how hes classy, smart, sophisticated, charming, fun to be around, his sense of humor, and that he loves her for who she is

    Twihater:but all she goes on about is how gorgeous he is (which he is) but its like , in new moon she dose all thos crazy thing to see him and i mean she couldnt give a shit about hering hime speak or anything ells just seeing is “beautiful” face? thats just stpid

    *agreeing*

    Twihater: if Bella’s so strong willed, independent, and smart,
    why is it that the second Edward leaves her in New Moon, she falls to pieces? A strong person would continue to live their life not just be there, an independent person would get over it and realize that a man should never complete you, but compliment you, and a smart person would not attempt to kill themselves just to hear their ex’s voice.

    Twihard: Love. true love, i would do it. And it you found true love, you probably would too.

    *facepalm*

    • Wow. Whenever I get really bored I read comment fights. :)
      Anyone else notice that the Twihard keeps coming up with the same excuses over and over again?

    • beyonddimensions Says:

      I remember reading somewhere that we choose our mates (at a primal level, of course) based on smell. It’s not the complete basis of a relationship, but it does couple with the initial physical attraction to a person.

      Based on that, perhaps Edward is just really, really in tune with his primal side? So much so he doesn’t see what a fuckwad Bella actually is because she smells so good.

      All of this is, of course, giving SMeyers and her characters faaaaar too much credit, but I know I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t smell good. :D

    • Hurray! Another Nerdfghter!! I love that song quite a lot and kudos to you for fighting the suck.

  121. Hey, random subject change here, but I have lost the link to the Alice/Bella fanfiction over on FF.net someone posted a link to a while ago… Does anyone know the link? All this Twilight crap is making me want to read about Alice’s secret love for Bella… :P

  122. Since we’re sharing – and by the way, the last book suggestion looked awesome – I offer this. http://www.cracked.com/blog/my-book-proposal-for-the-next-bestselling-piece-of-shit/ I so wish they would actually turn this into a full book.

    Also, apparently my friends and I are planning on dressing up like vampire hunters and sitting in the parking lot watching a real vampire movie (not yet determined) on some sort of set up we’re throwing together for the New Moon premiere. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  123. i just saw something truly horrifying on the news. apparently, it’s not just huge chain stores that are capitalizing on twilight. a local dentist (Philadephia area) is making veneers (sp?) for several hundred dollars so that teenagers can have CUSTOM VAMPIRE FANGS. yeah, apparently the halloween store just isn’t good enough anymore.

    haha, on the plus side, my boss was bitching about the whole new moon craze the other day while we were unpacking boxes of displays. I love my coworkers :)

    • actually, that’s not new. there was a vampire sub-culture for years/decade(s?) before twilight. custom fangs are/have been a staple for them for almost as long.

      but it’s part of the ACTUAL vampire subculture. which includes (but isn’t limited to) dressing in (some times, over the top) vampire-esque clothing (darks, reds, pail-skin, cloaks/caps ect.), blood-play (that’s right, actually drinking human blood. (like omg, how could some one do that and call them self a vampire?!!1one!ELEVEN!)), sleeping in coffins, nocturnal activities, NOT WEARING FUCKING BODY GLITTER, and other thing ACTUAL vampires would do.

      it’s just a subculture that tends to stick to itself (and dark, shadowy corners) so you hardly ever hear about it. twilight fans (wow… that was actually painful to type…) are just capitalizing on a subculture that was already there.

      • It’s not just the vampire subculture either. Some members of the furry community also go in for that. Pretty much any kind of subculture revolving around beings with sharp teeth make use of those.

      • I gotta admit. The ‘real’ vampire subculture sort of scares me. It’s the blood drinking that’s frightening. I mean, do they even screen their donors before drinking their blood? Or is there the vamp subculture filled with people who are at risk for/have lots of blood born diseases?

    • I feel a little bad for remembering this, but…in Twilight, vampires don’t have fangs.

      That’s right. Twifans are mixing mythologies to get a half-decent one. HIDE YOUR GOOD BOOKS!

      • whow, whow, WHOW, WHOW, WAIT!

        i MUST have had something RETARDED in my eye, because i could swear you just posted that vampires don’t have fangs, and that..

        just…

        CAN NOT,

        POSSIBLY,

        IN ANY WAY,

        BE TRUE!

        NO! just, NO!

        I REFUSE!

        creatures of the night, whom DRINK BLOOD VIA BITING HAVE TO HAVE FANGS! PERIOD! END OF FUCKING SENTENCE!

        i mean, up till now, it’s just been pants on head fucking retarded, and some how popular. but this is a whole new level! this is a level of stupid i never wanted to know was possible! this?! this is just…

        berglehfdaiurg;kakrga;kjrgfrajhkeyjfakehwbfa!!!!!!

        NO HUMAN WORDS POSSIBLE!

        AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

        GuRgle bLeRgLe bleck sputter…. poot!

        *dies*

        • nope. just ALL of their teeth are apparently surgical-scalpel-sharp. something about how Edward can’t let Bella slip him any tongue because she’d slice her tongue off etc.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            Honestly, I though the “no fangs” thing was actually a nice take. Makes obtaining blood a more difficult and gruesome and less romantic. But, no fangs because all their teeth are scalpels? Great. Juuuuust great… I should have known. Anything that makes something less romantic would be compensated for. Bleck.

            • … you know, honestly. I would be totally okay with “vampires don’t actually have fangs, because all their teeth are diamond-strong and scalpel-sharp” IF:

              1) they actually used their teeth to, um, tear into delicious moist humans and suck them dry (I totally agree with you, this could be such an awesome idea if it was gruesome and un-romantic)

              2) maybe even they -looked- pretty normal, as in, no crazy hairdos, pallid complexions, and DEFINITELY NO SPARKLING.

              … as, I mean, i can see this being a “vampires pretty much look like normal humans” trait… would it make it that much easier to stalk & hunt prey.

              you know it frustrates me sometimes how easily Smeyer’s stupid ideas can be quickly turned around into something almost decent. :|

        • “i MUST have had something RETARDED in my eye”

          I love you.

          *giggles happily*

          I think I’m going to deface the New Moon posters with that. Thank you kindly.

          • yeah, it’s a variant of “Wait, sorry, i must have had something retarded in my ear because i could have sworn you just said: *insert retardedness*”

      • Oh Christ, no! The only thing that cheer me up when my friends start talking about Twilight is thinking of Edward accidentally biting Bella’s tongue in half with his fangs while they kiss, and now it turns out he don’t even have them…

        Now i’m just telling myself that sparklepires are genetically defective.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      … Those fangs are removable, right? When they grow out of it, they can be removed without removing actual teeth, right? For some reason, I feel like that dentist should have his license revoked… Assuming dentists get licenses…

      • Umm… not sure on that front. If nothing else, you could file them down? I think the dentist was going into it with the same assumption disclaimer that a tattoo artist would: that the recipient of said veneers has thought this through thoroughly and has come to the conclusion that they want to live with this addition to their physique for the rest of their life.

        And yes, dentists have licenses.

      • I know that some people get their actual teeth filed to points. That, I imagine, you couldn’t remove.

        *shudder*

        • correct, filing can’t be removed – as it is removing parts of your teeth. as such it also makes the teeth appear smaller (which to me adds to the shark look)

      • Now that I think about it, you have to be able to remove them, they use them for movies because teeth makeup would be all too time consuming to be worth it. By the time you got your teeth on, there would be no time left to shoot, yet you don’t see Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas or Tom Cruise walking around with nasty, wicked, pointy teeth.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Mmmm~… Antonio Banderas…

        • there are removable AND permanent fang veneers.

          you can go to a costume shop and buy some decent quality plastic fangs that actually look pretty good without close examination. these are, of course, totally removable — the fangs are hollow and come with an epoxy you mix and pour into them, then custom-fit, so they snap on and off your teeth.
          as they are plastic though, they don’t last forever if you wear them a lot, and it’s most definitely recommended you don’t eat or drink with them on.

          dentists can fit folks for higher-quality (usually porcelain) fangs that work like the plastic ones – custom fit, can be taken on & off easily, shouldn’t eat with them – OR permanent veneers that are, indeed, built directly onto your teeth.

          (not that veneers are building onto your teeth, and can enlarge them, giving you fangs longer than your incisors …. filing just removes part of the tooth, so it can make your “fangs” sharp but they will be smaller)

      • as far as licensing goes, most dentists probably wouldn’t even think about permanent fang veneers. and those that do are really careful to explain THIS IS PERMANENT DAMMIT and make the patients sign a waiver (not that it stops sue-happy America)…

        and some work around loopholes, along with waivers.

        (for example, dermal anchors are illegal in Nevada, but some piercers still do them. they intentionally mislabel the procedure, and part of the waiver signed by the piercee is agreeing that they had a “surface piercing” done instead, so they can’t later turn around and sic the law on the piercer.)

    • …I thought the sparklepires didn’t have fangs….?

  124. I’ve started giving out the link to this website to people I know (ugh) that are Twihards. “Check out this awesome Twilight site,” I say. “A friend of mine is reading the books and posting about them chapter by chapter!”

    … now I want to print this link off several times on a piece of paper, cut them up, and go to bookstores and insert/tape it into Twilight books.

    • Hah!
      I tried to do that, but I find that people I know who are fans of Twilight don’t go on the internet often.
      But putting this link in books…I gotta try that sometime…

      • I think I may just put free bookmarks (made of really cheap paper) with “Douglas Adams. Anne Rice. Neil Gaiman. Terry Pratchett. Kelley Armstrong. The five-year-old down the road (she’s writing some pretty awesome stuff in kindergarten/reception class). ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.” written on them.

  125. I read the leaked pages from the book from Eddie’s POV and it hurt my soul :(

    Especially since he spent so much time having hardcore fantasies about murdering her but then never did it. Pussy.

    • I know. I was really hoping he’d go into more detail about how he’d kill her…
      instead, we get page after fucking page on how brilliant his self-control is.
      Also, remember how Stephenie Meyer wrote on her website she wouldn’t continue writing Midnight Sun because she’d end up making James kill Bella (or something to that effect)? Imagine if she had continued writing it. I would so buy a book in which she dies.

      • I never read it, so I don’t remember it, no =P

        Really? She thought she’d end up killing her cheeseburger? GOD! The woman had a twinge of authordom! SHE ALMOST UNDERSTOOD THE NECESSITY OF ENDING A BOOK HOW THE STORY ENDS, NOT HOW SHE FUCKING WANTS IT TO.

        I don’t get how Eddie didn’t kill Bella. I mean, once you’ve said “I’m evil” around twenty times and planned out around four different ways to kill her without being caught… just do it already, right? We get that you’re scary and evil and can plan innocent girls’ deaths. Now. Kill her.

        • Addled Maven Says:

          But you’re forgetting that Edward is a wuss.

          • And that he is SOOO romantic and THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
            Remember, gentleman won’t act on their murderous thoughts of a certain woman, because that would be the equivalant of hurting a puppy.
            That, or his tortured soul is supposed to add to the beauty of his body glitter ERR I mean sparkling of skin.
            …I think I’m reading into this too much. DAMN THE INTERPRETER IN ME

  126. He sees you when you’re sleeping!
    He knows when you’re awake!
    His name is Edward Cullen!
    so be ready to get raped!

  127. So my neighbor is a Twimom, and her 5-year old, who I babysit informed me that her mommy is pregnant. Apparently she has two names picked out already. Blossom for a girl, and Edward for a boy. Knowing this woman, I know it’s not a coincidence. Poor kid. I never thought I’d be hoping someone would name their child Blossom, but I gotta say, the name Blossom is starting to sound really appealing to me. I just hope she doesn’t change her mind if she has a girl and go for Bella instead.

    • No, no. She’ll have fratnernal twins, and name one Edward and one Bella. Th unfortunate implications will either be lost on her or used to push them closer, leading to an awkward social situation.

      On the bright side, this will make them rebellious, leading to Edward becoming genuinely tough and caring, and Bella developing a spectacular personality.

  128. I’ve lost all hope that this will ever start up again, but yet I still keep torturing myself by checking almost every day. Oh how I miss this blog so!

  129. Man, I’ve read this entire blog in like 2 days and it looks like it hasn’t been updated for awhile.

    I hope you’re okay, Rachel!

  130. Addled Maven Says:

    Perhaps she’s going to surprise us all with a mega-update on the release of New Moon.

    Or at least I hope so, because I miss this place

  131. This is a comment on the New York Times review of New Moon:

    “Bella IS a strong woman. She is an old soul in a teen’s body & her thinking goes way beyond the usual teen things. She has had to be responsible for her loveable but sometimes flighty Mom. She is able to see and understand much about the character of the Cullens and wws. She is no match for Victoria and has to stay under the ww’s protection. Entering the prescense of the Volturi is not for the weak! What a fabululous saga to follow! BTW I am 57 and have many friends who LOVE the books & movies”

    I think a little part of me just died.

    • …That doesn’t even sound like someone who is 57…

    • An old soul still implies Bella has a personality and can be related to… last I checked (and remembered) she is barely a character and had no true development to make her anything more then an immature teenager that is trying to act like an adult.

      Yeah, besides the beginning of a rant, I totally agree with you on the fact that a little part just died.

    • JuiceBox Says:

      57 year olds do not use ‘BTW’. At least, not the type of 57 year-old who would be taken in by this drivel. Or probably frequent (sp? god I hate being on ie. In browser spellchecks are a must for current gen browsers) twilight internet forums, fansite, ect. to write wws (which I assume is an abrieviation for werewolfs, what else?) rather than just spell it out.

      Also, this 57 year-old

      • JuiceBox Says:

        f-ing ie, I wasn’t finished!

        Also, 57 year-old women could be well aquainted with technology, message boards, chatspeak, ect. I guess I just stereotype those women to be a little higher on the cerebral scale than these books.

        Maybe enjoy them as dumb fodder, but defend? I find that hard to believe.

  132. this is great.

    • “Oh shit you’re still alive?”

      “Yes”

      “Get in the car loser we’re going sparkling”

      That made my day! It’s little things like those that remind me the world hasn’t completely lost it’s mind. :)

  133. For my art class our teacher made us paint pictures of mythological beings…fairies, mermaids, elves, etc. (most of the girls were doing vampires or werewolves)
    A girl in my class did Edward Cullen. I was prepared to be disgusted when she presented it today, but then when she held it up…
    edward’s ENTIRE HEAD was made of silver glitter. I mean, literally. no eyes or nose or anything.
    It seemed really funny to me at the time, but I suppose you have to see it to appreciate it.
    I was one of the two girls who cracked up with laughter.

  134. Read this in The Age newspaper online, it made my day, I had to share ^_^

    http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/twilight-girls-learn-to-give-up-all-for-love-20091118-imfx.html?autostart=1

    “For more than a century, Jo March and Anne Shirley have been teaching little girls that there is more to life than hooking up with a rich, handsome bloke.
    Now, in 2009, we have a heroine who tells them that it’s worth their family, their education and their soul. Bella may well be immortal, but I hope for the sake of all little girls that Jo and Anne outlive her.”

    Hopefully this resurrects that little part of anyone that died after reading the New York Times review of New Moon :p

  135. *sigh*
    So New Moon came out today, and already there are hundreds of reviews up on yahoo. Here’s one that stood out.

    “I read a few of the reviews before posting this and have to wonder if some of them have actually seen the movie…such as the one who “hates the books and Twilight the movie” but still wasted money never the less and wrote a 2 line review. What?

    New Moon was amazing. For those of you who have read and love the books, it follows the story line a lot closer then the first one ever did. It was genious. Actors were wonderful from Bella (Kristen really showed a great performance that had so much challenges to it) to the humans (they were so funny… they were deffinately the comic relief in a serious movie.) Taylor is a perfect Jacob. He was amazing. Rob was of course the perfect Edward. The Volturi are so creapy. Jane gave me chills. Aro was amazing. I loved the wolf pack, and of course, you have to mention Charlie, Harry Clearwater, and everyone else that I am simply too tired to think of. They were all wonderful.

    Chris Weitz is a genious. The way he brought the movie together was just the most amazing of all. It was the best finished results of directing ever with bringing a book to screen.

    Finally the music. There are so many different opinions of the music. Some people love it… some hate. There was one that hated the music during the fight scenes. I don’t even remember the music in the fight scenes. So with that being said…I will have to go see the movie again which I am very willing to do.

    I saw it last night…I am seeing it again today…and I will be seeing it once more next week for sure. Then I will be seeing it a fourth time with my husband and a fifth time with my daughter. I know for sure I will be seeing it that many times plus any more I can make an excuse to make. Watching or reading anything multiple times…in my opinion…really shows just how good of a movie or book it really is. Seeing and reading New Moon is a must.”

    ….That made my grammar hurt.

    • I wonder what a “genious” is . . .

    • At the beginning, I thought this was written by a 13 or 14 year old. I was very surprised when I saw it was someone married and with a child old enough to see Twilight. I feel sorry for her daughter.

      On another note, here is something quite hilarious to listen, even though it is a bit long:

      http://my.spill.com/profiles/blogs/new-moon-audio-review

      • i’m really hoping that it’s someone who got pregnant in high school and got married as a result, as sad as that is. i feel sorry for her brain cells. they must be very lonely.

      • best. review. ever.

        i love anyone who thinks bella is a pain in the ass pretentious bitch.

    • It scares me that this person has a family, yet can’t come up with another word for “amazing” or a better way to describe things…

      to quote my brother: “The romance is cheezy. But I want to see it for the wolves!”

      • So I went to see New Moon with my Twi-fan friend. She went for the swooning, I went for the wolves. Also, I hadn’t seen the first movie so I was somewhat curious about how sparklepires look.

        The movie wasn’t too bad, considering. It was like watching a comedy, I was constantly trying to stifle my giggles for the sake of the engrossed fan sitting next to me.

        The wolves were pretty. Apart from the very first one, which caused me to blurt out “AAARGH IT’S A BEAR-DOG” in horror, I was loving the detailed wolfy faces and fur.

        But the sparkles… oh, that had me in stitches. It was like.. a diamond-shine/glitter lip gloss (but for skin), as though it belonged on a L’Oreal ad.. was half expecting Sir Sparklepire to turn around, pout, and be all Heather Locklear breathy. (despite not needing to breathe.)

        Although I actually quite like Heather Locklear.

        • Yay wolves! At least they didn’t mess it up too much. :)

          Yeah, the first time I saw Twilight, I thought the sparkling was some type of skin disease…

  136. I do believe I’m going through a update withdrawal (not really, but to keep checking with no results is getting to be kind of a bummer). So, I dug up my old, dusty copy of Twilight. I bought it when it first came out and up until now have never touched it. So, since I’ve never actually read the books and Rachel’s taking such a long break, I decided to have a go at it myself. I kid you not, it took me nearly 30 minutes just to get through chapter 1. I read, and read, and reread until my brain melted just to make sure what I was reading was really there. >:| God, I dunno how Rachel does it. Brain of steel she has, I tell you.

    • i tried rereading eclipse. i can’t get through it. i’ve read it a few times already, but now, for some reason, my brain wants to leak out my ears.

  137. If the books are so horrible, why are you reading them? Isn’t there something better you can do with your time? I mean, the fandom drives me to suicide, but I’m not gonna spend all of my time picking it apart.

    Just sayin’.

    • Because we enjoy talking with people who dislike the books as well, as we are inundated with fans of the series and it’s nice to know you’re not alone?

      Human behaviour.

      • Precisely.

        And it doesn’t help that you’re mistreated for not liking the books. That’s my situation, at least.

  138. Crazyfishie Says:

    Anyone looksing for some funny snark to tide them over should check out Spill.com. they have posted Audio and Video reviews for the New Moon movie. :D

    i’d post a link, but it won’t let me…

  139. Frances Spoon Says:

    has anyone tried e-mailing Rachel?

    with all this New Moon craziness going on right now, i’d kill for an appropriately sardonic chapter summary. or even just an update.

    *sniff* please come back.

    • I emailed her two weeks ago and she didn’t respond. I hope that she is doing alright! If you are out there and you don’t want to continue, please let us know that you are okay at least.

      • I hope she doesn’t mind me saying this…

        But I know she is alive and well. (I have my sources. Not her e-mail. No, I have no idea if she intends to pick up this blog again or not, though I hope so!)

  140. I’ve lost faith in humanity. Granted, I didn’t have much in the first place, but still.

    Usually, I don’t care what people read. I don’t like Harry Potter, but the writing isn’t bad, and there’s a plot and characters with motivations. The fans also aren’t as bad. Twilight portrays an abusive relationship as being “romantic”. Aside from the characters with no personality, the protagonist having no purpose other than being a plot device, and there being no actual conflict in the plot, it’s badly written. Abusing adverbs doesn’t make you sound smart. Greenly is not a word. Iridescent and luminescent are not synonyms. I’m also pretty sure the only reason these books are popular is because Bella’s lack of personality allows the reader to pretend they’re her, which is also probably what Smeyer intended in the first place, since the books are based on a dream she had.

    Now, I’m sure everyone here is aware of how these “books” are an abomination to literature. They really shouldn’t have been published. And thank you, Rachel, for allowing me to live the Twilight experience without having to touch one of the books and keep most of my brain cells intact.

    I’ve been reading and enjoying this blog for months. Now I have decided to say something. Something horrifying happened yesterday.

    Yesterday, at my college, in the middle of class, the professor, a middle-aged woman with a family and a Master’s, said she wanted to see New Moon, but the tickets were sold out. College professor. In class. Art history class, for that matter. I spoke with her after class. She said she liked the “romance” and “friendship”. Thanks to this blog, I was able to debate with her, and eventually get her to concede, without having read the books myself. Apparently, she forgot the part where Edward removes the engine from Bella’s car so she can’t visit Jacob. And the who stalking thing. And controlling every aspect of her life. The college professor then went on about Bella’s strong friendship with Jacob. I said that Jacob only cared about her because he was in love with her uterus. The professor didn’t see much of a problem with that. She said that Bella and Jacob had a strong friendship. He thought they were more than friends because she led him on. Because she felt bad for him. The professor did say Bella was whiny, and the whole being suicidal while not missing a day of school and getting perfect grades thing is unrealistic. She also acknowledged that the writing is terrible, but she still like the garbage. I couldn’t change her mind about it, but I did ask her to try Jim Butcher, and she wrote the name down, at least. Thomas Raith can kick Edward’s sparkly ass and look good doing it. And then sex Bella to death.

    Right now, Jim Butcher is the only thing that’s keeping my sanity. There’s Twitards at my school. They’re at the school where my mom teaches dental assisting. There’s Twilight ads on TV and all over the internet. There’s no escape. This blog has also helped me cope; it’s good to know that there’s other people out there who don’t think Twilight is an amazing story of romance and friendship.

    It is nice to know that Robert Pattinson hates Twilight and Smeyer, too. I honestly don’t find him attractive; the guy doesn’t wash his hair. At least he has a brain in his greasy head.

    If anyone wants to read modern first-person fantasy with vampires done right, read The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. The main character is a wizard named Harry. Dresden. Oh, and he rides a zombie dinosaur in one of the books. There’s different types of vampires, though they’re not the focus of the story. There’s the Red Court, with addictive narcotic saliva, who, under their flesh masks, look like greasy bat monsters. They, like the Black Court, have all the traditional vampire weaknesses. Bram Stoker’s Dracula was published as an instruction manual for killing Black Court vampires. They’re incredibly strong, hard to kill, and look like rotting corpses. Then there’s the White Court, who are physically the weakest vampires, but they look completely human, and don’t have and of the traditional vampire weaknesses. They don’t have fangs, and don’t even drink blood. They feed directly on life energy; how they feed depends on the line. The Raith line feeds on sexual energy. They’re succubi and incubi. They can seduce a human without even thinking about it, and you’ll like when they kill you. They’re only weakness is true love. If a person is in love, and is loved it return, their flesh burns a White Court vampire.

    Rachel, if you’re reading this, thank you for providing a bastion of sanity in a world full of morons. I also like your sense of humor. It’s a shame the updates have stopped, but I’m impressed you made it as far as you did.

    • RPattz was quoted saying that he purposely doesn’t wash his hair or bathe because his filth keeps some of the insane fans away. Not all, but some of them. Poor RPattz.

      • Dang, if that’s true — the poor, poor guy. I wondered why he looked so scruffy all the time. Good thing he’s raking in the big bucks for this monstrosity.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Greenly is a word. Rachel checked and so did I.

      • Huh. Well, “unfriend” is a word now, too. And luminescent and iridescent still aren’t synonyms. Smeyer’s writing style makes it seem like she thinks big words and many, many adverbs somehow make her look smart. I would guess that she writes with a thesaurus. I can’t think of how else she could mix up luminescent and iridescent like that.

      • Yeah, and so is “darkish”.

        I still disapprove of them both *hmph*

    • “Thomas Raith can kick Edward’s sparkly ass and look good doing it. And then sex Bella to death.”

      You have now made my day.

      • Jetpacking Werewolves GO! Says:

        Damn! I’ve been so brainwashed by Twilight I completely forgot who Thomas was before you expanded on the succubi and incubi stuff.

  141. I just checked iGoogle for ‘twilight’ gadgets.
    One of them was a Quote of the Day thing. Today’s quote is:
    You’re so small to be so hugely irritating (-Edward Cullen)
    Even her boyfriend admits it.

  142. I just saw a girl defending New Moon call a guy a chauvinist pig for insulting it. LOLOLOLOL

  143. So…just back from a weekend honor choir trip, which meant I saw a movie theatre I usually don’t go to. They were, of course, hyping up the new Twilight movie, because it’s gonna get them a lot of money, and it was opening weekend. Pretty cool, actually, a guy dressed up as a more traditional vampire, some handmade movie posters, etc. The best, though, would have to be the ice cream flavors–they matched them up with the characters.

    Birthday Cake (which was also their ‘flavor of the month’)-Edward Cullin [sic]
    Vanilla-Bella Swan
    Mississippi Mud Pie-Seattle Emo Mud Pie

  144. Hey, everyone! I’m back from watching New Moon with my (quite tolerant) Twilighter friend and her sister. Spoilers, if anyone cares.

    Surprisingly enough, Jacob alone made the movie really tolerable. Blatant eye-candy, but his personality was good enough to cover all the boring that would have made the film as intolerable as Twilight. I had a few issues with him, including the mandatory melodrama that comes with being a SMeyer character and the “I’m dangerous, stay away” shit he pulled. But, over all, I say Jacob was quite the charmer.

    Bella’s an ungrateful shitbag, to be frank. Her father deserves so much more respect than she gives him. My father is like the Charlie portrayed in the films, so it’s hard not to take it personally when Bella mistreats him ALL the time.

    Edward is still a creeper, but Bella’s much worse. The most unrealistic scene was when she got on top of the motorcycle with the stranger who was cat-calling her and who obviously wanted sex. She was along for the ride for a bit, tells him to stop, and he lets her on her merry way. Mhmm. Girls, remember, strange men won’t hurt you if you tell them to stop.

    Emily’s predicament was glorified and her scars were pathetic, considering how HUGE the “werewolves” are. Also, why doesn’t it bother anyone that SAM’S the one upset when Emily’s stared at? Can he not handle the gravity of his mistake? The vampires were pathetic, as per usual, however there were enough action scenes to keep me attentive.

    Victoria was ever-present. The werewolves were “eh” and Edward was laughable when he randomly started crying when he kissed Bella. Maybe he realized she was worse than he thought? Regardless, I have no pity for him. Just a lot of snorting. The proposal scene in the end made me snort.

    All in all, a B grade. I’m being VERY generous only because Jacob’s character pleased me that much.

    • If it’s really that good (by twilight standards) because of Jacob I might actually bring myself to watch it.

      • I wanna see it – but I don’t wanna pay. I think I may wait for it to be uploaded onto SurfTheChannel.

        My neighbours hate the film too, but one of them really made my day when he felt the need to comfort me by explaining that all the busses driving around with ads depicting the werewolves were really a gay man’s dream *giggles*.

        (He’s gay, if that wasn’t obvious enough.)

        I just love the idea of gay men lusting after the werewolves. Seems just. I wonder what SMeyer would think?

    • Okay, the movie made me laugh out loud SO much (what did I care that I was there at the premiere and there were A LOT of twithards, i could taken them down with 1 synonym)… I judged everyone who wore a lame ass t-shirt that didn’t say ‘Fursplosion’ and those that gasped when something from the book occurred.

      I went for the eye candy and it didn’t disappoint, however the acting was only marginally better than a B-grade horror flick and the story… well you all know about the ‘classic story of love and abuse’.

      I think that they made a very good movie considering the quality of the material it was based…

      I am only slightly concerned that they will eventually make the 4th book into a movie. They MUST be considering how they can do it without offending the general population who would not approve of the whole gross man/child ‘relationship/imprinting’ and the whole ‘barely married but popping out a baby’ plot…

      *fingers crossed they change the whole story to something relatively good*

      • I know what you mean about the laughing out loud. I laughed SO hard when Edtard started CRYING when he kissed Bella. Ohgawd. I made sure to put my input on everything. ;D S’all good.

        Apparently Eclipse is wrapping up filming. :/ We’ll see how THAT one turns out. I hope Jacob isn’t the borderline rapist he is in the book.

        And, Breaking Dawn ohgawd. It should have NEVER been published based on the glorification of pedophilia and child-grooming. But, I digress, I’m old-fashioned in that I believe 17-year-old boys should stay the hell away from a new born baby if they want it IN THAT WAY.

        *crosses fingers with you*

        • Katie Cole Says:

          and the best part is in the last book bella is all set to send her spawn off with jacob! what a good mother she is.

          • alexjaeshaw Says:

            Oh yes very good! She made sure the useless female was married off while still in thw womb! After alll she’s a GIRL, she can’t possibly be interested in having her own life.

        • JuiceBox Says:

          I’m guessing they will meander around that subject by doing a time-skip, like:

          Oh look, years in the future.
          Renesme all grown up and with Jacob.
          What ever other little baby, now adult with what’s-his-wolf.
          Everyone happy and sparkly.

          It’s not creepy now right? You’re not thinking about all those years spent as them being small children with a creeper uncle character, right? Victims of child abuse aren’t having flashbacks, right? We’re not getting sued for kiddie pron, right?

          So vampirism is like a blood disease type thing, right? How is it not transmitted sexually?

      • and the whole “vomits a fountain of blood” scene. i would pay to see it just for that.

    • http://ralph.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=975372

      I swear, when i read ‘Go make a sandwich instead’ and ‘more man-flesh on display than a Kylie Minogue concert’ i giggled like a school girl.

    • i saw the movie today and loved jacob until the end when he started making threats. my friend and i sat there the whole time talking about bella going, “what a BITCH.” we did, however, drool over taylor lautner’s 8 pack and cringed at RPattz’s airbrushed hairy stomach.

      i also saw the preview for RPattz’s new movie and it actually looked good. the previews made it look like he might have real acting skills, which leads me to believe that it’s just the series that makes him seem completely ridiculous. however, i saw adventureland and kristen stewart really doesn’t have any acting ability.

  145. ladyrebecca Says:

    “I hate these books so much.”

    LOL! I did an essay for a Women’s Studies class on how Bella was shaped by society and whether she was pro-feminist or anti-feminist. I could have chosen any character from anytime/place etc and I chose Bella-so-clumsy-her-parents-aren’t-suspicious-when-she-falls-through-a-window-Swan. I’d already read the books but having to read over one, piece, by piece, taking notes and really delving into the 2-inch deep characters was physically painful.

    I am, however, greatly enjoying your posts!

  146. i had an awkward moment with my hairdresser where she was telling me how much she loved the books and the characters. i mean, normally i would have disagreed with her, but i try to avoid doing this with people holding very sharp scissors next to my head.

    it was painful trying to hold a conversation with her without agreeing or disagreeing.

    • Why didn’t you just say “oh, I’ve never read the books, but I’m totally into — right now, have you read it? it’s about — and —, I’m really enjoying it”? I did that with a hairdresser once when she started going on about the Anita Blake series (which I can’t stand). Worked a treat ^^

      Well done for not cracking and proclaiming your hatred. It wouldn’t have been nice to go home with no hair =(

    • I had a similar awkward moment with my boyfriend…I told him how my brother wanted to see New Moon just for the wolves, and he said, “I want to see New Moon. I’m seeing it Friday” and gave me that I-dare-you-to-say-something look. I just mumbled, “Oh…that’s nice…”

      I’m almost afraid to ask him how he feels about Twilight. Not because what he might do/say if we disagree on it, but because I haven’t been in the mood to argue lately.

    • That’s so funny, I can totally relate. My manager at work loves Twilight — she never shuts up about it. I don’t want to get on her bad side at work, so I shut up about it. But it’s really really hard.

  147. It speaks for itself.

  148. God, help me, I’m actually debating with a Twihard. It wasn’t deliberate, honest! Only now I can’t back down, because they keep saying stupid things…

  149. I know it’s early for this, but just to make sure my bases are covered…

    Dear Santa~

    For Christmas I’d like Rachel to post another chapter.

  150. hahaha. On Smeyer’s webpage (rather don’t ask why I was there in the first place) the top post is FAQ’s. One of the questions was about her choosing names. And, in her exact words, she replied with, “I’m not a huge research junkie…” I wanted to scream at her “You think we don’t know that?!”

    • Oh gosh a new question about New Moon movie missing Edward too much. Part of her reply?? “The story doesn’t work without the missing hero.” Hero??

  151. Oh gosh. A new question about Eddie being gone for the whole movie. Part of her reply?? “The story doesn’t work without the missing hero.” Hero??

  152. I went to see the movie last week with some friends, all of us with the soul intent to mock it. It was surprisingly not as bad I as I expected – Jacob was the movie’s only saving grace, and I found myself desperately hoping (gasp!) Bella would wise up and hook up with him instead of her creepy sadomasochistic boyfriend…..alas, false hope. It didn’t help any that with the long hair, Taylor Lautner looked a lot like the first guy I liked; I was totally rooting for him. Anytime Edward was onscreen I had to bite my sleeve to muffle the giggles….oh RPattz. We had a pretty sweet theatre, though. A couple of times the whole audience cracked up laughing during not-meant-to-be-funny-but-totally-hilarious scenes.

    And then I found this comic, which basically summed the movie up perfectly. :) – http://slinkers.deviantart.com/art/New-Moon-A-Summary-144859616

  153. Seeing Twilight/New Moon everywhere has been driving me crazy. I’ve even been avoiding magazines because of it. But since I was sick I ended up reading a People magazine…which had “New Moon A to Z.”

    What almost killed me?: “F is for Fan-pires flock to Forks to search for Twilight.” I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. I’M FROM WASHINGTON, DAMMIT.

    Also, apparently Utah farmers carved Edward and Jacob’s face into their hedge mazes…

    BUT: “C is for Claudia – when RP was a kid, his sisters gave him this girl’s name and put him in dresses.”

    Best. Blackmail. Ever.

    What also saved my soul was a certain someone from one of my favorite TV shows saying “Eat it, Twilight!” before he killed a vampire.

    YESSSSS. The above was for people who felt all hope was lost. :)

  154. Hey, guys, I happened to think, this is November. November is National Novel-Writing Month. This might explain Rachel’s extended absence, if she is participating.

    If you don’t know what that is, just look up “nanowrimo” on Google. This obviously eats a LOT of the participants’ time.

    Just sayin’.

    • You gotta a point! I tried NaNo this year, but my grades got in the way. (Gotta pass Chem SOMEHOW.)

      Maybe that’s what Rachel’s doing… and on Dec. 1, she’ll come back to us with the GREATEST chapter recap EVER! :D

  155. Quite honestly, I found this blog last night and just finished reading the last post today. It is a LIFESAVER. Everything I have always hated about this series but lacked the skills to verbalize is said perfectly here. The abusive aspects of Twilight weren’t really my issue when I first read the books. Yeah, I read them ALL (independtly *headdesk*) : my friends told me I couldn’t slam them without reading them, so I started the first one and then I just couldn’t look away…like watching someone get run over, it’s horrifying and unbelievable but you have to keep watching.

    But when I started reading, I mostly took issues with the stark idiocy of Bella’s character, the weird vampire “powers” of sparklitude and coldmarbleprettytion, and the the awful quality of the writing (my father, who is a published writer, heard the sentence that used both “scintillating” and “incandescent” about one person and thereafter forbid me to read aloud even the worst portions of the books). As I read more, the abuse and manipulations just started scaring me. He takes apart her car to keep her in one place, he throws her around like a rag doll half the time, he insults her, he seduces her, he does everything except salting her crops and plundering her village (take that as a double-entendre euphemism, if you will) all in the name of PROTECTING the whiny bitch. It makes no sense, werewolves and vampires be damned, fantasy world or not. NO SENSE.

    Meh. Done ranting. Come back from whatever has snatched you away from us, we need you!

  156. Has anyone else noticed that vampires seem to be immune to gravity?

  157. Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

    Vampires are immune to gravity because one of their powers is to generate an anti-gravity field. You can tell because one of the noticeable side effects is sparkling skin.

  158. while we wait for rachel, i just found this and thought i would share.

    • chapter 2 of twilight

    • Heh, you gotta love nerimon.
      I was seriously just gonna post this, the irony is wonderful :D
      “And then I did this, and then I did that, and then I died, cuz I’m so boring”
      Teehee.

      • “WHY DOES NOTHING PLEASE YOU?!?!?”
        “She’s such a horrible person!”

        lmao. i do the same thing when i read. i love yelling at the characters. :)

        • lol, me too! I have a need to yell at the charactes everytime they do something stupid, and my mom won’t let me read in public places because she gets so embarassed.

    • “Bella Swan is not a real teenager. If she was, she’d be reading Twilight.”

      lol.

  159. Okay, today is the final day of NaNoWriMo. So that means if you were participating, you’re done now, and therefore have no excuse to not put up another recap. Unless you’re dead.

    …I’m suffering from vampirely-withdraw.

  160. Genevieve Says:

    Rachel
    I am having the MOST AWESOME DAY EVER!!!!
    So, if you feel the need to post and put the sugar on top of the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake, and make my day even better, feel free.

  161. https://vampirely.wordpress.com/2009/09/14/chapter-nine-2#comments

    I fully agree now that Breaking Dawn should be filmed.

  162. board code first. board code first board code FIRST >_<

    https://vampirely.wordpress.com/2009/09/14/chapter-nine-2#comments

  163. I wait eagerly for an update =)

  164. *sigh*
    Are you dead, Rachel?

    • I’ve been wondering the same thing. :( Either she’s dead or she quit. Preferably the latter. Ideally neither. I hope she continues.

  165. Rachel???

    Please don’t stay away from this blog forever. We need your humour and Twilight bashing to get us through bad days.

  166. Katie Cole Says:

    Don’t worry you guys I’m sure everything is fine. With the holidays and all, not to mention the economy, she’s probably just really busy. And lets face it, real life is more important than the update of this blog, no matter how funny it is.

    In the mean time, since I haven’t posted anything in so long, I thought that I’d give all of you guys a little holiday present in the form of a twilight parody youtube video that I just discovered. I would say it’s NSFW because of language, but it is frickin hilarious :D

  167. Adding my begging to the group. I really hope Rachel hasn’t quit, but it seems strange that she hasn’t at least posted about her quitting.

    Here’s to hoping for 1000 comments and the return of the blog posts!

  168. PLEASE come back. I just discovered this site and I. AM. ADDICTED.

  169. Been lurking the past few days, and mass reading the blog. Gotta say, you’re hilarious. The way you break it down and tell it like it is rather then the sugar-coating ‘but he LOVES her’ way everyone else talks about it.

    So I’ll add my begging to the group too, and I hope you come back soon Rachel. =)

  170. ladyrebecca Says:

    Maybe Chapter Ten was just too much. Maybe trying to write snarky commentary to pure crap caused her to have a mental break down. I mean, I can’t believe she’s come so far.

    In all seriousness, I look forward to your return, Rachel.

  171. Genevieve Says:

    And, yet another person to add to the begging.
    Please come back, Rachel.

  172. OK!
    in Rachel’s absence I shall do an update!
    *ahem*
    Bella makes googly eyes and Edward,
    Edward makes googly eyes at Bella,
    Jacob postures,
    lalalala….
    Bella does some laundry.

    meh, nope, not doing it for me. Please add my begging to the list.
    and in all sincerity, i hope she’s okay.

  173. Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

    Oh gawd, did the Twihards get her? Is she locked up in someone’s mom’s basement, while they take shifts reading from The Books That Shall Not Be Named and forced to watch the The Movies That Sucked So Hard?

    Will Chapter 10 count the ways that Edward loves Bella?

    Panic!

    • Genevieve Says:

      Maybe they forced her to coat herself in body glitter and freesia-smelling crap, then hit her over the head with a large book (eg, Breaking Dawn), then convinced her she was Bella.

      • There is only one thing we can do. We must raid the Twihard stronghold in Forks! The road will be long and perilous. Many of us may never make it back. However, in order to save Rachel and defeat the Twihards once and for all, it is a mission we must undertake!

        Half a league, half a league,
          Half a league onward,
        All in the valley of Glitter
          Rode the Smeyer bashers.

        • Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

          We will outwit our enemies. You grab a statue of Adonis, I’ll grab the glitter and hair gel. We’ll pick up the yiffy furry wolfman along the way.

          • Addled Maven Says:

            Michigan Anti-Twilight Battalion 17 will provide motorized vehicles. Depending on the meeting point, we MAY have time to armor them.

  174. I went to see New Moon today. I was disappointed by the lack of gay sex.

    Given that I dislike sex scenes and have no real interest in (watching) gay sex, I think this was a real accomplishment for the movie.

    It was bearable when Eddie fucked off.

    • One of my biggest complainants about New Moon was that Edward and Jacob didn’t get together. I challenge anyone to tell me that Edward/Jacob is not hugely hotter than Bella/Anyone.

      • I just can’t stand Edward though. I really can’t. It’s partly Rob’s acting – which I fully support, because it shows how BORING Eddie is, but is still really fucking dull to watch – but mostly it’s his lines. The things he say make me cringe.

        I shouted “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE BLAME HER FOR BELIEVING YOU DIDN’T LOVE HER, YOU SPARKLY TWAT!” and my friend had hysterics. Most of the people in the cinema were laughing at the film from time to time, which possibly saved my sanity.

        I loved Aro though. I had to sit there going “you mean you put the ice cream, in the cone…? MARVELOUS. GENIUS. DO tell me about it again! the ice cream… in the cone!” because it seemed necessary.

        If you watch the movie with the idea that Eddie’s a rapist and the werewolves have just come out as gay men, it ALL MAKES SENSE.

        Okay, I think I’m done.

        • I loved Aro. “Oh my goodness! They’re RUNNING! IN THE WOODS! CAIUS COME SEE THE RUNNING!!”
          I get the feeling that if he’d been a human child, he’d have been diagnosed ADHD.
          And I liked that the films fixed Charlie. Charlie was caring and nice in the films. It was believable.

          And yes, with lines like “I’ll never do what he did to you.”, “You don’t know how tightly I’m bound.” and “This isn’t a LIFESTYLE CHOICE Bella, I was BORN this way!” it can be said that Edward’s a rapist and all the wolves are recently de-closeted gay men. It’s the only way to make the plot make sense.

  175. I am joining the begging list.
    Rachel, please update- even if it’s to tell us you’re quitting. We love you and this site keeps me sane during all the “You look like Bella!” comments I get. >.>
    BEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEGBEG…beg?

  176. So I saw New Moon today only because I snuck in after I saw Brothers. I didn’t want to pay for it, but I had to know if the movie would be as bad as the book. I have to say that I liked Jacob a lot in it, not only for the whole shirtless thing, but he’s a good character. Kristin Stewart’s acting is so so SO SO terrible. She didn’t show ANY emotion AT ALL and she kind of acted bored throughout the whole thing.

    Poor Robert Pattinson. He has to play such a huge douche.

    • I like Kristen Stewert. She was great in Panic Room, and that was when she was 12.
      I think that the wooden acting in the Twilight films is merely evidence of
      A- how much of a vacuous black hole this character is and
      B- how much Kristen can’t identify with her, BECAUSE SHE HAS SENSE.

      I pity Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson too. Actually, I pity all the actors in these films. I pity the films too- because they try so hard to repair SMeyer’s failness.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Yeah. Poor Robert Pattinson. Sure, he’s got tons of girls who want to get into his pants, but unlike most celebrities, it’s the character they want to sleep with, not the actual actor. Same goes for Jacob’s actor too. Hopefully this series of films won’t negatively affect their careers.

  177. also this: http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

    “Three hundred pages after “Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!”, the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up ’53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.”

    sorry, i’m just prowling the net trying to sate my hunger for a new recap.

    • Ditto. I think we’re all desperately missing Rachel’s wit and awesomeness in these Twilight-Filled months surrounding the film releases.

  178. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    People who saw New Moon, I have a question. I have heard that the were wolf boys normally walk around without their shirts on, likely because their clothes explode off when they trans-I mean phase. That means their pants explode too, right? So what do they do when they change back into humans? Is Bella conveniently not there when it happens, or do they keep spare sets of shorts hidden in bushes all over the forest?

    • in the books it’s explained as “they go into the woods and take their pants off out of sight before they change”
      they don’t touch on it at all in the movie. and then they tie the pants to their leg, which we don’t find out until breaking dawn when apparently someone pointed out that there were things smeyer never explained, so she threw it in to stop the questions. they don’t wear shirts because “it’s a pain” to carry an entire outfit. pants are just easier.

      • Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

        I’ve had to bring extra clothes to change into when I ride my motorcycle to some places (work, trip, etc), and it’s absolutely no difference in the burden in carrying an extra shirt along with pants.

        How to carry an extra pair of pants and shirt after the first two seconds of thought I ever devoted to the topic:

        1. Stuff as much of the shirt into a pants pocket a possible, like any redneck farm boy ever.

        2. Fold the shirt neatly, fold the pants neatly, tuck the shirt inside the waist of the pants.

        I guess fursplosions just kill off too many brain cells to think.

        • Or…they all are impatient, emotional, and adolescent, and so attempting to impress someone with the new wolf-muscles. Because in any decently written first-person novel, there are things that the POV character doesn’t figure out.

          Or, y’know. I’m looking farther into it than SMeyer bothered to. Whichever.

          • Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

            Any guy that showed up suddenly grown a foot taller and suddenly all ripped and suddenly looking 5 years older is going to cover himself up as much as he can. “Oh shit, they’ll think I’m abusing steroids or something!”

            • In the movie, Kristen implies anabolic steroids. Proof that the films are desperately trying to fix the books.

          • Or they’re all having gay orgies offscreen.

            Which is my theory.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Given the lack of female wolves, tendency to imprint on children years away from puberty (let alone the legal age of consent), male wolves fighting male wolves for dominance, it would not surprise me…

              …I have been spending way too much time on the Internet.

            • You only need to watch the movie to know it’s true though. I am entirely serious – everything Jacob says can basically be explained by the fact that he’s gay and Bella is his one girlcrush. “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was born this way!”

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Wolves carrying unfolded clothes in their teeth would make people think they’re eating humans. And carrying folded clothes in their teeth would make people stare at them in bemusement and think they’re stealing laundry.

          I think they want to avoid atten-Ooooh right. They’re the size of bears. Well they might as well carry folded clothing in their teeth then. Being mistaken for a laundry thief is better than being mistaken for a man-eater.

          • the Moon Called books seem to take care of the whole issue of clothing for werewolves. a big part of it is explained by the main character that because nudity is such a big part of their lives ie. contently morphing from human to wolf they don’t really worry about being naked in front of each other. but i don’t think Meyer could allow such an explanation in light of her world view.

  179. sociolinguist Says:

    “Bella’s all “HMPH!” and stomps upstairs, as Charlie chides her for not being forgiving.”

    Not being forgiving? Haven’t we just had three and a half books of Bella forgiving Edward for being a horrible killer and a stalker creep? Now she’s forgiving him so hard she’s trying to get his coldness inside her. Because that will feel good, and not at all like a visit to the gynecologist.

    The undead murderer gynecologist who’s trying really hard not to bash your head in.

  180. Ok. Who wants to read a fun story?
    *looks around at all the raised hands*
    Alright, if you insist.

    I, my friend Stephanie (no, not that one!), and another friend went to see New Moon. *sheepish*
    But wait!
    There were only 6 people in the theatre, including us. So, I thought, being myself, “what, other than a lynching, could go wrong if I ask them if they mind if my friends bash the movie and plot as it develops?” (bear in mind, dear readers, that this is a movie from the Twilight series, which has a rabid and (arguably insane imho [no, don’t flame me]) following.
    Wonder of wonders, they say it’s ok.
    I HAVE NEVER ENJOYED MYSELF SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

    Edward comes on the screen and we all boo and hiss and shout the nicest things we can think of, such as, “Edward! You SUCK!” (no pun intended).
    Bella shows up and we all shout, “grow a spine! Grow some personality! Grow some self-respect! Grow some sort of sense of self-preservation! Grow UP!”, etc. My willing suspension of belief when it comes to Bella is not willing, suspended, nor believing.
    Jacob appears and we all cat call like construction workers, ’cause he’s just pretty. ^_^”
    We kept up a running gag sexual gag, too. In the beginning, when Edward says, “I’m leaving,” Bella says something about wanting to come too. Then Edward, being the abusive *ahem* I mean loving? boyfriend that he is, says, “No, I don’t want you to come.”
    When Bella shows up at Jacob’s house with the motorcycles, we gave Jacob another line. “Come in my toolshed.”

    Incidentally, were the 6 people in the theatre when we watched New Moon the only people who got an overwhelming sense of squickiness when Edward took off his shirt?
    Now, when Jacob takes off HIS shirt, it’s just pretty. (But his ears are sorta disproportionate to his body and head right now, lol ^_^)

    And that, my friends, is my long-winded recap of why you should always go to see New Moon on a school night when all the little fangirls are in bed dreaming of manpires and wondering why not even a guy with nothing wrong with him (we love you, Mer-Mike!) has been flirting with her since she started blathering blithely on about the Twilight series all the time.

    • Incidentally, as I said in my comment about Vampirely’s recap of Eclipse’s Chapter Two, “I am just WAITING for SMeyer to let us know that Mike “Nothing Wrong With Him” Newton is actually a mermaid in disguise.”

      Hence “Mer-Mike”

  181. FreshFaced Says:

    Hey Everybody,
    This just sounds like that Swedish Blogger that went off on vacations and promised her readers to have pictures when she got back from some island.
    She came back to find her husband had dumped her and left only her dresses and laptop in an empty apartment and she went from vintage-cute to chopping her hair off and dressing all pumk rock. Maybe Rachel just went preppy? She could be wearing full skirts and pearls right now …
    I add myself to the begging list as an concerned international third-world reader that has chocked many, many times reading this blog.

  182. I’m comment #730

    Dx

  183. Yes yes yes yesyesyesyesyes YES!!

  184. I recently discovered your wonderfully satiric blog and I must say kudos to you for not only making it through Twilight, but New Moon as well. Now you’re forging your way through Eclipse and you have yet to set any of these god awful books on fire.

    In the words of Aldous Snow: You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle.

    On MLIA someone posted that for a psychology project they had to look up symptoms for a sociopath. There are 7 in total, you only need to exhibit 3 to be considered a sociopath. Edward Cullen shows 6.

  185. Today, my mum bought a copy of Twilight. She gave her money to Smeyer. I was both apalled and outraged.
    This is what she said when I expressed my feelings to her: “Well, my friend Kathryn said it was so good she had to read it twice.”
    She continued on to say it was impossible to get it out of the library before March, and she wanted to see why I hated it so much.
    What should I do?

  186. God DAMN IT. Rachel, COME BACK. NAO.

  187. Having recap withdrawals so bad that I started my own here http://vivisector.wordpress.com for those that gotta have their fix. I still wish you’d come back Rachel. I miss your snark.

    • well, you’re obviously not like Rachel…
      however, it’s pretty good. It gave me that satisfying feeling of not being alone in a world of Twitards.

  188. I bring you the truth. And an excellent way to shut up Twimoms. Or at least make them feel really embarrassed. Enjoy. http://verydemotivational.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129039390345477450.jpg

  189. Ok, ok, I’ve figured it out. I’ve figured out what’s going on with Rachel. God, I can’t believe we didn’t see it sooner. It’s really all so obvious. She has left us alone in the middle of the woods and we will never see her again. Metaphorically. So, there is of course only one solution. They very obvious one, unfortunately. We must all try to kill ourselves by partaking in insanely risky behaviors so that we can hallucinate her recaps. And after we have reached the limits of our flirting with death (unfortunately, I believe some of us might actually lose their lives in the attempt, it is after all the only way to prove you really care and sacrifices must be made) I’m sure Rachel will return to us and assure us that she’s always loved us. Of course later I hear she might rip out our wombs with her teeth, but let’s just concentrate on the present dilemma, getting her back into our lives.

    • Dear God, you’re right!

      *hurls self into wall repeatedly*

    • ladyrebecca Says:

      NOOOOO! She can’t have left us! My life has no meaning now. nothing matters. i suck. life is dumb. months will pass by without me noticing but i such so much no one will insist i get counseling. my heart is broken. into little pieces. i have serious issues. i will remedy them with attempted suicides. and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

    • You know, that revelation made my day. Though, when I saw the truth in it and clued in to the possible outcomes of this, it put a bit of a damper on my spirits….BUT!…on the plus side, we now know how to get Rachel to return ^.^

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Hmm. I see. Makes sense. *pulls out four sheets of paper and writes the next four months on them in big letters* There! That should do it!

  190. Something awfull has happened. Remember how I wrote, a few days ago, that my mum bought twilight?
    Well, she finished reading it today.
    And… she enjoyed it.
    How is that even possible? My mother is 50 years old. Our house is lined with books. Seriously, there are books everywhere. You find them in really weird places, like behind the computer and under the sofa.
    AND SHE LIKED TWILIGHT. She has read practically every book ever written, and she liked Twilight.

    • ladyrebecca Says:

      I’m so sorry, Genevieve. Seriously. My sister is a Twilight casualty and I can’t imagine loosing my mother the same way. You have my deepest sympathy.

    • I did warn you.

    • Perhaps she liked the book for the same reason you’re reading the recaps? I mean, people watch horrible B-movies and bad porn…

      And they are entertaining, in a “this activity requires no thought” sort of way. (For the record, feel free to interpret that as it requires a lack of thought or thought is not required. Both work.)

      • It’s true, we do like watching bad shit sometimes. But it’s usually because the fall into the “So bad it’s almost good” category.
        Thing is, Twilight is just Bad.

  191. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Mommy! Daddy! Look at me! Look at what I did!

    … Yes, I like attention… I’m going to my room now…

  192. Merry christmas everyone
    Let’s hope the new year brings vampirely updates (better than my gran’s present to me: A glittery lipgloss that smells, and looks, like playdoh. Why does everyone think I’m 5 years old?)

    • I know the feeling. It’s like “okay, why are you giving me so much make up? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!”
      Yes, Merry Christmas and New Year’s to all- let us hope that Rachel finds the time to give us a present in the form of a vampirely update.

      “I don’t want a lot for Christmas, but there is just one thing I need…”

      • For three years in a row my grandmother got me deodorant or cologne. Finally, last year she gave me a travel-size hygiene kit(toothbrush and toothpaste, sefveral bars of soap, a razor, shaving cream, and deodorant).

        And the whole time I’m going, ‘You only see me at Christmas, and there is no possible way people complain about me enough to warrant this…is there? ….Excuse me while I go take nine showers.”

        • Exactly. It’s because people lack imagination in gift-giving.

        • My grandmother is convinced that I am in constant need of being saved by Jesus, and so CONSTANTLY gives me rosaries (did you know that the Vatican sells rosary key-chains?), religious movies, or cross jewelry.

          At least she’s gotten past the “Lena’s perpetually eight years old” phase. A couple years ago, she gave me a purple plaid jumper from Osh Kosh Big-osh. (Or however you spell that name.) I’m in HIGH SCHOOL, for goodness’ sakes!

  193. Hey everyone check out “paper doll kindergarten” on Fanfiction.net under twilight. It is so creepy and dark and Bella’s perfect child isn’t so perfect! Check it out please!

    • I read it. It’s creepy- fo sho- but I’ve read better and creepier things by far. Also- the storyline screams “I just read Anne Rice for the first time, let’s turn Renesmee into Claudia!” at me. Then again, it’s FF.net, maybe I’m expecting too much?

  194. This is pretty freaking amazing. I can’t believe I used to seriously like Twilight XD! Thank god I haven’t picked up the book for years!

    And yeah… if I had a boyfriend like Edward, I would GET A FREAKING RESTRAINING ORDER because he is a CREEPER.

  195. This. Is. Amazing.
    I can’t wait for the next chapter.

    • Neither can we.
      RACHEL! PLEASE COME BACK! WE LOVE YOU DEARLY!

      • Seriously D:
        It’s been such a long time! When was this posted, September?

        • September 14 T-T We’ve been 1/4 of a year without fresh recaps, this makes me so sad…

          ..and I’m pondering borrowing my boyfriend’s twilight books to see what atrocities happen next.

          RACHEL, HELP ME :( please…!

  196. I hate Charlie now…

  197. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    I publicly threw down a copy of Twilight at a local Blockbuster tonight.

    I was elbow bumped for doing so.

    This is why I rock.

    • i keep putting “don’t read this garbage” bookmarks in the copies of twilight that we sell at work. i’m hoping that someone might take my advice. we don’t appear to be selling many, so maybe it’s working… probably not, though.

  198. alexjaeshaw Says:

    Aren’t you ever coming back? If I ask nicely?

  199. Addled Maven Says:

    Yes, please come back.

  200. Ophelia At Elsinore Says:

    Please come back Rachel. We all miss your updates.

  201. you really really need to come back. i read breaking dawn and couldn’t remember what was wrong with it.

    thankfully, i managed to hit myself in the head several times and it came back to me. PLEASE COME BACK!!!!

  202. heehee, when you just don’t have the time to read all those books. scroll halfway down for the Twilight summary. but my fav is the Interview with a Vampire summary.

    http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml

  203. OMFG

    http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/books/teen-vampires-top-charts/2010/01/01/1261982390863.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1

    Smeyer got “10 editions of her books appearing in the top 20 for 2009″….

    What the..?

    • alexjaeshaw Says:

      Dare I hope these losers are being sarcastic?

    • “Whenever I answer the phone I say ‘Edward?’. I want to die when it’s not him.”

      Words escape me.

      • Carolithe Says:

        words escape, but onomatopoeic representations do not.

        i do believe “ugh” would be an appropriate response..

    • Katie Cole Says:

      at first i thought it was FML because it basically is, until I read some of them. really? i mean….really?

      I’m sure some of them are fake though. They have to be. Like this one–
      Today, I sat down in this cute bar and just as I was about to leave a guy who looked excactly like Jasper walked in. Just to be funny I walked up to him and we reanacted the ‘Alice-Jasper’ meeting scene in Eclipse. My name is Alice, and his name is Jasper. We’re going out on Friday. MLIT

      I do like this comment someone posted to it though heehee–
      No, his name was not Jasper. You do not have a date this weekend. No guy would know how to reenact the scene with you. This is the fakest story ever, sorry.

    • I love how most of the commenters on MLIT are Potterheads as opposed to Twitards :)

  204. Jetpacking Werewolves GO! Says:

    Comment 801…
    May I recommend Dan’s blogging Twilight? Hilarious, with great pics.
    I can’t post the link right now, but just google it and you should get the index page.

  205. Katie Cole Says:

    ok I’m begining to lose hope here you guys it’s just been tooo long!

    Twitards must have found out where Rachel lives and sent assassins to murder her or something.
    Why does Twilight ruin lives like this? WHY?!

    you know, if I ever had a girl I wanted to name her Alice because that was my great grandmother’s name, but NOT ANY MORE because I’m afraid people will be like, “Oh Alice just like in Twilight!” but I would probably just go “NO ALICE AS IN YOUR MOM!!” or something like that…or possibly just punch them, not sure.

  206. http://www.twilightsucks.com/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=73

    Very nice arguments against Twilight. And aha twihards. We now have quite a long list of well thought out, logical arguments. ^.^

    Oh, and while I’m here:

    ::gets out megaphone:: Rachel. Please make your way back to you blog, Rachel. You should recognize it regardless of how much damage Eclipse has caused you, as it’s swarmed with your fans. Just look for the large group of people lacking Twilight merchandise.
    We’d just like to know that you’re still alive.

  207. What happened? Why did you stopped posting?

  208. I’ve been working my way through this since the link was sent to me, loving every moment/losing faith in whole sections of humanity simultaneously. I had no idea it came to such an abrupt end!

    Rachel, looks like you’ve moved on, but I just want to add a thanks for all you suffered through. Hope you’re okay, and still writing a good book!

  209. Anastasia Marie Says:

    This is my first comment, so…hi.

    Anyway, I’ve been reading this blog for awhile now, and I just wanted to say that your snarking is excellent and made me laugh.

  210. Hey for all of you that like vampires/werewolves/love stories, then check out Charlaine Harris books! She writes the TrueBlood series and it’s so good. Her characters are well developed and the main female in the books is not a mindless twit who lets men control her…she’s a strong woman. So check those out if you’re wanting supernatural characters and romance. There is also quite a bit of suspense and action, not to mention mystery novel-ish plots. Something for everyone!

    • Oh My Goddess!! Her books are just a bad if not worse. I was able at least to read though the first Twilight book without a wish to put it down, that came later. I found myself fighting to get though the first True Blood book. It was as if Ms. Harris got so in to the “Romance” (to be read as, sex) that she and Sookie forget that there is a killer at large. The only thing that kept me from putting it down was the wish to know who the killer was and nothing else. I got though one True Blood book and 1 and half Twilight books that should say it all. I will say I did like the idea of Vampires being out in the open but that was it

  211. So…long time reader. I found this site back when you were finishing up the Twilight recaps and have been checking back every week since. I just wanted to thank you for all the snark, and also wondered if you could post a confirmation that yes, this site is dead, or at the very least on an unknown hiatus. It’s just frustrating to not know anything and continue waiting. Even just a reply in the comments section would do. I understand that you did this for free and “funsies,” so I wanted to thank you for sticking with it for as long as you did on a pretty routine basis. My friends and I have gotten a lot of entertainment out of this. =)

  212. So…I figured if I leave this site alone for a while something magical would happen (like an update). :( I’m kind of sad. Although I did find a parody book called “Night Light.” It pretty much sums up everything we thought. Maybe if I check back again in 6 weeks something will have happened. *crosses fingers*