Archive for bella needs medication

Chapter Five

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

As a matter of fact, I did take a week-long vacation without telling anybody! It’s kind of you to inquire!

Edward creep-o-meter: Edward isn’t even in this chapter, again, but I still feel compelled to keep the douchebag at a hearty 6.

After the exhilarating freak-fest that was Chapter Four, we now find ourselves staring, wearily, upon Chapter Five. Which starts off where we left off in Jacob and Bella’s conversation.

That’s right! Chapter Four was so full of hot, intense, conversational action, that Smeyer felt the need to make it more than one chapter.

In this chapter, we learn more about werewolves. Because apparently there is a lot more to it than just “sometimes? I turn into a wolf? and then bite things? and it’s super awesome?”

Sam Uley, as we have heard previously, was the first werewolf to “phase” (not change, shift, morph, or furrify, phase), so he had no idea what was going on. The first time he changed, he was missing for a week, he was so freaked out. Oh, don’t worry, they called the cops and stuff. When he came back and wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, they all figured it was just a phase or something. Whatever.

Sam was dating Leah Clearwater at the time, who we really haven’t heard anything about before this, but now that we know she was dating a man she is suddenly important. When Sam hit werewolf puberty, he couldn’t tell Leah what was happening, because uhhhh well because some old people told him not to. The elders of the tribe were all “stop dating mortals” and “don’t tell anyone you’re a bitchin’ werewolf.” I’m not sure how this stopped Sam. But, whatever. He didn’t tell Leah he could turn into a werewolf.

It is here we have an aside where Jacob drops the fact that he isn’t aging. Yes, another werewolf power. As long as he keeps turning into a wolf, he won’t age. But wait, you say, doesn’t that mean he’ll be stuck at 16 forever? Why, no! Conveniently enough, the first time you change into a werewolf, you reach “full growth” in just a few months. So technically Jacob is 24 or 25 now.

Conveniently enough.

Jacob tells Bella this, and she throws a blasted fit.

“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”

It’s aaallllllll about you, sweetie. Never mind that Edward has to repeat high school every 15 years, or that Jacob is physically 25 but still can’t buy a drink for five more years. It’s all about poor Bella.

She finally calms the crap down and we get back to our story.

As luck would have it, Leah’s cousin Emily came visiting from another res and Sam imprinted on her. This is the first time we’ve heard about imprinting actually in writing, but most of us have heard of it by now thanks to everyone trying to squick out the newbs with Breaking Dawn spoilers. Imprinting, for those of you who have avoided it so far, is finding your soul mate and becoming massively codependent on them. It’s love at first sight and soooo romantic. Despite the fact that Sam loves Leah and they are trying to make it work, the first time he sees Emily he falls madly in love with her and dumps Leah’s ass for her cousin.

Awkward.

Emily was mad at Sam in the beginning, because she and Leah had been close, and Sam just broke her heart. But, as Jacob puts it, “it’s hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.” Right. Jerkface breaks my sister’s heart because suddenly he’s madly in love with me. Yeah, I would probably never give him the time of day? But Emily is a model woman so we’re supposed to love her for being devoted and forgiving (to men).

Also, at this point, Sam can tell Emily everything, because “there are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.” Riiight.

And, hey, guys, remember when Sam mauled Emily horribly? That was fantastic. We get another recap of that. He felt weawwy weawwy baaad you guys, so don’t think of him as an abusive shmuck with a violent temper. It’s not his fault she made him angry.

Meanwhile, Leah gets the shaft, and is forced to be a bridesmaid to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Awwwkward.

Jacob quickly denies that he has imprinted on Bella even though he totally has on her womb at least anyway.

What sucks about Sam’s story is it actually sounds interesting, even as a second-hand account. Why didn’t we have a book about Sam? Why do I have to keep reading about Bella “I fall down and cry at everything” Swan?

They snuggle as the sun comes out and Jacob tries to get her to stay on the res, away from the vampires. Bella asks Jacob what he was doing to Edward earlier, when he was–wait, seriously? She couldn’t figure it out? Jesus Christ. Good old Bella, nothing gets by her. Jacob cops to remembering Bella being all depressed and sad and crap when Edward left her, specifically to make Edward cry. Jacob that is like so totally mean.

“If I’m going to try to come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.

oh god the pain

That’s it. She says she’ll try to come back and that’s the end of the chapter. The next chapter starts off with her drive home. Why are we back to the “Then I did this and then this happened and then I did this and then Edward said this” narrative? Why are werewolves as contrived as vampires now? Why did we feel the need to complicate werewolf and vampire myths?

For the love of God, why hasn’t something happened yet?

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Chapter Twenty-Four

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”

I THOUGHT CARLISLE SAVED YOU???!

I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?

Wow.

Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.

Chapter Twenty

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I am powerful hungover. Forgive me my lack of the usual subtlety and written finesse.

CHAPTER TWENTY IS BAD AND STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD FEEL BAD.

Surprise surprise, since there is a festival going on in Volterra, traffic is a major pain. This leaves room for Bella to notice how close to noon it’s getting, and moan Alice’s name a lot. No, really.

“Alice,” I moaned. […]

“Alice,” I whispered urgently.

See? The fanfic practically writes itself.

Red is the theme for the festival of Saint Marcus. And vampire fangs. Yeah, I know. Alice bribes the guy at the gate with some cash–a fat roll with a thousand dollar bill on the outside, to be exact. Never mind that the US Treasury stopped distributing $1,000 bills in 1969, and that these bills were primarily used for bank transfers before there were electronic devices to facilitate such things. No, Alice has a thousand dollar bill–and she’s just handing them out. That’s how important it is to find Edward!

Before you say “Maybe it was $1,000 Italian?”, Italy switched to the euro in 2002, and those only go to €500. Again, five minutes on Google would have explained all of this. Why didn’t Alice just hand him a thick roll of Benjamins? Why the useless inclusion of a thousand dollar bill there is no way she would have?

And for that matter, there is a big show of how she has to put on a glove to hand him the money, to keep from glittering all over the place. How did she manage to steal the Porsche? Was it waiting in a shady grove for her? Did she keep an umbrella over her at all times?

So, of course, the guard lets Lucy and Ethel through. Alice makes some comment about “They’re everywhere!” and urges Bella to run for the Palazzo del Priori, because she’s only got two minutes to keep Edward from outing himself.

Ah, then follows four pages of Bella intensely trying to push her way through a crowd of celebrating Italians. Woo. She finally sees him standing in the shadow of an alleyway, shirtless, eyes closed, arms spread, ready to get out there and be dazzling.

Well, thankfully for everyone, Bella slams into him just before he can join the festivities. How many people wouldn’t have thought he was just in costume? That he’d poured glitter all over himself? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s just so supernaturally beautiful that of course everyone would realize he must not be human. Which only leaves vampires, duh.

Edward opens his eyes, sees Bella in his arms, and promptly assumes he’s dead. If only, big guy.

It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole.

Aww that’s so stupid and unhealthy I could just send you a card and ask to be your bridesmaid at the wedding. Should I bring my own mountain lion, or will the reception be catered?

Edward quotes Romeo or something and I nearly barf. No, really, hangover, remember? Bella finally gets the dumbass to realize that they’re not dead but they’re going to be soon because the Volturi are still around. Two robed goons appear, and Edward throws Bella against the wall and braces himself against her. To protect her, I’m sure. They make thinly veiled threats at each other before demanding that Edward come with them, and bring the cheeseburger, too. Then Alice shows up, and there’s uh, some more useless posturing, before a little girl vampire appears and demands everyone follow her.

This is pretty intense, you guys.

Alice catches Edward up via telepathy as they walk. They are led to a manhole. Alice drops down first, ready to catch Bella. Of course, this scares the piss out of Bella, because she is absolutely freaking useless.

I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the darkness, scrunching them together in terror, clamping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t scream.

Good lord, what? You know, when you close your eyes “against the darkness,” it’s still just as dark. Also, I can’t be the only one tired of Bella’s screaming. I bet The Joy of Painting would give her nightmares.

They are led through the tunnel. Bella panics because omg it’s sooooo dark. Edward keeps his arms around her and kisses her in places while no one is looking. Bella convinces herself it’s just guilt, because obviously he doesn’t want her, obviously.

The path beneath our feet continued to slant downward, taking us deeper into the ground, and it made me claustrophobic. Only Edward’s hand, soothing against my face, kept me from screaming out loud.

GOOD FREAKING GOD, WOULD YOU TAKE A VALIUM AND RELAX ALREADY

They get to a door and oh man what could possibly be on the other side. A psychologist, maybe? Some nice men with a white jacket for Bella to wear? A grizzly?

Chapter Nineteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

Chapter Eighteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.

Chapter Seventeen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I know you guys were really worried that Victoria was waiting in Bella’s home, ready to eat her, so I’ll save you some tension. Alice is standing in the living room, looking incredibly confused to see Bella.

Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, crying out her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Then of course, she starts crying, and Alice has to carefully extricate herself, on account of Bella smelling delicious and Alice being stupid and thirsty.

For once, in the year since the Cullens left, Bella now feels like everything is okay. Oooookay. Vampire addiction much?

Also, Alice wants very much to know why Bella is still alive. Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her fall–she corrects her with “I saw you jump.” She’d warned Edward that this would happen, but he was convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise to not do stupid things. Edward doesn’t know Bella very well.

Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the suicide of his daughter. Only, uh, here she is. Bella insists she wasn’t trying to kill herself, it was just for fun, and Alice flat-out doesn’t buy it. And besides, didn’t Alice see Jacob jumping in to save her?

Remember how Alice is most sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what. She can’t see werewolves. Yes, werewolves are invisible in her visions. Their only predator, the only other thing that can take them out, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted.

How ridiculously convenient for the plot, wouldn’t you say?

This comes up after Bella finally spills the beans that Jacob is a werewolf (so much for keeping the secret). Even though none of the vamps ever said word one about werewolves and how they’re dangerous and how they can kill vampires, Alice knows enough about them to know that they have a stupid short temper and young ones, especially, are known for loosing it.

Oh, P.S., Victoria is here trying to kill her. Why Alice didn’t have visions of that is beyond me. And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves trying to save Bella. Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring her here?

…Does Alice want Bella to die? OMG please say yes

Bella relates the whole story, sans her Edward hallucinations. Alice comments on how Bella must not be doing so hot now that they’ve left, and she’s all “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Alice mentions in passing that maybe she shouldn’t have come, and Bella has a panic attack, throwing her arms around the vampire again and begging her not to leave.

This girl needs some serious medication.

Jacob calls at this moment to check to see if Bella is still alive. When she confirms, he hangs up on her. HA! I love this kid.

Uh, let’s see. Alice is in this chapter, which you’d think would please me a great deal, but it’s still incredibly boring. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apolgizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.

Yawn.

Bella wakes up to Charlie and Alice talking about her in the kitchen. Charlie explains that for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything, and wouldn’t move. (Despite that Bella explains she only missed one day of school during her period of depression). He didnt let the doctor see her though, because he was afraid it would scare her. Riiight. Renee came up from Florida after that to take her back with her, but as soon as they started packing clothes, Bella snapped out of it, and threw a fit, screaming about how she could never leave. Ooookay. After that, she would move and eat and you know, sustain herself, but she broke all her CDs, she didn’t read or watch TV, and she never called her friends back. Hey, her friends actually gave it an effort! So I guess I can agree with their decision to just give the hell up on her. Oh, also, she screamed in her sleep. Did we ever mention that?

Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathise with how much she truly loved Edward, but she’s just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors, period. Someone should have checked her into a ward a long, long time ago.

Psychiatry is for everyone, Bella.

Charlie clearly blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent, like, you know, physical or emotional abuse. I mean, every girl goes completely catatonic for a week after they get dumped, right?

“Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.” His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…

Sooooo sick of how truest of true lovingly truly loved she was. You two had nothing in common. He berated you, insulted you, controlled you, used you, and let’s be honest, you only loved him because he was gorgeous.

Augh.

Charlie and Alice both sound like they’re pretty fed up with Edward, at least, which I can appreciate. Bella decides to pretend to wake up at this point. Charlie leaves for the res to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.

“My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”

Snap. Life basically sucks for Alice. But do you see her curling up in a ball, sobbing and vomiting everywhere? No. Why weren’t these books about Alice?

Uh, Bella does chores. It’s… it’s really awesome, you guys. There’s a ring at the door, and since Alice can’t See who it is, they assumed werewolves. God, Alice, your power really sucks.  Alice vacates as Bella goes to check the door.

And now I am finally caught up.

Chapter Sixteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Someone

for some reason

rescues Bella Swan from the ocean.

Jacob is pounding on her back, trying to knock the water out of her lungs and get her to breathe. Internally, Bella complains that dying isn’t so much fun anymore, now that everything hurts and she can’t imagine Edward.

Sam asks if it’s even okay to move her, if maybe she hurt her back in the fall. This already makes him a million times better than the “doctor” attending Bella previously in the book.  Bella finally croaks a few words, and confirms for Jacob that nothing hurts other than her throat, so Jacob picks her up and carries her back to House Black, telling Sam he’ll meet him at the hospital later.

Oh, so Bella is finally going to the hospital for the serious injuries she’s sustatined? That’s new.

Bella thinks she sees fire out on the water. Victoria’s hair is often described as fiery in Bella’s internal monologue. How odd, is Stephenie foreshadowing now?

Jacob was searching for Bella when he heard her scream as she threw herself from the cliff. He lets her know how incredibly stupid it was to “cliffdive” in a storm. To make matters worse, they never actually found Victora. She took off into the water (apparently vampires are very good swimmers on account of not having to breathe); Jacob was afraid she’d doubled back around to the beach, which is why he came back here in the first place.

The whole hospital hint doesn’t get past Bella (she’s just so sharp) and she asks if someone was hurt in the hunting. No, actually, one of the other injuns had a heart attack, the one guy that was Charlie’s BFF. This was actually foreshadowed a bit in a previous chapter, but I didn’t recap it because I thought it was a fluke or something. Stephenie Meyer, foreshadowing? Pshaw I say.

Of course Bella immediately turns this into something about her.

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt–felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

Did anybody else notice the three adverbs in one sentence? Ugh, adverbs light up like anomalies on an MRI for me, now. Sorry, too much House, M.D.

Jacob dumps Bella in his living room and gets her some clothes to change into. Nobody has asked yet why she was trying to kill herself. I guess Jacob is in denial re: cliffdiving, currently.

For the next three pages, Bella waxes pathetic about Romeo and Juliet, in an attempt to justify settling for Jacob. She’s never going to find another person she loves as much as Edward, ever ever ever. So she may as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to. And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all right. Right?

Not even joking.

Bella also has the good sense to finally realize that indirectly killing herself “being reckless” hurts her mother and father. She doesn’t want to think about what it would have done to Charlie to lose his best friend and his daughter in the same day.

Oh, Bella still hasn’t been to a doctor, by the way, after nearly dying. Oxygen deprivation is really not so bad. Jacob at least apologizes for not taking her to the hospital, but Christ. Are people really that lacking in common sense here?

He does agree to take her home though, because Bella insists she’s fine. Oookay. Bella spends some more time attempting to justify her urge to settle for Jacob. He’s “essential to her survival!” She needs him, because she can’t possibly live life by herself.

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.

… Seriously?

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

Seriously? You just up and admit that? You don’t care about him as much as he does, but you want to make sure that you still have him. Greedy little child! Forget that it’s possible he could be happier with someone else, if you can’t love him then no one can!

She tells herself she’d need to explain everything, so he knows she isn’t settling. Uh, even though she is. He’s just way too good for her, is all! She’s so broken and tragic and sad. And again, is it really so wrong to just want to make him happy?

Uuugggghh ugh ugh ugh. I want to hit something.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

Almost like being a whole person again. Good Lord. Forget simple codependency, this girl has full-on Dependent Personality Disorder. It’s SO romantic!

Anyway, Bella is thinking about starting a makeout session with Jacob when Edward whispers in her ear to “Be happy.” Jacob, however, opens the door to let her out, and gets a fresh whiff of vampire. So he brings the truck to a roar and they zoom off and away from Bella’s house–but not before she recongizes Carlisle’s car outside.

OMG OMG OMG IT’S TOTES THE CULLENS FORGET ABOUT JACOB THE CULLENS HAVE COME BACK TO BITE ME AND MAKE ME ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL DEAD

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

[…] “Of course,” I said, my voice blank with surprise as his question. Of course I wanted to go back.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Cullens! They’re all good and wonderful and suspicious and abusive and eat endangered animals!

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle. Take me back!”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, it’s okay–”

“No. Take yourself back, Bella.” His voice was a slap–I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

[…] He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”

Can I just say that I seriously laughed out-loud at this line? I think Jacob’s “irrational” hatred of vampires is supposed to make us not like him (because vampires are so pretty and sparkly!), but hot damn, I love this kid.

Bella takes a brief second to think that maybe, maybe she’s hurt Jacob’s feelings, but that quickly subsides because OMG THERE’S A CULLEN IN HER HOUSE!!!1

Just as she steps inside, to turn on the light, she realizes that she’d seen Victoria on the water, and is all like “Oh, I hope she’s not in here waiting to eat me now that I pissed off Jacob and he ran off.”

If only.