Chapter Twenty-One

It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.

Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.

They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?

They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.

They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.

Then, Aro appears.

Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.

Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.

Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.

Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.

“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.

Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Caius: Whatever.

Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.

Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”

Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.

I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.

Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?

Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.

Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!

Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…

Nothing happens.

Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?

Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?

Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.

Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.

Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.

Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.

Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.

They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.

…Okay, I have a question.

Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?

Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.

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144 Responses to “Chapter Twenty-One”

  1. Softspoken Says:

    It’s official. If this book was turned into a human, it would be a eunuch.

    Also: Yeah, 40 people go missing all at once, possibly in a foreign country? TONS of people will care. If a single tourist from Canada goes missing in Mexico, IT IS ON THE NEWS.

    Also also: I remember hearing the history of Marcus, which involves Aro (But-not-in-that-sorta-way) and as I recall, it was actually a pretty amazing concept. Which leads me to wonder: Does SMeyer make one/two paragraph amazing concepts, which could be pretty good short novels in and of themselves, and purposely throw them away? (The other one was the Alice / psycho backstory twist from the first book.)

    • The Alice/Psycho story would be an awesome book! Provided that someone other than SMeyer writes it.

      • She’d have Alice falling in love with the psychotic vampire tracker that wants to eat her. Because omg, their so totallly meant 2 B, srsly!!!11 And he only wants to hurt her cuz he luvs her soo much. I’m starting to see a pattern here.

      • Hallard Says:

        I’d read it.

        Given that Alice is a lesbopire, though, and that it would be written by someone else who doesn’t deny that she gives off lesbo vibes to anyone with a gaydar, the vampire that turned her would be female. Alternately, they could write that she had no interest in the vampire that turned her, and that she had a lucky sort of cheeseburger encounter that resulted in her turning instead of being ripped to tiny bits.

    • When you think about it, all of the Cullens have pretty interesting back stories.

      And those vampire chicks Edward went to hang out with at the beginning of Twilight supposedly are the origin of succubi legends.

      The reason Twilight is a travesty is not only is it mindless dreck written by someone with an…imperfect grasp of both the English language and writing conventions, but also because it could have been so much better.

      I’m gonna put my brief “hardcore” synopsis of the first three books, along with brief character descriptions in the next comment. I’ll leave out most of the spoilery stuff, but be warned its there.

      • The Twilight Saga That Never Was:

        A girl, neglected by her father and forced to parent her inattentive mother, gets sucked into a abusive relationship with a borderline psychotic vampire and his “family”(read above) while her mortal friends try vainly to save her from herself and the hellish creatures she meets in the course of their relationship.

        When the vampire end the relationship to “save” her, the broken shell of the girl takes comfort in her friendship with a boy, who turns out to be a werewolf being sucked into a cult-like following of his kind masked by Native American “tradition”. In the midst of this, the “sister” of the vampire returns to enlist the girl’s aid in preventing his suicide-by-vampire-noble.

        With the return the of the vampires, the girl starts realizing how little control she has of her own life. She begins to rail against the vampire’s twisted control of her, while trying to avoid the emotional manipulation of the werewolf to his own ends. When the bereaved widow of the vampire from the first book to returns to claim vengeance, both the vampires and the werewolves must ally together to fight a new and much darker threat.

        The fourth book could remain relatively unchanged, as long as you improve pacing and make appropriate changes so that it fits in with the new tone of the series.

        Imagine that series populated by these characters:

        A vampire, consumed by guilt at his very existence and driven mad by centuries of loneliness, latches on to the dying words of a mother and turns her son, dying of influenza. (Carlisle and Edward)

        The same vampire comes across and turns the dying shell of a woman who, grief stricken by the death of her infant son, attempted suicide. She has yet to deal with that pain, and suppresses it by caring for her new “children.”(Esme)

        A teen-aged victim of turn-of-the-century psychiatric care is changed when a vampire attempts to save her from the hellish existence she leads, and the vampire stalking them both.(Alice)

        A trio of vampiric “sisters” give rise to medieval legends of succubi.

        I left out Jasper on purpose, but his backstory is fairly cool, too.

        Rosalie is an interesting character, though her backstory pales in comparison to the others. She has a real good reason to be the eternal bitch.

        I’m fairly certain Emmett was just tacked on for the sake of symmetry.

      • Anundine Says:

        hmmm… how about combining Aro and Marcus, to get a vampire who is gayer than a Chihuahua in pink shades, yet still the head of a vampire court, because he manipulates those in power by being able to sense who they’re affectionate/screwing around with.

        that would totally rule.

      • Moonshade Says:

        See, this is why I tolerated Twilight for as long as I did. Because, fool that I am, I saw potential, and I was always waiting for her to run with it.

        Personally I think Aro is one of the coolest characters in the world if he’s done right. Can you imagine just how messed up he has to be inside? Hearing every thought that anyone he touches has ever had– being unable to censor the thoughts you hear or ‘tune them out’ as Edward does is supposed to be able to drive you insane (it happened to the Martian Manhunter once, and it turned ugly very fast). Let’s not forget that he also has to relive the agonizing transformation of every vampire he’s ever touched– just because they don’t remember the process now doesn’t mean they weren’t thinking about it at the time. Add to that the stigma of being gay in whatever society he was born in, which might not necessarily have been as open-minded as we are today.

        Personally I’m thinking that he’s at once the strongest and weakest of the Voturi– he knows the other two’s every weakness and shortcoming, and can use it to manipulate them into obedience, which is mainly to avoid as much suffering as possible, just so he doesn’t have to endure it himself whenever he touches his lunch.

        But did Smeyer focus on this incredible character? Nope. He gets two entire chapters of being little more than interesting wallpaper.

  2. Di-chan Says:

    If that is Aro, why does it sound like SMeyer stole Albus Dumbledore from Rowling and slapped on a different name?

    Mercy, these books are anti-climatic.

    • Because she did. She just gave him, like you said, a different name, and lamer powers.

      Yes, yes they are. I can’t remember, was there even one good climax in any of the four books?

      Book 1) Bella was unconscious.
      Book 2) The Vamp Mafia
      Book 3) Well, at least something actually happened. Not anything particularly interesting, but something.
      Book 4) Yawn. Also…? Yawn.

      How is it that SMeyer can manage to write so many freaking pages of NOTHING?

      • Di-chan Says:

        The same way a college student makes a professors quota of pages, they bull shit their way to it. IN this case literary professors should be having strokes at the fact that she broke all the written or unwritten laws of producing a decent book.

        It is pathetic that these books sold well and now has a cult.

      • Breaking Dawn was the worst of them all.

        Imagine if a Die Hard movie ended, not with the villain being blown up, but with a debate at the UN Security Council.

  3. Rachel H. Says:

    Honestly, aside from the hundreds of tourists constantly going missing, how did the skankpire even get them to come into the castle in the first place? I mean, there’s only so much “alluring” vampire quality that can convince these people (especially that little countrified Italian woman) to come on a random side trip, right?
    It’s a good thing the scary Volturi can convince the police and international authorities that they have no idea where all the tourists disappear to… maybe Marcus can sense the relationships of the authorities and blackmail them? lol

    Epic fail throughout. XD

    • I always imagined they convinced people to sign up for some kind of super secret special tour of Italy. Something not in any brochure, and wouldn’t appear on any itinerary.

  4. Aro is the biggest Gary Stu for Smyers. I mean really, “OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8” (in many words) – is that NOT how she thinks?!

    *checks the tags* Oh yes, I see that has been noted. Well I’m still gonna comment! You can’t stop me! I’m as maniacal as the Volturi!

    • Moonshade Says:

      Not a Gary Stu so much as her own personal fanboy. EDWARD is her Gary Stu.

      And personally, Aro is one of my favorite characters (besides Alice). He’s a psycho and a fanboy, but at least he’s more interesting conceptually than… almost every other character in the series.

      • That’s not really fair… a lot of SMeyer’s characters are conceptually interesting. Just not the two main ones.

        There’s so must wasted potential for something vaguely interesting to happen it hurts.

      • Moonshade Says:

        @ Nicole: Okay, that’s true. If Smeyer hadn’t been so obsessed with Bellward, this might have actually been quite an interesting read. Alas….

  5. silentLark Says:

    (Hi, followed you from Fey winds. Your recaps are awesome. ^^)

    …So the story so far was: (WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG)

    Twilight

    Bella moved to a happy-stupid place (that’s butchered).
    She’s a Mary Ditz.
    Falls for the creepy guy who gorgeous(and only gorgeous).
    Edward is an unstable, dangerous, crusty (diamonds, really?), “Cliche Lone Wolf”, dead, and sparkling stalker- a.k.a “Mr. Perfect”.
    Bella is a walking cheeseburger with extra cheese, to Edward.
    Meet the Cullens. AliceXBella fanfic coupling.
    Vampires sparkle, they like baseball, they are also superman.
    CheeseBella gets hunted by other ugly vamps, Cullens freak out.
    Major traveling…across country…by car…to, um, was it Texas or? (w/e)
    Bella surrenders, Villian monolgue, erm… Ditz gets hurt.
    To the Prom, woot, “love triangles”. The End

    New Moon

    Happy Birthday! Oh sorry, I don’t like nice people.
    Lots of bleeding…not because of violence.
    Cullens erm…forgot this part. They leave.
    Bella cries for her “twu wuv”, no into depressio-erm comatose? eh goes emo. (with night terrors)
    Ditz decides to get motorcycles…to kill her self/cliff diving.
    Hooks up with Jacob…as a “friend”, with all the wrong signals.
    Tries to ride motorbike…smashes into tree.
    Becareful of bears with wolf legs.
    Jacob is a werewolf. OhMiGosh! He’s a supernatural creep, who eats people, and is one of her friends! What would Bella do?!11
    Opps my bad, He eats vamps… who eats people.
    *Bella huggles Jacob more*
    Hears her twu wuvs voice. Imma go cliff diving now in this storm, kk?
    Hey look, werewolves explode and need anger mangement.
    OMG, Alice~! *squeals of ecstasy* Nomnomnom jk.
    Edward misses cheeseburger and thinks she died.
    Off to Italy to get murdered on permission.
    Or Plan B, to *Sparkle* and not massacre ppl.
    Woot~! Vacation! *insert AliceXBella fanfics here*
    My Twu Wuv~!
    The mafia sure has awesome powers like heart/gossip.
    Bella: Please, bite me now~!
    To be continued.

    ok, sorry for that long summary I made up. I’m trying to recollect on how the whole thing looks like as a whole. Amazing how this sounds boring even as a summary. So wait, now Bella is actually “special” now and she would be a great collection to the Mafia’s Secret Forces of Vampires to take over the world with. Then make Edward have to pry the helpless damsel out of their hands to make it a better action story.

  6. Candice Says:

    “Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.”

    Perhaps SMeyer just wanted to clarify that Aro doesn’t laugh like HOO hee ppCHA! …or maybe she’s just the worst writer ever?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Moreover, it requires commas? Did the red squiggly line bother her so much that she simply couldn’t ignore it?

    • Nadramon Says:

      The “worst writer ever”? I wouldn’t be so sure… I remember a time when I was checking a random page from Eragon and found a very similar line: “He could hear Saphira’s wings. Flap Flap Flap.” I’m not kidding.

      Maybe SMeyer and Paolini are having a contest or something?

    • Rachel H. Says:

      I WISH Aro would laugh like that XD

    • Rat Queen Says:

      Candice: the image of a flamboyantly gay Aro is perfectly completed with him having, instead of a normal, slightly evil laugh, a ridiculous one which embarrasses everyone around him.

      HOO hee ppCHA indeed!

  7. Jezebel Says:

    It’s just… I know that the vampires in SMeyers stupid, stupid little world are ridiculous, but somehow seeing the famed and feared Volturi like this in all their flaming glory really puts the nail in the coffin. What the hell is WRONG with this woman? The power to sense relationships? “You can go if you turn the insipid heroine into a sparklepire?” The fact that any of these vampires give a flying fuck about Bella, Edward and their boring relationship?

    SHENANIGANS!

    Also, in addition to Bella Sue appearing in Alice’s visions, Marcus can sense her relationship with Edward. Sigh.

    • It’s like she took the lamest “magical” powers she could think of, slapped the word “vampire” on them, and called them characters. I’ve heard of vampires that eat people. I’ve heard of vampires dying in the sunlight. Never once have I heard of a vampire that can sense the ultimate twu-ness of twu luv.

      Question, other than the bloodsucking thing, what do these things have in common with vampires as the sane world knows them? Aren’t vampires supposed to be evil and scary as shit?

      • I actually feel the need to point out as a World of Darkness fan that in your classic Vampire game, being able to sense the fine details about one person’s perception of another would be a political boon, if used correctly, and since those are your classic lounging-about-backstabbing social schemers, that’s something. It’s not going to be a “control people free” card, but it would probably useful if it was a supplemental card in a deck of manipulative political tricks.

        The pathetic thing, though, is that these aren’t those sorts of vampires, so it IS a useless power. And although he could be using it to pit people against one another effortlessly (or form alliances, or break them, or weed out weaknesses to be exploited, or–), he’s instead using it to tell us how awesome the lead relationship is, since SMeyer can’t figure out a way to make it awesome through, you know, good ol’ writing.

        Also wtf is with having people’s memories = understanding relationships; that’s TWO powers, or else it’s strange focus on a VERY minor aspect of a major power.

        So, in conclusion: it didn’t HAVE to be stupid, but yes, I think I’ll go facepalm repeatedly now.

      • Ah ha, I misread something. Shouldn’t read at work, where constant minimizing creates the danger of misunderstandings. Please ignore second-to-last paragraph, woops thx

  8. I wonder if bad vampires sparkle pretty too… or they just look tacky, anyway…

    Speaking of which, I watched the pfff Wolverine movie yesterday, they show Emma Frost (White Queen) in all her splendour… and I couldn’t stop thinking sparklepire sparklepire!, she totally outsparkles Edward though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Emma_Frost_1_(Tahyna_Tozzi).png

    oh noes!

    • Y`know, Emma Frost (comics version) vs Edward the Manpire would be awesome…..and short! But entertaining, regardless!

      These vampires are a sort of lame version of “Heroes”/”X-Men” anyway! Look! Look! They have special powers, but they look like people and hide their true nature from humanity! *le gasp*

      • Rat Queen Says:

        Emma would DESTROY Edward.

        Besides her sparklepowers, she is also a telepath to rival Dr. Xavier and a latent telekinetc.

        SHE COULD MAKE EDWARD DISMEMBER HIMSELF

      • She could make Edward eat Bella :D

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        More to the point, she could make Bella eat Edward!

        Double-entendrific!

      • Y`know, I`d actually go see the movies if that happened! But we must have a propper Emma for it to fully work, hehe…

    • Forsakentale Says:

      Gah, Emma Frost in that movie made me cry. She was one of my favorite marvel character, now she’s a sparkly brat that get saved by the guys……
      Omg I’m having a Twilight dejavu……..

      • Softspoken Says:

        Well, isn’t she supposed to still be a kid in that movie? I haven’t seen it, but she may have just not come into her own yet.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Even if she’s just a kid, Emma’s first powers were telepathic, she had to almost die crushed to turn into a dazzling fabulous diamond ♥

  9. Another author who doesn’t get why child vampires are scary, and has a little girl who… is boring. Oh, and apparently has the stock “agony powers” bit, too. Are you sure she didn’t do a little “research” this time? As in, stealing bits and pieces from other bad writers?

    Because I swear I saw that little girl vampire in another book, except she was named Nicolaus. Yes, a boy’s name, no question, just spelled funny.

    Also, somehow I’m getting the feeling Aro can only soak up people’s good vibes, and not really their full memories. Otherwise, how can he feel so happy all the time? Is he on vampire bupropion?

    • Well, for the most part he just hangs out with vampires. And for the most part of that he just hangs out with the awesome red-eyed, human eating vampires who have no reason to be unhappy about anything. Not like he spends all his time with lame douchey self-hating Edward.

      Google ‘growing up Cullen’ for a pretty hilarious reimagining of the relationships between Edward and his comparatively normal siblings.

    • Kathleen Says:

      OMG. Did your friends try to convince you that the Anita Blake series was good too?! XD I read the first one, and it was pretty lame. Granted, the heroine was at least somewhat interesting and did things on her own. The vampire master child was what, Nikolaos? (It took me a while to realize it was just Nicolas spelled funny) And at least she was somewhat competent on her own and creepy. Jane is just downright boring. She just..stares at people! OH noes!

      • Di-chan Says:

        At least Anita Blake had plot and action, despite how the series hit rock bottom around Incubus Dreams. I can stand it because of that, but after awhile (and what? 13 books?) a series becomes a tad bit stale.

        The vampires were interesting and I may call that Meyers stole the concept of “vampire gifts” from Hamilton. Only because I can’t place where that idea for vampires came from and it is the only book I remember with such a concept.

      • Di-chan: Yes, they have plot and action. They have that much going for them, I’m glad to say. It’s what kept me along through eight books, despite all the shortcomings.

        But still… Nikolaos (that’s the right spelling, there! And it’s apparently Greek, but still a boy’s name). When she appears in the first book, she’s wearing leotards [sic] on her legs. I still don’t know how to imagine this. Anyway, she was decently creepy, but the concept of “lost innocence” that you’d expect from the archetype was missing. It could have been played up better.

        I’m willing to forgive her for that being her first book. But around what, book five? Six? I can’t forgive her for the rotting vampires.

      • The vampires were interesting and I may call that Meyers stole the concept of “vampire gifts” from Hamilton.

        I would give you this, if it weren’t for the fact that Meyer proudly admits to never researching vampires before she wrote these books. She could be lying to save face, but I wouldn’t put it past her to think that her vampires are just soooo much better than those other stupid non-sparkly kind.

      • Di-chan Says:

        Weaver: I’ll give you that, since I definately forgot about the rotting vampires. To the “lost innocence” being used, I can’t comment too much on that without pulling “Guilty Pleasures” from where it is hiding and bringing out a full debate. My only thought, looking back on the character of Nikoloas, was that it was Hamilton’s attempt to lean people towards liking the character of Jean-Claude… but that is one reader’s opinion.

        Looking back at my comment, I think it was more of pointing out that the Anita Blake series is good if compared to the Twilight series. I apologize if I did not word that right.

        Rachel: I take that proud declaration of her’s with a grain of salt followed closely by three shots of tequila, so that I can have a good reason to lose those brain cells. The skepticism comes from the fact that she would have been exposed to vampires… thorugh movie trailers.

        Unless she doesn’t watch TV. There is also exposure through friends, unless they are all as sheltered. Depending on teachers, there could have been the possiblity of reading Bram’s work in high school or college (I don’t put much stock in this because I am unsure of high shcool/college cirriculums from whatever decade she would have attended). Possibly stopping to read the back of a novel in a bookstore…

        Now I am reaching, but those are indirect means of finding out about vampires without really doing “research.” But, considering her track record, I am afraid to find out what she considers research.

        • Shinigami Says:

          Hey! at least rotting vampires are mythologicly acurate! and the series was pretty damn good at first.

  10. … Sorry to double post, but editing is impossible.

    And this is just too… Dear gods…

    • fantasyforever Says:

      Actually, I’m not sure if SMeyer would be smart enough to think of a cunning plan like that…

      • “Not to fear, master, I have a cunning plan!” [/baldric]

        Anyway, perhaps the world is safer that way.

  11. soranomukou Says:

    GODDAMNIT you upload quickly. O:

    I’m glad~ you’re awesome~

  12. “Alice’s expression was frustrated”. Alice herself was as happy as a kid in a candy store, it was just too bad that her expression had become a separate, sentient being and it did not like the way things were going at the moment.

  13. fantasyforever Says:

    Don’t worry Rai! She fixes the plot hole of some manpire powers working and some don’t. In the last friggin book XP Gatta tie up all those loose ends and plot holes!!

    • Rat Queen Says:

      Doesn’t she make it just “mental attack” powers? So latent stuff–like relational sensing and foretelling, apparently–doesn’t get affected, but invasive or dangerous stuff is negated?

    • That explanation didn’t even make sense!

      I wish Aro would have said something like, “That’s a very rare talent. I’ve only encountered it a few times before.”

      “You’d be the first who agreed to the transformation process, though.”

  14. Forestwater Says:

    “Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?”

    Well, no. For four reasons.

    One: His SPARKLY VAMPIRIC AMAZINGNESS means he already rules the world in an unofficial sense, meaning he doesn’t have to do anything else (because he’s, you know, so sparkly and amazing).

    Two: It would ruin the wonderful and not at all stupid trajectory of these phenomenal books.

    Three: Aro won’t let him.

    AND

    Four: Pinky and the Brain already tried that and it failed. And since Marcus is a closet P&tB worshipper, he has seen all the episodes and knows that it can’t be done.

    Or, you know, Smeyer fails.

  15. tesseractyl Says:

    did anyone see the furplosion on the MTV Movie Awards last night? i loled.

    • Rachel H. Says:

      I just watched it on youtube, I loled too!!!! the acting is even more fantastically awful than the first movie!!
      fursplosion in midair… he jumps like 20 feet over Bella’s head in HUMAN form. come on.

      • i just had to go and look that up.
        omg

        LOL, just … LOL.

        (also, why the hell does jacob have RED fur??)

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        You are trying to apply reason to a series of complete nonsense, similar to trying to fit a full sized ocean liner in a glass Sobe bottle.

        You just have to smile and nod.

        Or be like me and crash all the New Moon premiere parties as you sanely can.

      • Or be like me and crash all the New Moon premiere parties as you sanely can.

        That sounds like STUPID fun. If you do this, send me pictures k

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        Holy cats on a hanger, pictures and insanely stupid fun for the win. <3

      • Tro: Because he’s an Injun.

  16. Forsakentale Says:

    So the only gay vampire ever has the manpire power of touching, stalking and being annoying at the same time? SMeyer has no idea wtf she’s writting about, does she?

  17. Graymalkin Says:

    Aro was pretty much my favorite character in the book. He made me laugh so hard at how badly written, and obviously flaming, he was.

    I keep having these little ideas of ‘A fabulous Wonderful Day in Aro’s Sparkalicious Life’ comics.

    To bad I suck at drawing startlingly beautiful people. Monsters are my thing.

  18. Pauline Says:

    Considering how often Bella faints when she’s around Edward, surely if all the Volturi went out into the daylight they would sparkle everyone to death. Oh wait, it’s only Bella who gets so easily impressed.

  19. Ok, I wasn’t going to inflict this on anyone else, but then I changed my mind…

    Has anyone heard the Lady Gaga song Disco Heaven? Because the bit about taking a ride on a disco stick totally made me think of Edward’s great sparkle plan…

  20. MovieTrailer Says:

    I just stumbled across the New Moon trailer on Yahoo! I thought everyone would get a kick out of it. My friends and I were practically rolling on the ground laughing!

    http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/new-moon-trailer.html#watch

    • Pauline Says:

      You’ve gotta admit though, Jacob is pretty hot

      • Jacob is probably this movie’s only redeeming factor. And considering I will probably be dragged to it, I am thankful.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      WHAT?! NO FURSPLOSION?! I’M DISAPPOINTED! THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRAILER!

    • Rat Queen Says:

      Edward comes off as such an emo boy even in that short clip… I dunno, the fursplosion isn’t TOO TOO terrible, though clothing doesn’t rip quite like that. IT SHOULD RIP ALONG THE SEAMS.

      From what I’ve heard, the films are better than the books. By necessity, the filmmakers have to amp up what little plot there is and at least TRY to make things make sense. That’s not to say the movies are good, only better than the books (which isn’t saying much).

      THE CLIP OF BELLA GOING FETAL ON THE FOREST FLOOR MADE MY DAY

      • The movie is better than the books in the fact that whoever wrote the screenplays is a better writer than Smeyer and tried to fix the plotholes and flat, flat flat characters.

        But there’s only so much you can do to Twilight to make it good without making it … not Twilight … so the movie is also very boring.

        And the acting is just bad. I know these kids were picked simply because they were pretty and for no other reason. Kristen Stewart spends 90% of the movie blinking and having petite mals, and Robert Pattinson can’t decide whether he wants to vomit or cry.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        …How is that bad acting? Sounds to me as if Kristen Steward is acting just as flat as Bella is in the actual book and Robert Pattinson is trying his best to stay in character in spite of the horrible plot. (Because if I were in his place, I really wouldn’t know whether to vomit or cry.)

      • Rat Queen Says:

        I think if I had to play Bella I would be acting similar to Rob Pattinson. It is such a sad, sad series.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Actually I think Kristen Steward’s Bella more enjoyable than Book’s Bella (maybe because she blatantly dislikes but is trying to work with the one-dimensioned character she got because its her job).
        Robert did a real Edward…. creepy and without a soul. Thumbs up if he did that willingly.

      • Robert did a real Edward…. creepy and without a soul. Thumbs up if he did that willingly.

        Mr. Pattinson (or RPattz, as the gurls are calling him) has admitted that he plays Edward as a manic depressive who hates himself. He has also admitted that Twilight is a piece of crap and is, essentially, a collection of Meyer’s sick and twisted fantasies.

        Really, the more I hear about this guy, the more I like him!

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Yup, I read that too. Some of the cast really dislikes Twilight… the guy who did Laurent, tho’, is a fanboy.
        I saw an interview with the cast, someone asked Kristen what motivated her to get a role in this omg SOOO awesome movie based on *GASP* the best book evah!!1one! and something about her thoughts on the books…
        Kristen couldn’t answer something nice so she just mumbled about trying to do her best or whatever (she would totally trash the books is Smeyer wasn’t besides her).

    • Twilight fans are insane. If you can even make it through this, she also has a similar video for the first movie’s trailer.

      • Ha. Forgot the link.

      • Kathleen Says:

        “You dickhead. Don’t you dare leave her, you dickhead!”
        I just about died watching this chick. Is she for real?!

        “Paper cut. HA! Dumb bitch!” …Even the fans think she’s an idiot… “GO JASPER. BITE HER!” …If only…the series would have ended so much sooner.

        “I’m so Team Jasper.” Whut? What exactly is ‘Team Jasper?’ And do I really want to know?

        …Hardcore Twilight fans are *scary.*

      • Team Jasper, I think, are the people who wish jasper would kill/bite Bella.

      • I’d never heard of Team Jasper, but I knew there was a Team Edward and Team Jacob. There IS a religion based of this crapfest, so I wouldn’t put it past the fans to have a fanclub for every minor character in the books.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Team Jasper = Jasper/Bella shippers (bites included).

      • Who the shit ships Jasper and Bella? That’s just… what?

        Being completely honest, I don’t understand ships much for this series to begin with. Nobody has a God damn personality. It’s like “I ship rock/paper!”

      • Forsakentale Says:

        You know when you were a kid and you had (hypothetically) all those Barbies and Kens and whatever? And of course the didn’t have personality besides “She’s a vet and she’s from Malibu”, and YET you paired “Sexy Bearded Ken with Vet Barbie” and “Malibu Barbie with Xena action figure”?
        Maybe a Twilight fic is much like that: you have the fakeness, the stillness and the crappy backgrounds, but you mix them together for fun..

        ……only that, you’re now 14+ years old…

      • Moonshade Says:

        Okay, that girl just… creeps me out. She just does. Though she’s an excellent portrayal of the typical Twilight fan.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        I feel like clawing my brain out now.

        How do people like this effin’ exist. I mean, I got excited over the new Harry Potter trailer, but that was more like a clap my hands and do a little “Yay!” ditty and then move on to the next trailer (I binge on movie trailers at the first of every month, so sue me), not an emotional break down due to some life altering experience.

    • Makokam Says:


      Is it wrong that I thought the final ten seconds actually looked kind of bad ass?
      Why can’t the whole movie be Vampires and Werewovles tearing each other up?

  21. I found the perfect visual description for this series of “books.”

    • Di-chan Says:

      That works, drift wood on a beach would have worked… a group of teens buring the books and roasting marshmellows over it while camping in a forest would have been hilarious.

  22. CrazyFishie Says:

    OMG I love you and want to have your sparkling vampire babies!! :D :D :D

    But, not really.

    Seriously though, thank you so much for these recaps! I just randomly found this page and I love it to bits! If Twilight were written in accordance to your snark, it would actually be worth money :D

  23. Forsakentale Says:

    Oh by the way, I read SMeyers FAQs (just because you pointed so many priceless stuffs she writes there) and she explained about Bella’s human powers…. it seems Bella has a defensive mind, so, every power that tried to get inside her head (illusions, mind reading and whatnots) doesn’t work, because Bella is such a private person you guys! Just like SMeyer! :O
    But I like the idea of her being immune to her own crap and that’s why she’s OK with Jane’s manpire powers, and of course, nothing happens inside her head, that’s why mind reading is useless.
    Fun fact: it seems Jasper’s emotion-controlling-manpire-power works on Bella because it is a physical thing…. SMeyertology Science explains that he doesn’t control the emotions, but the biological things that come with them…. I wonder hows the biological stuff that makes someone gloats with pride for those crappy excuses.

    • SMeyer might want to check the fact the the brain controls the body`s chemistry, from emotions to hormone release… i`m thinking, though, she doesn`t have one :p

      • Softspoken Says:

        It’s actually pretty amazing stuff, how the physical can wire / change / cause the emotional and mental. If I remember correctly, it’s still unknown how the brain does all the crazy stuff it does.

        But what I find most interesting is how Jasper’s power reminds me of the abilities of this character: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallflower_(comics)#Powers_and_abilities . By the by, the series this character was first published in was on the market around a year before Twilight was. Thought you all might find that interesting.

      • Don’t suggest the Smeyer ripped off X-Men.

        They are too adult for her to read.

        That’s why the movies are explicitly PG/PG-13.

        So the Smeyer can go watch them without feeling morally guilty over it.

  24. [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCmleIgAoag&feature=fvw[/url]

    The actress is just as annoying as Bella….O_O
    ..either that or she really really hates Twilight.

  25. Natalya Says:

    Aw, poor Wallflower.

    Seriously, did the girl really feel the need to watch the trailer three times in a row? I mean, yes, I rewound it a few times myself to get a better look at Jacob’s transformation (Kind of shoddy, he blurs out between man and wolf), but to rewatch it over and over is just sad. This girl needs some help.

    • Watch the first one.

      She sounds like a whale during parts of her squeals.

      • Keyaroscuro Says:

        With this gal…I’m not sure whether to laugh, cry, or scream. I’d try doing all three at once but I don’t want to end up sounding like her.

        I really do wish vampires were real. Then we could feed people like this to them and not feel bad because it would be exactly what they want.

        Well, actually I wouldn’t feel bad either way.

      • “UHHHHHHHHHMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIING BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK” still takes the cake

      • Moonshade Says:

        Oh gosh, she really does sound like a whale. It’s mean, but it’s so true. Wow.

      • soranomukou Says:

        You know what sucks? I’m WORSE when it comes to Yuki. |:

  26. Are we sure that’s a girl? I’m a founding member of the League of Manly Voiced Women, and her voice is freaking ME out. What I heard of it, anyway. For reasons of delicately balanced sanity, I had to stop watching about twenty seconds in.

    • watch about the last 45 seconds. craziest woman on the face of the earth during that time period.

  27. Forsakentale Says:

    Ok guys, I just found Jane’s power. Behold the power of Carrefour:
    http://wiki.white-wolf.com/worldofdarkness/index.php?title=Carrefour#.E2.80.A2.E2.80.A2.E2.80.A2.E2.80.A2_Open_Bay.C3.A9

    Quoting: “Creates a dangerous two-way portal between the World of Darkness and the Twilight.”
    Of course, she opens that portal inside the person’s head.

  28. Moonshade Says:

    So I just visited babynames.com for character names for my brother’s story, and guess what I found:

    2008: IsaBELLA is the 2nd most popular name among girls; Edward is 94th among boys, Jasper is 100th

    Neither Jasper nor Edward were on the list at all before Twilight became popular.

  29. Hello? Can we get a recap plz?

  30. Need I remind you that I gave you life?

  31. Rachel, your mom is SO cool.

  32. …and when can I expect grandchildren? And how come you never call?

  33. Gabriela Says:

    40 humans missing don’t matter because they are human and in this Universe, humans don’t matter.

    The “I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal.” had me LOLing IRL.

  34. I have a problem with the three main Volturi guys’ NAMES. And their wives, too, who have these clashing classical names. Athenodora? (Greek.) Sulpicia? (Latin.) Reaaaaaallllyyyy.

    I forget how old they’re supposed to be, but the Twilight Wiki (aghhhhh) says they’re supposed to have been around circa 1000 BCE? …Marcus. And Caius. Those are Roman names (very Roman Republic sounding). Rome was ‘founded’ around 753 BCE. Before that were the Etruscans. And then we have Aro, whose name I can’t even place. According to the wiki (nooo why do I do these things), Aro’s sister was named Didyme, which is Greek. Marcus was supposed to be their contemporary. Um? Problem?

    Research faiiiil, smeyer.

    /classicist rant

  35. the one random human “pet” is named Gianna.

    wikipedia says:
    >>Gianna, the Marchesa of Volterra and the fictional ruler of the area, features in the first twelve books of the sixteen-book Captain Nicholas Ramage historical nautical series.<<

    so now we're stealing from other books? wtf Stephenie Meyer?

    • So, in real books, she’s a ruler. In Twilight, she’s their pet receptionist.

      But Smeyer totally believes in feminism.

  36. okay, i just read “Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.” i totally was thinking that when i first read new moon.

  37. Okay…child vampires. There’s a film called “Let the Right One In” about a vampire kid and it’s apparently awesome and creepy as hell. Smeyer, watch and take notes.

  38. Shinigami Says:

    And Marcus will be played in movie by Dr. Phil

  39. EmpressJudge Says:

    “Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?”

    M. Bison: OF COURSE!

  40. Late to the party, but I just want to chime in by stating that I am ever so grateful that Bella is immune to sparkly vampire powers. Just imagine: in an instant, Aro’s mind would be flooded with every single “thought” that has ever gone on within Bella’s annoying, vapid mind. We can only speculate at the awful amount of stress this would put on anybody.

    The Volturi seem reasonably sane, so it would be a shame if the 3 oldest vampires in the world were reduced to 2 really old guys and 1 witless, jabbering looney.

  41. Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude!
    Thanks, However I am encountering problems with your RSS.

    I don’t understand the reason why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anybody else having similar RSS problems? Anyone that knows the solution will you kindly respond? Thanx!!

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