Archive for just have sex already

Chapter Eight

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Oh snap, time for a recap. How was all my American readship’s Labor Day weekend? And a shout-out to my readers in southern British Columbia–how many of y’all crossed the border to shop in Target? Don’t lie to me I know you did.

Edward creep-o-meter: Shrinking back down to a five.

Good Lord.

Bella and Jacob slouch about the res. She asks about the latest pack gossip.

I’ll give you a moment to steel yourselves.

Jacob is reluctant to share, but eventually admits that one of the Quilbry has Impressed–er, imprinted on someone. Emily had two nieces visiting and Quil um, took a liking to Claire.

Why is this so weird?

Claire is two years old.

Even Bella, head-trauma Bella, scream and faint Bella, blatant violator of helmet laws Bella, falls-in-love-with-psychopaths Bella, Bella has the good sense to see that this is, well, illegal.

“But she’s a baby,” I protested.

He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”

Dude you are talking about a two-year-old ugh ugh ugh oh my God there is not enough bleach for my bath water to get the dirt off

Jacob accuses Bella of being judgmental (!) and insists that it won’t be sexual until Claire is legal breeding stock. Until then Quil will just be “the best, kindest big brother” ever.

So, essentially, Quil is just waiting for the toddler to ripen. God damn you, Stephenie.

Bella, stupidly, asks when Jacob will impress, and he’s all “NEVER pout pout pout.” God, this girl is dumb. Coincidentally, that would be an interesting turn of events, in a soul-mate-enabled-world–if your soul mate is madly in love with a terrifying, sociopathic monster, and you know she’s the only one for you but you can never have her. I sort of empathize with Jake here. Um, aside from him blowing off the pedophilia aaauugh God

They ride bikes. They go back to his place. They have a soda and they bond.  Jake asks if Bella was serious about that whole “becoming undead” thing, and she affirms. Oh, no, but is this goodbye, not-boyfriend? Sniffle tear.

“Why? We still have a few years. Can’t we be friends until we’re out of time?”

“Years? No, Jake, not years.” I shook my heard, and laughed once without humor. “Weeks is more accurate.”

Jacob flips out.

There’s a couple of paragraphs of him quivering, blurring, spilling soda, clenching teeth, etc, and I’m hoping for some really awesome, honest-to-God action here, but… he calms himself down. Damn. Okay. Well, on the bright side, this means there’s not a single stupid thing for Edward to worry about and he’s still a smothering jackass.

Jacob insists he’d rather Bella were dead than, you know, one of Satan’s army. This is like SO MEAN and stuff so she leaves, for like, EVER!

Instead of riding her bike back home, safe from her jailers, she rides back to Chez Cullen. What the hell? She is all “DON’T WANNA TALK MMMMOOOOPPPPPE” and stalks off to Edward’s room, to defiantly sleep on his couch.

She wakes up in the bed, with Edward. Eeeyyyikes, it’s like those “Wake Up With the King” commercials. Of course, now that he’s here, and so wonderful and perfect and dazzling, she forgets to be angrier than grizzly bears or whatever stupid thing she threatened earlier.

They make out. Uh. No, wait, yeah! This is actual making out! He wraps one of her legs around him, they roll around on the bed. It’s actually kind of hot, aside from the fact that he’s cold and dead (ew).

I guess the “no tongue-kissing” rule is off.

Bella actually asks this, all “oh did you change your mind about withholding sex from me?” He basically tells her “don’t be silly, I would never have sex with you, I just wanted to be a gigantic tease.” Well, okay, actually he says “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

Don’t get carried away.

That’s the sound of my face hitting my desk repeatedly.

They talk about sex for a full page, without ever actually mentioning it. Yes, just like the first and last time they discussed it in Twilight, this is a page full of eyebrow-wiggling, elbow-nudging, and bush-skirting. In more ways than one.

Edward extricates himself from the naughty dirty “sex” situation (he might be forced to admit that he has no interest in vaginas), by apologizing for… wait.

No, this… really? I can’t believe it. He apologizes for being a smothering jackass. He is now 100% okay with her having friends. This confuses and somehow infuriates me.  We get this chapter where all in one, a. Jacob is a “jerk”, b. Edward is suddenly caring and supportive. What gives?

Bella confesses that Jacob said he’d rather see her dead than as an abhorrent creature of evil. Edward apologizes, and offers to kill him. I’m not even joking. He’s all “oh well I can slip up in my self-control a little bit and kill him for you, if you really want.” Her response is to go “Oh, you!” and try to have sex with him again.

This is just twisted.

Let’s see, she propositions Edward  for sex for the third time of the night, he declines once again (because he is a homoseI mean gentleman), and she asks him about the pretty vampires he had absolutely no interest in while he was visiting Alaska (because he is homoseI mean very particular about women). He reassures her that nothing happened, he never nailed any of them, and Tanya was merely stupefyingly beautiful. Not at all like his perfect, pale, clumsy, whiny, empty-headed, teary-eyed little Bella. Tanya probably had too much of a free will and identity for him.

He sings her to sleep. Because he is the perfect man and not at all boring and we should all aspire to fall in love with a creep just like him.

I love the satisfying sound this book makes when I slam it shut in total contempt.

Chapter Two

Posted in Eclipse, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Edward creep-o-meter: 9

I went to the Significant Other’s folk’s place for our American Independence Day Food and Explosions Extravaganza, wearing my “And Then Buffy Staked Edward, The End” shirt. It turns out that Mikael’s aunt and cousin both feel exactly the same way we here at House Vampirely do. Getting into a very passionate discussion with two accomplished readers/writers from the family was exhilarating. We also got to bore the living daylights out of Mikael and his father.

The perils of living with a woman who has made a career of hating Twilight.

Chapter two is ratcheting up the creepy. And by the end of this recap, you’ll know why.

Bella goes to school. We, of course, want to hear all about this, and how she spends her time with the most perfect person on the planet (her exact words, not mine in the least). Everybody is panicking about this being their last year at high school, except for Alice and Edward. Good Lord, who knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids. Given that Edward has “done the Dartmouth route” already, I’m not even really sure why he’s bothering with high school at this point. Wait, did I cover this already? I think this book is actively making me stupider.

Angela, her boyfriend B… uh, Bill… no… Ben! Right, another mortal we don’t care about. Angela, her boyfriend Ben, Alice, Edward, and Bella have lunch. They talk about senioritis. Bella mentions she’s free of grounding now. Angela and her should totally hang. Alice wants to party in another country. It’s wacky, completely enthralling hijinx all around.

Alice starts to have a vision in the middle of a conversation. The fact that Alice just completely checks out for minutes at a time doesn’t seem to bother the mortals in the least. Alice just says she was “daydreaming,” and she and Edward discuss things telepathically, without filling Bella in.

Bella enters Supreme Paranoia Mode.

Edward seems to avoid alone time with her for the rest of the day, clearly to avoid her questions. Wait. I’m not sure if I’m even being sarcastic anymore. On the one hand, Bella has to make it all about her, and on the other, Edward is a controlling asshole and I wouldn’t put it past him. He even goes so far as to strike up a conversation with Mike “Nothing Wrong With Him” Newton to avoid conversation with Bella. A conversation about cars. Hmm. That’s not suspicious at all.

I love when relationships are based on subterfuge and evasion.

Alice starts talking a mile a minute about how Edward shouldn’t have offered his services to Mike as a mechanic. Apparently, Ed is just not that good of a mechanic. I nearly dropped the book at this point. Something Edward is not absolutely perfect at? This can’t be possible.

“[…] Though I suppose, for Mike’s car, you’ll do. It’s only within the finer tunings of a good Italian sports car that you’re out of your depth.”

Oh, so… okay, it’s not actually a flaw at all. Edward is still better than the average person at auto mechanics.

Sigh.

Alice and Edward continue to have Silent Mind-Bullet Conversations, leaving Bella completely out of the loop. She spends two paragraphs waiting, hoping, and internally whining over Edward not telling her what’s going on–completely missing the fact that she could solve this very readily by just saying “What was Alice’s vision, why are you guys hiding it from me?”

Bella continues to stress and fret and not just ask what’s wrong. Edward continues trying to distract her by making out a little, and talking about random boring things that don’t matter. P.S. kissing Edward is still like making out with a marble statue. That’s hotttt with like a million Ts.

Bella gets an e-mail from her mother. We are treated to a page of Bella narrating how she’s had to take care of her own mother all her life. This is to prove how intelligent and mature she is. In a well-written character, it would also explain why she is so desperate to find someone (like Edward) to control her own life. But we’re not reading about well-written characters, are we?

This is a segue into the inevitable discussion of marriage again. I still do not get how I can be treated to two, 500-page books about how true their love is and how mated their souls are and how other-halvey Edward is, and be forced to swallow the horse crap that is Bella’s new fear of commitment. It’s completely out-of-character–and for someone with no character, that’s saying a lot.

Mom, apparently, got married right out of high school and immediately had a kid. So now she pressures Bella to go to college and wait until she’s “older” to even THINK about marriage. Don’t do what I did! Is this hypocrisy, or trying to live vicariously through your daughter? Neither, because Renée is Bella’s sweet and scatterbrained mother, and we are not allowed to find fault with people that Bella likes.

She has to write something about Jacob in her email. And then she realizes that Edward is standing over her shoulder. Oh but he’s totally not reading her write this email. That would be controlling. He’s actually staring at something in her closet. Sure.

Edward produces the two plane tickets to Florida Bella got for her birthday in the last book. Apparently they’re about to expire, and Edward is, inconceivably, all about going to Florida. Trying to get Bella out of town, are we? Of course, Bella can’t see through this at all. She’s just worried that Charlie is going to throw a fit. And you know he will.

I sighed. “Not this weekend.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to fight with Charlie. Not so soon after he’s forgiven me.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “I think this weekend is perfect.”

I’m just positive he’s not going to try to undermine her decision to not go. He’s very respectful of her wants and wishes–so long as they’re in line with his. Otherwise, it’s Seduce Bella Until She Changes Her Mind time again!

I shook my head. “Another time.”

“You aren’t the only one who’s been trapped in this house, you know.” He frowned at me.

Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.

I laughed out-loud at this part. Edward, selfless? Right, stealing your crap in the last book and leaving you heartbroken was for your own good. Bullying or tricking you into doing things his way is because he’s protecting you.

Also, why the hell is he giving her lip for him being trapped in the house? Did Carlisle ground him to Bella’s bedroom, too?

Bella finally, finally gets around to asking what Alice had seen. It was something to do with Jasper going down south to see the family. Oh. Well. That’s… not at all what Bella or I was expecting. Bella is now chiding herself for being paranoid and assuming the worst. It’s all her fault! It’s not like Edward tried to avoid the subject and still seems to be keeping things from her. No no, she’s the one who needs therapy.

Bella makes Charlie a special dinner to keep him in a good mood with Edward there. Oh my God this is so “beaten housewife” I can hardly stand it. Charlie makes a comment about the Blacks inviting everyone down for some sports party. Bella wonders if Edward will get upset that Charlie is going to be hanging out with werewolves. We all know this is not the case, because Edward has no interest in controlling Charlie.

Edward and Bella get to washing dishes.

“Charlie,” Edward said in a conversational tone.

Charlie stopped in the middle of his little kitchen. “Yeah?”

“Did Bella ever tell you that my parents gave her airplane tickets on her last birthday, so that she could visit Renée?”

Annnnd Edward completely undermines Bella. Are you surprised? Cause I’m freaking surprised.

Charlie seems okay with Bella going to visit her mother, until Edward mentions that he’d be going, too. Charlie shouts, stomps, and does everything but flip a table. (Also, I see my first use of the word “chagrin.” I’ve heard that the misuse of this word gets a little ridiculous, so I’m going to keep track!) Charlie attempts to ground Bella again for… uh, well, nothing at all, actually, and she calls him on it. By threatening to move out.

It’s battle of the nut-jobs!

Bella seems to like this new tactic of “say something shocking and terrible, then immediately follow up with something manipulative and seemingly reasonable.” She drops the “well, when do you want me to move out” card, then, when Charlie’s face turns purple, she sighs and does the whole “Look I’m trying to be reasonable but you can’t just order me around because I’m an adult and I can manipulate you like a pro now.”

Charlie eventually relents. Because he’s a pushover. A big, yelling, gun-toting pushover. She escapes to go to the Cullen Manor.

In the car, Edward insists that Bella has been talking about her mother in her sleep. Worrying about her and such. Bella is surprised at this. I’m just positive Edward isn’t lying in further attempt to get her out of town. But it’s okay if he does it, because he loves her. When she asks him why he had to go and make Charlie mad after she (very reasonably) said she’d have to wait until later, he says this:

“But, clearly, you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf.”

There’s that sweet caring boyfriend we know and love, belittling her so she remembers that she is only so much human chaff, and is, quite frankly, lucky to have such a wonderful perfect guy to hold her hand everywhere she goes.

She asks if this has anything to do with the party at the Black’s place, and he says “Not at all. It wouldn’t matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn’t be going.” Yikes. Bella, miraculously, compares this to how Charlie was talking to her earlier. But she just doesn’t want to fight with Edward :(((

When Bella comes back, sans Edward, Charlie attempts to have The Sex Talk with her. Dad, seriously, the only time sex was even mentioned (and even then, through innuendo and eyebrow-waggling) was in chapter fourteen of Twilight. You have nothing to worry about.

That epic little lols-fest done with, Bella realizes she’s got an hour before Edward will come back to her room. This is just enough time to sneak down to La Push and actually see Jacob.

She is sneaking to La Push to see her friend. She has to sneak to avoid her boyfriend’s wrath. Why do Twilight fans not see the problem with this?

Bella tells Charlie where she’s going, and goes out to her truck, looking over her shoulder the whole way. She puts the key in the ignition, turns it… and nothing happens.

It is at this point that she realizes Edward is sitting next to her in the cab, turning a piece of her engine over and over in his hands.

While he turns this big piece of metal over in his hands in a gesture that isn’t a stretch to describe as threatening, he explains that Alice had a vision wherein Bella’s future disappeared. Naturally, this is because she’s going to go hang out with werewolves.

“Because she can’t see the wolves, you know,” he explained in the same low murmur. “Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs, you disappear, too. You couldn’t know that part, I realize that. But can you understand why that might make me a little… anxious?”

This is not the dialogue of a loving, caring man, who is “anxious” for his lover.

This is the dialogue of a sociopathic creep.

I would expect this in a psychological thriller, in a suspense or mystery novel, something. I would expect this from a sinister person.

But I am expected to believe that this is from the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I am more than a little frightened right now.

He continues to twirl a piece of her truck in his hands, murmuring idly about the nature of werewolves. If I were Bella, I would have started screaming for help at this point, because in not too many novels that engine piece would have ended up embedded in her skull at some point.

“I’ll put your car back together in time for school, in case you’d like to drive yourself,” he assured me after a minute.

Oh well that’s kind of him.

With my lips mashed together, I retrieved my keys and stiffly climbed out of the truck.

“Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand,” he whispered, just before I slammed the door.

Whispering it like that means that he won’t understand, and will hold it against her for later. When he can disable her truck and break a leg or two. To protect her, of course.

Bella slams the door to the house and stomps upstairs. She shouts down to Charlie that her truck won’t start. He offers the use of his police cruiser, which is not in accordance with the law, so she declines.

When she gets to her room, she slams the window shut so hard the glass shakes.

Then, five minutes later, she sighs, gets back up and opens it again.

I have no. Freaking. Words. For this.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”

I THOUGHT CARLISLE SAVED YOU???!

I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?

Wow.

Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.

Chapter Two

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

When we last left our indomitable heroine weak, spiritless little floozy, she was bleeding on the floor of her boyfriend’s family’s home. Awkward.

Emmett forces Jasper outside. Everyone save Alice, Edward, and Carlisle evacuate, covering their noses. My dad used to be able to clear a room like that too, but more because he’d just had chili and less because his blood was so deliciously tempting. Bella opts to have Carlisle stitch her up right then and there rather than taking her to the hospital, because they would, of course, have questions. Thus begins Bella’s practice at hiding the injuries she sustains thanks to Edward. Speaking of which, the marble bastard is brooding and glowering the whole time, before Alice can shoo him off. Then Alice finally can’t take being in Bella’s presence anymore (she’s like an IQ black hole) and vamooses as well.

Leaving Bella and Carlisle alone in the room.

Now, it’s a well known and proven fact that if you’re a young person, and even just a little bit pretty, and Carlisle is alone with you, he’s basically going to bite you. Because he wants to “save” you. In this case, I think Carl is waiting for Ed to do the job. Maybe he’s hoping that all that time Ed spent alone in his room, listening to classical music, working tirelessly on his hair, showing no interest in girls, was just a phase.

Yes, that’s why the Cullens are so thrilled with Bella. She’s not a boy.

Bella and Carlisle have a nice little chat while he picks shards of glass out of her arm and sews her back up. They end up having a philosophical, semi-religious conversation about whether or not vampires go to hell, or even have souls. Carlisle, it seems, has been working for centuries at deluding himself into think that if he just tries hard enough, he can overcome being damned. Sorry, bud, it really doesn’t work that way.  Especially when your “doing good” is convincing yourself that damning other people along with you–children for that matter–is a swell idea.

Edward, it turns out, believes that vampires don’t have souls. Which I guess is why he doesn’t want to bite Bella. I’m not sure how much a bad thing this is for her. She’s been hollowed out completely and the only thing left inside is a note saying “IOU a personality — Stephenie.”

Anyway, Carlisle recalls the story of Edward and his parents dying of the flu back in 19-I don’t give a crap-00. Ed’s mom went first, but before she went, she grabbed Carlisle by the arm and demanded that he save her son. “You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.” Carlisle convinces himself that she knew about his “gift,” and so, he dragged Edward’s body out through the morgue, while the kid was still barely alive, spirited him off to his sanctum or wherever the hell Carl was living, and bit the crap out of him.

Now, here’s what really happened in my mind. Carlisle has been alive for near 300 years. He’s losing it. He’s a carnivore on a vegetarian diet. He’s lonely as hell. He sees a dying mother with her attractive dying son, and thinks I want one! Mom dies, demanding that Carl save her son, like any mother would, and Carlisle, in his already warped mind, hears her begging him to bite Edward. Well, shucks! She wants him to vamp Ed up. Steal the near-dead body of a young man, chew on him in various places, wait a few days, and bam! Carlisle has his own special family now, just like he always wanted.

See, if it were actually written like that, this would be a very different blog.

Edward comes back, still brooding and stone-like. They get Bella a new, non-blood stained shirt, agreeing that Charlie probably won’t notice. I’d be outraged, but they’re probably right. Charlie is a pretty terrible dad. Jasper is beating himself up for almost killing Bella (dude, I would have given you a prize if you’d pulled it off) and Alice is trying to be there for him. Mama Esme is mopping the floors with undiluted bleach. I’m not so sure that’s good for hardwood flooring, but whatev. She does it with such straight-forward efficiency that I wonder if this isn’t the first bloodbath she’s ever had to mop up.

Esme and Carlisle have a ridiculously sordid life, in my mind. I keep that fanfic idea shelved next to “Bella ditches Edward and explores the forbidden with Alice.”

Someday, ff.net. Someday.

Edward drives Bella home and begins the painful process of breaking up with her. She’s an idiot and completely codependent, so she has no idea that’s what he’s trying to do.

“Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up–and he wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.”

“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?” I demanded.

“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,” he growled.

“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton,” I protested. “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.”

Oh good Lord.

They finally get to the house and stop freaking talking. Charlie is still watching the game. He actually manages to notice that she’s favoring her arm.

“What happened to your arm?”

I flushed and cursed silently. “I tripped. It’s nothing.”

“I tripped. And fell down the stairs. And hit the doorknob. He loves me okay HE LOVES ME!!

Dad Charlie buys it, Bella goes up to her room, and Edward is… still brooding. Sheesh. He brought the last two presents, one of which is a pair of plane tickets to Jacksonville care of Emse and Carlisle. The other is from Edward, and is a mix-CD of songs he wrote himself. Awwwwww he’s such a sweet tortured beast. He gets her some tylenol. She asks what he’s thinking. This is intense stuff, you guys.

They kiss, because, you know, they’re teenagers in bed. This time, Edward goes for the Forbidden Open-Mouth Kiss, breaking all his carefully established, control-enhancing rules for celibacy preventing Bella from getting nom’d. She’s all “YES YES I WANT TO DO IT WITH A DEAD GUY” when he finally pushes her away. Edward is, if I may, a cockbite. Bella seriously needs a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

My personal favorite  chapter is the one about “He’s just not that into you if he won’t have sex with you.” I believe the chapter ends on a picture of a flag, and says “Here’s a flag. Color it red. There’s your red flag.”

Wait, I’m reading New Moon. Uh, let’s see… open mouth kissing, Bella writhes around, Edward disengages. Hmm, for some reason, Edward is breathless after this. Even though he doesn’t need to breathe. That’s a bit odd, wouldn’t you say?

Before Bella falls asleep, she realizes that Edward kissed her like that in the last book, before she was sent off to Phoenix with Alice and Jasper. Oh but he couldn’t possibly be breaking up with her, setting the entire plot for the second book by spinning her off into a whirlwind of self-destruction, clinical depression, and almost getting it on with that native boy, could he?

Hurting her to protect her? That doesn’t sound like Edward at all.

Crap, there’s an epilogue.

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Bella, all dolled up in a fancy dress, with a fancy do, and a fancy leg boot, is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, dressed in a tux. Alice spent all day prettying her up, which actually is sort of a cute mental image. With how Alice’s hair is described (sticking out in all directions, like she were just shocked–hey!), I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out of this with a fauxhawk or something.

Oh, and, Bella has no idea what’s going on. Not until Edward gets a call from Charlie, informing him that Tyler wants to know why Bella isn’t there to be his date to the prom.

Oh MY GOD Bella throws a fit. I would, too, if I were somehow stupid enough to not know that high school prom was coming. Crap on a stick, how meatheaded and tunnel-visioned do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…

Right. Bella.

Well, all the  vampires are there. By the way, Rosalie still hates her and her still-living womb. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraphs about just how pretty they are. Edward helps Bella dance by having her stand on his shoes like she’s a toddler.

Suddenly, injuns!

Jacob Black is here, for some unknown reason. He sidles up to the happy mixed-race couple and asks if he can dance. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.

He fills her in. Billy the Meddling Indian paid Jacob $20 to come to this prom. Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (speaking of which.. how did Jacob get here? he’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?

The reason Billy paid Jacob to come to prom was specifically so he could find Bella and tell her that Dad wants her to break up with Edward.

How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?’

Bella says no. Duh.

Jacob finishes the message with “We’ll be watching,” looking intensely embarrassed the whole time. Poor kid. I can’t believe daddy is sending him on his drama errands. I would have told the old man to stuff it, personally, but Jacob is in love with this idiot and wanted to see her dancing with some gorgeous white kid all night.

Edward reappears, glaring at Jacob until he leaves. He then sighs and says how much that native kid is getting on his nerves. Bella isn’t pretty, what an insult, she’s much more than even beautiful. Ugh.

Anyway, Edward leads her outside, and they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day, which Edward immediately calls absolutely retarded.

Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented. Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and simply kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!

I will leave you with the last paragraphs of this stinkfest, this pile of refuse, this hot burning injection of pure misogyny, codependency, abuse and necrophilia.

I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.”

And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.

eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

Twilight.

Chapter Seventeen is the American pasttime

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My mother is now harassing me for timely, vampirely updates.

Sorry, Mom! Here’s a chapter! Don’t ground me from reading Twilight :(

ADVERB COUNT: 75. At the end of this stinkfest, I’m going to add up all the adverbs, and then try to assemble some statistics. I wonder how many pages there are of only adverbs in this thing.

Edward drives Bella home so she can change. But wait! The injuns Quileute family is waiting at her house! What, did they come just to guilt her for associating with vampires? Edward says he’ll be back so Bella can introduce him to her father Charlie, which irritates her to no end–but of course, she doesn’t try to stop him. I guess she couldn’t, could she? There’s so much potential for abuse here, I could–

Oh, wait! I’m reading “Twilight.”

Bella kisses Edward goodbye and meets Jacob and Billy on her front porch. Billy looks furious and Jacob is.. wet. It’s raining cats and dogs, like it never does in Washington. Look, folks, Washington gets a lot of rain, right, but not all at once. Our “rainstorms” cause maybe 0.8 of an inch–just ask The Weather Channel. If you want a real rainstorm, visit the East coast some time. I digress.

Billy is all suspicious and angry and came by just to drop off some fish fry. Right. Bella quickly makes something up about how her father is fishing, but not in his usual place, so don’t try to go find him there and tell him that his daughter is dating a blood-sucking monster. Billy finds a way to get Jake out of the house so he can harangue Bella properly. Bella not-so-politely hints that maybe everyone should get the hell out of her home.

Old Indian isn’t taking any of that. He mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with the Cullens, and says “Maybe it’s none of my business, but I don’t think that is such a good idea.” Bella does the second smart thing she has done in almost 400 pages and tells him he’s right, it is none of his business. They argue back and forth, wherein Old Indian tries to scare her, and suggests he’s going to tell Charlie, and Bella stands her ground, insisting that it’s none of Billy’s business who she’s seeing, and it’s certainly not any of his business whether she tells Charlie or not. He finally gets the freaking hint, and leaves when Jacob comes back from his Convenient Excuse to Get Him Out of the Conversation.

Bella’s all “UGH people caring about me I HATE THAT,” and heads upstairs to change. Stephenie is sure we want to know the intimate details of what she’s going to wear, but I will spare you, in my infinite compassion.

Jessica calls her. Who? Oh, right, her mortal friend. The one we haven’t heard about in over 130 pages. Jessica has stupid boring mortal things to talk about. Not even Bella pretends to care. She gets her off the phone when she hears her father Charlie coming home, and prepares for the most awkward dating ritual of any teen’s life–introducing the parents.

She broaches the subject gently, informing him that she was at the Cullens’ house, and she has a sort-of date with Edward tonight. Charlie nearly has a stroke, roaring about how Edwin is far too old for her. Oh, dad, it’s EDWARD, and they’re both juniors! Silly fathers who don’t pay any attention to their daughters’ lives. Charlie asks her all the usual questions (“Is he your boyfriend? Where is taking you? How long will you be out?”) which brings a lot of sighing, groaning, and eye-rolling from Bella. Good Lord, I hate teenagers.

Edward knocks at the door, standing in a “halo” of porch light, “looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” Barf barf barf. Charlie manages to resist falling deeply in love with this exquisite creature and invites him in.

“So I hear you’re getting my girl to watch baseball.” Only in Washington would the fact that is was raining buckets have no bearing at all on the playing of outdoor sports.

Uh, actually, that does stop us, from doing a lot of things. It doesn’t “rain buckets” here. It drizzles, it sprinkles, it flat-out rains, and sometimes, sometimes, it pours, and you know what happens then? Everyone stays the hell inside.

So this stunningly beautiful man his daughter has been attempting to hide from him is taking his daughter out to watch a game she has no interest in, out in the middle of nowhere, in the rain.

Of course the cop is completely okay with this. He actually makes some comment about “more power to you” for getting Bella interested in baseball. I’m going to go hit my head against the wall for a little bit. Bella stalks out, totally angry that they’re making jokes about her, UGH I HATE MEN.

Edward brought the jeep. Bella attempts to put on the off-roading harness herself, but since she is a weak, stupid woman, Edward has to help her. He uses this excuse to “linger at her neck” and “brush along her collarbones,” which, of course, makes Bella hyperventilate. Saints preserve us. If they ever had sex, all he’d have to do is stand there naked and she’d climax more times than there are adverbs in this chapter.

Edward hints that they’re going to have to “run” part of the way there, which immediately makes Bella nauseous. Last time he did the Superman Run she nearly passed out. He brushes off her concern, and off they go.

For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down on the seat like a jackhammer. He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way.

…I know why he’s smiling and it has nothing to do with the ride. Bella, hypothetical question, how much support would you say your bra gives you…?

The jeep stops, and it’s time for Superman Run. Edward thoughtfully unbuckles her harness for her, like she’s an infant being released from a child seat. Bella flat out refuses to Superman Run it, she remembers what happened last time he did that. Edward replies that he’ll just have to “tamper” with her memory.

What follows is one of the sickest scenes in the book yet. Bella told Edward “no,” so he seduces her into changing her mind. I wish I were exaggerating. He braces her against the Jeep so she can’t escape (even Stephenie describes it this way,) kisses her all over and breathes on her a lot (go go gadget aphrodisiac breath!) all the while asking her if she still doesn’t want to do it. Bella buckles and relents to letting him carry her the rest of the way.

This is incredibly disgusting. I can’t believe a woman would write this scene and continue to bill her novel as a sweet, timeless romance. I can’t believe other women are reading this and sighing in pleasure. Ladies, this is abuse. What else is he going to convince her to do later?

No, don’t tell me. I’ll read it.

Edward kisses her, and Bella, being a teenage girl in love, wraps her arms around him and kisses him back. This is a major no-no in their relationship, because if she moves while he kisses her he might be pushed over the edge. She is supposed to stand completely motionless while lip-locked. He jumps back from her, complete with a “Damn it, Bella!” and is now angry with her.

Oh. My. God.

He’s angry with her for the rest of the run. He’s even too angry to laugh at first when she falls on her ass trying to dismount him (…lol). She gets angry at him when he finally does laugh.

“Don’t be mad, I couldn’t help myself. You should have seen your face.” He chuckled before he could stop himself.

“Oh, you’re the only one who’s allowed to get mad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.”

GOOD GIRL

“I wasn’t mad at you.”

“‘Bella, you’ll be the death of me’?” I quoted sourly.

That was simply a statement of fact.”

… “You were mad,” I insisted.”

“Yes.”

“But you just said–”

“That I wasn’t mad at you.”

Oh Lord. Edward makes up some bull about how he’s just mad at himself because he can’t seem to stop from putting her in danger. He diffuses her anger by turning the situation towards pitying him, continuing with “Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger…” Poooooor murderer.

“I love you,” he said. “It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true. … Now, please try to behave yourself,” he continued, and he bent to softly brush his lips against mine.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.

God, I just can’t believe poison like this is being paid for. He loves her, ladies, don’t you see that? He can do anything he wants to her because he loves her, and that makes it all okay.

We finally get to the STUPID BASEBALL GAME. It’s in a huge field. The bases are incredibly far apart. The kids run off to play, leaving Bella with mama Esme, who I actually sort of like in spite of myself.

Bella says Esme reminds her of her own mother, to which Esme replies that she really does think of the vamps as her own children. She mentions that she had her own baby once, but he died a few days after birth, so she threw herself from a cliff.

A-ha! I knew it. So Carlisle found a woman lost to grief who just simply wanted to die, and… made her immortal so she would live with her grief forever and ever, constantly looking for the baby she lost in the twisted children Carlisle brings home to her.

I love this family.

Bella asks if Esme minds that Edward is dating a cheeseburger, and Esme says “No, you’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow,” and manages to look worried. Uh, guys, why don’t you just get Carl to bite her? One, there’s no downside to being a vampire whatsoever, and two, Carl is just messed up enough to do it.

The game starts like a fight in Dragon Ball Z — everything is simply too fast to see, so we’re treated to frames of swooshes, slashes, and vague striking lines in lieu of actual characters interacting. Alice throws so fast you can’t see a ball. Emmett hits it so fast you can’t see it fly. And the impact is so loud that it sounds exactly like the thunder pealing overhead.

Yes, that’s why they can only play during a thunderstorm. I’d like to note that neither the ball nor the bat are harmed during this, at all. They are playing with spent uranium equipment, I guess. Also, apparently when two vampires collide, it also sounds like thunder. I’m… not really sure of the reason for this. I guess vampires are also made of spent uranium.

Edward comes up to ask Bella what she thinks of the game.

“I am a little disappointed,” I teased.

“Why?” he asked, puzzled.

“Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Edward is so. incredibly. boring.

The game continues. It’s starting to sink into my mind that I am reading about super-powered sparkling vampires who play baseball in the rain and how incredibly stupid this book has become, when suddenly… plot happens.

Alice gasps, she sees the other vampires coming towards them. Edward cusses, because he can read their minds and know that they want to play too. Everyone panics, wondering what to do to protect the little girl soufflé they brought with them. Carlisle finally decides that they will continue with the game, since it seems like the other vampires are just curious and want to know what’s going on.

Bella is ordered around for a while, as everyone attempts to disguise her and her smell. Edward gets all mad at himself for putting her in danger, oh man won’t somebody pity the poor brooding people-eater. Esme asks Edward something, which he later clarifies was “Are they thirsty?”

Don’t worry, because they’re not.

That would be way too tense for this book.

Chapter Sixteen has a tragic past

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 33 (only because most of the chapter is dialogue. That’s right. I haven’t been counting adverbs in dialogue. Think of how ridiculous the counts would be then.)

I am hereby retiring the Bella Like-O-Meter, because there is so little hope for this character, and I am fairly certain I will never actually hold any sort of positive opinion of her.

Edward leads Bella to Carlisle’s office, explaining that he was telling her his history. Carlisle declines graciously, making up some excuse about having to go into work or something. Doctors, am I right? Edward picks up where he left off.

Carlisle, wisely, tries to off himself. Unfortunately for him, blunt trauma, falling from a great height, sunlight, crosses, drowning, and starvation will not kill a vampire. Uh huh. Okay. So Carl gets hungry, and weak, but insists on resisting his urge to eat humans. One night some hapless deer go wandering by and Carl is just so damn hungry that NOM! fresh venison. This is apparently what leads him to the epiphany that he can just drink animal blood and be an evil creature of darkness without the actual evil part.

Now that he’s immortal without all those yucky and believable flaws, he swims his ass to to France.

“He swam to France?”

“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.

Well… okay… I guess that’s a good hand-waving.

“Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.” …

“You don’t have to breathe?” I demanded.

Sweetheart, we are 338 pages into a vampire novel. He has passed on. This boyfriend is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late boyfriend.

Edward confides to her that he keeps waiting for Bella to realize that all of this is nuts, and run away screaming. If not for my pain tolerance I would have done so by now.

Annnnnyway Carlisle swims to France because he’s dead and doesn’t need to breathe. He studies various classical subjects before deciding that being a doctor would help him repent for having vampirism being forced on him. I’m not sure what he feels he has to repent for, he started the vampire veganism movement. I mean, seriously, we know he’s not Catholic, there’s no place for this guilt to come from.

Edward is described as awed and reverent of his mentor/father-figure, explaining that it took Carl 200 years to get his blood lust under control, to the point where he could actually practice medicine on humans. While in Italy, Carl found civilized vampires, who, while refined and polite in their own right, tried nobly to get Carl to eat people again. Carl got tired of it, I guess, because he left for the New World. No word on if he swam there, too.

When the influenza epidemic that spurned Edward’s undeath occurred, Carlisle decided that if he couldn’t find another likeminded vampire friend, he would just make one. Very compassionate! Despite the fact that he experienced emotional and spiritual anguish over being a vampire, he decides he’s going to make a few of them himself. If Stephenie would just own up and admit that Carlisle is not compassionate but, in fact, insane, this would be so much more interesting.

So Carl bites Edward, bless his loving, unbeating heart. Edward admits that some ten years after being Embraced chomped on, he had a “rebellious” phase, wherein he no doubt realized that Carlisle is flipping insane, and left on his own for a while. To murder some people.

Never fear, teenage romantics–because Edward can read minds, he only murdered bad people. That makes it right. Right?

Even Edward realizes this is bull, and comes back to Carlisle and Esme’s twisted little home. Where we now find ourselves, inside his room. Edward’s room is built like a music store. I guess the guy likes music. Another weak “I’m scary” “but I love you” conversation, good Lord. Edward pounces on her in an attempt to show how manly and frightening he is, and their wrestling is interrupted by Alice and Jasper.

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.

Oh… oh God, I love Alice!

ACTUALLY, Jasper says, breaking into my happy lesbo fantasy with his dirty boy parts, Alice saw a storm in the future, and everyone wants to play a game while there’s thunder.

What game you ask?

Baseball.

Vampires love baseball.