New Moon recaps by chapter

Chapter One – In which paper cuts are a vampire’s natural enemies.

Chapter Two – In which we make up fantasies about how messed-up Carlisle is, in a desperate attempt to make this interesting.

Chapter Three – In which Edward finally gets the hell out of the book.

Chapter Four – In which Bella decides to start trying to kill herself indirectly. That’s not suicide, right?

Chapter Five – In which Bella is obviously suffering from massive mental trauma but nobody gives a damn.

Chapter Six – In which Team Jacob gains credibility, and Bella’s friends are lousy.

Chapter Seven – In which Bella continues to use Jacob and lead him on, but remember, she’s a strong, sympathetic, independent heroine.

Chapter Eight – In which some more stuff happens that we’re all really trying very hard to care about.

Chapter Nine – In which Jacob hits werewolf puberty. I mean, he’s totally not a werewolf!

Chapter Ten – In which Bella tries to think for herself, and is rescued by a man.

Chapter Eleven – In which Bella uses Jacob some more and we’re supposed to feel bad for her.

Chapter Twelve – In which Bella decides she hates monsters and murderers who aren’t named Edward.

Chapter Thirteen – In which Bella is a gigantic flaming hypocrite.

Chapter Fourteen – In which Sam only hurt her because he loves her.

Chapter Fifteen – In which Bella commits suicide.

Chapter Sixteen – In which Bella doesn’t have the good sense to die.

Chapter Seventeen – In which Alice and Bella can never speak of their forbidden love.

Chapter Eighteen – In which the contrived plot elements align in a wacky misunderstanding.

Chapter Nineteen – In which we spend 20 minutes on Google to learn that the entire premise of the climax is impossible.

Chapter Twenty – In which Edward is back! Yaaaaay more abuse!

Chapter Twenty-One – In which the Volturi are halfway between lame and cool and basically not at all scary.

Chapter Twenty-Two – In which the whole terrific gang goes home.

Chapter Twenty-Three – In which Edward is back to his old self.

Chapter Twenty-Four – In which eternal life is fine, but MARRIAGE? Be serious!

Epilogue – In which “New Moon” finally, FINALLY ends.

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