Chapter Twenty-Two

Ugh, God, where  was I.

Oh, twenty-two. This should be easy.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are escorted to the lobby, and instructed not to leave until night. No idea why. We’ve managed to avoid sparkles thus far. Bella starts to sob (BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN), and Edward has to calm her down (BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.) Gianna, the mortal at the desk, asks if they need anything, and then goes back to ignoring them. Bella asks if she actually knows what’s going on here, and Edward says she does, she’s hoping that they decide to not eat her in the end and turn her to vampirism. Bella is shocked, simply shocked, that a woman could ever possibly want a vampire. Ed kind of gives her a look, but apparently Bella is immune to irony.

She cries some more because Edward’s here~~! and they spend some indeterminate amount of time touching each other until the sun sets. Bella convinces herself that Edward doesn’t want her and is just pretending, because she is as sharp as a wet rag. Eventually a vampire comes out and tells them they’re free to leave now–probably to get all the canoodling out of his office. They get outside, Alice steals yet another car (because stealing from people isn’t against the vampire moral code), and they drive to the airport.

Cue thrilling airplane action. Bella gets a coke to try to stay awake, and Edward disapproves out-loud, because he knows she has a weakness for caffeine. Uh, since when is it not okay for 18-year-olds to drink coke? Oh right. Morrrrrmonnnnnn.

So Bella chugs caffeine to stay awake so she can continue to gaze lovingly at Edward. No, she never asks him what the hell that was all about. Never tries to talk about how he just tried to kill himself. They just pet each other’s faces and gaze.

All of the vampires are waiting for them in Sea-Tac. If I weren’t already bored out of my mind I would do the 20 minutes on Google thing to find out if they arrived during the day. I know Stephenie hasn’t been to Sea-Tac, so she probably doesn’t know that there are huge windows all over the place in this airport. But whatev. Jasper and Alice do some gazing of their own. Carlisle and Esme are all “omg thank you for saving our boy,” while in my head they’re cursing that their diabolical plan to get Edward and Bella out of the picture has failed dramatically. Look, they’re just too nice, all right? There’s got to be something wrong with them. Rosalie is all repentant and crap, and Edward totes hates her for being smug about Bella dying. This is actually why I like Rosalie to begin with (FINALLY a character that is not Super Powerful on the Side of Good), but she dismantles all of that by apologizing to Bella. I’m not sure why. What exactly did she do to Bella? Hey, shouldn’t Alice be apologizing for all of this, since she has a crippling inability to see werewolves for crap’s sake?

They get Bella home. Charlie, evidently, has remembered that he is both a cop and a father, and finds it in him to yell at Edward. Edward sort of ignores him at Bella’s behest and takes her upstairs, and she… falls asleep.

WOOOEEEEE that was exciting stuff.

31 Responses to “Chapter Twenty-Two”

  1. Wha…? I waited a WEEK for this? I thought somebody was going to die! I thought Eddie Munster was going to bite Bella-Lugosi. I thought this was a plotted story, not the random typings of a thousand monkeys! *weeps* This book series makes me ashamed to be a writer.

    • Yeah, sorry Mom. The wrap-up for this novel basically amounts to “I LOVE YOU” “I LOVE YOU TOO” “LET’S NEVER FIGHT AGAIN” ~fin~

    • soranomukou Says:

      Excuse me Ms., but it’s forbidden in Article 23.15 of Smeyer’s Mormon Book of Rules and Regulations that there can be no serious character death nor anything resembling tension within her books.

  2. Moonshade Says:

    How does this surprise you, Mrs. Rachel’s Mom? The entire point of this series is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SO TENSION DOES NOT EXIST BECAUSE I LOOOOOOVEEE YOU!

    But see, it doesn’t make me ashamed. I take this as a challenge. I intend to write a BETTER BOOK, make MORE MONEY, have my novels turned into BETTER MOVIES, and thereby redeem Mormon writers the world over.

    Then I shall hire an assassin to down the Antichrist that is Meyer before she can retaliate with another series.

    • Have you heard about Midnight Sun? It’s Twilight from Edward’s perspective.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Yeah. I’ve read it, too. I’m not sure I can finish before her on this one (publishing a book takes roughly six months after the first draft is accepted, and hers is mostly done) unless she continues to emo!whine and pout about not finishing it.

        Not that I have a problem with that.

    • Don’t you know how these things go?

      If you slay the Smeyer, something more terribly and vapid will only rise up in its place.

      It will be a war of literary escalation.

      One that will define our age.

    • sociolinguist Says:

      Better book, sure. More money, probably not. Smeyer is doing better than any other contemporary author because her books are what is in demand. Furthermore, she’s a master of using empty words, empty sentences, empty characters, and empty books to make readers fill in the blanks, love what they filled in, and buy more of the books.

      Anyway, if your goal is to make money, you’re not a writer, you’re a banker with a manuscript. Really, now. “I’ll make more money writing than her to show her how silly it is to put money before quality writing!” What would your beloved Jesus say to that? “Well, at least she’s not on soda!”

  3. Edward Cullen was a Mormon
    Dum dum dum dum dum

  4. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    “…because she is as sharp as a wet rag.”

    That’s now my new favorite comparison.

    • LOL! Think I must agree on that. Too bad it didn’t come in to my “vocabulary” earlier. Heaven knows there are plenty out there who deserves the “sharp as a wet rag” stamp.

  5. CrazyFishie Says:




    Seriously, how can someone actually write so much about nothing?

    • I wondered the same thing. I just sat there flipping through the pages, wondering why it took so long for nothing to happen.

      I mean, they stand around and talk with the Vampire Mafia, and dicuss Bellward’s omg so twu wuv. Then they just…leave. I suppose the real point of all of this is to up the stakes for the next books. Now Bella HAS to become a vampire, or face the wrath of the Vamp Mafia.

      But I’m thinking about the Harry Potter books…the basilisk in the chamber, the ongoing thrill of POA, tied to a tombstone in GOF, the ministry battle…and Twilight has Aro touching Alice’s hand. And that’s it.

      When I reach the ultimate climax of a book, I like to feel that it’s been building up to this all along, and when I finish, I like to feel a sense of satisfaction that the plot was resolved. New Moon just did nothing for me.

      • The Twilight books are really more like reading somebody’s livejournal posts about what they did today. It has about as much structure and uh… literary relevance at least.

      • The first and third books are ‘better’ in that they actually have a climax.

        Unfortunately the climax is ‘good guy kills bad guys with no difficulty whatsoever’

        Even so, it’s better than ‘bad guys talk a lot and then leave’

        What makes the Harry Potter books intriguing is that PEOPLE DIE. People you like. People who don’t deserve to die.

        I think at the end of Eclipse one of the werewolves needs a band-aid.

        Sorry to ruin the big surprise endings for everyone.

      • Moonshade Says:

        But see, there’s really no comparison between Meyer and Rowling.

        It’s like comparing a five-year-old’s stick figures to the Mona Lisa. They might be the same size and hold many of the same elements (eyes, a nose, and hair in the drawings, students and mystical stuffs in the books) but otherwise they’re in different galaxies.

      • hmm. now that you mention it, HP actually wasn’t that bad, at least I could read the book without wanting to pull my eyes out. I never thought I would say this, but if this is what is considered good these days than JK Rowling is a freaking GOD. Seriously. At least there was character development, a plot, real agony even!!!

  6. I read somewhere that smeyer got the idea for this [i]exciting[/i] (please note the sarcasm) story from a dream. Last night I dreamt I was eating cookies, but you won’t see me turning it into a novel.

    Perhaps she has never heard of Google, or math or maps. It would make a lot of sense when you think of all the plot holes, and math problems. *sigh*

    • I once had a dream that was a cross between Harry Potter, X-Men, and, I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, Twilight (Jacob Black was there and he turned into a wolf, ok??) *I* think it would make a pretty great book, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna write the damn thing – people do NOT need to delve that deeply into the inner workings of other people’s subconsciouses.

      Even IF Hugh Jackman is there without a shirt on.

      • Damn it, I need a facebook “like” button for this comment.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        This explains a great deal of SMeyer’s plot holes though. In dreams, you just know stuff for no reason. Like you automatically know that the lady sitting next to you is a veterinarian who likes cats more than people even though you never speak to her throughout the duration of your dream, nor does she say or do anything that suggests her disliking people. SMeyer’s obvious problem is that she did not tweak her ideas enough to sufficiently explain these points of automatic knowledge.

        (On a side note, I actually have a bunch of sci-fi nightmares I’d like to turn into animated shorts one day. Does that make me like SMeyer or do I still have my dignity?)

      • I think the key word there is ‘shorts’

        It’s cool in my book

      • dude… nobody’s blaming you for that dream. Shirtless Hugh Jackman made me forget the rest of your dream description.

    • Heh… last night I dreamt I had various adult adventures with a longhaired beauty of a man. Would love to turn that into a book, but it’s too distracting to remember everything.

    • I had a dream about my Superhero principal who tried to free my dock-school from flying jellyfish. And some detectives were there, for some reason. That… Would probably make a good comic book. I don’t know.

    • Caitlin Says:

      To add to the weird collection of dreams, I played basketball with Nightcrawler.

      You’d think it would be hard, what with all his teleporting and all, but I was winning. Then someone was pregnant.. and we had to drive a car near the mall.

      It had a nice landscape though. I remember a fountain.

    • Again, adding to the weird dreams list… I dreamed (about ten years ago, mind) that I and a bunch of other kids ranging from nine to eighteen were kidnapped by aliens as sex slaves, we escaped, and lived HEA in the forest in this nomadic hunting/gathering community. That could, theoretically, make a good (though disturbing in many sexual ways) story. Did I attempt to novelize it and inflict it upon the world? No.

  7. Jetpacking Werewolves GO!! Says:

    Way late, but I had a dream that Henry VIII was a manga artist and his wives were his assistants. Just saying.

  8. Hey Rachel, THANK YOU so much for doing this blog! I love your sarcasm and how you twist quotes like, “Oh Alice, do it now!” and make it sound wrong. Your blog has me laughing out loud, and I gladly recommend it to my friends. (Hope you don’t mind that last adverb since you’ve had enough of SMeyer sh*t she calls writing)

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