I was content to play Puzzle Pirates until my skull turned as soft and porous as a Sara Lee spongecake, but will my mother settle for anything less than me continuing to read this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said before, about… whoa, wow, more than a week ago (can you guys really blame me?), there is an epilogue to this story. It really is more like an additional chapter. I’m not sure what sets epilogues apart from honest-to-God chapters, but then, neither, apparently, does Stephenie.

So, okay, the epilogue.

Everything goes back to normal a la a 30-minute sitcom. Math is still really hard. Bella’s friends still think she’s a loser. Edward is forcing Bella to go to college (for her own good). We are treated to a small aside about how, of course, Edward has already gone to Harvard, so he doesn’t need to go to a particularly prestigious college this year–wonderful for everyone since Bella has no goals whatsoever and will probably end up shuffling her way to community college.

Already been to Harvard? Why the hell is he even bothering with high school anymore? Is he really just doing it to pick up girls 90 years his junior? (blegh)

There’s thinly veiled plot mechanisms, and then there’s Stephenie Meyer’s writing.

Bella and Jacob are no longer BFF, and I say, good for him. He’s not returning her phone calls, and Bella is wondering “oh no was it something I did,” which we all know the answer to: yes yes a thousand times yes. Bella waits until Edward is kicked out every night (by a “grimly gleeful” Charlie) to make her calls to Jacob, because Edward gets an angry (dare I say, jealous) look on his face any time she mentions Jacob’s name. This is because he wants to protect her, and it has nothing to do with possessiveness or his need to control her. I swear.

The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

That doesn’t come until Breaking Dawn, as many of you know. A minor spoiler for those of you who don’t know–the only reason Jacob has been so madly in love with Bella is because he is actually the destined soulmate of her dhampyr “half-vampire” daughter.

Yes. I’m serious. He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

So, in short, Bella will marry Edward, have his baby, and Jacob will get the consolation prize–the baby. The only reason I have the will to continue reading this crap is to get to the shining paragon of übercrap that is Breaking Dawn.

Anyway, where was I. No longer BFF. Bella throws a snit in front of Edward on the way home over it, and he tries to convince her that it’s not her they hate. Right, no. Of course not. It couldn’t possibly be Bella that’s the problem here. Everyone freaking loves Bella.

When they get home, Charlie is in a rage, and there in the driveway is Jacob’s truck with the two bicycles in it. Oh man, he totally told Daddy on her. Bella is livid, and, because she is a girl, starts crying. Oh my gosh, Jacob is like so totally mean! Yeah, she more or less says that.

I could never imagine Jacob could be so petty and just plain mean.

Welcome to breaking someone’s heart, you stupid slut.

So um, they have a yelling match. Edward keeps Bella behind him at all times, to “protect” her. Bella accuses Jacob of wanting Charlie to have a heartattack just like Harry–there’s the manipulative girl we’ve come to know and love. Edward does the floundering plot a favor and reads Jacob’s mind–Jacob turned in the bikes and tattled on Bella in the hopes that she would get grounded from seeing Edward. This impressive leap of logic brought to you by: teenagers.

Bella whines that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t come to La Push to complain at him for not taking her calls. Jacob is all “oh, uh, oops,” and Edward, once again, violates the poor kid’s privacy by reading his mind.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

Not exactly a stretch, considering later Edward does just exactly this. Edward then decides to do the chivalrous thing and thank Jacob for taking care of Bella while he was gone. I had an ex pull this once and it pissed me off more than anything else–I don’t need a man to “take care of me,” and neither, for that matter, should Bella. But since she is a character written by Stephenie Meyer she absolutely depends on men to rescue her from something as mundane as a God damn paper cut, so I guess chivalry is alive after all.

Jacob also takes the time to warn Edward that the treaty means that if he bites a mortal–say, oh, I don’t know, his girlfriend–then the treaty is off and it’s werewolves vs. vampires time. Oh nooo dear God I hope that actually happens. These books are so freaking lame and boring a good old fashioned fight scene might do us some good.

Edward and Jacob fight over who’s going to kill Victoria (who has disappeared, by the way. She was the “villain” of this “book” and wasn’t in a single freaking scene), and Charlie roars and shouts for Bella. She pauses before running off to accept her punshiment so she can look at Jacob with big, wet eyes and say “You pwomised we’d still be fwiends.” Edward pulls her away, and even Bella notes that it’s in restraint instead of protection. Everybody shouts for a while.

Uh, yeah. Jacob finally leaves, and Edward and Bella go to Charlie. Uh.

The end.



I, uh. That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.

I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.


69 Responses to “Epilogue”

  1. Hi there. I’ve been lurking around here for a while, but here is my first comment.
    I love how you put book in quotation marks, because smeyer can’t actually make writing that is good enough literature to be a book. XD
    By the way, why do you call her by her full name now? Her crappiness doesn’t derserve to have a first name. Or capitals in her name, for that matter.

  2. >I can’t really imagine how these books could get any more dull at this point.

    But wait, there’s more! More thesaurus abuse! More destruction of vampire canon! More craptastic non-plot to come!

    All yours for the price of your brain cells leaking out of your head with every mundane chapter Smeyer has put to paper.

  3. It COULD be worse. Bella could paint her room and you’d have to read about paint drying.

    • I’m fairly certain that would be an improvement.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        As would if she planted a garden and we had to read about plants growing.

        • And you can be sure that we’d be given every. fucking. detail.

          Bella went to the store to buy flowers. Bella found some pretty flowers that reminded her of Edward’s eyes. Bella went back home. Bella dug a hole in the garden. Bella put the flower in it. Bella filled it up with dirt. Bella watered the Edwardflower….

    • biankita Says:

      books on paint-drying rules!!!

      • And this book, it will have a name, not just ANY name! a name that is inspired by the best Soap Operas ever.. and it will be called:

        “As the paint dries.”

  4. There will be action in the third one, but don’t expect anyone we as the “good guys” to get hurt or die.

    Also, in the last book, Meyer gave it a happy ending, saying that she didn’t want to have an all-out battle between the Cullens and the Volturi because that would have casualties on both sides and that’s just not how life works! Good guys don’t die in battle, not in Bella’s perfect world. Mind games are apparently a lot cooler than vampires massacring each other.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Oh no, one of them gets hurt (ONE. Just one.).

      And he’s a werewolf who has SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME HEALING ABILITIES, so it’s about as bad as getting a bruise for him. Big whoop.

      • Oh, but doesn’t one of the vampires on the Volturi side get ripped to pieces or something? I can’t quite remember why….All I really remember thinking is “This entire book is absolute bollucks.”

        • The Volturi are the “bad guys” so who cares about them! And the werewolves are looked down upon by everyone on Team Edward. So they don’t matter. If their last name isn’t Cullen, THEY DON’T MATTER.

    • Problem is, mindgames CAN be pretty cool. If it were recognised that they’re mindgames and if they were the focus of the story. Instead, SMeyer thinks it’s ‘Twuuu Wuuuuv’.

  5. Allycat Says:

    He’s actually “imprinting” on one of Bella’s eggs and not her. I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.

    That was so wrong on so many levels! Yet, so true….I think I am scarred for life….I also still don’t get how he even has sperm cells, he’s described as being ice freakin cold, sperm is very temperature sensitive!

    • That bodily fluid is also replaced with venom, if I recall correctly.

      • Then how in the name of all things unholy does he get her pregnant? Nevermind, I don’t really think I want to know…

        • Moonshade Says:

          That’s just it: she should have turned vampire before pregnancy was even an issue, and if nothing else the fetus would have been stuck inside her, partially developed, for the rest of eternity.

          • Bendemolena Says:

            I like to take solace in the fact that, according to SMeyer’s canon, Bella still has loose stretchy skin and tons of babyweight as a vampire.

            BUT OF COURSE, once she realizes it she’ll come out with some sort of ~scientific explanation~ about how Bella’s body got perfect and beautiful and it healed itself up even though she doesn’t have healing abilities during the turning.

          • Now that would have been disgustingly interesting! Too bad Smeyer would simply DIE if Bella was ever anything less than perfect.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        Venom? Seriously? You couldn’t get more Puritanical than that. Your semen is a curse from the Devil! You should feel ashamed every time you are aroused. ASHAMED!

  6. Normally, to my knowledge, an epilogue is supposed to be used for a scene that’s narratively distinct from the bulk of the book — a post-plot time skip to show how people are, a jump to something else to set up for another book, that kind of thing. It shouldn’t flow cleanly and directly from the previous scene (inasmuch as anything flows cleanly and directly in these horrid little piles of words and paper).

    Obviously, instead, Meyer saw that a lot of other books have epilogues, and therefore decided that she’d just name her final chapter the epilogue, without understanding the real purpose of one. Simply because others use them, too, so they make her trash look more like real books.

    • Bendemolena Says:

      She likes to flaunt the fact that she was an English major, but never talks about how well she did in college. Maybe there’s a reason for this.

  7. Nothing sums up the entire series better than this: “That was a… well, it was a collection of words on pages.”

    <3 <3 <3

  8. triforcel Says:

    What a minute. How is Edward reading Jacob’s mind? Is there some overly contrived loophole for his bypassing the werewolf immunity thing that I missed/forgot due to lack of interest or is it another glaring plot hole? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • smeyer wanted it to happen. Ergo, it happened. Standard Mary-Sue writer logic.

      In some cases, you get an explanation, either directly or by asking. In smeyer’s case… you get deus ex ego. I’d say “machina” but you’d have to show me one part of the story that actually goes anywhere.

    • No no, it’s just ALICE that can’t see/deal with werewolves. This is explained later as “Alice never saw a werewolf when she was human so she can’t see them in her visions now.”


      • triforcel Says:

        Oh. Okay, that makes… no sense whatsoever.

        I want to say something witty, but trying to think about what deranged and twisted mind would see this as logical is making my brain melt.

      • M. Fruvus Says:

        So if Edward can read Jacob’s mind, he must have seen a werewolf before he was changed, right? OH WAIT that’s assuming the series stuck to any rules.

      • So… if I wanted to hide someone from the influence of one of these crazy vampires… all I have to do is carry a kangaroo rat around everywhere as a pet? I mean, they can’t have seen the kangaroo rat, unless they went to Australia before they died or something…

        That’s… just… stupid.

      • it’s explained as, Alice WAS a human, so she sees them a little. but she IS a vampire, so she sees them really well. which is also how they get around the “half-vampire” baby.

        it all really just sounds like someone pointed these things out to her, so she threw together some random excuses to explain things that really make no sense.

  9. God. How did you stay awake reading New Moon?

  10. Erika Danger McHamperson Says:


    • Going off of your reference to “Moulin Rouge,” at least that movie had a plot and a bit more sense (and action! and romance!)… too bad Bella doesn’t die at the end of this. Then again, she wouldn’t be mourned like Satine was since a majority of the people would probably be dancing in the friggin’ streets.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        (You forgot sex! …Which is why I never got around to seeing the movie. But I know a bit about it.)

        The difference here is that the possessive guy is portrayed as the villain, not the hero! (Unless I’m very much mistaken…)

      • soranomukou Says:

        Moulin Rouge is a great film, but the Duke reminded me of Edward.

  11. What? No Discussion Questions at the end of this book to tickle our brains… with a rusty hook?

  12. Epilogues are supposed to be at the end of a series. The END of the STORY. And it’s to sum up the rest of the characters lives.

    “And then Jane and John got married. They had two kids, James and Judy. Unfortunately for the happy family, they got in a car accident that disfigured them all horribly, leaving them unidentifiable. Luckily for them, the system had a tendency to name mystery bodies Jane, John, James, and Judy Doe. So they were all right. The end.”

    So her epilogues are NOT epilogues. And her editor should know that. And be shot. Because, really, the end of Breaking Dawn doesn’t even have a real epilogue. It’s got another fake one. So don’t even get a smidgen of an idea that it might. No.

    Btw, I love you. You made me realize what Twilight actually is. I was a twilighter. Now I hate myself for owning them all.

    • Welcome to the light. The first step is to give up hating yourself, because you were smart enough to change. :)

      • Allison Says:

        I’m still reeling from the fact that I was stupid enough to fall for it at all. And worried about my friend who is “totes” obsessed with Eddy-weddy and gets mad at me when I call him obsessive and controlling. And she’s a psychiatrist!! D:

  13. So I’m yet another lurker poking my nose out to say hi and let you know how much I enjoy these recaps. I’ve read three of the Twilight books, and I have to admit I liked them. They were hilarious! And then I remembered that people read them seriously. These recaps are much more interesting to read than the books themselves! I know I’m skipping ahead a book, but I have to say I’m really looking forward to reading your take on Breaking Dawn.

    I kind of love the way Jacob gets his love story loose end tied off. With the desperate need for a happy ending, however contrived, it reminds me of something I would have come up with when I was about ten. All it needs is a unicorn – but that might sparkle more than Edward, and we all know that wouldn’t be okay.

  14. I can’t wait for you to get to Breaking Dawn

  15. The part about imprinting on Bella’s eggs made me laugh out loud, as well as cringe. Truth is, I had never actually thought of that as the reason for Jacob’s infatuation with Bella, and now that I think about it…ewwwwww.

    I don’t even know how Edward was able to impregnate her. I know Smeyer offered some half-ass explanation as to why Edward was able to knock her up, which Carlisle and Edward discuss, but if I recall that scene is from Bella’s point of view, and she STOPS LISTENING HALF-WAY THROUGH. UGH. I hope I never ever EVER become as lazy a writer as her.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      On the contrary, she’s not lazy! Sure, she can’t be bothered to research anything, but she summoned up enough effort to TRY to explain stuff when enough people asked, instead of doing what everyone else does and say “… Uh… Magic…”

      • I think I would have liked it better if she had just played the magic card. At least then I wouldn’t have to pull my hair out every time she tried to explain how vamp venom and chromosomes work. Looks like SOMEBODY didn’t pass high school biology.

  16. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    … I don’t see why you didn’t do what William Goldman did for Chapter 4 in The Princess Bride.

    • That treatment would be well applied to the entire series. “What with one thing and another, 4 sparkly books passed…And nothing happened.”

  17. Wow… Just, wow… Am I the only one that thought the image of Edward standing in front of Bella “protecting” her seemed a lot like what the security does during cat fights on Jerry Springer? You know, where they cross their arms after a fight, standing in front of the people involved? Maybe it was just me. Though, most of those people’s stories on there are more original than Twilight.

  18. Rebekah Says:

    God I love these recaps.

    All I can think about with Twatlighters is the 12-year-old I baby sat. No fear though, she got a copy of Dracula for X-mas. ;)

    Should we try this technique with the others? Give them GOOD vampire books? If they really think the Edward-Bella relationship is romantic they will just adore the Count.

  19. So, something I’ve been wondering for a while now: If Edward’s saliva is venom then wouldn’t Bella get infected when they kiss? I mean, it’s the saliva its self, he doesn’t have teeth that inject it, right? And even if it’s closed mouth uber-chaste kissing, you know, the type that’s just SO common among teenagers, things can still spread. Not to mention the high likelihood that our ever so graceful “heroine” fails to chew her food without biting her mouth and leading to open wounds. Perfect little venom gateways. Seriously, anyone know why she doesn’t get a mouthful of venom when they kiss? At the very least it should taste horrible, maybe like gargling with axe body spray.

  20. Her SPAWN? Jacob gets her spawn? Oh, ewwww… I’ve read the “Duuude, your mom was so hot! I wish your dad hadn’t won the pissing contest. …oh well, I guess you’ll do” plotline and it was recognized as being extremely creepy. I’m guessing here it isn’t. That is disgusting.

  21. So Jacob not only gets manipulated and used by Bella, but in the end is going to be getting together with her child? Someone not even born when he reached maturity? Someone he’ll probably see from around birth? Someone whose mother he had the hots for and “dated” for a while?

    And I didn’t think this could get any more twisted.

  22. “I wonder if he’ll start impressing on one of Edward’s sperm cells later.” LOL

  23. Horrible review of the book. Seemed all through the books she hated Bella and thats bull. Reviews should be written in a unbiased point of view. Harry potter was better,I admit but that said twilights wasn’t that bad.

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