Chapter One

Today was quite an adventure. I slept poorly, so I was unhappy and tense all night. I had to wait for my new prescription to fill at Target for thirty minutes–and for the full thirty minutes, a little girl screamed and wailed and kicked and shrieked about something stupid, while her mother gave her half-hearted stop-thats. And then we realized we’d forgotten something, so I, in my tired cranky state, had to walk to the store to pick it up. I picked up a snapple iced tea–my only treat so far in an otherwise bleary day. I then, promptly, dropped it when I got home, scattering fake glass shards everywhere.

Tl;dr — I’m in a foul mood.

The perfect time to start recapping Eclipse, wouldn’t you say?

New Moon left us with several things to ponder.

Would Bella convince herself to settle for Jacob, in an effort to make him “happy”–by which we all assume means she would continue to use and manipulate him, only they’ll totes be getting married and having 2.5 children to go with it?

Would Edward be able to side-step the (hastily cobbled-together) treaty Jacob’s family defends, give Bella her (flamboyantly selfish) wish of becoming one of the beautiful dead? Would Edward even give it an honest try, or hide behind Jacob’s lukewarm threats as an excuse to not give Bella phenomenal supernatural power, so he can continue controlling her life?

Could Stephenie Meyer have possibly been more obvious in her desperate, pathetic wish to be Isabella Marie Swan?

Will Rachel ever forgive herself for remembering what Bella’s middle name is?

I’m fairly certain Eclipse will neatly avoid answering all of these questions. Except for maybe the last two. Ugh, seriously, of all the things to stick in my brain.

So there’s a prologue. The last two books had prologues as well–there’s a very good reason I didn’t recap them, and that is that these prologues accomplish nothing. The preface of New Moon consisted of Bella running dramatically, and the sun being bright, and a clock tolling. I’m not sure why it even exists, other than to express a falsehood–the prologue tries desperately to be exciting, whereas the rest of the book is content to flop languidly somewhere between “dull” and “is there something on the Golf Channel I could watch instead?”

Anyway, this preface vaguely suggests that there’s a fight going on somewhere, and there’s “black eyes” watching Bella, and a wolf howls.

YEAH THAT’S IT. Is she just trying to bump up word count or something? Is this really the only way she knows how to foreshadow?

Forget this, on to the first chapter.

We are greeted by a new font (every time someone hand-writes something, we absolutely must have a new font, so we can know what their handwriting looks like!!), and several paragraphs scratched out.  After a few crossed-out paragraphs of passive-aggression, Jacob finally decides on “Yeah, I miss you too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.”

Why the hell didn’t he just grab a new piece of paper?

Bella cradles the thing like it’s a love letter from her husband in Iraq. Apparently she and Jacob are passing notes via their fathers. Are the injuns too poor for email or something? Bella whines for a while about how Jacob’s pain is her pain, and I find it difficult to feel sorry for her.

Charlie is trying to cook. Apparently he has never, um, read a book, or something, because he put something metal in the microwave. Cue wacky sitcom music and canned laughter! Oh Dad you should know by now to leave the cooking to the women. His attempt at spaghetti is a lumpy mush. How the hell did he even feed himself before Bella arrived if he can’t make freaking spaghetti?

Also, Edward. Bella is still prissy as all get out over using the word “fiancée,” which makes just as much sense as it did in the previous book. Edward is only allowed to see her from seven to nine-thirty, because she is totes grounded. But he also sees her at school. And then sneaks into her room at night. So um, way to go on that grounding, Dad. Somewhere in this explanation is the longest sentence I think I have ever seen–

Ever since my former best friend (and werewolf), Jacob Black, had informed on me about the motorcycle I’d been riding on the sly–a betrayal he had devised in order to get me grounded so that I couldn’t spend time with my boyfriend (and vampire), Edward Cullen–Edward had been allowed to see me only from seven till nine-thirty p.m. [sic], always inside the confines of my home and under the supervision of my dad’s unfailingly crabby glare.

Check it out, kids–seventy-seven words long, two parenthetical asides, one set of hyphens, and two adverbs. This must have been after Stephenie realized she was too good for an editor, and all she needed was a publicist.

Actually, I’m fairly certain the first half of this  chapter could be easily summed up in one big mama run-on sentence.

Back to the dynamic dialogue! Charlie reads the news, and is angry. Seattle had five unsolved homicides in the last two weeks! HORRORS. This is actually because of vampires but we don’t know it yet.

Bella takes a moment to Make This All About Her and thinks about how many different people want to kill her. This makes her tremble in fear, because she is strong and independent.

Charlie finally gets around to the point and talks to her about her friends. Apparently she doesn’t see them. Shocker! Charlie is willing to ease up on her grounded-ness if she promises to actually, you know, go see people, instead of spending every waking moment with her creepy boyfriend. Yeah yeah, whatever, sure, I promise. He says something about how “for a teenager, you’re amazingly non-whiny,” which makes me laugh until I choke.

P.S. The reason Bella has less friends now is because Lauren and Jessica don’t like her, and have an “anti-Bella agenda.” We are supposed to think they are both major bitches because they don’t like Bella. Never mind that they both dislike Bella for very valid reasons.

Um, this goes on for a few pages. I wonder if Stephenie is trying to address complaints that Bella has no life outside her possessive controlling boyfriend? Or if she really just thinks I want to read six pages of Bella’s father going “Make some friends, dammit!”

The conversation finally ends. Bella gets her mail, which includes a letter of acceptance to University of Alaska Southeast–chosen specifically because Juneau has an average of 321 overcast days a year. Ew. Charlie opened it first, which is lol a crime.

Then, the moment you’ve all been waiting for arrives–Edward shows up. And he’s miraculous, with perfect pale skin, a square jaw, full lips, sharp cheekbones, a (uh) marbley forehead, and rain-darkened bronze hair.

Also he’s cold and dead, manipulative, and devoid of any personality. But we get three paragraphs describing how beautiful he is, so I guess I’d better respond with ~*he’s so dreamy*~

They touch each other and gaze into their eyes and then Charlie shows up and ruins everything.

Edward has brought a set of college applications as their front. Charlie asks where Edward has been accepted to, and he’s all “Oh, you know. Syracuse. Harvard. Dartmouth. University of Alaska Southwest.”

And Charlie doesn’t even bat an eye dear Lord.

Edward mentions something about going shopping, and Charlie freaks out about Bella going to Seattle. I would make a comment about how big Seattle is and how unlikely it is she’d run into the new vampire serial killer who mysteriously drains every body of blood, but… well, this is Bella we’re talking about here, and she’d probably go wandering unsupervised through back alleys the first chance she got.

Edward wouldn’t have taken her to Seattle anyway. He was thinking Portland. Four and a half hours away. God, it must suck to live in Forks.

Jesus, this just keeps going. Bella decides she doesn’t want to fill out the Dartmouth application, and goes to crumple it up and throw it away. Edward snatches it away from her, and announces that he signs her name better than she does anyway. That’s right. He’s forging her signature on the applications to colleges he wants her to go to. I don’t care if you think it’s sweet that he’s trying so hard to get her into Dartmouth. If you think Edward is chivalrous then you are wrong.

Bella doesn’t even think twice about this, neither about how creepy it is nor controlling he can be. Oh, Edward, you’re just trying way too hard for her sake!

This is also the first time we ever–ever–hear about new vampires. Apparently, they are ravenous beasts with no self-control. That’s funny. I seem to recall Alice’s backstory involving her calmly having visions about Jasper and then going to find him. But maybe we’ll retcon that now that something new has come in and overridden everything.

Anyway, guess what, Edward confirms that the killings in Seattle are being done by a new vampire. But the Cullens, apparently, don’t give a crap–it’s not their territory and it’s not their business. That’s just downright compassionate of Carlisle, wouldn’t you agree?

They talk about going somewhere safe to eat animals, just the two of them. Edward mentions how awesome wolves taste, and Bella gets all panicky. Jacob is having a hard time right now, and it’s all her fault! Edward tries to tell her it isn’t, while the rest of us go “YES IT IS.”

When Bella brings up that Charlie’s condition for her not being grounded is she needs to be friends with Jacob again, Edward throws a fit. It’s “out of the question.” It would “break the treaty.” Does she want to start a war? There’s no point in discussing this.

What just happened?

He tries to change the subject to Wuthering Heights (the first book I’ve ever seen Bella read in the whole of this series), and she changes it back. He absolutely will not let her see Jacob. No discussion. No compromise. He then goes back to his favorite tactic–blaming all the bad things that happen on her, since she is a “trouble magnet.”

And then we get three more pages of him telling her which friends she can and can’t see, culminating in this:

He kissed the top of my head and sighed.

“No werewolves.”

“I’m not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.”

“Then I’ll have to stop you.”

He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn’t be a problem.

I was sure he was right.

WHAT

I mean

Ohhhhh he’s sooooooooo protective of her, trying to save her from the big bad werewolf that has never actually done anything to hurt her and was, in fact, a better friend to her than Edward has ever been. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the misogyny inherent in these amazing, brilliant books. Telling her which friends she can and can’t see certainly isn’t a symptom of abuse, and Edward is really very chivalrous in protecting her from things she doesn’t need protection from, and, in fact, without her even asking!

Edward Creep-o-meter: (Where one is “Take him home to meet Dad Charlie,” and ten is “change the locks, get a pit bull, file a restraining order, and buy a taser”) Seven

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183 Responses to “Chapter One”

  1. oh, wow. i personally HATE eclipse anyway, but you have thrown an entirely new light on the word ‘awful’. as in oh-my-god-this-is-the-worst-thing-i’ve-ever-read awful.

    i comend you for lashing out against the ‘religion (coughcough -cult- coughcough) of these creepy twilight-ers. i can’t even remember the religion’s name.

    • I find most of your recaps quite funny however I just wanted to point out-having negligent/immature parents makes anyone desperate for a father figure which is clearly what Bella is searching for in Edward then Jacob, trying to fill the hole of not having had a dad in her life worthy of the title.
      Also-her behaviors after Edward departs from her life DO make sense in the context of this reframing of her wanting him in her life, because anyone who feels they have lost a parent-figure at all capable of playing that role after having spent their entire life with only the fucked-up parent who happened to create her to do the job would hit incredible lows of depression up on this individual’s absence. Edward’s like-her last opportunity to have the experience of being someone’s ‘protected, beloved little girl.’
      I mean, yes, this brings up incest squick and other issues-but that’s how those with unhealed parent-related hurts walk around in the world: desperate and vulnerable in their desperation for anybody who seems willing to step in and play that role in our life.
      Even if that person is a murderer on the weekends.

      Plus-y’know, psychiatry does NOT work for everybody; the only thing that ever really does is grieving it out. One can’t do this if one doesn’t know how to explain where the pain is coming from or fears violent retribution were they to admit how very much their own father was NOT taking care of them successfully.

      The entire generation of little girls this book was intended to appeal to identify with Bella because they ARE Bella-unsure of who they are outside whatever prescribed activities they are told will get them into a “good college”, afraid having a personality will possibly lead to one human not liking them, and willing to compromise on asserting themselves in the name of being liked.

      Maybe all those girls who like Edward so much are as isolated [because of their own pain’s depth and because everyone unwilling to heal their pain because they think they have more reason to be afraid of what’s outside themselves than of their own self-destructive impulses [FALSE-remember Bella?], who are drawn to “bad boys” because it’s a great excuse to try to fix someone outside themselves who “needs their help more than they do” [FALSE] are just looking for father figures too.

      Maybe that’s why these books are so popular./

  2. “Could Stephenie Meyer have possibly been more obvious in her desperate, pathetic wish to be Isabella Marie Swan?

    Will Rachel ever forgive herself for remembering what Bella’s middle name is?”

    LOL i’ve read the series TWICE and i still didn’t remember that. acid brain wash anyone hmm?

    • Moonshade Says:

      Don’t blame yourself, Rachel! I’m sure it’s from the musical we discussed a few chapters back. They say her full name about a bajillion times in one of the segments.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        … There was a musical? Please tell me that’s a joke.

        • Keyaroscuro Says:

          Oh, you must’ve missed the link in the other comments!

          It’s a great musical. You should very much watch it. And no, I’m not being sarcastic this time.

        • It is quite amusing.

          Some guy wrote, directed, and is starring in it as a vampire.

          If you ever saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it’s kind of in the vein of the Dracula puppet musical you see at the end, I think.

  3. not the longest sentence ever. i swear, the first page of The Scarlet Letter has about 3 sentences.

    she’ll also explain later that alice’s vsions of the good, kind family that she will join are what keep her from being a ravenous bloodthirsty psychopath.

    and i don’t really think that “take him home to meet charlie” is a good choice for a rating of 1. because honestly, i could take freddy krueger home to meet charlie and he would probably be cool with it as long as it didn’t interfere with him watching sports.

  4. Clementine Says:

    GAAAAH I’m so glad you finally posted! The only thing I have to add is that Bella does read in these series – but the only thing she ever reads is old English literature. SMeyer is always going on about how Bella is a voracious reader, but the only books she EVER reads are by Jane Austen, Emily Bronte, Shakespeare, etc. It drives me crazy. I mean, I love me some Pride & Prejudice, but I am not surprised at the sexism in Twilight if this is all Meyer reads herself. And even Elizabeth Bennett is a better feminist role model than Bella Swan.

  5. also, i almost forgot to mention this, but i think you’ll find it interesting.

    i was reading an article from a local newspaper this morning.

    apparently, 2 college students have signed a contract with Penguin publishing. they are going to break down several works of classic literature on TWITTER. yes. you will be able to read MOBY FREAKING DICK in 140 character increments.

    their follow-up project is to do the same with modern classic literature. guess what they consider MODERN CLASSIC LITERATURE. yeah, that’s right. twilight. it makes me sick. there really is no hope for the future.

  6. halfhuman Says:

    I honestly cannot see how so many people want to be just like Bella. In my high schools, Bella was the girl you tripped in the halls, and laughed when she tripped again trying to get up. Why do people like her?!?!?

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      In my high school, Bella was the girl who disappeared half way through the year and you never saw her again. You might wonder about her, every once in a while when your brain is so tired or bored that it spouts random bits of memory out at you, but you don’t really care.

      But I must argue that it is not Bella that people like–it is Edward and the relationship he has with Bella. People don’t like Bella, they just want to be her. Thus only emphasizing her sheer unimportance in the whole messed up series.

      • I think in everyone’s high school, especially mine (way to go public school systems of New Jersey), Bella is the girl who ends up in a psych ward strapped into a straight jacket halfway through the year.

        Anyone who is that much of a passive-aggressive, manipulative, weak-willed weirdo needs therapy.

        I honestly think Bella is imagining this whole series.

      • Softspoken Says:

        I actually feel really sad about those vanishing people. Because somehow, I feel like I missed a great opportunity, and it’s gone forever… Because I didn’t care.

    • ridleyrebekahandskyler Says:

      I write Twilight fan fiction. Now, now, hear me out. In all my stories, I have Bella become a bad-ass, then eventually set Edward on fire while laughing. I hate the Cullen’s. Always have, always will. I think it’s my extreme hatred for them that makes me write the stories I do, because I want a strong , independent, bad-ass female lead instead of SM’s Bella. So, Bella stands up for herself, dumps Edward, gets the hell out of Forks, and does things her way for once. Which, in my opinion, is how the Twilight Saga should have ended.

  7. “Edward wouldn’t have taken her to Seattle anyway. ” I remember the line being somethihg like “Don’t worry Charlie, I wouldn’t have Bella in Seattle either.” Like she wasn’t even in the room! Aagh!

    Admittedly, if I was in a room with Bella I’d try to pretend she wasn’t there too. But still!

    Hi, thanks for writing these. :D

    • Yeah, Bella really has no part in that conversation. It really doesn’t matter what she wants! Because Edward’s just going to forge her signature and make her do what he wants anyway.

      HE LOVES HER.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        And don’t forget, we’re supposed to be jealous.

        • Moonshade Says:

          The one thing I’m slightly jealous of– somebody else doing my paperwork. I hate paperwork. I think I’d keep Edward locked in my basement just for that.

          • Keyaroscuro Says:

            Oh dear Lord, that would be AWESOME. I like your thinking.

            Come to think of it, I bet Edward would be awesome with yard and construction work and rearranging the house and stuff. He could be like an all-in-one.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            Complete with a ruthless slave driver with a whip!

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        So in other words, the only function that girl has in that particular scene is to act as the camera for the audience? If Smeyer needed a camera, why couldn’t she have made it a bit more interesting? Like Bella leaving the room, but happens to eavesdrop? Or just flat out plasters her ear to the door? And then storm in at the climax in an outraged fashion? …Oh right. It’s Smeyer.

  8. Considering that I can’t even get through Twilight, I never realised just how creepy, stalkerish Edward is. I mean, I knew he was a stalker but not to that extent.

    What? What? WHAT?!

    By the way, has anyone seen this? It’s….. I’m sorry, it’s just bad.

    http://community.livejournal.com/twilight_sucks/217060.html#cutid1

    • Actually, it’s just bad is the understatement of the century. The correct thing to say would be:

      IS SHE FUCKED UP IN HER HEAD?!

      I pity that baby girl. I really do. She’s going to grow into a messed up kid.

      Real bollocks.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      I’ve moved on from disbelieving the series, to hating it, to liking it for its pure hilarity, and now thanks to that I’m back to hating it again. My faith in humanity has long since been crushed by the abomination of Twilight. Now it’s just getting beaten over and over again. D:

    • Graymalkin Says:

      AUGH D:
      And I thought I was a little strange for naming my daughter Kael Harlequin ;3;
      That poor kid. I kinda just want to go out and slap the mom. 15 is way to young to have a kid. I’m 19 but at least mine was planned, and prepared for and I knew what I was getting into and that I wanted it.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Kael Harlequin?

        …that’s actually kinda cool. But maybe that’s just me. o.O

        • oh, no, i think that’s a pretty cool name, too. :) better than ‘ginny’.

          this is completely messed up. my friends may read the series, but NONE OF US ARE MENTALLY RETARDED. in fact, my best friend, and avid twilight reader, got me into this blog. we get that its stupid but read em’ anyway.

          but none of us would HAVE SEX because of a book, ANY BOOK, let alone HAVE A FREAKING KID and NAME THAT POOR CHILD AFTER A BOOK CHARACTER! i mean, maybe the book character, but a NORMAL name, not renesmee. or bella.

      • yah, thats actually a pretty sweet name, i was named after a street (Lexington Ave). Kael…i like the sound of it.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Do you hear that, Stephenie Meyer? IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! … Eh she probably didn’t hear me anyway…

  9. soranomukou Says:

    …I just realized I caused you a lot of trouble editing my caps posts. So… um… I feel bad, and I’ll type in losercase from now on.

    But good job on this recap. :D

    I bet I can manage that huge run-on sentence, lemme try…

    “After my former best friend, Jacob Black, had told my dad about my motorcycling hobbies I’d been grounded and prevented from seeing Edward any place other than the house and any time other than 7pm to 9:30pm.”

    ….Still long, but. 8D

  10. Katie Cole Says:

    oh jesus her middle name is marie???? that is my middle name T-T (well one of them anyway). Why couldn’t she have a different one, and not the same one that half the people,and myself, have?? WHY!?!?

    and mean seriously she came up with renesme…think outside the box smeyer!

    oh wait…

    and out of curisority i just looked smeyer up on wikipedia to see if her middle name was marie (doesn’t say) but did you know one of her kids is named seth?idek what to say about that,except get a life.srsly.

    • I also share this middle name. Not cool Smeyer!

      And didn’t she name Paul and Jacob after people related to her as well? Or something like that..

      • Charlotte Says:

        At least you guys don’t share smeyer’s last name!

      • Oh! Right, I forgot to mention the acknowledgements in New Moon!

        She thanks her siblings Emily (werewolf abuse victim), Heidi (vampire slut bait), Paul (anger-management-problem werewolf), Seth (…I think this was also a werewolf but honestly I can’t remember), and Jacob for letting her use their names.

        She also mentions that she listened to Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, and The Fray for inspiration for her writing. aaauuuugh

        • Moonshade Says:

          Breaking Dawn. She dedicated the book to Muse.

          It’s one thing to enjoy music. It’s another to dedicate a book to it.

          Makes me kind of sick.

        • THE FRAY

          i mean,
          Linkin Park
          & MCR
          that’s pretty good

          but
          THE MOTHERFUCKING FRAY

          BRB PISSED MYSELF LAUGHING

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            I hope she never gets into Second Person.

            • Clementine Says:

              No offense to people who like the bands she mentions – I mean, I liked Linkin Park once upon a time and Muse makes good workout music – but SMeyer has the music taste of a middle school wanna-be rocker boy. And she projects that onto her characters, and talks about what great taste they have. Grrrr. Anyone who lives that close to Seattle would/should have better sense.

            • And this surprises anyone how?

        • seth’s a werewolf. with halfway (or one-third, but still better than most) common sense, if not retarded loyalty. i like him.

  11. OK. this was pure gold. I’m just hoping you’re going to break down Breaking Dawn, though that book is so bad, it would take a lot of time and blog space to cut it apart. It’s beyond horrific. I’ll be going back and reading your chapter by chapter analyses of the other books. In my perfect world, this blog would be nationally syndicated and Twilight would be seen for the national disgrace that it is. The injustice!

  12. Maybe she was trying to learn Latin, and attempted her own version of a Latin sentence there. Or, you know, to “show” how good of a writer she is by making a really long sentence.

    I wonder if she even looked at what it takes to get accepted into all those big and fancy colleges (submission wise).

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      Of course she did. She spent five whole minutes on Google looking that up. It was hard work.

    • Clementine Says:

      Yeah, if Bella actually gets into any of those Ivy Leagues, I think the world will implode. That would officially be the most unrealistic thing to happen in these series, including the existence of werewolves and vampires. Oh, but spoiler, she does get accepted and then doesn’t go so she can stay home with her new baby.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        I–I think I just died a little inside. What a hell of a message to send girls: don’t waste your time on higher education, just get yourself knocked up by your teen-aged boyfriend. He won’t be scared off by the commitment AT ALL. And don’t worry, college isn’t as fun and exciting as people tell you it is. All you do outside of class is make new friends and expand your social horizons, but who needs that when you have a boyfriend and a baby?

        God!

        • You’re forgetting the boyfriend who is MEGAdazzling and a baby who is also SUPREMEBEAUTYQUEEN. And the vampires. Who wouldn’t want to give up further education for that?

          • So…does Bella even really have to sacrifice anything? Anything at all? Ever?

            (spoiler alert)

            -Apparently, with her vampire “power,” she doesn’t have to sacrifice seeing her human family and friends. (Like she ever had anything to do with them anyway)

            -She gets all the good things about having a child, and none of the responsibilities after the kid is born. The baby sleeps all the time, and even when she is awake, the rest of the family take care of her while she fucks the sparkles out of her husband.

            -The baby-sue grows at a rapid rate anyway, and will be a teenager in like, no time, and already has the mind of an adult.

            -She doesn’t have to give up Jacob.

            -The wolf/vamp treaty is called off

            -She can go to college any time she chooses. (Not saying she ever would, but she *could*)

            Am I missing anything?

            • You’re missing the fact that the only people that could destroy the Cullen “family” are the Volturi, [spoiler] who Bella just happens to be able to fend off almost single handedly.

            • RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

            • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

              ‘Cause I know Dartmouth would hold a permanent space open for you if you tell them “Thnx, gias! LOL but i’m having a baby whit my b-frend. can i still join your club in like 2 yeers? i prmise i wont get any dummer LOLOLOL!!!11eleven”

              Damn. This series makes me rage more and more everyday.

            • Android 21 3/7 Says:

              Rachel, what did you say? All I’m getting is a long line of “R”s.

        • but we all know that Bella doesn’t want friends. so it’s cool to sit at home with the baby and the abusive, manipulative husband, and the baby’s…whatever Jacob is supposed to be.

          • Pedophile=pet werewolf=pet-ophile?

            • ROFL

              Am I the only one who was seriously disturbed by the “son” comment in BD?

          • I’m curious about now, though.

            Bella is super strong, fast, and graceful, now, and he still can’t read her mind. How is he going to stop her now?

            Not that Bella would ever run away from her brand new SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME LIFE. *sigh*

            • Moonshade Says:

              Oh no. Apparently she can undo the whole ‘can’t read my mind’ thing once she’s a vampire. And puts it to use in the most utterly creepy fashion possible, in my opinion.

              Maybe I’m overreacting. Who knows?

            • Yeah, she can undo it…if she chooses to.

              No one can make her do it, and if she isn’t taking it down, it stays up.

  13. I just find it amazing that (spoiler!) Victoria is the villain for THREE of these books. I mean, come on. The only villains that have ever lasted that long in other series I’ve read have been some Supreme Evil Being. And at least in those series lots of minions died before the Big Battle with the Supreme Evil Being. Or some progress was made toward defeating said Supreme Evil Being.

    Not SMeyer. No. Smeyer takes one book’s worth of *plot* (and I’m being extremely generous there), grabs a toffee puller thingy, and goes to work stretching this *plot* into three books. All of which are over 500 pages. Ugh. And Victoria isn’t even some Supreme Evil Being. Nope. She’s just a pissed off widow.

    Just had to get that off my chest :D

    • LOL I totally got that sense too. I thought it was because I read the last three books back-to-back, but it was like the whole series was supposed to be one book, and she stretched it into this giant series. At the very most, it could have been two books, but I guess then she would have had to cut out Bellward’s arguments about who loves the other more and all the stroking of each other’s faces. It’s not like the books spent any vast amount of pages on character development, or plot, or…much of anything substantial, really. Come to think of it, what the hell does she spend so much time writing about?

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Cooking. Doing laundry. Going to every single detail-specific class. Complaining. More complaining. Idiotic purple prose descriptions…

        Anyone could easily fill up several hundred pages with nothing but what they do every day and fantasize over.

        • Don’t forget the *epic love story* that Bellward have. That takes a the lion’s share of the books, anyway. The mind-killing details of her adverby everyday life are just there to make you cry even harder.

          As one of my best friends says, there is not enough brain bleach in the world to erase this series. Once you’ve read it, it eats away at your gray matter, and there’s nothing you can do about it….

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          High school classes were boring enough (unless the teacher had a healthy sense of humor or you liked solving difficult math problems in some twisted way). Why do high school girls find this interesting? It’s like sitting through class all over again.

          • Keyaroscuro Says:

            I don’t know…my high school classes were pretty awesome.

            In art during the winter we’d try to convince our art teacher to let us start a fire due to the heating system being fried. And then we’d steal his keys, lock him out of the office…yeah, good times. And in math…wow, our teacher had the most awesomely terrible updates about her stalker. I mean, you think Edward stalking is bad, this poor math teacher has been stalked since she was a little girl…

            I miss high school. Although the newer generations…wow. Yuck.

            • soranomukou Says:

              I take offense to that. O:

              notreally

            • Keyaroscuro Says:

              Well, either way, I’m so not taking it back. x3

              But maybe it’s just the newer generations here in Utah.

              @#$% little brats from Hell.

            • soranomukou Says:

              OMG Y R U SO MEEN D;

              Probably, but I guess because I’m friends with the people who might be troublemakers I’m a little biased. I know a few of them have got a drinking underage and drunk & disorderly fine or whatever by the police, so. xD

  14. Rachel H. Says:

    I really really wish someone would show your blog to Smeyer… I wonder if she actually thinks these are good or if she realizes the ridiculous smut she’s writing, but doesn’t care because of all the money she’s making…
    *sigh*

    I’m sorry you had such a bad day! I totalled my car yesterday so I know how you feel sort of :)

  15. Allycat Says:

    Does anyone else find it truly sad that we are on the third book and finally got a physical description of Edward? Not that I am impressed at all. I mean really, sharp cheekbones, not high, not sculpted, pointy. Also, what exactly does a marbley forehead even look like?

    • …spherical and transparent with a little swirly colored thing inside? I mean, that’s what my favorite marbles look like.

      =P

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I don’t know, but I am picturing marbled ice cream right now. You know, the vanilla with the chocolate ribbon swirls.

    • In fairness some authors of real literature don’t describe their character’s physical appearance to any length. Jane Austen (off the top of my head) says someone has a ‘light and pleasing figure’ but unless it has something to do with the story she doesn’t go into detail.

      But the rule is (unwritten rule of writing) that if you don’t describe your characters when you introduce them you NEVER describe them. The reader will have an image in their head of what the character looks like and bringing it up later is confusing and unnecessary.

      • Allycat Says:

        I would be totally fine if she never described him if she didn’t harp on how beautiful he is every other paragraph. That and waiting until the third book to do it.

        • Moonshade Says:

          *taking careful notes for my own stories*

          • haha, me too! :) i’d MUCH rather appeal to the kinds of people who read this blog than the kinds of people who read smeyer’s crap. (excluding my friends. because most of them read this AND the books).

            • I have to admit that as much as I loathe these books, the fans just fascinate me. The stuff they make, the things they read–it’s the fans that really make this fun.

              So knowing that there are fans who read both the books AND my blog makes me laugh. Ha ha ha. I chuckled.

  16. Rachael Says:

    So, uh, can I just say that I absolutely love this blog? It provides much needed lulz, while informing me of this horrid series about as well as reading it might. Minus all the suffering. xD

    Oh god. Charlie sounds like the worst father ever, and Edwards controlling seems to have gotten worse, if that’s possible. At least your telling of it is funny, rather than the undiluted horror I can picture SMeyer’s as.

  17. You guys. http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1614969/story.jhtml
    While I’m glad for the town’s natives that business is booming in Forks, this is otherwise one of the most facepalm-iest things I have ever read.

    • Kaotik4266 Says:

      Oh my… I… just… what…
      *whimpers*
      Could someone please turn the stupid off?
      *brain explodes*

      Also: My favourite paragraph –

      “”We got to listen to a lecture by John Granger, who is the author of many [books about] Harry Potter,” explained Maddi of “Bloodsuckers,” a “Twilight” podcast, who attended Granger’s class on religious themes within the pages of the popular novels. “Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and we didn’t realize how much her religion played into the ‘Twilight’ series.”

      What? Really?! Um… wow you’ve obviously thought a lot about what you’re reading beyond “Oh Edward. You’re so lovely!”. Not saying it’s a bad thing to be writing about religious values, but geez! Think a bit about what you’re reading!

      “He told us about how Bella and Edward, in the series, represent the relationship between man and God. Edward is God, Bella is man, and when he leaves she feels an absence in her heart. That was really interesting.””

      Yes. Interesting is absolutely the word I would use to describe their relationship. Also, considering it as a God-man relationship? Maybe smeyer might like the idea of this, but it really seems abusive and just plain creepy when applied to a human (or whatever) relationship…

      • So if Edward is God, what is Smeyer trying to say when Edward tries to off himself?
        hahah just saying.

        I almost want to hear that lecture because how does that god-man relationship possibly hold up when it’s applied to the rest of the book?

        Sigh, one of these days I’m going to have to read the book just to see what kind of trainwreck we have here.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        . . . Edward=God.
        What. The. Fuck. I really don’t think even smeyer intended that to happen.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        What? Eww. I always thought that man was supposed to have a child-parent relationship with God. That’s why he’s referred to as “The Father.” Edward and Bella are clearly lovers. Even in the first book, they could be considered boyfriend-girlfriend. I doubt even Smeyer feels that way about God, especially since she’s just basing this trainwreck on a dream she had. I worry about that man’s book.

        • Keyaroscuro Says:

          I worry in a different way. The war with the Twihards is going to end up much more nasty when the lot of the get a old of all this “symbolism” crap.

          If they want symbolism they should go read Heart of Darkness or something, jeez.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        bella’s a man!?

        I’m jk, I know what you’re saygin but still..I couldn’t resist!
        And how could they say Edward is God?
        Not that I know much about God, but E’s always going on about not having a soul, going to hell, emo emo emo…so yea, what? No idea.

        • Moonshade Says:

          Apparently the fans think he’s a god. *shudder*

          See: Cullenism. Google it. I dare you.

          • Katie Cole Says:

            ick no thanks. I read like half a paragraph about what is was about before but never again.

            Oh and weird tidbit
            I have a friend named Cullen, and he lives in Fort Edward.

            yea it’s dumb, I just like to tell it to my friends who like twilight >:)

      • so if Edward is god, Eella is man, then does that make Renesme Jesus? and yah that is quite interesting…

    • soranomukou Says:

      Honestly? I can say that I was so frightened I couldn’t read past the fifth paragraph.

    • … What? I mean… what?

      What are they putting in the water? Someone had to put this stupid here.

      • I applaud the good people of Forks.

        They took the huge negative of being the setting of the Twilight series, and turned it into a huge positive by reviving the local economy and bilking thousands of stupid Twilight fans out of their Hot Topic money.

  18. Her father not being able to cook is just one of those things that I think her editor just stopped caring and started doing poppers before reading anything she wrote. How in all of his years of living alone, with out a woman to cook for him, did he not figure out: metal + microwave = bad?

    With the level of dominating Edward is doing to Bella I expect a safeword and a gimp mask in the next chapter.

    foliage.

    • whoa
      whoa
      whoa.

      she had an editor???

      • She would have had to, no matter how many books you write and publish you still need an editor for each and every book.

        It’s sad. It kinda makes you lose faith in the human race…

        • her editor was clearly asleep on the job.
          can’t say as I blame him.

          but …
          ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

          • I feel really bad for the editor of the first book. I mean they’re told this will be published, and they read it and… how exactly are they supposed to fix it?

            Also you KNOW it was 1000X worse than what was actually published, which sends a chill down my spine.

            • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

              Congratulations. You just fueled my nightmares for the coming months.

            • if you want, you can read what she left out. she posted them on her website. she calls them outtakes or something. i think she has some for new moon, too. something about bella getting high on percocet. apparently her editor didn’t like that.

          • No, see, SMeyer made sure that her editor was a middle-aged, repressed woman with some tweenie daughters. Then she dropped Twilight.

            Cue the ensuing madness.

      • pretty hard to wrap your head around isnt it?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      My guess that he was living off of cup noodles and pop tarts. It’s how I would get through college if I weren’t living with my mom.

    • Katie Cole Says:

      maybe she tried to make it a comical thing like haha charlie you goof metal doesn’t go in the microwave *eye roll into a head shake*

      MUCHO FAIL

      so how did he even get a job as a cop?

      • In small towns you just take turns wearing the badge.

        Men just don’t know how to cook (silly men), they should leave that stuff to the women! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…

      • This comment made me imagine a sitcom moment with Bella shaking her head at Charlie and going “Oh, Charlie!” Then Charlie would shrug into the camera looking goofy and disoriented, the sad trombone would play, and then the screen would slowly fade to black…Tune in next week to watch Bella enter Edward in the town talent show!

        • Katie Cole Says:

          I was imagining the same thing! Haha :D
          but without the trombones.

          I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. I do live in the biggest place in my county (and the only city, if you can call it that) but the quality of our police for is a joke. There is this running joke going around all the time that any drugs the cops seize, they take for themselves. Which isn’t all that far from the truth, since apparently my parents knew some of them in high school and they were serious druggies.

  19. oNaMarie Says:

    ohhhhhhhh so many things to say…

    1) the middle name. why why why why WHY did smeyer have to be so unoriginal. i actually LIKED my middle name…

    2) she applied to University of Alaska Southeast in Juneau. wow, that came out of no where…yes, it’s mostly grey here but we could do without her. plus, she wouldn’t like UAS: people are actually nice and want to be your friend. how about the UAS branch in Ketchikan? they’re just a ferry’s ride away, worse weather and it might even improve the town! (nothing like some good old town rivalries going)

    3) that story about the girl naming her kid for the offspring…good christ, why would you do that knowingly to a child?? stories like this scare me for the future…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      I personally feel that all these antagonistic feelings about the middle name are quite harsh. Why harp on it being unoriginal?

      And about that girl and her unfortunately named baby, yeah that’s pretty horrifying. It’s the kind of thing that gives me another reason to lose faith in humanity and refuse to have children. With people like this around them, I think they’d rather have never existed.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        It’s not that they are totally antagonistic, but it just doesn’t seem to be very origianl, compared to some of the other names, which aren’t as common nowadays.

        do you realize how many people I know who have that middle name, myself included? TONS.

        “A few of the most popular middle names for girls include Marie, Grace, Rose, Clare, Mae, Anne (Anna or Ann), Lynn, and Renee.”http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-some-popular-middle-names.htm

        and most of the websites I searched said the same thing-
        http://pregnancychildbirth.suite101.com/article.cfm/popular_middle_names_for_girls

        http://www.namenerds.com/uucn/advice/middle.html

        SMeyer came up with Renesme. All I’m saying is she could have picked a middle name that was a bit more interesting or something.
        Hell she could have just not given her one at all! Does anyone else have one (besides her kids)?

        • That’s because Bella followed a Mormon tradition of fashioning a name out of the names of the relatives: Renesmee(Renee, Esme) Carlie(Carlisle, Charlie) Cullen(in a couple of years, she will be Renesmee Carlie Cullen Black).

          Or at least, I heard it was a tradition. I have no inclination to research it.

          • Katie Cole Says:

            well SMeyer did, not Bella. As far as we know she has no religious affiliation. But apparently SMeyer just puts hers in there whenever. And Carlie is actually a real name. Why not stick with one that seems more normal and not worthy of an ass kicking?

            Isabella is Italian and Marie is French
            Renee and Esme are French
            Charlie is English and Carlisle is Scottish

            so that makes Renesmee Carlie what? A bit of everything I guess :\

            Don’t mind me I just like name origins and things like that.

  20. Could Stephenie Meyer have possibly been more obvious in her desperate, pathetic wish to be Isabella Marie Swan?

    actually yes. towards the end jacob and edward have a conversation about bella (because they LOVE her and want to PROTECT her because she’s PERFECT… PERFECT GODDAMN IT) . i couldnt help imagining smeyer stopping every few sentences to jerk off a bit more

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      . . . Correction. That last sentence has just fueled my nightmares for the coming months.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Keep reading this blog’s comments and you won’t be able to sleep soundly for the rest of your life once we get into Breaking Dawn.

      • Not enough brain bleach in the world…..

      • You know, both times you’ve said that in these comments, I thought of the same thing.

        Namely, the Dunwich Horror crawling out of a copy of Breaking Dawn, inch by slithering inch.

    • Katie Cole Says:

      no. i think she did a pretty good job. what a surprise.

  21. Andrew Acelister Says:

    I’ll admit, these are the first comments I’ve read all the way through – and I’m wishing I hadn’t. Things below the post are horrible! Babies named after characters and fathered by other character-counterparts! Simple words making me search out and read one of those “deleted scenes” (well, a page), and feel so disgusted with myself…!
    Amazing Blog. Big fan, but felt I had to comment now you’re onto the third book. I’ve read every post since you put up Chapter 15 of Twilight, and I’ve come to the horrifying conclusion: Twilight is like the iPhone.
    It’s big and popular, it will eat away your time, it’s made by people the world should dislike, it’s needlessly simple – but the main thing is: I want to experience it. I want to read Twilight as much as I want to have an iPhone. And I do not want an iPhone! It’s a ludicrous feeling, but it’s true.
    I want to read Twlight because it’s so intriguing. Can a book POSSIBLY be this bad? I want to own an iPhone because people say it’s great. But can it possibly be better than Windows Mobile, which I’m used to?
    Well, from the single page of that deleted scene, yes. Yes it can be this bad.

    I’m rambling, I know…
    tl:dr – Twlight sucks! Three cheers (and Prozac) for Vampirely!

    • Awesome! Yyyeah our comments are just as bad as actually reading the damn book.

      Also, I see some glaring typos in your (inexplicable) Apple hate rant, let me fix some it for you!

      Twilight is like anything Windows.
      It’s big and popular, it will eat away your time, it’s made by people the world should dislike, it’s needlessly retarded – but the main thing is: I want to watch the flaming wreckage. I want to read Twilight as much as I want to have Windows Vista. And I do not want Vista! It’s a ludicrous feeling, but it’s true.

      • soranomukou Says:

        I rather like my Windows. It works perfectly for me, and easy to use, so I don’t know what the hell is bad about it.

        Mac is useless. It’s only there to make playing around “easier”, which is pretty much stupid as it doesn’t even come with free games. Windows DOES.

        Their adverts are absolutely stupid; they have nothing good to say about their own product so they attack Window’s “weaknesses” which aren’t even weaknesses if you have common sense.

        I could easily do all the things that Macs say they could do easily when I was 5.

        USB ports don’t even work on Macs, how lame. There are no technical difficulties on Windows whatsoever, that I find. I’ve only ever had the blue screen of death ONCE in my one year of having this computer, and that’s because I was playing on an online game and I entered a town with 10000+ people present. Which kinda screwed my computer graphics card or whatever a bit.

        Macs are for the computer illiterate.

        • Mirthstrike Says:

          “I’m used to using the thing I use, so therefore it’s better”
          lol

          • soranomukou Says:

            Read it again and comment again, without the fail this time.

            :)

            • “I’m used to the thing I use, so it is better, and my jove MY WORD IS LAW GOD DAMN IT why can’t you people just be happy I’m using losercase lol”

              :)

            • soranomukou Says:

              “Without”
              with the absence, omission, or avoidance of; not with; with no or none of;

            • Mirthstrike Says:

              O noes. Somebody who clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about has accused me of fail. I must drown my sorrows in a rousing game of Klondike, or perhaps even Freecell if I’m feeling saucy enough! Woo Vista!

            • Moonshade Says:

              Guys. Vampires.

              Not computers.

              This is not a Mac vs. PC commercial.

              I use Windows, my best friend uses Mac, and this really shouldn’t be that big a conflict. Both have their merits and their drawbacks, unlike Twilight, which is just pure retardation in a book.

        • Uh, you’re retarded. Have you ever even fucking used a Mac?

      • Andrew Acelister Says:

        It’s less inexplicable for me, as my mind was tired and wandering… At work, we’d been talking about how the iPhone is something we don’t want, yet at the same time we do want one…
        Didn’t mean to be a hater – or set off the non-Twilight comments. Let’s hate Smeyer, not each other.

  22. Moonshade Says:

    Yipes.

    Beware the wrath of Rachel Vampirely, for she doth not reserve it for Smeyer alone. Let this be a lesson to us all.

  23. Moonshade Says:

    And on an utterly unrelated note:

    http://www.brianleaf.com/

    Because putting a mind-leach on your brain will naturally make you smarter. I wonder if they also define things like ‘pedophile’, ‘stalker’, ‘abuse’ and ‘therapy’?

    • I wonder why Peter Facinelli, an actor who has studied nothing but acting his entire, is the person they have for the blurb.

      Yeah, he’s in the Twilight movie, but still….what does he bring to the table that gives him such insight into academia?

  24. I’m so happy the Eclipse recaps have started!

    More good times with Edward the Animate Discoball and Bella Sue Cardboard.

  25. Yeah! Updates!
    Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if smeyer didn’t really know how bad her “novels” (term used loosely) were to begin with. She could be faking the entire time! all these interviews, her writing. It could very well be a money trap. Seriously, think about it. Doesn’t she get money from all the book AND movie sales? I do know that now she is past a MILLIONAIRE. Really? This has got to be a fluke. Otherwise I think I’ll lose all faith in humanity.

  26. man, smeyer she seriously invest in an editor

  27. Actually, there’s a sentence in Les Miserables that’s literally about three pages long. Presumably this is allowable in old-guy French. Much better book, regardless.

    Also, Jacob, according the Long Sentence of Recap is a former werewolf. ORLY?

    College application thing is…yes, that’s officially, seriously controlling and that he uses her signature, creepy.

  28. Makokam Says:

    Holy crap.
    Bella is retarded. No, seriously, it explains EVERYTHING.
    “Ohh lets be nice to new girl, she’s retarded.”
    “Oh, hell, this girl just smells too damn good, to hell with Carlisle I’m going to…oh…she’s retarted…I can’t eat her now, that’d just be wrong.”
    “Oh god, if I don’t take the lead this Dizzy bitch is going to get herself killed, she doesn’t even realise her trucks tires are bald.”
    “Oh sweet christ, will somebody strap her in? She forgot to buckle up and we’re going OFF ROADING for gods sake.”
    (after chapter one of New Moon)”OH god, being around her is making me stupid too, I gotta break this off.”
    “Oh, but she just smells soooooo good.”
    etc. etc.

  29. “[…]serial killer who mysteriously drains every body of blood, ”

    This brings images of Dexter to mind…

  30. i’m listening to the audiobook eclipse, and i thought i’d been listening for ages, but reading this made me realize that i’m STILL ON THE FIRST FREAKING CHAPTER.

  31. Kayla M Says:

    I love this!! My first comment. I love this blog with a passion and I am this far but I started reading- LAST NIGHT! <3 ILY! woo

  32. I can’t help but picture Bella gazing at a dark alley and her eyes widening with childlike curiosity, “Oh, what is that?” As she be begins to wander to the unknown thing that has caught her eye, she lifts her thumb to her mouth to give it a generous suck.

    When she begins to blend into the darkness…

    Splat!

    Blood everywhere!

    Hahahahaha!

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