I have a huge dent to make in my reading, and I’ve got some free time. What better way to spend the Friday of my Memorial Day weekend than re-reading parts of New Moon? Kills brain cells better and faster than Corona, I’ll tell you that.
So Jacob never calls back. Oh noooooo now Bella will have to learn how to be happy with herself all on her own! Bella calls so much that Billy stops answering. A few days later, she drives down to see them, and the house is empty. They must be at the hospital! She rushes there and the nurse says no, they weren’t in. Isn’t that a patient confidentiality thing? Why is the nurse telling this random, zombie-looking girl who has and hasn’t checked in? She makes Dad Charlie call his friend on the rez to ask about the Blacks, and all Charlie can get is “they’re having phone line problems which is why you can’t call. Also, Jacob has something called werewolf mono?”
Bella googles “werewolf mono” because apparently she doesn’t know anything about mono good Lord. Because she is as good as a doctor, she realizes (thanks to WebMD) that Jacob couldn’t possibly have mono, because he hasn’t been kissing anyone. That you know of, Bella. Maybe the Quilbry are more than “friends,” if you catch my drift.
Bella decides that she’s going to give them a week and then start getting “pushy.”
A week was long.
And like, so totally hard! So Bella goes back to screaming herself awake every night, and Charlie dutifully ignores her. The phantom pain in her chest is getting worse. Oh, yeah, that terrible “hole” description from earlier? Keeps coming up. I am getting really freaking tired of melodramatic descriptions of how Bella has to hold herself together. She literally will double over and clutch at her sides because her chest hurts. What the hell. This is so freaking stupid.
I wasn’t handling alone well.
Saturday finally arrives and she calls Billy. Oh, Jacob is better now. He’s out. With friends. Yeah. Don’t come over. Click. Bella immediately assumes this is about her, and decides that Jacob has abandoned her because she’s just too broken and tragic for him. Charlie pretends to care about her for a few paragraphs, before leaving to go fishing, cautioning her against being outside, because, you know, bear, eating people now, that sort of thing.
Bella says, screw that, I love wandering aimlessly and alone through danger. She grabs her compass and map and decides she’s going to find her special meadow on her own.
Let’s see… three pages about her hiking and whining about how hard it is to be alone… Ah, here, she finds the stupid place. She falls down, curls into a ball, and pours out the melodrama. The meadow is empty, empty like her heart! God I wish she would just get into drugs or something. My eyes have been rolling so hard I’m afraid they’re going to pop out of my head.
But wait! A figure steps out of the woods and sees her. He’s totally a vampire? OMG IS IT EDWARD?!!!?!??!
No, it’s just Laurent.
Wait, it’s Laurent!
When we last left Laurent, he was playing turn-cloak and tattling on James to the Cullens. They sent him up to Alaska for reprogramming, so he could live a peaceful unlife eating cute bunnies and kitties instead of people.
Bella is incredibly happy to see him–stupidly so. Oh, look, a vampire, and she’s all alone! I’m just certain he’s not going to eat her and one of her boyfriends isn’t going to have to jump in and save her. This is what you get for making your own decisions, Bella!
“I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn’t expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they’d moved on.”
“Oh.” I bit my lip as the name set the raw edges of my wound throbbing.
She means the metaphorical and overdone hole in her chest. He hasn’t actually bitten her or anything yet, so don’t get too excited.
“They did move on,” I finally managed to tell him.
“Hmm,” he murmured.
What? As opposed to shouted? Has “hmm” ever not been murmured?
“I’m surprised they left you behind. Weren’t you sort of a pet of theirs?” His eyes were innocent of any intended offense.
Ha, I’d forgotten how much I liked Laurent. People don’t have feelings, they’re cattle!
So they make small talk, and Bella realizes that his eyes are still red, and not gold like good vampires. Late to the thinking party, she figures out that he’s still eating people. Like vampires are supposed to. Too bad! I hope you die.
A psychotic edisode starts up, and Edward not-so-helpfully orders Bella around through the encounter. They continue with smalltalk, bordering on monologue. I wish he would hurry up and kill her already. Bella stupidly asks if Laurent ever hooked up with Victoria again, and he’s all “Oh, yeah, you know, I’m here on a favor, but she’s going to be mad when she finds out I’ve eaten you.”
Okay, now we’re monologuing. Victoria was ever so upset when Edward killed James (even though… he didn’t. As I recall, Jasper and Emmett took him out). She reasons that she can just kill Bella, and that’ll make everything square. Laurent was here to spy on how well-protected she was, so Victoria could swoop in for the kill.
“Then why not wait for her?” I choked out.
A mischievous grin rearranged his features. “Well, you’ve caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn’t come to this place on Victoria’s mission–I was hunting. I’m quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering.”
Wait, hunting what? I thought you were eating people? Why aren’t you anywhere near a hiking trail or camp site or something? Why am I still alarmed that I’ve found a plot hole?
Bella tries begging for her life, and arguing with him, and Laurent continues to not eat her. Uggh would something happen already, it’s been like five pages.
Oh wait, here’s some werewolves.
Yeah, these huge wolves just sort of stroll into the meadow. Laurent is all “oh snap” and makes a break for it. Bella is shocked, just shocked, that a vampire ran from three wolves the size of Volkswagens, because apparently she has never seen a movie.
The meadow is empty again, and, like a white woman in a horror flick, she runs screaming and crying back to her car, falling down every thirty seconds. I’m dismayed when her truck starts immediately. That is not part of the cliché, Stephenie!
Bella returns home, freaked out, and Charlie actually notices. She tells him the bear is not, in fact, a bear, but three enormous wolves. He comments that the ranger had said the tracks were all wrong for a bear, but wolves just don’t get that big. Right, which is more likely–a bear with wolf legs, or a really big wolf? Forks is populated by idiots.
By the way, Charlie saw Jacob down at the rez, and apparently he’s grown another half-foot. That’s not odd at all! Ho hum. Bella goes to bed terrified that a red-headed vampire is going to come kill her in the night.
Did Victoria even have any lines in Twilight?
Checking… ahh… nope. Not a single line. She hovers behind the two men and looks crazy a lot. That’s it. Wow.
I hope she’s more interesting than James was.