Archive for she researched something!

Chapter Eight proves that Bella is a colossal moron

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

ADVERB COUNT: 79. 79!! I really think I’m on to something with this whole “Edward makes adverbs” theory.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a haughty 2 and a half.

Good lord, this is getting ridiculous.

Bella and her grrl-friends go shopping in Port Angeles. I have to admit, I have not actually been to Port Angeles, so I am currently googling it. It looks like Smeyer got close to right on the name of the restaurant they go to–it’s Bella Italia, not La Bella Italia. A minor point.

An aside, I would also like to tell you that, much to my horror, there is a Twilight-related gift shop in P.Angeles called “Dazzled By Twilight.” Barf barf barf barf.

I guess I should actually recap this chapter. Where was I? Bella and her grrl-friends are shopping for dresses. It’s thrilling stuff. When they finish, Bella decides that what she’s always wanted to do is wander aimlessly through a town she’s unfamiliar with, alone, with no protection, and so she does so. Her friends barely argue. Something about a book store. I’m alarmed that a girl from Phoenix Freaking Arizona is totally okay with going anywhere on her own, until I remember that this is Bella we’re talking about. And they say Darwin got it wrong.

She attempts to find a bookstore, and is disappointed to find only a New Age store, with crystals, beaded curtains, and a white-haired hippy woman at the counter. Sweetheart, welcome to Western Washington. Gird your loins and clear your chakras.

After more aimless meandering, thinking desperately of Edward, Bella realizes that she’s alone, in a dark part of town, at night, with a group of rough-looking men leering at her. And is somehow shocked.


Bella attempts to outpace her would-be attackers, and is caught in a clever trap, only to have Edward come out of nowhere in the Volvopire and save her. She does not even question why he is here, she simply follows his barked commands and gets in his car. I would say this is out of the frying pan and into the oven, but we are getting beat over the head with how “safe” Bella feels around him, so I’m not surprised to see that all she does is moon at him for being a hero.

Edward is livid–probably because his future snack almost got herself offed–and explains that he has a problem with his temper, and that he is considering running the hoodlums down and murdering them. We are supposed to be awed by his dedication to protecting Bella. I am wondering when he’s going to snap and Bella has to start telling stories about how she “fell down the stairs.”

Bella is driven back to the Italian restaruant her friends were going to meet her at, rather than the police station. I mean, duh, what could they possibly do? She is shocked that Edward knew which restaurant to go to. Her friends are understandably scared and are glad to see she’s okay, although both of them are wary of Edward suddenly appearing out of freaking nowhere to save her. They’ve already eaten–Edward insists that he is buying Bella dinner and then driving her home personally, despite her protests. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling.

Edward charms the pants off the greeter, and this lovely exchange occurs:

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

“Do what?”

“Dazzle them like that–she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

He seemed confused. […] He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. “I dazzle people?”

“You haven’t noticed? Do you think everyone gets their way so easily?”

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?

If only I didn’t already have my tagline.

Dinner is… awkward? Awkward is a good word. The manpire attempts once again to explain just how dangerous he is by telling Bella if she hadn’t had dinner with him he probably would have committed a few murders tonight. He admits that he can read minds and that’s how he knew they were going to Port Angeles–he followed her here. Bella at this point thinks to herself “Should I be upset that he’s following me?” and immediately dismisses this.

I clutch at my skull in despair.

He also makes a point of mentioning this is actually the third time he’s saved her life–the first being that time in Biology when he totally almost ate her. You guys remember that? What a riot! Oh man, she dodged a bullet there.

They start their drive home, wherein Edward indicates that it’s Bella’s turn to start talking. Oh, this should be rich.


Chapter Six has indians!

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , on April 7, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely


BELLA LIKE-O-METER: one one one one one one one one >_<

Bella asks her dad Charlie if the place near Goat Rocks, south of Rainier, is good for camping (since Edward said that’s where he’d be today and she’s going to be spending all day thinking about him.) Charlie says it’s a terrible place to camp, on account of the bears.

I hope he doesn’t mean grizzlies. Oh god.

She also doesn’t intend to tell Charlie that Edward will be going with her on her trip to Seattle. It’ll be great when she disappears and nobody knows why.

It’s the beach trip!

Yawn. Mikes fawns over her, Jessica gets mad at her, etc., etc., I so could not care less about Bella and her unintentional love triangles at this point.

I am also fed up with how clumsy Bella is. She cannot sit by a tide pool without worrying she’s going to fall in. She cannot sit without worrying about falling. This is not a simple flaw anymore so much as a physical condition. Has it always been this bad? Why hasn’t anyone gotten her inner ear checked? CAT scans? MRIs? Anyone?

Some native kids show up from the nearby reservation. The youngest is Jacob, described as looking 14 or 15. I know this is going to be important and incredibly creepy later.

One of the girls asks, scorn in her voice, why no one thought to invite the Cullens, which is the perfect time for the oldest res. kid to say “The Cullens don’t come here.” Oh, so ominous. Bella is desperate to know more, so she does what any woman would do–pretends to flirt with the 15 year old to pump him for information.

I AM NOT KIDDING. She takes the 15 year old on a long walk, flutters her eyes at him, asks him if he comes up to Forks much, and at one point even narrates that this is what Edward has done to her so it’s probably going to work. So full of hate. Of course Jacob falls for it and of course he tells her all about why the Cullens can’t come to the beach.

The Quileutes of Stephenie’s world believe they descended from wolves. A brief jaunt to wiki tells me this is true–a traveling shapeshifter found a wolf and transformed him into a man, thus creating the first Quileute. Jacob also tells a story about the flood, saying that the Quileute tied their canoes to the tops of trees to survive which.. is also true! Did this woman actually research something?

For some reason she felt the need to make a vampire story for them. Oh, I’m sorry, “cold ones.” Jacob says his great-grandfather encountered a tribe of cold ones that didn’t eat people, and told them if they stay off their land, they’ll leave them alone. Bella’s all “oh so the cold ones are like the Cullens rite,” and Jacob says no, they’re the same cold ones.

Ooooooh. I’m so shocked.