Chapter Twenty-Three

Let me just say that this chapter reminded me of why I missed Edward.

Bella wakes up, and Edward is still there. She believes she is hallucinating him, or that she has died and somehow Edward is in Heaven? I honestly have no idea. She finally gets herself together long enough to ask what time it is and how long she was sleeping. It’s one in the morning, she was asleep for 14 hours.

So they arrived in Forks at nine in the morning? Then they landed in Sea-Tac at about the same time the sun was rising. Oh I’m sure it was cloudy because as everyone knows it is always cloudy in Washington. I am again amazed at this family’s ability to find the perfect plane tickets at the absolute last minute. A mortal would have taken more than a day or two in total travel time to get back. Not the Cullens! They are simply too good for layovers.

Edward lets it drop that Charlie has banned Edward from the house, on account of Bella going missing for three days… which is probably the only smart thing Charlie has done in almost 1,000 pages. Bella, of course, is furious. How dare he pick now to act like her father? I just did the math, btw, and she was gone for two days. But you know, whatever. I’d still get a restraining order.

They make small talk, because of course that’s what you do after you rescue your ex-boyfriend from his own suicide. Edward has been tracking Victoria, actually, which leads him into this huge apology about how he should have been paying attention to Victoria’s thoughts that one  day back when they played baseball, because then he’d see that she and James were mates and that obviously she’d want to kill Bella too.

Also, Edward feels really, really bad about that whole dumping Bella thing.

Bella launches into a lecture about how Edward shouldn’t let his guilt at not loving her anymore run his life. Obviously, it was guilt at this stupid mortal girl killing herself that led him to the Volturi begging to be killed, obviously.

Edward, in a patronizing sort of way (because this is Edward we’re talking about) asks if Bella really thinks he did all of that just because he felt guilty.

“But I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“So what if I was dead?”

That’s what I’m saying!

Edward takes this moment again to insult her (“Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”). Uh, yeah, Ed, we all do. “I don’t want you. I’m tired of being human. Yadda yadda.” How could we possibly freaking forget after the 500 pages of hole-talk.

So Edward finally owns up and admit that he was lying when he said all that. SHOCK!! Bella wasn’t going to let go, and he’d never get rid of her, and she’d never understand that he was dumping her to protect her, so he had to tell her he didn’t love her anymore to get her to stay. Of course.

Then things get… well, as messed up as only Edward can make it.

“I lied, and I’m so sorry–sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.

“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

That’s right. He apologizes for hurting her, and then, in the very next paragraph, attempts to make her feel guilty for believing him when he lied. Don’t you understand, Bella? This really is all your fault.

God, Edward, I missed you.

He shakes her some, and says “Bella, really, what were you thinking?” and she starts crying.

Good God all the Twitards were right, this really is the sweetest, most eternal kind of love! What am I going to do with my life, now that Edward has returned from self-imposed exile–an exile which sent Bella spinning off into a spiral of inadvertent suicide attempts, self-destruction and catatonic depression–he returns from this which has caused his love untold torment, and blames it all on her.

I will never find true love like this!

Uh, they talk about love, and kiss some. Let’s see… He’s never leaving again, he promises… Bella wonders what will happen next time she spills a single drop of blood in front of Jasper… uh, apparently Edward was super-depressed too… Victoria lost Edward somewhere in Brazil before going back to Forks… God, this is still so boring. Edward, get out.

Oh, the Volturi come back up. Here we go! Edward insists that the Volturi are not a problem, because we count years like they count seconds, and they probably won’t remember Bella before she turns thirty.

Bella flips the hell out. THIRTY?! BUT… BUT THAT’S SO OLD!! Not even joking, guys, look:

“But you said thirty,” I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. “What? You’re going to stay? But let me get all old anyway? Right.”

Thirty–It’s All Old.

“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.

He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

“That is seriously…” I looked for the right word. “Sick.”

Sure! Falling into catatonia after your boyfriend leaves, normal. Attempting to indirectly kill yourself, normal. Hearing voices, normal. Edward? Edward is sick.

Bella has had enough of this not turning her into a vampire thing. Her plan? Go to the Cullens and have a vote. Yes! They’re going to vote on whether she should be a vampire right the hell now.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid.

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151 Responses to “Chapter Twenty-Three”

  1. Yes, after letting Ed make all the decisions we should let them VOTE now. But wait, are Alice, Rosalie, and Esme allowed to vote? Hmm.

  2. I’m guessing our villain Victoria never shows up (smart girl). I should have guessed as much anyway, she’d get in the way of this majestic romance with her non-prettiness and Bella-hating and we can’t have that, now can we?

    • You are correct. Despite the fact that she is the supposed villain of this book, she never has a single scene or even a line. So Victoria, ostensibly the villain of the series, doesn’t even say anything for the first two books.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Oh, she does, all right. And she uses the only weapon that mere women possess: she seduces some guy to do her dirty work. Yep.

      She’s got super strength, speed, etc, and she has to get some teenage boy to fight her battles.

      I hate Meyer.

      • *sigh* Remember the days when people liked books that had this thing called TENSION, and antagonists who were capable of CAUSING that tension?

        I miss that.

  3. It’s probably not a good thing that I’ve started to project my hatred for Eddy onto Robert Pattinson. But good GOD, have you seen his hair? I mean REALLY.

    • Actually the more I hear about Robert Pattinson the more I like him, lol. He’s admittedly only Doing It For The Money, he’s said some pretty terrible things about the Twilight books.

      • At first I was dissapointed that Pattinson got himself into this mess of a series, then I realized he’d probably done himself the biggest financial favor of his career.

    • To give you faith in Robert Pattinson, I’d like to point out he thinks all the books are rubbish and Meyer is crazy.

      • He said That? Good for him, he’s alive in my book again.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        “When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything… Plus, he’s a 108-year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”

        Robert Pattinson: “When I read it I was convinced Stephenie was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, ‘Oh I’ve had this dream about this really sexy guy,’ and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, ‘This woman is mad. She’s completely mad and she’s in love with her own fictional creation.’ And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing.”

        http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/article/pattinson-gets-to-the-heart-of-stephenie-meyer-and-her-twilight-series

        Robert KNOWS. He knows how bad his character is, but he signed the stupid contract, made the first movie, and now he’s stuck. Poor guy, I really feel for him. Oh well, at least he’s getting paid.

      • The best thing is the little Twitwits don’t even care how much he hates the series, they love him anyway.

      • Keyaroscuro:
        OH
        MY GOD.
        In that same article Catherine Hardwicke (CHardwicke? I feel she should have a nickname too since all of this stupidity has been further fed by her) says “Stephenie told me that with one shot of Kristen you can say what it takes ten pages to say in the book”.
        Do you know why that is?? SMeyer routinely spends ten pages of the book saying NOTHING!! She really is perfect in the role, the girl does nothing at all.

      • I’m sure Kristen studied very hard for this role, staring into her mirror saying ‘throbbing chest hole’ for hours on end.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        @Becky: See, that’s why I didn’t read the rest of the article.

        Hatehatehatehatehate.

      • Sushifer Says:

        One of the best things about Pattinson is he divides the twitards and Potter fans. (He will eternally be cedric diggory to me ;) ) Plus, he’s done gay sex scenes (I think)as Salvador Dali in Little Ashes. See how the mormons like THAT.
        Damn, we need to send Pattinson and King a card and roses or some other token of appreciation.

    • Ok, forget his hair, have you seen his EYEBROWS? They look like they’re fuzzy caterpillars that are going to crawl across his face and start eating his nose! SRSLY

  4. :D I really wish you would write your crazy-Carslile (ech, can’t spell that, sorry) and twisted-demented version of Twilight. It’s how it should have been done in the first place. I know this is a wee bit unrelated to the post, but still, I had to say it.

    Also, the movie would have been awesome if it had been some sort of suspense plot, Bella connecting Edward to the murders and then *shock* he’s a vampire! But no.

    Sorry for off topic. Your blogging is teh awesomesauce and if you ever do rewrite the Twilight series to be, you know, good, count me in for buying a copy.

    Also, a book really sucks when the fanfics of it are better written.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      You mean if the story was told in the style of The Tell Tale Heart? Yeah that would be much more interesting. Maybe the text wouldn’t be all that different, but at least we’d know that Bella was telling this story from a padded room.

    • I’ve been considering rewriting it myself just so when I think of Twilight I won’t shudder and have the urge to marathon Buffy until I’m happy again. I’m not confident enough in my abilities to think of publishing such a thing, but knowing a better version exists would make me feel very happy.

  5. I love you. Really. I love this blog. I also read it, and I am ashamed to say that I liked it, but at least I was twelve. I will never be able to cleanse myself of the guilt and shame of thinking Twilight was a great love story…oh God I even went to see her at a signing at a book store and took a picture with her… Anyway, thank you so much for this great blog and I laugh out loud every time I see ‘injuns’.

    • You were 12.

      Hell, I thought Twilight was only marginally bad.

      It was only after getting 20 pages into <New Moon that I realized how bad the series really was.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      12 is forgivable, don’t beat yourself up on that.

      And Nichole, I only made it to the first page of chapter 13 (I think it was 13) of Twilight before I started laughing so hard in disbelief I had to put the book away and have never gotten it out since.

      This was shortly before New Moon came out, mind you. I only started reading it when my friend shoved it under my face and was like READ IT THIS IS AWESOME OMGWTFBBQAHAHAHA.

      • Same deal here. A friend shoved it into my face, of course noting that ‘It’s so cool and different! The vampires SPARKLE’

        At the time I happened to be obsessively counting the days until Let The Right One In arrived at the local indie theater. So I figured it was just bad comparatively

        It was month later that another friend recommended shoved the rest of the series in my face, noting that ‘you have to read this! You will laugh your ass off’

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        I think that as soon as I heard the words “vampires” and “sparkles” in the same sentence, I had a minor subconscious convulsion. I like to think that a part of my brain knew the horrors that were in store with this series.

      • Oh wait maybe I can sell my autographed books on ebay! They say ‘To Sarah’ but I’m sure the Twitards won’t care. Yessss this is a great idea. Also to Rachel Vampirely you can totally have my Eclipse book if someone else hasn’t already offered theirs. They are currently hidden under my bed…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Hey, no need to feel bad about it. It’s same thing as little kids thinking that fairy tales are innocent and well written. When you read them again as adults, you can’t help but think “Well THAT was awfully convenient” and “…Is this even kid-friendly?”

      • You thought the same thing about faitytales? Glad I’m not the only one to think so… “Kiss the frog and it’ll become a prince” equals to halucinations induced from licking a poisonous frog.
        On that note, I prefer reading the “dark” versions of classic fairytales. Neil Gaimans take on Snow White (“Snow, glass, apple” for those interested) is amongst my favourites.

        • Yes! Snow, glass, apple was twisted and I loved it. I always knew Snow White was too innocent and good to be true.

          • Nobody who runs around in the woods, and lures wild animals to their sides are suspicious. Just the fact that wild animals, normally avoiding human contact in total, are lured to her side, and made slaves for her pleasure can not be “good”.

  6. Bendemolena Says:

    Apparently the voting process is a Mormon thing also.
    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317857.html (explained toward the bottom).

    Really, I’m just facepalming at the whole thing, Mormon undertones or not.

    • I was going to bring up that point myself! I read that same blog and as a result read the phrase “Mormon undertones” as “Mormon underwear”. Because I now know waaaaaaay too much about Mormon underwear. CURSE YOU SMEYER!
      Also, I am now having issues not thinking “Vampire!” constantly around my Mormon friends.
      DOUBLE CURSE YOU SMEYER!

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Why is there a wee smiley face at the bottom of this blog in the gray area…?

        …nvm, I must be seeing things. Having too much fun in Seattle…you know, that place where SMeyer obviously never went to. Speaking of which, we drove by Sea-Tac today and honestly I’m quite certain SMeyer has never been within several hundred miles of this place. SEATTLE IS TOO GOOD FOR TWILIGHT.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Oh, was going to say. As a Mormon myself, I can tell you that if you’re not a Mormon then you seriously have NO IDEA how many undertones are in this series. It makes me gag and flail stupidly. stoney321 got most of them right, but there’s just so much. It’s like…like…Salt Lake City, Utah, during the Mormon’s General Conference. THEY’RE EVERYWHERE AHHHHH.

  7. Katie Cole Says:

    oh jesus what until you find out how Bella acts when she gives up on Edward trying to turn her into a vampire and tries to get him to have sex with her!

    Oh and the whole werewolf thing? Yea Meyer makes this HUGE plot hole with them in the last book. You’ll see what I mean.

    • Did she ever explain that particular plot hole? Assuming you’re talking about the one I’m thinking of…that part still bugs the shit out of me.

      • haha I’m not sure, but you are probably thinking along the same lines as me. I don’t think she ever explained it. I don’t want to just type it out though, that would ruin it for everyone else ;)
        but if you want to say it, my myspace page is linked on here. feel free to send a message.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        I think that she was trying to “tie up loose ends” while being simultaneously “creative.” After all, we’re talking about the lady who came up with sparkling vampires.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Are you talking about the thing that sounds like a cross between pedestrian and bibliophile or the gender issue within the little werewolf subset? Or both?

      • Moonshade Says:

        Just curious, but why are ALL of Smeyer’s female characters infertile (except for Bella, who is super-special-awesome)?

        I get the fact that Smeyer was obviously traumatized by pregnancy or something. I mean, just reading the fourth book made me want to get my tubes tied. But what IS it with her and infertility?

  8. CrazyFishie Says:

    It’s quite sad that none of us will ever be able to find TWU WUV like this, eh?

    In regards to Robert Pattinson, I am very glad he actually has a BRAIN. SRSLY. I feel bad for the poor man, gettign run down by crazed Twatlight fangirls and Twi-moms.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      That first line right there is the basis of the majority of Twihard arguments:

      “Yeah well, you’re just jealous.”

      Uh huh, jealous of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and the constant threat of being made into vampire chow. YES, THAT’S SO JEALOUSY.

  9. I am about to join the public speaking club at work and I want my introductory speech to be about the domestic abuse themes in Twilight–since most of the women there are forty plus and shove these books at their tween girls–and was wondering if you’d mind if I used your blog as my main research source. It’s so concise! Everything is just laid out so nicely. It would be awesome.

    • Rachel H. Says:

      I would LOVE it if you did that! The world needs to be woken up.
      I was thinking of writing a paper like that for my sophomore year, but when I discovered the blog I was already halfway writing a different one. Oh well, maybe next year :)

  10. Interimname Says:

    You’re mocking her for choosing DEMOCRACY?

    Why do you hate America, Rachel?

    • Moonshade Says:

      It’s not the voting– it’s the fact that Bella has utterly submitted to everything Edward has ever said up until now.

      But you already knew that.

    • I guess I’m the only one who found this comment made of lulz?

  11. Natalya Says:

    It has nothing to do with democracy, Interimname. It has to do with the fact that Smeyer decides to shove so many Mormon traditions/values down our throats (Like extreme undertones of anti-feminism and the house voting).
    Also, movie-wise, I was proud of what Pattinson did with it. He probably got halfway through the script and said, “Screw it. Edward’s a sociopath, and that’s how I’m playing him.”
    I feel terrible for Kirsten Stewart, though. She was amazing in Speak. I know she seems perfect for Bella because she’s done so well with roles featuring awkward teenage girls, but really. I think this series might wreck her career.

    It made me laugh when in an interview Pattinson said that he would want to play himself in his own biography, as he openly admits that after twilight his career is over.

  12. Oh man. I love you. I really do. Thank you for doing this, I was afraid that I was alone in thinking Twilight was awful.

    I have a question though, and I don’t know if it’s been brought up in the past comments because I haven’t read them all, but why… why does Edward even go to high school? Is this explained in the later books? I mean, if I were immortal, I’d get a PhD in everything and travel the world and become a mad scientist or something. Why does he hang around a dumpy high school in the middle of nowhere picking up dumpy chicks? In a hundred years he hasn’t found ANYONE as interesting as Bella? Whe… where was he looking? And yeah, okay, so he doesn’t age, but he can pass for, say, late twenties if he dressed accordingly and grew a beard or something, he can go to fucking college if he wanted to.

    Wait, why am I applying logic to Twilight?

    • Because, if he actually did any of that, he wouldn’t be at the high school stalking Bella and trying not to eat her.

      Really, though, I have no idea. I always wondered why the Cullens just didn’t pretend to be homeschooled.

      1st rule of Twilight: check logic at the door.

      • Maybe it goes back to the fact that the book is written for squealing tweens. They haven’t gotten to high school yet, so the idea of omg staying in high school forever seems awesome to them, and Smeyer is catering to that. OH WAIT, women in their forties like this book too. Um… I got nothing.

        Somebody please write a fic about a nerdy 13 year old vampire permanently stuck in awkward puberty. Cracking voice FOREVEEEERRRR.

      • Vampire Revenant Says:

        @Anya…Read The Reformed Vampire Support Group by Catherine Jinks – the main character likens being a vampire to staying indoors with the flu watching daytime television forever and ever.

    • Once you’re a vampire, all body functions [except for sperm, apparently] stop forever. He could never grow a beard, and his hair would stay the same forever unless he cut it.

      As far as him going to high school, he’s supposed to be the adopted son of Carlisle and Esme, and in the setting of the book, it means he’s supposed to act and dress like a high schooler in order to stay as out of the public eye as possible. If he, or any of the Cullens became famous, it would be much harder to disappear to some other area once the risk of mortals noticing they haven’t aged is increased.

      If Edward were a single vampire, he could probably do interesting things like get a PhD and do awesome things like travel and not meet Bella. But, that would make it a much different and *interesting* book, and therefore not up to Smeyer’s standards of literature.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      I unfortunately read part of Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward’s point of view.

      Apparently he has several PhDs in various fields, which is just another reason why he’s so “perfect”.

  13. OMG I LOVE YOU

    Seriously.

    I only read the damned books because my mother, yes my MOTHER loved them and gushes fan-girl squee at every opportunity. I was DYING OF LAUGHTER halfway through Twilight. And, because I write my own originals and edit my bf’s, I read the rest of them for the lulz. And so I could tell my mother why her fangirl squee-ing were COMPLETELY STUPID.

    She still doesn’t believe me. We actually got into a very loud argument. She doesn’t SEE how Ed is SO ABUSIVE. She actually made the comment that she wanted me to find someone like Ed. Shoot me, please.

    You have been bookmarked so I can prove my point and turn a Twidweeb. And therefore, I LOVE YOU
    lol

    • FlameUser64 Says:

      I thought I was the only one whose MOTHER was obsessed with these books! And somehow she doesn’t understand that Edward is seriously abusive. I’m so confused! Also, my mom is 54. Yeah, so we have a 54-year-old Twilight fangirl. My life sucks. >.<

  14. “Thirty–It’s All Old.”

    That made me guffaw out loud…I couldn’t hold it in > <

    Which made my five dogs start barking.

    Which woke up my parents.

    Which got me lectured for 10 minutes about respecting other people.

    . . . I shouldn't read these at 3 in the morning XD I BLAME SMEYER!!

  15. omg, wtf?! LOL!
    I spent two days reading your blog nonstop, and haven’t stopped laughing since.
    I have a friend who is CONVINCED she is Bella, right down to the severe lack of personality, clinginess, and general idiocy. I’ve been trying to convince her that she’s so much better…but she just doesn’t get it. ::facepalm::
    When will people realize that this series is TRASH?!

    • Allycat Says:

      Quick! Get her some Anita Blake books….. or just have her committed.

      • Anita Blake has become a bit of a whore since Obsidian Butterfly.

        Up until that point, though, great series.

      • Oh god, yes! A good Vampire HUNTER book may just knock some sense into the TwiTweens. (Hopefully…)

    • Or “The Southern Vampire Series” by Charlene Harris… they are like a reverse of the main theme of Twilight– where Edward can’t read Bella’s mind in Harris’s series the main female can read minds but not her love interest. Funny… I wonder if there is a connection there.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Or Demon in my View by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes.

      Similar in most respects, except that the vampire is played as a murderous psycho (he’s the villain in the prequel) and their relationship is DEFINED as being dysfunctional, but the heroine decides that she likes it this way.

      And the heroine has a personality. And things make sense. And nobody sparkles. And…

      Okay, it’s nothing like Twilight except for the fact that a girl falls for a vampire.

      • Let the Right One In

        It’s about a boy who kinda falls in love with a vampire

        100% less sparkles; 100% more murder.

      • Graymalkin Says:

        I freaking Loooove Amelia Atwater-Rhodes vampire books. Actually, her books in general. They aren’t super long so perfect for those who are busy, or good for a medium-sized road trip

      • Or the book that Demon in my View is a sequel to, In the Forests of the Night. OMGWTF a book about real vampires who are cool and scary and DO NOT SPARKLE.

        Another good one, recommended to me by a friend, is Companions of the Night. It’s teen-oriented and short, and the main vampire IS, in fact, a sociopathic pathological liar AND the girl understands this and doesn’t like it, but realizes (by thinking clearly) that she has to work with him due to the situation she’s in. And she’s clever and has a cool personality. And there’s plenny o’ violence and sunlight avoidance.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Vivian Vande Velde’s “Companions of the Night” is the book that got me loving vampires. Read it years ago, but I picked it up again for old time’s sake and I still love it. <3

  16. *ring ring*
    Rachel’s Mom: Hi, is this Charlie, Bella’s dad?

    Charlie: Yes, this is Bella’s dad.

    Rachel’s Mom: Hi, Charlie. This is Rachel’s Mom. I’m calling to tell you what a complete loser you are as a parent, and to demand that you ground your daughter immediately from her cell phone, the car, the computer, her IPod, the TV, leaving the house, friends, enemies, and any and all people who sparkle or explode into fur-balls. Oh, and while you’re at it, please prohibit her from doing any more crying, moping or whining about chest-holes.

    Charlie, your daughter has been out cavorting with creatures of the night for two full books now and you don’t seem to give a damn. She’s also been abusing drugs in the form of cold medication, been toying with suicide — and were you even aware that she recently flew off to Italy without a single word to anybody? ITALY! Your daughter has a serious issue with self-indulgence which can be easily remedied by a long stint in community service where she’ll be exposed to people who have real problems – not problems they’ve brought upon themselves as an excuse to be dramatic and pathetic.

    Speaking of pathetic, what is up with your daughter’s doormat personality? Couldn’t you have instilled a little bit of backbone in the girl? Or maybe you don’t like strong women. Is that why Bella’s mother left you, Charlie? Do you like to hit women when they get a little mouthy? That’s bound to come back and bite you in the ass – literally.

    And, by the way, there’s this psycho name Stephanie who’s been feeding our young daughters all kinds of crap about how the more a man controls you the more he loves you. If you see her, tell her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs.

    Buh Bye!

    *click*

  17. Katie Cole Says:

    Ok I have to post this-
    http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

    the best line in that is–
    “Three hundred pages after “Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!”, the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up ’53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.”

    YES!EPIC!
    I think that about sums up how things work in the world of Meyer.

  18. On sparkling vampires:

    When I first heard of this “Twilight” thing and found out the vamps sparkled in the sunlight, I thought this was hilariously brilliant. This is because I assumed (knowing the first thing about vampires, and not knowing the first thing about smeyer’s writing skills) that they sparkled due to a chemical reaction with the sun, and the pretty lights were simply the precursor to them bursting into flame.

    I was so, so disappointed to find out this was not the case.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Thank you so much for proving my essential point: that the readers are often much smarter than Smeyer.

      I’ve already written down my guesses about what was going to happen during Breaking Dawn. None of it actually happened, but everyone who’s read it so far has agreed that it’s about a billion times better than the plot of the actual book.

    • Like a Fourth of July sparkler! The pretty glitteryness is actually a sign of violent and fatal combustion processes!

  19. Natalya Says:

    You know, I’ve finally gotten Twilight and the following “books” figured out. We’re all complaining about the fact that Bella has no personality, no hobbies, no redeeming factors. But maybe Smeyer created her that way for a reason?
    I think maybe Bella is such an empty shell so that she can become every single reader, and they can live out their fantasies of a supernatural, emotionally damaging relationship. Any kind of personality would make certain readers dislike her because that would interrupt the fantasy.
    Have you also noticed that although Smeyer goes on and on about how Edward is gorgeous and perfect in every way, we never really get a physical description? Sure, tall, copper hair, deathly pale, but still. That leaves an incredibly wide range. Any girl can project her crush onto Edward. He’s universal.
    And Sociopathic. But I digress.
    My god, it’s not just bad writing. It’s an entire assault on a preteen’s subconscious.
    I know that there have always been conspiracy theories associated with the Jewish, but a Mormon plot to control our youth’s minds? Something is very wrong here. Mostly due to the fact that Smeyer isn’t smart enough to do this.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      I think I read somewhere that SMeyer used that excuse to explain her terrible main characters (she wanted someone that “everyone” could relate too).

      However, if you read her “exact” description of Bella…she’s pretty much describing herself.

      • That’s downright sad. I mean, yes, when I write I tend to have characters on the taller end of the spectrum, since I’m 5’10” and it’s what I’m used to, but publishing your own low self esteem riddled fantasies? This woman needs help.

      • Moonshade Says:

        But don’t you see? It’s all there! Bella is actually a cunningly disguised plea for help. REALLY Meyer is suffering in an abusive relationship with a glittery statue of John Wayne Gacy vampire, which she published in the guise of fiction so he wouldn’t find out about it and leave her! What she REALLY wants is some good psychotherapy and maybe a few caped crusaders to rescue her from the psycho. UNFORTUNATELY the majority of the world thinks that this is a great thing, and so her desperate cries for help are drowned by the fandom who thinks that abuse is sexy.

    • Edward is also empty of personality. He likes to read(whatever vampire hasn’t picked up a few books in a hundred years, though), and is “gentlemanly”, and is super-amazing at everything. Other than that, who is Edward, as a person?

      Not only can you project any face onto Edward, you can project any number of personalty traits onto him as well.

      He’s a literary mannequin.

      • I must thank you, Gordon, and the rest of the people here, for making me realize something I can use against a friend of mine concerning his main character. Without flaws, but for one… his main character is a mary-sue. *insert suppressed giggles building into mad professor laughter*

  20. Fear-ciuil Says:

    1. You rock. Totally. Just discovered this blog last night, and I must thank you for torturing yourself. (That way, I don’t have to….)

    2. re: the boys’ odd names, check out this website:
    http://wesclark.com/ubn/
    It sheds a bit of a different light on things.

    (3. I think Stephenie Meyer is really Dolores Umbridge. Oblivious, evil, I’m-hurting-you-for-your-own-good … yeah, definitely Umbridge.)

    • Lol Umbridge. :D That’s why she created the Baby-Sue, so everyone would hate her and her plan to turn the world against half-breeds would finally succeed.

  21. I’m just curious, but do the pictures on the covers of the Twilight books have anything to do at all with the novels themselves, or are they just there for prettiness sake?

    • Moonshade Says:

      According to Meyer, they’re supposed to be symbolic. Except for New Moon, which was just supposed to be pretty. Go figure.

      Personally, I think that it’s just abuse of the standard goth colors.

    • They’re symbolic, in the sense that SMeyer is trying to find some depth and is failing.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Maybe they symbolize failure as a writer? The novels are as flat and devoid of excitement as their covers, with some meaningless prettiness strewn in to catch the attention of an ADHD infected generation.

    • Keyaroscuro Says:

      Oh yeah, they have “meaning.” Let me share it with you with some help from Wikipedia and SMeyer’s own website.

      Twilight (From SMeyer’s own website in her own words.)
      “The apple on the cover of Twilight represents “forbidden fruit.” I used the scripture from Genesis (located just after the table of contents) because I loved the phrase “the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.” Isn’t this exactly what Bella ends up with? A working knowledge of what good is, and what evil is. The nice thing about the apple is it has so many symbolic roots. You’ve got the apple in Snow White, one bite and you’re frozen forever in a state of not-quite-death… Then you have Paris and the golden apple in Greek mythology—look how much trouble that started. Apples are quite the versatile fruit. In the end, I love the beautiful simplicity of the picture. To me it says: choice.”

      New Moon
      You’re right, there isn’t a meaning to the poor flower. It’s just…a flower.

      Eclipse (From lovely Wikipedia.)
      “The broken ribbon represents choice, as in the book Bella must choose between her love for the vampire Edward Cullen, and her friendship/love with the werewolf Jacob Black. Meyer also stated that the ribbon represents the idea that Bella is unable to completely break away from her human life.”

      Breaking Dawn (Again from SMeyer’s on website and FAQ.)
      “Breaking Dawn’s cover is a metaphor for Bella’s progression throughout the entire saga. She began as the weakest (at least physically, when compared to vampires and werewolves) player on the board: the pawn. She ended as the strongest: the queen. In the end, it’s Bella that brings about the win for the Cullens.”

      …you know, for absolutely despising this series, I know too much about it.

      • Sounds like Smeyer put more thought and creative effort into choosing the cover pictures than the writing within!
        Perhaps the flower for ‘New Moon’ actually corrosponded well with the story; it’s there and it’s pretty, ta-da!!

      • Moonshade Says:

        What I find is hilarious is the symbolism of the last one. “Strongest character?” Are you kidding? She’s a sue who manages to STILL be entirely dependent on everyone around her.

    • Vampire Revenant Says:

      The first book’s cover is almost exactly like a CS Lewis book cover.

      http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Words-to-Live-by/C-S-Lewis/e/9780061209123/?itm=1

  22. soranomukou Says:

    u gaiz omg

    it’s not a craze u gaiz lol

    • Moonshade Says:

      Record. RECORD!!!!!

      The reason you can’t stop waving your hands about like a crazy person is because you ARE a crazy person. Just so ya know.

      Wow. Since when was Twilight ‘action-packed’? Or ‘modern’? Or involve actual love?

      “Actually, I’m freakin’ out right now.” You know, I hadn’t noticed. I thought the hyperventilating was the result of a tuna allergy.

    • soranomukou Says:

      it’s not a crayze u no gaiz lol

    • Oh.

      So that’s what Twilight fans look like.

      I’m so surprised.

    • Katie Cole Says:

      once she started squealing i had to stop watching it, because i think my dog would start freaking out thinking there is something dying in my lap (since im on my laptop and that is where i have put it,on my lap).

      but wtf? where is she even from? she says god like gowd…so like the uk? and shes talking to someone in ny? are they actually from ny? Im from ny. that makes me sad. i think im gonna find that ny girl and tell her to stop being a twat, shes making us all look bad.

    • some random guy Says:

      Well.
      OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!11! Looks like I’ll have to suck-start my shotgun after watching that.
      wish me luck….
      God bless David Eddings

    • obsessed much?
      Things she can’t wait to see: 1)Fursplosions. 2)Jacob with his top off.
      Anybody catch anything else, besides her “Oh, god”-ing and orgasming over the news?

    • Hey, wait! “Action packed”? Saw the movie (had to, and ended up laughing my arse off), and it was far from action packed.

  23. Moonshade Says:

    see more Lol Celebs

    Yeah. Because… yeah.

  24. soranomukou Says:

    troll the living fucking shit out of this bitch plz

    • Katie Cole Says:

      I think I’ll leave a comment, but nothing mean or childish. I mean I’m 20 years old for crying out loud,I’m not going to be a tool on the internet to a complete stranger but I’d like to make my opinion known too. I’d just like to set her straight on the whole ‘oh they are good vampires this is a new and creative idea’ thing she’s going on about. I mean that is not a new concept, she even said it herself that she likes Buffy. Um have you not seen Angel, the spin off of the show? Where Angel is a good vampire who does not eat people?

      Not that Angel was all that awesome or anything just, you know, that Smeyer was not exactly being 100% creative or original

      • soranomukou Says:

        it’s okay to insult her, she “isn’t bothered”

        plus it’s fun to show her exactly what you think of her ;D

      • Katie Cole Says:

        oh wait nvm she did say angel DX

      • Moonshade Says:

        I’m not much younger than you, and I am well aware that my responses to this girl are immature and a bit mean.

        What I don’t like about this girl is her attitude, honestly. It’s not the fangirling (heck, I’ve done that) or the drooling about a series that really isn’t worth much (done that too). It’s the way she acts about it. My first experience with this kid (I don’t care how old she is, she acts the part) was basically her ‘defending’ Twilight after a few viewers informed her that it sucked. Out of the… roughly ten minutes of rant, barely thirty seconds of it were actually about the books, and they were roughly composed of “Twilight is awesome because it’s awesome and you pricks don’t know what you’re talking about.” The rest of it (9 minutes, 30 seconds) were her screaming and swearing about how she was NOT fat, and how anyone who doesn’t like Twilight is totally retarded, and you’re all dickheads who need to die etc etc etc etc.

        This isn’t a fan gushing. This is an attention whore trying to get an audience by squealing at a webcam about the latest craze. THAT I have a problem with. Mostly because I know a few of these personally, and after years of putting up with their crap I’ve decided that verbal blunt force trauma is the only way to communicate with them.

        And all I know about Angel is that he also happens to be Booth from Bones, which I adore. Though my students insist that I get into Buffy ASAP.

      • CrabOfDoom Says:

        “Forever Knight” was about a vampire who didn’t eat people, too. I think he lived on bottled cattle blood. He was a cop in Toronto, and actually made himself useful in his unlife.

  25. soranomukou Says:

    I’M SCARED BY HER FUGLY, IF I’M HONEST

    EWWW

    • Moonshade Says:

      I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but you’ve got caps lock on.

      • soranomukou Says:

        I write in caps because I desire attention and the only way to get it is to annoy people who read a Twilight blog.

        I mean, Rachel V. totally didn’t just edit this comment to make fun of me or anything!

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        That’s what people say about Twilight too, but then…here we are.

  26. Rach, even though you are letting down the entire world when you take so long between updates, I want you to know that I still love you.

  27. Amusing Twilight analogy I used in conversation:

    If writing the Twilight “Saga” were a basketball game, Stephenie Meyer poked a hole in the ball and then tried to play kickball with it.

  28. dont worry, ur deffinatily not alone

  29. Your comment “and somehow Edward is in Heaven?” reminded me of something. A couple chapters ago, when Edward sees Bella, he thinks he has died. There was a minute there where Edward is convinced Bella is his eternal punishment in hell. He must love her soooooo much.

  30. Makokam Says:


    I miss Jacob.
    Can Jacob eat Edward? Please?
    Could that be in the directors cut of New Moon? I’d buy it if it contained even an easter egg, no matter how well hidden or badly done, of Jacob mauling Edward.
    Seriously. I don’t care if we watch the guy who plays Jacob growl, stop to put on a mascot costume, and then jump on and beat the shit out of the guy who plays edward. I’d buy the movie. Especially if it was (actor who plays edward)s idea.

  31. alaskan-salmon Says:

    good god! how long does she have to make her books? how did she find so much to write about without getting hell bored?… actually the book kind of shows how… simple things entertain simple minds.
    i love this smeyer/twilight bashing!

  32. “But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

    Well for one thing Edward, it was a bit more than “one word”. For a second thing, you didn’t really give her much of a choice. And for a third: people change. I’m sure plenty of relationships end very sharply and seemingly without warning, in spite of plenty of “I love you” prior. Heck, I’ve had two go that way. It happens, so why not get over yourself and realise it’s your fault (not that I can bring myself to actually defend Bella much).

    Is anyone else reading this self-righteous crap from Edward berating her and being reminded of some of those sick examples of gods “testing” their followers in the most twisted ways?

  33. This is hilarious.

    I think Smeyer is ageist. All the main characters in the book–Edward and other vampires and Jacob and the werewolves–are young (teens or early twenties). Bella only wants to be a vampire so that she never gets old or dies. So why doesn’t the Cullen family turn the entire humanity into vampires, ’cause I guess most of the people would like that (being young and being able to live on forever) and that seems like a valid reason for the Cullens.

    On a side note: can vampires die of hunger, say after humans and animals are extinct?

  34. The problem is that a lot of people claim what you’re saying but in reality, there’s just no ground hitting answer. We all have our own views and that’s why some people prefer to believe something over another. I personally want to find out more about this before I can totally agree because their may be some risks.

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