Archive for psychotic edisode

Chapter Twenty-Four

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”


I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?


Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.


Chapter Thirteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

…is called “Killer.” It really should just be called “Big Fat Whining Crying Hypocrite.”

Bella has decided to drive down to La Push and confront Jacob, who is now a killer, and killing is wrong. But she also wants to warn him that her dad is going to try to shoot him.

It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?

Are the two mutually exclusive, suddenly? She bangs on the door to the Blacks’ house, and demands to see Jacob.  Billy lies and says he doesn’t know where Jacob is, until Bella informs him that Charlie and his friends are out hunting gigantic wolves, and suddenly Billy remembers that Jacob is in his room sleeping. Bella busts in to yell at him, but is overwhelmed with pity and the urge to protect him as soon as she sees him vulnerable and sleeping. Silly, stupid women, all soft-hearted and useless. She tells Billy she’s going to be on the beach and she wants to talk to Jacob when he wakes up. I’m not sure why she bothers, since Billy hasn’t exactly been trustworthy, straightforward, or, um, adult, for this whole series. He’s probably going to pay Jacob to break up with Bella now.

Bella sits on the beach and is all introspective. When Bella gets introspective, I want to cry.

Seeing Jacob like that–innocent and vulnerable in sleep–had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn’t condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn’t work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.

… Well, then. That explains just about everybody’s behavior for all four of these books. Love isn’t logical! So stop trying to do smart things!

Jacob arrives, pleased that Bella was smart enough to figure out his oh-so-super-secretive secret. She warns Jacob about the traps and guns, which he brushes off, now growing angry that she couldn’t have just called him (since she’s in so much danger now that he’s a werewolf). He makes some comment about how the rangers are just making things more difficult, and they’re just going to start disappearing, too, which makes Bella all mad and stuff.

“What more can we do?” […]

“Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?” I suggest in a whisper.

Very supportive, Bella. Very smart. You certainly are a caring individual.

“You’re such a hypocrite, Bella–there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?” His hands shook with anger.

Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?”

That wooshing sound you just heard was Jacob’s point flying approximately 300m above Bella’s head.

“Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m not just as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”

You know, Jacob is pretty awesome.

They continue bitching at each other, with Bella insisting that the white folk vampires are in fact sooo much better than the injuns werewolves because they, like, don’t eat people. Anymore. Edward starts whispering in Bella’s ear again as Jacob begins to lose his temper, and Bella switches tactics to begging Jake to stop killing people. Jacob’s all “Killing people? What?”

Ohhh, misunderstandings. Bella explains she has no problem with him turning into a furry blender of death (of course), it’s that he and his pack are eating people. Jacob says they haven’t eaten people, they’ve been trying to stop the vampire that’s been eating people. Oops! Sorry I called you a murderer! BFF again?

They make up. Jacob explains further that the only reason the werewolves exist is because vampires do, and their entire purpose is to kill vampires and keep them from eating people. Sounds awesome! Bella asks if they’re still hunting Laurent, and Jacob’s all what, that one guy who wanted to bite you? Nah, we tore him apart ages ago.

I’m not sure how this works. Maybe Stephenie has a pseudo-science explanation for it later. I thought the only way to kill a vampire was tear it to pieces and then light the pieces on fire? Werewolves supercede that? Why didn’t Edward mention any of this?

“It was so easy, it was hardly fun!”

“What was so easy?”

“Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don’t  count that towards the whole murder thing,” he added quickly. “Vampires don’t count as people.”

Haha you marry a dhampyr in the last book, you poor son of a bitch.

P.S., if werewolves lose their temper, they turn into a wolf and go into a frenzy. Bella asks if this means they don’t need a full moon, and Jacob rolls his eyes and says “Hollywood’s version doesn’t get much right.” Apparently. Vampires have no flaws and werewolves are all Native Americans. Who knew!

They’re still after this other vampire chick, who they assume was Laurent’s mate. Bella goes into a cold sweat, nearly faints/screams, vomits, all the usual Bella behaviors, before finally telling him that Victoria is actually after her. Oh, well, that changes things. Jacob sets her on her feet and runs off into the forest. Bella, iron-willed, has a panic attack at being left alone. Jacob reappears and says he was letting his friends know, telepathically, what was going on. Yes. Werewolves are telepathic. There are telepathic werewolves in this book.

Also, the reason Jacob couldn’t tell Bella what was going on is because Sam put a compulsion on him. Sam, you see, is the Alpha of the pack, and they all have to do what he says. It’s a wolf thing, Jacob says. I’m curious to see what other “wolf things” come up, because, knowing Stephenie, she probably got as far as “Wolf packs have hierarchy!” and left her research at that.

Sam is totally a cool guy, by the way, because he was the first of the new generation of werewolves, and had to suffer through it on his own before the other kids changed. I guess that makes him cool. More like pitiable? I don’t really buy it, and it gets worse later.

“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you?” he murmured.

I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.

“Did you ever think… that maybe… you’re better off?”

I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.”

“‘Cause he wasn’t the best–”

“Please, Jacob,” I interrupted, begging in a whisper. “Could we please not talk about this? I can’t stand it.”

She just doesn’t want to admit that he’s right.

So anyway, Jacob drags her off to meet the pack since she’s got insider information and can tell them how to stop Victoria. When you consider that the best Bella has going for her in these books is a series of big strong men willing to jump into danger to save her, I really don’t know what “skills” she’s going to be able to bring to this little party.

I’m sure the werewolves with notoriously bad tempers will be happy to see her, though.

Chapter Eleven

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I want you all to suffer as I have.

Another week passes. Bella looks pale and terrified and jumps at everything. Charlie doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Ugh.

Bella obsesses over why Jacob has dumped her, rather than accepting that he’s a jerk and moving on with her life. After another week, she finally figures that it’s because of Sam Uley. Good lord.  Well, now that she knows it’s not her fault, she’s going to rush in there and save him from the cult!

The cult with no harmful behaviors whatsoever. The cult that prides itself on protecting the people of the reservation. The cult we have no proof of whatsoever. But, omg, let’s totally worry ourselves with it.

Bella calls Charlie to tattle on the injuns, telling him that there’s some sort of gang down there and Sam is the head of it. Charlie patronizes her and tells her Sam is a good kid so stop freaking whining (…paraphrasing). He tells her he’s way too busy with this wolf thing to play her stupid teenager drama games, the big brutes are definitely eating people now so they need to go shoot them.

Bella drives to the res, and runs into Quil, who has also grown a noticeable amount since the last time she saw him. She figures growth hormones. Totally not werewolves! Also, I know which one Quil is, now that we finally have a description–he’s the burly one with the short hair. Quil is depressed as hell, and Bella gives him a lift home.

Quil expositions that Jacob is avoiding him, and hanging out with Embry and Paul and Sam a lot. Quil hates Sam, too, which I still don’t get.  Quil calls it a cult, despite the fact that it has no cult-like behaviors whatsoever and really just looks like Sam’s made all three of them his bitch.

He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.

Just his face was frightened. The rest of him was okay.

So Bella parks her ass in front of the Blacks’ house and does her homework, waiting for Jacob to show up. When he finally does, he’s angry, taller, and his hair is short. Also, he’s aged. Yes! He’s older. Werewolves age to 21 when they have their first change, because then they can legally get into R rated movies, and date the female protagonist.

Guys, I’m not joking.

Anyway, Jacob is mad, unhappy that Bella is stalking him now. Bella wishes she were, like, totally a vampire, so she could like bite Sam and kill him, and stuff. That’d be so rad!!!

Jacob shoos off the other boys and talks to Bella alone. Jacob was all wrong about the cult thing, as it turns out. But he can’t tell Bella why. She can read these brochures, though, and come in for a free e-meter reading.

Bella gives him crap for hanging out with Sam and not her. Jacob insists that Sam is not the bad guy he thought he was. He gets so angry he starts shaking, and Bella cries, because yelling at him didn’t work.

“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex. […]

“Then who should I blame?” I retorted.

He halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing.

“You don’t want to hear that.”

No, let’s have it. Is it the Democrats? Gays? Canadians? The guys who picked on you in school? The goth kids who made you listen to Marilyn Manson and so now you totally like worship the Devil and stuff?

“The hell I don’t!” I snapped. “I want to know, and I want to know now.” […]

“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

Oh snap! Go, Jacob!

Bella is shocked that someone could possibly not like vampires. She then tries to play dumb, like, “what, you hate mosquitos, I don’t get it.” Jacob insists that it’s the Cullens, he believes his dad now, totally not a werewolf, etc. Jacob shakes a little more, and Edward starts whispering unhelpful hints in Bella’s ear again. But she’s like, totally not in danger! Jacob isn’t going to turn into a gigantic wolf, that’s just silly!

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”

The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.

Good show. He’s not your boyfriend until he hurts you, and then you’re all “OH NO DON’T DUMP ME.” What a callous little bitch! How the hell am I supposed to like her??

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie.

But not an actual lie. Good little caring perfect Bella would never actually lie.

“Maybe… maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you just give me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”

C’mon, Jake, she needs you! When she’s alone, she realizes what a two-dimensional character she is, devoid of any personality, hopes, dreams, or fears that are unrelated to her love interest! You make her rounded!

He resists, saying something about how he’s a tortured beast and a bad person, and sends her home.

…Well, he goes into his house, at least. Bella just sort of stands there in the rain looking pathetic. Waaaaah someone I wasn’t even dating dumped me, now I have to stand on my own two feet, maybe if I stand out here and get wet he’ll feel bad and change his mind, waaaaah!

Billy finally has to tell her to GTFO. She drives home like a zombie. Charlie gets all mad and calls Billy to tattle on Jacob. Billy blames it all on Bella, saying she led Jacob on, which couldn’t possibly be it, because Bella was always so clear that she and Jacob were just friends.

Bella knows that it isn’t possibly her fault (see above) so it must be that Billy is hiding a huge secret, to try to get Charlie against her. I love that Billy’s social skills are as developed and mature as a 15 year old in an AOL chatroom.

Bella cries and cries and cries and cries the poor thing. She is probably the single most useless female character ever invented.

Oh, there’s something at the window. Is Victoria here to finally end this stupid series? Chapter end!

Chapter Ten

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , on May 22, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I have a huge dent to make in my reading, and I’ve got some free time. What better way to spend the Friday of my Memorial Day weekend than re-reading parts of New Moon? Kills brain cells better and faster than Corona, I’ll tell you that.

So Jacob never calls back. Oh noooooo now Bella will have to learn how to be happy with herself all on her own! Bella calls so much that Billy stops answering. A few days later, she drives down to see them, and the house is empty. They must be at the hospital! She rushes there and the nurse says no, they weren’t in. Isn’t that a patient confidentiality thing? Why is the nurse telling this random, zombie-looking girl who has and hasn’t checked in? She makes Dad Charlie call his friend on the rez to ask about the Blacks, and all Charlie can get is “they’re having phone line problems which is why you can’t call. Also, Jacob has something called werewolf mono?”

Bella googles “werewolf mono” because apparently she doesn’t know anything about mono good Lord. Because she is as good as a doctor, she realizes (thanks to WebMD) that Jacob couldn’t possibly have mono, because he hasn’t been kissing anyone. That you know of, Bella. Maybe the Quilbry are more than “friends,” if you catch my drift.

Bella decides that she’s going to give them a week and then start getting “pushy.”

A week was long.

And like, so totally hard! So Bella goes back to screaming herself awake every night, and Charlie dutifully ignores her. The phantom pain in her chest is getting worse. Oh, yeah, that terrible “hole” description from earlier? Keeps coming up. I am getting really freaking tired of melodramatic descriptions of how Bella has to hold herself together. She literally will double over and clutch at her sides because her chest hurts. What the hell. This is so freaking stupid.

I wasn’t handling alone well.

No, really?

Saturday finally arrives and she calls Billy. Oh, Jacob is better now. He’s out. With friends. Yeah. Don’t come over. Click. Bella immediately assumes this is about her, and decides that Jacob has abandoned her because she’s just too broken and tragic for him. Charlie pretends to care about her for a few paragraphs, before leaving to go fishing, cautioning her against being outside, because, you know, bear, eating people now, that sort of thing.

Bella says, screw that, I love wandering aimlessly and alone through danger. She grabs her compass and map and decides she’s going to find her special meadow on her own.

Let’s see… three pages about her hiking and whining about how hard it is to be alone… Ah, here, she finds the stupid place. She falls down, curls into a ball, and pours out the melodrama. The meadow is empty, empty like her heart! God I wish she would just get into drugs or something. My eyes have been rolling so hard I’m afraid they’re going to pop out of my head.

But wait! A figure steps out of the woods and sees her. He’s totally a vampire? OMG IS IT EDWARD?!!!?!??!

No, it’s just Laurent.

Wait, it’s Laurent!

When we last left Laurent, he was playing turn-cloak and tattling on James to the Cullens. They sent him up to Alaska for reprogramming, so he could live a peaceful unlife eating cute bunnies and kitties instead of people.

Bella is incredibly happy to see him–stupidly so. Oh, look, a vampire, and she’s all alone! I’m just certain he’s not going to eat her and one of her boyfriends isn’t going to have to jump in and save her. This is what you get for making your own decisions, Bella!

“I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn’t expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they’d moved on.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip as the name set the raw edges of my wound throbbing.

She means the metaphorical and overdone hole in her chest. He hasn’t actually bitten her or anything yet, so don’t get too excited.

“They did move on,” I finally managed to tell him.

“Hmm,” he murmured.

What? As opposed to shouted? Has “hmm” ever not been murmured?

“I’m surprised they left you behind. Weren’t you sort of a pet of theirs?” His eyes were innocent of any intended offense.

Ha, I’d forgotten how much I liked Laurent. People don’t have feelings, they’re cattle!

So they make small talk, and Bella realizes that his eyes are still red, and not gold like good vampires. Late to the thinking party, she figures out that he’s still eating people. Like vampires are supposed to. Too bad! I hope you die.

A psychotic edisode starts up, and Edward not-so-helpfully orders Bella around through the encounter. They continue with smalltalk, bordering on monologue. I wish he would hurry up and kill her already. Bella stupidly asks if Laurent ever hooked up with Victoria again, and he’s all “Oh, yeah, you know, I’m here on a favor, but she’s going to be mad when she finds out I’ve eaten you.”

Okay, now we’re monologuing. Victoria was ever so upset when Edward killed James (even though… he didn’t. As I recall, Jasper and Emmett took him out). She reasons that she can just kill Bella, and that’ll make everything square. Laurent was here to spy on how well-protected she was, so Victoria could swoop in for the kill.

“Then why not wait for her?” I choked out.

A mischievous grin rearranged his features. “Well, you’ve caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn’t come to this place on Victoria’s mission–I was hunting. I’m quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering.”

Wait, hunting what? I thought you were eating people? Why aren’t you anywhere near a hiking trail or camp site or something? Why am I still alarmed that I’ve found a plot hole?

Bella tries begging for her life, and arguing with him, and Laurent continues to not eat her. Uggh would something happen already, it’s been like five pages.

Oh wait, here’s some werewolves.

Yeah, these huge wolves just sort of stroll into the meadow. Laurent is all “oh snap” and makes a break for it. Bella is shocked, just shocked, that a vampire ran from three wolves the size of Volkswagens, because apparently she has never seen a movie.

The meadow is empty again, and, like a white woman in a horror flick, she runs screaming and crying back to her car, falling down every thirty seconds. I’m dismayed when her truck starts immediately. That is not part of the cliché, Stephenie!

Bella returns home, freaked out, and Charlie actually notices. She tells him the bear is not, in fact, a bear, but three enormous wolves. He comments that the ranger had said the tracks were all wrong for a bear, but wolves just don’t get that big. Right, which is more likely–a bear with wolf legs, or a really big wolf? Forks is populated by idiots.

By the way, Charlie saw Jacob down at the rez, and apparently he’s grown another half-foot. That’s not odd at all! Ho hum. Bella goes to bed terrified that a red-headed vampire is going to come kill her in the night.

Did Victoria even have any lines in Twilight?

Checking… ahh… nope. Not a single line. She hovers behind the two men and looks crazy a lot. That’s it. Wow.

I hope she’s more interesting than James was.

Chapter Eight

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

Jacob begins the arduous process of teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Or, rather, he would, if the author herself knew anything about riding a motorcycle.

They finally get the stupid thing started, and as Bella begins to accelerate forward, she, of course, hears Edward’s voice in her head.

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.

I love how she never imagines him apologizing for hurting her, or telling her how much he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Edisode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.  The more she tries the bike, the more she hallucinates Edward trying to control her some more, which, for some reason, makes her happy. When she finally starts zooming down the road, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast it was “blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it,” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, the stupid bitch is not dead. The bike lands on her, she takes a face dive, and she just sort of bleeds from her head a little. That’s it.

Jacob insists on driving her to the hospital. Bella resists, because the hospital, will, of course, ask questions. Good God. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around her head, puts the bikes in the back of the truck. The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

Also, she hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly, so she can try to kill herself again tonight. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ♥

She takes some time to stare at Jacob while he’s missing a shirt.

Jacob noticed my scrutiny.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.

Wow. Way to “break it off,” you little slut. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea now.

Anyway, she has seven stitches in her head, ho hum. Bella’s very clumsy so she’s used to this sort of thing by now. Remember, guys? Remember her one flaw? Remember how very clumsy she is? She tells her father that she fell and hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage, which Charlie doesn’t really give a second thought to. I love how she can lie without a second thought.

She seems to be healing, at any rate. The pain of losing her ~*one true love*~ isn’t as intense now that she’s got delusions and Jacob the Wonder Rebound to keep her distracted.

We get a time-skip of about two weeks, and narrative is introduced by way of saying that Bella was in the ER again and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the “I fell” excuse.

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner.

I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.

Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

“This didn’t happen in the garage,” I protested quickly. “We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.”

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically.

You know, a good father would have gone “mysterious injuries, bizarre cover-up stories… what is that boy doing to you?” Charlie just sort of lets her convince him it’s because she was working at a sporting goods store and it “rubbed off” on her.

In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually, you know, doing things in life, even if her reasons are self-destructive and harmful on multiple levels. Now that Edward is gone, she seems to have some modicum of freedom, freedom that Jacob is keen to encourage in her. It’s too bad everyone keeps telling me that Smeyer later writes Jacob as a major flaming douche bag. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

Bella complains to Jacob that Charlie is getting nosy, and he suggests they cool the bikes. Bella tries to think of some other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals.

Jacob, an injun, already knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course for their hike, joking about seeing the “super bear.” When they finally get to where they’re going, he’s surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But Bella felt ~*so safe*~ around Edward, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger senses.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking going on here, but I’ll spare you the details. Bella eventually asks if Jacob’s heard from Embry since he joined Samentology. Jacob says he hasn’t, gets all bummed, and puts an arm around Bella. Her justification for not shaking it off and attempting to reestablish their boundaries is he just looked sooo sad. Good God, I hate this bitch.

Anyway, they don’t find the meadow, and agree to try tomorrow. I seriously feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this chapter. Why won’t something happen. Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches? For Christ’s sake, she could have cut all this “character development” bull she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole hateful, virulent series into one God damn book.

Please, Stephenie, please, inflict your midlife crisis on someone else.