Chapter Twenty-Four

Lukas texted me at work today to say “I can’t tell if you are kidding about the Twilight thing.”

What part was most believable, you guys? Mormon vampire divorce, or Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?

Chapter twenty-four is, arguably, the last chapter in this horrible book. I say “arguably” because again, for some reason, there is an epilogue, instead of… I don’t know… a chapter twenty-five.

I’m sorry to get your hopes up, but Edward does not get staked at this point in the series.

Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.

Wait, I’m sorry. According to a commenter from a few weeks ago, she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it, even though we’ve never heard anything that at all corroborates the apparently fan-held fact that Bella sucks at driving. Edward is really very chivalrous, and I’m sorry for thinking he’s a controlling dirtbag with the personality of a can of Pringles.

While they’re piggy-backing it, Bella explains to Edward that she has no problem trusting him–trusting that he won’t leave again–but she doesn’t trust herself to not drive him away, because she is oh so tragic and boring at the same time. Yep, remember, it’s all her fault. She then tells him that she doesn’t fear the Volturi as much as him, because all the silly Volturi can do is kill her. Edward can leave her, and there’s just nothing compared to that.

When Edward looks appropriately horrified, Bella complains that he shouldn’t be sad. Uh, what? You just said that him leaving you was worse than dying. Ohh no, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that! Sorry, pumpkin!

“So–since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

Haha, yeah! Remember that one time? He totally stole her things? That was hilarious!

“Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets–they’re all under your floorboards.”

Okay, first of all, Edward knew it was wrong to not theft her things. It was stupid and childish to not steal from her. What? Second, couldn’t he just do what a normal guy does and give her a freaking t-shirt or something? No, he’s just going to pack away her belongings, like some kind of blood-sucking squirrel.

Bella suddenly decides that she knew the whole time. That some part of her, deep down inside, knew that Edward still cared about her. Gee, where was that Bella for the 400+ pages of mind-numbing sobbing and whining? (Sorry, I mean, gosh Bella, you’re so brave and strong.)

This is her given reason for why she hears voices.

Not joking! She tells Edward that she knew, all along, that he still loved her, and so she heard his voice in her head when she attempted to kill herself uh did things that were like so totally reckless and dangerous.

She just knows this has to be the case, too. Her words bring her a “sense of conviction” and “rightness.” Yes, folks. Bella hearing voices is not a manpire power, nor is it because she is textbook schizophrenic or even pants-on-head retarded.

Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.

It’s because she knew ~*Edward still loved her*~

Oh. My. God.

Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him. Oh, I have no idea how she managed the 16 years before. Apparently all Ed did was curl up into the foetal position, rock back and forth, and chant “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” If this is true, then, yeah, I guess Bella is a Real American God Damn Hero. All she had to do was pass out in the woods, wake up four months later, and start bitching about the hole in her chest.

They finally get to the FRIGGING HOUSE augh. The Cullens all sit around their dining table–why do they have a dining table? Nobody knows!–and Bella delivers her grand speech.

Which, essentially, is “omg can u make me a vmapire now? pllllzzzzz??”

I mean, sure, she brings up a good point–sometime in the future, Marcus is going to come down here and play Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon with everybody using his Magical Relationship Radar, and nobody wants that.  So Bella puts it to a vote. I still can’t decide if this makes sense or is absolutely retarded. The fate of her soul is being decided by democracy?

Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap, and since Bella is (as of this book) immune to vampires, he won’t be able to find her! Tadaaa. Forget all about how James could track her, Jasper could manipulate her emotions, Alice can see her in the future, and uh, Carlisle cares about her? As of New Moon, Bella is immune to vampire powers, okay, and no take-backsies.

Emmett, the bro vampire, thinks this is an excellent idea. Jasper agrees because he is a boy, and the girls disagree because they are soft women.

Anyway, the voting. Edward says no, duh. Everybody else says yes, except for Rosalie.

“I don’t mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”


I miss Rosalie the Bitch. Well, anyway, that means the vote is Yes, so Edward goes into the other room and breaks things. Not joookkinnng~ he marches off and we hear crashes from off-stage. Remember, ladies, if a man has a temper, it’s a good thing, because it means he is passionate about protecting you!

Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge, and Edward comes back into the room, screaming bloody murder.

He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” He shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

He’s so sweet and protective of her! Alice tries very politely to tell Bella that she’s not ready to just turn a woman to her side. She’s not up for that kind of commitment. Well, okay, then maybe Carlisle will do it! Bella’s sort of a slut, it seems.

Edward interjects at this point that they don’t have to turn her now. They can just wait a few years. Let him dangle it over her head. He can withhold it as punishment for later, when she insists on seeing her friends against his wishes. God forbid Bella actually get things her way for once in this series.

Er, anyway, Edward reminds Bella that she still has parents, and they will naturally come looking for her. He suggests that it would be less conspicuous if they just waited until Bella graduated from high school and moved out of Charlie’s house. Isn’t this just delaying the inevitable? Also, aren’t we expecting a bit much from Charlie to notice that his daughter has become a vampire?

Everyone agrees to wait until after graduation, and Edward carries Bella back home. He then attempts to bargain with her. Yeah, I know he just said “we’ll wait until graduation” but now he says he wants to her to wait five years instead.

“No way. Nineteen I’ll do. But I’m not going anywhere near twenty. If you’re staying in your teens forever, then so am I.”

It’s a good thing all these kids are apparently Mormon. When she’s supposed to be 21, she’s going to regret she ever said that.

Edward realizes that bargaining for time isn’t going to work, so he switches targets–they have to get married first.

Yes. Yes. You just read that right. They are waiting until marriage before they bite each other. It’ll be special that way. Your first bite is  always special. And once you’ve been bitten, you can’t go back to being unbitten! It’ll be more meaningful when it’s with your husband.

To make this even more hilarious, Bella–Miss True Eternal Love, dying without her beloved, cannot go a day without seeing his face, hallucinates when he’s not there, the model covert-Christian soulmate-lover herself–freaking panics at the idea of marrying him. She was prepared to spend eternity with her one true love. Taking his name and filing joint taxes though–that’s not a commitment she’s ready for.

Bella gives some watered-down excuse about how her parents got divorced, and then quickly switches gears to how her mother wouldn’t approve. Edward calls her on her BS, but smugly holds it over her head. If she wants him to bite her, then she has to do exactly what he says. Not at all creepy.

Edward makes some joke about rings and Bella shrieks. Charlie wakes up, Edward hides in the closet (like he’s been doing for the last two books HEYO). Charlie attempts to talk to Bella about how she’s in trouble for running off. He asks if she can’t give him one good reason to not ship her off to Jacksonville. She’s all “you can’t make me ptbbbbbbb.” Her explanation for what was going on is that Edward heard about her cliff diving and she had to go to L.A. to explain in person.

This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.

“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Fine,” I said curtly.

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“I am.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I meant, ‘Fine, I’ll move out.'”

As Dad looks about ready to have a heart attack, she starts cooing about how she doesn’t want to leave, but if he wants her to stay, he’s going to have to be nice to Edward. After all, he wants Bella to stay with him, right?


Poor abused Charlie is forced to “think about it” as Bella demands her privacy. Edward reappears and half-heartedly insists she not start anything with Charlie over him. She reluctantly agrees not to, and then…

“Besides…” I grinned. “If Charlie kicks me out, then there’s no need for a graduation deadline, is there?”

Good God! She’s learning! Oh my Lord, are we going to have two passive-aggressive manipulative sissies in this series?

Anyway, something about souls, yadda yadda, nobody gives a crap.


116 Responses to “Chapter Twenty-Four”

  1. Great stuff as always.

    • Moonshade Says:

      See, this is why I didn’t write “FIRST POST!!!” in mine. I knew somebody else was pouncing even faster.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        First post thingies are stupid anyway. (Partially because I never get them.)

      • You would not believe how many times a week I just read comments and hit f5 on this blog. I need it like Bella needs Edward!

  2. Moonshade Says:

    Yes. Bite=sex. It’s about the most anvilicious metaphor to ever be published. This is also why I’m thinking that while Edward subliminaly represents the uber Mormon, Bella is the non-member whom he must guide and protect and will eventually convert etc etc etc.

    Which reminds me oddly enough of at least a dozen seminary videos, only about a billion times more one-sided and sexist, and without the excuse of being stylized for the sake of making a point.

    Thank you, Smeyer, for your subtlety and lack of ability to separate yourself from your characters.

    • This is also why I’m thinking that while Edward subliminaly represents the uber Mormon, Bella is the non-member whom he must guide and protect and will eventually convert etc etc etc.

      Yesssssss I have been getting that vibe, too. It’s downright creepy. It’s interesting to see all the weird and subtle ways she managed to work her beliefs into a book that, on the surface, has absolutely nothing to do with them.

      • I wonder if all the screaming, obsessed fangirls would love it so much if they saw it for what it really was? I doubt it, but I think their brain cells are pretty much gone by now anyway. There’s just a bunch of sparkly mush there instead.

      • You guys have heard abou the vampire craze, right?

        Some pale kid thought he/she was a vampire and started biting people. This lead to kids starting to beat up anyone who had been bitten by him/her, along with all the other pale kids.

        The school had to send out a newsletter and say there were no vampires there.

      • in regards to what Amber said –
        the Narnia books were totally ruined for me as a kid when I was told they were just a metaphor for the Bible. D:

        (granted I can enjoy the series fine now, stand-alone, but as a child I was so disappointed.)

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      The only seminary video I can remember is this old one called Measure of a Man.

      “He called me chicken…that’s a bad word.”

      But yeah, that’s pretty much the same undertone I’m seeing here. I’m quite sure that if it wasn’t intentional, it was definitely subconscious. And still pathetic.

      • Moonshade Says:

        What’s scary is that I’m seeing some of my old naivete in Smeyer– I grew up in a very wealthy community (but I’m poor, alas), so everything bad that happened was swept under the rug. That, plus a religious community where ‘crap’ is considered strong language, makes for a rather unrealistic view of the universe.

        Thankfully, though, I moved to the almost-inner-city when I got married, and discovered that there is more to life than the cutesy, disney-fied world that I’ve been exposed to up until now.

        If Smeyer realizes that such a world actually exists, she probably still thinks that she’s not supposed to talk about it or include it in her writing. Because that would be *bad*.

  3. ROFL

    I can feel the hate coming off in waves. And it’s amazing. :D

  4. Moonshade Says:

    You know what’s awesome, though? I have a Twilight fan for a friend. And she’s the sane, sober variety.

    She acknowledges that Edwad is a psycho stalker, that Bella is a dependent imbecile, and that Charlie is a failed father. But that’s what she likes about it. She likes it for presenting the fog through which victims see their abusive relationships.

    And she hates the fact that the fans think it’s SOOOOOOOOO romantic.

    Aren’t anomalies wonderful?

    • She likes it for presenting the fog through which victims see their abusive relationships.

      That would be great if it had actually been written that way on purpose

      • That sounds brilliant. But the movies might not be able to show it same, i guess. So its turned into something romantic..

        • Also nobody calls bella out on her bullshit. Marcus can see how true her love is because of his “super power” of reading relationships. So it is presenting this as a true love. Sadly it seems its true love in the mind of stephenie Meyer. This book should be studies by psychologists.

  5. Dr. Pop Says:

    I read all 4 books because there was nothing around, I like to read and I wanted to know what the deal was. 4 books later, I just felt unclean. I think this blog does a great service to everybody who made my mistake; it’s like Twilight absolution.

  6. Softspoken Says:

    “And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was.”
    What. The. Crap. This seriously sounds like something you (Rachel) would say as a satirizing sum-up of Bella. And SMeyer put it in on purpose. Ick. How is someone who completely degrades themselves mentally a “strong heroine”?

    Also, putting everything under the floorboards? That’s still awful. That’s still taking her AWAY from her things.

    But I have to ask, has there been much discussion regarding vampires & damnation? Given that all previously established / common mythology for vampires is essentially SHOT OUT THE WINDOW WITH A BAZOOKA, there really might not be a Satan / Vampire link. So maybe her immortal soul is not really endangered by this possibility?

    • Edward believes vampires don’t have souls. Carlisle disagrees and thinks that if he’s a good person he can good-deed himself into Heaven.

      ….That’s about all the discussion we get. Edward doesn’t want to bite Bella on account of her soul. Their soul discussion at the end of this chapter is basically Bella commenting on how, when Edward found her in Italy and thought he was dead, he said “Carlisle was right!” so obvs he still believes that he has a soul.

      • this soul discussion sets up a more detailed one in eclipse while Edward gives more excuses as to why he won’t have sex with her until they’re married. other than he’s a Mormon, of course.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        or he can just do what Angel did and piss off some gypsies,or whatever…

        • Of course he can’t. Angel is a real vampire and person (and a damn sexy one, at that), Edward so would not be able to handle that much character.

  7. I went to Borders today, and I was flabbergasted by the fact that there are now Twilight TRADING CARDS OMG. First the board game, and now this.
    Utterly. Ridiculous.

    And those were right next to the T-shirt of vampire Edward looking oh so srs bisnis. I seriously hope there won’t be a video game of Twilight. I don’t exactly know what the point would be, but you never know.

  8. Edward has “the personality of a can of Pringles”. HA, be careful, you don’t want to offend the other “Pringle cans” out there!

    • Candice Says:

      honestly, i feel that comparing Edward to Pringles is unfair. i mean, Pringles are delicious! why insult yummy, pre-pakaged potato crisps by camparing them to someone with the personality of cardboard and an intellect rivaled only by garden tools?

      • True, I love Pringles, and they come in so many more flavors than just ‘Edward Flavor’. Though garden tools do prove useful, when was the last time you successully dug up weeds with an overly controlling, pretty-boy vampire? ;-)

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        I personally object to your comparison of Edward to garden tools! I know plenty of garden tools! While they admittedly are not enthusiastic debaters, they are most certainly dedicated listeners and very knowledgeable in the ways of maintaining my lovely little dirt patch out front! I believe that the only one who can possibly rival Mr. Edward Cullen in the area of intellect is Ms. Isabella Swan!

      • Garden tools? That settles it. Edward Cullen is a hoe.

  9. Remember kids, passive aggressive manipulation isn’t just the most fun way of getting your way with people, it’s the only way… in Mormon America!

    … Seriously, what the hell? The books are teaching kids to be slimeballs now? I mean, yes, at least Bella’s showing a tiny bit of backbone by doing this, but it’s the wrong way.

    This chapter makes no sense, although it reminds me far too much of how democracy actually works in small groups… particularly clubs. But the idea of a family acting like a club is pretty weird… and mildly creepy, for some reason. Is this seriously a Mormon thing?

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      My Mormon family blows up pumpkins and lights things on fire. And my mom is the boss around here. My dad pretty much does what she tells him to. They also got married in their thirties–which is, like, so old. After all, standard marrying age for a girl around here is like 18-19, and for a guy like 22-23.

      So there’s some (okay, quite a few) Mormon things going on here. Seriously. But my family doesn’t quite fit the bill apparently.

      • Softspoken Says:

        It’s not just your family that doesn’t seem to fit the bill. My parents did get married fairly young (My Mom wanted to get married fast, because she wanted to be a home mother) and there ARE six of us kids, but we don’t vote on major decisions. It was pretty much always my parents decision, and by the time the kids are big enough to really deserve a say in major decisions (for example: turning into a vampire) they’ve moved out, and get to make ALL their own decisions, regardless of what my parents think.

      • Moonshade Says:

        See, my family was the same way.

        Family voting actually sounds more like one of those things they teach you in a relationship/health class in school than anything particularly LDS.

      • Yay! Explodeing firey pumpkin balls of doom!!!! DOOM!!!!!

  10. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    This time it’s all full of rofl’s that I copied and pasted my own responses to your responses.

    “Edward carries Bella to his house, because–remember–she’s not allowed to drive anywhere.”

    Actually understandable considering the little cliff diving incident.

    “she is allowed to drive (which is very kind of Edward, to give her permission to drive her own car), it’s just that Edward is better at it”

    Oh yes. People who drive at 90 miles an hour are truly paragons of traffic laws. But I guess driving at 90 miles an hour and living is considered more sensible than driving oneself off a cliff just to hear voices.

    “Edward takes a moment to tell her how brave and strong (BRAVE AND STRONG!!!!!) she is for surviving without him.”

    In spite of talking about throwing herself off a cliff only a few minutes ago, he apparently promptly forgot.

    “Bella, being the font of reason and logic she is, turns to Alice and says “Okay, my room or yours?” Alice’s eyes get huge”

    …Was that really in the book? Direct quotation please!

    “This puts Charlie in a state, roaring about how Edward didn’t do crap for her when she was clinically depressed for almost a year, and, essentially, how he is a rotten kid. All true.”

    As if Charlie did anything either. Pfft.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      Direct quote about the “My room or yours?”:

      “Well, Alice,” I said when Esme released me. “Where do you want to do this?”
      Alice stared at me, her eyes widening with terror.

      • I suppose I could have just directly quoted and it would still be just as dirty LOL

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Well, she merely implies what “this” is.

        And Bella’s nonchalant question and Alice’s horrified response is perfect anyway, in and of itself. Makes you wonder if Alice is really thinking what the rest of us are thinking.

      • Wow.

        She needs a copy editor to look over her work, and check for things like this before they get to press. Otherwise, well, is she even aware how things can be taken when —

        Wait, scratch that.

        She needs more of this.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        It certainly wouldn’t surprise me if he left stuff like this on purpose. Indeed, he probably left all the “Alice just might be lesbian” stuff on purpose.

  11. Blood-sucking squirrel! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I love it! The band names keep on coming! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


    I haven’t read the rest yet, I just had to get that off my chest. *returns to reading*


    • that-one-person Says:

      I was wondering when someone was going to comment on that! I was going to if it wasn’t there already by the end of the page…

  12. @”I suppose I could have just directly quoted and it would still be just as dirty LOL”

    Twilight means never having to say you’re kidding ;)

  13. Aw man, I totally love Pringles! Guys, does this mean I have to like Edwardo now? That would make me way sad.

  14. Vampire Revenant Says:

    Thank you, for what is probably the best birthday present ever – an update! :D I ended up reading these because I wanted to know what the hype was about and I’ll gobble up pretty much anything with vampires in it since seeing the adaptations is quite an interesting experience at times…

    I may be lenient with many stories when the concept/story is good, but this sparkling pile of nothingness with a splash of eau du plot (Note: Contains no real Plot, though honestly toilet would be a good word in this case)? I was left with an odd feeling of displeasure at the end of Twilight, but kept going because since the books were supposed to be so great, I wondered if they got better as one went along. And then I made the mistake of not only reading the first three, but moving on to the fourth. (Please ignore the hysterical laughter at this point) Yea…not so great after all. And my freaking store manager LOVES THEM LIKE A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WOULD. Uuuuugh.

  15. “two passive-aggressive sissies.”
    I’ve discovered more of my college friends that are totally wanking and wetting their pants over this series–men, apparently, aren’t immune to the smeyer venom either.
    When will this madness end?!

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      Unfortunately, I can understand guys liking this series a lot more than I can understand girls doing so. But I think that’s just me.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Of course. The guy’s strong, handsome and all-knowing, and the girl submits to him unconditionally, all the while showering him with praises the likes of which gods are rarely privy to.

        To some guys, this is just short of porn.

  16. Oh my god, Charlie is a complete waste of dad skin.

  17. CrazyFishie Says:

    You had me worried for a second XD

    Thanks for the awesome review.

    And now, the holy scriptures of my theatres local rest room :D

    And the dumbshit decalred “Twilight is awesome and whoever doesn’t think so can go fuck themselves”

    To which the wiseman replied

    “Twilight sucks and I love to fuck myself”

    (Yes, someone actually wrote this stuff in a bathroom stall. The ‘wiseman’ made me laugh XD}

  18. i honestly can’t wait until you find out what Bella’s real vampire power is. unfortunately you have to read through another book and a half to get there. wow, that’s depressing.

    • Holy crap, that’s going to be the freaking BEST review EVER. I remember how hard I laughed at that part…

  19. forsakentale Says:

    Shame on you Edward, for cock-blocking Alice and Bella.

    • Nadramon Says:

      In that case should it be called “vagina-blocking”?

      Anyway, taking Bella’s personality (or lack thereof) into account, he was probably doing Alice a favor. Record it, people, Edward actually did a good deed!

  20. Forestwater Says:

    “Edward counters that the Volturi won’t be able to find Bella, because their resident tracker does it by reading brainwaves or some crap”

    The first thing I thought was: Great! No one in this book has those! It’s like they’re invisible!

  21. You know what, people? Do you know WHAT??
    I realize this may not be the best post to bring this up, but I just thought of it recently and need to get it off my chest.
    Edward should not have been able to “not steal” Bella’s things. He shouldn’t have been able to touch her goddam stuff at all. He should not have been able to WATCH her SLEEP for MONTHS without her knowledge.

    And do you know why? Because she NEVER INVITED HIM INSIDE HER HOUSE, let alone her bedroom! Vampires can’t come into your home unless you invite them. They. Can’t. They certainly can’t sneak ino your room and watch you have sex dreams about them.

    Even if he DID get in, there should have been consequences! He should have…died, or gotten sick, or something like this should have happened to him. Could he at least have mustereda classic SMeyer “I’m-a-vampire-doing-a-thing-a-vampire-shouldn’t-do” sparkle.

    But none of this happened. So there’s only two possible explanations. Either none of the books actually happened after that point OR Edward is not a freaking vampire.

    *Exhausted post-rant panting* Thank you.

    • He also isn’t compelled to count grains of rice when he sees them, he doesn’t avoid crosses, he seems to have a reflection, and he has no problem crossing running water.


      But I agree. The whole “must be invited in” thing is actually one of my favorite parts of vampire lore, used to such a brilliant extent in “BuffytVS”, lol.

      • You know what else drinks blood but follows no other vampire laws?


        And no, I do not think that this is a coincidence.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Mosquitoes too.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Ticks and mosquitoes do so as well. They’re also annoying, get in places any normal individual would very much not want them to be in, usually hang around water (mosquitoes do, anyway–and Washington is apparently flooded with as much water as SMeyer has rained on them in these books), they have as much emotion and personality as cardboard, and they bloody never die no matter how much you want them to.

        But if you spray on bug repellent than most of the time they leave you alone.

        Maybe we should spray repellent on Bella?

      • Leeches also sparkle in the sunlight though. Because they are covered with a layer of slime.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Ticks and mosquitoes do as well, if you dump sparkles on them. :D

      • Nadramon Says:

        I recall reading a vampire anthology once, and many of the stories didn’t even imply bloodsucking. The only abide trait was that each “vampire” was in some way a parasite, either drinking blood or sucking humans’ vitality. One specific character was a woman incapable of taking care of herself: whoever tried to help her ended up dying of exhaustion.

        In this regard, SMeyer actually managed to make a good version of vampires, even though she certainly never intended to. Long before turning her into a vampire, Edward literally sucked up Bella’s social life and willpower, turning her into a suicide-obsessed wreck.

        And that wreck is eventually turning into a vampire who’s going to turn other humans into wrecks in order to expand the wonderful Cullen family! 8D

      • Keyaroscuro Says:


        That…is actually really brilliant. If only she had actually meant it that way.

      • @Nadramon

        I actually had a similar conversation about Twilight with a friend. I realized that SMeyer had actually written some pretty brilliant characters, but only because she totally failed at producing the characters she WANTED. If she were a “good” writer, none of the characters would have turned out interesting at all, but she accidentally produced some characters that, if expanded upon, could be thoroughly fascinating. Alice, Carlisle, Rosalie, even Bella could all be brilliant and interesting characters if someone else looked at the books, picked up the characters that SMeyer made by accident, and wrote the books again, but with INTENT.

      • Nadramon Says:

        @Becky: Yeah, my literature teachers kept telling me how an author usually writes great and deep things without even realizing it. Too bad SMeyer never had the talent (or common sense) required to make those things actually good. Intended as an ideal love story, “Twilight” simply sucks.

        But that’s what fanfiction is for, right? ;) (Though I personally wouldn’t go through the trouble of reading “Twilight” for the sole sake of writing something better… Besides, bad writers who make good fanfiction material are easy to find. To each their own.)

    • She did no research, so not knowing anything about traditional vampire lore is just us wanting to smack sense into her over and over again at this point. Utterly ignorant writer.

      • Oh, I’m sure she did do research.
        About ten minutes
        On Wikipedia
        For the whole series.

        If she did any more than that, or on a more…erm…reputable lore site (casting no aspersions onto Wiki…it’s a good site to use as a starting point), I will eat my shoes. All of them.

    • When Stephenie created the Smeyerpire, she could have at least done a better job of cherry-picking their traits other than “No Heartbeat”, “Vampire Venom”, and “Drink Blood”.

      There are literally thousands of vampire myths out there. Almost every culture in the world has a myth that describes a vampire-like creature. No single trait is common to all of them. Stephenie actually admits this when she has Bella search the Internet.

      I don’t have a problem with authors altering myths, or creating new ones-when they do so competently. But this bullshit with just slapping something together and calling it a vampire doesn’t work.

      • How does the “venom” work? I mean, where is it? They don’t have fangs, is it just poison drool?

      • @allycat — I… I think so? In “Twilight” there are references to Ed’s “venom-coated teeth.” I think it’s just in their saliva?

        Apparently in “Breaking Dawn” Smeyer jumps through a lot of hoops to explain how the venom could possibly add chromosomes and make you sparkle and shit. The more I hear about this book, the more I already love it.

      • Allycat Says:

        Add chromosomes?!? Mutate I could understand but add? Wow. As an aside Poison Drool sounds like another good band name, will have to add that to the list. :)

      • If I recall correctly, the venom basically replaces every bodily fluid, except blood, which just slowly evaporates, I guess.

      • EVERY bodily fluid?

        She must have missed one.

      • If its the one that would send adolescents into fits of giggles, then, no, she didn’t forget it.

        That got replaced, too.

      • You’re kidding me, she…

        …Huh. You know what. I’m just going to have to wait and recap.

      • @Gordon – that’s a helluva douche!

      • Moonshade Says:

        And why a vampire, of all things? Because Americans are familiar with them? Because they’re considered sexy?

        Why not a Lamia? (Rosalie is obsessed enough with children)

        Why not an Incubus? (I can’t sex you because I’ll kill you)

        Why not any of about a billion other myths and legends? And why can’t she just make up her own if she’s going to deliberately disregard any pre-existing lore?

        Sorry. Rant. I love vampires, I really do. They’re my favorite monster. But Smeyer’s vampire craze (vamp-romance is its own section in all the local bookstores… ugh) is making me instantly loathe anything with a vampire on the cover.

      • Moonshade Says:

        @ Gordon.

        Yes, she did forget it. Either that, or she doesn’t know a thing about the basics of sex and STDs.

        Like the fact that the skin in that area is rather sensitive and tears easily, even in contact with other skin. It’s part of the reason you use lube. I’m betting it tears even easier when the ‘other skin’ happens to be MADE OF FREAKIN’ STONE.

        Bella should have been all but ripped apart in her nethers, which SHOULD have slowly and painfully turned her into a vampire after contact with the unmentionable fluids.

        And yes, I DID just call vampirism an STD.

      • @ Moonshade

        Considering the general attitude toward sex in the books, and what is commonly known about Mormon values regarding sex, are we really all that surprised that Smeyer is uninformed about it? Furthermore, given what we’ve seen, are we really surprised Smeyer is uninformed about anything?

        Did you notice the ONE TIME they have sex, Bella gets pregnant? And, as a direct cause of said pregnancy, is turned?

        A major recurring theme of the books is repression of sexual desires and that is punctuated with a depiction of the hazards of sex so horrifying Lovecraft would have been put off by it.

    • … I think I need to track down that movie now. “Let The Right One In” looks like it’s actually… good.

      And that’s the nastiest thing that could happen to a creature that needs to be invited in… no wall in the way, no bursting into flames… nope. Just that.

  22. I just noticed that this post has a TON of tags. I swear I think every “Bella is _____” tag is represented. Wow.

    I feel you can measure Rachel’s hatred of a chapter by the number of tags used. Check it out. This one must have been pretty hellish.

    • I had no idea people even read those things. I think they’re funny and that’s what counts, lol

      • My favourite tag is “some of my best friends are mormon,” followed closely by “I literally put the book down.” Those were the first two I ever clicked on to read all associated entries. It was a good choice.

        Srsly the tags are one of my favourite things about Vampirely.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      Lols I sort of noticed that. The more the chapters suck the more the tags. Hilarity ensues.

  23. And now that I have caught all the way up, I have something to say Rachel:


    Seriously, this entire series has made my work week go by so much faster. Ever since Twilight became popular (meaning, my little cousins wouldn’t stop talking about it) I had to see what it was about. A brief stint at some “awful” message boards lead me here, and I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. You may call them [Throw me off a] Cliff Notes, but I refer to them as MST[wilight]3K.

  24. “So–since you’re staying. ” <——– NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE

    this was one of those things i could not get over in the book. The woman has no concept of when to use periods versus when to use commas!!!!!!!

    • This probably wouldn’t bother me if it was any other writer, since it’s in dialogue and sometimes messing around with the punctuation is good for emphasis. But she does it so much and in such a godawful way that when you combine it with the sheer badness of her writing it is, yes, infuriating.

  25. Katie Cole Says:

    the tags are funny :D

  26. After you finish Breaking Dawn (or for anyone who has….)

    This was posted on

    Which I am pretty sure I got the link off of here somehow.

    Anywho, enjoy (for those of who who want to know…foul language ahead!)

    • That was the best thing ever. I laughed so hard I had to pause it, cuz I couldn’t breathe.

      “Stephenie has farted. In my face.”


  27. “Jasper insisting on being called Jasmine?”

    At first I thought that was the name of the pairing Jasper and Esme, I should not be reading this so late.,..

    Wait… what happened to the red head vamp? She’s no longer a threat somehow?

  28. YAY, i Yahtzee Croshaw referance! I think i love you even more <3

  29. that ‘i’ was definately trying to be a different vowel, namely ‘a’

  30. Caitlin Says:

    Pants on head retarded! ;D that makes me intensely happy. About to buy that shirt, actually. Zero Punctuation is the best.

  31. Granted bite=sex is one of the oldest vampire tropes there is, but the use of it in this chapter is still obviously stupid.

  32. alaskan-salmon Says:

    ha ha ha ha, edward the squirrel!
    that image is hilarious! i can’t stop laughing!
    reminds me of the photo crasher squirrel
    he he he!

  33. “Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine.”

    I do a fair bit of role-playing online, and I pride myself on being good at it. And on occasion, for more varied stories, I have played characters with mental problems, somehow messed up in the head.

    And I have to bow to Stephanie Meyer. Because I’ve never managed anything that masterfully bat-shit crazy.

    Honestly, that whole paragraph could so easily be read as the thought process of a complete psycho, the full-on shrine-in-the-bedroom type of delusional obsessive. And it wasn’t even meant that way? Wonderful.

  34. How dare you compare Edward to Pringles! That’s an insult to Pringles everywhere!

  35. our garden tools are always made by Stanley Tools because they are the best when it comes to quality and durability,-*

  36. Hahaha! Hilarious! I’m using Twilight in my BA, in order to investigate what a heroine can do (in the case of Bella, absolutely nothing, as it seems), and I wish that I could just post a link to this blog in the whole essay. I laughed so hard reading this, love it!

  37. hahaha i died reading this blog! the twilight series is alright, but i never liked bella. and this blog pretty much summed up my goddamn feelings for her. she’s always thinking crazy shit like “i’m seriously not selfish! i love edward! i’m going to do some life-threatening things to myself so i can hear his voice–even if it means leaving charlie alone, or having jessica follow me into a dark alleyway to kick it with some thugs!” i don’t understand how people can view bella as lovable. she’s a manipulative, self-centered cowardly bitch who likes to flirt with jacob and edward’s feelings because *sniffle* she loves them both, she really does and it hurts HER *sniffle*. bella should’ve gotten her ass handed to her in the first book.

  38. well, actually charlie was kind of a careless father. he loved her but didnt show it that much. he apparently stopped seeing her and barely contacted her for a while right? it was said he was all depressed by bella’s mother leaving him and became a hermit pretty much. so i think people kind of exagerate when they say bella loves her bf more than her dad and it’s sooo wrong- i mean eddiekins is always telling how perfect she is and how much he loves her, as well as the rest of the family. maybe im the only one but i felt bella didnt just want to be with edward but “belong”. in the last book, it’s apparently about how becoming a vampire was her “self actualization” and like it was a bit of a coming of age story not just the epic true love between her and edward. the books are still badly written(reminds you of fanfiction) and cheesy and in need of an editor but i dont think they’re as bad as people say.

  39. I’d like to think that the Edisodes she had was just the logical side of her brain (tired of being neglected and underused) trying to reverse psychology her into killing herself. If she truly knew (deep down) wouldn’t it make more sense to hear (Edpirely) when she wasn’t in any kind of danger? I mean, Bella is so full-on dependent of him it only seems she would do ANYTHING to see/hear him. (As desplayed in the book) Then again, the dumb twit has no sense of self-preservation…

    Carry on. My brain is merely imploding from trying to rationalize this crap.

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