Chapter Five

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?