Archive for samentology

Chapter Five

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?

Chapter Eleven

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I want you all to suffer as I have.

Another week passes. Bella looks pale and terrified and jumps at everything. Charlie doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Ugh.

Bella obsesses over why Jacob has dumped her, rather than accepting that he’s a jerk and moving on with her life. After another week, she finally figures that it’s because of Sam Uley. Good lord.  Well, now that she knows it’s not her fault, she’s going to rush in there and save him from the cult!

The cult with no harmful behaviors whatsoever. The cult that prides itself on protecting the people of the reservation. The cult we have no proof of whatsoever. But, omg, let’s totally worry ourselves with it.

Bella calls Charlie to tattle on the injuns, telling him that there’s some sort of gang down there and Sam is the head of it. Charlie patronizes her and tells her Sam is a good kid so stop freaking whining (…paraphrasing). He tells her he’s way too busy with this wolf thing to play her stupid teenager drama games, the big brutes are definitely eating people now so they need to go shoot them.

Bella drives to the res, and runs into Quil, who has also grown a noticeable amount since the last time she saw him. She figures growth hormones. Totally not werewolves! Also, I know which one Quil is, now that we finally have a description–he’s the burly one with the short hair. Quil is depressed as hell, and Bella gives him a lift home.

Quil expositions that Jacob is avoiding him, and hanging out with Embry and Paul and Sam a lot. Quil hates Sam, too, which I still don’t get.  Quil calls it a cult, despite the fact that it has no cult-like behaviors whatsoever and really just looks like Sam’s made all three of them his bitch.

He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.

Just his face was frightened. The rest of him was okay.

So Bella parks her ass in front of the Blacks’ house and does her homework, waiting for Jacob to show up. When he finally does, he’s angry, taller, and his hair is short. Also, he’s aged. Yes! He’s older. Werewolves age to 21 when they have their first change, because then they can legally get into R rated movies, and date the female protagonist.

Guys, I’m not joking.

Anyway, Jacob is mad, unhappy that Bella is stalking him now. Bella wishes she were, like, totally a vampire, so she could like bite Sam and kill him, and stuff. That’d be so rad!!!

Jacob shoos off the other boys and talks to Bella alone. Jacob was all wrong about the cult thing, as it turns out. But he can’t tell Bella why. She can read these brochures, though, and come in for a free e-meter reading.

Bella gives him crap for hanging out with Sam and not her. Jacob insists that Sam is not the bad guy he thought he was. He gets so angry he starts shaking, and Bella cries, because yelling at him didn’t work.

“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex. […]

“Then who should I blame?” I retorted.

He halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing.

“You don’t want to hear that.”

No, let’s have it. Is it the Democrats? Gays? Canadians? The guys who picked on you in school? The goth kids who made you listen to Marilyn Manson and so now you totally like worship the Devil and stuff?

“The hell I don’t!” I snapped. “I want to know, and I want to know now.” […]

“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

Oh snap! Go, Jacob!

Bella is shocked that someone could possibly not like vampires. She then tries to play dumb, like, “what, you hate mosquitos, I don’t get it.” Jacob insists that it’s the Cullens, he believes his dad now, totally not a werewolf, etc. Jacob shakes a little more, and Edward starts whispering unhelpful hints in Bella’s ear again. But she’s like, totally not in danger! Jacob isn’t going to turn into a gigantic wolf, that’s just silly!

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”

The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.

Good show. He’s not your boyfriend until he hurts you, and then you’re all “OH NO DON’T DUMP ME.” What a callous little bitch! How the hell am I supposed to like her??

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie.

But not an actual lie. Good little caring perfect Bella would never actually lie.

“Maybe… maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you just give me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”

C’mon, Jake, she needs you! When she’s alone, she realizes what a two-dimensional character she is, devoid of any personality, hopes, dreams, or fears that are unrelated to her love interest! You make her rounded!

He resists, saying something about how he’s a tortured beast and a bad person, and sends her home.

…Well, he goes into his house, at least. Bella just sort of stands there in the rain looking pathetic. Waaaaah someone I wasn’t even dating dumped me, now I have to stand on my own two feet, maybe if I stand out here and get wet he’ll feel bad and change his mind, waaaaah!

Billy finally has to tell her to GTFO. She drives home like a zombie. Charlie gets all mad and calls Billy to tattle on Jacob. Billy blames it all on Bella, saying she led Jacob on, which couldn’t possibly be it, because Bella was always so clear that she and Jacob were just friends.

Bella knows that it isn’t possibly her fault (see above) so it must be that Billy is hiding a huge secret, to try to get Charlie against her. I love that Billy’s social skills are as developed and mature as a 15 year old in an AOL chatroom.

Bella cries and cries and cries and cries the poor thing. She is probably the single most useless female character ever invented.

Oh, there’s something at the window. Is Victoria here to finally end this stupid series? Chapter end!

Chapter Eight

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

Jacob begins the arduous process of teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Or, rather, he would, if the author herself knew anything about riding a motorcycle.

They finally get the stupid thing started, and as Bella begins to accelerate forward, she, of course, hears Edward’s voice in her head.

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.

I love how she never imagines him apologizing for hurting her, or telling her how much he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Edisode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.  The more she tries the bike, the more she hallucinates Edward trying to control her some more, which, for some reason, makes her happy. When she finally starts zooming down the road, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast it was “blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it,” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, the stupid bitch is not dead. The bike lands on her, she takes a face dive, and she just sort of bleeds from her head a little. That’s it.

Jacob insists on driving her to the hospital. Bella resists, because the hospital, will, of course, ask questions. Good God. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around her head, puts the bikes in the back of the truck. The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

Also, she hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly, so she can try to kill herself again tonight. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ♥

She takes some time to stare at Jacob while he’s missing a shirt.

Jacob noticed my scrutiny.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.

Wow. Way to “break it off,” you little slut. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea now.

Anyway, she has seven stitches in her head, ho hum. Bella’s very clumsy so she’s used to this sort of thing by now. Remember, guys? Remember her one flaw? Remember how very clumsy she is? She tells her father that she fell and hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage, which Charlie doesn’t really give a second thought to. I love how she can lie without a second thought.

She seems to be healing, at any rate. The pain of losing her ~*one true love*~ isn’t as intense now that she’s got delusions and Jacob the Wonder Rebound to keep her distracted.

We get a time-skip of about two weeks, and narrative is introduced by way of saying that Bella was in the ER again and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the “I fell” excuse.

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner.

I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.

Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

“This didn’t happen in the garage,” I protested quickly. “We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.”

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically.

You know, a good father would have gone “mysterious injuries, bizarre cover-up stories… what is that boy doing to you?” Charlie just sort of lets her convince him it’s because she was working at a sporting goods store and it “rubbed off” on her.

In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually, you know, doing things in life, even if her reasons are self-destructive and harmful on multiple levels. Now that Edward is gone, she seems to have some modicum of freedom, freedom that Jacob is keen to encourage in her. It’s too bad everyone keeps telling me that Smeyer later writes Jacob as a major flaming douche bag. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

Bella complains to Jacob that Charlie is getting nosy, and he suggests they cool the bikes. Bella tries to think of some other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals.

Jacob, an injun, already knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course for their hike, joking about seeing the “super bear.” When they finally get to where they’re going, he’s surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But Bella felt ~*so safe*~ around Edward, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger senses.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking going on here, but I’ll spare you the details. Bella eventually asks if Jacob’s heard from Embry since he joined Samentology. Jacob says he hasn’t, gets all bummed, and puts an arm around Bella. Her justification for not shaking it off and attempting to reestablish their boundaries is he just looked sooo sad. Good God, I hate this bitch.

Anyway, they don’t find the meadow, and agree to try tomorrow. I seriously feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this chapter. Why won’t something happen. Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches? For Christ’s sake, she could have cut all this “character development” bull she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole hateful, virulent series into one God damn book.

Please, Stephenie, please, inflict your midlife crisis on someone else.

Parenthetical aside

Posted in Post is Unrelated with tags , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

It seems I can no longer make fun of Twilight, because a bunch of 15-year-old girls want to make it a religion. Yes, for the low, low price of your dignity, you too can believe that the characters in the Twilight Saga are all real, that Stephenie Meyer is the bestest best author in the whole wide world ever, and that if you’re a good little girl you’ll get to spend eternity with the Cullens. That’s super. Let’s glamorize death a little more, and maybe we’ll get more of those Black Parade suicides. I’ve always wanted more emo suicide girls on the internet.

So that’s it. No more recaps. It would just be downright rude of me to make cracks at and belittle an entire religion here.

Also, it seems I’ve been linked to from Twilight Sucks (a livejournal and a message board by that name), and Something Awful(!). So uh, welcome, guys. I hope you enjoy my pain.

Chapter Seven

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Even though I’m only reading on my afternoon breaks at work–10 minutes a day, five days a week–I am well ahead of my recaps. I’m not really sure how this could happen. I think this book is making me lose time. So it’s a recap frenzy!

Chapter seven starts us with Bella backtracking to the old Cullen place. Yes, she finds her own way there! So all those times Edward insisted on driving there because Bella “wouldn’t be able to find it” was just another excuse to control every aspect of her God damn life. I digress. She’s hoping that looking at the house will bring on the Edward Hallucinations. The psychotic Edisodes, if you will. Well, no dice. She’s just sitting in her car, staring like an idiot at an empty house. Empty, like her heart.

Well, now she feels like crap, so of course she needs to go see Jacob.

Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn’t care.

Not only is that awesome and healthy, but it totally respects Jacob’s feelings as well. Way to go, Bella! Setting an example for girls everywhere.

Jacob is happy to see her, like he always is. Not brooding, demanding, or threatening to eat her. Just happy. He’s nearly done fixing the bikes, and he asks in a roundabout way if she’ll still be coming over now that they’re done. Well, duh, sister needs her fix. She says that later “we” can have a study date, and indicates the two of them as one unit.

Okay, great. Great. Now she’s leading him on. She knows she doesn’t love him like he loves her, she knows she’s only using him to feel better about what Edward did, and now she’s indicating that the two of them are together. What is it with her and just using this kid? What makes her think she’s justified? Is it because he isn’t white and delightsome like her? Is it because she thinks he’s just SOOO much younger than her? Or is it because she’s a self-entitled bitch?

You know what, I’m sorry. She’s hurting. Bella’s had a really hard life. I’d better make more excuses for her.

Thankfully, the next day is montaged. Mom gets an email, school was okay, work was chatty because Mike still wants to tap that. He invites her out to a movie on Friday, and Bella’s all “Oh, uh, I don’t date. Also I’m going to be out with my crutch that night.”

The next day, Jacob calls to let her know that the bikes are done. She calls him “the most talented and wonderful person” she knows. Way to keep layering it on there, Bells. She gets to his place, they load up the bikes (one of them has a blue ribbon on it, and Jacob wishes her a happy late birthday), and drive off to their super secret motorcyle-riding course.

Along they way, they drive by some guys who are cliffdiving (!) into the ocean (!!). Bella slams on the brakes, demanding they get help for them, not understand that this is recreation here. Not, you know… drugs, or alcohol, or sex, which is what all the small towns I’ve lived in like to revel in. Cliffdiving. Well, okay. Whatever keeps your DARE program happy.

Jacob gets all disgruntled about the guys showing off, which is a little surprising. Bella decides she wants to go cliffdiving later because it looks ~*soooooo dangerous*~. Jacob responds with “Yeah, uh, you just wanted me to call an ambulance for Sam Uley.” Haha, stupid bitch.

As they start off down the road again, Bella asks who those guys where.

“The La Push gang.”

“You have a gang?” I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed.

Uh, why?

Jacob says they’re more like glorified hall monitors–they don’t start fights, they keep the peace. Jacob makes it clear he isn’t very fond of them. Sam, apparently, runs the group. No, really. One of the Quilbry pissed off one of “the gang” and the dude looked about ready to rip him to pieces before Sam stopped him. Wow! This is interesting. Sort of.

Also, Sam gets all sorts of priviledges for some reason, like not having to go to college. Huh? Also, Jacob has a sister, but since she isn’t a beautiful savage man ready to save Bella from her nightmares, this is the first and last we hear of her.

Well anyway they get out with their bikes. Time for a change of scenery for this bizarre conversation. The La Push peacemakers treat Jacob weird, and his dad gets to be injun chief. Sam looks at Jacob like he’s waiting for something, like at some point he’s going to join his little bromance party. Like one of the Quilbry did. OH NOOO. It was Embry, for the record. The kid missed a week of school (I wasn’t aware a week of time had even passed between when we met him and now), was never home when they tried to see him, and when he finally came back he looked terrified. Pretty soon after that he joined Sam’s Club. He was one of the ones on the cliffs. We didn’t get a description, so now I’m pretty sure I’ll never know which one is Embry and which one is Quil.

He finally looked at me. “Bella, they bugged him even more than they bother me. He didn’t want anything to do with them. And now Embry’s following Sam around like he’s joined a cult.”

What, like, Scientology? Did Sam give him a copy of Dianetics and a week-long getaway to “clear his thetans?” That would certainly explain why Embry was so freaked out. “I don’t have the $1,500 needed for the next course! Now I’ll never cross the bridge!!”

Billy’s not helping Jacob with this. He gives him the equivalent of “You’ll get it when you’re older.” Jacob is definitely getting that there’s something very wrong going on in La Push, something that might have to do with e-meters. He stands there for a second, looking totally freaked out and about to cry, so Bella throws her arm around him “instinctively.”

Instinctively? I think this is the first time she’s put her arms around someone other than Count Ed. How is hugging “instinctive” for her suddenly? Oh, maybe it’s more that now she gets to keep leading him on. Manipulation is “instinctive” for Bella.

Bella insists that it’ll be okay, and if it gets worse, he can come live with her and Charlie. Actually, that’s sort of sweet and grown-up of her. In the next few paragraphs, though, she narrates how nice this friendship is for her and how she hasn’t had a friend like this in a while, and when Jacob touches her hair while she prolongs the hug, she thinks “Well, it was friendship for me.”

BIIIIITCH. Would you just freaking tell him already?? Her method of doing this is “Oh man it’s so hard to believe that I’m older than you hint hint hint.” Wow. Way to be, um. Direct.

I’m getting major flashbacks to my ex here. This is sort of hard for me to recap.

ANYWAY, MOTORCYCLES, EVERYBODY! I hope Bella hits her head and dies!