Our thoughts are with you, Mr. Pattinson

We interrupt your irregularly scheduled recaps to bring you this heartbreaking story.

On Thursday the 18th, Robert Pattinson (also known as “EDWAAAARRRRD OMG IT’S EDWARD!!!!!!111!! ♥♥♥♥”), was forced to make a terrible decision.

A horde of Twilight fans, or oncoming traffic?

As someone who hates the Twilight Saga with almost as much eloquence as the much-chagrined Mr. Pattinson, my heart goes out to him. I think we all would have made the same choice.

97 Responses to “Our thoughts are with you, Mr. Pattinson”

  1. Mirthstrike Says:

    I think he was actually trying to lure the twitards into traffic. He needs to work on his timing a bit.

  2. Christina Says:

    Holy crap.
    Thank gods he’s okay.
    But…I have to admit, hahahahaha, I’d have jumped in front of traffic, too. And I would have been screaming “OHGOD, JUST TAKE ME!”

    • yeah I would’ve waited for a semi, not a NYC taxi, i mean those guys have ninja skills with swerving around obstacles.

      • In Smeyer’s world, this could be explained by them all being vampires and their vampower being superfast braking feet. No, srslyyouguise that’s a legit vampire power! And they sparkle, come on!

  3. Okay, I know that this had pretty much nothing to do with your post(it does have Twilight characters getting hit by traffic though so maybe), but I have to share this with you all:

    This was the most hillarious things I have seen all day

  4. I must ask this, but what are fangirls thinking (and I use the term loosely) when they chase their target celebrity?
    “If I run him down and crush him underfoot, all the while shrieking like a banshee on helium, he’s BOUND to instantly fall in love with me!!!!OMG!!!1!”

  5. Crazy fans. Ow. Ow.

    Can’t they leave the poor guy alone? At least he wasn’t hurt badly, but getting clipped in the hip hurts.

    Let’s hope they’ll let off a bit.

    • “Let’s hope they’ll let off a bit.”

      BAHAHAHAHAHA– oh, you’re serious. That’s even more amusing! Really, since when did this world become one where jabbering lunatic fans DIDN’T take an opportunity to harass the target of their obsession? If the guy was stuck in a hospital, they’d have to put armed guards with automatic rifles on his door to keep the mob away — and I don’t mean through intimidation, but through cutting down each rank as it approaches. It’s like a zombie movie.

      • Allycat Says:

        Oh mother goddess Nerrin, I just had the funniest image in my head. If anyone reads the webcomic Something Positive all I have to say is cat girls….

      • No, it’s called “wishful thinking,” basically. I do hope they’ll let off a bit. I don’t actually believe it.

        I am, however, not nearly as cynical as all that. I hope, basically, that these are the crazies, not the whole lot.

        Then again… groupies… It might not matter all that much. A teensy bit of concentrated crazy can still run you over and kill you. Better get out the pepper spray.

  6. OMGYOUGUISE hang on! There was a serious and deep motive for these screamng brainless girls to chase the object of their obsession into traffic.
    Edward eventually killed Bella because he lurved her. These gurls are trying to kill RPattz for the same reason – THEY LOVE HIM! THEY’RE ONLY HURTING HIM BECAUSE THEY LOVE HIM, OK???

    • Sounds like they’re just living the underlying theme of all the Twilight books!

      “He didn’t mean to hurt me, HE LOVES ME, I SWEAR he loves me, it was an accident! He didn’t mean to throw me into the table full of glass thins that break easily and tore a new gash in my arm! AGAIN!”

      • “They only hurt him because they love him just sooooooooo much!”

        How much do you want to bet that he starts using the “fell down the stairs” excuse?

  7. lmfao.

    “You see what you did, you almost killed him!”

    classic. i feel bad for the guy. it’s not his fault that he is being stalked by insane preteens and their lonely cougar mothers.

  8. The Poll on that website is hilarious.
    “Which fan group is the most hardcore?”
    Twilight Fans 65%
    Harry Potter 10%
    Trekkies 25%

    Obviously, some people have never heard of Star Trek conventions.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Oh gosh, the Trekkies.

      “Get out of here, idiot. The stripe on your costume is yellow– CLEARLY it is supposed to be GOLDENROD.” *Banish*

      Personally my vote was for the Harry Potter fans. The have their own genres of music and literature now. And, you know, Harry Potter was actually GOOD.

      • Bad_Wolf Says:

        I’m sorry, and I know this is way off topic, but did you just call Harry Potter good? It’s an entire story about “the boy who lived”. Why don’t we get the story about the boy who can do something besides watch as all of the much more qualified and interesting characters die around him?

        Harry Potter was, by no means, as bad as twilight is in that it had a plot and story that were, in part, logical; but this fails to excuse the overwhelming theme of his Bella-esk helplessness.

        If it seems as though I’m attacking you personally please forgive the offence. My attempt was simply to shine light to the fact that Harry Potter was the reason literary drivel like twilight is now aloud to exist.

      • Moonshade Says:

        No, I don’t take your taste in books as an offense.

        I do think that Harry was rather helpless, but the more I look at it, the more ‘protagonists’ are. Luke Skywalker was just some kid lucky enough to hide behind more kickass characters, and the same goes for Frodo (even at the end, he couldn’t have made it to Mount Doom without Sam– his GARDENER– picking him up and carrying him halfway there).

        I agree, Harry is for his part whiny and lackluster, but at least he has a personality, and the characters he is surrounded with are interesting and creative. The books themselves were well written: they had good pacing, cleverly hidden foreshadowing throughout the series, intricate subplots, and stuff that actually HAPPENED throughout the books– heck, HP is the literary bible compared to Twilight. As far as I’m concerned, the Harry Potter series is more about Dumbledore, Snape and Voldemort– they were the ones pulling all the strings in the end, and all the wall-banging questions (“why does EVERYTHING that ever happens have to be about Harry?!?!?”) are answered simply by observing the fact that Dumbledore deliberately set him up to be a pawn in his personal Armageddon.

        Maybe it’s just plain impossible to write a book with the main character as the most interesting. You have to make them too ‘likable’ and thereby ruin them.

      • Trekkies may be weird, but when is the last time you heard of any Star Trek actors getting stalked?

    • i miss the Star Trek Experience hardcore. it was fucking fantastic to sit around Quark’s after the convention closed for the day, and watch the hardcore glasses-pushing snuffling nerds get chased off with each warp core breach consumed. (i think few things are more entertaining than drunk Klingons!)

      • I regret that I will never get to try a Warp Core Breach. :(

      • rumour has it the mayor of Vegas is trying to re-open the Experience… so you may yet! I’m not gonna get too excited yet, but, apparently he’s a huge Star Trek fan.

        if all else fails, I do have a recipe for it, and the official glass bowl. not the same, though, when it’s not at Quark’s.

    • Nadramon Says:

      I’ve heard that some people actually get HIT because they think Twilight is “not so good” in some cases… Please tell me Trekkies never did that. O_O

      • Moonshade Says:

        Not as far as I’m aware. Generally they assume non-Trekkies are just unwashed heathens who lack the refined taste and intellect necessary to enjoy the show.

        Now, people who prefer Picard over Kirk, or vice versa… they’re in trouble.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        What? But Patrick Steward is a much better actor than William Shatner! He. Does not. Talk. Like. This.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Oh yes, I agree a hundred fold. PS is an incredibly talented actor, and I pretty much adore him to death.

        William Shatner… well… not so much. He seems to have a good sense of humor, though.

  9. Aw poor RPattz little did he know what he was signing up for when he decided to read the Twilight script. :D

    • Moonshade Says:

      What? Did he somehow miss the rabid fangirls hovering around the Twilight displays at all the local bookstores? Did he never go online? Did he not go to high school over the course of the last four years?

      And did he somehow think that this fanaticism WOULDN’T translate into movie-verse?

      • Probably not. A job is a job, and Mr. Pattinson probably likes getting paid as much as anyone else does.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Oh, naturally.

        The thing is that he should have thought to hire bodyguards, or invest in a german shepherd, or something. Or travel the world in a mask.

      • In one interview he was talking about how he ran out of money for alcohol so he had to start looking for a job.
        and twilight popped up. so he tried for and got it.

        i bet now he’s wishing he’d just sobered up.

        • Okay, to be fair, Twilight is an American-started phenomenon. RPats is an English actor. I’m English too, and I pretty much never even heard of Twilight until the promo for the film came out. So yeah. It was pretty possible he didn’t know how big it was. XD

  10. Pixie_a_la_mode Says:

    I told my fiancee of R.Patz getting hit by a car and my fiancee replied “And he didn’t stop it?” It may be in bad taste but we laughed for a good hour after that.

  11. Softspoken Says:

    This may seem unrelated, but I assure you, it is. Does anyone read the comic MegaTokyo? Because… At the end of that article, a group is mentioned as banding together, across the internet, as fans, to protect Robert Patterson. Note that these fans may also be crazy obsessive, but a little more aware about it.
    In MegaTokyo, a similar thing happens, but it escalates basically into an unwanted mafia / bodyguard group protecting a voice actress from the unwashed otaku masses. Normally this is only possible because 1: It’s a comic and 2: It’s Japan.

    It’s now happening in life, in the USA.

    You may all panic now.

    • Hmmm, Megatokyo.

      Let me just put it this way–if Smeyer hadn’t come along, Fred “Piro” Gallagher would have been my public enemy no. 1

      Friends were reluctant to bring me to cons on account of their concern that I would be thrown out, bodily, after slugging “Piro” in the face.

      • I would pay for you to go to a con to see that. preferably on film so i watch it later in slo-mo.

      • Softspoken Says:

        Ah. Sorry I brought it up then.

      • My hatred for Megatokyo comes as a surprise to many. Don’t feel bad or anything, it’s not your fault Piro sucks lol

      • Huh o.o I got sick of that comic, but now I’m wondering what your reasons might be. Not that I’d expect you to say here, but…

        *snickers at the image you just left* We really need to get a speed camera if you ever do that.

  12. soranomukou Says:

    i think it just made it onto the srs bzns list

  13. Perhaps we should celebrate Edtards nimble reflexes with a recap?

  14. Mistress Dizzy Says:

    …My god. You can’t make this stuff up, can you? I feel sorry for the guy, myself.

    …Also, what’s with these chicks? He’s not even hot! He’s got caterpillar brows! Now, Christian Bale, there’s a man worth chasing into a taxi. He’s the g*****m Batman after all.

  15. Fantasystar101 Says:

    these fans seriously need to get laid


    • Moonshade Says:

      They don’t wanna. Not unless it’s with Edward.

      Thus the problem.

      • And even then not until after he’s drained all the blood from their bodies. They’re not sure they’re ready for sex yet, but exsanguination? Hell, that’s kid stuff.

      • On the plus side, at least they won’t breed.

      • Fantasystar101 Says:

        it would be funny if Edward forgot to turn some of the fans into vampires when they’re giving birth.

        I’d film that

  16. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    If Rob ever decides to get a girlfriend and get married, that girl is going to have serious problems… Unless he finds said girlfriend/wife after the Twilight craze has subsided. I mean, it’s bound to someday, right?

    • He got a girlfriend, apparently…

      • Moonshade Says:

        Oddly enough, it’s Bella’s actress (whose name I don’t recall). At least, that’s what’s on the cover of the tabloids at the grocery store.

        Standing in line at the cash register is like walking through an alley full of Twilight sequel covers.

      • @Moonshade: Yeah. Frightening, isn’t it? I never touch those things, but avoiding seeing the covers is impossible.

        This world is scaring me. Make the stupid stop?

      • based on the tabloids that i read when i get bored at work, he and kristen stewart act like there’s something going on, but there really isn’t. he’s been hanging out with this girl from whatever movie he’s currently working on, and she’s been seen cuddling with some British actor or comedian or something.

        just to clear everything up. i think i need a new job. this one seems to be killing my brain cells.

  17. Rachel H. Says:

    There are no words. I am absolutely flabbergasted at the stupidity of these poor deluded 14 year old girls… I was on a plane last week and I saw a horde of them clutching “Eclipse” books and their loud conversation consisted of “omgedwardrpattzILOVEHIMteeheee”

    Poor Robert. He needs to walk around in a ski mask to protect his identity.

  18. CrazyFishie Says:

    I feel for RPattz. But he made the right choice

    Personally, I don’t find anything sexy about hi mas Edward. He looks like a crack addict. I thoguht he was kinda cute as Cedric though :D

    I once wondered whether or not he and Kristen Stewart were ‘dating’ to up the sails of magazines since Twitards are so easily drawn in XD

  19. Saw this and thought of you — Buffy vs. Edward Cullen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

  20. Katie Cole Says:

    I already posted this on Toon’s comment but everyone should watch this-


  21. Have you seen Buffy vs Edward? http://blip.tv/file/2261825/

    :’D I love it so much. And I’m not really much of a Buffy fan. :giggle:

  22. This is freakin` sad………I mean come on, running the guy into traffic?! And the worst part is Smeyer isn`t even going to give a damn…

    • Yeah, but that’s probably because Smeyer seems to be a crazed fangirl of her own books. It wouldn’t have surprised me a bit if she had been part of that group that chased poor RPattz down. :X

    • Softspoken Says:

      Well really, how much can SMeyer do to convince her fans that it’s fiction beyond saying “IT’S FICTION.” Hold the writer responsible for the writing, not for the fandumb.

  23. I have a theory, guys.

    Patterson purposely ran into traffic to prove that, in fact, he is not a freaking vampire.

    That petition says it probably didn’t work.

  24. “Unhurt”? Oh, snap. I was hoping him to enter in a 20-year coma so we wouldn’t need to fear another awful Twilight movie.

    No, seriously. Robert is a terrible actor.

  25. “Unhurt”? Oh, snap. I was hoping him to enter a 20-year coma so we wouldn’t have to worry about another awful Twilight movie.

    Seriously, people. Robert is a terrible actor, acting in a even more terrible series, than what you expect me to say? Also, he was totally lame as Cedric.

    • Eh, say what you want about his acting, that’s personal preference. (I thought he made an awesome Cedric, but that’s me.) I just find the guy himself very lulzy and likable, if only because he’s as fed up with Twilight as we are.

    • You have to at least give him credit for not riding on his Twilight fame and letting that define his career.

      He’s got Little Ashes, where he plays Salvador Dali, How to Be, which is a British comedy, and he’s filming two other movies between acting for the Twilight films, a drama and a western.

  26. Can we stop using 14 year old girls as a reference for his crazed fans? I’m 14, and I happen to have more than a teaspoon of common sense. Though, it may just be a genetic miracle. Anyways, I feel for the dude. Though, he had to know what he was getting himself into. It’s been going on for years! It’s bad. And scary how all the girls (and a few guys) FREAK when they hear the name “Rob Pattinson”. I know a couple of girls who have pasted pics of him and the rest of the cast ONTO THEIR BINDERS. Oh. My. God. What is the world coming to?!?

    • Sorry, you’re right, it’s a bit insulting to other 14 year olds, isn’t it? lol

      The sad fact is that 13-16 is the age range these books are aimed at, so the majority of the fans fall into the category.

      I could switch it up to 40 year olds, though. Twimoms… ugh.

    • Moonshade Says:

      I’m sorry. I discriminate against fourteen year olds. Mostly because when you read a REALLY bad fanfiction, and then look at the author’s page, they’re almost always advertising their age, and it’s almost always fourteen.

      Of course, they’re often also including their real name, home address, phone number, and picture, so you know… Maybe this only applies to the slightly psychotic ones.

      • It’s only the slightly psychotic ones, I promise. And I know of only a couple of teens that can write well, let alone 14 year olds. And the same psychotic ones on fanfiction are most likely the ones that forced Robert Pattinson into the street and, consequentially, into a car.

  27. Yes, it is insulting… But now you know :) sad thing is, most 14 year olds or so ARE like that. I’m just glad I jumped boat when I did! Saved myself from the horror that is sure to be the New Moon movie. Of course, I’m totally shelling out the 8 bucks to watch it in the cinema. Just to poke fun. And twimoms could work as well. Or twi-teachers. So, so sad.

    • Twiteachers terrify me. This stuff should not be taught.

      I will switch it up to “insane 40-year-old fans”–just for you! I’m looking out for the youth of America.

  28. Oh man poor guy. My sister saw a video and said it was funny but poor guy. Oh your recaps are awesome I’m getting my friend who can’t decide if she likes or hates twilight to read this. Thanks for suffering and reading these books.

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