Formal apology and retraction

I would like to issue a formal apology and retract my statement in the previous entry,

Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

Pringles are actually quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. They also come in a handy, inobtrusive package, which can double as a tennis ball holder.

Edward Cullen, on the other hand, is flat, boring, and will not hold your balls for you.

I hope Procter & Gamble will forgive my attempts at humor at the expense of their tasty snack food.

47 Responses to “Formal apology and retraction”

  1. Well, the package is like a raccoon trap really.

    And I could say something else about Edward holding things, but I won’t.

    • Don’t worry. We’re all thinking it, anyway ;)

    • OMG! It’s TRUE! I went camping about seven years ago and the raccoons got into the food overnight, including the Pringles my friends and I had brought along. Wait, no, they tried to open all the Pringles cans except the plain! Who knew coons were MSG addicts? :O

  2. Thanks for this. It really isn’t fair to the poor Pringle cans.

  3. I would like to argue the point that Edward MIGHT hold your balls for you…if you ask him nicely.

  4. kaotik4266 Says:

    This made me laugh so hard! Thank you for lightening up a day with three major tests in it! XD

  5. “Edward Cullen, on the other hand, is flat, boring, and will not hold your balls for you.”

    I’m trying to think of something witty to compare him to, and all I’m getting is “jockstrap with worn-out elastic.” Fitting, in its own way.

  6. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Indeed! How dare you call Pringle cans flat! They are cylindrical at the very least!

  7. I just imagined what it would be like if Edward was holding my balls.

    It\’s exactly like the time someone put ice down the front of my pants while I was taking a nap on the couch.

  8. Thank you for the formal apology and I am sure everyone else is thankful too. When I read your statement I couldn’t help but think to myself “but, I like Pringles…..” Now saying he has the personality of really stale popcorn is much less offensive :)

  9. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    I – I think this is the best post EVER.

  10. I believe this will give you plenty to rant about especially her “research” comments. :)

  11. And you forget, Pringles are delicious!

  12. forsakentale Says:

    Oh, how I missed your snark ♥
    Please don’t leave us again

    I used to like this stuff. This story is like someone taking all of the really weird traits in twilight characters, and over exaggerating them (like they need to be). And then putting them into therapy. It’s hilarious!

  14. Wow…. I always thought ed really liked to hold people balls for them…. I must have been confusing him with the pringles all along. Maybe thats why every one thinks he is soooo yummy.

  15. I was thinking.

    What do park rangers and hunters think when they come across the rotting corpses or dead mountain lions and grizzly bears, drained of their blood?

    • That’s a damn good question. Honestly I couldn’t even begin to answer it, hell Smeyer probably couldn’t either, she would probably come up with something lame like “they bury them”

    • Especially since this “forest” that Smeyer talks about is Olympic National Park. Which means that there is no hunting. Which means that any animals (especially highly endangered ones like bears) found dead of unnatural causes would be investigated. It also means that a lot of animals would be tagged and tracked, so park rangers would know immediately that something’s up as soon as the trend in population takes a dive.

      Of course, Smeyer didn’t research the forest outside of finding pretty pictures of the Hoh Rain Forest and deciding it was just such a lovely place–ignoring the fact that it is also part of a protected national park (and that you have to pay to get in).

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        Shhhhh. Don’t break our chain of willful suspension of disbelief.

      • Softspoken Says:

        That chain could be forged of nara/adamantium/orihalcum/unobtanium and it would shatter into shards bearing an unspeakable evil after reading this book.

        Points for whoever identifies the source I used for nara.

  16. Pauline Says:

    Best. Post. Ever.
    Thanks for brightening up my day.
    You’re my hero, Rachel :D

  17. Nadramon Says:

    I bet even the “perfect” Cullens need Pringles boxes to carry their baseballs. Maybe they eat sparkly, blood flavored Pringles too? (With different flavors, of course: bear blood, lion blood, tiger blood etc… They should make Bella blood flavored Pringles.)

    Heck, the little mister with the mustache painted on the box has more personality than Edward Cullen. Awesome post, by the way, and glad to see you back. ^^

    • They probably have some kind of vampire pouch to keep things in.

      • As absurd and funny as that sounds it honestly wouldn’t surprise me in this series.

      • I have to let you know that I seriously just laughed my ass off at the phrase “vampire pouch”


      • Nadramon Says:

        That’d be HILARIOUS! XD They should carry their bats around their necks, too. (After all they’re immune to strangulation, right? Even though they do breath…)

      • that-one-person Says:

        haha this just made me imagine a bunch of sparkling, perfect vampires wearing fanny packs to put their baseballs in, looking up at the sky and frowning because it’s not raining…aww we gotta go put the fanny packs away…

  18. I just read all of your posts, back to back, to the exclusion of all other activity last night. I’ve never read Twilol, but I now have a much greater sympathy for my friends who did. And there I was, foolishly hoping that the movie was just terribad of its own accord.

    • Anundine Says:

      The pathetic thing is that the movie had more plot. And better grammar.

      • Most of Bella’s whining is internal, so that is gone.

        It also nixed constant descriptions of Edward’s physical perfection.

        I’m sure if you took all of that out, the book would take less time to read than the movie does to watch.

      • OMG SO TRUE.

        I keep telling people that the movie was better…. because they just didn’t have TIME for all the crap that Smeyer put in there.

  19. Ok, Made my day!!!

    Also, this webcomic, Fey Winds, was where I saw the link for this site originally. This page of hers made me laugh my ass off and think of the blog Rachel.

  20. payday loans without faxing…

    Very usefull. Thanks! payday+loans+without+faxing…

  21. thisbloghasgivenmeepiclulz Says:

    I did not take the time to read the 42 other responses and so the following is most likely completely unoriginal HOWEVER the above was exactly what was going through my mind when said comparison was made.
    You needed to know this ‘because’.
    Also I love you please have my children because your womb would infuse them with a much better sense of humour than my own, also when I first came across twilight as a 14 year old I enjoyed it and I do not want to risk any offspring of mine to the same fate.
    Keep up the hilarious work !

  22. I’m very glad to see this, since my immediate reaction to the sentence in question was “Haha! Brilliant! Though a bit harsh on pringles.”

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