Archive for the New Moon Category

Epilogue

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Aaauuuugghh

I was content to play Puzzle Pirates until my skull turned as soft and porous as a Sara Lee spongecake, but will my mother settle for anything less than me continuing to read this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said before, about… whoa, wow, more than a week ago (can you guys really blame me?), there is an epilogue to this story. It really is more like an additional chapter. I’m not sure what sets epilogues apart from honest-to-God chapters, but then, neither, apparently, does Stephenie.

So, okay, the epilogue.

Everything goes back to normal a la a 30-minute sitcom. Math is still really hard. Bella’s friends still think she’s a loser. Edward is forcing Bella to go to college (for her own good). We are treated to a small aside about how, of course, Edward has already gone to Harvard, so he doesn’t need to go to a particularly prestigious college this year–wonderful for everyone since Bella has no goals whatsoever and will probably end up shuffling her way to community college.

Already been to Harvard? Why the hell is he even bothering with high school anymore? Is he really just doing it to pick up girls 90 years his junior? (blegh)

There’s thinly veiled plot mechanisms, and then there’s Stephenie Meyer’s writing.

Bella and Jacob are no longer BFF, and I say, good for him. He’s not returning her phone calls, and Bella is wondering “oh no was it something I did,” which we all know the answer to: yes yes a thousand times yes. Bella waits until Edward is kicked out every night (by a “grimly gleeful” Charlie) to make her calls to Jacob, because Edward gets an angry (dare I say, jealous) look on his face any time she mentions Jacob’s name. This is because he wants to protect her, and it has nothing to do with possessiveness or his need to control her. I swear.

The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

That doesn’t come until Breaking Dawn, as many of you know. A minor spoiler for those of you who don’t know–the only reason Jacob has been so madly in love with Bella is because he is actually the destined soulmate of her dhampyr “half-vampire” daughter.

Yes. I’m serious. He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

So, in short, Bella will marry Edward, have his baby, and Jacob will get the consolation prize–the baby. The only reason I have the will to continue reading this crap is to get to the shining paragon of übercrap that is Breaking Dawn.

Anyway, where was I. No longer BFF. Bella throws a snit in front of Edward on the way home over it, and he tries to convince her that it’s not her they hate. Right, no. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly be Bella that’s the problem here. Everyone freaking loves Bella.

When they get home, Charlie is in a rage, and there in the driveway is Jacob’s truck with the two bicycles in it. Oh man, he totally told Daddy on her. Bella is livid, and, because she is a girl, starts crying. Oh my gosh, Jacob is like so totally mean! Yeah, she more or less says that.

I could never imagine Jacob could be so petty and just plain mean.

Welcome to breaking someone’s heart, you stupid slut.

So um, they have a yelling match. Edward keeps Bella behind him at all times, to “protect” her. Bella accuses Jacob of wanting Charlie to have a heartattack just like Harry–there’s the manipulative girl we’ve come to know and love. Edward does the floundering plot a favor and reads Jacob’s mind–Jacob turned in the bikes and tattled on Bella in the hopes that she would get grounded from seeing Edward. This impressive leap of logic brought to you by: teenagers.

Bella whines that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t come to La Push to complain at him for not taking her calls. Jacob is all “oh, uh, oops,” and Edward, once again, violates the poor kid’s privacy by reading his mind.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

Not exactly a stretch, considering later Edward does just exactly this. Edward then decides to do the chivalrous thing and thank Jacob for taking care of Bella while he was gone. I had an ex pull this once and it pissed me off more than anything else–I don’t need a man to “take care of me,” and neither, for that matter, should Bella. But since she is a character written by Stephenie Meyer she absolutely depends on men to rescue her from something as mundane as a God damn paper cut, so I guess chivalry is alive after all.

Jacob also takes the time to warn Edward that the treaty means that if he bites a mortal–say, oh, I don’t know, his girlfriend–then the treaty is off and it’s werewolves vs. vampires time. Oh nooo dear God I hope that actually happens. These books are so freaking lame and boring a good old fashioned fight scene might do us some good.

Edward and Jacob fight over who’s going to kill Victoria (who has disappeared, by the way. She was the “villain” of this “book” and wasn’t in a single freaking scene), and Charlie roars and shouts for Bella. She pauses before running off to accept her punshiment so she can look at Jacob with big, wet eyes and say “You pwomised we’d still be fwiends.” Edward pulls her away, and even Bella notes that it’s in restraint instead of protection. Everybody shouts for a while.

Uh, yeah. Jacob finally leaves, and Edward and Bella go to Charlie. Uh.

The end.

Wow.

Well.

I, uh. That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.

I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.

Advertisements

Formal apology and retraction

Posted in New Moon, Recap on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I would like to issue a formal apology and retract my statement in the previous entry,

Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

Pringles are actually quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. They also come in a handy, inobtrusive package, which can double as a tennis ball holder.

Edward Cullen, on the other hand, is flat, boring, and will not hold your balls for you.

I hope Procter & Gamble will forgive my attempts at humor at the expense of their tasty snack food.

My Conundrum

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags on June 16, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You may be wondering why the recap of the last chapter (and following epilogue) are so late in coming. Well, I have some heavy news to relate, and something to get off my chest.

The thing is, folks, that the final chapter and epilogue of New Moon are… well… they’re just so good. I never expected it. They wrap the book up–and even the loose ends of Twilight, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn (an interesting feat, given they hadn’t been written yet)–in such an utterly sublime way that I am completely at a loss for words. I’ve had to retract everything terrible I’ve ever said about the Twilight Saga, Stephenie Meyer, and all their wonderful Mormon fans. “Vote” of New Moon single-handedly saves the series. The love scene alone would have done it for me–who would have thought Emmett and Victoria were hiding such a torrid affair–but add in to it the shocker of Carlisle and Esme’s divorce, Jasper’s outing as a transexual, and Bella’s final understand of the Cosmic Truth–that all things are inherently vampire, and to become a vampire is to reach enlightenment–and we have something approaching literary masterpiece. And then, the finale! the brutal murder of Edward by multiple stake-wounds to the heart! Are there vampire hunters in this universe? I hope Eclipse will enlighten me!

The characters of Esme and Jasper–sorry, Jasmine–have grown a great deal in just the span of twenty pages. Esme as the tragic “traditional” woman, trapped for eternity in the age she was created in, and trying to find her way in the new century–simply brilliant. And Jasmine’s new-found sexuality, and the challenge in helping other vampires to understand her unique lifestyle choice… I’m just speechless at the sudden turn in quality of writing and plot here.

I’m not sure what to do, guys. The last chapter of New Moon has completely changed the way I think.

I don’t think I can keep this blog up anymore.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Let me just say that this chapter reminded me of why I missed Edward.

Bella wakes up, and Edward is still there. She believes she is hallucinating him, or that she has died and somehow Edward is in Heaven? I honestly have no idea. She finally gets herself together long enough to ask what time it is and how long she was sleeping. It’s one in the morning, she was asleep for 14 hours.

So they arrived in Forks at nine in the morning? Then they landed in Sea-Tac at about the same time the sun was rising. Oh I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers.

Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned Edward from the house, on account of Bella going missing for three days… which is probably the only smart thing Charlie has done in almost 1,000 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he pick now to act like her father? I just did the math, btw, and she was gone for two days. But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.

They make small talk, because of course that’s what you do after you rescue your ex-boyfriend from his own suicide. Edward has been tracking Victoria, actually, which leads him into this huge apology about how he should have been paying attention to Victoria’s thoughts that one  day back when they played baseball, because then he’d see that she and James were mates and that obviously she’d want to kill Bella too.

Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing.

Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.

Edward, in a patronizing sort of way (because this is Edward we’re talking about) asks if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.

“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“So what if I was dead?”

That’s what I’m saying!

Edward takes this moment again to insult her (“Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”). Uh, yeah, Ed, we all do. “I don’t want you. I’m tired of being human. Yadda yadda.” How could we possibly freaking forget after the 500 pages of hole-talk.

So Edward finally owns up and admit that he was lying when he said all that. SHOCK!! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he’d never get rid of her, and she’d never understand that he was dumping her to protect her, so he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course.

Then things get… well, as messed up as only Edward can make it.

“I lied, and I’m so sorry–sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.

“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault.

God, Edward, I missed you.

He shakes her some, and says “Bella, really, what were you thinking?” and she starts crying.

Good God all the Twitards were right, this really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her.

I will never find true love like this!

Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out.

Oh, the Volturi come back up. Here we go! Edward insists that the Volturi are not a problem, because we count years like they count seconds, and they probably won’t remember Bella before she turns thirty.

Bella flips the hell out. THIRTY?! BUT… BUT THAT’S SO OLD!! Not even joking, guys, look:

“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay? But let me get all old anyway? Right.”

Thirty–It’s All Old.

“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.

He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

“That is seriously…” I looked for the right word. “Sick.”

Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick.

Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Ugh, God, where  was I.

Oh, twenty-two. This should be easy.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are escorted to the lobby, and instructed not to leave until night. No idea why. We’ve managed to avoid sparkles thus far. Bella starts to sob (BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN), and Edward has to calm her down (BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.) Gianna, the mortal at the desk, asks if they need anything, and then goes back to ignoring them. Bella asks if she actually knows what’s going on here, and Edward says she does, she’s hoping that they decide to not eat her in the end and turn her to vampirism. Bella is shocked, simply shocked, that a woman could ever possibly want a vampire. Ed kind of gives her a look, but apparently Bella is immune to irony.

She cries some more because Edward’s here~~! and they spend some indeterminate amount of time touching each other until the sun sets. Bella convinces herself that Edward doesn’t want her and is just pretending, because she is as sharp as a wet rag. Eventually a vampire comes out and tells them they’re free to leave now–probably to get all the canoodling out of his office. They get outside, Alice steals yet another car (because stealing from people isn’t against the vampire moral code), and they drive to the airport.

Cue thrilling airplane action. Bella gets a coke to try to stay awake, and Edward disapproves out-loud, because he knows she has a weakness for caffeine. Uh, since when is it not okay for 18-year-olds to drink coke? Oh right. Morrrrrmonnnnnn.

So Bella chugs caffeine to stay awake so she can continue to gaze lovingly at Edward. No, she never asks him what the hell that was all about. Never tries to talk about how he just tried to kill himself. They just pet each other’s faces and gaze.

All of the vampires are waiting for them in Sea-Tac. If I weren’t already bored out of my mind I would do the 20 minutes on Google thing to find out if they arrived during the day. I know Stephenie hasn’t been to Sea-Tac, so she probably doesn’t know that there are huge windows all over the place in this airport. But whatev. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them. Rosalie is all repentant and crap, and Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying. This is actually why I like Rosalie to begin with (FINALLY a character that is not Super Powerful on the Side of Good), but she dismantles all of that by apologizing to Bella. I’m not sure why. What exactly did she do to Bella? Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake?

They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.

WOOOEEEEE that was exciting stuff.

Chapter Twenty-One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.

Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.

They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?

They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.

They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.

Then, Aro appears.

Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.

Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.

Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.

Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.

“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.

Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Caius: Whatever.

Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.

Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”

Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.

I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.

Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?

Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.

Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!

Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…

Nothing happens.

Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?

Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?

Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.

Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.

Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.

Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.

Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.

They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.

…Okay, I have a question.

Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?

Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.

Chapter Twenty

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I am powerful hungover. Forgive me my lack of the usual subtlety and written finesse.

CHAPTER TWENTY IS BAD AND STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD FEEL BAD.

Surprise surprise, since there is a festival going on in Volterra, traffic is a major pain. This leaves room for Bella to notice how close to noon it’s getting, and moan Alice’s name a lot. No, really.

“Alice,” I moaned. […]

“Alice,” I whispered urgently.

See? The fanfic practically writes itself.

Red is the theme for the festival of Saint Marcus. And vampire fangs. Yeah, I know. Alice bribes the guy at the gate with some cash–a fat roll with a thousand dollar bill on the outside, to be exact. Never mind that the US Treasury stopped distributing $1,000 bills in 1969, and that these bills were primarily used for bank transfers before there were electronic devices to facilitate such things. No, Alice has a thousand dollar bill–and she’s just handing them out. That’s how important it is to find Edward!

Before you say “Maybe it was $1,000 Italian?”, Italy switched to the euro in 2002, and those only go to €500. Again, five minutes on Google would have explained all of this. Why didn’t Alice just hand him a thick roll of Benjamins? Why the useless inclusion of a thousand dollar bill there is no way she would have?

And for that matter, there is a big show of how she has to put on a glove to hand him the money, to keep from glittering all over the place. How did she manage to steal the Porsche? Was it waiting in a shady grove for her? Did she keep an umbrella over her at all times?

So, of course, the guard lets Lucy and Ethel through. Alice makes some comment about “They’re everywhere!” and urges Bella to run for the Palazzo del Priori, because she’s only got two minutes to keep Edward from outing himself.

Ah, then follows four pages of Bella intensely trying to push her way through a crowd of celebrating Italians. Woo. She finally sees him standing in the shadow of an alleyway, shirtless, eyes closed, arms spread, ready to get out there and be dazzling.

Well, thankfully for everyone, Bella slams into him just before he can join the festivities. How many people wouldn’t have thought he was just in costume? That he’d poured glitter all over himself? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s just so supernaturally beautiful that of course everyone would realize he must not be human. Which only leaves vampires, duh.

Edward opens his eyes, sees Bella in his arms, and promptly assumes he’s dead. If only, big guy.

It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole.

Aww that’s so stupid and unhealthy I could just send you a card and ask to be your bridesmaid at the wedding. Should I bring my own mountain lion, or will the reception be catered?

Edward quotes Romeo or something and I nearly barf. No, really, hangover, remember? Bella finally gets the dumbass to realize that they’re not dead but they’re going to be soon because the Volturi are still around. Two robed goons appear, and Edward throws Bella against the wall and braces himself against her. To protect her, I’m sure. They make thinly veiled threats at each other before demanding that Edward come with them, and bring the cheeseburger, too. Then Alice shows up, and there’s uh, some more useless posturing, before a little girl vampire appears and demands everyone follow her.

This is pretty intense, you guys.

Alice catches Edward up via telepathy as they walk. They are led to a manhole. Alice drops down first, ready to catch Bella. Of course, this scares the piss out of Bella, because she is absolutely freaking useless.

I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the darkness, scrunching them together in terror, clamping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t scream.

Good lord, what? You know, when you close your eyes “against the darkness,” it’s still just as dark. Also, I can’t be the only one tired of Bella’s screaming. I bet The Joy of Painting would give her nightmares.

They are led through the tunnel. Bella panics because omg it’s sooooo dark. Edward keeps his arms around her and kisses her in places while no one is looking. Bella convinces herself it’s just guilt, because obviously he doesn’t want her, obviously.

The path beneath our feet continued to slant downward, taking us deeper into the ground, and it made me claustrophobic. Only Edward’s hand, soothing against my face, kept me from screaming out loud.

GOOD FREAKING GOD, WOULD YOU TAKE A VALIUM AND RELAX ALREADY

They get to a door and oh man what could possibly be on the other side. A psychologist, maybe? Some nice men with a white jacket for Bella to wear? A grizzly?