Chapter Six

Sweet salivating savior.

Now, I know some of you are gearing up for the possible excuses I will make. Maybe there have been betting pools. Well, let me set your minds at ease. Here is an exact list of everything I was doing for the last month:

  1. Writing a vampire novel
  2. Doing everything else I possibly could other than read Eclipse

I know, I feel your scorn even now. “This is a recap site,” you are all saying. “It is basically required that you read the books you are actively hatin’ on.”

But riddle me this, dear readers. What better possible statement exists on the quality of Eclipse than “Despite the fact that 40,000 people on the internet wanted me to, I could not bring myself to even look at this book for more than a month”?

I rest my case.

And with that, let me tell you all a little something about Chapter Six.

Edward creep-o-meter: A big ol “Welcome Back” 10.

When we last left off,  Bella was driving home after an unbelievably exciting chat with Jacob. You all remember Jacob, right? Big fellow? Werewolf? A friend Bella isn’t allowed to have, according to Edward?

Bella drives herself home, and out of nowhere, the Volvopire is behind her. He doesn’t honk. He doesn’t insist she pulls over. He just follows her all the way to her mortal friend’s house. Bella is terrified. She thinks briefly on how she’d been hoping to have some time before facing Edward, and how she’d at least wanted to have Charlie around, to “force him to keep his voice down.” Replace those words with “force him to keep from swinging at her,” and this whole scene makes even more unsavory sense.

So Edward continues to just. follow. her. as she drives to Angela’s. When she pulls into the drive, he keeps going. Yep. Just wanted to make sure where she was going. Just wanted to intimidate her. There was no other purpose for that drive. Just wanted to scare the piss out of his girlfriend.

Angela and Bella stuff envelopes. Don’t remember why she agreed to this. But it means we have an excuse for Bella to pretend like she even gives a damn about mortals still. She attempts to try to talk to Angela about what’s happening with Edward v. Jacob, without mentioning any of the werewolf/vampire stuff that would likely get her thrown into a ward. Angela keenly points out that Edward is jealous. Noooooooo Angela you just don’t get it that’s not it at all because Edward is perfect and selfless and wonderful and barf barf barf.

Angela’s boyfriend comes back, and Bella begins to tremble because that means she has to go home and face her insanely jealous, controlling, manipulative — I mean, selfless, perfect, wonderful, protective boyfriend.

Her whole drive home is anxious. And then, this.

“I’m going to go study,” I announced glumly as I headed for the stairs.

“See you later,” Charlie called after me.

If I survive, I thought to myself.

OH MAN YOU GUYS. It is so hilarious having a boyfriend who could kill you at a moment’s notice and is also incredibly emotionally unhinged!

Edward glares at her silently for several minutes. How dare she go see her friends? She finally explains how alive and unharmed she is, to which Edward just whines that he was soooo close to breaking the treaty and starting a war and it would have been all her fault.

They argue over how Bella wants to have friends and Edward won’t let her. They seriously argue about this. He refuses to negotiate on her seeing Jacob because he is “dangerous.” Wow, what a sweet guy. Bella delivers some stupid speech about being Switzerland. They joke about her smelling like dog. Whatever. God, I hate this.

THE NEXT DAY. Edward is going to go hunting again because he had to come back and save Bella from absolutely nothing when he found out she was hanging out with another boy.

We’d come to no agreement on the werewolf issue, but I didn’t feel guilty calling Jake–during my brief window of opportunity when Edward took the Volvo home before climbing back in through my window–to let him know I’d be coming over on Saturday again. It wasn’t sneaking around. Edward knew how I felt. And if he broke my truck again, then I’d have Jacob pick me up.

There is so. much. wrong. with that paragraph, I don’t even know where to freaking start.

Alice picks Bella up from school. This is odd. When Bella asks where Edward is, Alice just says they left early. Then she excitedly announces that ALL the boys have gone and Bella and her are going to have a slumber party which in no way is to be translated as 1st degree kidnapping and house arrest.

Alice is not repentant in the least. Edward bribed her with a porsche, so Bella is now legal hostage. In fact, no one really seems alarmed at this at all. Bella is going to be held at Cullen Manor for two days. She is only allowed to leave for school. She only gets one phone call to Jacob, and that is only to let him know that she won’t be coming over on Saturday after all.

“Alice, don’t you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?”

Also in the running for Most Obvious Answer: “Alice, don’t you think bears shit in the woods just a little bit? Just a tiny bit of defecation, maybe?”

Alice, of course, thinks nothing of the sort. Edward is just–wait for it


–and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting her safe!

Alice, I loved you once.

Bella uses her one phone call to tell Jacob their plans are canceled. He immediately suspects the bloodsuckers, and for good reason. Bella jokes–she jokes–that she is being held prisoner. Jacob’s immediate response is that he is coming to get her. God, I love this kid.

After this, Bella calls Edward to leave a bunch of half-hearted, lukewarm threats in his voicemail. “You are in trouble. Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”

Ha ha, it’s so funny that he can coerce his family into kidnapping his girlfriend when he’s not in town so he can continue to keep tabs on her every move. You are in BIG TROUBLE, MISTER!

Alice escorts Bella to Edward’s room, where she’ll be sleeping. This is ostensibly to show her the enormous bed Edward moved in there, but it is also probably to keep monitoring her for any signs of rebellion.

Bella, because she is an enormous idiot, refuses to sleep on the bed, and curls up on the couch in “defiance.” You know what else is defiant? Getting your phone and calling the God damn cops.

Rosalie comes into her room in the middle of the night.

Whoa, did it just get a lot more sexy in here, or is it just me?


76 Responses to “Chapter Six”

  1. Wow, reading Twilight can make you really mad doesn’t it? OMG haha betcha that novel of yours is gonna be a hit!!
    But be careful to whom do you trust it with, we don’t want any leaks and then halt the writing do we? hahaha
    Thank you for another wonderful recap! :D We really missed you!

    • I like getting worked up about things that don’t matter, haha.

      There’s no way in hell I’m showing any of you the book LOL the only other thing you’ll hear of it is if it gets published.

      • We already suspect it’ll be better then most… cause you have a first hand example of what not to do. It also helps that the writer has a personality and will not encourage the youth of today to accept controlling and abusive relationships.

        Also, I wish you good luck with the rest.

        On a different note, what would happen if Bella was replaced with Elizabeth Bennet from “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”?

        • It would be so very good~
          But, that could never happen, because Elizabeth’s personality is too much for Smeyers walnut-sized-brain to handle.

          Thanks for struggling through this for us Rachel~ Good luck in your vampire book.

      • Softspoken Says:

        Aww. Well, good luck with the book!

        If it gets published, will you at least put up a note here?

  2. Are you being sarcastic or are you REALLY writing a vampire novel? If so are the vampires actually…
    1. Cool-ish villains
    2. Not romantically involved with cheeseburgers- I mean, humans.

    If so I’d be happy to read it!!!

  3. I’m so glad this is back, yay!

    New Moon trailer spoof:

    If Twilight was honest:

    Is this your werewolf? This is a cute werewolf! Oh, you attack me! You attack me, werewolf!

    I still give Alice a little leeway with this one. Edward, on the other hand….

  4. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Hmm… When Alice mentioned the slumber party, I was expecting your first reaction to be “:D OH BOY! GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!” or something.

    As for:
    “We’d come to no agreement on the werewolf issue, but I didn’t feel guilty calling Jake–during my brief window of opportunity when Edward took the Volvo home before climbing back in through my window–to let him know I’d be coming over on Saturday again. It wasn’t sneaking around. Edward knew how I felt. And if he broke my truck again, then I’d have Jacob pick me up.”

    Even though we have a clear picture of her personality by now, for some reason, I saw her holding up a “PLEASE HELP ME!” sign while trying to say that as non-nonchalantly as possible to fool Eddie who was well within earshot, but not at the proper angle to see her sign.

    • …and I suddenly had a very strong mental image of Bella as Wile E. Coyote. And now a childhood love is ruined for me.


      • Think of it this way, she’ll always have something falling on her because her plans fail.

        • I was thinking more the episode(s) where Wile E. goes running off a cliff, and hangs suspended for a few seconds holding a sign that says “help” before plummeting.

          But now that I imagine Bella doing that, and actually DYING, I feel better. :D

  5. So, if you are having this much trouble finishing Eclipse….how are you going to make it through Breaking Dawn?

    In other thoughts, did you start writing vampires into your novel before or after you started reading this trash? I mean, if it was after I can well imagine the hatred of Smeyer’s “things” fueling the perfection that your vampires will be. Oh, did I fail to mention plot?

  6. I have a feeling Breaking Dawn will move beyond painful internet fanfiction and into a-satire-of-itself-internet-fanfiction. In other words, while Eclipse is a inadvertent warning against controlling relationships and poor writing, Breaking Dawn will encompass all that is wrong with the last 3 books but be so ridiculous it becomes a satire of itself.

    In which point Rachel with either laugh at it all the time because it’s so accidental hilarious or be laughing because this series has driven her Padded-Walls Crazy.

    ………I’m hoping she’ll have some semblance of sanity left.

    But if you don’t Rachel, I bet your book will be even more entertaining (but obviously still 90 times better than SMeyers crap)

  7. I just what I don’t even what I don’t know

    I’ve had to shut off my brain again after I attempted to imagine how Smeyer thought this was “romantic.” Do you think this whole series is an enormous cry for HELP OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME or what?

    Edwardo was just PO’ed ‘cos the glitter store was straight up outta (Compton) silver stars and moons. He NEEDS them, you guys. SO BAD.

  8. Honestly, reading these recaps gave me the most cynical novel idea ever. It would be a hit, provided I published under a female pseudonym.

    Basically: there’s a gay vampire and a gay werewolf, who are totally gay for each other except they can’t be together because of their respective species (insert bullocks reason why vampires and werewolves can’t get along here), so they angst. Add a female monster hunter who’s so insipid and lame that you wonder how she survived a day in her profession, but call her smart and strong and independent, and have her fall in love with both of them. Except they’re gay and monsters, so she angsts.

    For extra horribleness, let her think she can somehow “convert” them back to being straight.

    I also want to write a more serious one from the perspective of someone who’s just been turned into a vampire, dealing with the changes it wreaks upon his psychology and needs. Slide gradually but inexorably from horror and disgust at the sudden new dietary needs, to a sort of psychopathic pleasure at it all. The thrill of the hunt, that sort of stuff. Have a family member or lover be the one who tries to stake him, which could go either way, with an “at last I am free” death or victory over the would-be hunter that cements the vampire’s place as a monstrous predator.

    • I think there is a lot of fascinating potential in the concept of the vampire. Potential that Stephenie, of course, completely wastes.

      I’ve always been intrigued by how a vampire (or any other immortal/undead sentience) could define “morality.” Let’s say, for instance, the Smeyerpires. They are, generally speaking, superior to humanity in every way. Where are the vampires with the megalomania? Where are the vampires who are trying to take over the world–since they are clearly the better of the two dominant species? It’s not as if they would ever have to answer to a maker–they can’t die! The only thing that can kill them are werewolves (an endangered species) and other vampires.

      No, I just get a couple of flaky-skinned re-res in Italy going on and on about how fucking special Bella and Edward are. So much potential wasted.

      • It’s just a “big picture” extension of all the other things she wastes. Carlisle, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie’s backstories. Moronic interpretations of interesting characterizations(see: Edward)

    • There’s a movie kind of like that. It’s called Bitten and stars Jason Mews. Look it up, it’s awesome.

  9. Wow. Really, smeyer?
    I can’t think of anything intelligent to say about this, primarily because this chapter is devoid of intelligent…anything.
    I hate twilight so much.
    “Oh, i’m kidnapping you!”
    “Aww, Edward’s so nice.”
    What a dumb bint.

  10. Crazyfishie Says:

    You is writing a Vampire novel O: I wanna read!

    I don’t blame you for not reading it for a month. This was….not worth the “excitment” .Then again, what part of Twilight is?

  11. I think it’s fair to say that they’re traditional vampires in at least one way: They look at people like puppets and playthings. I think that the vampire family thinks nothing of Edward’s abuses because they can see the NECESSITY for protecting the pet, I mean, she doesn’t know better. She’s just a human. Someone should rub her nose in it so it finally sinks in not to disobey the masters.

    • I would buy this, if I had any proof that Stephenie were capable of that sort of depth of character lol

      • Yeah, I was meaning it was unintentional on her part. But it’s, at least from the summaries, pretty heavyhanded subtext. Probably not as true of the actual book, since it’s long-winded and just full of such PROFESSIONAL prose. That Alice isn’t thinking twice about the situation is what made me think this. And it adds to the depth of Edward avoiding turning Bella because he’s afraid of losing his precious pet.

        • He’s dating a mortal, how NOVEL! If she becomes a vampire, it’s just not as quaint any more! :(

        • I always read it as Alice thinking it justified, since she seems to share Edward’s opinion of the werewolves: dangerous monsters that could snap at any time. Compounding this fear is the fact that Bella goes “off the radar” every time she goes to La Push, and the fact that the person she is going to see is a teenage boy who wants to do her.

          I’m not saying Alice is right, but I am saying I understand her fears.

          Edward doesn’t have that excuse, though.

          New hypothesis: Bella causes your brain to malfunction.

          1. Edward and Jacob both develop rage issues after “falling in love” with her.

          2. The rest of the vampires are irrationally supportive of Edward’s new psychosis.

          3. Charlie becomes pathologically indifferent and utterly ineffectual authority figure, despite being a police officer and regularly dealing with troubled teens and criminal behavior.

          4. Victoria’s schizophrenic means of revenge.

          My biggest and best source of evidence: The general Twilight fandom.

          • And i think it speaks to Alice having misgivings about Edward’s “solution” to the problem in that she had to be bribed.

            Although….the second Bella decided she was going to go to La Push, Alice would have known because Bella’s future would have disappeared. Alice tells Edward and they for this plan….

            I take back everything I said in this and my previous post.

            Oh, Alice, I loved you once.

      • I totally agree, lol

  12. I’ve missed your witty criticisms so much! Hahah.
    I recently got a pencil case which is like a disco ball, and everyone is always like “ooh, it sparkles” and I look at them and say “Yes, just like Edward Cullen” and half of them get jealous when I say that.
    WTF! They are jealous of the fact that my pencil case looks like a fictional vampire’s skin.

  13. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    Holy shit, you’re back!

    Also: Holy shit, this is creepy!

  14. Ooh! A vampire novel I may actually read! Even if there isn’t a star vampire in it. I think that might actually make it better. Like “Dear SMeyer. The world is not stamped with a big-ass sign that says Vampires Are Everything Ever. Seriously.”

    Glad you’re back! I’ve been needing a fix for a while now!

    And please, take mental breaks and sink into your own creative world rather than read the creative black hole that is Twilight. Please. I believe your mental health should come before swill that is vaguely deemed literature.

  15. While you were gone, I read a book that was WORSE THAN TWILIGHT.

    Now you see what happens? You see what you do by leaving us for so long? My brain will never be the same! Never!



      What was it?

      • Dark Gold.

        I don’t mean it was worse in the “MY-GOD-THIS-IS-ABOUT-ABUSE-YOU-MAD-BITCH!” way. It was worse in the… the… UGH. It was painful! Twilight I managed to get through with an expression similar to “O.O” the entire way, this book I couldn’t get through more than three paragraphs of in one sitting. The not-vampire in it was called Aidan Savage. May I rest my case?

        What is it with female authors and writing vampire stories where their heroines are victims of sexual/emotional/physical abuse and calling it LOVE?

        • I think it’s a vampire thing. Vampires have long symbolized the forbidden, and sexuality along with that. So I think female authors use vampire novels to explore what they know is unhealthy but what they still want–a man who utterly controls them.

        • I think it was after that book that I totally gave up on Christian Feehan’s Carpathians Series. Forgot my reaction to it because I read it when it first came out…

          That and all of her books were too similar in how things happened. Carpathian finds mate, stalks mate, claims mate with a hint of drama and what-not.

          As to female authors and vampires… Dracula Complex? Don’t know and for some reason don’t really want to know the answer cause that answer would be… disturbing.

          • The first two chapters seriously contain ALL the plot – and it’s “there was a pretty girl with sort of freaky powers who had to look after her brother all alone, then they got kidnapped by a vampire, then he turned her into a vampire, then she was chained up in a cave, then a blond over-muscled not-vampire saved her”.

            I could handle that… but in ONE chapter?! I honestly think it’s worse written than Twlight is, and that’s saying something, because I think Twlight’s something my thirteen-year-old sister could have vomited up one day while high on fever.

            It’s up to us. We have to reclaim vampires! I’m going to send my manuscript off. It’s a load of bile currently, but no one who reads Twilight will realise that!

  16. Wow… Yeah, this is definitely worthy of a 10 on the creep-o-meter.

    Why the hell didn’t she just call the cops? What’s wrong with her? Oh. Right. She’s Bella. >.<

    If I could actually care about any of the characters in these books, Jacob would probably be high up there right now as the only major character who cares. Then again, if we ever heard about her mortal friends, they'd probably be far better.

  17. I can’t really remember how many chapters are in this thing, but it seems to drag on so long… I remember the first time I read it, back when I’d deluded myself into liking this junk. Even then it dragged on and on. It’s when I started to wake up to how ridiculous what I was reading actually was. Don’t spear me, but I actually found the next chapter about Rosalie’s back story slightly interesting. I think the sparklepire back stories, as poorly done as they are, are what kept me thinking I liked this bilge. They’re at least a heck of a lot more interesting than BellaTwat and Edwardo.

    • Oh yeah, and there is the matter of how I was rooting for Jacob the whole time. I found myself hating Edward even when I thought I liked these wastes of ink, so I can sort of forgive myself for that.

    • I never actually liked this in the first place, but I also found Rosalie’s back-story to be fascinating, just as I found the snippet of information we get about Alice in book one to be really interesting. Both those snippets have the potential to become fascinating book plots so long as somebody NOT Smeyer gets their hands on it. So don’t feel bad for liking the parts that by some strange miracle she did well. It just shows you have taste ^_^

    • Yet another aspect of these books that pisses me off. Stephenie’s secondary characters are ten times more interesting than Edo and Miss Swoony Failtastic. If she went back and wrote prequels for Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie, I would probably tolerate, or, dare I say, enjoy them.

      It’s Edward and Bella that ruin this setting, hands down. If they weren’t the center of the God Damn Universe, with even the “villains” practically falling over themselves to ooh and ahh over how wonderful and special they are, then maybe this series would have had a chance.

      • Thank you Willow! I’m happy to be reassured that I have some taste. =)

        You know Rachel, I felt that way the entire time while reading this book. We also get a bit more of a back-story about Jasper. It interested me too, and I kept wanting to know more about him, Alice, Esme, Emmett, (Angela, Mike, Mike’s mom, anybody other than the two main characters we’re supposed to care about obsessively, but that’s beside the point.)

        It’s too true that even the villains, who, again, have potential to be quite fascinating (but somehow aren’t) fawn over the two lead characters. It’s bizarre that two flat, dull, only good because Smeyer says they are characters are talked about so much and fawned over so much by fans. Smeyer writes like she’d be shocked to find out that they’re not fawned over universally. That’s my main beef with the series, I suppose, is when people buy into the whole Bella + Edward = Perfect Love Eternal hogwash.

  18. Yay! Welcome back! I wish you all luck with your novel, and judging by the recaps if it gets published I will love it forever. I’d just like to comment that I’m really surprised that Stephanie hasn’t read Anne Rice, she claims she’s only seen bits and snippets of the movie (my evidence:,,20049578,00.html) they seem to have rubbed off on her more than she thinks, because she’s essentially taken Ann Rice’s vampires, turned them all into the angst-y Louis, and made them immune to sunlight in a stupid fashion (I say this because Lestat is himself immune to sunlight in a way. He still gets burned to a crisp and takes a while to recover but he can’t die from it). There’s still the seductive element of a vampire interacting with its prey. It’s just that its prey has no personality either. It amazes me how she managed to make such an interesting creature and make it so mind-bendingly dull.

    Also: Dear, dear Rachel, if I knew where you lived, I would send you cookies for this. You give me hope for authors of the future.

  19. It’s so so good to have you back :)
    My friend and I have been laughing for 10 straight minutes!
    I wish you would make your blog into a book or something… it would sell. It’s so in your face truthful, it’s amazing. I wish it were required reading for high school girls… hehe

  20. It’s good to see you back, Rachel. :D Also, I must say I’m totally interested in your novel.

    As for the recap, while I was reading, I started subconsciously humming the Jaws theme song. I didn’t even notice.

  21. What I find interesting(in an irritating way) is that no character seems to have been doing anything prior to the start of the book.

    Bella has no friends in Arizona. She doesn’t have any interests, except reading Jane Austen and Shakespeare and completely misinterpreting them.

    Edward is great at everything, but he never does anything. He has all that music that they don’t ever really touch on, and he is never seen listening to. We never see him play or hear talk of him practicing. He’s apparently read all the books Bella has and more(though given her limited selection, who hasn’t? My cousin’s six-year-old is better read), but we never hear of a library. He is a master at fixing cars, yet we never see him working on that either. He doesn’t appear to do school work, and neither does Bella for that matter. Not even a “I finished my homework and then went to see Edward.” (except that “subtle” misogyny jab essay that Bella was supposed to write)

    The werewolves apparently only eat, hang out at Emily’s and Sam’s, and patrol.

    Jacob fixes cars, but we never hear any of that after the plot doesn’t require it anymore. He doesn’t appear to do anything else.

    Esme never redecorates anything, even though she loves to do that supposedly.

    Apparently, Rosalie and Emmet just screw all the time, or something.

    Jasper angsts about not being good enough, and tries not to eat people.

    Carlisle works. That is all. He doesn’t sleep, or need rest, but he doesn’t appear to have hobbies.

    Alice shops. None of them go anywhere to need fancy clothes, but she buys them for everyone, anyway.

    Charlie goes to work and then comes home and watches tv. He never appears to do any police work, and he doesn’t appear to have a favorite team(That I remember). He just watches sports and is a lame duck father figure.

    Renee quit her job to just hang around Phil when he wasn’t playing semi-professionally or whatever.

    Hell, if it weren’t for the vampire attacks, these would be the most boring people on the planet.

    • You bring up valid points. These people don’t have lives, especially the main characters. It’s too easy to forget how lifeless they really are.

      For those who are interested, I recommend seeing ShmeiliaRockie on Youtube:

  22. Hey! Bella can’t compare herself to Switzerland! He’s way better than her! ….And, what does having to be a nation have to do with anything with the situation? I don’t understand…..

    Bella just…ugh…accepts his control. She is a disgrace to all females. I mean, we didn’t have all these groups of the women in the past who defied the government and stuff to get the rights they deserve.

    Well, Eclipse is just the stepping stone to see how overblown Breaking Dawn is. I look forward to you recapping them…if you can bear to get through a chapter.

    • : ) Bella compares herself to Switzerland because she’s “neutral.” It’s a small war reference to make her seem smart.

      All of the people [both boys and girls] I know that have survived abusive relationships say that they knew something was wrong in the beginning. Usually, these victims wave away their suspicions because they don’t want to be paranoid. Of course, in the end, they agree that they should have trusted their gut. If Meyer wasn’t so misogynistic and all about male dominance, she would see that Edward’s behavior is creepy.

      Poor Rachel. ) : I hope she can hold out . . .

  23. Weird. I’m actually starting to be intrigued by this…mostly because it seems like a clue is starting to pentrate Bellas diamond hard skull.

    And, of course: You were writting a book? Did you finish it and now only need to try and get it published, finish the first draft, or do you still need to complete it?
    I’ve toyed with vampire stories. I tend to get more enjoyment out of creating “New” versions of vampires(Vampires that are more realistic, that better fit the mythos, defy the Mythos(vampires cna go out in the sun, they spread that rumor so that people will dismiss the possibility of someone being a vampire) etc.) than actually WRITTING the story.

    Anyway, good luck with getting published, and be sure to let us know if it gets published.

    • Oh, I’m still completing the first draft. I’m juggling a lot of things right now, but I’m very proud of what I have so far! I’ll definitely let you guys know if it gets anywhere but that probably won’t be a for quite a while, if at all.

    • It doesn’t last. Bella gets over the “he’s ao controlling” thing.

  24. Look, there’s more out there like us, and they’ve known all along…

    But really, a remarkably well-written if verbose sentiment about the whole series.

    • That was incredible and smart. I hadn’t even stopped to consider that the whole point of this series was not, in fact, Bella, but simply the act of being loved by Edward.

      The idea that Stephenie was simply acting out a fantasy and a wish to have a big rich strong pretty man to control her is gaining a huge amount of credibility.

  25. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    (I know I commented already, but I was rereading and I want to comment on some things at the top.)

    “Now, I know some of you are gearing up for the possible excuses I will make. Maybe there have been betting pools.”

    …I totally should have thought of that…

    “I know, I feel your scorn even now. “This is a recap site,” you are all saying. ‘It is basically required that you read the books you are actively hatin’ on.'”

    Awww. We weren’t thinking that at all. …Or at least I wasn’t… But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one… In fact, I’m willing to bet that a good majority of us understood how grueling and painful and brainmelty this whole endeavor of yours is… Mostly… I think… :[ I should be more assertive, shouldn’t I?

  26. i’m with Android. we all knew how painful it is to read this drivel. that’s why we love reading the recaps so much! if we didn’t appreciate the torture required, we probably wouldn’t bother reading. we’d probably just classify you as another random nut job and move on.

  27. The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

    I really don’t know how anyone would think it “charming” that he was stalking her and looking through her room in the first book, let alone having him follow her in his car! Are girls really this dense nowadays not to tell the difference?!

    And since we’re talking about making our own vampire novels/ideas…



    *inserts a shameless plug*

    I haven't gotten his story fully worked out, but he was mostly inspired by Twilight in the essence that I wanted to create a non-vampire vampire with some semblance of a personality. That plus I could only get through 2 chapters of the damn book, even with the sarcastic comments and adverb/adjective changes whenever Edward speaks and/or is described to keep me entertained.

    • Your reminder of the creeper scene in Twilight has inevitably gotten “The Horror of Our Love” by Ludo stuck in my head. Which sucks, because it’s an amazing song, and I’d rather not in any way connect it to Twilight.

    • Orville-the-fruit-pire reminds me of Bunnicula ^,.,^

      (and I thought we got Vitamin D FROM the sun… >_> )

      • The Brigeeda Rocks Says:

        The funny thing is I remember the book from when I was a kid, but I never actually read it.

        And BLARGH. Clearly my attempt to fact check while sleepy was unfruitful. HA! Pun.

  28. omg i never read blogs and acidentally found this one one day! i think your so funny- this has actually spurred me to finish reading eclipse cos now i have my own sparknotes lol

  29. I had three Twilight (almost wrote Twilishte, completely unintentionally) related incidents yesterday.

    The first; I walked into a pharmacy and as I walked through the card aisle I spotted a twilight Halloween card. The front read “Let’s go trick-or-treating in Forks, Washington” and being(apparently) a masochist, I opened that card. “There’s lots of eye candy” with a picture of Edward. My cry of horror echoed through the building. Adding to this atrocity was the fact that this card was the kind that plays music when opened.
    I turned all the cards and the divider labeled “Twilight” backwards.

    The second; I work at a restaurant, and I was helping someone with their sidework(his first time at that station), which involved cleaning off a stainless steel counter. The counter however got kind of messed up again before his shift was over, and he was telling the manager that he did clean it, and I said “Yeah, he did, I watched him” and I ALMOST said, “The counter was as sparkly as Edward Cullen” but I stopped, shocked that I thought that.
    I’m not sure whether I should be horrified or proud of a clever insult.

    The third; … I can’t remember, which is a shame because I’m sure it was worth mentioning…

    • I turned all the cards and the divider labeled “Twilight” backwards.

      Come now, it’s not the store’s fault they have to stock Twilight stuff. If I caught you doing that in my old Target, I would have slapped the crap out of you, lol.

  30. Oh yeah, the third thing was this:
    Is it just me or does that guy remind anyone else of edward? Maybe it’s the hair, maybe is the girls reaction.

    Maybe I’m just crazy and need to take a month off like Rachel before I go nutz.

  31. anastasia Says:

    my god i live your point of view!!

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