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Chapter Twenty-Four

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”

I THOUGHT CARLISLE SAVED YOU???!

I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?

Wow.

Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.

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Chapter Nineteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

Chapter Seventeen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I know you guys were really worried that Victoria was waiting in Bella’s home, ready to eat her, so I’ll save you some tension. Alice is standing in the living room, looking incredibly confused to see Bella.

Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, crying out her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Then of course, she starts crying, and Alice has to carefully extricate herself, on account of Bella smelling delicious and Alice being stupid and thirsty.

For once, in the year since the Cullens left, Bella now feels like everything is okay. Oooookay. Vampire addiction much?

Also, Alice wants very much to know why Bella is still alive. Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her fall–she corrects her with “I saw you jump.” She’d warned Edward that this would happen, but he was convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise to not do stupid things. Edward doesn’t know Bella very well.

Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the suicide of his daughter. Only, uh, here she is. Bella insists she wasn’t trying to kill herself, it was just for fun, and Alice flat-out doesn’t buy it. And besides, didn’t Alice see Jacob jumping in to save her?

Remember how Alice is most sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what. She can’t see werewolves. Yes, werewolves are invisible in her visions. Their only predator, the only other thing that can take them out, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted.

How ridiculously convenient for the plot, wouldn’t you say?

This comes up after Bella finally spills the beans that Jacob is a werewolf (so much for keeping the secret). Even though none of the vamps ever said word one about werewolves and how they’re dangerous and how they can kill vampires, Alice knows enough about them to know that they have a stupid short temper and young ones, especially, are known for loosing it.

Oh, P.S., Victoria is here trying to kill her. Why Alice didn’t have visions of that is beyond me. And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves trying to save Bella. Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring her here?

…Does Alice want Bella to die? OMG please say yes

Bella relates the whole story, sans her Edward hallucinations. Alice comments on how Bella must not be doing so hot now that they’ve left, and she’s all “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Alice mentions in passing that maybe she shouldn’t have come, and Bella has a panic attack, throwing her arms around the vampire again and begging her not to leave.

This girl needs some serious medication.

Jacob calls at this moment to check to see if Bella is still alive. When she confirms, he hangs up on her. HA! I love this kid.

Uh, let’s see. Alice is in this chapter, which you’d think would please me a great deal, but it’s still incredibly boring. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apolgizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.

Yawn.

Bella wakes up to Charlie and Alice talking about her in the kitchen. Charlie explains that for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything, and wouldn’t move. (Despite that Bella explains she only missed one day of school during her period of depression). He didnt let the doctor see her though, because he was afraid it would scare her. Riiight. Renee came up from Florida after that to take her back with her, but as soon as they started packing clothes, Bella snapped out of it, and threw a fit, screaming about how she could never leave. Ooookay. After that, she would move and eat and you know, sustain herself, but she broke all her CDs, she didn’t read or watch TV, and she never called her friends back. Hey, her friends actually gave it an effort! So I guess I can agree with their decision to just give the hell up on her. Oh, also, she screamed in her sleep. Did we ever mention that?

Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathise with how much she truly loved Edward, but she’s just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors, period. Someone should have checked her into a ward a long, long time ago.

Psychiatry is for everyone, Bella.

Charlie clearly blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent, like, you know, physical or emotional abuse. I mean, every girl goes completely catatonic for a week after they get dumped, right?

“Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.” His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…

Sooooo sick of how truest of true lovingly truly loved she was. You two had nothing in common. He berated you, insulted you, controlled you, used you, and let’s be honest, you only loved him because he was gorgeous.

Augh.

Charlie and Alice both sound like they’re pretty fed up with Edward, at least, which I can appreciate. Bella decides to pretend to wake up at this point. Charlie leaves for the res to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.

“My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”

Snap. Life basically sucks for Alice. But do you see her curling up in a ball, sobbing and vomiting everywhere? No. Why weren’t these books about Alice?

Uh, Bella does chores. It’s… it’s really awesome, you guys. There’s a ring at the door, and since Alice can’t See who it is, they assumed werewolves. God, Alice, your power really sucks.  Alice vacates as Bella goes to check the door.

And now I am finally caught up.

Chapter Fifteen, part two

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I think I’m okay to keep going.

Bella is understandably nervous about meeting Edward’s family. I’ve been there, done that. I would also however be worried that all seven of them would rip me to pieces and drain the blood from my hot fresh organs. Bella, however, has the brain activity of a radish, and is just worried they won’t approve of her.

House Cullen is way out in the boonies. It is the house of a rich person. Considering that Carlisle is probably ancient and… a doctor, this is not shocking. Hey, it’s not like they have to pay heating bills, or go grocery shopping, right? HA.

There are large windows on every wall. The house is very… open. And… bright. Hmm.

Later it is explained that they welcome the light here because “it’s the only place we don’t have to hide.” I have a charming mental image of a room full of dazzling vampires blinding each other unintentionally.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, as we remember him, is young, blond, and fabulous. Esme, his wife, looks like a silent movie star. They are perfect Aryan breeding stock. Edwards “parents” are reserved, friendly and cautious around this potential meal. Alice, on the other hand, comes bounding down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and declares that she does smell good.

Holy crap I think I love Alice.

Jasper comes down and suddenly everybody feels mellow. His superpower is not getting people baked (as awesome as that would be)–he is simply manipulating emotions. Right. Awesome. Now Bella can have someone tell her how to feel too. It’s not like she has an original thought in her head to begin with.

Edward and Carlisle have a psychic conversation as Bella stares at their house. It’s like, so totally big. She spies a grand piano, Esme asks if she plays. When Bella says no (because she has no hobbies in life other than mooning over brooding murderers), Esme drops that Edward plays. Of course he does. Bella isn’t even surprised at this point, saying “Edward can do everything, right?” Oh god.

Edward plays a little number he wrote himself. Of course he writes his own music. And, surprise, he’s a genius pianist. He plays a song he wrote specifically for Bella, and his “parents” vacate. I am seriously holding in my lunch.

Bella asks why Rosalie and Emmett don’t like her. Emmett just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a casserole. Rosalie, however, is jealous, because Bella is human, and Rosalie wants to be human.

I thought Carlisle saved you–

You know what, never mind. I’m just going to have to accept that Carlisle’s “compassion” doesn’t make any God damn sense.

“Alice seems very… enthusiastic.”

“Alice has her own way of looking at things,” he said through tight lips.

“And you’re not going to explain that, are you?”

A moment of wordless communication passed between us. He realized that I knew he was keeping something from me. I realized that he wasn’t going to give anything away. Not now.

*crosses fingers* C’monnnn lesbian vampire. C’mon!

Edward mentions that Carlisle told him with mental morse-code that Alice has seen visions of other vampires coming to visit. Holy freaking crap–is this a plot I see forming?  Edward assures Bella that he won’t let the new vamps eat her because he’s saving her for later. He finishes his song (which is not, much to a friend’s chargin, “B is for Bella, that’s good enough for me,”) and Bella cries a single tear. Quick as anything, Edward catches it on his finger and… tastes it.

He tastes her tears! Good God. Do tears sustain him too?

Edward takes her on a brief tour, which happens to pass by an enormous old cross. Bella questions it (I guess it is sort of ironic) and Edward begins telling the beginning of Carlisle’s background story.

Carlisle was born in the 1600s, in London, to an Anglican pastor who enjoyed hunting witches. Carl, somehow, had a talent for finding real witches, werewolves, and vampires, which of course leads him to his undeath. He assembles a mob (complete with pitchforks) to corner a vampire, and the vampire, predictably, eats a bunch of them. Carl is bit and left for dead. When he comes to, he realizes what he’s become.

Could this be the start of his bizarre need to play house with young people? I have to start another chapter before I can find out!

Chapter Fifteen, part one

Posted in Post is Unrelated, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 77

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is absolutely 0.

Bella wakes up to Edward sitting in the chair across from her bed, watching her. OH EDWARD SIIGH. She throws herself into his arms and confesses she thought last night was a dream. His response? “You’re not that creative.”

I’d be a little more upset if he wasn’t correct. There is absolutely nothing interesting, new, or even strong about this so-called heroine. I am still suspecting he’s keeping her around as an emergency food supply.

Oh, look, a paragraph about Bella washing her face. Merciful crap, Stephenie, no one cares.

Bella talked in her sleep more, it seemed. She said she loved Edward. I’m not sure how she can be so coherent while sleep-talking. I normally talk about returning your mining skill within 90 days with receipt, if you don’t like it.

Edward tells Bella that she is his life now. Codependency, go! He then tells Bella it’s time to eat, because he needs to make her decisions for her now. Bella makes a joke about him eating her. Oh man, it’s so funny that he could kill her at any moment. He attempts to make her breakfast himself before he realizes that he doesn’t eat and doesn’t know what humans actually have for breakfast. It’s hilarious and not at all boring, I swear.

The actual plot of the chapter eventually happens in the form of Edward inviting Bella to his place to meet his “folks.” Bella asks if Alice saw her in her  visions, and Edward responds rather oddly. Is Alice gunning for Bella too? That would be hilarious and probably the only thing that could make me enjoy the book at this point.

Edward insists Bella tell her dad Charlie that he’s her boyfriend. Bella says “I was under the impression that you were something more, actually.” Undead lifemate? “We’re getting vampire-married, after we figure out how to keep him from crushing my skull.”

Oh for God’s sake, would we hurry up and meet the interesting characters please?

Bella agonizes over what to wear. Oh God. She comes downstairs and declares herself decent, to which Edward manhandles her tenderly and insists that she is indecently tempting. Oh God. He kisses her, and she faints.

Oh GOD I am not even KIDDING she FREAKING FAINTS.

I just

I can’t

what is

I have to go.

BRB.

Chapter Four, when does Bella get likeable?

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 55. I’ve noticed the presence of adverbs seems to increase when Edward shows up in the narrative.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a slightly-improved 2.5. She is showing signs of reason and seems to recognize that she is insane… for however briefly.

For the next week, Bella is the center of attention and SO TOTALLY HATES IT. The Tyler kid who almost hit her with his van is still trying to make amends, HOW IRRITATING. He even sits at her table at lunch now, joining Sweet-Polite-Mike and Chess-Club-Eric in the Bella Fan Club. SHE TOTALLY HATES IT.

Man, if three cute guys I knew liked me were constantly showering me with attention, that would be the worst.

…is Bella a lesbian? She doesn’t seem to have any problem with the girls who moon over her.

Edward ignores Bella for six weeks. Yep. He sits next to her in Biology and just doesn’t look at her. She begins to think that he regrets saving her life–I’d make some comment about what a stupid twit she is for considering this, but this is honestly possible since Edward seems to have massive psychological problems.

Unfortunately for Bella and her man-hating ways, the “Girl’s Choice” dance is coming up. Her friend Jessica wants to ask Mike! Aw wait it looks like Mike turned her down, so he could ask Bella to ask him. Bella deftly manipulates him into feeling bad for giving Jessica a “maybe,” and then, despite the fact that there is Nothing Wrong With Mike, she makes up some bogus excuse about going to Seattle that day. Also, apparently Bella is SO CLUMSY that she will cause herself and others bodily harm by going to a high school dance.

An aside, the only dance I ever went to was prom, but I have reason to believe that if someone had asked me to any other dance, I might have gone. Except for I’m a bit of a man-hater myself. I digress.

After Mike asks her, Edwards takes this moment to stare at her for a few minutes. Not at all creepy. Bella has a moment where she realizes that all this time she’s spent obsessing over a guy who is clearly sociopathic is unhealthy–good girl!

Edward then decides to talk to her, for reasons unknown, but only to tell her that they shouldn’t be friends. “Forget how friendly I was to you before and during saving your life, I’ve decided to cause you emotional pain by now ignoring you for no good reason. I know this will only make you want me more.”

I’m paraphrasing.

Bella accuses him out loud of regretting saving her life, which seems to make him angry. Well, all right, there’s no “seems” about it, since Stephenie loves to just up and tell me how people are feeling. It saves me a lot of brainpower. Observe–

“He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.”
“He was definitely mad.”

What, no “his eyes flashed as the muscles in his jaw clenched, fists balling under the desk as he regarded me with a cold and baleful stare?” Think of all the adverbs you could fit into that, sweet author! On second thought, your readers are 15 year olds who just want to get to all the not-sex scenes, so the effort would just be wasted.

Bella can’t believe that Edward wouldn’t want to be friends with her. This totally ruins her day… again. Even worse, Chess-Club Eric is waiting by her truck to ask her to the dance. I thought this was Girl’s Choice? Incredibly, Bella echoes my thoughts. This girl has brief flashes of clarity that make me wonder if she doesn’t know she’s in a terribly written vampire novel. Eric is shunned with the same stupid Seattle excuse, and he “slouches off.” Poor guy, being a nerd is apparently a physical ailment.

Edward happens to be nearby enough to be creepy, and then pulls his car (“a shiny Volvo”) out in front of Bella’s truck so she can’t pull out–which gives Tyler enough time to come up to her window and ask her to the dance. Bella snaps at the poor guy (“I HATE IT WHEN BOYS LIKE ME”) and considers rear-ending the Volvopire.

Bella’s friend Jessica calls her while she’s making dinner, excited to tell her that Mike agreed to go to the dance with her. Bella continues her newfound love of manipulation by suggesting the other two girls at their table ask Eric and Tyler to the dance as well, so she doesn’t have to deal with her awkward and confusing lack of attraction towards anything with male genitalia, I’m sure.

Yes, I’m implying Edward doesn’t have any balls.

Speaking of that freak, he’s hovering around Bella the next morning as she gets out of her car, and catches her keys with inhuman swiftness when she drops them. Bella asks how he can appear out of thin air like that, and he says “It’s not my fault if you’re exceptionally unobservant,” because he clearly loves making his women feel helpless, confused, and crazy. P.S. his eyes have been changing color from black to “warm honey” all chapter, and it’s making me feel helpless, confused, and crazy.

Edward insists that they still shouldn’t be friends, because it’s for the best. Then he asks if Bella needs a ride to Seattle. NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY. No, it’s that he wants to be near her, but they still shouldn’t be near each other. Essentially, he’s artificially created a need for secrecy and inflated the forbidden nature of their relationship.

Bella, being a teenage girl, is hooked.

His last line in the chapter, I swear to God, is

“You really should stay away from me. I’ll see you in class.”

This kid needs medication.