Archive for internet fanfiction-esque

Chapter Two

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

When we last left our indomitable heroine weak, spiritless little floozy, she was bleeding on the floor of her boyfriend’s family’s home. Awkward.

Emmett forces Jasper outside. Everyone save Alice, Edward, and Carlisle evacuate, covering their noses. My dad used to be able to clear a room like that too, but more because he’d just had chili and less because his blood was so deliciously tempting. Bella opts to have Carlisle stitch her up right then and there rather than taking her to the hospital, because they would, of course, have questions. Thus begins Bella’s practice at hiding the injuries she sustains thanks to Edward. Speaking of which, the marble bastard is brooding and glowering the whole time, before Alice can shoo him off. Then Alice finally can’t take being in Bella’s presence anymore (she’s like an IQ black hole) and vamooses as well.

Leaving Bella and Carlisle alone in the room.

Now, it’s a well known and proven fact that if you’re a young person, and even just a little bit pretty, and Carlisle is alone with you, he’s basically going to bite you. Because he wants to “save” you. In this case, I think Carl is waiting for Ed to do the job. Maybe he’s hoping that all that time Ed spent alone in his room, listening to classical music, working tirelessly on his hair, showing no interest in girls, was just a phase.

Yes, that’s why the Cullens are so thrilled with Bella. She’s not a boy.

Bella and Carlisle have a nice little chat while he picks shards of glass out of her arm and sews her back up. They end up having a philosophical, semi-religious conversation about whether or not vampires go to hell, or even have souls. Carlisle, it seems, has been working for centuries at deluding himself into think that if he just tries hard enough, he can overcome being damned. Sorry, bud, it really doesn’t work that way.  Especially when your “doing good” is convincing yourself that damning other people along with you–children for that matter–is a swell idea.

Edward, it turns out, believes that vampires don’t have souls. Which I guess is why he doesn’t want to bite Bella. I’m not sure how much a bad thing this is for her. She’s been hollowed out completely and the only thing left inside is a note saying “IOU a personality — Stephenie.”

Anyway, Carlisle recalls the story of Edward and his parents dying of the flu back in 19-I don’t give a crap-00. Ed’s mom went first, but before she went, she grabbed Carlisle by the arm and demanded that he save her son. “You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.” Carlisle convinces himself that she knew about his “gift,” and so, he dragged Edward’s body out through the morgue, while the kid was still barely alive, spirited him off to his sanctum or wherever the hell Carl was living, and bit the crap out of him.

Now, here’s what really happened in my mind. Carlisle has been alive for near 300 years. He’s losing it. He’s a carnivore on a vegetarian diet. He’s lonely as hell. He sees a dying mother with her attractive dying son, and thinks I want one! Mom dies, demanding that Carl save her son, like any mother would, and Carlisle, in his already warped mind, hears her begging him to bite Edward. Well, shucks! She wants him to vamp Ed up. Steal the near-dead body of a young man, chew on him in various places, wait a few days, and bam! Carlisle has his own special family now, just like he always wanted.

See, if it were actually written like that, this would be a very different blog.

Edward comes back, still brooding and stone-like. They get Bella a new, non-blood stained shirt, agreeing that Charlie probably won’t notice. I’d be outraged, but they’re probably right. Charlie is a pretty terrible dad. Jasper is beating himself up for almost killing Bella (dude, I would have given you a prize if you’d pulled it off) and Alice is trying to be there for him. Mama Esme is mopping the floors with undiluted bleach. I’m not so sure that’s good for hardwood flooring, but whatev. She does it with such straight-forward efficiency that I wonder if this isn’t the first bloodbath she’s ever had to mop up.

Esme and Carlisle have a ridiculously sordid life, in my mind. I keep that fanfic idea shelved next to “Bella ditches Edward and explores the forbidden with Alice.”

Someday, ff.net. Someday.

Edward drives Bella home and begins the painful process of breaking up with her. She’s an idiot and completely codependent, so she has no idea that’s what he’s trying to do.

“Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up–and he wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.”

“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?” I demanded.

“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,” he growled.

“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton,” I protested. “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.”

Oh good Lord.

They finally get to the house and stop freaking talking. Charlie is still watching the game. He actually manages to notice that she’s favoring her arm.

“What happened to your arm?”

I flushed and cursed silently. “I tripped. It’s nothing.”

“I tripped. And fell down the stairs. And hit the doorknob. He loves me okay HE LOVES ME!!

Dad Charlie buys it, Bella goes up to her room, and Edward is… still brooding. Sheesh. He brought the last two presents, one of which is a pair of plane tickets to Jacksonville care of Emse and Carlisle. The other is from Edward, and is a mix-CD of songs he wrote himself. Awwwwww he’s such a sweet tortured beast. He gets her some tylenol. She asks what he’s thinking. This is intense stuff, you guys.

They kiss, because, you know, they’re teenagers in bed. This time, Edward goes for the Forbidden Open-Mouth Kiss, breaking all his carefully established, control-enhancing rules for celibacy preventing Bella from getting nom’d. She’s all “YES YES I WANT TO DO IT WITH A DEAD GUY” when he finally pushes her away. Edward is, if I may, a cockbite. Bella seriously needs a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

My personal favorite  chapter is the one about “He’s just not that into you if he won’t have sex with you.” I believe the chapter ends on a picture of a flag, and says “Here’s a flag. Color it red. There’s your red flag.”

Wait, I’m reading New Moon. Uh, let’s see… open mouth kissing, Bella writhes around, Edward disengages. Hmm, for some reason, Edward is breathless after this. Even though he doesn’t need to breathe. That’s a bit odd, wouldn’t you say?

Before Bella falls asleep, she realizes that Edward kissed her like that in the last book, before she was sent off to Phoenix with Alice and Jasper. Oh but he couldn’t possibly be breaking up with her, setting the entire plot for the second book by spinning her off into a whirlwind of self-destruction, clinical depression, and almost getting it on with that native boy, could he?

Hurting her to protect her? That doesn’t sound like Edward at all.

Discussion questions

Posted in Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You’re never going to believe this, guys. There are discussion questions in the back of this book. Like someone is going to suggest this for their local Oprah Book Club.

Let’s have a look…

1. Is the fact that Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts more important than it seems? Do you think it will serve a larger purpose?

It does serve as a startling way to show the lengths he will go to control and manipulate her. He makes a point of reading the minds of her friends while she’s talking with them, so he knows exactly what she’s saying about him. I guess it’s supposed to have something to do with this “glitch” in her brain Bella talks about earlier, and how they’re totes soulmates and stuff.

And it could also have to do with the fact that if he could read her mind, all he would hear is white noise. Wake up, Eddy, there’s nothing to read in there.

2. Bella faints at the smell of blood. If she were to become a vampire [recapper’s note: LOL], how might this serve as a hindrance? How might it be an asset?

Spoiler time. Because Bella is disgusted by blood, it means that when Edward turns her into a vampire in the fourth book, she is immune to bloodcraze. I am not even joking. So she will get all the good things about being a vampire, and will have nothing to do with the one. single. flaw.

Aren’t we just HAPPY for her???

3. Is Edward selfishly putting Bella in danger, or is Bella being too stubborn for her own good? Is it a little bit of both? What are the threatening factors facing Bella and are there ways to avoid them?

I wouldn’t put it past Edward, in my own mind, to purposely lead her into danger so he can save her time and again to force her to create a dependency on him. I wouldn’t put it past Bella, in my own mind, to consciously put herself in danger so that Edward feels the need to constantly be near her to protect her  (Hell, she actually considers this at some point in Twilight).

And I guess we can expect to see a lot more seriously boring vampire twit villains in this series. Hooray for monologging.

4. Temptation is a major theme in Twilight–more accurately, resisting one’s temptations. Discuss the subplot of Carlisle’s job as a doctor in relation to this major theme. How well does he handle temptation? What do you feel would be the most difficult part for him in his role? Why does he remain working as a doctor when the Cullens don’t seem to need his income?

Yeah, you know, I would like to discuss the subplot of Carlisle’s job as a doctor. Namely, how he still is one.

Carlisle was born in London, in the 1600s. Before the United States existed, and before we had things like social security cards. What I want to know is how he has managed to fake being a person to the point where he can hold a job as respected and screened as medical practitioner.  Does he have a fake ID? fake SSN? Rosalie and Emmett get remarried every few years, to keep up appearances, but Smeyer never explains if Dr. Cullen has to re-attend medical school every few decades to keep up on the latest methods of treatment. Or does he still use leeches and believe in humorism?

(Hint: The reason she explains the remarriage but not how Carlisle can hold down a job is because marriage is way more important than having a job.)

I’d also like to know how the Cullens “don’t seem to need his income.” Carlisle is the only family member with a job. Come to think of it, none of the women in this book have jobs. Alice and Rosalie are “in high school;” Esme is a stay-at-home vampmom; Bella is a listless, whiny little tramp; Bella’s mom just follows her super-young baseball-playing husband around like a lost puppy…

Here’s my own discussion question. Why does Stephenie Meyer hate women?

She totally doesn’t, you see. She believes that feminism is about choice, and if every single one of her female characters choose to stay at home and have babies and have no life outside of their husband and kids, then, by golly, that’s their choice, and they’re feminist for it! If her main character chooses to dig herself deeper and deeper into a controlling, manipulative relationship characterized by abuse and “hurting to protect,” well, by golly, that’s her choice, and she’s a strong role model for girls everywhere!

5. The Cullens live, act, and care for one another as a family. How much of their ability to do so is dependant on Carlisle’s rule that they live in a manner that contradicts their nature–hunting animals instead of humans? Do you think that they would be able to maintain their bond if they weren’t all committed to this plan?

Oh please.

The only reason they hunt animals instead of Bad People in this book is so Stephenie can have wonderful, perfect, beautiful, caring superbeings as the protagonists. Her attempt to create a conflict in “but just drinking animals is like only eating tofu” falls completely flat. One, Carlisle actually overcomes his bloodlust. Two, Edward, when faced with the tasty, tasty buffet of Bella’s O+, seems to have little to no problem not partaking (and spoiler, he later becomes “immune” to her.) Three, the only person who ever bitches about this lifestyle is Edward, in an attempt to look edgy and brooding. The hunting animals instead of humans aspect of vampirism is an easy out for Stephenie to have characters who are Good In Every Way, instead of, I don’t know, well-rounded, three-dimensional characters, with real flaws. “Too perfect” or “can’t have babies” are NOT FLAWS.

6. Edward saves Bella on more than one occasion. Discuss the different instances and how Bella reacts before she knows what he is and after. Also discuss how Edward reacts after each instance both before and after she learns he is a vampire.

Lord, there was a difference? Let me try to remember.

Bella, before she finds out Edward is a vampire, is less committed to loving him forever and forever. Once she finds out he’s one of the beautiful dead, and can make her one, too, she is immediately caught up in the glamor of faux-suicide and the romance of “dying” for someone you love.

The good news is that before she learns he’s a vampire, she doesn’t expect him to save her. This all dissipates when she realizes that he’s like totally strong and stuff.

I really don’t think Edward gives a damn either way.

7.Alice explains to Bella the theory of how vampires come to exist. She mentions that most have some memories of the transition and their life prior to it. How does what we learn from James about Alice’s past explain her lack of memory?

Uh. Are you serious?

She was a frigging vegetable.

8. Once Edward has tasted Bella’s blood, do you think it will make it harder to resist Bella–specifically her blood? Will the fact that he is able to control himself make Bella want to be changed into a vampire? Do you think that it is fair of her to ask that of him? Do you think it is fair of him to refuse?

Ugh. Again, let’s recap the pros and cons of being a vampire.

Pros:

1. Super power carried over from your natural skills in life (reading minds, seeing the future, loving people will all your heart, etc.)
2. Super strength, speed, and senses.
3. Aphrodisiac breath.
4. Heart-stopping beauty.
5. Don’t need to breathe.
6. Totally immortal, to the point where only chopping you to pieces and lighting the pieces on fire will kill you.
7. Sparkles.
8. An easily-overcome addiction to human blood.

Cons:

1. NONE WHATSOEVER.

OF COURSE BELLA WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE. I still think the only reason Edward is refusing is because if she were just as strong as him he couldn’t order her around. What he fails to realize is that Bella’s supervampire skill will be “obeying everything Edward says,” because she did it so well in life.

And, to address the first part of the question, you would think that tasting the forbidden fruit of Bella’s blood would make him want it more, but no. Sadly, this is not the case. He grows immune to her smell, and while he still appreciates it, eventually gets over his fear of accidentally eating her if she dares to open-mouth-kiss him.

Sigh.

9. Jacob Black tells Bella a story about his tribe and the “cold ones.” He doesn’t believe any of it but says his father clearly dislikes the Cullens. If Jacob’s father believes the Cullens are dangerous, why doesn’t he warn Bella or Jacob? Is he protecting a secret of his own?

Oh God. One, HE DOES WARN BELLA. ALL THE FREAKING TIME. HE PAID HIS KID TO GO TO PROM AND TELL HER TO BREAK UP WITH EDWARD. HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

The secret is that Billy Black has a Myspace and picked up all his social talent on the world-wide web.

10. Stephenie Meyer has noted that each of the novels in the Twilight Saga pays homage to other literary classics.

Sorry, I have to stop here. Are you freaking kidding me?

Okay, continue.

For Twilight, she has said Pride and Prejudice was the key inspiration.

….Are you serious?

Pride and Prejudice is often described as a “romantic comedy.” What parts of Twilight are romantic? What parts are comic? Describe the similarities between Elizabeth Bennet and Bella Swan. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Edward Cullen. What role would Bella’s friends play in a “remake” of Jane Austen’s classic story?

Oh.

My.

God.

I think the world has finally snapped.

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it is utterly ridiculous, insulting to a classic work of actual literature, and only serves to further feed Stephenie’s bloated ego.

Twilight — It’s Pride and Prejudice. With vampires.

I’d much rather read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, personally.

Crap, there’s an epilogue.

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Bella, all dolled up in a fancy dress, with a fancy do, and a fancy leg boot, is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, dressed in a tux. Alice spent all day prettying her up, which actually is sort of a cute mental image. With how Alice’s hair is described (sticking out in all directions, like she were just shocked–hey!), I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out of this with a fauxhawk or something.

Oh, and, Bella has no idea what’s going on. Not until Edward gets a call from Charlie, informing him that Tyler wants to know why Bella isn’t there to be his date to the prom.

Oh MY GOD Bella throws a fit. I would, too, if I were somehow stupid enough to not know that high school prom was coming. Crap on a stick, how meatheaded and tunnel-visioned do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…

Right. Bella.

Well, all the  vampires are there. By the way, Rosalie still hates her and her still-living womb. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraphs about just how pretty they are. Edward helps Bella dance by having her stand on his shoes like she’s a toddler.

Suddenly, injuns!

Jacob Black is here, for some unknown reason. He sidles up to the happy mixed-race couple and asks if he can dance. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.

He fills her in. Billy the Meddling Indian paid Jacob $20 to come to this prom. Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (speaking of which.. how did Jacob get here? he’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?

The reason Billy paid Jacob to come to prom was specifically so he could find Bella and tell her that Dad wants her to break up with Edward.

How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?’

Bella says no. Duh.

Jacob finishes the message with “We’ll be watching,” looking intensely embarrassed the whole time. Poor kid. I can’t believe daddy is sending him on his drama errands. I would have told the old man to stuff it, personally, but Jacob is in love with this idiot and wanted to see her dancing with some gorgeous white kid all night.

Edward reappears, glaring at Jacob until he leaves. He then sighs and says how much that native kid is getting on his nerves. Bella isn’t pretty, what an insult, she’s much more than even beautiful. Ugh.

Anyway, Edward leads her outside, and they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day, which Edward immediately calls absolutely retarded.

Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented. Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and simply kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!

I will leave you with the last paragraphs of this stinkfest, this pile of refuse, this hot burning injection of pure misogyny, codependency, abuse and necrophilia.

I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.”

And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.

eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

Twilight.

Chapter Fifteen, part two

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I think I’m okay to keep going.

Bella is understandably nervous about meeting Edward’s family. I’ve been there, done that. I would also however be worried that all seven of them would rip me to pieces and drain the blood from my hot fresh organs. Bella, however, has the brain activity of a radish, and is just worried they won’t approve of her.

House Cullen is way out in the boonies. It is the house of a rich person. Considering that Carlisle is probably ancient and… a doctor, this is not shocking. Hey, it’s not like they have to pay heating bills, or go grocery shopping, right? HA.

There are large windows on every wall. The house is very… open. And… bright. Hmm.

Later it is explained that they welcome the light here because “it’s the only place we don’t have to hide.” I have a charming mental image of a room full of dazzling vampires blinding each other unintentionally.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, as we remember him, is young, blond, and fabulous. Esme, his wife, looks like a silent movie star. They are perfect Aryan breeding stock. Edwards “parents” are reserved, friendly and cautious around this potential meal. Alice, on the other hand, comes bounding down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and declares that she does smell good.

Holy crap I think I love Alice.

Jasper comes down and suddenly everybody feels mellow. His superpower is not getting people baked (as awesome as that would be)–he is simply manipulating emotions. Right. Awesome. Now Bella can have someone tell her how to feel too. It’s not like she has an original thought in her head to begin with.

Edward and Carlisle have a psychic conversation as Bella stares at their house. It’s like, so totally big. She spies a grand piano, Esme asks if she plays. When Bella says no (because she has no hobbies in life other than mooning over brooding murderers), Esme drops that Edward plays. Of course he does. Bella isn’t even surprised at this point, saying “Edward can do everything, right?” Oh god.

Edward plays a little number he wrote himself. Of course he writes his own music. And, surprise, he’s a genius pianist. He plays a song he wrote specifically for Bella, and his “parents” vacate. I am seriously holding in my lunch.

Bella asks why Rosalie and Emmett don’t like her. Emmett just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a casserole. Rosalie, however, is jealous, because Bella is human, and Rosalie wants to be human.

I thought Carlisle saved you–

You know what, never mind. I’m just going to have to accept that Carlisle’s “compassion” doesn’t make any God damn sense.

“Alice seems very… enthusiastic.”

“Alice has her own way of looking at things,” he said through tight lips.

“And you’re not going to explain that, are you?”

A moment of wordless communication passed between us. He realized that I knew he was keeping something from me. I realized that he wasn’t going to give anything away. Not now.

*crosses fingers* C’monnnn lesbian vampire. C’mon!

Edward mentions that Carlisle told him with mental morse-code that Alice has seen visions of other vampires coming to visit. Holy freaking crap–is this a plot I see forming?  Edward assures Bella that he won’t let the new vamps eat her because he’s saving her for later. He finishes his song (which is not, much to a friend’s chargin, “B is for Bella, that’s good enough for me,”) and Bella cries a single tear. Quick as anything, Edward catches it on his finger and… tastes it.

He tastes her tears! Good God. Do tears sustain him too?

Edward takes her on a brief tour, which happens to pass by an enormous old cross. Bella questions it (I guess it is sort of ironic) and Edward begins telling the beginning of Carlisle’s background story.

Carlisle was born in the 1600s, in London, to an Anglican pastor who enjoyed hunting witches. Carl, somehow, had a talent for finding real witches, werewolves, and vampires, which of course leads him to his undeath. He assembles a mob (complete with pitchforks) to corner a vampire, and the vampire, predictably, eats a bunch of them. Carl is bit and left for dead. When he comes to, he realizes what he’s become.

Could this be the start of his bizarre need to play house with young people? I have to start another chapter before I can find out!

Chapter Nine drives like a maniac because it is psychic

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 53, not counting the ones used in all the terrible, terrible dialogue.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is… you know, I don’t know if I even care any more.

The list of manpire powers grows ever more ridiculous.

Edward drives Bella home from Port Angeles. Normally, it’s about an hour’s drive, but Edward is cruising along in the Volvopire at a hefty 100mph. Bella freaks out on him, and he just rolls his eyes. Women, always with the backseat driving. He casually explains to her that since he can read minds and all, he never gets in accidents, and he never gets tickets–because he can hear the thoughts of any cops around him, so he knows to slow down in time.

Duh.

There is more stilted conversation regarding exactly what the hell Edward is. Bella confesses that she doesn’t fear him at all, which Edward seems to take like a shark hearing the sea lion say “I really don’t believe you’re going to devour my entrails.” There is more talk of how dangerous he is and how he’s a monster and he might totally eat her and stuff, oooh aren’t you frightened. Bella disarms him by saying that Jacob informed her that the Cullens don’t eat people, only animals. (Which brings up the joke that apparently since the Cullens eat animals, they call themselves vegetarians. Uh, what?) Edward is disappointed that his facade of murdering deadly deadliness has been given away, so he tries even harder to convince her of really terribly frightening he is, complete with talking about how maybe they really just shouldn’t see each other, for real this time. He backs this up with more thinly-veiled insults to her competence, stating that he was horrified she was going to get herself killed at the beach, and that after tonight he clearly needs to monitor her safety more  so he can eat her later.

They finally get to her freaking house, after killing me softly with their “sexual tension,” and Bella gets out to leave. She’s been wearing Edward’s jacket this whole time, sniffing it when he’s not looking (something I honestly would do if the guy smelled as good as Edward is probably supposed to). As Edward leans closer to say good night to her, his breath catches her in the face and she realizes that that is the smell on his jacket.

That’s right. Vampires exhale Axe Body Spray.

We are left with the pivotal quote of the book:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how potent that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

D’aww. Wait, don’t you two basically have nothing in common? And haven’t we heard nothing of what Edward looks like other than his dead white skin, brown hair, and dazzling angelic strikingly gorgeous befuddlingly elegant smouldering good looks? And hasn’t he basically been stalking you for more than half a year? And isn’t he… you know… dead?

And doesn’t he want to freaking eat you?

Chapter Two, freaking dull

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: A whopping 92. I believe this is a new high score.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a tepid 5 and a half. (She hates snow. Maybe she’s not so bad after all.)

When we last left our “intrepid” “heroine,” she was near tears because a boy was so totally mean to her at school.

Never fear! Edward apparently had a rough party night and doesn’t show up to school for the next few days. As a result, Bella gets her head out of her ass and starts making some freaking friends (and starts trying to figure out how to snub Mike, who clearly likes her. Why she is considering this, I have no idea, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mike).

Then she makes some dinner.

Uh. It’s pretty boring.

BUT WAIT just when Bella was starting to act like an actual real person, EDWARD COMES BACK TO SCHOOL, DUN DUN DUN. Like a conman, he’s acting like the first day never happened, and is all winning smiles and charming conversation. Some choice words used to describe him at this point are “musical,” “enchanting,” “beautiful,” and, of course, “dazzling.” Never mind that he was nearly giving her panic attacks a moment ago thanks to her social phobia bizarre teenage priorities, suddenly he is dreamy!

We find out that Bella has moved to the much-hated Forks because… her mom remarried to a man who likes to move around a lot, and Bella has committed a noble self-sacrifice by moving out of her mom’s house so she can move around with her new husband. I guess? She tells all this to Edward because he’s as charming as a sociopath. She also takes time to notice that his eyes have changed color. That’s right! His eyes change color. Stephenie, this is internet fanfiction. Internet fanfiction, Stephenie.

When Bella leaves school, Edward is hanging outside his car just staring at her. Just staring.

Some call it stalking, but I call it love.