Chapter Five

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?

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443 Responses to “Chapter Five”

  1. Wow, that was funny and yet remarkably boring, sorry Ms. Rachel for having to endure it.

  2. really she tries to put being a virgo on par with being a werewolf? seriously?

    • That’s just how much it DOESN’T MATTER TO HER!!!1

      • no the only part that matters is that they are not going to age. you’d swear she thought she was going to sprout wrinkles as soon as she turns 20.

        • Um…duh.

          I know the second I hit twenty I needed a cane to walk, developed glaucoma, went on oxygen, and developed Alzhei-What was I talking about? Who are you?

          • lol! I was the first of my friends to turn 20, and they all relentlessly made jokes about me needing a walker.

            I found Bella’s little outburst about being the only one to not age mildly amusing, but one year ain’t gonna make a difference sweetheart.

            • Clementine Says:

              She’s probably afraid that if she gets any older, she might mature a little, and then she will realize what a douche Edward is and dump him.

            • lol it’s a two sided coin. I’m the LAST of my friends to turn 20 so they all make jokes like, “wait can you come with us. You’re only a teenager” xD

              As for Bella. :roll: If only her age was the least of her problems.

  3. Well, here’s my first comment after lurking for god only knows how long, and after my fourteen year old sister decided to make me watch the film version of Twilight (at which I nearly barfed my goddamn intestines out at), I have to say, your recaps keep me believing in the saneness of humanity. Too many people have been brainwashed at this crap and not a day goes by where I hear a “OMGZZZZZ, r u team Jacob or Edward lollololololllll” (I always have to explain that I’m Team Buffy :D). But it’s not just your opinions that truly have me marvelled; your sheer determination to get through these books and let the public know of the truth behind all the collection of words that Smeyer calls “the Twilight saga” aka “The ‘Let’s ladysplooge in my pants everytime Eddy even looks at me’ saga”. I know I couldn’t do it and I’m usually the one that stays up until 5am reading great huge and boring books, and even I couldn’t stand the first chapter of Twilight.

    Great job, I must say. And Bella is a selfish prick, just in case it wasn’t obvious, even though it totally is and I wasted ten seconds of my life typing such an obvious comment. :D

    • Team Victoria. Because she’s barely IN the book, even though she’s all big and terrifying! Wooo. I’ll support any character who is barely in the book. Or perhaps Team SMeyer’s Therapist?

      (I was lurking too. Fun, isn’t it?)

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Woo! Team Victoria! HIGH FIVE! I support anyone who can do stuff without actually doing stuff! The epitome of efficiency and laziness! She’s MY role model!

    • Whoa, how did you survived to the movie? I have seen some previews of it, and it seemed to me even worse than the book.
      (And i’m Team Buffy too :P)

    • Khitty Hawk Says:

      Team Switzerland, and that’s Axis Powers Hetalia’s Switzerland. (Hey you Twilight kids, GTFO my lawn!)

      Personally, I just thought Twilight was the most boring book I’ve ever read.

    • Actually, the way I managed to sit through Twilight was to buy the Rifftrax of it (I’d paste the URL here, but would I look like a spam-bot? D: I dunno! It’s highly google-able though). It’s the same guys who did Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was like watching the movie with three other people who hated it as much as I did and mocked it relentlessly. :D It made the movie “hilariously bad” instead of just… bad. I seriously can’t imagine watching that thing by itself. My condolences to you, ergh.

      … Twilight has “teams”? What? What do they do? Competitive bitching and/or shipping or something? I don’t understand fandoms! D:

      • We watched Twilight with the Rifftrax at a party recently. The entire room was just howling with laughter. A++ best Rifftrax so far

      • Team Edward: the Twitards who think Edward is her soulmate and a little abuse and well-intentioned controlling and stalking is neither here nor there when it comes to TRUE LOVE.

        Team Jacob: the Twitards who think she should get with Jacob instead. I’d support them, but I have a feeling that if she had gotten with him he’d have done an Edward as SMeyer doesn’t understand healthy relationships.

  4. Mary Ann Says:

    “Where the justice??” over her aging? Um, because it’s so TOTALLY UNFAIR that Bella has to live like a normal human.

    I would kick any guy’s ass who dropped my sister/cousin/friend for me. Gosh, the women in this book are pathetic, codependent shells who can’t survive without men, aren’t they? Gosh.

    Welcome back, btw :)

  5. M. Fruvus Says:

    Wow… uh, this book. Kinda lame. There are more plot contrivances and loopholes than actual plot.

    HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK.

  6. CrazyFishie Says:

    Feel free to beat me, but i did that that ‘I’m a Virgo!’ quote-blurb kind of funny.

    • Hehehe, now if she were a Gemini I would be more impressed!

    • Yeah, I thought it was kind of clever. *facepalms* Someone, help me!

      (Welcome back, by the way, Rachel.)

    • I did too, but that’s only ’cause every Virgo I’ve known has been a total headcase. XD It seemed incredibly fitting.

      Apologies to all the sane Virgos.

      • LOL! I was about to say the same thing, every female virgo I have met is a Mary Sue :D (no offense :P )

        Did… did Smeyer actually research this?! I’d be shocked.

        • Moonshade Says:

          I take offense to that! I’m a Mary Sue, and I will not tolerate being compared to that nitwit Bella Swan!

    • Softspoken Says:

      I thought it was funny, partly because Virgo brings to mind ‘Virgin’, which is really hilarious to imagine Bella yelling instead of Virgo.

      • Yeah, i thought that too.
        Now you mentioned, “I’m a Virgin!” would totally fit since we all know Bella can’t wait to have wild vampire sex with Edward. Ew.

        • and suddenly she breaks out it Madonna’s song complete with white dress

          • Di-chan Says:

            With your comment about Madonna’s song, I didn’t see Bella singing it… more like Edward a la “Moulin Rouge” style. Bella seems more the type to sing “Barbie Girl.”

            • Nah, Edward’s song is ‘Every Breath You Take’.

            • Or that Clay Aiken song, “If I Was Invisible”. It’s not only creepy as hell, it’s grammatically incorrect too!

            • Moonshade Says:

              I see I’m not the only one here who’s read “Touch Me I’m Sick”. Good to know.

              YAY FOR MISINTERPRETED SONGS!

        • “I’m a virgin! And I’m 18, which is practically 20, which is OLD, which is practically DEAD. I DON’T WANNA DIE A VIRGIN!” *nudge…nudge!*

        • Makokam Says:

          Ya know, Edward doesn’t have a hearbeat or need to breathe. This leads me to belive hat there is NO BLOODFLOW in his body. Which makes me ask, “Can he even get an erection?”

          • Cathrine Says:

            I think this has already been touched on, in the whole, this biology lesson does not compute. But my horrible thought is well, they say his skin is hard like diamonds, so you could say he’s hard as a rock all the time…
            (sorry, painful I know)

            • I still don’t understand how he can knock her up when in order for sperm to survive they must be a certain temperature, and ice cold is definitely not it!

            • Cathrine Says:

              ah, but remember, this is special vampire sperm! (if you throw logic out the window, it works, really. I swear. Well, more I hope, or my universe will crumble with the insanity, and not the fun kind)

            • I think I would respect Smeyer more if she just said, it’s magic, rather than poorly thought out wanna be logic.

            • I don’t know what you’re complaining about, it all makes perfect scientific sense:

              She’s on acid.

              Think about it. Acid explains the sparkles, and it explains why she thinks we should be interested in really little, boring aspects of Bella’s life. God, it makes SENSE now!

            • Oh my gods, you’re right! Or crystal meth.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I thought it was hilarious too.

  7. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    Why do I get the feeling Bella was only made a Virgo so that Smeyer can say that since her sign is a pure, awesome, fantastagorical virgin who is perfect and it’s liek tots fate n’ stuf gois? Srsly?

    -________-;;

    Team Buffy all the way…because I know (and hope) she can make with the stabitty-stab-stabby to both the vamps and the weres.

    • Because that is probably the reasoning behind it.

      I am ashamed to share a sign with Fainty McWeepy-Swan.

      • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

        Oh come now, you can’t fool me Mr. Man On The Other Side Of The Screen! Everyone knows Smeyer has no reasoning capabilities!

        I thank the gods I’m a Libra.

      • Carolithe Says:

        I am terribly ashamed to be a Virgo girl T-T

        Reading Bella’s declaration of her sign made me die just a little more inside D:

        My twi-obsessed, Edward-fangirl bestie told me she thought Bella was exactly like me. It made me so sad.. not least of all because she believed being Bella-like was a GOOD THING. >_<

        I WANT TO BE VICTORIA. Or, you know, a normal human being.

        • I wouldn’t take it too personally, since people seem to just project their personality of choice on Bella despite the fact that she is obviously a whiny bitchy. Ask any several Twilight fans (who aren’t ones that hate Bella) who Bella is and you’ll get different answers from each (whoa bad syntax, go me). *pats*

        • Moonshade Says:

          I understand your pain, but it reminds me of a very happy anecdote.

          My birthday was a few weeks ago, and my husband gave me a wonderful card. Along with other sentiments, he informed me that “(he is) no Edward Cullen, and you, my dear, are no Bella Swan. And for that I am eternally grateful.”

          I was so very happy with him.

      • Isarine Says:

        I not only share a sign with Fainty McWeepy-Swan, I share a birthday, just one year off (according to random Twilight trivia). I died a little inside.

      • Moonshade Says:

        It’s because I emailed Smeyer and threatened suicide if she made Bella a Leo.

  8. In this chapter, Edwardo was searching for the perfect pair of rhinestone studded maracas. IMAGINE.

    Also, this is how this book makes me feel:

    щ(゚Д゚щ)

  9. Rachel H. Says:

    I have even progressed to telling my DAD about how much these books suck, plus I was in a wedding last weekend and I got in a fight with one of the other bridesmaids because she was saying how Twilight is an amazing story of unconditional love…. my mouth literally dropped open. She had seemed so intelligent before then. Things did not go well when I tried to explain how Edward is a manipulative sociopath and Bella is a manipulative shell of a woman. Conclusion: there is no arguing with a Twitard.

    All that to say, thank you for being a lone voice for intelligent literature, and you are not alone :)

    • There is no arguing with a fan. Period.

      And Twilight fans are particularly rabid and prone to angry outbursts.

      • Will wonders never cease Says:

        I’m related to a rabid fan.
        My little brother watched the movie (because he has this girl who’s a friend, no not a girl friend, and she told him all about it so he caved) and for some unholy reason was hooked.
        I’ve never seen the movie but I tried to explain to him why the whole series was complete and total crap but he wont listen.
        This is ridiculous. >.<
        Oh, and he didn't believe me when I told him Edward leaves in the next book/movie.
        He was all like, "Ffuuuck, yeah right, like THAT would happen. Don't you KNOW how in love they are?!?"
        *snickers*
        Anyway, keep up the great work.
        This is the only site that makes me so pissed off I want to strangle someone (Bella) and laugh till my sides hurt, at the same time. ;)

        • Holy Moly, don`t remind of the male variety of the fandom! :| I`ve met a couple of guy-Twitards and they`re just plain creepy! Swooning over this “romance”, thinking it`s *such* a realistic analysis and what not! Well, at least your brother is still little…maybe he`ll grow out of it, which more than I can say for the folks above……

          • “Grow out of it”?

            God, I had an eighteen-year-old guy ask me out the other week (after months of me saying “I’M NOT INTERESTED!” – because this is what Twilight teaches us, children). He said “I could be your Edward!”.

            It doesn’t get better.

            Now he cries when I insult Twilight. (Hmm… maybe it DOES get better!)

            • “I could be your Edward.”

              I think I would have thrown a laughing fit straight into his face! Does he realize how ridiculous that sounds? XD

              Oh well, hope he won`t give you anymore trouble!

            • “I could be your Edward”? WTF is wrong with this guy? That was simply creepy.

            • “I could be your Edward!”

              That’s pretty good grounds for a restraining order, I think. Lock your doors and get a rottweiler.

            • Di-chan Says:

              “I could be your Edward”?

              I miss cheesey pick-up lines now. The ones that made you laugh and maybe humor the guy isntead of whipping out the brass knuckles and pepper spray.

            • Haha. That reminds me of a time I got into a fight with my boyfriend and called him Edward just to piss him off. It worked, too.

            • what’s really sad is this kid i know who is CREEPY AS HELL and completely obsessed with Twilight. He dyed his hair and wears contacts to make him “look like Edward”. and he’s changing his middle name. yeah. he has 4 now. it’s “edward anthony mason cullen.” that’s actually how he refers to himself. but he was creepy before he got hooked on twi-crack.

            • Makokam Says:


              -whistles-
              Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww

    • You can’t have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent!

      • Di-chan Says:

        It is either that or, “Never argue with a fool, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

  10. But….But…. I am a virgo…. I existed before that little piece of literary crap and I DEMAND she change her sign. I can’t believe she even has one.. You have to have a soul and general existence to have a sign damnit.

  11. Mary Ann Says:

    Y’know, if Bella were actually the bookish type that Smeyers wants us to believe she is, she would know that she’s not a Virgo. Astrological signs are based on the relative visual position of the sun on the “backdrop” of stars; from our POV on Earth, of course. Over time (thousands of years) the Earth’s precession has caused the sun to be in a different constellation in, say, January 1990, than January of BC 1990. So Bella’s actually a Leo.

    Another lame Smeyer attempt at using imagery instead of character development fails.

    :D

    • “I’m an Ophiuchus!”

    • NOOOO! Bella cannot be a Leo! Not just because that would mean she shares my sign, but because Leos are supposed to be INDEPENDENT and have some semblance of LEADERSHIP. Neither of which Bella is.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        But she’s supposed to be a very STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman! It makes perfect sense (*cough*okayI’mlying*cough*)

        • Her star sign is totally “Lamb” or “Sheep”. Something white and wanna-be fluffy that says “baah” a lot.

          And now I feel sorry for the species of sheep,

      • Moonshade Says:

        Maybe she’s a Leo transvestite (apologies to all transvestites out there).

        Fun fact: female lions are strong and intelligent. Male lions, on the other hand, regularly eat lion babies, lay around and sleep all day, and then eat what the females bring home because they’re so STRONG and INDEPENDENT that they don’t need to hunt for themselves.

  12. MovieTrailer Says:

    “Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?”

    Umm, I am ashamed to admit that I was a fan of Twilight. (WAS, being the key word here) So I can tell you that after Breaking Dawn came out, Stephenie Meyer said that she wasn’t sure if she was finished with these characters. Edward and Bella’s story is, obviously, finished. However, Stephenie Meyer said there were some other characters that she might like to write about….

    Which kind of worries me, because now we get to learn about how its okay to stay with your physically abusive boyfriend. Oops, spoiler? I can’t remember where that part comes… sorry?

  13. Forsakentale Says:

    Wow, that’s freaking awesome. Maybe in a next Werewolf The Forsaken campaign I’ll just create a tribe called The Quilbry: they explode, are telepaths, immortals, gigantic, with 6 pack abs and hot as hell… Now beat that Vampire the Requiem! Hah!
    I do feel that I love Leah just for the sake of liking at least a character per book and Alice isn’t doing much here right now to fill my nice-lesbian-in-the-closet quota…

    Thanks for the recap Rachel :)

    PS: and OF COURSE she’s a VIRGO. How convenient… She’s a nice, virginal, codependent woman who’ll only have sex after marriage. Then she can be a freaking nympho for all we care.

    • I actually DO like Leah… especially later when Jacob talks about what a bitch she is. She has ridiculously valid reasons for being a bitch, but she doesn’t like Bella so she is BAD

    • “Alice isn’t doing much here right now to fill my nice-lesbian-in-the-closet quota…”

      My god, you too? Apart from finding this series so much fun to lampoon, that right there is the only real reason I might dare to read any of the books. (Though I confess imagining Edward as Edwardo like Ambrrr up there has me wondering if it’d make the books an amusing experience.) I enjoy going on subtext hunts, haha.

      Man, that would actually be a kind of interesting concept, though. A closeted lesbian vampire, who’s stuck in a straight relationship and living an eternal lie. When all of a sudden, along comes an attractive girl from outside, who gets tangled in all their lives and can’t be avoided! Bam, emotional conflict! I know there’s no way Smeyer would write that, because it would be at least marginally compelling. But hey!

      It’s kinda frustrating how many ways this series could’ve been almost interesting. >:|

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Yup, that’s right. My vision of Alice goes just like that and I have to hunt for good-written fanfics, they end up being much more enjoyable than the real thing (thanks SMeyer for the lack of skills, ma’am).
        And yes, it makes my day looking for my own disturbed-lesbianish-version of Twilight ;D I mean, c’mon, Leah’ll be the only wolfie badass? Independant? Without a man and single? Yeah right, SMeyer, she’s “straight”, HAH. u.u

        • I’m getting horrible squicky mental pictures of an ey-glazed Edward eavesdropping on Alice’s tormented Bellacentric fantasies. Oh god, my eyes. Make the burning stop.

  14. Because precious Bella doesn’t get to live forever, there is no justice in the world. Not because hundreds of people starve to death every day. Not because there are wars over ideologies that result in innocent people dying every day. Not because many murderers don’t get convicted over technicalities. Not because many rapists aren’t prosecuted because their victims are too terrified to testify. Not because members of the LGBT community are still persecuted by bigots who use religion as an excuse to be idiots. Not because people still discriminate against each other based on skin colour. Not because women are burned or stoned to death because they have been raped.

    There is no justice in the world because our precious Bella has to get old and die, just like all other human beings, except she probably lived a much better life than any number of people. The horror. Gods, I want to slap this bitch to hell and back.

    That is not to say that I myself have not used hyperboles when frustrated or disappointed. However, I have DEFINITELY never used the phrase, “What kind of world is this?” in relation to anything trivial.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I’m sure you would. If it were in sarcastic tones. That said, Bella really is stupid and selfish. Apparently, growing old is too mundane for her in spite of the in-detail commentary we get about every single itty bitty aspect of her life.

      • Here complaint about not living forever pissed me off. What kind of message does this give to teenagers?

        When I was 14, I believed that you were all grown up with 17 and ancient with 35. What a load of bullshit. I’m over 35 now and still going strong. :-)

        I hate that nowadays, there’s this strange urge to stay young forever. I don’t need a book character to enforce this fear in teenagers.

        It would be much more interesting to pursue the downside of immortality.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Haha! I never thought anything like that. But when I was 17, my back gave out. The first thought in my head was “I’M MIDDLE AGED ALREADY?! DOES THAT MEAN I’M GOING TO DIE AT 35?! I WAS HOPING FOR 78ISH!”

          For me, there is no urge to stay young, because there’s old person and ickle kid in me in equal portions. Besides, in the line of work I intend to go into, it’s a plus if you can stay childish.

  15. I don’t live in the US so I’ve missed most of Twilight’s Reign of Terror, although of course fan-slaverings are all over the internet. But I went home a while back and took the opportunity to buy some razors, and noticed that BIC has put out a new blue-toned (one might, under duress, call it twilight-toned) line for women. One set is called Twilight. The other? Bella.

    Holy. Hell. Not even our razors are safe.

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      Why did the image of girls cutting themselves to the Bella and Twilight razors because onoez they cant find twu wuv n hav 2 get liek totes old leik!

      Sorry, but I can’t help but use “totes” sarcastically nowadays.

  16. A propos the “Sam & Emily forever”(tm)-story, I’d like to point out that it was when Sam hurt Emily that they found a foundation for their love. She didn’t want to have anything to do with him since he dropped her cousin like a stone and started drooling all over her. I know most antis say that is why he transformed and hurt her, but the text does not say why he lost his temper around her. He did however transform (fursplode) out of anger while she was around (and you know once they imprint on their womanfolks, they can’t stay away from them) and gave her a nice souvenir for it, a scar that went from her face and down her arm. This made him want to go jump off a cliff…no, wait, he already did that in book 2 and survived… Anyway, he wanted to die because he felt such guilt for what he’d done and Emily was the one who comforted him and this brought them together. It is quite a lovely picture:
    he hurts her
    she ends up in the hospital with an excuse for her injuries (attacked by bear, I guess stairs can’t rip half your face off)
    he feels guilty about it
    she comforts him (“oh, hunnybunny, I know I’m scarred for life ’cause of you, but it made me realize I love you”)
    HEA
    it’s a classic Stephenie Meyer love story

  17. Mistress Dizzy Says:

    Jesus H Christ that is so messed up. ..Luckily I’ve never met a Twilight fan, but I’ve been sending this site to all my friends who don’t like it, so they can have a laugh or twelve.

    But yeah, that’s really sick, about the relationship between Sam and Emily. How are females not seeing the red flags here? I mean, there are warning bells blaring for me every time Edward opens his mouth.

    …Team Buffy, I think. Or perhaps Team Van Helsing…

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      Team Van Buffy-sing!

      I can see Gellar in the hat even as I type.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Can we add Team Blade in there, too? Since it seems like we are gathering all the infamous/known vampire hunters. The more I read the recaps (which are very entertaining) and slowly get through Twilight (still wondering why I agreed to that) the more I wish there would be a Vampire Hunters Convention in Seattle during this farce.

    • I like the name of Team Alucard as well, thinking about it. :D

    • I’m Team Edward(is-a-disgrace-to-Vampires)
      I think he should be sent to Train under Alucard. Then maybe he’ll be at least dignified enough to burst into flame in the sun.

      • I’d have my money on Integra Hellsing shooting him for being utterly useless or Seras Victoria getting annoyed with someone honing in on her terrority… or even Alucard treating dear Eddie like Luke Valentine (either Anime series) which may make many readers happy.

  18. I’m all for Team van Helsing! Hell, I’m even for Teams Dracula, Alucard, and Lestat.

    Not Louis, though.

    Louis was a whiny punk, even if he COULD kick Edward’s sparkling, candy ass six ways to Sunday.

    Where’s the justice, Bella says?! Where’s the justice in forcing the rest of the sane world to have to listen to the obscenely contrived abortion of a “saga”?

    • I was Just going to add Team Van Helsing!

    • Barnabas Collins could have kicked Edward’s ass!

    • Louis would have moped along side Bella, but really would have kept his distance. After the interlude with Babette – the woman he adores from afar in the novel and who calls him a demon or something – he wouldn’t risk getting to close.
      Of course, Lestat would turn Bella into a vampire right away. Gah.

      Lord protect us from SMeyers/Rice crossovers. No good can come from them. The only safe way to go is Twighlight/Buffy.

  19. LauWren Says:

    Y’know how in the beginning SMeyer did a quick Google search. I think she may have checked on Wikipedia really quick for Virgo. Y’see, it’s a mutable sign, which means…

    The mutable or bicorporal signs signify a duality of life experiences, and those individuals who are influenced by these signs are likely to have two main experiences, two main vocations, or two main loves that will strongly affect them for the totality of their existence.

    Of course, for perfect home mom Bella who is so good in school she won’t need college, those are all the. Same. Thing. Main experiences? Edward v. Jacob. Main vocation? Edward’s wife v. Jacob’s wife. Main loves? Team Edward v. Team Jacob. Oh, and I guess that werewolves v. vampires counts for experience, but that it TOTES less important than settling down with the first boy you’re interested in and spending all of eternity with him as his wife and mother of his child.

    …How old is Bella again?
    /rant

    • Deanderthal Says:

      Every time I read something Bella says/does/thinks, I have to remind myself she is supposedly at least 18 years old.

      I keep thinking “well, that makes sense for a 15 year old – wait a minute!”

      • She is supposed to be an unusually mature 18 year old. This is what all the adults in the novel keep telling us. Otherwise I wouldn’t have a problem with her little girl tantrums.

        • Di-chan Says:

          Wasn’t there a disturbing line like, “she is seventeen going on middle age” or equally moronic in the beginning?

          A matter of opinion but being mature does not equal being as interesting as wet newspaper. I always took mature as being responsible and not as naive as some children/teens tend to be. When has she actually done something interesting beyond her complaining, her whining about not being turned into a vampire, or her whining about Edwardo leaving her? It could be argued that an “unusally mature 18 year old” would have accepted it without all the whining. Almost like rationalizing it, “Well I could move around with a minor league baseball team that ranks last and Phil, who is creepy, or I can move to Forks with my father and enjoy a life that is a bit more stable then being here.”

          I don’t know, if it had been me at 18 that would have been my thought.

          Thinking about it, doesn’t Bella sound more like a Stepford Wife the more things continue? Just a little bit?

          • I think she said her mother used to tell her she was born thirty and just gets more middle-aged.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            *picturing sparkly sombrero Edwardo tangoing off, shaking maracas* Hehehehe. Ever since you brought that image up, I just can’t get it out of my head.

      • Moonshade Says:

        *note to self*

        When writing a deranged or possibly mentally ill character, make sure to point out that they are mentally ill and treat them accordingly.

    • Clementine Says:

      I seriously doubt Smeyer did any research into astrological signs. I’m pretty sure she thought, “virgo is sort of like…virgin! What a great way to subtly hint to readers that they should wait for marriage, just like my strong, independent heroine, Isabella Marie Swan.”

      • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

        Her middle name is Marie?!

        So now I have yet another reason to hate her because she dares to have my middle name?!

        SHE CAN’T HAVE IT!

  20. “But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.””

    ‘That level’ of commitment and adoration, before you’ve gotten to know the person, just seems revolting. :| I would tell him to GTFO, *especially* if he had dumped someone I was close to. Totally ridiculous. How can anyone think that is romantic?

    • Amen to that! I would be so creeped out. That is what we call obsessive stalking behavior, and is the reason they invented restraining orders.

    • I really want to know how the whole “hooking up with Emily” thing went down.

      I mean, after he dumped Leah, shouldn’t she have just refused to see him? Eventually her parents or friends had to have said something.

      Or was she forced into seeing him due to cultural pressure? Did her parents complain to the police, and the elders tell them to sit down and shut up?

  21. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

    …Are you serious, she actually says that, just about getting -old-? Bella is such a self-absorbed little brat. I’m insulted that my math teacher suggested this series to me months ago.

    Also, hi, been lurking around for a few months. These recaps fill me with humor-filled joy and rage at the same time, you’re truly amazing.

  22. Nothing really happens towards the very end, a la Smeyer. It’s like her writing style resembles sex for the first time. You go slow because you’re nervous. then BAM! Orgasm and you’re done.

    That wasn’t how I wanted this comment to go… o_o

  23. Wait, so… the readers are supposed to hate Leah?

    Uh… why?

    Oh wait. I guess the only reason is because she hates Bella or something.

    God dammit.

    • She doesn’t hate Bella yet but people are already telling me that Leah is a bitter resentful woman or something. I’m sure we’ll get to that part.

      And I’m sure it has something to do with Bella.

      • Leah was my favorite character for all of breaking dawn, she hates bella. i mean how can you not admire someone in smeyer world who feels that way?

      • oh — it does

      • The other werewolves complain once, about how they don’t like it when Leah switches over because she is angry and bitter and they can hear her thoughts.

        Its like they all think it’s just a massive case of sour grapes or something.

        • I actually rather like that they have to listen to her when in wolf form.

          They can suffer the endless whining of a creation of SMeyer too! And lucky them, THEY got a character with a REASON to whine!

  24. I’m horrified that Bella shares the same sign as me. >_<

    I used to like being a Virgo….

    • you know. never before have I encountered a series that has honestly ruined so many things for people.

      • I used to think I’d name my daughter Renee if I ever had one.

        …not anymore

        • You could use it to determine, through children’s parents, if kids are worthy to hang out with your daughter! If the parent says “Renee? Like in Twilight?”, that’s a no, but if they say, “Renee? Like Renee O’Connor, the actress who played Gabrielle on Xena?”, that there’s a resounding yes.

        • I’m still giving any son I have the middle name of Edward.

          But that is after my Dad’s middle name, not for the book character.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Imagine how people with the name of “Isabella” or “Bella” now feel. They’ll never escape the pain of Twilight come-ons or the like.

      • … imagine how Edwards must feel.

        • Mary Ann Says:

          My little bro is Edward. One of his best friends his freshman year was actually named Bella. Awkward…
          And he’s the sweetest guy, totally not an “Edward”. We have fun making fun of him whenever we see a rabid fangirl with an “I love Edward” t-shirt.

        • Di-chan Says:

          I forgot about that, but only because I hope one guy pulls the card- “Edward Cullen? Are you nuts? I would rather be Edward from Anita Blake, the assassin nicknamed ‘Death’ and all.”

          Can’t think of anything for Bella.

          • Bellatrix Lestrange, perhaps? She was nuts, but she was a badass also.

            • And oh-so delicious when played by Helena Bonham-Carter.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Totally.

            • Gotta disagree, Sylvie. Every time she came on the screen, all I could do was roll my eyes and think “Oh gawd, not this one again”, which is bad sign when I’m supposed to be terrified.
              The character…so cool and evil and scary, the acting…so…reminiscent of an idiot toddler hopped up on sugar.

            • How can you NOT love Helena?! Perhaps it’s a preferences thing… I happen to like off-blanance, childish bad guys, so I really enjoy her portrayl of the character. Sort of “weeee, aren’t I childish and great and almost entirely unthreatening and NOW YOU’RE DEAD, HA! HAHAHAHA!”

              But I’ve been a fan of her for a while, so perhaps I’m biased.

            • Helena was FANTASTIC. She put me off the first time she was on screen because I hadn’t pictured Bellatrix as insane, but she grew on me incredibly fast. That’s how I picture Bella when reading the books now. I’m big on the bad guys with psychological issues -TDK’s Joker is a favorite- :)

            • I personally adore Carter’s portrayal of Bellatrix — but I also pictured her being particularly off her rocker in a gleeful sort of way. but, to be fair, I can see how folks wouldn’t like Carter.

              Android 21 3/7 — that picture never gets old. XD

            • Moonshade Says:

              I personally liked HBC as Bellatrix, but only because my previous mental image of our dear Death Eater was of Gollum and Jack the Ripper somehow spliced together into a woman’s body.

      • I imagine it’s much like being named Katrina. Or Osama.

  25. xetherealxwinterx Says:

    After omnipresently being anonymously anonymous, I will presently–albeit not at the present–greyly post a comment; oh, look, grammar.

    Lax rant, plz?

    Sorry, I tried Meyer-style and /phaled./ How the devil does this woman manage to be so ridiculous on paper? Besides the obviously nutty aspects of the book, I find it funny how a seventeen year old girl, such as myself, is supposed to relate to Bella. I’m also eclectic. You can find me on any given day reading classical literature [E.A.P., especially] while mumbling the lyrics to songs like “The Flame” by Chimaira while simultaneously sneering at the stupid politicians on television and brainstorming my own stories.

    You’d think that the knowledge/skill a girl would acquire from being eclectic would mirror her personality. If Bella were any type of intelligent and any type of teenager, she wouldn’t be so dull and “normal.” And after reading classics, which was meant to make her look smart and give her some amount of depth, you wouldn’t think she’d never once refer to the work. I mean, any one of my friends refer to books we’ve read all the time. Like the time my friend accidentally read a smutty horror story–we were referring to that ridiculous thing the rest of the semester.

    “Gawd, I’m horny for you like Mr. Hyde was horny for Ursula!”
    [We were totally kidding, though. Really.]

    Besides that, I admire your ability to dissect this book for what it is. Personally, when I started reading Twitlight, I didn’t catch its ridiculous nature until I skimmed to finish and thought about it. There were many things that bothered me, such as how domineering Edward was and the fact that Bella was flattered after the git confessed he’d been watching her sleep. I took things as Meyer wrote them, although there were many things that I thought were disturbing.

    After discovering and reading your blog, I see there are many more disturbing aspects to the book that are–frankly–glorified abuse. I’ve referred you to my friends and quote you in Twitlight arguments all the time. You, Ms. Rachel Vampirely, are my hero and have earned the Intarwebz.

    Lenore

  26. Bella seems to be exasperated by every little thing.
    I keep hearing stories about people who like and defend these ‘books’ who had originally seemed very intelligent, and I have a theory that these books are some sort of emotional shallowness detector. That would explain why some people who once enjoyed the series eventually grow out of that ‘phase’ as they mature, while some people (like the Twimoms) have no hope.
    Also, check out this goofy little parody of the Twilight movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41OixAKZQWQ&feature=channel_page

    • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

      Ok, thanks to that video, I am of the opinion that if Twilight were really like that, were Bella was questioning the Sparkle-pire lore at every turn, it would actually be entertaining.

      • Between laughs while watching that video, I kept thinking to myself “This version of Bella is WAY too intelligent.”

    • That video was freakin’ hilarious! A couple of my favorite lines…

      Because…shut up!

      You dick, said Bella.

      Prepare to die for realsies…

  27. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Like OMG gaiz! You ttly dun get it! Rosalie and Leah don’t hate Bella because they’re infertile! They’re infertile because they HATE Bella! It’s punishment from God because they don’t like her! Duh!

    Just a brainwave that hit me. Obvious sarcasm, but just typing that made me feel sick.

  28. huh am i the only one getting the sublinimal message in the “I’m a Virgo” thing? Virgo is the sign of the virgin, correct? and bella is a pure little virgin. am i the only one who finds this connection odd?

    • Di-chan Says:

      She could have replied, “And, I’m human! The weakest of all three species involved, care to try again?”

      But that is sarcasm and personality, which is a bit out of place in the dialouge of this book.

      • xetherealxwinterx Says:

        SMeyer = PWNd

      • Softspoken Says:

        And after a little thought, is kind of a valid complaint. She’s been put in danger multiple times with almost no way to defend herself, and (theoretically) is still being hunted by Victoria.

        • Even among other humans Bella is particularly useless. Statistically speaking, one of those vampires should have eaten her by now.

          • I would like to eat her. As a favour to humanity/literature.

            I don’t imagine she tastes that good really though. That probably just qualified as a chat-up line in Edwardo/SMeyer’s diseased mind.

            • I would risk hanging with Hannibal Lecter if it were the only way to get this girl cooked and eaten.

            • Di-chan Says:

              Weird thought, imagine a nice college setting and the English Majors decide to hire the Forensic and Archaeology Major to kill Bella, end the series, and not get caught.

              Only because I do not think she would taste very well, since she has the personality of cardboard.

            • Di-Chan: Just because you are what you eat doesn’t mean you taste like it!

          • all I can think is when Spike says, I’ve only just met you and I don’t like you, I don’t see you living forever…Can I eat him yet love?”

    • Do I then, as a Turus, have extra authority to call this whole series a pile of bullshit?
      *badum-tish!*

  29. Katie Cole Says:

    Oh yea a chapter review! this just made my horrible sickly day better :D

    I’m getting really annoyed at how much SMeyer pretty much just copied TONS of stuff from Charlaine Harris. I’m on the third book of her series now and there are just soooo many things in common it’s hard to believe it’s all just a coincidence.
    BLAHH

    • I really want to read the Charlaine Harris novels after this, I’ve heard Twilight is just a horrible knock-off of them.

      • I’ve read the Charlaine Harris books (all except the most recent — my poor bank account couldn’t handle the hardcover price T^T ) and frankly, I don’t see the similarities. Sookie can be a bit of a Mary Sue but she has honest-to-goodness assets that make her needed/coveted by the supernatural critters around her. And she’s smart enough to get out of bad relationships (several times). She may be prone to Toomanybooksintheseriesitis, a condition which Annita Blake has been reportedly raising funds for recently, but she’s leagues apart from Ms. Pretty Birdy.

        Also, the vamps in CH’s work aren’t all good, and even the “good” ones are questionable; the ethics of their situation is called into play. Ditto for the weres. It all plays with cultural taboos and such.

        I’ve got a review of the second-newest book up on my blog if you’re interested. Not a plug, just an FYI.

  30. You guys.

    http://www.cracked.com/blog/my-book-proposal-for-the-next-bestselling-piece-of-shit/

    I lol’d. I don’t often lol. I feel like this guy may be reading this blog, or if he isn’t, he’d enjoy it.

  31. Albatoonoe Says:

    Well, I absolutely love this blog. I’m always hesitant to hate on something that I’ve never experienced, but I’ve never really wanted to read these book. Thanks to you, Rachel, I can now knowledgeably insult this series. Thank you soo much.

    And, sadly, I know a girl that likes Twilight. I’m a bit reluctant to bring it up to her, though. I like her well enough, and I can see problems arising from trying to argue Twilight with the rabid fans. Really makes a man feel helpless.

    P.S. I’m going with Team Belmont. Whips, Crosses, and Axes are the way to go.

  32. Cathrine Says:

    I was doing some random buffy vs. twilight image searches, cause I was bored and hoping for some amusement. I know others have posted other random anti-fan art stuff before, and I wanted to add to the lolz. I think this sums up the problem with the twuu lurve “plot”

    http://jarjarrr.deviantart.com/art/True-Love-116932248

  33. AHAH! All caught up now. That took a while…

    Love it. Absolutely love it. You’ve made me laugh so hard it’s ridiculous, and now I can mock Twihards without being forced to READ it. I tried it once – it burned my retinas. Accept my gratitude for what you have accomplished here. For one thing, you have a much stronger gag/book throwing reflex than I do.

  34. … *stares greenly at her screen* Where’s My Recap!

    • You think if I wrote to SMeyer she’d explain how to do something “greenly” to me?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      GREENLY (adverb)

      Meaning:
      With green color

      Context example:
      the countryside rolled greenly down into the valley

      Rach, either post a recap or run home and see your mom. Apparently, she’s so sick she’s green.

    • Softspoken Says:

      Concur! I crave your witty lambasting of Twilight.

  35. Okay, about that “imprinting” thing… *glowers* In Mercedes Lackey’s books about Valdemar, there is a phenomenon called “life-bonding” in which two people share that kind of intense, involuntary attraction. This is frequently more than a little disturbing to both parties, emotionally painful, and INCONVENIENT. Especially in that the death of one usually sends the other into emotional trauma-land.

    That is how you do psychic life-mate things. Not this piece of refuse. Also, ew.

    Tween egocentricity.

  36. Wait. Bella’s a Virgo? Crap. Can I change my birthday? I read the books but I missed this part. To be honest, after New Moon I basically skimmed hoping to either A) Reach the good parts (never found them) or B)Get to the plot (ditto).

    =] Thank you for doing these recaps so I don’t have to reskim the books. :lol:

  37. Mistress Dizzy Says:

    I’ve re-read the entire blog.

    Still hilarious. Now that’s staying power… The true tell of a good read is how many times you can pick it up and enjoy it, even though you’ve already read it. Would it be legal for you to publish these?

    Also, may I suggest a WTF?! meter for the last book- considering it’s gonna get freaky (and not even in the good way!).

    *pokes blog* Why won’t chapter 6 pop up… I’m going through Vampirely withdrawal.

    Oh god I’ve imprinted on her.

    ….Find me something pointy.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      How about the corner of your monitor? Though I highly doubt that will help lycanthropian puberty.

      • No dice. The corners of my laptop are all rounded…

        Help! I’m trapped in a Stephanie Meyer novel!

        • “Help! I’m trapped in a Stephenie Meyer novel!” would make a kickass fanfiction of Twilight, don’t you think? Some Twi-hater is, in a SMeyer-esque way, magically but logically beamed into Twilight and totally screws up SMeyer’s perfect world. Maybe we can convince Rachel Vampirely to write it XD.

          • Mistress Dizzy Says:

            You, sir or madam, win the internet.

            • Maybe I’ll write it myself, I have like, an entire plot written out already. Hmmm…

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Hahah! I can see it now.

              Edward: D8 YOU HAVE SEEN ME SPARKLE! YOU MUST ERASE EVERYTHING YOU’VE SEEN FROM YOUR MIND!
              Twi-hater: Believe me. I’m trying. Really really hard.

  38. fingoforever Says:

    OMG I dont know if this has come up yet, but I thought I would share.
    I don’t know if I can go see this movie (thanks in part to this blog) because I laugh HYSTERICALLY every time I watch this video.
    Sorry, RPatz. I think you’re sexy but this is soooooo overblown.

    And notice, we get a twinkle of the Bella/Alice pairing here. Alice totes wants Bella to stay in the car. I can tell.

  39. Makokam Says:

    Why are you still asking why nothing has happened?
    I accepted that long ago.
    But then, you’re the one reading it. (You read it, so WE don’t have to!)
    Though I probably will go to the library eventually to see this trainwreck for myself.

  40. Smeyer and her fans really have no idea that his stepping into the sun would mean NOTHING to someone who doesn’t subscribe to her stupid sparkly twist on vampire mythology.

    This is fanfic on film. To anyone who hasn’t read the book, this will make no sense whatsoever. There is no drama. There is no story. This is a completely closed world and a total waste of celluloid.

    I would love to have been in the editing booth when they were piecing that clip together. “And THAT’S the cliffhanger, Bob…!”/ “Where? What cliffhanger? Are they worried his fake abs will peel off…? I don’t get it.”

    Just picture Charlie here:

    “But, DA-AD,” pouts/screams/whines Bella, “if he steps into the SUN, people will know he’s a VAMPIRE!!!!”

    “‘Cause he’ll burst into flame and die a horrible screaming death, right, Bellakins?” prompts Charlie, his mustache twitching hopefully.

    “No, ’cause vampires SPARKLE!!!” Bella triple-screamers, rolling her eyes.

    And then, finally-finally, it’s off to the loony-bin for Bella. And there is much rejoicing.

    • Softspoken Says:

      What bothers me is that it should mean something, but really? Sparkles != the end, and SMeyer simply cannot convince me that it is.

    • It would have been so much more dramatic if he really WOULD have burst into flame. Would have made a hell of a lot more sense too.

  41. fingoforever Says:

    Oh god I wish they had gone all Buffy-lives-in-a-nut-house (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OrWasItADream) with this damn book. Then it would be genuinely obvious to the Twitards that this story sucks.

    • Actually I think if Bella were crazy and this was all in her head it may have been very interesting. Alice could be the nurse injecting her with the thorazine, just a thought :)

      • And this is just a transcript of her thearpy sessions? I’d read the last book where the therapist, who can be Carlisle, is telling her parents, who are together, that their daughter is highly delusional. There could be a lot of fun there.

        Or, for the sake of pain and torture, hope that Dr. Hojo (from Final Fantasy VII) makes a cameo.

        • Moonshade Says:

          A friend of mine is writing it: Bella is insane, and her friends and family watch as she hallucinates about her fellow patients being vampires and her doctors being werewolves. It sounds completely amazing from what he’s told me.

  42. Aw. I’m pretty depressed there wasn’t a recap for today. Now I have really do have to study for my final.=(

    • Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m wondering if Miss Rachel decided to take a 2 week vacation this time, or is there something wrong. Where did you go? Fans are getting worried about you

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        I just assume everyone is like I am when it comes to “for fun” projects: they are done on an “if and when I feel like it” basis. Otherwise, they quickly stop being “for fun”.

        • Agreed.

          • oh, I agree, not saying that I really need to have another one, just she doesn’t usually disappear for this long. I figure her mother is in on it, whatever it is, as there haven’t been any demands on her end. after so many months of these books, i can imagine she needs a well deserved break

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Maybe Mom is sick. She was staring at that computer screen very greenly.

              I’ll be the first to admit that perhaps that joke was in bad taste.

            • you guys are awesome XD

            • …Maybe some Twitards kidnapped Miss Rachel to shut up her Cullen-hate. Imagine, her bound and gagged in some teenager’s basement, being forced to watched the New Moon previews on YouTube for hours on end… I cannot think of a worse fate.

    • Indeed! That is a brutal fate. Or perhaps she’s been kidnapped, tattooed with this little number: http://tinyurl.com/kpqco2
      made to quote adverb-filled Twilight contradictions such as “I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful,” and forced to cover her clothing and other possessions with these: http://tinyurl.com/mgvuuc.

  43. Moonshade Says:

    Completely random note, perhaps:

    Twilight as a comic book/manga is repulsive, but not the first of its kind. Hugely popular works of fiction/fantasy that completely throw out pre-existing rules and laws for the sake of contrived plotlines? Horribly weak heroines clinging to abusive, self-loathing bad boys who have entire webrings dedicated to their hotness?

    I think I just described half the shoujo manga section. Except that these authors will generally recognize that the majority of their audience is female, and thus have the female leads actually being active about their problems… er… roughly one out of every ten to twenty situations. And while the bad boy is addressed as being controlling and/or abusive, he’s usually seen as an alternative to a much less pleasant situation, sad as it is. Which, though oppressive, is still a step above “why does everyone want to be my friend I hate attention why must I be so beautiful OH LOOK a guy who hates me that’ll be a great change of pace!”

    AKA Bella Swan a la Smeyer.

    I think the real difference here is that most syndicated manga (that makes it as far as the US, anyway) is generally written by competent human beings. Mostly because if it’s too crappy, the contract will be canceled then and there, and there’ll never be another chapter.

    *Sigh* Just imagine. If we had that system here, Twilight would have ended at the third chapter.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      As a shoujo manga fan, I must admit that you’re right. (I guess some of the manga I really like fall more under the josei category, but there’s still a lot of eye rolling and “Pfft. Like that would ever happen” incidents.) I guess the main reason why I like shoujo over shounen is because a least shoujo manga have their endings in sight.

      • Mistress Dizzy Says:

        Eh, I can’t read shoujo manga without wanting the lead females to get a flipping life outside the current guy she’s chasing. I read half of Peach Girl, I think that scared me off of the girly stuff completely.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Partially why I like shoujo manga better than shounen. As stupid as it turns out to be, at least they’re shorter than shounen. Five volumes of “D8 WHY DOESN’T HE LIKE MEEEEEEE??!?! WHY AM I SO OBLIVIOUS TO HIS MUTUAL AFFECTION?!” compared to like…50 volumes of “BAD GUYS! AGAIN! GOTTA FIGHT THEM! AGAIN! WHY IS THE WORLD IN DANGER?! AGAIN?!”, I’d take the five volumes thanks. Plus, it’s fun to picture myself, jumping in, slapping everyone silly, and giving them an ultimatum to either stop their silly fight and grow up or just break up, move on, and stop angsting.

    • All the manga version of Bella needs is a sparkly transformation sequence… oh wait, Edward already got that!

      • So sparkly that the Sailor Moon cast may have to start slapping someone.

        Damn it, now I got the image of Edward as Tuxedo mask and producing his own “sparkles” for the cheesey background image! That isn’t going to leave… the nightmares!

  44. lmfao, i just heard that smeyer is going to be sued for copyright infringement. it’s about damn time.

    • Pretty sure plaigarism falls under civil law and certain that suing does, and civil suits do not typically get one arrested. Moreover, the suit itself is pretty lame, citing broad, done-a-million-times before similarities (http://www.vancouversun.com/entertainment/Stephenie+Meyer+accused+plagiarizing+Breaking+Dawn/1863206/story.html) that speak more to the ho-hum unoriginality of both books than any sinister plot of plagiarism.

      • i love the comments that follow the article. i love it when fans get really upset that someone insulted the books or smeyer. they take it so personally.

      • I don’t think the lady suing her has a case, but only because Breaking Dawn was such a pile of moldy barf that I can’t imagine the other author could have had anything at all original for Smeyer to rip off; there wasn’t one non-cliched idea in the whole of Breaking Dawn was there? (With the exception of the stupid details from Twilight, such as vampire sparkles and such.) But yeah, the extreme Twitard comments at the bottom are exactly what we’ve come to expect from them. They read like stuff you’d think was fake, such as the comment by the one called Twilight Freak who says, “STEPHENIE WOULD SO NOT PLAGIARIZE. WHO EVER THAT JORDAN PERSON IS SHE IS TOTALLY LIEING.”

        • Kaotik4266 Says:

          I also enjoyed this comment from “miss.edward cullen”:
          “stephenie meyer wud not plagiaris”

          and from “soon to be mrs. jacob black”:
          “BELLA DOES NOT DIE IN THE SAGA. SHE ALMOST DIES but edward saves her and turns her immortal/into a vampire what ever you want to say.GET THIS STRAIT.BELLA DOES NOT DIE SHE BECOMES A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
          … yes. Sure. Does this person not realise how creepy that sounds?

          “Person who reads decent books” summed up my opinion perfectly, though:
          “Why would anyone claim to have thought up that crap?”

  45. A genius parody:

    Just goes to show that you can replace Bella with a cheeseburger.. and get the exact same plot.

    …Except the cheeseburger is a better actor.

    • Here’s another great one.

    • BetterThanShorts Says:

      Another awesome parody (although I may be biased because my friends made it…) This is what happens when you get theatre majors, bad wigs, and a golf cart together!

      And this is my first time commenting but these recaps have made me laugh so hard I cried! I really can’t wait until you get to Breaking Dawn. If a book has me laughing to the point I can no longer breathe over something that’s supposed to be SO! DRAMATIC! then it fails. Epically.

  46. *gasp* I’m offline for a week and this is what happens — you leave your readers hanging for so long that they’re forced to post THREE HUNDRED comments on Chapter Five?! Rachel, where is chapter six? If I have to come over there you’re going to have dishes for a month!

    • …damn

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      …So then you really don’t know if she’s sick or dead tired or anything? Well if she turns out to be fine, I’d still side with her. Reading these must be really taxing. Besides, we’ve been sharing Twi-lampooning things with each other while we wait.

      • Taxing is an understatment. I’ve been trying to get through the first blasted book for over two months now (five chapters in). That book caused me to develop a love for my old college text books (like the *riveting* one on genocides) and being distracted by everything.

        Torchwood and Captain Jack Harkness isn’t helping matters either.

        What is needed now is another comment to start a slew of fun. Had the vampire biology, who would be stalked/hit on before Edward Cullen, and the glittery mariachi suits and accessories… not to forget Alice. Go for a record in comments for this chapter.

        (That is boredom talking, still waiting patiently for the next recap.)

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Mmm. Captain Jack. But I like 10th Doctor more. :3

          • It was a toss up of who I wanted to throw in… cause I was tempted to put Ianto Jones instead of Jack.

            10th Doctor is a good choice. ;)

            • Ianto and Jack together in that one shmexy episode. :) But not sad, tear-jerker scene in the Children of Earth. Torchwood is preferred over Doctor Who at this point, but the CoE ending left me so pissed that I’m just not sure…

  47. So, I’m up late, and I’m wathing a vampire movie called Bitten.
    I highly recomend it. It’s everything Twilight isn’t.
    Real romance, real tension, real danger, real characters, real funny, and most of all, really GOOD.

  48. Hi! Just got to say I adore these posts and I can’t wait until the next one. *hint hint*

    I’ve read all of the Twilight books, forcing myself to keep reading as my friends said they were good. Spoiler: they were not. But I do enjoy to laugh at the terrible logic they offer.

    If you want to read an actual GOOD vampire book, everyone, I would strongly recommend Vampire Academy. I know the title sounds cliche but it’s fantastic and puts Twilight to immediate shame. Plus the main character is everything Bella isn’t: Tough, independent, and possesses brain cells. Read it! *nods*

    Thank you again for these wonderful posts! I enjoy them all immensely!

  49. Is anyone else mildly tempted to see the new movie when it comes out in the cinema purely for the unwittingly hilarious acting/lines/casting/preoccupation with trees?

    I feel dirty :-(

    • Perhaps.
      I might be more tempted to go for the purpose of rifftrax-ing it live. XD
      makes me want to go back in time so I could see Twilight when it came out just so when Edward sparkles I can yell, “WTF?! This is BULLSHIT!” and storm out.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Hey, if the movie isn’t good, I spent my cash (buyingtheticket/rentingit) so I might as well make the most of it. My sister and I had the best night laughing at Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Oh the plot holes. The “where the heck did that come from” moments. Those were the best. We actually did the same thing with the most recent G. I. Joe movie. At times it was so awful it was hilarious (except for the disgusting bits. We averted our gazes at those times). It made me wish that Baroness had the same awful Russian accent as she did in that old cartoon. Ahhh. Fun times.

      …Err… Tangent… My point is, no need to feel ashamed, especially if you’re just going to make fun of it.

    • I might only because I have about 11 free movie tickets kicking around…ugh I feel dirty too.

    • I’m reluctant to fund the pile of excrement though. I know that my £5 or so isn’t really going to make an impact, but it’s a moral thing. I don’t pay for fanfiction, you know? :-P

      My friend suggested paying to see another movie and then sneaking in…

  50. Moonshade Says:

    Well, until Rachel finishes her vacation, I found another website sort of like this one for Eragon. You know, the other literary atrocity of our generation.

    It’s not quite as sinfully snarky, but it’s still quite entertaining, and summarizes that pile of crap so that we, once again, don’t have to read it.

    http://eragon-sporkings.wikispaces.com/eragon_sporkings_page

    • Thank you so very much for this. I LOATHED Eragon when it came out (tried reading it, wondered five pages in why it read so much like the author had eaten a few David Eddings books and then vomited into Microsoft Word) and this site is making me feel all kinds of vindicated.

      • I second that emotion.
        I’ve been wanting to rip into Eragon for that for ages.
        I swear every other page had something that was based on the Belgariad. He even ripped Riva off description for description! grrr -ends rant prematurely-
        so yeah. Eragon is a suck pile.
        I’m so glad the other books haven’t surfaced as movies.

    • I do agree that Eragon was a literary atrocity, though not, I think, quite on the level of Twilight. I found the story mildly entertaining, but the kid’s writing annoyed me to no end. And the fact that he pretty much ripped everything off of other fantasy novels did not improve my opinion of him. Still, I would venture to say that Eragon does have a smidgen more depth than Bella.

      However… while I appreciate the author of that website’s efforts in pointing out the logical fallacies and purple prose of the books, I have to say her grammar is kind of making me *twitch*

  51. My sister actually went out and got the entire series, but I don’t know if she brought them or borrowed them. She finished the first book and said it was ‘okay’ except for ‘okay, we all know Edward’s gorgeous, can we hear about something else now?’ Well, at least she’s not crazy over it.

    Dude….Inviting your cousin to be the bridesmaid, who was formerly dating your husband? That’s…retarded. I can see some definite resentment. Ah, well, at least Leah bashes Bella around a bit, if I can remember correctly. She also just annoys Jacob, for…some odd reason. Maybe she doesn’t want them to be together? It wasn’t really clear. Ah, well, I’m sure you’ll find it out eventually.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Husband? I thought they were just boyfriend girlfriend. The latter is not as jerkfaced.

      As for Leah, hey if she bashes Bella, I’m like her already. I can dig it.

    • She annoys Jacob because she’s a GIRL and we all know that BOYS aren’t good with EMOTIONS unless they’re totally IN LOVE or happen to be sparkly vampires. In which case they’re good with everything.

      That and Leah dislikes Bella, thus Jacob must dislike her, as we’re not supposed to hate Jacob TOO much. Just more than Edward.

  52. ScarletMagpie Says:

    LAWL! My friend read it ten times and she couldn’t even get past the part about the “Ebil Vmapres”. Then her mom read it and told her she wasn’t allowed to read it or watch the movie ever!

  53. Okk…. 300 comments… no new recaps…. Mom already angry.. please Rachel!! I know it hurts! But you can’t do thiss!!! D:

    In Twittard news… the Teen Choice Awards…… WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! 11!!!! Best Drama? Romance? Villan? Fight!! I can see humanity reaching doomsday!
    In other news “The Twilight books have stayed in the list’s top 10 for 52 consecutive weeks. They held the first four spots a total of 13 weeks in the past year.”
    http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2009-08-03-twilight-series_N.htm
    Can’t believe!!!! *head explodes*

  54. New reader here. I’ve been lurking around the blog and comments for a few weeks now. As bittersweet as it is, I’ve just now finished with all the recaps. Only problem is, now I have this horrible temptation to pick up my sister’s copy of Eclipse. This blog is brilliant though. It’s the perfect combination of criticism and sarcasm. I can’t wait for the rest of the recaps for the series, and hope you go on to write more of these for other fanatically popular yet inept works.

  55. Softspoken Says:

    http://samandfuzzy.com/1131

    Panel 1. No further explanation required.

  56. Lol, got hooked on reading TwiFiction before I realized what utter crap Twilight really is, but now I just can’t stop. :) Anyway, Edwardo never came back, Bella moved and five years later she’s a teacher who ends up teaching, guess who, the Cullens. She gets emotionally screwed, so goes for a motorcycle ride, and then after she crashes, they have the Virgo, Vampire, Wearwolf conversation

    “She isn’t safe with you. You’re a werewolf!”

    “And you’re a vampire!”

    “AND I’M A FUCKING VIRGO!” I practically screamed, almost scaring the two of them out of their wits.

    Everybody in the room looked at me, shocked, but I didn’t care. I was mad. My head hurt, my bones ached, I was covered in gauze and bandages and attached to frikking tubes and instead of simply being allowed to sleep like I wanted, I’d found myself thrown into the middle of a superhuman squabbling match between two people who were most definitely old enough to know better. I glared at them so fiercely, I actually saw Jacob take a step back.

    “I am not a piece of meat,” I said, enunciating each syllable with painful clarity. “It is not up to either of you to decide what I do or where I go.” I looked at Edward, “I don’t care that you’re a vampire,” I looked at Jacob, “and I don’t care that you’re a werewolf. I’ve never given a crap about any of that. All I care about right now is that you are both acting like a couple of total dicks.”

  57. Anybody up for a forum for this site? We’re getting so many spam comments that it’s just getting annoying. Plus, the links and youtube posts are stretching the page out on my computer…

  58. where’d rachel go? a friend turned me onto this site almost a month ago, and i did a binge over a few days… and now there’s nothing more!!! i need my weekly sarcasm!

  59. rachel please come back !!!

  60. JaraSilverdawn Says:

    Guys. We’ve found her home address.

    4725 Desert Cove Avenue, Phoenix 85028.

    Do with that what you will.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I’m offended! I’m appalled! Come on guys! Let her keep some sense of anonymity and privacy! We may all be curious and worried about her, but that’s no reason to track down her address! What are we? 4chan? She’s someone we appreciate, not someone we deem as a threat to society! You guys might think I’m overreacting here, but I certainly wouldn’t want my address to be exposed to a bunch of people I don’t know very well!

      If she doesn’t feel like or can’t drum up the energy to tell us how she’s doing or why she hasn’t posted in a long time, then that’s just how it is. The context in this journal may be a little different, but I think Neil Gaiman’s point applies here. She’ll tell us how she’s doing when she gosh darn well feels like it.

      • While I agree it’s still very irresponsible to post anyone’s address online, I am pretty sure this is NOT Rachel’s address, if only for the fact that she lives in Washington State, as mentioned before (like when correcting some of SMeyer’s ridiculous mistakes), and not in Phoenix.
        So I’m thinking this is not entitlement issues as much as a call to harras Smeyer (what was that post replying to, anyway?), which is also bad, but in a different way.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          Oh. Okay then. I assumed it was Rachel’s because she’s been gone so long. …I still don’t approve.

      • Thanks for that Gaiman link … it is tres awesome.

    • Don’t post ANYONE’S home address on the INTERNET! Oh dear God! *headdesk*

    • Come on now. What, you think one of us dislikes her enough to write her an angry handwritten letter of disapproval, or to actually go to her house? (I’m assuming that’s Smeyer’s real address.) The dangerous ones for Smeyer’s safety are the rabid fans who’d get a hold of that thing and stalk her. Plus, I’m sure by now since you’ve gotten a hold of her address that her mail is screened. Where did you find that, anyway?

    • fingoforever Says:

      yeah, this is probably the worst idea ever. *shakes finger* would you want rabid fanmail from crazy people who read your blog suddenly flooding your house? (has image of that scene from Harry Potter, only Rachel Vampirely is running around trying to avoid the letters, not catch one).
      Please, post YOUR address on the internet and see if you like what happens.

      • I meant Smeyer’s house, not Rachel’s! I love Rachel and her blog. I’d never wish something like that on her…I was even sort of joking about doing it to Smeyer!

  61. Your hostess with the mostest is alive and well. She’s just busy doing more important things atm (not hard to find something more important than the Twilight series). I’m sure Rachel will be back for a recap soon.

  62. Wait… I thought you were posting Smeyer’s address. Um.. that is not Rachel’s address, and I can’t believe anybody would post it online even if it were Rachel’s address. *spank spank*

    • I assumed it was SMeyer’s…

      :-\

      I just think posting addresses in public forums is bad *twitch*

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      D: It wasn’t intended to be Rachel’s. I misunderstood. But I still don’t condone posting addresses on the internet, not even the addresses of people we dislike. Smeyer’s writing is criminally bad, but not illegal.

  63. While we are waiting for Ms. Vampirely to update once more, I put myself up to a similar project I’d like to share with you all. Those of you who are familiar with the shounen manga series, NARUTO, will know that it has a similar fandom to Twilight, only with a larger sane section to it. I’m proud to say I’m with the sane people.

    In any case, I found a disturbing parallel between Bella Swan and Sakura Haruno, both being complete damsels and devoted fangirls/50s housewives. While Bella is manipulative and devote to Edward, however, Sakura is abusive to the main character, Naruto Uzumaki, in several ways. Wanting to see just how bad it was, I went through the 459 chapters released thus far and identified her offenses.

    Oh . . . my gawd.

    http://xetherealxwinterx.deviantart.com/art/Sakura-a-HORRIBLE-Character-133162503

    A link to the manga is in the description for those who are interested in seeing my comments’ source. You can download my project to view. I must thank Ms. Vampirely for the “Because She Is A Strong Heroine” title; it unfortunately fit this analysis.

    Besides that, I love how the “arguments” from Sakuratards below are littered with personal insults. Because personal insults make you right.

    -Lenore

    • I’d only like to make a small commentary and then back the fuck away.
      One of the key points to Sakura’s abuse being humorous, is that Naruto lets her. What I mean by that is this: Do you have any doubt in your mind that Naruto could stop her from hitting him? He could block, deflect, or even catch Sakura’s fist without a second thought if he wanted to.
      It’s like how ChiChi somehow manages to threaten Goku with a rolling pin.

      • ;A; It’s still so wroonnng. Even if he let’s her, she should definitely know better. Especially since She’s So Mature.

    • Rachael A. Says:

      Um, okay. Huge fan of the Naruto series (not as much as I used to be, but hey).

      First of all, Sakura is NOT a damsel in distress – she is a fully capable kunoichi with a mastery of chakra control, skill in taijutsu, and astounding healing capabilities. The fact that she is rarely shown fighting is not a display of uselessness or helplessness, but rather a display of the tendency Masashi Kishimoto (the manga-ka) has for shoving the female characters in the background so the male leads can hog the spotlight. It’s truly, truly unfortunate, because Sakura is an amazing fighter of near (if not equal) caliber as Tsunade. Have you seen her fight against Sasori?

      Second – Naruto is a TRAINED NINJA. A few knocks to the skull aren’t gonna do a whole lot of damage, especially when considering it’s purely for humorous purposes. He’s defeated insanely powerful shinobi; if he wanted to defend himself from Sakura’s punches, he could do so with ease.

      Sakura is a very deep and strong character, and should never, EVER be compared with an atrocity such as Bella Swan. When something happens to Bella, she cries and whines and does NOTHING to help herself; she is vain and selfish and immature. Sakura was like that for the first two-or-three dozen chapters. However, when the Forest of Death came along and she was left as the only hope for keeping herself and her beloved comrades alive, she stepped up to the plate, cut her hair in a very symbolic manner (she valued it because she believed it made her beautiful, and that it would attract Sasuke, who she had enormous feelings for), and fought with all she had even though she was getting the shit beat out of her. From then on, she only got stronger and braver and more mature.

      Seriously. I see absolutely no similarities between Bella and Sakura. None at all. Also note that I haven’t said a single thing toward you or Sakura-haters – just your statements.

      • uhm… wow….

      • Uhm, wow, indeed.

        And yes, I did see the “pivotal” fight against Sasori–Sakura was used as a puppet by Chiyo, someone who was actually competent. At this point in the series, she was showing off some neat skills–which I would have cared about if she ever put them to any use. As you say, that just may be the mangaka’s fault since he can’t write a decent female.

        I never said he couldn’t defend himself, and even if Naruto’s trained, knocking him around as brutally as she does has no excuses. It’s a very twisted “comic relief” if you ask me. If she had matured at all, she would realize that hurting another person is wrong. It was much more frequent in the earlier part of the series and much more brutal in the latter part.

        Sakura cries and whines all the time, especially in Shippuuden. In the forest of death, it wasn’t her that was able to protect her companions in the end. It was Lee, then it was Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, and then it was Neji that interrupted it, and it ended with Sasuke. In the later part of the series, in spite of gaining many, MANY advantages over the other shinobi, Sakura remains unchanged. I worded my previous post strangely, so I apologize for that. I meant to say that the similarities ended with “both being complete damsels and devoted fangirls/50s housewives.” Sakura still needs to be saved, she still seems to be devoted to Sasuke [seems–it looks like something’s up in the latest chapters], and 50s housewives referring to waaay back in part one when Sasuke was still there.

        For her latest crying spells, see: 453:10-14; 458:15-17; 459:05-10.13.

        And, no. I see the same manipulation [“nonono they would never!”] and selfishness. Of course, they’re completely different otherwise, and not in a good way. And I’m not as immature as you apparently presume; thusly I’d hope you’d see the same in my reply.

        • Rachael A. Says:

          It was a combined effort between Chiyo and Sakura, though. Yes, Chiyo was controlling her movements most of the time, but that was only because she knew how to read a puppeteers hand and finger movements well enough to prevent serious harm from Sakura. But the superhuman strength, the antidote for an as-of-yet incurable poison, and some of the strategies throughout the fight (tricking him into thinking she was paralyzed with poison then destroying his puppet when he moved in for the kill, as an example) were all her. And just the fact that she let herself get stabbed with a poison tipped blade to protect Chiyo is pretty impressive.
          Also, to quote Chiyo: “In this small amount of time, [Sakura]’s already begun to see through Sasori’s attack pattern. So even without my assistance, she can do it.” Ch 270, pg 8

          I will agree that the violent humor is a bit crude and unreasonable, but I think the effect is supposed to be similar to that of the tough chick who always hits her guy-friends on the arm when they’re being particularly obnoxious, just, you know . . . with super-strength. The only other example of this that comes to mind at the moment is Lily Randel from “Radio Free Roscoe”, though I know it’s popular in fiction.

          In the forest of death, it wasn’t her that was able to protect her companions in the end.
          It’s not a matter of whether she was able to defeat her enemy, but more the fact that she actually took control of the situation and stood up for herself. There’s other instances where she puts herself in incredible danger to defend her friends, and I find that to be an admirable trait even if she ends up unconscious and bleeding at the end of it; it’s the fact that she stepped up to plate and gave it her all. Typically, damsels in distress don’t do much of anything to help themselves (or others) in those situations.

          Yes, she does cry. But not over every little thing – realizing that Sasuke, someone she has confessed to loving, has joined forces with an organization universally deemed as “evil” is a very emotionally jarring thing. Combined with her village being in ruins, her mentor being in a coma, and Sai coming up to her and basically saying, “Naruto loves you and it’s all your fault that’s he’s over-exerting himself and depressed”, I think I’d be pretty upset, too.

          Manipulation? Selfishness? Maybe in the beginning, but I don’t remember any recent events wher she was like that. Do you have any examples, off the top of your head?

          Sorry – I’ve been a few debates with people who hate Sakura before, and often times they claim Sakura fans stoop to degrading the people they debate with. I guess I flew off the handle a little. ^.^;;

          • . . . THANK YOU SO MUCH. I suppose this is what I find when I post my belligerent crap on a website meant to see underneathe the purple prose. You are the answer to my prayers–a Sakura fan that can argue reasonably without bringing up the “U SMELL FUNNY” arguements.

            Now, I need to clarify why I put “pivotal” in . . . quotes, previously. I, honestly, believed that I’d be seeing Sakura as a main character after the Pivotal Sasori Battle. It was Chiyo and Sakura’s own, later unseen skills, that might have defeated him [if you remember, Saso-pin seemed to have majorly screwed up]. No question, while she was way out of her league in the battle, she did great. Thing is, that’s her one and only great battle thus far. She’s virtually the same person as in part one, only super-powered and with more crying spells. Oh, and without Sasuke.

            I agree, actually. My problem [which, honestly, I need to learn to type out so my point isn’t left hanging in the air] is that she goes on and acts as if she’s better than anyone. [1] And what I mean by damsel [I see as all the kunoichi minues Tsunade as “damsels”] is . . . essentially, the stereotypical, coveniently weak, boy-crazy girl. I don’t believe I ever called her a damsel-in-distress.

            [1] This is a very . . . I don’t know if I’d call it subtle, but it’s seldom seen. There’s the time when Naruto came back and she immediately hit him for creating a perverted technique–she took it upon herself to punish Naruto because she “knows better,” yet you see things like the yaoi technique by Konohamaru that show her hypocrisy. There’s the time Sakura gloated about becoming a Chuunin to Naruto when he came back [grin, peace sign, SUCKER]. When Sai called her an ugly dog [and she hit both Sai and Naruto], she grinned and waited for her supposed friend, Ino, to get insulted by Sai. Worse yet, when Hinata defended Naruto and

          • [continued, I think I pushed Submit accidentally. XD] Worse yet, when Hinata defended Naruto and Sakura told her that she shouldn’t have done that. IT’S ONLY OKAY WHEN SHE DOES IT GOT IT [joking sarcasm]

            See, I’d normally excuse that sort of behavior, except that this is a cold-hearted world and you either get stronger or die. Sakura just cries. When she last confronted Sasuke with Sai and Yamato and Naruto, she was the only one not to defend Naruto when Sasuke was moving to apparently kill him. Afterwards, she was bawling and promised him that they’d get stronger together. And if she’s such an emotional creature, why wasn’t she there to comfort Narurto when Jiraiya died? Why is it always about her and her sadness? I’ve reread the entire series just paying attention to her. She’s done very little for Naruto and very little to express her care and concern for him. When the Kumonin asked about Sasuke, she just bawled. Being So Strong, she was knocked away with an apparent kick. She pseudo-comforted Naruto and then thought about her own sadness. She’s very, very self-centered.

            I could go on about her selfishness [let me know if you need any of these cited], but her manipulation, as I argued with other people defending her, is subtle and done unconsciously. She never asked Naruto to make the promise of a lifetime, but she could have easily told him, “No. This will be /our/ goal, not just your burden.” She let that engulf him because /she/ wants Sasuke back. She leads him on, as well. Once when before Sasuke left with Orochimaru [taking him on a “date” so they can talk about Sasuke or something related], and, as clearly as I can remember, the second time when Naruto came back and yelled at him that “fine,” but it was “his treat!”

            And I don’t think I addressed her violence. I’ve had male friends that were physically and emotionally abused by their girlfriends. I don’t find what Sakura is doing funny, but cruel. She regards herself as very mature and intelligent, yet she can’t find a different way to apprehend what she considers in Naruto to be questionable. She hits him, she chokes him, she continues to quiet him when he’s in the right.

            If you still can’t see that, and I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but try seeing Naruto and Sakura’s roles switched. If it was Naruto acting this way to Sakura, every sane person would hate him to the core.

            And, don’t worry about it. xD In my dA submission, I have had Sakuratards [as I call them, because they can’t offer solid evidence to back up their claims and choose to personally insult me Because That Makes Them Right] insult me in various ways. I did see that you weren’t that type of person, so. XD

            • Rachael A. Says:

              Haha. xD It’s nice to find an anti-Sakura who brings up sound arguments, too. Debates with intelligent people are a lot more enjoyable.

              I can agree that her status in the story didn’t change much after her battle with Sasori, though I don’t quite consider her to be the same as she was in Part One. The changes aren’t big, or astounding, but they’re there. For one thing, she’s not quite as harsh toward Naruto – at least, not in the ways she used to be. She values him as a close friend and respects him as a ninja, whereas before she considered him as an obnoxious idiot and incompetent. In addition, the disappearance of Inner-Sakura shows she no longer has inhibitions about expressing her true opinions, like she did in Part One. But, yes, I can agree that her role in the series hasn’t changed much – anything she does for the team tends to remain in the background, unfortunately.

              Yeah, I can agree that pretty much every female character in Naruto is made to be conveniently weak, though I have to disagree with boy-crazy. She loves Sasuke, and she was single-minded toward him in the beginning of the series. But as the story progressed and they all grew closer as a team and as friends, she learned to see him as more than just the hot guy and recognized that he had a lot of deep-rooted problems, and she began to care about him as a lot more than just her crush. Plus, she’s never been one to fawn over multiple guys at once or jump around from guy to guy. Her feeling for Sasuke have always been steady and stable, which shows a level of commitment I – personally – don’t really associate with boy-crazy.

              The thing with Sexy-jutsu versus the yaoi-jutsu: Sakura is revolted by the sexy-jutsu when it portrays a naked woman, but when it portrays a naked guy she drolls over it. Naruto is revolted when the sexy-jutsu portrays a naked guy, but he drools when it portrays a naked woman. He even gives Konohamaru a knock on the head for using the yaoi technique! (Ch 347 pg11). It’s kind of like complaining about music videos that have women dancing around in their underwear, but making no word of complaint when that same music video features a bunch of shirtless guys. Also, I don’t think she punishes him because she thinks she knows better, but because she thinks it’s a useless and disgusting technique. It’s not an unreasonable thing for her to take insult to.

              As for the Chuunin thing, keep in mind that Sakura has always been the weakest link on Team 7 and was never really taken seriously as a fighter. She was probably really proud of herself and wanted to gloat a little about finally catching up with Naruto and Sasuke (even surpassing them, in one sense).

              Sai has always been a bit of a jerk to her and Naruto, though mostly unintentionally, and she only hit Naruto because he was trying to keep her from attacking Sai (Ch311 pg12 last panel). It was a bit petty for her to hope her friend would be insulted in the same way (though, her and Ino do have a bit of a rivalry going on between them similar to Naruto and Sasuke at the beginning), but kind of understandable; she thinks her and Ino are equals in the sense of looks and thought it was only fair that Sai would insult her, too. Also, before that she tried to warn Ino about how “Sai acts different [from Sasuke] and he’s socially clueless” (Ch312 pg8), yet Ino continued to flirt with him.

              I didn’t really get a selfish vibe from Sakura with the Hinata thing – it just seemed like she was concerned for her, to me. After all, Pain is “The Strongest Ninja Ever” (knowing this series, we’ll discover somone who’s managed to surpass him soon xD), and Hinata was running into battle against him while already injured. It was a very dangerous thing to do, and Sakura – her friend – had every reason to be concerned.

              When she last confronted Sasuke with Sai and Yamato and Naruto, she was the only one not to defend Naruto when Sasuke was moving to apparently kill him. Afterwards, she was bawling
              She did try to go after Sasuke, but Yamato didn’t give her the chance – he jumped in front of her and took the oncoming blow himself. After that, Sasuke was invading Naruto’s mind with his Sharingan, then jumped back up to the cliff above them before disappearing with Orochimaru. She had one chance to go after him, and that chance was thwarted by Yamato interfering, not her refusing to go after Sasuke/protect Naruto. Also, she wasn’t “bawling” – she was crying, but she tried to hide it and sound strong by saying, “Crying isn’t going to bring Sasuke-kun back.” (Ch 310 pg5). Everyone was distraught over the situation, and Naruto was actually the one crying the hardest – it was a perfectly reasonable reaction to what had happened.

              When Jiraiya died, Sakura was there in Tsunade’s office when the news was broken to Naruto. However, he stormed off before anyone had a chance to really talk to him about it, and Tsunade told her to leave him alone for a little while. She wanted to go after him, but Tsunade told her not to. The only people who actually went to him to offer comfort were Iruka, and Shikamaru (and he only went to see Naruto for business reasons, initially).

              Sakura does a lot to show her concern and care for Naruto. She protects him in battle, she helps him when he’s injured, she admires/compliments his growing skills and maturity, she scolds him when he does reckless things that could get him killed out of genuine concern for his well-being. She cries over him when he’s injured, and shows a lot of distress when Sai reveals that he’s pushing himself so hard to bring back Sasuke partially for her sake. Yes, she’s a bit rough with him, but that’s in her nature and isn’t much different from how Tsunade often treats people she cares about.

              When the Kumonin asked about Sasuke, she just bawled.
              Okay, the thing with this situation: she just learned that Sasuke, the guy she has been in love with for years, has gone and joined a group of ninjas universally deemed as evil. That’s emotionally jarring on its own. Now there’s these foreign ninjas coming at them with claims of Sasuke killing another host and demanding info on him so they can hunt him down to get revenge. Then one of them asks, “God, you’re so annoying! What’s Sasuke to you, anyway?” (Ch 453 pg10). Note that “you’re annoying” is one of the last things Sasuke said to Sakura, and that the person asking a question such as that during an already emotional time would lead to a lot of confusion and distress. A breakdown, in my opinion, is a pretty reasonable reaction. I don’t really recall a moment when Naruto seemed in need of comfort – he stayed calm and rational through the entire ordeal.

              But she does tell him that it’s their goal – not at the very beginning when he first set out to bring Sasuke back, but at that point she was weak in comparison and would’ve been a burden to the team, and probably expected that Naruto and the others would be strong enough to bring him back. They didn’t have a clear idea of what they were up against, after all. When she learned that they weren’t able to bring him back, however, she became determined to improve herself and vowed that, “Next time, we’ll do it together!” (Ch 236 Pg17). She didn’t want it to be just Naruto’s burden, and she is upset to see him act as though it is.

              I don’t see that as leading him on. There was nothing about the first date that seemed at all romantic; she just used it as an excuse to be alone with him so she could tell him about Sasuke’s curse seal and that he might be planning on leaving the village. And the manner in which she agreed to the second date wasn’t one that seemed to indicate t was something that she wanted to do, and more of a “fine, if it’ll get you to stop bothering me”. If she was agreeing to go out with him and pretending to enjoy it to protect his feelings that’d be different, but the nature of their “dates” were far from that.

              I can agree that Sakura’s violent behaviour is a bit excessive, and that Kishi trying to use it for humour is in poor taste. I guess I’ve just kind of always downplayed that side of her personality in my head-canon for her.

          • XD Sorry about the late reply. School began for my region and other things.

            It’s even nicer that I’m not accused of being . . . what was it? Just profanities. XD It seems the Sakura fans I’ve encountered are worse than the Twitards, really. One said I’d go “batshit crazy” if someone wrote an Anti-essay about Hinata. I was like, “. . . Okay?”

            See, I would /love/ to read the Sakura you’re reading. I figured that she really considers him him Shippuuden, but the only evidence of that other than people /saying/ that she does. Telling and not showing is a major fallacy [remember Bella and her intelligence!]. If it helps, I really was looking for evidence of it. I suppose the only moments that may hint it were the too few times that Sakura was supportive and when she hugged Naruto after . . . hitting him over the head. Otherwise, there’s no evidence that can logically conclude that Sakura really considers him. I suppose that’s what we’re supposed to get out of the series, but I don’t see it. This isn’t the only series to do that; see Gundam SEED/Destiny.

            As for her opinions . . . well, that’s great, I guess. But she also has no qualms about hitting Naruto, which deeply disturbs me.

            I’m sorry. XD I suppose boy-crazy doesn’t mean what I think it means or it wasn’t the right phrase for this. [English is not my first language, you see] It’s pretty clear through the YAOI!Oiroke no Jutsu that Sakura does have an interest in Sai, although it isn’t akin to her “love” toward Sasuke. [I believe I counted less than ten times that they mutually interacted in the entire series …] As for Naruto and Sakura’s reactions, there’s a heap-load of hypocrisy, there. But my problem was when Sakura tried to brush it off and continue to act Holier-Than-Thou. It isn’t unreasonable, but it’s just another offense added to my list.

            As for the Sai thing, she really brought it upon herself. By calling Naruto “stupid” and “idiot” [verbally abusive and not a one-time thing. If Kishimoto knew what he was doing, then he would know Naruto would feel bad constantly] Sai would mimic her manner. She hit Naruto because he was accidentally in the way. And regardless of rivalry, Sakura should have been better about that, considering it is a friendship, albeit a strange one. Even if Ino continued to flirt with him, it doesn’t matter. The fact is Sakura was, apparently, hoping for her to get insulted. For what reason is unknown.

            I didn’t get the feeling of concern, seeing as they have no real relationship with each other. Considering she was looking sad and thinking, “Hinata . . . loves . . . Naruto,” I felt a selfish vibe in her telling Hinata that. Sure, she has every right to be concerned. Hinata is a comrade. But Sakura has never shown that sort of concern outside of her own team. As far as I can remember. XD

            I’m sold on this. XD I wouldn’t have minded it if she was ever shown doing something productive. And maybe it’s just me, but I would have tried harder to protect someone who was always there for me. That can also be excused with surprise in accordance with the situation.

            I saw no evidence of her wanting to go after Naruto. I saw her trying to scold him and I saw that she never went to visit him and then later never talked about it. Which is messed up.

            I do not see much protecting, I think I saw a few occasions with healing, not much admiration [not as important, really. I’d be much more impressed with respect]. She’s not a “bit” rough with him, though. Her violent nature overshadows anything else that could be there. It’s a pity because I really expected growth. I have a problem with Tsunade, too. XD

            Personally, I saw no real reason for her to suddenly bawl–er, cry? In front of foreign ninja. It wasn’t the time. And it’s not really just that Naruto never apparently needs comfort. The way he takes the burden and talks about it is enough of a red-flag. Even if she didn’t want it to just be Naruto’s burden, she’s relying on him for it. Bad characterization. Bad, bad, bad.

            I do. Sure, the nature may not have been date-like, but the fact that she calls it a “date” or accepts it as one would confuse a well-written character. It sends mixed messages. And just going to shut him up is even worse …

            XD I would, too, except that it was a disturbingly large part of her character. There are many sites on men experiencing many types of abuse by their significant other. Seeing as am friends with two good men who have gone through this experience, I took it much more seriously.

  64. If we’re all stuck for things to do, why not make a Facebook group where we can safely vent our frustration at this literary absurdity? An anti-Twilight group explaining why the book is actually BAD, linking YouTube gems and sites such as this outlining the numerous flaws and terrifying hints towards domestic abuse?

    There’s only one group on there that I could find, and “Twilight sucks!!!” doesn’t really cover it for me.

    “for all the people that think the twilight series is garbage!
    join! This group is for all people that tried to improve the writing in twilight but got totally bitchedd at for it”

    Anyone up for making something a little more intelligent?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      “A group for those who have read Twilight and found numerous issues with character development, presentation, underlying messages, and the like.”

      Though I never really use my facebook…

  65. Long time reader here. I just found this video on youtube that I think people here will enjoy…. not sure if it’s been linked yet or not, but w/e it can’t hurt to post ^_^

    ….and then Buffy staked Edward.

    The end.

    • I… can’t watch that. It’s painfull.
      I had to stop before it was even a minute in…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it through all six minutes…
      And with that realization I don’t think I could make it through all of Twilight…unless it was the Rifftrax version.

  66. fingoforever Says:

    I’m just throwing this out there, I was wondering if anyone in the Nashville area would be interested in a rifftrax party. I could potentially host but I live way the hell out in the middle of nowhere about an hour from the city itself so my location is not ideal but I would be more than happy to help get a party together for interested participants.
    Also, just for sh*ts and g*ggles, if anyone in the Nashville area is up for going to see the New Moon when it comes out (not the opening weekend, I’d rather eat rusty thumb tacks with pickles and mustard than brave the horrors of opening weekend) but sometime around then so we can go and guffaw at totes inappropriate moments and have a totes good time. I enjoyed seeing the first movie in the theater because it amused the hell out of me for all the wrong reasons. I’m probably inviting a lot of flames for this particular invite but I see almost every blockbuster movie that comes out for I do so love cinema and being “in the know” but I don’t want to drag my boyfriend to it (he was not so amused as I was. I think he actually fell asleep) and don’t want to go alone.
    Just throwing it out there. If anyone is interested I’ll put up my facebook info or start my own group or something.

    • hey! i’m moving to nashville (well chattanooga first, then to nashville by the end of october i hope) to live with my best friend who also hates twilight..we’d totally be down for a rifftrax party!
      you can email me here with info: masaki.ouji@gmail.com
      :)

  67. woah almost 400 comments. We really do miss you Rachel. Glad to know you’re well though. :)

  68. Snape's Mistress Says:

    So, my boss just linked me to your site. And I have to say a.) new favorite site, next to twilight_sucks @ livejournal, b.) holy shit, I effing LOVE you, c.) I too have read all four wastes of trees with text one them so that when I go to work at Borders, I can recommend anything BUT this piece of shit series. So, I feel your pain as you continue on your mission. I too took notes at one point for “Breaking Dawn”, and, should I be able to find them, would love to share and compare if you were down?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Nooooo! That person did a twi meme before me! …That oughta teach me to procrastinate… Also, the meme I’m doing is different.

  69. Why is it that whenever I find anything like this on the internet it stops getting uptaded?? *sigh*

    Anyway, these are hilarious, Thank you!

  70. where is Rachel? did the twis get her? Please come back soon.

  71. So, I found a link to this from another persons journal of their journey through twilight. All I have to say is WHY??

    http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/38199832.html

    • Sorry about the double post, my internet was being weird and I didn’t think it posted, then it showed up in a weird place

  72. Found this on another site where someone is trying to forge their way through twilight. All I can say is WHY? unless they’re going to get into all the absurd stuff, the endangered animals, the domestic violence, etc

    http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/38199832.html

  73. Elemenohpea Says:

    sonofa….
    Does this news break anyone else’s heart?
    http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/38645682.html
    The glowing review they give the series is causing me pain.

    • I am offended! I used to like them. They were a good band. What is this world coming to? It wouldn’t even bother me that they had music on New Moon’s soundtrack, but the fact that they’re saying stuff like this, “We are very excited to be a part of this amazing series of novels set in our own backyard… and we are proud to be a part of the Twilight legacy.” Unforgivable.

      • Elemenohpea Says:

        That was the thing that got me too. Fair enough if they just had their music on there (sure, I am not going to be looking forward to beating back the many Twitards that flock to future concerts, but I can make my peace with it), but it was the way they praised the series that threw me. : (

        • It amuses me. My Chemical Romance – whom everyone seems to love to hate – flatly refused to have their music associated with the atrocity.

          Makes me proud.

          I am sorry for everyone who likes Death Cab for Cutie though :-(

  74. why is there only one pack of werewolves if they’re immortal?

  75. I think I first came across your blog via a link on Twitter.. I totally loved your site posts and want to read more! Are you on Twitter? We should connect.

  76. Dear Friends, Happy Valentines Day!!!

  77. over a year later – i’d like to make a bitter joke about how Bella freaks about turning 20.

    i turned 30. and had to have FIVE hip surgeries, use a cane, a walker, and now a wheelchair. because i turned 30*

    so, her selfish bitchy self-centeredness aside, i can ALMOST see her point.

    * it really WAS because of age – it appears that i was born with hip displaysia, a thing that needs to be surgically corrected. most have it corrected before they learn to walk – i, on the other hand, have 30 years worth of USELESS doctors who insisted, over and over and over again, that “the pain was all in my head”, and i’m DAMNED lucky i didn’t end up even WORSE off, and damned lucky that i made it to 30 being able to WALK AT ALL! the amount of functionality i still had [or, rather, the amount that i could do *despite* the pain] amazed my surgeon.
    so, yeah – i get the fear of getting “old”, even if i DO think 20 is extreme :)

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