Chapter Twenty-Two

Ugh, God, where  was I.

Oh, twenty-two. This should be easy.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are escorted to the lobby, and instructed not to leave until night. No idea why. We’ve managed to avoid sparkles thus far. Bella starts to sob (BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN), and Edward has to calm her down (BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.) Gianna, the mortal at the desk, asks if they need anything, and then goes back to ignoring them. Bella asks if she actually knows what’s going on here, and Edward says she does, she’s hoping that they decide to not eat her in the end and turn her to vampirism. Bella is shocked, simply shocked, that a woman could ever possibly want a vampire. Ed kind of gives her a look, but apparently Bella is immune to irony.

She cries some more because Edward’s here~~! and they spend some indeterminate amount of time touching each other until the sun sets. Bella convinces herself that Edward doesn’t want her and is just pretending, because she is as sharp as a wet rag. Eventually a vampire comes out and tells them they’re free to leave now–probably to get all the canoodling out of his office. They get outside, Alice steals yet another car (because stealing from people isn’t against the vampire moral code), and they drive to the airport.

Cue thrilling airplane action. Bella gets a coke to try to stay awake, and Edward disapproves out-loud, because he knows she has a weakness for caffeine. Uh, since when is it not okay for 18-year-olds to drink coke? Oh right. Morrrrrmonnnnnn.

So Bella chugs caffeine to stay awake so she can continue to gaze lovingly at Edward. No, she never asks him what the hell that was all about. Never tries to talk about how he just tried to kill himself. They just pet each other’s faces and gaze.

All of the vampires are waiting for them in Sea-Tac. If I weren’t already bored out of my mind I would do the 20 minutes on Google thing to find out if they arrived during the day. I know Stephenie hasn’t been to Sea-Tac, so she probably doesn’t know that there are huge windows all over the place in this airport. But whatev. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them. Rosalie is all repentant and crap, and Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying. This is actually why I like Rosalie to begin with (FINALLY a character that is not Super Powerful on the Side of Good), but she dismantles all of that by apologizing to Bella. I’m not sure why. What exactly did she do to Bella? Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake?

They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.

WOOOEEEEE that was exciting stuff.

Chapter Twenty

I am powerful hungover. Forgive me my lack of the usual subtlety and written finesse.

CHAPTER TWENTY IS BAD AND STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD FEEL BAD.

Surprise surprise, since there is a festival going on in Volterra, traffic is a major pain. This leaves room for Bella to notice how close to noon it’s getting, and moan Alice’s name a lot. No, really.

“Alice,” I moaned. […]

“Alice,” I whispered urgently.

See? The fanfic practically writes itself.

Red is the theme for the festival of Saint Marcus. And vampire fangs. Yeah, I know. Alice bribes the guy at the gate with some cash–a fat roll with a thousand dollar bill on the outside, to be exact. Never mind that the US Treasury stopped distributing $1,000 bills in 1969, and that these bills were primarily used for bank transfers before there were electronic devices to facilitate such things. No, Alice has a thousand dollar bill–and she’s just handing them out. That’s how important it is to find Edward!

Before you say “Maybe it was $1,000 Italian?”, Italy switched to the euro in 2002, and those only go to €500. Again, five minutes on Google would have explained all of this. Why didn’t Alice just hand him a thick roll of Benjamins? Why the useless inclusion of a thousand dollar bill there is no way she would have?

And for that matter, there is a big show of how she has to put on a glove to hand him the money, to keep from glittering all over the place. How did she manage to steal the Porsche? Was it waiting in a shady grove for her? Did she keep an umbrella over her at all times?

So, of course, the guard lets Lucy and Ethel through. Alice makes some comment about “They’re everywhere!” and urges Bella to run for the Palazzo del Priori, because she’s only got two minutes to keep Edward from outing himself.

Ah, then follows four pages of Bella intensely trying to push her way through a crowd of celebrating Italians. Woo. She finally sees him standing in the shadow of an alleyway, shirtless, eyes closed, arms spread, ready to get out there and be dazzling.

Well, thankfully for everyone, Bella slams into him just before he can join the festivities. How many people wouldn’t have thought he was just in costume? That he’d poured glitter all over himself? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s just so supernaturally beautiful that of course everyone would realize he must not be human. Which only leaves vampires, duh.

Edward opens his eyes, sees Bella in his arms, and promptly assumes he’s dead. If only, big guy.

It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole.

Aww that’s so stupid and unhealthy I could just send you a card and ask to be your bridesmaid at the wedding. Should I bring my own mountain lion, or will the reception be catered?

Edward quotes Romeo or something and I nearly barf. No, really, hangover, remember? Bella finally gets the dumbass to realize that they’re not dead but they’re going to be soon because the Volturi are still around. Two robed goons appear, and Edward throws Bella against the wall and braces himself against her. To protect her, I’m sure. They make thinly veiled threats at each other before demanding that Edward come with them, and bring the cheeseburger, too. Then Alice shows up, and there’s uh, some more useless posturing, before a little girl vampire appears and demands everyone follow her.

This is pretty intense, you guys.

Alice catches Edward up via telepathy as they walk. They are led to a manhole. Alice drops down first, ready to catch Bella. Of course, this scares the piss out of Bella, because she is absolutely freaking useless.

I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the darkness, scrunching them together in terror, clamping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t scream.

Good lord, what? You know, when you close your eyes “against the darkness,” it’s still just as dark. Also, I can’t be the only one tired of Bella’s screaming. I bet The Joy of Painting would give her nightmares.

They are led through the tunnel. Bella panics because omg it’s sooooo dark. Edward keeps his arms around her and kisses her in places while no one is looking. Bella convinces herself it’s just guilt, because obviously he doesn’t want her, obviously.

The path beneath our feet continued to slant downward, taking us deeper into the ground, and it made me claustrophobic. Only Edward’s hand, soothing against my face, kept me from screaming out loud.

GOOD FREAKING GOD, WOULD YOU TAKE A VALIUM AND RELAX ALREADY

They get to a door and oh man what could possibly be on the other side. A psychologist, maybe? Some nice men with a white jacket for Bella to wear? A grizzly?

Chapter Nineteen

Let’s play “Twenty  minutes on Google.”

Alice and Bella started their day before the sun came up in Forks. It’s about mid-March, so the sun is rising at about 6, 6:15 in the morning. Jacob and friends show up at a reasonable hour for a weekend, before Charlie comes back from the funeral — we’ll say 8 am. The whole debacle wherein everyone realizes there’s a plot coming takes maybe 20 minutes. Bella and Alice leave the house for the nearest international airport (SEATAC Intl). The drive is 3 and a half hours long, on a good day.

So at around noon, Bella and Alice arrive at Seatac, and catch their plane “just in time.” Given that they’ll need to sneak through security, baggage, etc, we’ll say it’s 12:45 when they board their plane. Pre-flight, post-boarding preparations generally take around 15 minutes, again, on a good day, so I’m assuming they’re in the air at 1pm.

The average flight from Seatac to JFK (I’m assuming they’re laying-over in JFK, anyway) is 5 and a half hours long. However, thanks to time zones, they’ll be landing at 8:30pm instead of 5:30. Now, they have to run for their flight to Florence, Italy. All of these tickets were bought on the fly, by the way, and they all manage to line up perfectly without any layover times. I’d also like to point out that, even giving Expedia.com a month of leeway, it can’t find a flight connecting directly from New York to Florence–you have to at least stop in Rome. So that’s already out.

Okay, so, buying the improbability of them getting perfect times and perfect flights with no layover, they jump on the shortest flight to FLR from JFK at 9pm, and it takes 10hrs, ideally. Italy, however, is six hours ahead of New York, so they land in Florence at 2pm the next day. It’s too bad this situation is highly improbable to the point of being impossible, but still. 2pm.

Remember this time.

Alice and Bella share exposition on their long, long, long flights. They are essentially going it alone from here–if Edward makes a scene and the Volturi have to put him down, they’ll probably kill anyone who tries to stop them, which would be any of the male Cullens. Alice doesn’t want to drag Jasper into this mess, and, well, Rosalie probably told Emmett he wasn’t allowed to help, so off they go into danger!

Bella asks how Edward can’t just read Alice’s thoughts and know that she’s okay. Why, isn’t that one of those plot hole thingies? Alice explains that you can still lie with your thoughts, and Edward knows she’d lie to save him. Well. Okay. That’s still pretty lame.

The Volturi, it is explained, are like the mafia of vampires. They rule everybody because they’re powerful and rich enough to. “Rule” is sort of a loose term, since apparently the only rule vampires have (in this book, anyway) is that they can’t be recognized for what they are by the mortals. Oh, uh, oops? They keep bodyguards and protect their city, Volterra. They won’t even eat the people in Volterra, actually, they have foreigners shipped in. Not kidding.

I’d like to point out that Volterra is a real town in Tuscany. I’m not sure why she insists on butchering real events and real places instead of just making up her own random crazy city in Italy. It’s not like any of her readers have actually been there.

Anyway, the Volturi are the exterminators of other vampires, primarily. The three of them are ancient, somewhere near 3000 years old. And Edward is counting on them to kill him when he starts eating their cityfolk

It was amazingly easy to say his name now. I wasn’t sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn’t really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have an easy out.

Yes, Bella is comforted by the fact of her impending doom, for as much as she despises that Edward has decided to commit suicide simply because he thinks she’s dead, she’s just as willing to make the same decision herself.

What happened to deciding a few chapters ago that you couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to your mother and father if you died? Are you that bereft of sense?

“We’ll do what we can, Bella. It’s not over yet.”

“Not yet.” I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. “And the Volturi will get us if we mess up.”

Alice stiffened. “You say that like it’s a good thing.”

I shrugged.

“Knock it off, Bella, or we’re turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

Ha, I love Alice. She further threatens that she’s going to do everything in her power to bring Bella back to Charlie alive. Bella’s like “yeah sure whatever,” already planning for the emo poetry she will leave behind on her Myspace.

Alice tries to stir up some visions, and we are left alone with Bella’s thoughts–a horrifying prospect. She continues to dwell on how she doesn’t really want to live if Edward dies, which is soooo romantic. Alice finally snaps awake to let her know that the Volturi have decided to say no, so this buys them some time while Edward finalizes his plan for how to get them to change their minds. Bella asks how Alice’s visions have got so sharp, and she answers that she’s all “attuned to Edward” or something. Bella sighs and whines about how she wishes Alice’s vision of her becoming a vampire had been true.

“Actually, Bella…” She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. “Honestly, I think it’s all gotten beyond ridiculous. […]

Amen to that, sister.

[…] I’m debating whether to just change you myself.”

Yes, Alice is basically saying “This shit is bananas,” and offering to just bite Bella herself so she’ll stop whining. Bella, of course, is freaking beside herself.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I do!” I gasped. “Oh, Alice, do it now! […]

HEYO!!

[…] I could help you so much–and I wouldn’t slow you down. Bite me!”

Bella acts like she’s just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Please please please make me a creature of darkness! I won’t eat much and I’ll project forcefields and I’ll totally be beautiful and dead just like you! Pleeeeeease please please!

Alice tells her not to be ridiculous, she’d be in pain for days and they need to be sharp when they land in Italy. You know. As sharp as they can be, after 20 hours straight of traveling.

The plane finally lands in Florence. Bella asks if there’ll be enough time to stop Edward from eating people, and Alice says there should, since he’s changed his plan. He’s just going to step out into the sunlight.

Right. Because if he stepped out in the sunlight, everybody there would immediately know that he must be a vampire, and not… you know… fabulous.

“Right now, he’s leaning towards the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he’ll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He’ll wait till the sun is exactly overhead.”

“So we have till noon?”

Yes. Edward was going to step out into the sun at noon. You could have stopped him if you hadn’t arrived in Florence at 2pm. Minimum.

It’s okay, because they steal a Porsche and one of Alice’s superpowers is she can drive so fast the Earth rotates backwards. Eating people is bad–but stealing their stuff is A-OK.

Also, hey, guess what, there’s a festival going on, celebrating when Saint Marcus drove vampires out of the city. How ironic and also convenient? Marcus, it turns it, is also one of the Volturi. If they’re so powerful and mastermindy, why have they settled with just ruling this one town in Italy? Why haven’t they formed some kind of vampire Illuminati?

Also, there is no such thing as Saint Marcus or Saint Marcus Day. She just totally made it up! So we know she’s capable of that, and incapable of most research, and now I want to know why she couldn’t just make up a city instead of using Forks, make up a Native American tribe instead of using the Quileute, make up an Italian town instead of using Volterra…

The presence of Edward makes the chance of plot holes and headaches increase to 90%.

Chapter Eighteen

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.

Chapter Seventeen

I know you guys were really worried that Victoria was waiting in Bella’s home, ready to eat her, so I’ll save you some tension. Alice is standing in the living room, looking incredibly confused to see Bella.

Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, crying out her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Then of course, she starts crying, and Alice has to carefully extricate herself, on account of Bella smelling delicious and Alice being stupid and thirsty.

For once, in the year since the Cullens left, Bella now feels like everything is okay. Oooookay. Vampire addiction much?

Also, Alice wants very much to know why Bella is still alive. Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her fall–she corrects her with “I saw you jump.” She’d warned Edward that this would happen, but he was convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise to not do stupid things. Edward doesn’t know Bella very well.

Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the suicide of his daughter. Only, uh, here she is. Bella insists she wasn’t trying to kill herself, it was just for fun, and Alice flat-out doesn’t buy it. And besides, didn’t Alice see Jacob jumping in to save her?

Remember how Alice is most sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what. She can’t see werewolves. Yes, werewolves are invisible in her visions. Their only predator, the only other thing that can take them out, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted.

How ridiculously convenient for the plot, wouldn’t you say?

This comes up after Bella finally spills the beans that Jacob is a werewolf (so much for keeping the secret). Even though none of the vamps ever said word one about werewolves and how they’re dangerous and how they can kill vampires, Alice knows enough about them to know that they have a stupid short temper and young ones, especially, are known for loosing it.

Oh, P.S., Victoria is here trying to kill her. Why Alice didn’t have visions of that is beyond me. And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves trying to save Bella. Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring her here?

…Does Alice want Bella to die? OMG please say yes

Bella relates the whole story, sans her Edward hallucinations. Alice comments on how Bella must not be doing so hot now that they’ve left, and she’s all “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Alice mentions in passing that maybe she shouldn’t have come, and Bella has a panic attack, throwing her arms around the vampire again and begging her not to leave.

This girl needs some serious medication.

Jacob calls at this moment to check to see if Bella is still alive. When she confirms, he hangs up on her. HA! I love this kid.

Uh, let’s see. Alice is in this chapter, which you’d think would please me a great deal, but it’s still incredibly boring. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apolgizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.

Yawn.

Bella wakes up to Charlie and Alice talking about her in the kitchen. Charlie explains that for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything, and wouldn’t move. (Despite that Bella explains she only missed one day of school during her period of depression). He didnt let the doctor see her though, because he was afraid it would scare her. Riiight. Renee came up from Florida after that to take her back with her, but as soon as they started packing clothes, Bella snapped out of it, and threw a fit, screaming about how she could never leave. Ooookay. After that, she would move and eat and you know, sustain herself, but she broke all her CDs, she didn’t read or watch TV, and she never called her friends back. Hey, her friends actually gave it an effort! So I guess I can agree with their decision to just give the hell up on her. Oh, also, she screamed in her sleep. Did we ever mention that?

Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathise with how much she truly loved Edward, but she’s just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors, period. Someone should have checked her into a ward a long, long time ago.

Psychiatry is for everyone, Bella.

Charlie clearly blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent, like, you know, physical or emotional abuse. I mean, every girl goes completely catatonic for a week after they get dumped, right?

“Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.” His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…

Sooooo sick of how truest of true lovingly truly loved she was. You two had nothing in common. He berated you, insulted you, controlled you, used you, and let’s be honest, you only loved him because he was gorgeous.

Augh.

Charlie and Alice both sound like they’re pretty fed up with Edward, at least, which I can appreciate. Bella decides to pretend to wake up at this point. Charlie leaves for the res to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.

“My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”

Snap. Life basically sucks for Alice. But do you see her curling up in a ball, sobbing and vomiting everywhere? No. Why weren’t these books about Alice?

Uh, Bella does chores. It’s… it’s really awesome, you guys. There’s a ring at the door, and since Alice can’t See who it is, they assumed werewolves. God, Alice, your power really sucks.  Alice vacates as Bella goes to check the door.

And now I am finally caught up.

Chapter Sixteen

Someone

for some reason

rescues Bella Swan from the ocean.

Jacob is pounding on her back, trying to knock the water out of her lungs and get her to breathe. Internally, Bella complains that dying isn’t so much fun anymore, now that everything hurts and she can’t imagine Edward.

Sam asks if it’s even okay to move her, if maybe she hurt her back in the fall. This already makes him a million times better than the “doctor” attending Bella previously in the book.  Bella finally croaks a few words, and confirms for Jacob that nothing hurts other than her throat, so Jacob picks her up and carries her back to House Black, telling Sam he’ll meet him at the hospital later.

Oh, so Bella is finally going to the hospital for the serious injuries she’s sustatined? That’s new.

Bella thinks she sees fire out on the water. Victoria’s hair is often described as fiery in Bella’s internal monologue. How odd, is Stephenie foreshadowing now?

Jacob was searching for Bella when he heard her scream as she threw herself from the cliff. He lets her know how incredibly stupid it was to “cliffdive” in a storm. To make matters worse, they never actually found Victora. She took off into the water (apparently vampires are very good swimmers on account of not having to breathe); Jacob was afraid she’d doubled back around to the beach, which is why he came back here in the first place.

The whole hospital hint doesn’t get past Bella (she’s just so sharp) and she asks if someone was hurt in the hunting. No, actually, one of the other injuns had a heart attack, the one guy that was Charlie’s BFF. This was actually foreshadowed a bit in a previous chapter, but I didn’t recap it because I thought it was a fluke or something. Stephenie Meyer, foreshadowing? Pshaw I say.

Of course Bella immediately turns this into something about her.

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt–felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

Did anybody else notice the three adverbs in one sentence? Ugh, adverbs light up like anomalies on an MRI for me, now. Sorry, too much House, M.D.

Jacob dumps Bella in his living room and gets her some clothes to change into. Nobody has asked yet why she was trying to kill herself. I guess Jacob is in denial re: cliffdiving, currently.

For the next three pages, Bella waxes pathetic about Romeo and Juliet, in an attempt to justify settling for Jacob. She’s never going to find another person she loves as much as Edward, ever ever ever. So she may as well shack up with the first rebound she comes to. And being with Jacob would make him happy, and she doesn’t want him to be unhappy, so that makes it all right. Right?

Not even joking.

Bella also has the good sense to finally realize that indirectly killing herself “being reckless” hurts her mother and father. She doesn’t want to think about what it would have done to Charlie to lose his best friend and his daughter in the same day.

Oh, Bella still hasn’t been to a doctor, by the way, after nearly dying. Oxygen deprivation is really not so bad. Jacob at least apologizes for not taking her to the hospital, but Christ. Are people really that lacking in common sense here?

He does agree to take her home though, because Bella insists she’s fine. Oookay. Bella spends some more time attempting to justify her urge to settle for Jacob. He’s “essential to her survival!” She needs him, because she can’t possibly live life by herself.

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.

… Seriously?

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

… Seriously? You just up and admit that? You don’t care about him as much as he does, but you want to make sure that you still have him. Greedy little child! Forget that it’s possible he could be happier with someone else, if you can’t love him then no one can!

She tells herself she’d need to explain everything, so he knows she isn’t settling. Uh, even though she is. He’s just way too good for her, is all! She’s so broken and tragic and sad. And again, is it really so wrong to just want to make him happy?

Uuugggghh ugh ugh ugh. I want to hit something.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

Almost like being a whole person again. Good Lord. Forget simple codependency, this girl has full-on Dependent Personality Disorder. It’s SO romantic!

Anyway, Bella is thinking about starting a makeout session with Jacob when Edward whispers in her ear to “Be happy.” Jacob, however, opens the door to let her out, and gets a fresh whiff of vampire. So he brings the truck to a roar and they zoom off and away from Bella’s house–but not before she recongizes Carlisle’s car outside.

OMG OMG OMG IT’S TOTES THE CULLENS FORGET ABOUT JACOB THE CULLENS HAVE COME BACK TO BITE ME AND MAKE ME ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL DEAD

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

[…] “Of course,” I said, my voice blank with surprise as his question. Of course I wanted to go back.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Cullens! They’re all good and wonderful and suspicious and abusive and eat endangered animals!

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle. Take me back!”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, it’s okay–”

“No. Take yourself back, Bella.” His voice was a slap–I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

[…] He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”

Can I just say that I seriously laughed out-loud at this line? I think Jacob’s “irrational” hatred of vampires is supposed to make us not like him (because vampires are so pretty and sparkly!), but hot damn, I love this kid.

Bella takes a brief second to think that maybe, maybe she’s hurt Jacob’s feelings, but that quickly subsides because OMG THERE’S A CULLEN IN HER HOUSE!!!1

Just as she steps inside, to turn on the light, she realizes that she’d seen Victoria on the water, and is all like “Oh, I hope she’s not in here waiting to eat me now that I pissed off Jacob and he ran off.”

If only.

Chapter Fifteen

For those of you who didn’t believe Bella could honestly get any stupider, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.

Bella spends all her free time at La Push, and Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Mike notices, and asks if she’s dating that guy. Oh, nooo, we’re just friends.

Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Bella. The guy’s head over heels for you.”

“I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.”

“And girls are cruel,” Mike said under his breath.

God, now I really feel bad for Mike. The kid really never stood a chance. I don’t suppose he’s got alien or ESPer blood in him? Something supernatural? Just to give him a fighting chance?

The issue of Jacob’s constantly high temperature comes up. Bella asks if having a 108-109 degree body temperature is one of those wolf things, and he confirms. Uh, no, it isn’t. He comments that Quil has really grown lately, too, and his grandfather is complaining about his fever, so it would be long before he’s One Of The Pack.

Jacob worries that he is somehow less human because he is so awesome at being a werewolf. He then asks if Bella ever got totally creeped out being with vampires. Well of course she didn’t, because they’re just so wonderful and beautiful and perfect and boring. He asks her about the manpire powers the Cullens have, and she hesitantly tells him.

Um, let’s see… more “character development,” uh… Bella spends yet more time at the beach… she can’t stand staying at Emily’s place because of all the ~*love*~… God, I’d almost forgotten how boring this chapter is.

One day, Jacob apologizes for ruining her spring break, and promises to take her to do something fun. He remembers promising to take her cliffdiving, and says they can do it tomorrow. Bella hasn’t had an Edisode in forever, so she agrees greedily.

Unfortunately, the next day, the pack gets a fresh whiff of Victoria and they’re busy hunting her for hours. Bella loiters at the beach, watching a storm build, and goes crazy with boredom, much like I am. She gets depressed because now she won’t hear Edward today.

Bella decides she’s had enough of boredom and waiting and not trying to commit suicide. She decides she’s going cliff diving by herself.

Right now.

In the middle of a building storm.

With the waves crashing around like crazy.

She drives her truck to the top of the cliff, steps out to the edge, and smiles as she hears Edward begging her not to kill herself. I’m just waiting for the bitch to finally do it. I’m tired of boredom, overwrought narrative, stupid superpowers, flat characters, and plot holes. I want this to end. End it, Bella. Or are you too chicken?

Bella throws herself from the cliff.

Yessssss.

She hits the water and is all “Haha I am awesome,” before the current catches her. She is surprised. She is shocked that the water is so violent, in the middle of a God damn storm.

So anyway she drowns. Not kidding. She stops fighting it, stops swimming, just sinks in the water, and thinks happily of Edward.

Almost a year after her abusive boyfriend left her unconscious in the forest and stole her things, Bella Swan commits suicide by throwing herself from a cliff into the storm-tossed sea.

Remember, girls: the more you suffer, the more it means you care.

Chapter Fourteen

Lalala, let’s go meet the werewolves who get angry and rip girls’ faces off~

Predictably, all four are angry that Jacob brought Bella along. Jacob insists she can help, and the kid named Paul laughs it off as “oh sure the leech-lover wants to help us kill vampires.” Paul gets super pissed, and… oh, here, just read.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, werewolves explode. They do not morph, grow, blink, etc., they explode. Don’t believe that’s the mental image intended?

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too.

Werewolves explode. They fursplode.

Good God.

So there’s a wolf fight, and it’s super riveting and stuff. Bella’s trying not to piss herself in fright (because she’s a strong heroine) while the boys place bets on which wolf is going to waste the other. Sam orders them to take her to Emily’s, and he rushes after the two fighting teenager-wolves, kicking off his shoes as he goes.

What? Are shoes the only things that get torn up in the transformation? Oh goodness, we can’t have nudity in our young adult novels.

Embry and Jared joke about what a hothead Paul is as they go to gather the shredded shoes. Wait, they’re picking up clothes, too. Why did Sam favor his shoes so much? I’m freaking confused.

The boys continue to argue over who’s going to win the scuffle, while Bella preoccupies herself with worrying over them, since that’s all she’s good for. Embry argues that Jake’s got a gift and could kick Paul’s ass any day. The male protagonist is the best at what he does? Get out of town. They drag Bella to Emily’s house.

“You’ll have to ride in the back,” he told Jared.

“That’s fine. I got a weak stomach. I don’t want to be in there when she blows.”

“I bet she’s tougher than that. She runs with vampires.”

Hate to break it to you, Embry, but this girl screams after dreaming about trees.

So we’re going to Emily’s house. She’s Sam’s fiancée. Embry warns Bella not to stare at her, “it bugs Sam.” I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going.

The house is small and cheerful, and a young beautiful woman is busying herself with blueberry muffins. Bella at first thinks she’s not supposed to stare at Emily because she’s so pretty, and then Emily turns around.

Half of her face is completely disfigured from a series of raking scars.

Oh, I am really not going to like this.

Emily finds out this is Bella Swan standing in her kitchen, and gives her a hard look.

“So, you’re the vampire girl.”

I stiffened. “Yes. Are you the wolf girl?”

She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. “I guess I am.”

Because anybody who likes Bella is automatically a good person, we immediately trust Emily. Bella notices that Emily’s scars extend down the right side of her body, all the way down to the back of her right hand, and makes some comment about how hanging out with werewolves must have its risks.

Ho hum, your boyfriend brutally mauled you. Since he loves you so much I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

Sam shows up and kisses Emily. Bella has a panic attack because of how obviously they ~*deeply love each other*~ and tries to ignore the throbbing of her chest hole. Good God, would you get a grip already.

Jacob and Paul arrive, having made up. Bet money changes hands. Muffins and eggs are eaten. Wounds heal rapidly, which we are told is a “wolf thing.” Um, no it’s not. Jacob let’s everybody know that Victoria is after Bella, after all. Jared suggests they use Bella as bait, which I think is an excellent idea, but everyone else, of course, is all concerned for her safety. They come up with some plan or other to trap Victoria, and in the meantime, they’ll keep Bella at La Push as much as possible to keep an eye on her. It won’t seem weird to Charlie because March Madness is going on and they’ll just invite him over to watch all the games.

At the end of the day, however, Charlie does want to know what’s going on, since he thought Bella and Jacob had a fight over this whole gang thing. Bella tries to blow it off.

“I don’t know–who can understand teenage boys? They’re a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and his fiancée, Emily. The [sic] seemed pretty nice to me.” I shrugged. “Must have all been a misunderstanding.”

His face changed. “I hadn’t hear that he and Emily had made it official. That’s nice. Poor girl.”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

“Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season–horrible accident. It was more than a year ago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.”

Because he was in no way involved I’m sure. Way to go there, chief. Besides, Sam ~*loves her so much*~, he wouldn’t possibly disfigure her.

Bella meditates on whether or not she is a hypocrite. She asks herself if she would have loved Edward all the same if he had eaten people (I mean, more than he already did), if she wouldn’t have had the sense to stay away from him if he was a murderer (I mean, a murderer of good people, not just bad people).

I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

…So I guess that’s a yes.

Jesus.

Chapter Thirteen

…is called “Killer.” It really should just be called “Big Fat Whining Crying Hypocrite.”

Bella has decided to drive down to La Push and confront Jacob, who is now a killer, and killing is wrong. But she also wants to warn him that her dad is going to try to shoot him.

It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?

Are the two mutually exclusive, suddenly? She bangs on the door to the Blacks’ house, and demands to see Jacob.  Billy lies and says he doesn’t know where Jacob is, until Bella informs him that Charlie and his friends are out hunting gigantic wolves, and suddenly Billy remembers that Jacob is in his room sleeping. Bella busts in to yell at him, but is overwhelmed with pity and the urge to protect him as soon as she sees him vulnerable and sleeping. Silly, stupid women, all soft-hearted and useless. She tells Billy she’s going to be on the beach and she wants to talk to Jacob when he wakes up. I’m not sure why she bothers, since Billy hasn’t exactly been trustworthy, straightforward, or, um, adult, for this whole series. He’s probably going to pay Jacob to break up with Bella now.

Bella sits on the beach and is all introspective. When Bella gets introspective, I want to cry.

Seeing Jacob like that–innocent and vulnerable in sleep–had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn’t condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn’t work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.

… Well, then. That explains just about everybody’s behavior for all four of these books. Love isn’t logical! So stop trying to do smart things!

Jacob arrives, pleased that Bella was smart enough to figure out his oh-so-super-secretive secret. She warns Jacob about the traps and guns, which he brushes off, now growing angry that she couldn’t have just called him (since she’s in so much danger now that he’s a werewolf). He makes some comment about how the rangers are just making things more difficult, and they’re just going to start disappearing, too, which makes Bella all mad and stuff.

“What more can we do?” […]

“Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?” I suggest in a whisper.

Very supportive, Bella. Very smart. You certainly are a caring individual.

“You’re such a hypocrite, Bella–there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?” His hands shook with anger.

“Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?”

That wooshing sound you just heard was Jacob’s point flying approximately 300m above Bella’s head.

“Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m not just as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”

You know, Jacob is pretty awesome.

They continue bitching at each other, with Bella insisting that the white folk vampires are in fact sooo much better than the injuns werewolves because they, like, don’t eat people. Anymore. Edward starts whispering in Bella’s ear again as Jacob begins to lose his temper, and Bella switches tactics to begging Jake to stop killing people. Jacob’s all “Killing people? What?”

Ohhh, misunderstandings. Bella explains she has no problem with him turning into a furry blender of death (of course), it’s that he and his pack are eating people. Jacob says they haven’t eaten people, they’ve been trying to stop the vampire that’s been eating people. Oops! Sorry I called you a murderer! BFF again?

They make up. Jacob explains further that the only reason the werewolves exist is because vampires do, and their entire purpose is to kill vampires and keep them from eating people. Sounds awesome! Bella asks if they’re still hunting Laurent, and Jacob’s all what, that one guy who wanted to bite you? Nah, we tore him apart ages ago.

I’m not sure how this works. Maybe Stephenie has a pseudo-science explanation for it later. I thought the only way to kill a vampire was tear it to pieces and then light the pieces on fire? Werewolves supercede that? Why didn’t Edward mention any of this?

“It was so easy, it was hardly fun!”

“What was so easy?”

“Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don’t  count that towards the whole murder thing,” he added quickly. “Vampires don’t count as people.”

Haha you marry a dhampyr in the last book, you poor son of a bitch.

P.S., if werewolves lose their temper, they turn into a wolf and go into a frenzy. Bella asks if this means they don’t need a full moon, and Jacob rolls his eyes and says “Hollywood’s version doesn’t get much right.” Apparently. Vampires have no flaws and werewolves are all Native Americans. Who knew!

They’re still after this other vampire chick, who they assume was Laurent’s mate. Bella goes into a cold sweat, nearly faints/screams, vomits, all the usual Bella behaviors, before finally telling him that Victoria is actually after her. Oh, well, that changes things. Jacob sets her on her feet and runs off into the forest. Bella, iron-willed, has a panic attack at being left alone. Jacob reappears and says he was letting his friends know, telepathically, what was going on. Yes. Werewolves are telepathic. There are telepathic werewolves in this book.

Also, the reason Jacob couldn’t tell Bella what was going on is because Sam put a compulsion on him. Sam, you see, is the Alpha of the pack, and they all have to do what he says. It’s a wolf thing, Jacob says. I’m curious to see what other “wolf things” come up, because, knowing Stephenie, she probably got as far as “Wolf packs have hierarchy!” and left her research at that.

Sam is totally a cool guy, by the way, because he was the first of the new generation of werewolves, and had to suffer through it on his own before the other kids changed. I guess that makes him cool. More like pitiable? I don’t really buy it, and it gets worse later.

“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you?” he murmured.

I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.

“Did you ever think… that maybe… you’re better off?”

I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.”

“‘Cause he wasn’t the best–”

“Please, Jacob,” I interrupted, begging in a whisper. “Could we please not talk about this? I can’t stand it.”

She just doesn’t want to admit that he’s right.

So anyway, Jacob drags her off to meet the pack since she’s got insider information and can tell them how to stop Victoria. When you consider that the best Bella has going for her in these books is a series of big strong men willing to jump into danger to save her, I really don’t know what “skills” she’s going to be able to bring to this little party.

I’m sure the werewolves with notoriously bad tempers will be happy to see her, though.

Chapter Twelve

There’s SOMETHING AT THE WINDOW!!!1

I know, let’s go right up to it and see who it is!

OH MY GOD IT’S VICTORIA SHE’S COME TO EAT BELLA AND MAYBE CHARLIE THEY’RE SO DEAD THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES AS WE KNOW I–

Wait, it’s just Jacob. Bah.

Bella opens the window for Jacob to jump in.

“What are you doing?” I gasped. […]

“I’m trying to keep”–he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him–“my promise!”

Aw, okay, I guess I still like Jacob.

He jumps in through the window, which is like totally cool and stuff. Bella was totally ready for him to fall to his death. I don’t think falling from a second story window would kill you. It certainly wouldn’t kill Bella–her skull seems to be comprised entirely of a hard, diamond-like substance, impervious to 45 mph collisions and, I don’t know, original thought.

So Jacob jumps in, lands neatly, and gives her a grin. Apparently, the last few weeks of completely avoiding her, ignoring her, and then telling her that he doesn’t want to see her anymore despite his promise of helping her get back on her feet–apparently, that was just fun and games.

“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.

He blinked, his face going blank with surprise.

“No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.”

“I don’t accept!“

Then she tries to shove him out the window, which works about as well as you would imagine. Uh, why the hell didn’t she have this reaction when she found out that Edward had been breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night? How did Bella magically grow a spine?

It’s okay, she swoons out of nowhere at this point, because she’s just so tired, so Jacob has to stay and make sure she’s all right.

Jacob tries to tell Bella that he wants to explain what happened, but he just can’t. He’s clearly acting as though he has a supernatural compulsion to not tell her something. Now, see, that’s cult-like behavior. He finally concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can at least try to help her guess the answer to his little furry problem.

He asks her if she remembers when they first met in La Push and he told her his silly ghost stories. Oh, right! Of course Bella remembers, that’s when she first started her habit of manipulating him. She, of course, only remembers the story he told about the Cullens, a fact Jacob bitterly recognizes. Bella gives up, because she’s just a girl. She’ll probably google for it later.

Jacob leaves, after a few more awkward lines of “no I’m dangerous and you should stay away from me.” Now why is that so familiar?

Bella goes back to sleep and has those wonderful prophetic dreams of hers that have absolutely no basis on the story other than to serve as Smeyer’s only vehicle for foreshadowing. You could just, you know, foreshadow, like a regular God damn author, instead of giving your Mary Sue magical stupid powers. She dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf, like in the previous book, and then she dreams about seeing the wolves in the meadows, and…

…Wakes herself up screaming.

My goodness, she has a glass constitution. Is there anything strong about her? “I DREAMT ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!!”

So she finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. Oh my God, how terrifying! She wonders what the hell is up with Forks that she can run into both vampires and werewolves here, if maybe they are everywhere and she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?

Bella continues to freak out that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to realizing that Edward is a vampire. This, she justifies, is because she never doubted that there was something odd about the Cullens, it was just a matter of finding out what. But Jacob! Jacob was a totally normal 6.5ft sixteen-year-old with a crazy cult following him! It’s just so shocking!

Of course, she immediately makes this about her, because her best friend is totes a werewolf so she must be a freak. It must be hard knowing you’re the main character and the plot-hole-filled world revolves around you and your poorly thought-out personality.

Bella throws on clothes and hurries downstairs, desperate to see Jacob now that she knows his Dark Secret. Charlie’s all “omg where are you going” as though he cares. He urges her to go straight to Jacob’s with no stops, because the wolves have been dragging off more people now. So naturally, hunters and cops and rangers and etc. are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals.

Charlie leaves, and Bella has moral conundrums. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should be his friend, and warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too) I mean, if they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (Completely ignoring that EDWARD IS, TOO.)

The werewolves had chosen a different path.

Now, what should I choose?

Gee, I don’t know, why don’t you continue to pretend dating that one guy and then maybe manipulate him into eating only grizzly bears like your sweet beautiful ex-boyfriend did, before he left you alone in the woods and stole your things?

Goodness me, is she racist or a hypocrite or what?