For those of you who didn’t believe Bella could honestly get any stupider, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.
Bella spends all her free time at La Push, and Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Mike notices, and asks if she’s dating that guy. Oh, nooo, we’re just friends.
Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Bella. The guy’s head over heels for you.”
“I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.”
“And girls are cruel,” Mike said under his breath.
God, now I really feel bad for Mike. The kid really never stood a chance. I don’t suppose he’s got alien or ESPer blood in him? Something supernatural? Just to give him a fighting chance?
The issue of Jacob’s constantly high temperature comes up. Bella asks if having a 108-109 degree body temperature is one of those wolf things, and he confirms. Uh, no, it isn’t. He comments that Quil has really grown lately, too, and his grandfather is complaining about his fever, so it would be long before he’s One Of The Pack.
Jacob worries that he is somehow less human because he is so awesome at being a werewolf. He then asks if Bella ever got totally creeped out being with vampires. Well of course she didn’t, because they’re just so wonderful and beautiful and perfect and boring. He asks her about the manpire powers the Cullens have, and she hesitantly tells him.
Um, let’s see… more “character development,” uh… Bella spends yet more time at the beach… she can’t stand staying at Emily’s place because of all the ~*love*~… God, I’d almost forgotten how boring this chapter is.
One day, Jacob apologizes for ruining her spring break, and promises to take her to do something fun. He remembers promising to take her cliffdiving, and says they can do it tomorrow. Bella hasn’t had an Edisode in forever, so she agrees greedily.
Unfortunately, the next day, the pack gets a fresh whiff of Victoria and they’re busy hunting her for hours. Bella loiters at the beach, watching a storm build, and goes crazy with boredom, much like I am. She gets depressed because now she won’t hear Edward today.
Bella decides she’s had enough of boredom and waiting and not trying to commit suicide. She decides she’s going cliff diving by herself.
In the middle of a building storm.
With the waves crashing around like crazy.
She drives her truck to the top of the cliff, steps out to the edge, and smiles as she hears Edward begging her not to kill herself. I’m just waiting for the bitch to finally do it. I’m tired of boredom, overwrought narrative, stupid superpowers, flat characters, and plot holes. I want this to end. End it, Bella. Or are you too chicken?
Bella throws herself from the cliff.
She hits the water and is all “Haha I am awesome,” before the current catches her. She is surprised. She is shocked that the water is so violent, in the middle of a God damn storm.
So anyway she drowns. Not kidding. She stops fighting it, stops swimming, just sinks in the water, and thinks happily of Edward.
Almost a year after her abusive boyfriend left her unconscious in the forest and stole her things, Bella Swan commits suicide by throwing herself from a cliff into the storm-tossed sea.
Remember, girls: the more you suffer, the more it means you care.