Archive for injuns

Epilogue

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Aaauuuugghh

I was content to play Puzzle Pirates until my skull turned as soft and porous as a Sara Lee spongecake, but will my mother settle for anything less than me continuing to read this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said before, about… whoa, wow, more than a week ago (can you guys really blame me?), there is an epilogue to this story. It really is more like an additional chapter. I’m not sure what sets epilogues apart from honest-to-God chapters, but then, neither, apparently, does Stephenie.

So, okay, the epilogue.

Everything goes back to normal a la a 30-minute sitcom. Math is still really hard. Bella’s friends still think she’s a loser. Edward is forcing Bella to go to college (for her own good). We are treated to a small aside about how, of course, Edward has already gone to Harvard, so he doesn’t need to go to a particularly prestigious college this year–wonderful for everyone since Bella has no goals whatsoever and will probably end up shuffling her way to community college.

Already been to Harvard? Why the hell is he even bothering with high school anymore? Is he really just doing it to pick up girls 90 years his junior? (blegh)

There’s thinly veiled plot mechanisms, and then there’s Stephenie Meyer’s writing.

Bella and Jacob are no longer BFF, and I say, good for him. He’s not returning her phone calls, and Bella is wondering “oh no was it something I did,” which we all know the answer to: yes yes a thousand times yes. Bella waits until Edward is kicked out every night (by a “grimly gleeful” Charlie) to make her calls to Jacob, because Edward gets an angry (dare I say, jealous) look on his face any time she mentions Jacob’s name. This is because he wants to protect her, and it has nothing to do with possessiveness or his need to control her. I swear.

The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

That doesn’t come until Breaking Dawn, as many of you know. A minor spoiler for those of you who don’t know–the only reason Jacob has been so madly in love with Bella is because he is actually the destined soulmate of her dhampyr “half-vampire” daughter.

Yes. I’m serious. He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

So, in short, Bella will marry Edward, have his baby, and Jacob will get the consolation prize–the baby. The only reason I have the will to continue reading this crap is to get to the shining paragon of übercrap that is Breaking Dawn.

Anyway, where was I. No longer BFF. Bella throws a snit in front of Edward on the way home over it, and he tries to convince her that it’s not her they hate. Right, no. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly be Bella that’s the problem here. Everyone freaking loves Bella.

When they get home, Charlie is in a rage, and there in the driveway is Jacob’s truck with the two bicycles in it. Oh man, he totally told Daddy on her. Bella is livid, and, because she is a girl, starts crying. Oh my gosh, Jacob is like so totally mean! Yeah, she more or less says that.

I could never imagine Jacob could be so petty and just plain mean.

Welcome to breaking someone’s heart, you stupid slut.

So um, they have a yelling match. Edward keeps Bella behind him at all times, to “protect” her. Bella accuses Jacob of wanting Charlie to have a heartattack just like Harry–there’s the manipulative girl we’ve come to know and love. Edward does the floundering plot a favor and reads Jacob’s mind–Jacob turned in the bikes and tattled on Bella in the hopes that she would get grounded from seeing Edward. This impressive leap of logic brought to you by: teenagers.

Bella whines that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t come to La Push to complain at him for not taking her calls. Jacob is all “oh, uh, oops,” and Edward, once again, violates the poor kid’s privacy by reading his mind.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

Not exactly a stretch, considering later Edward does just exactly this. Edward then decides to do the chivalrous thing and thank Jacob for taking care of Bella while he was gone. I had an ex pull this once and it pissed me off more than anything else–I don’t need a man to “take care of me,” and neither, for that matter, should Bella. But since she is a character written by Stephenie Meyer she absolutely depends on men to rescue her from something as mundane as a God damn paper cut, so I guess chivalry is alive after all.

Jacob also takes the time to warn Edward that the treaty means that if he bites a mortal–say, oh, I don’t know, his girlfriend–then the treaty is off and it’s werewolves vs. vampires time. Oh nooo dear God I hope that actually happens. These books are so freaking lame and boring a good old fashioned fight scene might do us some good.

Edward and Jacob fight over who’s going to kill Victoria (who has disappeared, by the way. She was the “villain” of this “book” and wasn’t in a single freaking scene), and Charlie roars and shouts for Bella. She pauses before running off to accept her punshiment so she can look at Jacob with big, wet eyes and say “You pwomised we’d still be fwiends.” Edward pulls her away, and even Bella notes that it’s in restraint instead of protection. Everybody shouts for a while.

Uh, yeah. Jacob finally leaves, and Edward and Bella go to Charlie. Uh.

The end.

Wow.

Well.

I, uh. That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.

I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.

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Chapter Eighteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.

Chapter Sixteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

Someone

for some reason

rescues Bella Swan from the ocean.

Jacob is pounding on her back, trying to knock the water out of her lungs and get her to breathe. Internally, Bella complains that dying isn’t so much fun anymore, now that everything hurts and she can’t imagine Edward.

Sam asks if it’s even okay to move her, if maybe she hurt her back in the fall. This already makes him a million times better than the “doctor” attending Bella previously in the book.  Bella finally croaks a few words, and confirms for Jacob that nothing hurts other than her throat, so Jacob picks her up and carries her back to House Black, telling Sam he’ll meet him at the hospital later.

Oh, so Bella is finally going to the hospital for the serious injuries she’s sustatined? That’s new.

Bella thinks she sees fire out on the water. Victoria’s hair is often described as fiery in Bella’s internal monologue. How odd, is Stephenie foreshadowing now?

Jacob was searching for Bella when he heard her scream as she threw herself from the cliff. He lets her know how incredibly stupid it was to “cliffdive” in a storm. To make matters worse, they never actually found Victora. She took off into the water (apparently vampires are very good swimmers on account of not having to breathe); Jacob was afraid she’d doubled back around to the beach, which is why he came back here in the first place.

The whole hospital hint doesn’t get past Bella (she’s just so sharp) and she asks if someone was hurt in the hunting. No, actually, one of the other injuns had a heart attack, the one guy that was Charlie’s BFF. This was actually foreshadowed a bit in a previous chapter, but I didn’t recap it because I thought it was a fluke or something. Stephenie Meyer, foreshadowing? Pshaw I say.

Of course Bella immediately turns this into something about her.

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt–felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

Did anybody else notice the three adverbs in one sentence? Ugh, adverbs light up like anomalies on an MRI for me, now. Sorry, too much House, M.D.

Jacob dumps Bella in his living room and gets her some clothes to change into. Nobody has asked yet why she was trying to kill herself. I guess Jacob is in denial re: cliffdiving, currently.

For the next three pages, Bella waxes pathetic about Romeo and Juliet, in an attempt to justify settling for Jacob. She’s never going to find another person she loves as much as Edward, ever ever ever. So she may as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to. And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all right. Right?

Not even joking.

Bella also has the good sense to finally realize that indirectly killing herself “being reckless” hurts her mother and father. She doesn’t want to think about what it would have done to Charlie to lose his best friend and his daughter in the same day.

Oh, Bella still hasn’t been to a doctor, by the way, after nearly dying. Oxygen deprivation is really not so bad. Jacob at least apologizes for not taking her to the hospital, but Christ. Are people really that lacking in common sense here?

He does agree to take her home though, because Bella insists she’s fine. Oookay. Bella spends some more time attempting to justify her urge to settle for Jacob. He’s “essential to her survival!” She needs him, because she can’t possibly live life by herself.

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.

… Seriously?

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

Seriously? You just up and admit that? You don’t care about him as much as he does, but you want to make sure that you still have him. Greedy little child! Forget that it’s possible he could be happier with someone else, if you can’t love him then no one can!

She tells herself she’d need to explain everything, so he knows she isn’t settling. Uh, even though she is. He’s just way too good for her, is all! She’s so broken and tragic and sad. And again, is it really so wrong to just want to make him happy?

Uuugggghh ugh ugh ugh. I want to hit something.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

Almost like being a whole person again. Good Lord. Forget simple codependency, this girl has full-on Dependent Personality Disorder. It’s SO romantic!

Anyway, Bella is thinking about starting a makeout session with Jacob when Edward whispers in her ear to “Be happy.” Jacob, however, opens the door to let her out, and gets a fresh whiff of vampire. So he brings the truck to a roar and they zoom off and away from Bella’s house–but not before she recongizes Carlisle’s car outside.

OMG OMG OMG IT’S TOTES THE CULLENS FORGET ABOUT JACOB THE CULLENS HAVE COME BACK TO BITE ME AND MAKE ME ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL DEAD

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

[…] “Of course,” I said, my voice blank with surprise as his question. Of course I wanted to go back.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Cullens! They’re all good and wonderful and suspicious and abusive and eat endangered animals!

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle. Take me back!”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, it’s okay–”

“No. Take yourself back, Bella.” His voice was a slap–I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

[…] He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”

Can I just say that I seriously laughed out-loud at this line? I think Jacob’s “irrational” hatred of vampires is supposed to make us not like him (because vampires are so pretty and sparkly!), but hot damn, I love this kid.

Bella takes a brief second to think that maybe, maybe she’s hurt Jacob’s feelings, but that quickly subsides because OMG THERE’S A CULLEN IN HER HOUSE!!!1

Just as she steps inside, to turn on the light, she realizes that she’d seen Victoria on the water, and is all like “Oh, I hope she’s not in here waiting to eat me now that I pissed off Jacob and he ran off.”

If only.

Chapter Thirteen

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

…is called “Killer.” It really should just be called “Big Fat Whining Crying Hypocrite.”

Bella has decided to drive down to La Push and confront Jacob, who is now a killer, and killing is wrong. But she also wants to warn him that her dad is going to try to shoot him.

It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?

Are the two mutually exclusive, suddenly? She bangs on the door to the Blacks’ house, and demands to see Jacob.  Billy lies and says he doesn’t know where Jacob is, until Bella informs him that Charlie and his friends are out hunting gigantic wolves, and suddenly Billy remembers that Jacob is in his room sleeping. Bella busts in to yell at him, but is overwhelmed with pity and the urge to protect him as soon as she sees him vulnerable and sleeping. Silly, stupid women, all soft-hearted and useless. She tells Billy she’s going to be on the beach and she wants to talk to Jacob when he wakes up. I’m not sure why she bothers, since Billy hasn’t exactly been trustworthy, straightforward, or, um, adult, for this whole series. He’s probably going to pay Jacob to break up with Bella now.

Bella sits on the beach and is all introspective. When Bella gets introspective, I want to cry.

Seeing Jacob like that–innocent and vulnerable in sleep–had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn’t condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn’t work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.

… Well, then. That explains just about everybody’s behavior for all four of these books. Love isn’t logical! So stop trying to do smart things!

Jacob arrives, pleased that Bella was smart enough to figure out his oh-so-super-secretive secret. She warns Jacob about the traps and guns, which he brushes off, now growing angry that she couldn’t have just called him (since she’s in so much danger now that he’s a werewolf). He makes some comment about how the rangers are just making things more difficult, and they’re just going to start disappearing, too, which makes Bella all mad and stuff.

“What more can we do?” […]

“Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?” I suggest in a whisper.

Very supportive, Bella. Very smart. You certainly are a caring individual.

“You’re such a hypocrite, Bella–there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?” His hands shook with anger.

Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?”

That wooshing sound you just heard was Jacob’s point flying approximately 300m above Bella’s head.

“Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m not just as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”

You know, Jacob is pretty awesome.

They continue bitching at each other, with Bella insisting that the white folk vampires are in fact sooo much better than the injuns werewolves because they, like, don’t eat people. Anymore. Edward starts whispering in Bella’s ear again as Jacob begins to lose his temper, and Bella switches tactics to begging Jake to stop killing people. Jacob’s all “Killing people? What?”

Ohhh, misunderstandings. Bella explains she has no problem with him turning into a furry blender of death (of course), it’s that he and his pack are eating people. Jacob says they haven’t eaten people, they’ve been trying to stop the vampire that’s been eating people. Oops! Sorry I called you a murderer! BFF again?

They make up. Jacob explains further that the only reason the werewolves exist is because vampires do, and their entire purpose is to kill vampires and keep them from eating people. Sounds awesome! Bella asks if they’re still hunting Laurent, and Jacob’s all what, that one guy who wanted to bite you? Nah, we tore him apart ages ago.

I’m not sure how this works. Maybe Stephenie has a pseudo-science explanation for it later. I thought the only way to kill a vampire was tear it to pieces and then light the pieces on fire? Werewolves supercede that? Why didn’t Edward mention any of this?

“It was so easy, it was hardly fun!”

“What was so easy?”

“Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don’t  count that towards the whole murder thing,” he added quickly. “Vampires don’t count as people.”

Haha you marry a dhampyr in the last book, you poor son of a bitch.

P.S., if werewolves lose their temper, they turn into a wolf and go into a frenzy. Bella asks if this means they don’t need a full moon, and Jacob rolls his eyes and says “Hollywood’s version doesn’t get much right.” Apparently. Vampires have no flaws and werewolves are all Native Americans. Who knew!

They’re still after this other vampire chick, who they assume was Laurent’s mate. Bella goes into a cold sweat, nearly faints/screams, vomits, all the usual Bella behaviors, before finally telling him that Victoria is actually after her. Oh, well, that changes things. Jacob sets her on her feet and runs off into the forest. Bella, iron-willed, has a panic attack at being left alone. Jacob reappears and says he was letting his friends know, telepathically, what was going on. Yes. Werewolves are telepathic. There are telepathic werewolves in this book.

Also, the reason Jacob couldn’t tell Bella what was going on is because Sam put a compulsion on him. Sam, you see, is the Alpha of the pack, and they all have to do what he says. It’s a wolf thing, Jacob says. I’m curious to see what other “wolf things” come up, because, knowing Stephenie, she probably got as far as “Wolf packs have hierarchy!” and left her research at that.

Sam is totally a cool guy, by the way, because he was the first of the new generation of werewolves, and had to suffer through it on his own before the other kids changed. I guess that makes him cool. More like pitiable? I don’t really buy it, and it gets worse later.

“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you?” he murmured.

I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.

“Did you ever think… that maybe… you’re better off?”

I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.”

“‘Cause he wasn’t the best–”

“Please, Jacob,” I interrupted, begging in a whisper. “Could we please not talk about this? I can’t stand it.”

She just doesn’t want to admit that he’s right.

So anyway, Jacob drags her off to meet the pack since she’s got insider information and can tell them how to stop Victoria. When you consider that the best Bella has going for her in these books is a series of big strong men willing to jump into danger to save her, I really don’t know what “skills” she’s going to be able to bring to this little party.

I’m sure the werewolves with notoriously bad tempers will be happy to see her, though.

Chapter Twelve

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , on May 25, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

There’s SOMETHING AT THE WINDOW!!!1

I know, let’s go right up to it and see who it is!

OH MY GOD IT’S VICTORIA SHE’S COME TO EAT BELLA AND MAYBE CHARLIE THEY’RE SO DEAD THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES AS WE KNOW I–

Wait, it’s just Jacob. Bah.

Bella opens the window for Jacob to jump in.

“What are you doing?” I gasped. […]

“I’m trying to keep”–he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him–“my promise!”

Aw, okay, I guess I still like Jacob.

He jumps in through the window, which is like totally cool and stuff. Bella was totally ready for him to fall to his death. I don’t think falling from a second story window would kill you. It certainly wouldn’t kill Bella–her skull seems to be comprised entirely of a hard, diamond-like substance, impervious to 45 mph collisions and, I don’t know, original thought.

So Jacob jumps in, lands neatly, and gives her a grin. Apparently, the last few weeks of completely avoiding her, ignoring her, and then telling her that he doesn’t want to see her anymore despite his promise of helping her get back on her feet–apparently, that was just fun and games.

“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.

He blinked, his face going blank with surprise.

“No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.”

“I don’t accept!

Then she tries to shove him out the window, which works about as well as you would imagine. Uh, why the hell didn’t she have this reaction when she found out that Edward had been breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night? How did Bella magically grow a spine?

It’s okay, she swoons out of nowhere at this point, because she’s just so tired, so Jacob has to stay and make sure she’s all right.

Jacob tries to tell Bella that he wants to explain what happened, but he just can’t. He’s clearly acting as though he has a supernatural compulsion to not tell her something. Now, see, that’s cult-like behavior. He finally concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can at least try to help her guess the answer to his little furry problem.

He asks her if she remembers when they first met in La Push and he told her his silly ghost stories. Oh, right! Of course Bella remembers, that’s when she first started her habit of manipulating him. She, of course, only remembers the story he told about the Cullens, a fact Jacob bitterly recognizes. Bella gives up, because she’s just a girl. She’ll probably google for it later.

Jacob leaves, after a few more awkward lines of “no I’m dangerous and you should stay away from me.” Now why is that so familiar?

Bella goes back to sleep and has those wonderful prophetic dreams of hers that have absolutely no basis on the story other than to serve as Smeyer’s only vehicle for foreshadowing. You could just, you know, foreshadow, like a regular God damn author, instead of giving your Mary Sue magical stupid powers. She dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf, like in the previous book, and then she dreams about seeing the wolves in the meadows, and…

…Wakes herself up screaming.

My goodness, she has a glass constitution. Is there anything strong about her? “I DREAMT ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!!”

So she finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. Oh my God, how terrifying! She wonders what the hell is up with Forks that she can run into both vampires and werewolves here, if maybe they are everywhere and she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?

Bella continues to freak out that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to realizing that Edward is a vampire. This, she justifies, is because she never doubted that there was something odd about the Cullens, it was just a matter of finding out what. But Jacob! Jacob was a totally normal 6.5ft sixteen-year-old with a crazy cult following him! It’s just so shocking!

Of course, she immediately makes this about her, because her best friend is totes a werewolf so she must be a freak. It must be hard knowing you’re the main character and the plot-hole-filled world revolves around you and your poorly thought-out personality.

Bella throws on clothes and hurries downstairs, desperate to see Jacob now that she knows his Dark Secret. Charlie’s all “omg where are you going” as though he cares. He urges her to go straight to Jacob’s with no stops, because the wolves have been dragging off more people now. So naturally, hunters and cops and rangers and etc. are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals.

Charlie leaves, and Bella has moral conundrums. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should be his friend, and warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too) I mean, if they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (Completely ignoring that EDWARD IS, TOO.)

The werewolves had chosen a different path.

Now, what should I choose?

Gee, I don’t know, why don’t you continue to pretend dating that one guy and then maybe manipulate him into eating only grizzly bears like your sweet beautiful ex-boyfriend did, before he left you alone in the woods and stole your things?

Goodness me, is she racist or a hypocrite or what?

Chapter Eleven

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

I want you all to suffer as I have.

Another week passes. Bella looks pale and terrified and jumps at everything. Charlie doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Ugh.

Bella obsesses over why Jacob has dumped her, rather than accepting that he’s a jerk and moving on with her life. After another week, she finally figures that it’s because of Sam Uley. Good lord.  Well, now that she knows it’s not her fault, she’s going to rush in there and save him from the cult!

The cult with no harmful behaviors whatsoever. The cult that prides itself on protecting the people of the reservation. The cult we have no proof of whatsoever. But, omg, let’s totally worry ourselves with it.

Bella calls Charlie to tattle on the injuns, telling him that there’s some sort of gang down there and Sam is the head of it. Charlie patronizes her and tells her Sam is a good kid so stop freaking whining (…paraphrasing). He tells her he’s way too busy with this wolf thing to play her stupid teenager drama games, the big brutes are definitely eating people now so they need to go shoot them.

Bella drives to the res, and runs into Quil, who has also grown a noticeable amount since the last time she saw him. She figures growth hormones. Totally not werewolves! Also, I know which one Quil is, now that we finally have a description–he’s the burly one with the short hair. Quil is depressed as hell, and Bella gives him a lift home.

Quil expositions that Jacob is avoiding him, and hanging out with Embry and Paul and Sam a lot. Quil hates Sam, too, which I still don’t get.  Quil calls it a cult, despite the fact that it has no cult-like behaviors whatsoever and really just looks like Sam’s made all three of them his bitch.

He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.

Just his face was frightened. The rest of him was okay.

So Bella parks her ass in front of the Blacks’ house and does her homework, waiting for Jacob to show up. When he finally does, he’s angry, taller, and his hair is short. Also, he’s aged. Yes! He’s older. Werewolves age to 21 when they have their first change, because then they can legally get into R rated movies, and date the female protagonist.

Guys, I’m not joking.

Anyway, Jacob is mad, unhappy that Bella is stalking him now. Bella wishes she were, like, totally a vampire, so she could like bite Sam and kill him, and stuff. That’d be so rad!!!

Jacob shoos off the other boys and talks to Bella alone. Jacob was all wrong about the cult thing, as it turns out. But he can’t tell Bella why. She can read these brochures, though, and come in for a free e-meter reading.

Bella gives him crap for hanging out with Sam and not her. Jacob insists that Sam is not the bad guy he thought he was. He gets so angry he starts shaking, and Bella cries, because yelling at him didn’t work.

“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex. […]

“Then who should I blame?” I retorted.

He halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing.

“You don’t want to hear that.”

No, let’s have it. Is it the Democrats? Gays? Canadians? The guys who picked on you in school? The goth kids who made you listen to Marilyn Manson and so now you totally like worship the Devil and stuff?

“The hell I don’t!” I snapped. “I want to know, and I want to know now.” […]

“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

Oh snap! Go, Jacob!

Bella is shocked that someone could possibly not like vampires. She then tries to play dumb, like, “what, you hate mosquitos, I don’t get it.” Jacob insists that it’s the Cullens, he believes his dad now, totally not a werewolf, etc. Jacob shakes a little more, and Edward starts whispering unhelpful hints in Bella’s ear again. But she’s like, totally not in danger! Jacob isn’t going to turn into a gigantic wolf, that’s just silly!

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”

The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.

Good show. He’s not your boyfriend until he hurts you, and then you’re all “OH NO DON’T DUMP ME.” What a callous little bitch! How the hell am I supposed to like her??

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie.

But not an actual lie. Good little caring perfect Bella would never actually lie.

“Maybe… maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you just give me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”

C’mon, Jake, she needs you! When she’s alone, she realizes what a two-dimensional character she is, devoid of any personality, hopes, dreams, or fears that are unrelated to her love interest! You make her rounded!

He resists, saying something about how he’s a tortured beast and a bad person, and sends her home.

…Well, he goes into his house, at least. Bella just sort of stands there in the rain looking pathetic. Waaaaah someone I wasn’t even dating dumped me, now I have to stand on my own two feet, maybe if I stand out here and get wet he’ll feel bad and change his mind, waaaaah!

Billy finally has to tell her to GTFO. She drives home like a zombie. Charlie gets all mad and calls Billy to tattle on Jacob. Billy blames it all on Bella, saying she led Jacob on, which couldn’t possibly be it, because Bella was always so clear that she and Jacob were just friends.

Bella knows that it isn’t possibly her fault (see above) so it must be that Billy is hiding a huge secret, to try to get Charlie against her. I love that Billy’s social skills are as developed and mature as a 15 year old in an AOL chatroom.

Bella cries and cries and cries and cries the poor thing. She is probably the single most useless female character ever invented.

Oh, there’s something at the window. Is Victoria here to finally end this stupid series? Chapter end!

Chapter Eight

Posted in New Moon, Recap with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Rachel Vampirely

You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

Jacob begins the arduous process of teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Or, rather, he would, if the author herself knew anything about riding a motorcycle.

They finally get the stupid thing started, and as Bella begins to accelerate forward, she, of course, hears Edward’s voice in her head.

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.

I love how she never imagines him apologizing for hurting her, or telling her how much he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Edisode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.  The more she tries the bike, the more she hallucinates Edward trying to control her some more, which, for some reason, makes her happy. When she finally starts zooming down the road, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast it was “blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it,” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, the stupid bitch is not dead. The bike lands on her, she takes a face dive, and she just sort of bleeds from her head a little. That’s it.

Jacob insists on driving her to the hospital. Bella resists, because the hospital, will, of course, ask questions. Good God. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around her head, puts the bikes in the back of the truck. The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

Also, she hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly, so she can try to kill herself again tonight. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ♥

She takes some time to stare at Jacob while he’s missing a shirt.

Jacob noticed my scrutiny.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.

Wow. Way to “break it off,” you little slut. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea now.

Anyway, she has seven stitches in her head, ho hum. Bella’s very clumsy so she’s used to this sort of thing by now. Remember, guys? Remember her one flaw? Remember how very clumsy she is? She tells her father that she fell and hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage, which Charlie doesn’t really give a second thought to. I love how she can lie without a second thought.

She seems to be healing, at any rate. The pain of losing her ~*one true love*~ isn’t as intense now that she’s got delusions and Jacob the Wonder Rebound to keep her distracted.

We get a time-skip of about two weeks, and narrative is introduced by way of saying that Bella was in the ER again and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the “I fell” excuse.

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner.

I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.

Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

“This didn’t happen in the garage,” I protested quickly. “We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.”

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically.

You know, a good father would have gone “mysterious injuries, bizarre cover-up stories… what is that boy doing to you?” Charlie just sort of lets her convince him it’s because she was working at a sporting goods store and it “rubbed off” on her.

In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually, you know, doing things in life, even if her reasons are self-destructive and harmful on multiple levels. Now that Edward is gone, she seems to have some modicum of freedom, freedom that Jacob is keen to encourage in her. It’s too bad everyone keeps telling me that Smeyer later writes Jacob as a major flaming douche bag. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

Bella complains to Jacob that Charlie is getting nosy, and he suggests they cool the bikes. Bella tries to think of some other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals.

Jacob, an injun, already knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course for their hike, joking about seeing the “super bear.” When they finally get to where they’re going, he’s surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But Bella felt ~*so safe*~ around Edward, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger senses.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking going on here, but I’ll spare you the details. Bella eventually asks if Jacob’s heard from Embry since he joined Samentology. Jacob says he hasn’t, gets all bummed, and puts an arm around Bella. Her justification for not shaking it off and attempting to reestablish their boundaries is he just looked sooo sad. Good God, I hate this bitch.

Anyway, they don’t find the meadow, and agree to try tomorrow. I seriously feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this chapter. Why won’t something happen. Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches? For Christ’s sake, she could have cut all this “character development” bull she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole hateful, virulent series into one God damn book.

Please, Stephenie, please, inflict your midlife crisis on someone else.