Let me just say that this chapter reminded me of why I missed Edward.
Bella wakes up, and Edward is still there. She believes she is hallucinating him, or that she has died and somehow Edward is in Heaven? I honestly have no idea. She finally gets herself together long enough to ask what time it is and how long she was sleeping. It’s one in the morning, she was asleep for 14 hours.
So they arrived in Forks at nine in the morning? Then they landed in Sea-Tac at about the same time the sun was rising. Oh I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers.
Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned Edward from the house, on account of Bella going missing for three days… which is probably the only smart thing Charlie has done in almost 1,000 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he pick now to act like her father? I just did the math, btw, and she was gone for two days. But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.
They make small talk, because of course that’s what you do after you rescue your ex-boyfriend from his own suicide. Edward has been tracking Victoria, actually, which leads him into this huge apology about how he should have been paying attention to Victoria’s thoughts that one day back when they played baseball, because then he’d see that she and James were mates and that obviously she’d want to kill Bella too.
Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing.
Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.
Edward, in a patronizing sort of way (because this is Edward we’re talking about) asks if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.
“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”
“So what if I was dead?”
That’s what I’m saying!
Edward takes this moment again to insult her (“Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”). Uh, yeah, Ed, we all do. “I don’t want you. I’m tired of being human. Yadda yadda.” How could we possibly freaking forget after the 500 pages of hole-talk.
So Edward finally owns up and admit that he was lying when he said all that. SHOCK!! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he’d never get rid of her, and she’d never understand that he was dumping her to protect her, so he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course.
Then things get… well, as messed up as only Edward can make it.
“I lied, and I’m so sorry–sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.
“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”
That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault.
God, Edward, I missed you.
He shakes her some, and says “Bella, really, what were you thinking?” and she starts crying.
Good God all the Twitards were right, this really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her.
I will never find true love like this!
Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out.
Oh, the Volturi come back up. Here we go! Edward insists that the Volturi are not a problem, because we count years like they count seconds, and they probably won’t remember Bella before she turns thirty.
Bella flips the hell out. THIRTY?! BUT… BUT THAT’S SO OLD!! Not even joking, guys, look:
“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay? But let me get all old anyway? Right.”
Thirty–It’s All Old.
“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.
He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”
“That is seriously…” I looked for the right word. “Sick.”
Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick.
Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid.