Archive for brief moment of clarity

Chapter Twelve

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

There’s SOMETHING AT THE WINDOW!!!1

I know, let’s go right up to it and see who it is!

OH MY GOD IT’S VICTORIA SHE’S COME TO EAT BELLA AND MAYBE CHARLIE THEY’RE SO DEAD THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES AS WE KNOW I–

Wait, it’s just Jacob. Bah.

Bella opens the window for Jacob to jump in.

“What are you doing?” I gasped. […]

“I’m trying to keep”–he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him–“my promise!”

Aw, okay, I guess I still like Jacob.

He jumps in through the window, which is like totally cool and stuff. Bella was totally ready for him to fall to his death. I don’t think falling from a second story window would kill you. It certainly wouldn’t kill Bella–her skull seems to be comprised entirely of a hard, diamond-like substance, impervious to 45 mph collisions and, I don’t know, original thought.

So Jacob jumps in, lands neatly, and gives her a grin. Apparently, the last few weeks of completely avoiding her, ignoring her, and then telling her that he doesn’t want to see her anymore despite his promise of helping her get back on her feet–apparently, that was just fun and games.

“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.

He blinked, his face going blank with surprise.

“No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.”

“I don’t accept!

Then she tries to shove him out the window, which works about as well as you would imagine. Uh, why the hell didn’t she have this reaction when she found out that Edward had been breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night? How did Bella magically grow a spine?

It’s okay, she swoons out of nowhere at this point, because she’s just so tired, so Jacob has to stay and make sure she’s all right.

Jacob tries to tell Bella that he wants to explain what happened, but he just can’t. He’s clearly acting as though he has a supernatural compulsion to not tell her something. Now, see, that’s cult-like behavior. He finally concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can at least try to help her guess the answer to his little furry problem.

He asks her if she remembers when they first met in La Push and he told her his silly ghost stories. Oh, right! Of course Bella remembers, that’s when she first started her habit of manipulating him. She, of course, only remembers the story he told about the Cullens, a fact Jacob bitterly recognizes. Bella gives up, because she’s just a girl. She’ll probably google for it later.

Jacob leaves, after a few more awkward lines of “no I’m dangerous and you should stay away from me.” Now why is that so familiar?

Bella goes back to sleep and has those wonderful prophetic dreams of hers that have absolutely no basis on the story other than to serve as Smeyer’s only vehicle for foreshadowing. You could just, you know, foreshadow, like a regular God damn author, instead of giving your Mary Sue magical stupid powers. She dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf, like in the previous book, and then she dreams about seeing the wolves in the meadows, and…

…Wakes herself up screaming.

My goodness, she has a glass constitution. Is there anything strong about her? “I DREAMT ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!!”

So she finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. Oh my God, how terrifying! She wonders what the hell is up with Forks that she can run into both vampires and werewolves here, if maybe they are everywhere and she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?

Bella continues to freak out that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to realizing that Edward is a vampire. This, she justifies, is because she never doubted that there was something odd about the Cullens, it was just a matter of finding out what. But Jacob! Jacob was a totally normal 6.5ft sixteen-year-old with a crazy cult following him! It’s just so shocking!

Of course, she immediately makes this about her, because her best friend is totes a werewolf so she must be a freak. It must be hard knowing you’re the main character and the plot-hole-filled world revolves around you and your poorly thought-out personality.

Bella throws on clothes and hurries downstairs, desperate to see Jacob now that she knows his Dark Secret. Charlie’s all “omg where are you going” as though he cares. He urges her to go straight to Jacob’s with no stops, because the wolves have been dragging off more people now. So naturally, hunters and cops and rangers and etc. are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals.

Charlie leaves, and Bella has moral conundrums. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should be his friend, and warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too) I mean, if they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (Completely ignoring that EDWARD IS, TOO.)

The werewolves had chosen a different path.

Now, what should I choose?

Gee, I don’t know, why don’t you continue to pretend dating that one guy and then maybe manipulate him into eating only grizzly bears like your sweet beautiful ex-boyfriend did, before he left you alone in the woods and stole your things?

Goodness me, is she racist or a hypocrite or what?

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Chapter One

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My excellent friend Lukas has lent me his copy of New Moon. I didn’t ask why he had a copy of New Moon, and he agreed to let me write all over it. It’s a fair trade, I think.

And so, we begin.

Chapter One is a recap chapter, and with it comes all the glories and hardships of trying to sum up Twilight in less than 30 pages. You were all there, you saw what happened, but I’m going to recap the recap anyway.

The chapter starts off with a dream Bella has about being a wrinkly gross old lady and Edward wishing her happy birthday. Old people are disgusting! Bella wakes up and we learn that it is, in fact, her birthday. We are treated to 30 pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is now that she’s 18 and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet.

Bella, it turns out, is one of those people who absolutely hates it when people celebrate their birthdays. I know that these people exist in real life–I am dating one, much to my chagrin, and not wanting a birthday is sort of analogous to not liking fun, in my opinion. But we make do. It took a few years for him to even start letting other people know when his birthday was, and it took me a few years to learn that he wasn’t going to want to party hard. Much like my boyfriend, Bella hates attention and people doting on her. Even though she likes that Edward is so super-obsessed with her. I’m sure.

Bella drives herself to school. My eyebrows quirk. She drove herself? What’s going on here? Edward and Alice are waiting for her there, Edward as boring and gorgeous as he was in the last book, and Alice her adorable self, holding a silver box. Bella is like so totally embarrassed. She doesn’t want any presents, you guys! Not to mention she’s in a terrible mood because 18 is like so old and she’s going to be wrinkly any day now. Bella drops the hint that this is what’s upsetting her so much, and Alice tries to lighten the mood.

“Eighteen isn’t very old,” Alice said. “Don’t women usually wait til they’re twenty-nine to get upset over their birthdays?”

“It’s older than Edward,” I mumbled.

ANYTHING NOT EDWARD IS UNGOOD.

But Edward was dead set against any future that changed me. Any future that made me like him–that made me immortal, too.

An impasse, he  called it.

I couldn’t really see Edward’s point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing–not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.

And, ever so casually, Bella addresses my single greatest complaint about Stephenie’s stupid “vampires.”

Oh well, anyway. Alice asks Bella when she’s going to be up at “the house,” to which Bella immediately gets angry. She didn’t want a party! No party! No birthdays! NO FUN. BELLA IS VARY GROWNUP. She tries to come up with a few excuses for why she can’t come over, finally settling on “I have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class.” Edward agrees, saying he’ll just drag her to Chez Cullen at seven, so Alice has more time to set up.

Bella tries to argue with Edward, but, as usual, he convinces her to shut up and he gets his way.

They go to class. Now they have every class together. Bella makes an offhand comment about how “it was amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to do for him.” Silly women, so easily manipulated. I guess none of them are lesbians.

Mike, by the way, has lost some weight, and is purposely trying to style his hair like Edward’s. I grabbed a pencil and wrote “UGH” right next to this sentence. Sorry, Lukas.

We are treated to some exposition about how Bella is not used to getting presents, because she grew up po’, on her mom’s kindergarten teacher salary. Hold up here. Mom has a job, suddenly? And wait, now Bella does too. I’m confused. Am I still reading a Twilight book?

Wait, kindergarten teacher is one of those pre-approved made-for-women jobs. I see through your ruse, Smeyer.

Anyway, you guys, Edward is like so rich. He and Alice play the stock market, cause she can like, see the future, you know? So he’s like totally loaded. But Bella refuses to let him spend money on her. That’s like, so unfair, you know? Because he’s so perfect already, she has so little to offer in return. Never mind that if he started buying everything for her, too, I would probably just start sobbing incoherently.

Edward and Alice and Bella sit at the same long table as her mortal “friends” at lunch. The mortals largely ignore the vampires, because they can sense poorly written characters their predators. The other vamps have, apparently, graduated. Again. Who knows how many times they’ve done this. You know, Forks is exactly one of those small towns someone would end up spending their whole life in. Do the Cullens only come back to Forks after the oldest possible high school classmate has died, to keep the façade?

Sigh.

All right, after being treated to Brief Reminders about how the Cullens are totally vampires and school is sooo boring, Bella attempts to drive herself home. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

I folded my arms, and made no move to get out of the rain. “It’s my birthday, don’t I get to drive?”

“I’m pretending it’s not your birthday, just as you wished.”

That’s right. Edward is only letting her drive because it’s her birthday. I laughed so hard I snorted. He bitches for a while about how much her radio sucks, and then tells her to perk the hell up because it’s her birthday, damn it. They kiss.

Edward had drawn many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent being to keep me alive. Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about such trivial things like that when he was kissing me.

“Be good, please,” he breathed against my cheek.

Women are such base, thoughtless creatures, driven purely by their irrational emotions. It’s a good thing Edward is here to constantly urge her to “be good,” so he can continue to withhold sex as a means of controlling her.

They watch Romeo and Juliet. Edward bitches about what an idiot Romeo is. I find Smeyer’s attempts at irony rather pathetic. At the mutual suicide scene, Edward comments about how lucky Romeo has it, that he can just take some poison to kill himself. We are then treated to about two pages of Edward making light of his own suicidal thoughts. If Bella would have died in that last book (remember, guys? remember how “she fell down the stairs?”), he was planning to kill himself, most likely by going to Italy and pissing off the Volturi, the ruling class family of vampires. Bella is horrified at this, and reminds him that if he had died, he wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself. Are we sure this is a Twilight book?

Dad Charlie comes home, with pizza. Bella asks, hopefully, if Charlie wants her to stay home for her birthday, and he replies that there’s a Mariners game today so he won’t be good company. Awesome, Dad. Your daughter is turning 18 and you’re all “can’t talk game on.” He tosses Bella her gift, a camera (she almost drops it because she’s very clumsy remember guys she’s clumsy), and tells her… you know what, I’m just going to quote it.

“Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn’t been over in a while.” Charlie’s mouth pulled down at one corner.

“It’s been three days, Dad,” I reminded him. Charlie was crazy about Alice.

EWWWWWW EW EW EW EW EW

A teenage girl who brings her friend over and becomes aware that her parent, her dad, her father, has a thing for said friend, would be grossed. the hell. OUT. MUCH LIKE I AM.

Bella seems to think there’s not really anything wrong with this.

So we are reading a Twilight book, after all.

Edward drives Bella in her truck to Chez Cullen, bitching about her truck the whole way. My word, this man is a whiner. He tells her to try to lighten the hell up, since all the vamps in vamptown are super excited for her birthday (apparently they don’t celebrate them anymore.)

You know, I’m sorry to make this so quote-heavy, but you guys have to got to see this.

“So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything that you’d like for your birthday?”

The words came out in a whisper. “You know what I want.”

She’s talking about having a Bite Day, but I’m imagining that they’re talking about sex.

A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. […]

“Not tonight, Bella, please.”

“Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

HEYO!!

Alice doesn’t give her what she wants (not in this chapter at least), but she does decorate one hell of a party. There are paper lanterns decorating the outside, every flat surface inside the house is covered in pink candles and bowls filled with roses. A table near the piano is draped with white, and covered in yet more  candles and roses, and topped with a pink cake and a pile of silver-wrapped presents. Alice is too freaking sweet for words and I think I love her more by the minute.

It was a hundred times worse than I’d imagined.

…God, Bella is an ungrateful bitch.

The first gift is a car stereo, which Emmett is installing at this very moment, so that Bella can’t attempt to take it back. Oh, you. Edward hands her his present, assuring her that he hasn’t spent any money on it. Bella, an idiot, cuts her finger on the wrapping paper.

And all freaking Hell breaks loose as the little twit starts bleeding ever so slightly.

Edward and Jasper slam into each other, knocking Bella into the table. Jasper goes into a blood frenzy. Emmett tries to wrestle with him. Bella realizes that since she fell into a table full of crystal bowls, there is now a huge gash on her arm from all the shattered glass.

So she’s bleeding even more. Oh Lord.

Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm–into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.

All because the little bitch got a paper cut.

Before those of you who are, I don’t know, smart, start to bring up that obviously this means Jasper should be freaking out over any woman who’s on her blooming period, I have some things to enlighten you on.

Stephenie Meyer, it seems, was posed this question several times. If all it takes is a drop of blood from a papercut to send Jasper into a frenzy, how can he, or any of the vamps for that matter, attend a high school where, at best, one in every four girls is menstruating? Instead of just saying “That’s gross and I’m not writing that,” which I would have come to expect and would even have accepted from Stephenie, she said this:

Several girls wanted to know if Edward would have a more difficult time being around Bella when she’s having her period. Answer: Yes, a little bit, but he would never say anything about it–much too much of a gentleman. And Bella would be way to embarrassed to ask. (It’s not the same as a cut, though. It’s sort of “dead” blood, if you get my meaning).

I tried to find this on her website’s FAQ and it seems to have been taken down. Gee, I wonder why. It’s not like you just called nutrient-and-blood-rich uterine lining, the same stuff that is the fuel and fire for the Miracle of Life dead or anything. It’s not like you just proved what a colossal moron you are with that one simple sentence.

This series never fails to deliver.

Chapter Twenty-Four is the last chapter

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 56

Oh God, can it be? The light at the end of the tunnel? The reassuring lack of pages on the right side of this book? Am I really almost done?

Bella wakes up in a hospital. Edward is there, having never left her side. She has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, bruises all over her body, a bite mark on her hand… and do you know what they’ve told her mother?

She fell down the stairs.

Oh. My. God.

Anyway, he fills her in. James is dead, Alice saw the tape, Mom is here somewhere, etc. Bella panics when she sees the IV in her arm, because she hates needles. Ummm they don’t… leave the needle in there. Chill out, sister. Edward makes some comment about how ridiculous it is for her to be afraid of needles when she so bravely stood up to a murderous undead minion of the night intent on draining her blood. That wasn’t exactly bravery, Ed. You didn’t have to read the hotel room chapters with her curled in a ball and staring at the ceiling for hours on end.

The story they’re feeding Mom is that Edward came to Phoenix with Carlisle and Alice to “talk some sense” into Bella. Of course he came with adult supervision, he makes a point of saying, “virtuously.” Bella, being herself, managed to fall down two flights of stairs and through a window.

I’m sure the cop father will totally freaking buy this after how freaking upset she was at Edward. Fell down the stairs MY ASS.

Then there’s this little number:

He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.

He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart.

Her heart. Stops. When he kisses her.

I just. There. Her heart. What? I don’t think I have any words for how bleeding stupid this is.

Speaking of that, HOW THE CRAP ARE VAMPIRES IN A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WHEN THEY FREAK OUT AT THE SMELL OF BLOOD.

Oh God, my head.

Mom comes in, Edward pretends to be asleep. There’s the page of “you’re okay oh my sweet baby I’m so glad you’re okay,” and then Bella asks where Phil the Husband is. GUESS WHAT, Phil got signed to that baseball team he wanted in Florida and so now they’re moving to Florida oh and Bella you’re going to love it it’s so warm and sunny and the house is just darling and we’re right near the ocean and–

Bella interrupts Self-Centered Mom to inform her that she still has another parent she’s living with in Forks. Mom is aghast. She wants to stay in Forks? Mom may be egocentric, but she isn’t stupid, and soon zeroes in on the fact that it’s because of Edward.

“Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he’s incredibly good-looking, but you’re so young, Bella…”

Wait, what? 17 is too young to have a boyfriend? What rock has she been living under?

Does everyone just automatically assume she’s going to marry him? I mean, she is, but c’mon. At least inject some semblance of reality into this.

Mom starts glancing at the clock. Bella asks if visiting hours are over, and Mom lets her know that Phil is going to be calling soon.

…Okay, so. Your daughter is broken all over, has been unconscious for days, and after talking to her for maybe 20 minutes you bail because Phil is calling soon.

Between Charlie’s inattentiveness and Mom’s extreme immaturity… I think I can see how Bella sprang into being.

It’s okay, Edward is here. After Mom leaves, he expresses surprise that Bella wouldn’t want to live in Florida. She says that’d be silly–he’d have to stay indoors all day! Bella, unfortunately, has missed the point, and Edward further suggests that perhaps he should live farther from her so he doesn’t, you know, draw more vampires to her and her delicious blood.

Bella has a panic attack, right then and there. So codependent is she, she can hardly imagine what it would be like to live without this marvelous creature. Despite the fact that she was doing great just fine okay for 17 years without him. She makes him swear that he won’t ever leave her, ever, ever.

Oh Godddd.

More “I’m dangerous and could hurt you,” because we certainly haven’t gotten enough of that. Bella wants to know why he didn’t just let the venom run its course and let her become a vampire. UH OH, WHO TOLD YOU. Edward gets pissed. Bella argues, in the clearest burst of logic she has displayed in 500 pages, that she should get to save him sometimes, too, to make things more equal. Edward is having none of that. If she were a vampire, he wouldn’t be able to control her as easily she would be throwing the rest of her life away.

Dude, what life? She has no friends, no hobbies, no goals, no family (her parents are both pretty sub-par so I’m not even counting them), and essentially she just exists to get married to you and have your abominable undead baby. Speed things up here. We could have wrapped this all up in two books. Even Alice has seen this coming.

Edward says no, and that means no. Bella points out that eventually she is going to get old, like 25 old. And then it’s going to be creepy that she’s hanging out with an extremely pretty 17 year old. That actually seems to drive it home for Edward, but he ends the conversation by calling the nurse in to drug Bella up some more. I wish I were joking.

And… done!

Wait. Crap, there’s an epilogue. CRAP.

Chapter Twenty-one

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , on April 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Oh god why won’t something happen.

ADVERB COUNT: 29. But then, this chapter is only 9 pages long.

Alice is having another vision, and sketching it out. Bella watches, before giving her instructions on where appliances go. Guess what, it’s Mom’s house. DUN DUN DUNNN. Alice immediately calls the Clan, and Edward jumps on a plane to Phoenix, coming to save the day. Alice and Jasper tell Bella they will stay in the city to make sure Mom is safe.

Bella flips out, worried that Mom will get hurt, worried that Alice and Jasper will get hurt, etc. etc. Jasper, who has been getting a lot of mileage out of his manpire power, attempts to make her fall asleep, which only pisses her off. She stomps into her room where she can cry in private.

Bella spends three and a half hours rocking back and forth and staring at the wall. Good God, woman.

The phone rings. Jasper is gone, checking out of the hotel. Alice lets Bella know that Edward will be in Phoenix in just a few hours. The phone rings again. Oh man this is chilling. After a second Alice hands the phone to Bella.

Mom is panicked on the other end, asking for Bella. She sighs, tries to calm her down, and is interrupted by “a very pleasant, generic voice–the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.” Oh snap, it’s Generic Bad-Guy, and he’s got Mom!

So I guess the illustrious Forks Public School Department let crazy red-head have Bella’s records after all. Boo.

He walks Bella through a stilted conversation, trying to help prove to any vampires with her that she really is just talking to her Mom. Somehow, Alice falls for it. James threatens Mom’s life if Bella doesn’t come alone to her house and call the number left on the whiteboard there. Bella tearfully agrees, hangs up the phone, and starts to accept the fact that she’s going off to die.

Well, at least she knows there’s nothing useful she can do in this situation. Way to be a tough, clear-headed survivor, Bells.

She goes out to the main room, looking dead to the world. Alice is alarmed but, again, somehow buys Bella’s weak story of “Mom wanted to come back to Phoenix but I told her to stay where she was.”

Wait, I thought Bella was calling a house number in the previous chapter. Wouldn’t Mom already be in Phoenix for her to have gotten the number? …How the hell is Alice falling for this?

Bella ends the chapter by writing Edward a tearful, apologetic letter, for getting herself eaten. She urges him not to go after James, because that’s what the jerk wants. I love you, please, I’m sorry, don’t get hurt, etc.

The end.

Oh God SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY.

Chapter Seventeen is the American pasttime

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

My mother is now harassing me for timely, vampirely updates.

Sorry, Mom! Here’s a chapter! Don’t ground me from reading Twilight :(

ADVERB COUNT: 75. At the end of this stinkfest, I’m going to add up all the adverbs, and then try to assemble some statistics. I wonder how many pages there are of only adverbs in this thing.

Edward drives Bella home so she can change. But wait! The injuns Quileute family is waiting at her house! What, did they come just to guilt her for associating with vampires? Edward says he’ll be back so Bella can introduce him to her father Charlie, which irritates her to no end–but of course, she doesn’t try to stop him. I guess she couldn’t, could she? There’s so much potential for abuse here, I could–

Oh, wait! I’m reading “Twilight.”

Bella kisses Edward goodbye and meets Jacob and Billy on her front porch. Billy looks furious and Jacob is.. wet. It’s raining cats and dogs, like it never does in Washington. Look, folks, Washington gets a lot of rain, right, but not all at once. Our “rainstorms” cause maybe 0.8 of an inch–just ask The Weather Channel. If you want a real rainstorm, visit the East coast some time. I digress.

Billy is all suspicious and angry and came by just to drop off some fish fry. Right. Bella quickly makes something up about how her father is fishing, but not in his usual place, so don’t try to go find him there and tell him that his daughter is dating a blood-sucking monster. Billy finds a way to get Jake out of the house so he can harangue Bella properly. Bella not-so-politely hints that maybe everyone should get the hell out of her home.

Old Indian isn’t taking any of that. He mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with the Cullens, and says “Maybe it’s none of my business, but I don’t think that is such a good idea.” Bella does the second smart thing she has done in almost 400 pages and tells him he’s right, it is none of his business. They argue back and forth, wherein Old Indian tries to scare her, and suggests he’s going to tell Charlie, and Bella stands her ground, insisting that it’s none of Billy’s business who she’s seeing, and it’s certainly not any of his business whether she tells Charlie or not. He finally gets the freaking hint, and leaves when Jacob comes back from his Convenient Excuse to Get Him Out of the Conversation.

Bella’s all “UGH people caring about me I HATE THAT,” and heads upstairs to change. Stephenie is sure we want to know the intimate details of what she’s going to wear, but I will spare you, in my infinite compassion.

Jessica calls her. Who? Oh, right, her mortal friend. The one we haven’t heard about in over 130 pages. Jessica has stupid boring mortal things to talk about. Not even Bella pretends to care. She gets her off the phone when she hears her father Charlie coming home, and prepares for the most awkward dating ritual of any teen’s life–introducing the parents.

She broaches the subject gently, informing him that she was at the Cullens’ house, and she has a sort-of date with Edward tonight. Charlie nearly has a stroke, roaring about how Edwin is far too old for her. Oh, dad, it’s EDWARD, and they’re both juniors! Silly fathers who don’t pay any attention to their daughters’ lives. Charlie asks her all the usual questions (“Is he your boyfriend? Where is taking you? How long will you be out?”) which brings a lot of sighing, groaning, and eye-rolling from Bella. Good Lord, I hate teenagers.

Edward knocks at the door, standing in a “halo” of porch light, “looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” Barf barf barf. Charlie manages to resist falling deeply in love with this exquisite creature and invites him in.

“So I hear you’re getting my girl to watch baseball.” Only in Washington would the fact that is was raining buckets have no bearing at all on the playing of outdoor sports.

Uh, actually, that does stop us, from doing a lot of things. It doesn’t “rain buckets” here. It drizzles, it sprinkles, it flat-out rains, and sometimes, sometimes, it pours, and you know what happens then? Everyone stays the hell inside.

So this stunningly beautiful man his daughter has been attempting to hide from him is taking his daughter out to watch a game she has no interest in, out in the middle of nowhere, in the rain.

Of course the cop is completely okay with this. He actually makes some comment about “more power to you” for getting Bella interested in baseball. I’m going to go hit my head against the wall for a little bit. Bella stalks out, totally angry that they’re making jokes about her, UGH I HATE MEN.

Edward brought the jeep. Bella attempts to put on the off-roading harness herself, but since she is a weak, stupid woman, Edward has to help her. He uses this excuse to “linger at her neck” and “brush along her collarbones,” which, of course, makes Bella hyperventilate. Saints preserve us. If they ever had sex, all he’d have to do is stand there naked and she’d climax more times than there are adverbs in this chapter.

Edward hints that they’re going to have to “run” part of the way there, which immediately makes Bella nauseous. Last time he did the Superman Run she nearly passed out. He brushes off her concern, and off they go.

For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down on the seat like a jackhammer. He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way.

…I know why he’s smiling and it has nothing to do with the ride. Bella, hypothetical question, how much support would you say your bra gives you…?

The jeep stops, and it’s time for Superman Run. Edward thoughtfully unbuckles her harness for her, like she’s an infant being released from a child seat. Bella flat out refuses to Superman Run it, she remembers what happened last time he did that. Edward replies that he’ll just have to “tamper” with her memory.

What follows is one of the sickest scenes in the book yet. Bella told Edward “no,” so he seduces her into changing her mind. I wish I were exaggerating. He braces her against the Jeep so she can’t escape (even Stephenie describes it this way,) kisses her all over and breathes on her a lot (go go gadget aphrodisiac breath!) all the while asking her if she still doesn’t want to do it. Bella buckles and relents to letting him carry her the rest of the way.

This is incredibly disgusting. I can’t believe a woman would write this scene and continue to bill her novel as a sweet, timeless romance. I can’t believe other women are reading this and sighing in pleasure. Ladies, this is abuse. What else is he going to convince her to do later?

No, don’t tell me. I’ll read it.

Edward kisses her, and Bella, being a teenage girl in love, wraps her arms around him and kisses him back. This is a major no-no in their relationship, because if she moves while he kisses her he might be pushed over the edge. She is supposed to stand completely motionless while lip-locked. He jumps back from her, complete with a “Damn it, Bella!” and is now angry with her.

Oh. My. God.

He’s angry with her for the rest of the run. He’s even too angry to laugh at first when she falls on her ass trying to dismount him (…lol). She gets angry at him when he finally does laugh.

“Don’t be mad, I couldn’t help myself. You should have seen your face.” He chuckled before he could stop himself.

“Oh, you’re the only one who’s allowed to get mad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.”

GOOD GIRL

“I wasn’t mad at you.”

“‘Bella, you’ll be the death of me’?” I quoted sourly.

That was simply a statement of fact.”

… “You were mad,” I insisted.”

“Yes.”

“But you just said–”

“That I wasn’t mad at you.”

Oh Lord. Edward makes up some bull about how he’s just mad at himself because he can’t seem to stop from putting her in danger. He diffuses her anger by turning the situation towards pitying him, continuing with “Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger…” Poooooor murderer.

“I love you,” he said. “It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true. … Now, please try to behave yourself,” he continued, and he bent to softly brush his lips against mine.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.

God, I just can’t believe poison like this is being paid for. He loves her, ladies, don’t you see that? He can do anything he wants to her because he loves her, and that makes it all okay.

We finally get to the STUPID BASEBALL GAME. It’s in a huge field. The bases are incredibly far apart. The kids run off to play, leaving Bella with mama Esme, who I actually sort of like in spite of myself.

Bella says Esme reminds her of her own mother, to which Esme replies that she really does think of the vamps as her own children. She mentions that she had her own baby once, but he died a few days after birth, so she threw herself from a cliff.

A-ha! I knew it. So Carlisle found a woman lost to grief who just simply wanted to die, and… made her immortal so she would live with her grief forever and ever, constantly looking for the baby she lost in the twisted children Carlisle brings home to her.

I love this family.

Bella asks if Esme minds that Edward is dating a cheeseburger, and Esme says “No, you’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow,” and manages to look worried. Uh, guys, why don’t you just get Carl to bite her? One, there’s no downside to being a vampire whatsoever, and two, Carl is just messed up enough to do it.

The game starts like a fight in Dragon Ball Z — everything is simply too fast to see, so we’re treated to frames of swooshes, slashes, and vague striking lines in lieu of actual characters interacting. Alice throws so fast you can’t see a ball. Emmett hits it so fast you can’t see it fly. And the impact is so loud that it sounds exactly like the thunder pealing overhead.

Yes, that’s why they can only play during a thunderstorm. I’d like to note that neither the ball nor the bat are harmed during this, at all. They are playing with spent uranium equipment, I guess. Also, apparently when two vampires collide, it also sounds like thunder. I’m… not really sure of the reason for this. I guess vampires are also made of spent uranium.

Edward comes up to ask Bella what she thinks of the game.

“I am a little disappointed,” I teased.

“Why?” he asked, puzzled.

“Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Edward is so. incredibly. boring.

The game continues. It’s starting to sink into my mind that I am reading about super-powered sparkling vampires who play baseball in the rain and how incredibly stupid this book has become, when suddenly… plot happens.

Alice gasps, she sees the other vampires coming towards them. Edward cusses, because he can read their minds and know that they want to play too. Everyone panics, wondering what to do to protect the little girl soufflé they brought with them. Carlisle finally decides that they will continue with the game, since it seems like the other vampires are just curious and want to know what’s going on.

Bella is ordered around for a while, as everyone attempts to disguise her and her smell. Edward gets all mad at himself for putting her in danger, oh man won’t somebody pity the poor brooding people-eater. Esme asks Edward something, which he later clarifies was “Are they thirsty?”

Don’t worry, because they’re not.

That would be way too tense for this book.

Chapter Five, getting steadily creepier

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 57. Does she have a quota per chapter or something?

BELLA LIKE-O-METER was, for two paragraphs, an 8, but currently hovers around a clueless 4.

Dear Lord.

At lunch, Bella is understandably nervous and frightened that Edward is going to switch back to hating her for no good God damn reason. This doesn’t stop her from going to his table for lunch where he is sitting, alone, and beckoning to her. Her girl friends go “ooh la la” and the Bella Fan Club glares daggers at the newest stalker.

What follows is some of the more painful dialogue in the “novel” so far. Bella questions why Edward is so friendly towards her again, and he says, quote, “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”

What.

Okay, so–I’m new to this, as this is the first I’ve actually seen it mentioned in regards to “Twilight.” Does Stephenie Meyer actually hold to the bit of vampire lore that states they are the children of the Devil and are doomed to eternal damnation after the shuffle off the charade of their un-life?

And why isn’t Bella creeped the hell out by this startling admission on his part? What exactly is Edward planning to do to her?

Oh, but his face is so angelic, he couldn’t possibly be a bad person.

Edward warns her again that he is not a good friend and they shouldn’t be near each other, all the while smiling and telling her how he’s “giving up” on staying away from her. He even goes so far as to insult her intelligence for continuing to associate with him. This also doesn’t seem to bother Bella in the least.

Edward has the gall to complain that Bella is hard to read. Bella finally finds her nerve, spine, brain, and righteous female anger, and lays into him for being a confusing, manipulative, self-absorbed jerk, who has been playing her like a violin for near seven months now.

GOOD GIRL

Edward changes the subject to how the guys at her table hate him. Oh, wait, what? Distraction ego-stroking. Bella forgets she was angry at him for very valid reasons and continues marveling over how pretty he is. Edward urges her (read: manipulates her) to guess at what he is, and Bella gives a weak guess of “radioactive spiders.” Edward counters with “What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” Smiling the whole time, because he knows full and well this wouldn’t deter a single high school girl from pursuing someone. Bella insists he’s not bad (how she thinks she knows this is anybody’s guess) and Edward keeps it up by brooding over how wrong she is.

I would yawn if I didn’t feel my outrage beginning to stir. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m an adult and I was over this years ago, but Edward is pulling such an obviously manipulative plot that I can hardly stand recapping this. This only goes to prove the point further: girls like being treated like garbage.

Bella remembers that she’s at school and is going to be late for class. Edward declares he’s going to skip, because “ditching is healthy every now and then.” Oh, what ever could his reasons be?

In Biology, today’s assignment is blood-typing! Oh Lord.

Even better: Bella faints at the sight of blood! I’m dying over here.

Nothing Wrong With Mike volunteers to take Bella to the nurse. Edward, who was supposed to be ditching, magically and heroically swoops in to save Bella from Nothing Wrong With Mike. In reality, I know this is because Edward feels he is the only man qualified to “take care of her.” They go to the nurse’s office, where Edward confides that he was seriously worried that Mike was dragging her dead body off into the woods to hide it. “Your male friends are all terrible people, you only need me, after all.”

I’m paraphrasing.

Edward makes fun of her and patronizes her at length for fainting at the sight of blood. She complains that she can smell it, which Edward counters isn’t true, which I counter-counter is so too, because I know exactly what blood smells like. Do people not have bloody noses anymore and I never got the memo? Edward is a bit of a moron, it seems.

Bella recovers. Another kid comes into the office from Biology, and Edward orders Bella outside. She dutifully obeys, much to his surprise. I guess he figured it would take a few more months to program her to following his commands.

Nothing Wrong With Mike meets them out there. He must realize there is something terribly wrong with Edward, and, with a wisdom despite his age, is monitoring Bella for any signs of abuse. Mike reminds Bella of their beach trip (oh right, that), struggling to only give a few details while Edward is present. He probably suspects that Edward would follow them there to stare at Bella more. I am liking Mike more and more.

Bella doesn’t want to go to gym, so Edward chivalrously tells the nurse that Bella needs to be taken home.

Bella attempts to get into her truck to drive herself home and EDWARD THROWS A FIT.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

I was confused. “I’m going home.”

“Didn’t you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I’m going to let you drive in your condition?” His voice was still indignant.

“What condition? And what about my truck?” I complained.

I guess this is supposed to be sweet and thoughtful, but all I see is “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE, I’M THE DRIVER NOW, YOU NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BECAUSE YOU ARE A WEAK AND HELPLESS WOMAN.” When she realizes that resistance is literally futile, because he would just drag her into the car (NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY) she accuses him of being “pushy.” Ooookay.

They continue to talk, much to my chagrin. Bella is told that she seems older than her tender age of seventeen. This is absolutely not true in any regard, so I’m positive this is another ploy of Edward’s to get her further in love with him. Bella agrees with him, saying her mom had said she was “born thirty-five years old, and that I get more middle-aged every year.” Her mom is obviously mentally retarded.

Edward reminds Bella how scary and dangerous he is. I resist barfing. Bella asks if Edward is going to go the beach with them–something she knows is just not going to happen. He declines, and the parting line of the chapter is him telling her not to hurt herself at the beach while he’s not there to save and protect her. Because she is not at all capable of taking care of herself, and has failed to do so for the 17 years she lived before she met this stunning, beautiful, dazzling display of manhood.

He’s so romantic.