Chapter Twenty

I am powerful hungover. Forgive me my lack of the usual subtlety and written finesse.

CHAPTER TWENTY IS BAD AND STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD FEEL BAD.

Surprise surprise, since there is a festival going on in Volterra, traffic is a major pain. This leaves room for Bella to notice how close to noon it’s getting, and moan Alice’s name a lot. No, really.

“Alice,” I moaned. […]

“Alice,” I whispered urgently.

See? The fanfic practically writes itself.

Red is the theme for the festival of Saint Marcus. And vampire fangs. Yeah, I know. Alice bribes the guy at the gate with some cash–a fat roll with a thousand dollar bill on the outside, to be exact. Never mind that the US Treasury stopped distributing $1,000 bills in 1969, and that these bills were primarily used for bank transfers before there were electronic devices to facilitate such things. No, Alice has a thousand dollar bill–and she’s just handing them out. That’s how important it is to find Edward!

Before you say “Maybe it was $1,000 Italian?”, Italy switched to the euro in 2002, and those only go to €500. Again, five minutes on Google would have explained all of this. Why didn’t Alice just hand him a thick roll of Benjamins? Why the useless inclusion of a thousand dollar bill there is no way she would have?

And for that matter, there is a big show of how she has to put on a glove to hand him the money, to keep from glittering all over the place. How did she manage to steal the Porsche? Was it waiting in a shady grove for her? Did she keep an umbrella over her at all times?

So, of course, the guard lets Lucy and Ethel through. Alice makes some comment about “They’re everywhere!” and urges Bella to run for the Palazzo del Priori, because she’s only got two minutes to keep Edward from outing himself.

Ah, then follows four pages of Bella intensely trying to push her way through a crowd of celebrating Italians. Woo. She finally sees him standing in the shadow of an alleyway, shirtless, eyes closed, arms spread, ready to get out there and be dazzling.

Well, thankfully for everyone, Bella slams into him just before he can join the festivities. How many people wouldn’t have thought he was just in costume? That he’d poured glitter all over himself? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s just so supernaturally beautiful that of course everyone would realize he must not be human. Which only leaves vampires, duh.

Edward opens his eyes, sees Bella in his arms, and promptly assumes he’s dead. If only, big guy.

It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole.

Aww that’s so stupid and unhealthy I could just send you a card and ask to be your bridesmaid at the wedding. Should I bring my own mountain lion, or will the reception be catered?

Edward quotes Romeo or something and I nearly barf. No, really, hangover, remember? Bella finally gets the dumbass to realize that they’re not dead but they’re going to be soon because the Volturi are still around. Two robed goons appear, and Edward throws Bella against the wall and braces himself against her. To protect her, I’m sure. They make thinly veiled threats at each other before demanding that Edward come with them, and bring the cheeseburger, too. Then Alice shows up, and there’s uh, some more useless posturing, before a little girl vampire appears and demands everyone follow her.

This is pretty intense, you guys.

Alice catches Edward up via telepathy as they walk. They are led to a manhole. Alice drops down first, ready to catch Bella. Of course, this scares the piss out of Bella, because she is absolutely freaking useless.

I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the darkness, scrunching them together in terror, clamping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t scream.

Good lord, what? You know, when you close your eyes “against the darkness,” it’s still just as dark. Also, I can’t be the only one tired of Bella’s screaming. I bet The Joy of Painting would give her nightmares.

They are led through the tunnel. Bella panics because omg it’s sooooo dark. Edward keeps his arms around her and kisses her in places while no one is looking. Bella convinces herself it’s just guilt, because obviously he doesn’t want her, obviously.

The path beneath our feet continued to slant downward, taking us deeper into the ground, and it made me claustrophobic. Only Edward’s hand, soothing against my face, kept me from screaming out loud.

GOOD FREAKING GOD, WOULD YOU TAKE A VALIUM AND RELAX ALREADY

They get to a door and oh man what could possibly be on the other side. A psychologist, maybe? Some nice men with a white jacket for Bella to wear? A grizzly?

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28 Responses to “Chapter Twenty”

  1. Maybe Bella just can’t count. She’s certainly dumb enough when it comes to everything else.

    In re: The Joy of Painting, all I can think is “happy little vampires.”

  2. Softspoken Says:

    On the subject of the stolen car, mayhaps it was magically (or SMeyer-ly*) night-time when they arrived.

    *The adverbs are infesting my brain! Get ’em out!

  3. “They get to a door and oh man what could possibly be on the other side.”

    The polar bear from Lost?

  4. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    What’s behind that door? Part of me is sincerely hoping for a Broadway musical type scene full of vampires since they’re all practically sequined already…

    • Softspoken Says:

      A technicoloured, light up floor? Perfect for disco!

      • “Go, go, go vampires, you know what they saaaaaaay! Go, go, go, vampires, please kill Bella todaaaaaay! Sha-la-la vampires you sparkle and shine, which is totally reasonable, vamps do that all the tiiiiiiiiime!”

  5. There had better be psychologist grizzly bears with a white jacket for Bella behind that door.

  6. Was Alice wearing a ski mask the whole time? Because she made a big show of putting on gloves when she handed over the money, I mean, was she standing in a shadow and just stretched her hand out? Wearing an elaborate broad-brimmed goin’-to-church hat? Or does the sparkling just not happen on vampires’ faces because it would mess with their beautiful beautyness, be inconvenient, or, I dunno, MAKE SENSE?

    • Softspoken Says:

      She was wearing stage make-up.

      Wait, couldn’t they do that ALL the time? Wear skin-coloured body paint? Hmm…

  7. Forsakentale Says:

    So every couple in this series is: 1- straight; 2- OMG SOOOO meant to be!!; and 3- with a dominant/strong male? (yeah right, the little girl probably can be bitchslaped by her tr00 wuv, don’t tell me she’s powerful)
    SMeyer writes like a kid playing Lego: same structure, different wigs.

    • 1) Bella/Edward is a lie. Alice is totally a lesbopire. She just didn’t want to move in on Edward’s cheeseburger, so she’s just been trying to break them up from day one. Notice how she’s always so much nicer to Bella than Eddie is, and is always so huggy? And that whole “Bella died so go kill yourself Edward” thing was just a ploy to get him out of the picture.

      2) See above. Bella/Edward is a lie. He’s been crushing on Emmett for years, but Emmett didn’t want an emopire for a boyfriend. And why do you think Jasper is always so depressed and withdrawn? It’s because he’s miserable, and totally not getting any from Alice at home. Since she’s a lesbopire and all. And Rosalie’s bitchiness is for the same reason.

      3) Edward is definitely the dominant one in his relationship. Alice seems to be seriously underestimated because she’s so omg totally dainty and feminine. But I think Emmett is almost well matched with Rosalie. He may be the strongest physically, but she’s got attitude. And sense. After all, she’s the only one smart enough to hate Bella.

      Omg Twilight Legos. Don’t give the toy companies ideas.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Amem to 1) sister! I do agree. Somewhere, deep down inside SMeyer just KNOWS she created a lesbopire. She can feel it.
        As for 2) Rose’s totally jealous because she and Alice have this hardcore sex-filled uber-sexy affair…. but then came Bella…
        Again, I agree about Rose on 3), nobody puts Rosalie in a corner! But then, I believe SMeyer tries to show every male as a power source… Rose is bitchy and hard headed and get her way with Emmet but he’s still the stronger for the stronger female vamp on the clan…. Alice has the capacity to help her male counterpart emotionally, yet again, physically, Jasper is stronger (he was an overpower soldier and stuff). Then there’s that werewolf girl, Clearwater Something (forgive me, I know I’ll like her later…), she’s strong and capable… so much that she’s by herself. She couldn’t have a male wuv of her life. For me, SMeyer’s reminding me of a story some priest read to my class when I was a kid, about a strong woman who was evil and alone, and all the passive and nice girls had a husband, the end.
        I like your point of view on the book tho’ ;D

      • Forsakentale Says:

        (It seems I had a small problem with my bold tag ;x)

      • Wait til you find out the real reason Rosalie hates Bella.

        You won’t like her so much.

  8. Moonshade Says:

    You left out my favorite part!

    Endless pages of Bella screaming “EEEEEEEDDDDDDWWWWWAAAAAARRRRDDDD!”

    Over. And Over. Again.

    Which, you know, you’d think he’d hear her. Or maybe the Italian cops would arrest the lady for disturbing their festival.

  9. soranomukou Says:

    GAIZ IT’S RONG

    YAH BECUZ ANGRI HOMO KID SAIZ SO

  10. If darkness scares Bella that much, I can’t imagine how she sleeps at night.

    Oh, right. Meyer.

  11. Is it just me or does she scream more than the main subject in Munch’s Scream painting?

    Will someone just push SMeyer off a cliff already?

  12. oi vey, Bella. wow. im just….wow.

  13. that-one-person Says:

    And about that $1000 bill…no one questions that it’s fake??? I mean, it’s totally normal to have $1000 bills laying under your matress…in your pockets….totally normal you guys

  14. BEST RECAP YET! I ADORED IT! haha i’m still laughing, you should write more hungover!

  15. About quoting romeo and juliet.
    “these violent delights have violent endings”
    Because romeo and juliet die.
    Why is the quote used in for the book? How is it related? Bella being in depression for months but that is over when edward comes back or what im not sure what this was about but please meyer stop randomly quoting shakespear to look more smart, it does the opposite.

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