My Conundrum

You may be wondering why the recap of the last chapter (and following epilogue) are so late in coming. Well, I have some heavy news to relate, and something to get off my chest.

The thing is, folks, that the final chapter and epilogue of New Moon are… well… they’re just so good. I never expected it. They wrap the book up–and even the loose ends of Twilight, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn (an interesting feat, given they hadn’t been written yet)–in such an utterly sublime way that I am completely at a loss for words. I’ve had to retract everything terrible I’ve ever said about the Twilight Saga, Stephenie Meyer, and all their wonderful Mormon fans. “Vote” of New Moon single-handedly saves the series. The love scene alone would have done it for me–who would have thought Emmett and Victoria were hiding such a torrid affair–but add in to it the shocker of Carlisle and Esme’s divorce, Jasper’s outing as a transexual, and Bella’s final understand of the Cosmic Truth–that all things are inherently vampire, and to become a vampire is to reach enlightenment–and we have something approaching literary masterpiece. And then, the finale! the brutal murder of Edward by multiple stake-wounds to the heart! Are there vampire hunters in this universe? I hope Eclipse will enlighten me!

The characters of Esme and Jasper–sorry, Jasmine–have grown a great deal in just the span of twenty pages. Esme as the tragic “traditional” woman, trapped for eternity in the age she was created in, and trying to find her way in the new century–simply brilliant. And Jasmine’s new-found sexuality, and the challenge in helping other vampires to understand her unique lifestyle choice… I’m just speechless at the sudden turn in quality of writing and plot here.

I’m not sure what to do, guys. The last chapter of New Moon has completely changed the way I think.

I don’t think I can keep this blog up anymore.

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54 Responses to “My Conundrum”

  1. Katie Cole Says:

    Is it April Fool’s? *looks at calendar*
    actually….I have no idea what day if the week it even is….wow.
    At least I know it’s July.
    Right?

  2. Nijimei Says:

    Oh my.
    Is it that bad, honey? I’ll have to read it myself then, to see what er, brought on this reaction.
    Here’s hoping my eyes don’t fall out…

  3. Whoa, almost got some on me there. *hands you a handkerchief*

    No rushing from me, but with this much to look forward to… the real disaster must be gripping. :p

  4. There is going to be an epic recap. I can just feel it!

  5. LOL i had to read up to “singlehandedly saves the series” a few times because I was SO shocked. Then I read the rest… and I almost reached for my copy (love scene between Emmett and Victoria? They didn’t divorce? wtf?) before cracking up hysterically at Jasmine’s announcement…

    You had me going for a while, good stuff… You’re already a better writer than SMeyer herself LOL

  6. Christina Says:

    D: Oi, I hope you will keep this blog up. If you don’t, well, that’s all fine and dandy.

    ATANYRATE!
    I was so confused when I read this at first. Especially the “The thing is, folks, that the final chapter and epilogue of New Moon are… well… they’re just so good.” In my head, I was thinking “…That just can’t be right.” XD I haven’t read any of the books (well, I read the first few chapters of Twilight and most of that was skimming and I never could pick it back up again) but I have read a ton of recaps. So, when I read this post, all that ran through my mind was “…I’m pretty sure none of that happened. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

    =O But, I look forward to more recapping (if you do decide to continue). <3

  7. I swear to god, you had me until about the word “sublime”.
    Rachel, I need your recaps. I need them like…a thing needs its important thing!

  8. Brooklin Says:

    You /almost/ got me. Almost. I sense something epic on the horizon…

  9. Squeakybell Says:

    This outpouring of sarcasm and BS gives me hope that this coming recap will be EPIC.

  10. Softspoken Says:

    Wow. Let me thank you for all the recap-ery that you’ve done so far: it seems to me that it really, REALLY hurts to have to keep reading this perfect chapter (as I’m sure you have been, because it’s JUST SO GOOD) because you see how wrong you’ve been.

    But still, it was fun while it lasted.
    In fact, it’s been pretty dang hilarious.
    And if you let the good times stop, I just don’t know what I’ll do.

    Really though, how’s that last chapter?

  11. Forestwater Says:

    I got up to retracting everything terrible you’ve ever said about the series before I realized you were joking.

    That is SAD.

  12. This series NEEDS a Van Helsing. If for nothing else than to KILL EDWARD.

    And you get lolz for Jasmine. Major lolz. My dog tried to eat my face I was laughing so hard. Because she thought something was wrong with me. Which made me laugh harder.

    You did have me going for a bit, tho. I was already preparing my ‘NOOOOO’ speech (that was pretty much it…just add a few more o’s) and then I hit the dripping sarcasm. Go you!

  13. Why yes, vampire hunters do exist. Smeyer decided to pull a Google and throw a beautiful dhampir with a single letter name as another love interest for Bella. His name is D. I think he belongs to a Japanese guy. :V

  14. Keyaroscuro Says:

    Wow, what book are you reading? I want some of that!

  15. Hahaha! Yes. Yes. Someone write this alternate ending. It’s much better than the alternative original.

  16. Quite.

    That made me day in a fantastic way! Oh for the poor people that haven’t read the series (because they know it is so bad) and are just so vastly confused.

  17. Charlotte Says:

    Oh goodness, I was so scared for a second there! Once I got to “transsexual” I got a little doubtful, but I realized the sarcasm by Edward’s murder. If only!

  18. Like a lot of people here, I was fooled…
    For, like, three sentences.

    Thanks for that, though. xD I’m, too, hoping for an epic recap to end all epic recaps.

  19. Ohmigod I thought the world came to an end all of a sudden D:

    Anwya, I have great news! I have a cousin who’s been a die hard Twilight fan since forever, so I thought I’d tell her my opinion about it the last time I saw her. And the conversation went on something like this:

    Me: So…Vampires sparkle huh?
    Her: Yeeeah….
    Me: Annd…what’s up with that there last book?
    Her: Weell I’m reading it in norwegian now, I thought I was missing something by reading in english. :)
    Me: Right… So… Bella’s pregnant.
    Her: yeeah….
    Me:…yup…*holding in my REAL opinions for the sake of this poor girl*
    Her:…I didn’t though….
    Me: what?
    Her: Miss anything…..IT WAS JUST AS BAD AS I THOUGHT.

    Me: O_o

    Her: IHAT IT!THAT”#$%&& BABY!??!?!WTF!?!?ITCRAWLEDTSWAYOUT!?!IHAVENOIDEAWHATTHIS
    BITCHTHOUGHTWHENSHEWROTETHATSTUFFWHATTHEHHELLWASSHETHINKING!?
    IHATETHETHREELASTBOOKSIHAVENEVERBEENSODISSAPOINTEDINALLMYLIFE
    IEVENREADITINTWOLANGUAGESTOSEEIFTHEWRITINGWASACTULLYASBADASITHOUGHTITWAS!ANDITWAS!

    Me: *victory* : D

  20. MertleYuts Says:

    Lol, I totally bought it for the first couple sentences, I was completely distraught at the possible lack of brilliant wittiness and how I might actually have to read the books myself in order to argue knowledgeably with my friends… *shudder* until I realized the joke and got a short but concentrated dose of much needed sarcasm! Yay!

  21. Lying makes Mom cry.

    • Softspoken Says:

      But recaps make her smile, right?

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      I was thinking more that this was a glorious hallucination brought on by the daughter finally snapping from the immense self-torture of reading these books.

      But hey, think of it this way, if she keeps up on this she might have a lovely dream that she can transcribe into a popular teen novel.

  22. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    But you know, Emmett/Victoria would have brought about such a nice plot twist.

  23. Katie Cole Says:

    wow I can’t believe my one silly comment led to an all out caps fight! GEESH!!

  24. We should stop focusing on the CAPS LOCK thing, and keep the focus on why we are here: We HATE Twilight, and Craig Ferguson does too >8 D

  25. You know…

    Considering that is what they got to play Jackson, I wouldn’t be surprised.

    I look at that picture and think: What a pretty lesbian!

  26. Holy crap! Reeaally?

  27. im seriously crying im laughing so hard!!!! your hilarious =)

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