Archive for lamest villain ever

Chapter Twenty-Three

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , on April 24, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

There are only nine adverbs and five pages to this. Why did she even bother making a new chapter?

An “angel” comes out of nowhere to save Bella. Ooooooh we’re all surprised. He cries without actually shedding tears (because that wouldn’t be manly.) Carlisle is attending Bella’s wounds as Edward and Alice off the hunter. We don’t actually get any details on this, mind you, because Bella is hazy from blood loss. I’m just pretty sure that’s what happened since I’ve seen the movie.

Bella snaps to and starts screaming about how her hand is burning. He BIT her! Carlisle is downright shocked. I’m not sure why, given that he was, uh, a vampire. Edward is instructed to suck the venom out of her blood.

BUT WAIT! Doesn’t she smell like the best cheeseburger ever and basically this is like asking him to just pick the onions off with his teeth?

BUT WAIT! Don’t vampires go into blood frenzies when they get anywhere near the smell of blood?

BUT WAIT! All of the above makes Edward hesitate, because he doesn’t want to accidentally eat his girlfriend!

OH GOD, IS THIS TENSION I SEE?

No, wait, never mind. He decides he can do it, puts his mouth to her bite wound, and sucks out the venom.

It’s okay, guys! He got it, no problem. At all. Whatsoever. Everyone is saved and they’re burning the bad guy now.

…Sigh.

We really could have saved a lot of “trouble” by just asking Carlisle to do it, since he doesn’t have a blood frenzy anymore, but oh well. I guess we just really needed that fake dose of not-tension.

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Chapter Twenty-Two

Posted in Recap, Twilight with tags , , , , , , on April 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

These are short, and I’m sort of motivated by being done with this garbage.

ADVERB COUNT: 47

Alice has a vision, about Bella. It’s ok, Jasper shows up to calm her down. Whatever the vision is, Alice never says, and Bella thinks she knows anyway, so… we never find out.

They go to the airport. Bella is still trying to plot how to get away from someone who can see the future, and someone who can sense her emotions. Alice explains that her power is a little lamer than most people would assume–she only sees the future of the path the person is currently on. As soon as they change their mind, the future changes. So she’s not handy, or repetitive, just more like a weatherman. For the future.

Anyway, she doesn’t see Bella going into the airport bathroom with two exits and making a break for it, which is what’s important to this paper-thin plot.

Bella hops on a Hyatt shuttle. At the Hyatt, she flags a cab to Mom’s house. Mom’s house is locked, for some reason, and, of course, on the whiteboard inside is a 10-digit number. Let’s give it a ring.

James tells Bella that Mom is perfectly fine (“I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.”) and gives her instructions to the ballet studio Bella already knew she was going to. Bella runs. And falls down a lot. And runs some more.

The ballet studio is closed for spring break, and unlocked. Bella lets herself in, and immediately starts to hear her mom call her name.

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.

“Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.

I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.

There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief. It was Thanksgiving, and I was twelve.

PSYCHE Mom’s fine, the tracker lured you here with a VHS tape! We couldn’t actually put your Mom in danger, that would cause tension.

This is probably the most boring hunter ever.

James appears with the remote, apologizing, but positing that it’s better if Renee wasn’t involved in this. Bella agrees, flooded with relief. James pauses at this.

“You don’t sound angry that I tricked you.”

“I’m not.” …

“How odd. You really mean it. … I suppose you’re going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?” he asked, hopefully it seemed to me.

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.”

James: THIS IS THE MOST BORING HUNT EVER. >:(

He bitches about how this was too easy and he wanted a little more of a challenge. That’s funny, I wanted a little more from THIS PLOT. His bitch turns into a full-blown monologue, I am not even joking. He goes on for the next two pages describing his Diabolical Plan. Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James went there to wait for her, heard her message for her mom (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE), and when he heard Edward had gotten on a plane to Phoenix, knew that it was All According to Plan.

So anyway, he’s going to beat the crap out of Bella, probably kill and eat her, and videotape it to enjoy later when he’s alone. I mean, to torture Edward with. Now that he’s recording, he continues his enormous monologue, bitching some more about how once this vampire totally stole his kill.

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked–I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans–and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions.”

WAIT WHAT

“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatements. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.”

“Alice,” I breathed, astonished.

WHAT

Okay. Let me get this straight.

Stephenie Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character I actually like, so brutal and interesting as “she was a victim of 1920’s mental health care,” and yet, the rest of this 500 page book is full of steaming, hissing mind-poison.

I feel freaking CHEATED. Finding something like this in Twilight ONLY MAKES ME MADDER.

I HATE STEPHENIE MEYER.

I digress.

James bitches some more, because waahhh I didn’t get to eat Alice. He figures letting Clan Cullen keep her in exchange for him eating Bella is a fair deal. I am forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who is clearly the product of the inifinte monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

Yes, I’m comparing Stephenie Meyer to a million monkeys with typewriters.

After whining and whining like a teenager girl, James decides to get on with it and gets to beating up Bella, who only runs as soon as he finishes his monologue. Breaks a leg, cuts her head on some mirror glass, etc. Then she starts to bleed. Here we go!

Vampires, we were explained earlier, and I didn’t feel like writing it down, vampires have a shark-like blood frenzy. As soon as they see it, smell it, taste it, they go nuts and have to make a frenzy check resist the urge to drain the person dry. As soon as Bella starts bleeding, she knows what’s coming, so she lays there in a haze, and tries to shield her face with her hand. Like that’s going to stop a sharkpire.

Oh God oh God I hope he drains her dry.

…I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.