Chapter Nineteen

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

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104 Responses to “Chapter Nineteen”

  1. Alice and Bella’s dialogue when she contemplates changing her reminds me of really bad femmeslash/yuri fiction.

    That’s sad that she has to mess up an Italian town. It really isn’t fair…. :<

  2. Veloxiraptor Says:

    Why on Earth would Bella need to be “sharp” for the Italy trip? I mean, it’s not like she provides any kind of useful service or anything.

  3. I don’t think you’ve gotten there yet (since it’s in book three)
    but Leah is a werewolf also. And I thought it would be amazing
    if Leah and Alice became an awesome lesbian couple.

    Buttttt noooo. No. no no.

  4. Di-chan Says:

    It is amusing to interpret Alice’s offer to “bite” Bella another way, because it begs the question– is Alice implying to turn Bella or has Bella annoyed Alice enough to just out right nom her and just cliam a lapse in control?

    • Softspoken Says:

      Someone please find a picture of Alice OMNOMNOM-ing Bella on the plane. So that I can caption it as: “Even Alice can only take so much Bella-drama”

      • Makokam Says:

        Oh, that would be so awesome.
        Frankly though, just reading these recaps is making want to read some Bella/Alice fanfiction, just because the concept amuses me so much.(That and it will probably be better than the books.)

  5. A Chapter 19 Haiku:

    Edward Sparkleing
    Screams, what a horrible sight
    Abomination

    Because if he sparkles, and you know he will, the townsfolk will HAVE TO KILL HIM

    • Softspoken Says:

      To be perfectly honest, wouldn’t the thought “OMG ANGEL! REPENT NOW, IT’S THE LAST DAYS!” come to your head first if you saw an (apparently) beautiful man who shone in daylight?

      • I’d love to see his reaction to THAT one:
        “No, no, no! Get off your knees you dumb humans! I am a dark, scary creature of scary darkness! I eat bears! This sparkly skin is the skin of a KILLERRRRR!!!!! And stop talkin’ to me in Latin, I’m too jet-lagged for this shit.”

      • LOL Becky

        (I wanted to reply to you but it wouldn’t let me :-( boo)

      • That or, “Okay, I thought the Pride Italia Parade was next week…”

  6. [I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy.]

    I think it’s because she was planning on the movie deals and hello much easier to shoot a movie (and get deals) in real cities.

    If Alice would have bit her it’d be awesome. Because don’t vampire sire’s have some control over the newborn? Lesbian s/m fantasy right there.

  7. I just read on wikipedia (sigh) that one of the Volturi has the “power to sense relationships”, what the hell does that mean?… he can tell who’s with who without checking it on Facebook, I guess?

    oh!… and things like: “I can totally sense she’s your daughter, and not because she looks like you or anything… I’m SENSING IT”, yeah that must be it!

    • *facepalm* Yeah I….. just got to that part. His entire purpose is to talk about how strongly Bella and Edward love each other.

      • Di-chan Says:

        So he has the Ultimate Power to Gossip? Sounds like that poor, poor character got the short end of the stick upon his creation.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        SMayer is totally trying to get a Gossip Girl vibe mixed with manpire powers. The dude won’t tell how Alice is a chick magnet, though. God forbid they outing her!

      • I think I would prefer to be the one who is apparently in charge, even though he doesn’t have a power.

  8. Dear God, your recaps make my day

    [Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.]

    I was struck by 2 things in this quote. 1) the overwhelming urge to laugh, 2) the thought of Edward ripping off his clothes in the middle of a crowded street and glittering like a disco ball and blinding people…. What is that going to achieve other than everyone thinks your flamboyantly gay, seeing as everyone thinks of Vamps in the Hollywood sense and no one knows they sparkle

  9. “everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.”
    I almost died that was brilliant.

    Anyways if you look on Wikipedia Smeyer actually ADMITS to not doing any research on vampires before writing her book. Now of course she has people who stand to her right an left and tell her when to STFU when she is really getting herself in a hole, but I firmly believe when some one who writes a VAMPIRE novel doesn’t research VAMPIRES, they probably don’t research anything.

    P.S. Stephen King says she has no talent. NOW that’s harsh. I would prolly kill myself if I was in her position.

  10. Bendemolena Says:

    God I love reading these. :3

    Have you read this quote by SMeyer, though? I’m not entirely sure where it’s from, unfortunately–

    “Actually Bella and Edward’s love story is better than them. When I was in college I wrote a paper from a feminist perspective (it’s an easy way to write) on The Princess Bride so I am little biased. The problem I have with Westley and Buttercup is Buttercup is an idiot and it doesn’t bother anyone, all that matters is that she’s beautiful, that is her only value. At the end she redeems herself a bit, but the female characters are very weak in that story. Westley is brave and smart and fights, Buttercup is just beautiful, it’s her only thing: her brain means nothing, her personality means nothing to him, they have the kind of love where they can’t leave without each other. It’s not a great example to me. I couldn’t find one who was a really good comparison [to Edward and Bella] to me, I mean, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr.Darcy’s it’s pretty good, except you should think that if either one of them dies the other one will carry on bravely, and Romeo and Juliet were kind of idiots, they didn’t know each other very well.”

    Just.. there’s so much wrong with that entire thing, I don’t know where to start.

    • ……Wow.

      I, for one, would take Buttercup over Bella any day. Buttercup never whined on and on and on and fainted over nothing and vomited or screamed at the slightest provocation. Useless, indeed.

      “Romeo and Juliet were kind of idiots, they didn’t know each other very well.”

      Hey, Bella? What’s Edward’s middle name?

      Even if this isn’t from Smeyer, it’s so full of dumb I can hardly stand it.

      • Link here for some more snips where she calls Rhett (from Gone with the Wind) mean. :lol: http://community.livejournal.com/antishurtugal/334843.html

        Also, I literally paused and re-read the line where she said she wrote a paper from the feminine perspective. What did she have a friend ghost write it for her?

      • Ha! I love how she compares Edward to all these other romance classic heroes, like her character is clearly the best. She’s so freaking sick. “None of those other heroines lost an Edward.” It’s a good freaking thing, I don’t know if I could stand more than one Edward Cullen in literature.

      • Jezebel Says:

        *Sigh* Not to mention, The Princess Bride is a flippin’ SATIRE! Of COURSE Buttercup is the most beautiful woman in the entire world (the book spends hilarious pages describing the other beautiful women before she takes first place). Of COURSE she’s a damsel in distress – that’s the point. She’s an archetype. Down to her ridiculously twee name.

        And Smeyer doesn’t have the wit to know that, actually, William Goldman was making fun of the type of “True Wuv” she hackishly flings about her so-called plots while snidely disparaging REAL works of literature for reasons that show how much she Just. Doesn’t. Get. It. Dunning-Kruger effect, anyone?

        This moron probably read American Psycho and thought Jean the secretary was the perfect person to save Pat Bateman from himself, and wouldn’t it have been sooooo romantic if they’d gotten together in the end, tee hee! I hope her Prof laughed his ass off when she submitted her paper on TPB. /rant

      • Again, ROMEO AND JULIET ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE ARCHETYPE OF TRUE LOVE. They are, however, the archetype of teenage stupidity. So, in that regard, Edward and Bella are “better” than them.

        As for Buttercup, sure she’s a damsel in distress, but she has enough of a backbone to try to escape from Vizini, shove the Man in Black down a hill, and tell Prince Humperdinck to go fuck himself.

        In other words, she’s physically weak but emotionally strong. Which is why it’s believeable that a male protagonist could fall (and stay) in twue wuv with her.

      • Softspoken Says:

        And she made it through the Fire Swamp. The fact that Westley is crazy-skilled helps, but she wasn’t whimpering through the book, that’s for sure.

      • Coming back for more Buttercup love. Does Buttercup curl up in the fetal position in the Fire Swamp and force Wesley to carry her through? NO. Does she go catatonic for months after Wesley is “killed at sea”? NO. Does she faint or fall down at EVERY LITTLE THING? NO NO NO.

        She does try to kill herself though. Well, uh. TPB is a fairy tale satire, so at least it has that going for it.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Don’t forget that Buttercup did have nightly nightmares, but at least she goes up to Humperdink and yells in his face “YOU SUCK! I’M GOING TO RUN OFF WITH FARM BOY AND YOU’RE GOING TO HELP ME!” to which Humperdink replies “…okay… But if we don’t find him, can we still get married?” to which she replies “SURE WHATEVER! HE’S STILL GOING TO COME, YOU LOSER!”

      • Haha, what.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Oh great. Now I feel ill. This is hypocrisy or plain idiotic blindness?

    • Di-chan Says:

      http://xkcd.com/549/

      My response to that. I can almost picture a comic like this for Bella and Edward… if Bella wasn’t as threatening as a wet noodle.

    • Reading this hurt my eyes. IT really did. Can she be so oblivious?

    • Moonshade Says:

      Poor, stupid Smeyer. They need to water her more often.

      The thing about Buttercup is that she has the brains NOT TO PISS OFF THE SCARY MEN WHO ARE ABOUT TO KILL YOU. Imagine that. You just stay alive until you can run for it, and preferably are not surrounded by master swordsmen and giants.

      And she wasn’t supposed to be uber-intelligent. She was supposed to be a cookie cutter princess in the pattern of Cinderella and Snow White and everyone else you ever see in a western fairy tale. At least the author admitted it.

      • Ah, but even Buttercup was clever about it – moreso than her predecessors, by a long shot. She can maintain a cool front and bluff her way out of situations that are likely to get people killed long enough to give the cavalry a chance to show up.

    • LOL IRONY :’D
      I mean, does Smeyer really believe in what she says?

    • LOL IRONY :’D
      I mean, does Smeyer really believe in what she says? Really?

  11. Things I Have Learned This Chapter:

    1. Vampire Mafia is yet ANOTHER good name for an indie band, right up there with “Bear With Wolf Legs.”

    2. The tag/subtitle for the entire Twilight series should have been “How ironic and also convenient.”

    • When factoring out how long it would take Alice and Bella to make it to Italy, you forgot that vampires can drive at twice the speed of light.

      Also Alice can predict flight schedules. She even made sure they had a good in flight movie and kosher meals.

      Although If I were writing a book about a super awesome super invincible super rich vampire family, I would have just written it so they own a private jet.

      • I forgot to factor manpire powers, you’re absolutely right. So their drive to Seattle only takes a half hour instead of an hour and a half, which… still puts them in Florence at 12:30 instead of two, lol.

        I don’t remember what they said Emmett’s superpower is, so now I’m thinking it’s an uncanny ability to exploit Expedia. This is two books now where the climax hinges on whether or not the Cullens can catch a good flight. :P

    • Don’t forget “Exploding Werewolf”.

  12. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Sparking… Instead of causing very obvious exposure through a massacre, he’s going to walk out and show everyone he sparkles. In spite of the fact that SMeyer is the only one who came up with the sparkling bit and therefore, no one would know sparkling=vampirism. Heck, if I saw a guy walking around with sparkling skin, I’d tell him to take a shower and lay off the glitter and possibly send him the medical bill for my blindness.

  13. I can’t believe she talked about two of my favorite books like that; The Princess Bride and Pride & Prejudice. Both are excellent novels and if Smeyer thinks her books even reach the sort of level those books are on she. Is. MAD!!!

    • I think she believes that if she keeps comparing her crap to high literature, it’ll become just as good.

      Essentially, she’s either delusional or has a massive ego problem.

      • Moonshade Says:

        No, it’s just her utter inability to actually UNDERSTAND said literature.

        I’ve seen it pointed out on TVTropes, too:

        “Wuthering Heights deconstructs the idea that All Girls Want Bad Boys, by showing exactly what happens when girls fall in love with troubled, angry men. Heathcliff is a ‘bad boy’, and Bronte shows exactly what this means; he’s unstable, vindictive, violent, selfish and vicious. … This hasn’t stopped a Misaimed Fandom growing around Heathcliff, however, who even to this day is considered a model of a romantic hero despite the fact that he’s pretty much a sociopath and Bronte intended to make this absolutely clear.

        * Ironically Bella from the Twilight series loves Wuthering Heights because she (and by extension the author) completely missed the point. “

  14. What annoys me the most is the argument that twi-lovers use “Meyer may not be the best author but she has made a lot of teens interested into reading books”

    My child doesn’t eat tomatos.
    Here, have a Bloody Mary.
    I’ve turned you into an alcoholic, but oh well, at least now you like tomatos!

    …I’d rather see teens who don’t read at all, than be influenced by the bad storytelling/grammar/structure Smeyer provides us with.

    • I gotta agree with you here. And they certainly wouldn’t say “Oh well, at least they’re reading!” if they brought home, say, Mein Kampf, or Dianetics. Ha! I can’t believe I just used those in the same sentence. Did I just Godwin myself?

      • Moonshade Says:

        I’ll argue with you here.

        I give kids the books. Then when they’re done reading them I hand them another. Once they’re reading the other book (Pride and Prejudice, Anne Rice, etc) I inform them how awful Twilight actually is.

        By this point they are so immersed in GOOD literature that they agree wholeheartedly.

        Though, to be perfectly honest, that’s like shooting a kid with a shotgun to prove that hospitals aren’t all that scary.

        • There’s a great new YA book, “The Reformed Vampire Support Group,” you should give them. Also, anything by Tamora Pierce will be spunky, clever heroines out the wazoo. <3

          • I LOVE Tamora Pierce. She knows how to create a universe and actually stick with it, not only for four books (which Smeyer couldn’t do), but over multiple series with new, strong characters. If only Smeyer could learn…

  15. the insertion of Bella still ruins my Alice-lesbian fantasies. maybe Alice and Ra- i mean
    uh
    Rosalie
    yeah
    /CREEPY

  16. fantasyforever Says:

    “Bite me Alice! BITE ME HARD!”

    *falls over laughing* That whole conversation sounds so wrong when put into the Alice/Bella context XD

  17. Rachel H. Says:

    this has been my favorite chapter recap yet…
    “Alice has decided this shit is bananas”!

    As everyone has said, it’s kind of sad how she’s comparing Edward to all these great literary heroes… this is her first freaking book, even if it was a good work, she’s in no place to be making that kind of comparison! lol Edward = Mr. Darcy? I think NOT!

  18. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

    “I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

    HEYO!!

    […] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

    *falls off chair laughing* XD

    Oh… my… she seriously put this in there? Are you sure she’s not some kind of uber-troll?

  19. Forsakentale Says:

    ““I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now!”
    In my head that’s when Alice take Bella to the bathroom and they have hot and heavy sex.
    After that they watch Edward being killed by the mobs, Rosalie shows up, kills Bella for being an asshole and take Alice to the airplane bathroom to have hot and heavy sex on the trip back home.

    I have this hypothesis that Alice is gay, SMeyer can’t handle that and tries to suppress the issue with “but she’s soooooo in lurv with hey husband/brother!!” altho’ she spends more time hugging Bella than talking to Jasper when Bella shows up.

    Btw, Alice is also known for being awesomely uber dupper fast. Why steal a can when she can run faster than it? Bella is not a problem, piggyback her and let her hit the tree branches on the way.

  20. Was I the only one who upon reading the line about ‘being sharp’ immediately thought, “Oh, like your fangs? Because you’re VAMPIRES and when you want to draw attention to that fact or kill people you USE YOUR DAMN FANGS, NOT THE DRAG GETUP PERMANENTLY ATTACHED TO YOUR FLESH?????”
    Anyone?
    Also on the train home from work today I was two different full-grown adults reading two different novels from this schlock-a (I tried so hard to find a synonym for ‘saga’ that had enough negative connotations, but I couldn’t, so I had to bring in the Yiddish) and I was struck by several things. Plural adults. In public where people could see them. And, most horrifyingly, those books are WAY thickr than I thought they were! Still so unsure about reading them

    • These books are stupid big. 600+ pages on each of them.

    • RESIST. Do NOT read them. Trust me, they are NOT worth it, unless you’re Rachel and are doing it for the sake of everyone else. (Thank you, Rachel, btw, your recaps are amazing.)

      I listened to Twilight and New Moon on audiobook and then just about died of boredom halfway through Eclipse. Seriously. Not worth your time.

      If you decide you MUST read them, even if only for what NOT to do when Writing A Book (TM), borrow them from someone else. Don’t bother buying them. Totally a waste of money. Really.

      • Oh great, Eclipse is more boring than New Moon? What the hell am I going to do??

        Obviously, make a bunch more rubrics of measurement (Edward Creep-o-meter) and maybe start photoshopping some hilarious illustrations…

      • You’ll be so angered by so-indecisive-I’m surprised-she-is-able-to-dress-herself!Bella, “protective”!Edward, and who-is-this-douchebag?!Jacob that you won’t notice the boredom.

  21. Why wouldn’t the vampire mafia kill Edward? If I was a 3000 year-old supermonster, I’d have no problem offing some whiny kid who marched into my office bitching about how full of pain his eternal life is now that his one true (and non-supermonster) love (who, by the way, HE LEFT claiming to do so FOR HER OWN GOOD) is dead. I mean, if he’s that weak, he doesn’t deserve to be part of my awesome, shiny, super powerful race! Thin the herd, I say!

    • Spoiler: Considering one of these “super-powered super-ancient” vampires is known for his amazing ability at sensing relationships, they are all very impressed at Ed’s ability to read minds and offer him a place in their “family.” So they tell him no. Knowing then that he’s going to go out himself and they’ll have to kill him.

      So I guess they said no to say yes later?

    • Allycat Says:

      Amen to that!

  22. About SMeyer making places up? You remember how Bella’s mom lives in Jacksonville FL? Yea….well…

    Sometime in the next few books Bella visits her mom. They talk and walk on the beach. Watching the sunset over the ocean.

    …Jacksonville’s ON THE EAST COAST.

  23. A friend and I got the brilliant idea last summer: to read a book by only reading the first word of every line. We were at an amusement park and that’s how we passed our time waiting for rides. So now, we give you the first 2 1/2 pages of Chapter 1 of Twilight. I think it’s rather more interesting this way.

    My windows phoenix favourite it. In state covered than was that months spend. Was summers California it that I heat. (Obviously.) Bella times do! My laugh childlike brained now. Food when I been most tell I’ll whenever need. But promise don’t you? She the it’s hour drive hour worried. Charlie thing. Live permanence an, but us, what a me! When see goodbyes…

    Charlie expecting people car be top. Charlie stumbled.

    Some of the sentences are scary accurate. (In the horrifically-written Dark Knight novel, we got: “Bruce glittered,” “Harvey enormous,” and “GRENADES! GRENADES!”)

    • Forsakentale Says:

      Wow that almost sound like an old intricate piece of literature. Like a really strange Tim Burton-ish poem, created by the mind of a Malkavian.
      Totally something Smeyer couldn’t do even if she wanted.

  24. @Rachel about the Buttercup thing.

    Technically in the book (which is fuckin’ amazing. ..did you know there’s a sequel??), after Buttercup finds out Westley died at see, she DOES go kind of catatonic. . refuses to eat, stays in her room, etc. etc. When she emerges a month later she has jumped up from third place to The Most Beautiful Woman In the World and states “Oh, I’m fine. But I shall never love again.” So, while she does the slightly melodramatic thing (but hey, her lover DIES for pete’s sake, not dumps her) she comes out strong and proud and at least semi-recovered.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Quite definitely. Yes, Twu Wuv hurts her, but she manages a full recovery in a fraction of the time.

      And I hate to break it to you, but there’s no sequel. That chapter was put there just to screw with you.

      It worked on me for ages– I thought Buttercup’s Baby was just out of print.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      She gets night terrors too, sorta. But at least she doesn’t wake up screaming from trees.

  25. soranomukou Says:

    FUCK YEAH. LESBIANS.

  26. I’m loving your recaps!!! I’m a librarian, and I scream inside every time some poor fool checks out one of Smeyer’s books.
    OH! And the Marcus thing Smyers supposedly ‘made up’, Marcus was the name of one of the head vampires in the ‘Underworld’ movies, so apparently she can’t even make up things all that well.

    • You forget, the Smeyer is Mormon.

      She won’t watch anything above PG-13.

      • Moonshade Says:

        You underestimate the power of Mormons. We have access to all kinds of edited DVDs technology to allow us to keep up with the pop culture of the rest of the world.

        And for everything else, there’s word-of-mouth from non-Mormon friends. Or, you know, the ones who aren’t that concerned about movie ratings.

  27. According to Cracked, Edward’s plan to kill himself was to expose himself at noon, glittering, and then some macho Italians would come, and then beat him up for being gay.

  28. Rosalie is one of my favorites. She actually has a spec of inteligence when it comes to the whole Bella’s moronic fantasy of being a meyerpire

  29. Someone needs to find Alice the antidote to the mind-controlling vapors Bella obviously exudes so she can ditch the bint and return to being awesome. And then pass it on to Jacob.

  30. alaskan-salmon Says:

    that commiting suicide if the other dies is exactly like romeo and juliet. they were 14 year olds who had only just met, so i can see where she gets her unrealistic characters and plots from… but at least shakespeare can write!

  31. Ok i’m sorry but will someone please answer, why couldn’t edward tune into bella’s thoughts? I mean, surely he should be able to hear her being alive and what not. Was this explained and i just completely missed it? I’m really confuzzled as to why this book was published! Was everyone high that day??

    • Eddie can’t hear Bella’s thoughts. Something called a “shield” that protects her mind from others.

      It’s not fair that no one gets to hear her thoughts but us. It’s just torture. Why are all the other characters so damn lucky?

  32. No, you’re right: the “telepathy wouldn’t work because I could be lying” thing -is- lame. If Alice can transmit thoughts, couldn’t she transmit a mental image of Bella, alive and well? Maybe holding today’s paper? :P

    But ultimately, you know what I’m thinking throughout this whole sordid chapter?

    Have vampires never heard of phones?

  33. Question, are you sure he’s not going to reveal himself noon the day AFTER they could have arrived by 2? Then you could throw in a good 10-20 hours of lay-overs, ticket buying, connecting flights, etc. etc., and they could arrive at the appropriately dramatic time…

  34. Also, 1:00 plus 5.5 = 6:30… so 9:30 with time zones

    Also, 9:00 plus (10 +6, 16) = midnight + 13 = 1:00… but it’s okay, because they’d actually be leaving at 10.

    Not that any of that matters, since it’s still a very optimistic estimate, I just can’t help it, I’m an engineer… or something like that.

  35. You know what’s funny about Edward’s plan? It makes him a total hypocrite and wuss. Wasn’t it Edward who, in the first few chapters, watched Romeo and Juliet and accused Romeo for being an idiot for his rashness and weakness? So then Edward, upon hearing of Bella’s death, goes off and does the same exact thing! (oh I’m sure Smeyer would counter that by saying “But Ed and Bell are in LOVES! Romeo and Juliet were just horny!”) Not only does he automatically believe that Bella is dead, he wimps out and decided to end his life by sparkling for a crowd of humans. His first idea was a hellva lot better! I mean, I don’t approve the murder of innocent people, but his I’ll-sparkle-for-the-world plan… what? Really? LAME! Ok, maybe Smeyer didn’t want her god-like boy-toy to murder people (because he’s too much of a gentleman *eye-roll*), so how about have him attack the Volturi?

    Another thing about this whole misunderstand that reeks of stupidity and logic rape, is the fact that Edward bought Bella’s death period. We found out that it was Edward who called Bella’s house, and that Jacob answered it and was the one who started this misunderstanding. But there’s the thing… Edward knows Jacob… wouldn’t he recognized his voice? We also know that Edward doesn’t like Jacob. So why would Edward believe what Jacob says? Also, why wouldn’t Edward press for more details? If someone you cared about committed suicide, I would think one of the first questions in your mind would be “how did it happened?” (as gruesome as in might be to know). But to just hang up and not want to know more? … rash much?

    Either way you look at it, this whole plot reeks of stupid teens being stupid and are in need of a good smack upside the head.

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  37. I’ve only just come across this review, and it’s absolutely hysterical – I love it! Reading this instead of tidying my room.

    I’ve been to Volterra, and I think I know why Smeyer chose it – it has the most amazing TORTURE MUSEUM. Think man-sized cradles lined with nails, that kind of thing.

    I laughed when I realised that. It would have been awesome if she’d been all ‘Oh, the torture museum, BTW most of these were invented by the Volturi for entertainment purposes!’ but no ¬_¬

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