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Chapter Six

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Sweet salivating savior.

Now, I know some of you are gearing up for the possible excuses I will make. Maybe there have been betting pools. Well, let me set your minds at ease. Here is an exact list of everything I was doing for the last month:

  1. Writing a vampire novel
  2. Doing everything else I possibly could other than read Eclipse

I know, I feel your scorn even now. “This is a recap site,” you are all saying. “It is basically required that you read the books you are actively hatin’ on.”

But riddle me this, dear readers. What better possible statement exists on the quality of Eclipse than “Despite the fact that 40,000 people on the internet wanted me to, I could not bring myself to even look at this book for more than a month”?

I rest my case.

And with that, let me tell you all a little something about Chapter Six.

Edward creep-o-meter: A big ol “Welcome Back” 10.

When we last left off,  Bella was driving home after an unbelievably exciting chat with Jacob. You all remember Jacob, right? Big fellow? Werewolf? A friend Bella isn’t allowed to have, according to Edward?

Bella drives herself home, and out of nowhere, the Volvopire is behind her. He doesn’t honk. He doesn’t insist she pulls over. He just follows her all the way to her mortal friend’s house. Bella is terrified. She thinks briefly on how she’d been hoping to have some time before facing Edward, and how she’d at least wanted to have Charlie around, to “force him to keep his voice down.” Replace those words with “force him to keep from swinging at her,” and this whole scene makes even more unsavory sense.

So Edward continues to just. follow. her. as she drives to Angela’s. When she pulls into the drive, he keeps going. Yep. Just wanted to make sure where she was going. Just wanted to intimidate her. There was no other purpose for that drive. Just wanted to scare the piss out of his girlfriend.

Angela and Bella stuff envelopes. Don’t remember why she agreed to this. But it means we have an excuse for Bella to pretend like she even gives a damn about mortals still. She attempts to try to talk to Angela about what’s happening with Edward v. Jacob, without mentioning any of the werewolf/vampire stuff that would likely get her thrown into a ward. Angela keenly points out that Edward is jealous. Noooooooo Angela you just don’t get it that’s not it at all because Edward is perfect and selfless and wonderful and barf barf barf.

Angela’s boyfriend comes back, and Bella begins to tremble because that means she has to go home and face her insanely jealous, controlling, manipulative — I mean, selfless, perfect, wonderful, protective boyfriend.

Her whole drive home is anxious. And then, this.

“I’m going to go study,” I announced glumly as I headed for the stairs.

“See you later,” Charlie called after me.

If I survive, I thought to myself.

OH MAN YOU GUYS. It is so hilarious having a boyfriend who could kill you at a moment’s notice and is also incredibly emotionally unhinged!

Edward glares at her silently for several minutes. How dare she go see her friends? She finally explains how alive and unharmed she is, to which Edward just whines that he was soooo close to breaking the treaty and starting a war and it would have been all her fault.

They argue over how Bella wants to have friends and Edward won’t let her. They seriously argue about this. He refuses to negotiate on her seeing Jacob because he is “dangerous.” Wow, what a sweet guy. Bella delivers some stupid speech about being Switzerland. They joke about her smelling like dog. Whatever. God, I hate this.

THE NEXT DAY. Edward is going to go hunting again because he had to come back and save Bella from absolutely nothing when he found out she was hanging out with another boy.

We’d come to no agreement on the werewolf issue, but I didn’t feel guilty calling Jake–during my brief window of opportunity when Edward took the Volvo home before climbing back in through my window–to let him know I’d be coming over on Saturday again. It wasn’t sneaking around. Edward knew how I felt. And if he broke my truck again, then I’d have Jacob pick me up.

There is so. much. wrong. with that paragraph, I don’t even know where to freaking start.

Alice picks Bella up from school. This is odd. When Bella asks where Edward is, Alice just says they left early. Then she excitedly announces that ALL the boys have gone and Bella and her are going to have a slumber party which in no way is to be translated as 1st degree kidnapping and house arrest.

Alice is not repentant in the least. Edward bribed her with a porsche, so Bella is now legal hostage. In fact, no one really seems alarmed at this at all. Bella is going to be held at Cullen Manor for two days. She is only allowed to leave for school. She only gets one phone call to Jacob, and that is only to let him know that she won’t be coming over on Saturday after all.

“Alice, don’t you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?”

Also in the running for Most Obvious Answer: “Alice, don’t you think bears shit in the woods just a little bit? Just a tiny bit of defecation, maybe?”

Alice, of course, thinks nothing of the sort. Edward is just–wait for it

PROTECTING HER

–and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting her safe!

Alice, I loved you once.

Bella uses her one phone call to tell Jacob their plans are canceled. He immediately suspects the bloodsuckers, and for good reason. Bella jokes–she jokes–that she is being held prisoner. Jacob’s immediate response is that he is coming to get her. God, I love this kid.

After this, Bella calls Edward to leave a bunch of half-hearted, lukewarm threats in his voicemail. “You are in trouble. Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”

Ha ha, it’s so funny that he can coerce his family into kidnapping his girlfriend when he’s not in town so he can continue to keep tabs on her every move. You are in BIG TROUBLE, MISTER!

Alice escorts Bella to Edward’s room, where she’ll be sleeping. This is ostensibly to show her the enormous bed Edward moved in there, but it is also probably to keep monitoring her for any signs of rebellion.

Bella, because she is an enormous idiot, refuses to sleep on the bed, and curls up on the couch in “defiance.” You know what else is defiant? Getting your phone and calling the God damn cops.

Rosalie comes into her room in the middle of the night.

Whoa, did it just get a lot more sexy in here, or is it just me?

Chapter Eighteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.