Archive for can we just cuddle

Chapter Eight

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Oh snap, time for a recap. How was all my American readship’s Labor Day weekend? And a shout-out to my readers in southern British Columbia–how many of y’all crossed the border to shop in Target? Don’t lie to me I know you did.

Edward creep-o-meter: Shrinking back down to a five.

Good Lord.

Bella and Jacob slouch about the res. She asks about the latest pack gossip.

I’ll give you a moment to steel yourselves.

Jacob is reluctant to share, but eventually admits that one of the Quilbry has Impressed–er, imprinted on someone. Emily had two nieces visiting and Quil um, took a liking to Claire.

Why is this so weird?

Claire is two years old.

Even Bella, head-trauma Bella, scream and faint Bella, blatant violator of helmet laws Bella, falls-in-love-with-psychopaths Bella, Bella has the good sense to see that this is, well, illegal.

“But she’s a baby,” I protested.

He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”

Dude you are talking about a two-year-old ugh ugh ugh oh my God there is not enough bleach for my bath water to get the dirt off

Jacob accuses Bella of being judgmental (!) and insists that it won’t be sexual until Claire is legal breeding stock. Until then Quil will just be “the best, kindest big brother” ever.

So, essentially, Quil is just waiting for the toddler to ripen. God damn you, Stephenie.

Bella, stupidly, asks when Jacob will impress, and he’s all “NEVER pout pout pout.” God, this girl is dumb. Coincidentally, that would be an interesting turn of events, in a soul-mate-enabled-world–if your soul mate is madly in love with a terrifying, sociopathic monster, and you know she’s the only one for you but you can never have her. I sort of empathize with Jake here. Um, aside from him blowing off the pedophilia aaauugh God

They ride bikes. They go back to his place. They have a soda and they bond.  Jake asks if Bella was serious about that whole “becoming undead” thing, and she affirms. Oh, no, but is this goodbye, not-boyfriend? Sniffle tear.

“Why? We still have a few years. Can’t we be friends until we’re out of time?”

“Years? No, Jake, not years.” I shook my heard, and laughed once without humor. “Weeks is more accurate.”

Jacob flips out.

There’s a couple of paragraphs of him quivering, blurring, spilling soda, clenching teeth, etc, and I’m hoping for some really awesome, honest-to-God action here, but… he calms himself down. Damn. Okay. Well, on the bright side, this means there’s not a single stupid thing for Edward to worry about and he’s still a smothering jackass.

Jacob insists he’d rather Bella were dead than, you know, one of Satan’s army. This is like SO MEAN and stuff so she leaves, for like, EVER!

Instead of riding her bike back home, safe from her jailers, she rides back to Chez Cullen. What the hell? She is all “DON’T WANNA TALK MMMMOOOOPPPPPE” and stalks off to Edward’s room, to defiantly sleep on his couch.

She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials. Of course, now that he’s here, and so wonderful and perfect and dazzling, she forgets to be angrier than grizzly bears or whatever stupid thing she threatened earlier.

They make out. Uh. No, wait, yeah! This is actual making out! He wraps one of her legs around him, they roll around on the bed. It’s actually kind of hot, aside from the fact that he’s cold and dead (ew).

I guess the “no tongue-kissing” rule is off.

Bella actually asks this, all “oh did you change your mind about withholding sex from me?” He basically tells her “don’t be silly, I would never have sex with you, I just wanted to be a gigantic tease.” Well, okay, actually he says “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

Don’t get carried away.

That’s the sound of my face hitting my desk repeatedly.

They talk about sex for a full page, without ever actually mentioning it. Yes, just like the first and last time they discussed it in Twilight, this is a page full of eyebrow-wiggling, elbow-nudging, and bush-skirting. In more ways than one.

Edward extricates himself from the naughty dirty “sex” situation (he might be forced to admit that he has no interest in vaginas), by apologizing for… wait.

No, this… really? I can’t believe it. He apologizes for being a smothering jackass. He is now 100% okay with her having friends. This confuses and somehow infuriates me.  We get this chapter where all in one, a. Jacob is a “jerk”, b. Edward is suddenly caring and supportive. What gives?

Bella confesses that Jacob said he’d rather see her dead than as an abhorrent creature of evil. Edward apologizes, and offers to kill him. I’m not even joking. He’s all “oh well I can slip up in my self-control a little bit and kill him for you, if you really want.” Her response is to go “Oh, you!” and try to have sex with him again.

This is just twisted.

Let’s see, she propositions Edward  for sex for the third time of the night, he declines once again (because he is a homoseI mean gentleman), and she asks him about the pretty vampires he had absolutely no interest in while he was visiting Alaska (because he is homoseI mean very particular about women). He reassures her that nothing happened, he never nailed any of them, and Tanya was merely stupefyingly beautiful. Not at all like his perfect, pale, clumsy, whiny, empty-headed, teary-eyed little Bella. Tanya probably had too much of a free will and identity for him.

He sings her to sleep. Because he is the perfect man and not at all boring and we should all aspire to fall in love with a creep just like him.

I love the satisfying sound this book makes when I slam it shut in total contempt.

Chapter Five

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?

Chapter Two

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Edward creep-o-meter: 9

I went to the Significant Other’s folk’s place for our American Independence Day Food and Explosions Extravaganza, wearing my “And Then Buffy Staked Edward, The End” shirt. It turns out that Mikael’s aunt and cousin both feel exactly the same way we here at House Vampirely do. Getting into a very passionate discussion with two accomplished readers/writers from the family was exhilarating. We also got to bore the living daylights out of Mikael and his father.

The perils of living with a woman who has made a career of hating Twilight.

Chapter two is ratcheting up the creepy. And by the end of this recap, you’ll know why.

Bella goes to school. We, of course, want to hear all about this, and how she spends her time with the most perfect person on the planet (her exact words, not mine in the least). Everybody is panicking about this being their last year at high school, except for Alice and Edward. Good Lord, who knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids. Given that Edward has “done the Dartmouth route” already, I’m not even really sure why he’s bothering with high school at this point. Wait, did I cover this already? I think this book is actively making me stupider.

Angela, her boyfriend B… uh, Bill… no… Ben! Right, another mortal we don’t care about. Angela, her boyfriend Ben, Alice, Edward, and Bella have lunch. They talk about senioritis. Bella mentions she’s free of grounding now. Angela and her should totally hang. Alice wants to party in another country. It’s wacky, completely enthralling hijinx all around.

Alice starts to have a vision in the middle of a conversation. The fact that Alice just completely checks out for minutes at a time doesn’t seem to bother the mortals in the least. Alice just says she was “daydreaming,” and she and Edward discuss things telepathically, without filling Bella in.

Bella enters Supreme Paranoia Mode.

Edward seems to avoid alone time with her for the rest of the day, clearly to avoid her questions. Wait. I’m not sure if I’m even being sarcastic anymore. On the one hand, Bella has to make it all about her, and on the other, Edward is a controlling asshole and I wouldn’t put it past him. He even goes so far as to strike up a conversation with Mike “Nothing Wrong With Him” Newton to avoid conversation with Bella. A conversation about cars. Hmm. That’s not suspicious at all.

I love when relationships are based on subterfuge and evasion.

Alice starts talking a mile a minute about how Edward shouldn’t have offered his services to Mike as a mechanic. Apparently, Ed is just not that good of a mechanic. I nearly dropped the book at this point. Something Edward is not absolutely perfect at? This can’t be possible.

“[…] Though I suppose, for Mike’s car, you’ll do. It’s only within the finer tunings of a good Italian sports car that you’re out of your depth.”

Oh, so… okay, it’s not actually a flaw at all. Edward is still better than the average person at auto mechanics.

Sigh.

Alice and Edward continue to have Silent Mind-Bullet Conversations, leaving Bella completely out of the loop. She spends two paragraphs waiting, hoping, and internally whining over Edward not telling her what’s going on–completely missing the fact that she could solve this very readily by just saying “What was Alice’s vision, why are you guys hiding it from me?”

Bella continues to stress and fret and not just ask what’s wrong. Edward continues trying to distract her by making out a little, and talking about random boring things that don’t matter. P.S. kissing Edward is still like making out with a marble statue. That’s hotttt with like a million Ts.

Bella gets an e-mail from her mother. We are treated to a page of Bella narrating how she’s had to take care of her own mother all her life. This is to prove how intelligent and mature she is. In a well-written character, it would also explain why she is so desperate to find someone (like Edward) to control her own life. But we’re not reading about well-written characters, are we?

This is a segue into the inevitable discussion of marriage again. I still do not get how I can be treated to two, 500-page books about how true their love is and how mated their souls are and how other-halvey Edward is, and be forced to swallow the horse crap that is Bella’s new fear of commitment. It’s completely out-of-character–and for someone with no character, that’s saying a lot.

Mom, apparently, got married right out of high school and immediately had a kid. So now she pressures Bella to go to college and wait until she’s “older” to even THINK about marriage. Don’t do what I did! Is this hypocrisy, or trying to live vicariously through your daughter? Neither, because Renée is Bella’s sweet and scatterbrained mother, and we are not allowed to find fault with people that Bella likes.

She has to write something about Jacob in her email. And then she realizes that Edward is standing over her shoulder. Oh but he’s totally not reading her write this email. That would be controlling. He’s actually staring at something in her closet. Sure.

Edward produces the two plane tickets to Florida Bella got for her birthday in the last book. Apparently they’re about to expire, and Edward is, inconceivably, all about going to Florida. Trying to get Bella out of town, are we? Of course, Bella can’t see through this at all. She’s just worried that Charlie is going to throw a fit. And you know he will.

I sighed. “Not this weekend.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to fight with Charlie. Not so soon after he’s forgiven me.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “I think this weekend is perfect.”

I’m just positive he’s not going to try to undermine her decision to not go. He’s very respectful of her wants and wishes–so long as they’re in line with his. Otherwise, it’s Seduce Bella Until She Changes Her Mind time again!

I shook my head. “Another time.”

“You aren’t the only one who’s been trapped in this house, you know.” He frowned at me.

Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.

I laughed out-loud at this part. Edward, selfless? Right, stealing your crap in the last book and leaving you heartbroken was for your own good. Bullying or tricking you into doing things his way is because he’s protecting you.

Also, why the hell is he giving her lip for him being trapped in the house? Did Carlisle ground him to Bella’s bedroom, too?

Bella finally, finally gets around to asking what Alice had seen. It was something to do with Jasper going down south to see the family. Oh. Well. That’s… not at all what Bella or I was expecting. Bella is now chiding herself for being paranoid and assuming the worst. It’s all her fault! It’s not like Edward tried to avoid the subject and still seems to be keeping things from her. No no, she’s the one who needs therapy.

Bella makes Charlie a special dinner to keep him in a good mood with Edward there. Oh my God this is so “beaten housewife” I can hardly stand it. Charlie makes a comment about the Blacks inviting everyone down for some sports party. Bella wonders if Edward will get upset that Charlie is going to be hanging out with werewolves. We all know this is not the case, because Edward has no interest in controlling Charlie.

Edward and Bella get to washing dishes.

“Charlie,” Edward said in a conversational tone.

Charlie stopped in the middle of his little kitchen. “Yeah?”

“Did Bella ever tell you that my parents gave her airplane tickets on her last birthday, so that she could visit Renée?”

Annnnd Edward completely undermines Bella. Are you surprised? Cause I’m freaking surprised.

Charlie seems okay with Bella going to visit her mother, until Edward mentions that he’d be going, too. Charlie shouts, stomps, and does everything but flip a table. (Also, I see my first use of the word “chagrin.” I’ve heard that the misuse of this word gets a little ridiculous, so I’m going to keep track!) Charlie attempts to ground Bella again for… uh, well, nothing at all, actually, and she calls him on it. By threatening to move out.

It’s battle of the nut-jobs!

Bella seems to like this new tactic of “say something shocking and terrible, then immediately follow up with something manipulative and seemingly reasonable.” She drops the “well, when do you want me to move out” card, then, when Charlie’s face turns purple, she sighs and does the whole “Look I’m trying to be reasonable but you can’t just order me around because I’m an adult and I can manipulate you like a pro now.”

Charlie eventually relents. Because he’s a pushover. A big, yelling, gun-toting pushover. She escapes to go to the Cullen Manor.

In the car, Edward insists that Bella has been talking about her mother in her sleep. Worrying about her and such. Bella is surprised at this. I’m just positive Edward isn’t lying in further attempt to get her out of town. But it’s okay if he does it, because he loves her. When she asks him why he had to go and make Charlie mad after she (very reasonably) said she’d have to wait until later, he says this:

“But, clearly, you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf.”

There’s that sweet caring boyfriend we know and love, belittling her so she remembers that she is only so much human chaff, and is, quite frankly, lucky to have such a wonderful perfect guy to hold her hand everywhere she goes.

She asks if this has anything to do with the party at the Black’s place, and he says “Not at all. It wouldn’t matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn’t be going.” Yikes. Bella, miraculously, compares this to how Charlie was talking to her earlier. But she just doesn’t want to fight with Edward :(((

When Bella comes back, sans Edward, Charlie attempts to have The Sex Talk with her. Dad, seriously, the only time sex was even mentioned (and even then, through innuendo and eyebrow-waggling) was in chapter fourteen of Twilight. You have nothing to worry about.

That epic little lols-fest done with, Bella realizes she’s got an hour before Edward will come back to her room. This is just enough time to sneak down to La Push and actually see Jacob.

She is sneaking to La Push to see her friend. She has to sneak to avoid her boyfriend’s wrath. Why do Twilight fans not see the problem with this?

Bella tells Charlie where she’s going, and goes out to her truck, looking over her shoulder the whole way. She puts the key in the ignition, turns it… and nothing happens.

It is at this point that she realizes Edward is sitting next to her in the cab, turning a piece of her engine over and over in his hands.

While he turns this big piece of metal over in his hands in a gesture that isn’t a stretch to describe as threatening, he explains that Alice had a vision wherein Bella’s future disappeared. Naturally, this is because she’s going to go hang out with werewolves.

“Because she can’t see the wolves, you know,” he explained in the same low murmur. “Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs, you disappear, too. You couldn’t know that part, I realize that. But can you understand why that might make me a little… anxious?”

This is not the dialogue of a loving, caring man, who is “anxious” for his lover.

This is the dialogue of a sociopathic creep.

I would expect this in a psychological thriller, in a suspense or mystery novel, something. I would expect this from a sinister person.

But I am expected to believe that this is from the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I am more than a little frightened right now.

He continues to twirl a piece of her truck in his hands, murmuring idly about the nature of werewolves. If I were Bella, I would have started screaming for help at this point, because in not too many novels that engine piece would have ended up embedded in her skull at some point.

“I’ll put your car back together in time for school, in case you’d like to drive yourself,” he assured me after a minute.

Oh well that’s kind of him.

With my lips mashed together, I retrieved my keys and stiffly climbed out of the truck.

“Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand,” he whispered, just before I slammed the door.

Whispering it like that means that he won’t understand, and will hold it against her for later. When he can disable her truck and break a leg or two. To protect her, of course.

Bella slams the door to the house and stomps upstairs. She shouts down to Charlie that her truck won’t start. He offers the use of his police cruiser, which is not in accordance with the law, so she declines.

When she gets to her room, she slams the window shut so hard the glass shakes.

Then, five minutes later, she sighs, gets back up and opens it again.

I have no. Freaking. Words. For this.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let me just say that this chapter reminded me of why I missed Edward.

Bella wakes up, and Edward is still there. She believes she is hallucinating him, or that she has died and somehow Edward is in Heaven? I honestly have no idea. She finally gets herself together long enough to ask what time it is and how long she was sleeping. It’s one in the morning, she was asleep for 14 hours.

So they arrived in Forks at nine in the morning? Then they landed in Sea-Tac at about the same time the sun was rising. Oh I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers.

Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned Edward from the house, on account of Bella going missing for three days… which is probably the only smart thing Charlie has done in almost 1,000 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he pick now to act like her father? I just did the math, btw, and she was gone for two days. But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.

They make small talk, because of course that’s what you do after you rescue your ex-boyfriend from his own suicide. Edward has been tracking Victoria, actually, which leads him into this huge apology about how he should have been paying attention to Victoria’s thoughts that one  day back when they played baseball, because then he’d see that she and James were mates and that obviously she’d want to kill Bella too.

Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing.

Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.

Edward, in a patronizing sort of way (because this is Edward we’re talking about) asks if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.

“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“So what if I was dead?”

That’s what I’m saying!

Edward takes this moment again to insult her (“Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”). Uh, yeah, Ed, we all do. “I don’t want you. I’m tired of being human. Yadda yadda.” How could we possibly freaking forget after the 500 pages of hole-talk.

So Edward finally owns up and admit that he was lying when he said all that. SHOCK!! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he’d never get rid of her, and she’d never understand that he was dumping her to protect her, so he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course.

Then things get… well, as messed up as only Edward can make it.

“I lied, and I’m so sorry–sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.

“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault.

God, Edward, I missed you.

He shakes her some, and says “Bella, really, what were you thinking?” and she starts crying.

Good God all the Twitards were right, this really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her.

I will never find true love like this!

Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out.

Oh, the Volturi come back up. Here we go! Edward insists that the Volturi are not a problem, because we count years like they count seconds, and they probably won’t remember Bella before she turns thirty.

Bella flips the hell out. THIRTY?! BUT… BUT THAT’S SO OLD!! Not even joking, guys, look:

“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay? But let me get all old anyway? Right.”

Thirty–It’s All Old.

“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.

He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

“That is seriously…” I looked for the right word. “Sick.”

Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick.

Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Ugh, God, where  was I.

Oh, twenty-two. This should be easy.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are escorted to the lobby, and instructed not to leave until night. No idea why. We’ve managed to avoid sparkles thus far. Bella starts to sob (BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN), and Edward has to calm her down (BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.) Gianna, the mortal at the desk, asks if they need anything, and then goes back to ignoring them. Bella asks if she actually knows what’s going on here, and Edward says she does, she’s hoping that they decide to not eat her in the end and turn her to vampirism. Bella is shocked, simply shocked, that a woman could ever possibly want a vampire. Ed kind of gives her a look, but apparently Bella is immune to irony.

She cries some more because Edward’s here~~! and they spend some indeterminate amount of time touching each other until the sun sets. Bella convinces herself that Edward doesn’t want her and is just pretending, because she is as sharp as a wet rag. Eventually a vampire comes out and tells them they’re free to leave now–probably to get all the canoodling out of his office. They get outside, Alice steals yet another car (because stealing from people isn’t against the vampire moral code), and they drive to the airport.

Cue thrilling airplane action. Bella gets a coke to try to stay awake, and Edward disapproves out-loud, because he knows she has a weakness for caffeine. Uh, since when is it not okay for 18-year-olds to drink coke? Oh right. Morrrrrmonnnnnn.

So Bella chugs caffeine to stay awake so she can continue to gaze lovingly at Edward. No, she never asks him what the hell that was all about. Never tries to talk about how he just tried to kill himself. They just pet each other’s faces and gaze.

All of the vampires are waiting for them in Sea-Tac. If I weren’t already bored out of my mind I would do the 20 minutes on Google thing to find out if they arrived during the day. I know Stephenie hasn’t been to Sea-Tac, so she probably doesn’t know that there are huge windows all over the place in this airport. But whatev. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them. Rosalie is all repentant and crap, and Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying. This is actually why I like Rosalie to begin with (FINALLY a character that is not Super Powerful on the Side of Good), but she dismantles all of that by apologizing to Bella. I’m not sure why. What exactly did she do to Bella? Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake?

They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.

WOOOEEEEE that was exciting stuff.

Chapter Twenty-One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.

Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.

They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?

They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.

They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.

Then, Aro appears.

Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.

Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.

Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.

Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.

“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.

Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Caius: Whatever.

Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.

Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”

Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.

I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.

Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?

Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.

Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!

Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…

Nothing happens.

Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?

Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?

Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.

Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.

Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.

Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.

Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.

They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.

…Okay, I have a question.

Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?

Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.

Chapter Nine

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

God, how did I get so bleeding far ahead? I’m on chapter 18 in my actual reading. I have to find something else to do on my afternoon break.

Okay, chapter nine, let’s see… oh right, this one.

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

Ow that hurts. Lost moon? Seriously? Are we that unabashedly codependent?

It’s okay, because Bella has Jacob to distract her from all her terrible, horrible problems. Or just the one. Which isn’t even a problem. She’s still too stupid to realize that the Cullens have done her a favor.

Jacob gives Bella a box of candy hearts for Valentine’s Day, and jokes about her being his valentine and slave for life. Oh, but Bella knows he isn’t joking, she knows, and tries ever so hard to think of a way to reestablish their boundaries. She does this by saying she can’t bike on Friday, she’s got to go to a movie with her “friends.” When Jacob’s face falls, she reneges on her steadfast ironclad strong-willed indomitable determination to Just Be Friends, and invites him too.

I’m not sure how she didn’t “accidentally” end up with more boyfriends this way.

Random mortal friend #27: Who’s that guy you’re with, Bella? New boyfriend?
Bella: Oh, no, he just thinks he is.
Random mortal friend #27: Uh. Are you going to tell him he’s not your boyfriend?
Bella: Well I tried! I told him he was too young. But then sort of called him beautiful, shared an overlong hug, and invited him to a movie.

It hurts to know that people like this actually exist.

So Bella invites Mike to a movie, since it looks like she lied about the movie thing to begin with. Lying seems just about as easy as breathing to her. Mike starts to get the Wrong Idea so she quickly orders him to invite everyone else they know, too. Poor Mike. He needs to kill himself or be an injun or something to get this girl’s attention.

Well, as luck would have it, everybody either cancels because they don’t like Bella, or they’re sick with some flu. So it’s just Bella, Jacob, and Mike. Oh, this couldn’t possibly get awkward.

“I remember this guy,” he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. “The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?”

Bella: Gee, Jacob, are we talking about Eric, Tyler, Mike, or Edward?

The boys posture needlessly at each other and play “Bella likes me more” for the whole day. Bella has to sneak Jacob into the theater, because he’s ~*so much younger*~ than her. They sit on either side of her and subtly try to hold her hands. Then suddenly Mike gets sick and they go home. Woooo! I think the Golf Channel is probably more exciting than this.

Jacob and Bella wait in the lobby while Mike ralphs in the bathroom. Jacob puts an arm around her, and she protests, leaning away from him. So, he grabs her hand, and asks if she likes him better than Mike, or any of the other guys she knows. Ah, very mature.

“But that’s all,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

It was hard to answer, to say the word. Would he get hurt and avoid me? How would I stand that?

Uh, I don’t know, like an adult? Oh, I have an idea, why don’t you keep lying and pretending like he’s your boyfriend, so he doesn’t get hurt! I’m sure that’ll work out super for both of you in the end.

Jacob insists he’s okay with her just liking him as a friend. He asks if it’s still “the other one,” and quickly adds that she doesn’t have to talk about it. Good, I really don’t know if I can stand more of this melodrama.

Anyway, they finally address the issue of Jacob liking her more than she likes him, and he insists that isn’t something that bothers him, as long as she’s okay. When Mike finally stumbles out of the bathroom, they drive home. Jacob is burning up now too, but swears he feels fine. Bella immediately assumes the flu, but we know what it is–werewolf puberty.

Bella angsts some about how she’s damaged, empty, broken, wasted, etc., and that Jacob is wasting his time. Booooohoohoo. She justifies her need to use him as a crutch, though. Yet again, we are shown that Bella is more than capable of doing stupid, horrible things (taking cold medicine to sleep, insulting her father, using Jacob), but we are treated to a dissertation on how she would normally never, ever do this. Someone is in denial about their perfect little Mary Sue.

Jacob decides that maybe he is feeling ill, and excuses himself out.

“It’s just that, I know how you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down–I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”

This paragraph made me love Jacob. Edward never did or said anything like this–all he’s ever done is hurt Bella, and then Smeyer shoves in our faces how he really only did it because he loves her. Jacob is a good kid. He actually seems to care about Bella and want her to flourish, have fun, live life, unlike Edward’s whole tepid “no if i made u a vmapire u would miss prom” BS.

However, the fact that later Jacob is just as abusive and manipulative as Edward makes me hate Smeyer even more.

Jacob leaves, promising to call when he gets home. Bella goes inside, wishing Jacob were just her brother. Fun fact, did you know Stephenie’s brother is named Jacob? Self-insertion characters indeed. Bella waits by the phone, but Jacob never calls. When she calls back, it takes eight rings for Billy to pick up and say “Oh, uh, yeah, he’s too ‘sick’ to call. Right, ‘sick.’ No no no, don’t come over here, just stay at your wolf-free home. Uh huh. Yeah. Bye.”

So Bella throws up some (the flu, not the melodrama, this time), and passes out on the bathroom floor. She spends the whole day there sleeping on a towel.

Charlie claimed that he had to work, but I suspected that he just wanted access to a bathroom.

Chica, your father sucks.

So Bella gets better 24 hours later, which is a real drag, because I was really getting into that riveting throwing-up action. Do you guys see why it was hard for me to muster the strength to even recap this? Bella finally gets a hold of Jacob, who still sounds like crap. It’s the werewolf. Flu. Werewolf flu. He’s totally not a werewolf!

And so he hangs up.

Uh, end of chapter.

Wow, I am so wasting my time with this book.