Chapter Fifteen

For those of you who didn’t believe Bella could honestly get any stupider, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.

Bella spends all her free time at La Push, and Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Mike notices, and asks if she’s dating that guy. Oh, nooo, we’re just friends.

Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Bella. The guy’s head over heels for you.”

“I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.”

“And girls are cruel,” Mike said under his breath.

God, now I really feel bad for Mike. The kid really never stood a chance. I don’t suppose he’s got alien or ESPer blood in him? Something supernatural? Just to give him a fighting chance?

The issue of Jacob’s constantly high temperature comes up. Bella asks if having a 108-109 degree body temperature is one of those wolf things, and he confirms. Uh, no, it isn’t. He comments that Quil has really grown lately, too, and his grandfather is complaining about his fever, so it would be long before he’s One Of The Pack.

Jacob worries that he is somehow less human because he is so awesome at being a werewolf. He then asks if Bella ever got totally creeped out being with vampires. Well of course she didn’t, because they’re just so wonderful and beautiful and perfect and boring. He asks her about the manpire powers the Cullens have, and she hesitantly tells him.

Um, let’s see… more “character development,” uh… Bella spends yet more time at the beach… she can’t stand staying at Emily’s place because of all the ~*love*~… God, I’d almost forgotten how boring this chapter is.

One day, Jacob apologizes for ruining her spring break, and promises to take her to do something fun. He remembers promising to take her cliffdiving, and says they can do it tomorrow. Bella hasn’t had an Edisode in forever, so she agrees greedily.

Unfortunately, the next day, the pack gets a fresh whiff of Victoria and they’re busy hunting her for hours. Bella loiters at the beach, watching a storm build, and goes crazy with boredom, much like I am. She gets depressed because now she won’t hear Edward today.

Bella decides she’s had enough of boredom and waiting and not trying to commit suicide. She decides she’s going cliff diving by herself.

Right now.

In the middle of a building storm.

With the waves crashing around like crazy.

She drives her truck to the top of the cliff, steps out to the edge, and smiles as she hears Edward begging her not to kill herself. I’m just waiting for the bitch to finally do it. I’m tired of boredom, overwrought narrative, stupid superpowers, flat characters, and plot holes. I want this to end. End it, Bella. Or are you too chicken?

Bella throws herself from the cliff.

Yessssss.

She hits the water and is all “Haha I am awesome,” before the current catches her. She is surprised. She is shocked that the water is so violent, in the middle of a God damn storm.

So anyway she drowns. Not kidding. She stops fighting it, stops swimming, just sinks in the water, and thinks happily of Edward.

Almost a year after her abusive boyfriend left her unconscious in the forest and stole her things, Bella Swan commits suicide by throwing herself from a cliff into the storm-tossed sea.

Remember, girls: the more you suffer, the more it means you care.

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49 Responses to “Chapter Fifteen”

  1. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    … And Smeyer actually put this in her book? I have been questioning the example she’s been setting for her impressionable readers this whole time, but seriously? So if your boyfriend dumps you, throw yourself off a cliff? I wonder if that’s what Smeyer will do if she ever gets a divorce.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Would it save us from a future bad book series?

      No. It would probably just make Twilight have a comeback.

      Then again, if it makes a generation Twilight fans hospitalize themselves…

  2. Wow that suicide feels like the first actual classical romance/tragedy reference in the books. Bella, be classy about being classical and -actually drown-. For the sake of literature!

    • But that’s literature is called romantic “tragedy”
      They actually die in the end and its tragic
      But this isn’t the case in twilight. There is no tragedy and bella has no consequences of her actions. So it is a stupid piece of book

  3. And the only thing dimming my elation is the knowledge that she has to somehow survive, because there are more of these damn books after this.

  4. I am just SO freaking glad that I’m not the only one who has a serious problem with this chapter. Not because Bella is supposedly dying. Not even JUST because of the reason for it, though that’s part of it. But because somebody ACTUALLY PUBLISHED THIS. Somebody actually thought it would be a good idea to promote a heroine–and I use that term loosely–that falls into a depression and tries to off herself because her boyfriend leaves her. No positive moving-on-with-life message. No strong-independant-woman message. But a teenage girl trying to kill herself because her one and only reason for living dumped her ass.

    Bella actually makes an artform out of stupid. So does Smeyer.

  5. I wish I could HATE Bella to DEATH.

  6. much like Tavis(not Travis) if I saw Smeyer walking down the street I’d punch her in her stupid face.

  7. Softspoken Says:

    Wait, she drowned? Bella is DEAD? The series is OVER?
    YAY!
    … Whaddya mean there’s MORE? You lied to me SMeyer! You liiiiied!

  8. So… HMMMMM!! (loudly) Quil lives with his grandfather too?, I guess all native american boys do, makes sense, yeah… or maybe Jacob meant his own grandfather, in which case it would just mean native american boys all have one shared mentor figure who is old and oh so wise and checks their temperature and stuff.

    For some reason my mind got stuck on that instead of Bella’s sinking problem. I’m lost, it’s late, must sleep.

    (P.S. Greatest recaps!, even if my eyes squint with the white font on black, but they go all squint at anything anyway, it’s a thing.)

  9. But…a high body temperature IS a wolf thing! A timber wolf will run between 100-102 degrees Farenheit, generally And considering that these wolves are not only the size of bears, but MAGICAL and the size of bears, a temperature of 108 seems fairly reasonable, maybe just enough to let a particularly permissive mama wolf to let you stay home from school.
    …and Now I’m applying science to Twilight…
    Oh, sidenote, you know how I found out a timber wolf’s average core temperature? GOOGLE, SMeyer! You and your characters are not strangers to this process!

    • Snap, maybe I should google this stuff myself. Timber wolves run at 100-102? That’s freaking interesting.

      I’m not even sure that Stephenie knew that, I think she just wanted to be artsy and show how DIFFERENT werewolves and vampires are, right down to their basal temperature, lol

      • i really think she did it just to make a complete difference between Edward and Jacob. because really, why would anyone choose a warm, cuddly wolf when they could have a hard, cold bloodsucking cretin?

        • Why would anyone choose any of those. Anyone should run from something that wants to tear you apart or eat you or mouthrape you

    • But I thought werewolves were LARGER than bears?
      And you know, all that heat and energy leads up to the furplosions….

    • Bendemolena Says:

      But.. but, wouldn’t that like.. kill brain cells and stuff after a while? WHAT ABOUT INTERNAL DAMAGE?!

    • I also googled… and know that generally, the bigger an animal is, the lower its body temperature. Case in point — bears have the same body temperature as humans, 37 C (~98.6 F). 108 F is really freaking high, and should be causing organ shutdown.

      Oh, wait, werewolves, exploding, regenerating like mad for some reason, prints easily mistaken for bears somehow… Y’know what, maybe we should just leave science out of this before I break my skull on the wall.

      Meanwhile, Ophelia was believable, while this sudden cliff diving really isn’t. She’s happy! She’s with people who love her! Why would she do this? It doesn’t make a lick of sense!

      • Ophelia actually died, she was in depression & shakespear never called her mature or wise while she did it. He wrote she has gone crazy…please no comparing twilight with something that is great and makes sense about human behavior

  10. Forsakentale Says:

    Werewolves are hot because of all the fur they stock inside themselves (right).
    I can just hear a bunch of people down at the cliff cheering: “Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!” then, when Bella is drowning they change to “Die! Die! Die! Die!” and then we see: the Cheerleaders ‘r Us.
    *gets her pompoms*

  11. I’m going to pretend the series ended here, and there was an epilogue about how Edward committed Sparklecide, Jacob mourned, then got together with Mike, Victoria said, “oh, well that settles that then”, and Smeyer got hit by a bus.

    • Have you ever considered writing your own books? That “Jacob mourned, then got together with Mike” was so surprising I had to read it twice to make sure I read it correctly. I shall dub thee “Master of plot twists that are a million times better than haev evil vmapires”

      • Eh, as a plot-twist it’s not anything special. However, the psychology I figure’s behind it? That, I like.

        See, the way I figure it, they both have the same thing going on: denial of homosexuality. In order to internally deny it, they have to assert their heterosexuality, namely by crushing on a girl. However, in their minds, they can’t just spontaneously ‘like’ a girl in their school/reservation, as they have known those girls their whole lives – their inner-logical/not-in-denial selves would point out that ‘if I really liked her, I would’ve started liking her earlier’.

        But then, along comes Bella! She’s new, she’s someone who they DIDN’T have a chance to crush on before, and so can ‘like’ now without being confronted by their inner-logic/whatever. They HAVE to like her in order to assert their heterosexuality.

        After her death, Mike and Jacob talk, as they were both part of Bella’s ‘rejected guys’ club. They grow close, confiding in each other what they’d likely not tell others, and eventually help each other come out of the closet.

        Yeah, I know that Bella visited Charlie, but from the way she acts, she had minimum contact with everyone in Forks, so the ‘new’ thing still counts.

        From my previous posts, you may think I am perverted and/or like my homosexual couples and/or am gay myself and hence like projecting it onto characters. I’d like to say that I have absolutely no freaking clue what my sexuality is as I’ve only been in one relationship (which I am in now), which is pretty much permanently long-distance. Gay coupling just gives me a reason why the people in question haven’t gotten together yet.

        Long post is loooooooooong.
        tl;dr version – Mike and Jacob were in denial, then after Bella’s death talked and came out.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Long post is long! But not as long as Longcat!

    • Oh, if it were true…
      But if that would be the case, we wouldn’t have these awesome recaps to laugh, cringe, and anger at. Honestly. I’m in awe of Rachel’s ability not to tare the book into smithereens in an Hulk-like fit of rage.

  12. spoiler:

    the werewolves ain’t wolves :|

  13. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    You could say that Bella took a “Swan” dive off that cliff. Buh dum CHTT!

  14. I can’t help thinking that just asking Jacob to werewolf-ize her would be SO MUCH EASIER. And Jacob would do it, because he’s the nice-guy-that-will-finish-last (well, until he becomes an arsehole as only SMeyer can do to her main male characters…)

    Plus, she’d get all her wishes! She’d be immortal, so on par with Eddie, and he can’t ignore her anymore because there’s no reason to! Viola! Himani has done SMeyer’s job for her!

    Oh, but we can’t do that because that would be “giving” youself to another boy and blahblahblah not right. *sigh*

  15. A Chapter 15 Haiku:

    The wind rushing past
    The icy kiss of water
    Life choked from her form

    I think back to Mrs. Hatch saying “oh yeah I would TOTALLY have my tween read this” and im thinking WAHTTHEMOTHERFUCK!!!

  16. soranomukou Says:

    I would go out with Yuki regardless of whether she was an alien or not.

    I TOTALLY SPAZZED WHEN YOU WROTE THAT BIT ABOUT ESPERS I REALLY DID. ILU SO HARD. ♥

  17. If I owned the book, I would tear out the pages succeeding this and pretend the series was over.

    Actually, when you think about it, this is a happy ending.

  18. The End, right? Right?

    There’s more isn’t there?

    Damn it.

  19. what was with smeyer and her phoney wolf factoids? they have unnaturally hot body tempatures and heal quickly? wear is she getting this from?

  20. also

    bella.needs.serious.help.

  21. I know I’m extremely late to this party but….

    Would it not be frightening (and a bit hilarious) if “Edisode” became an actual psychological term?

    Just sayin’.

  22. WHAT DOES BELLA MEAN WHEN SHE SAYS THAT SHEAKES JACOB LOOK DOWNRIGHT NORMAL?

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