It is neither a psych ward, nor a grizzly bear. It appears to be some kind of… modern office building. Huh. That’s new.
Everybody seems to be scared silly of Jane. Of course, since she’s the Littlest Vampire, she probably has the scariest freaking power. Does she beam the entirety of the Twilight Saga into someone’s brain just by looking at them? I think that would incapacitate a Navy freaking Seal. I’d be terrified, too.
They get in an elevator. Yep. Just one human bloodsack and five vampires. Nothing dangerous about that. At the reception a floor up, another human woman is at the desk. That’s… odd. She’s friendly and doesn’t seem to care at all that there are vampires here. Huh. A pet?
They go through some more doors and a little boy vampire joins them. He and Jane seem to be a “thing.” Sure, but are they the truest of true loves? Alec comments on how “this” (Bella) could possibly be the cause of all this trouble, and Felix calls dibs on her. Edward gets all mad and growly and stuff, he’s soooo protective of her you guys, I’m getting the vapors over here.
They are led through a hidden door into a castle turret room, perfectly round and cold, and made of stone. A handful of sophisticated, beautiful vampires are just lounging in here, like there was some sort of Camarilla meeting going on here. I mean, there isn’t, of course, because Stephenie stayed away from anything vampire while writing these books, since research is the Devil or something.
Then, Aro appears.
Aro has long, jet-black hair, papery thin skin, and a voice like “soft sighing.” Aro is also one of the three most powerful Volturi. And uh… he seems sort of… you know… flamboyant.
Aro is just delighted that Alice and Bella have come here with Edward, the idea makes him as gay as a jaybird. He floats around, sighs, and calls people “dear” a lot. Alice and Edward are tense and probably scared, but I don’t believe there’s anything to even fear from this guy, unless you don’t like showtunes. He is exceedingly familiar with Our Heroes, until finally explaining that his power is he can read people’s thoughts by touching them–not just what they’re thinking now, but every thought they’ve ever had. That’s sort of handy. So all he had to do was, ah, “touch” Edward to know what was going on.
Wait, that means he had the entirety of Twilight beamed directly into his brain. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhinged.
Two more Volturi arrive, Caius and Marcus. Aro tries to share his excitement.
“Marcus, Caius, look!” Aro crooned. “Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn’t that wonderful?”
Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-haired man seemed utterly bored, like he’d seen too many millennia of Aro’s enthusiasm. The other’s face was sour under the snowy hair.
Aro: OMG U GUYS LOOK LOLOLOLOL THIS IS SOOOOOO GR8
Marcus: Yeah sure.
Aro doesn’t let their sourpuss attitudes ruin his sparkling day. Marcus comes to him and touches his hand, briefly, which I guess is all Aro needs, because he starts murmuring about how fascinating and amazing this all is.
Alice’s expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. “Marcus sees relationships. He’s surprised by the intensity of ours.”
Aro smiled. “So convenient,” he repeated to himself.
I’ll say. This guy’s whole purpose in life is to be here when Edward and Bella are so he can tell the other two just how much they weally weally wuv each other. Awwww.
Couldn’t you use this power for political gain? To, I don’t know, take over the world?
Aro continues to go on and on and on about how awesome Edward is for not eating Bella. Seriously. He gets praised for having so much will-power, for having such restraint, for being so perfect and awesome and manly. Nobody seems to realize that Aro is coming on to him. We just needed to be reminded again of how amazing and wonderful Edward is, since we’ve missed that so much for the last 470 pages.
Aro asks if he can see if his power works on Bella, since she seems to be immune to Edward. And what do you know, she is! Then he asks if they can test Jane on her, which everyone is pretty keen on, except for Edward. Nobody can handle the entirety of the Twilight Saga jammed into their head, not even Bella!
Edward throws himself in front of Bella as Jane turns to look at her. He immediately crumples to the floor, writhing in agony. Hey, I was right! As Edward rolls around on the ground for a while, Jane turns her terrible gaze to Bella, and…
Actually, what I’m imagining is that scene from “Being John Malkovich,” where Malkovich entered his own head. What would happen if you made Bella read her own stupid novels?
Jane gets all pissed that Bella is immune to her too, and I’m wondering if we’re actually supposed to believe all this. Alice can see Bella in her visions, so clearly she isn’t immune to manpire powers. Or am I just supposed to conveniently forget that for the sake of the plot?
Too bad I can’t forget what a terrible writer Smeyer is.
Aro started to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha,” he chuckled.
I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LINE IS IN THIS CHAPTER. I had to re-read it like four times to even believe what I was seeing. How did this get published.
Aro asks if Edward and Alice would like to join their little club. Both of them politely decline, because the Volturi are, let’s face it, hella lame creepy. Aro then asks if they can turn Bella, since she’s obviously going to be super powerful as a vampire. Edward says no way, which makes Bella assume she is ugly and hateful and Edward doesn’t want her.
Well, that settles it. Edward and Alice can go, but they’re going to have to eat Bella. Edward is, naturally, upset at this prospect, so Aro cuts him a deal. If they promise to turn Bella into a vampire later, then they can go.
Yep. Simple as that. Alice comes up, touches Aro, he’s all “OoooooOOOooooh, soooo interesting,” and lets them go. Man, that was scary you guys, I wasn’t really certain if they would see the Power and Strength of Their True Love and let them go. Bella whines in her head about how Edward finds her repulsive and doesn’t want her to be an immortal irritation (haha!), which I’m just delighted to have to read more of.
They beat a hasty retreat when a group of fourty-something tourists come into the room. Oh, look, it’s feeding time at the zoo! Heidi, another vampire, dressed like, uh, well, a skank, brought them all here. The group starts running, but they barely reach the door at the end of the hallway when the screaming starts.
…Okay, I have a question.
Fourty tourists go missing, no trace, nothing. I think it looks something like vampires have to eat once a month to stay fit, which comes out to 480 people going missing every year. Nobody noticed? Nobody thought “Well gee, there are all these people that go to Volterra and never come back”? Seriously?
Believe it or not, this chapter was the climax. The rest is all denouement. Slow, boring, contrived denouement.