In All Seriousness

I am losing steam with the recaps. When it comes down to “play Puzzle Pirates, go out with friends, or watch a really bad movie with giant robots” versus “read a Twilight Saga book,” there really isn’t much contest.

But I understand my duty, and that is to read Twilight so you don’t have to. And I promise you, no matter how dull it gets, no matter how offensive, misogynist, and downright ridiculous, I will continue to recap.

I plan to maintain and enforce a schedule of recaps every Tuesday and Sunday, barring acts of God or 21st birthday parties. If only so I don’t have to hold on to someone else’s copy of Eclipse for more than a few months. Frowny face.

I also want to point out a few nitty-gritty changes to the blog: There is no longer an approval process. WordPress’ spam filter has more than satisfied me, and I do not feel the need to check if everyone posting is a robot. If you were a giant robot, however, that would be a different case. Also, comment replies can now reach seven tiers, instead of just three. This should hopefully alleviate some confusion in the “discussions” you guys have (which seem to largely be about… let’s see… what shape Bella’s nightlight is?)

As always, you can send good thoughts and misspelled missives to manpirepowers I check it occasionally! So you might actually get a response. Thanks for continuing to read about my descent into madness.

24 Responses to “In All Seriousness”

  1. Yay you! Read this crap so we don’t have to!
    Your making fun of the book is so much more entertaining than reading the saga. I started the first book and then I threw it out of the window.

  2. I very much appreciate that you throw yourself on this grenade for the rest of us. In return I shall dramatically fling myself upon your coffin, sobbing so hard my face turns that attractive red.


  3. Christina Says:

    Thank you for recapping!
    It’s very kind of you to do this with such godawful books.
    The only thing I’ve done similar is watching the Twilight movie twice with different friends to show them how terrible it is. XD I just recently made fun of it with my good friend and showed her when Edward flaunted his sparkles while saying “THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KIIIIIILLER!”
    But reading the books is more terrifying.

  4. you must recount the grisly tales of sparklemongering! It’s seriously the highlight of my week when you post. lol

    I realize that makes me completely lame, and I have absolutely no shame in that!

  5. Thanks for your blog, Rachel. Just remember to pace yourself, too much Twilight can be bad for the brain.

    “WordPress’ spam filter has more than satisfied me, and I do not feel the need to check if everyone posting is a robot.

    Oh, dear. You’re onto us! Retreat and deactivate Project SpaceNet, guys.

  6. yay! and… yay!… if it wasn’t for this blog I wouldn’t know enough about this stuff to, like, beat people’s scores on super fun Twilight quizes on facebook! and annoy the hell out of them… of course, nor to give a large and grandious speech to my teenage brother on how he just shouldn’t bother, the way he reacted when I told him what he should expect from the next movie and how it all ends was priceless. I guess I shouldn’t have said anything at dinner, but oh well.


  7. Erika Danger McHamperson Says:


  8. M. Fruvus Says:

    Bella’s nightlight is probably shaped like a swan. Because that is her last name! and also swans are beautiful ~just like Bella~

    • Di-chan Says:

      Considering Bella’s obsession, it is shaped like Edward’s face and glitters like he is in the sunlight… so he can constantly watch over her.

      • Actually her nightlight is just Edward holding a flashlight up towards his face so he really CAN constantly watch her.

  9. I found this and thought you might enjoy it. Think of it as something to ease the pain.

    • Carolyn Says:

      That’s got to be one of the best mash-up videos ever. I’ve seen reactions to it on Twilight fan sites, and they all pretty much follow the same basic formula:

      O.M.G. That was, liek, SOOOO funny! But they totalley made Edward seem liek a stalker when hes totalley not. Hes so romantic! and i’ve never seen the show, but Buffy would never kill Edward, hes got, liek, awesome powers and stuff.

      I shit you not.

  10. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    I do everything (except schoolwork and actual work with deadlines) on an “if I feel like it” basis. So if you really don’t feel like reading and recapping the book, then you shouldn’t feel obligated too. When there’s obligation involved, stuff usually stops being fun.

  11. Rachel, you are a saint. No really, I created a religion just now and canonized you as our first and only saint.
    Saint Rachel Vampirely: known for her selflessness, patience, and biblio-autoflagellation.

  12. I can’t believe you had the will to make it through this book at all- I would have given it up long ago. Tolerating long badly written passages of idiotic *nothing* must be your super-special vampire power ^^ (or maybe it’s masochism? Anyway, thank for giving us something about this god-awful series that we can enjoy!)

  13. I… if my comment about the shape of Bella’s nightlight was that inappropriate I will gladly sit on my hands next time I feel the need to make a stupid comment D:

    (yay recap *quietly reads*)

    Starting… starting next comment, of course. xD

  14. soranomukou Says:

    heelll yes

    thank you ♥

    you really don’t have to kill yourself by reading that book and forcing recaps, because absence makes the heart grow fonder. as long as you occasisionally recap, i’m fine.

  15. Softspoken Says:

    Thank you for putting yourself through such torture, even if only for our amusement. How goes Puzzle Pirates, anyways? I used to play it.

  16. alaskan-salmon Says:

    i’m shocked… i am able to slightly empathise with the bella.
    no i haven’t gone all suicidal because my invisible boyfriend left me, that would be stupid.
    i’ve gone all suicidal because the television show bones ends next week!
    oh well, i’ll just have to use top gear as my emotional crutch. he he =)

    the bella really needs to get a life. actually i think smeyer does too.
    but then again, she might actually have some serious problems. i pity her daughters.

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