Chapter Eighteen

I’m going to be honest with you. I wasn’t sure I could make it through New Moon.

The chapters are so full of utterly nothing. I was beginning to doubt my ability to even make any of it sound funny. Oh, Bella is whining about her hole again. Aw, and Jacob comforts her. Repeat for 400 pages. Yes I have read 400 pages of this crap I hope you’re happy.

The problem is, I am sad to say, that Edward is not in this book. Edward is really the life of this series. He’s flat. He’s uncaring. He’s preposterous. He’s downright offensive. Without Edward to buoy my intense loathing of these “books,” I get very little out of even making fun of it. Look, the werewolves are telepathic, ho hum.

I have news for you, gentle readers.

Edward is coming back. With a vengeance.

Chapter eighteen starts off as exciting as usual–Bella answers the door. Jacob glowers. His friends are sitting back in the car idling in her driveway, also glowering. Jacob asks to talk to her. WOW!! On the edge of my seat here.

Jacob gives her crap for liking vampires, before getting to the point–the treaty means that if a Cullen is over, Jacob can’t be. So he can’t protect her unless she’s back in La Push now. Uh, okay, whatever, totes going to hang out with my vamp BFF now.

Bella says some mean things and Jacob leaves. Because Bella is the frailest little thing on the planet, she immediately starts crying. Jacob comes back and hugs her, apologizing for breaking his promise again. Annnd for three pages there’s more “character development” consisting of how much life sucks since Jacob can’t fill the hole in her chest while Alice is here, but Alice is feeding her addiction so she can’t chase Alice off. Good FREAKING GOD, this girl has no ability to stand on her own whatsoever.

Uh, let’s see. Jacob and Bella share an overlong hug, and then Jacob makes like he’s going to kiss her, which wasn’t part of Bella’s plan so she panics a little. Thankfully for just about everybody, the phone rings. Jacob takes it upon himself to answer for her. When he tenses up, she guesses there’s a vampire on the other end. What, can Jacob tell just by their voice now?

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Jacob hangs up, Bella gets pissed because he just hung up on one of her totally cool vampire friends. Jacob insists that Dr. Carlisle Cullen hung up on him.

Now, at this point, I bust up laughing. He’s at the funeral, he says. Oh, I’m sure a misunderstanding couldn’t possibly arise from this.

So Jacob bitches about vampires a little bit before suddenly up and leaving. Too late, Alice is on the stairs! Before the Mortal Kombat theme can queue up, Alice is struck with a vision. All she says is “Edward,” and of course Bella swoons and nearly faints as the world lurches around her.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn’t at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before reality could hit me.

We have reached a new low for Bella: she’s fainting and she doesn’t even know why.

Jacob gets all pissed again, Alice tries to calm him down, and calls Cult Cullen on her cellphone. The general gist of that conversation is Rosalie picks up, tells her Carlisle isn’t back yet, and then says a few things that somehow infuriate Alice. Bella chooses now to mention that Carlisle is back because he just called.

Jacob relays what he said to Carlisle, including the “He’s at the funeral” bit after prompting from Bella. Alice freaks out, because that was Edward calling, OH NOES HE TTLY THINKS BELLA IS DEAD.

Rosalie told Edward about Alice’s vision of Bella jumping from the cliff. No, it’s more than that, actually–Rosalie tracked Edward down, since he isn’t with the family anymore, specifically to tell him that Bella was dead. I love Rosalie.

So anyway now Edward is going to kill himself.

Yes, gentle readers, bereft of his incompetent, “charmingly” clumsy, weak-willed, easily-spooked cheeseburger girlfriend, Edward is flying himself to Italy to piss off the Volturi.

I’m not sure why he doesn’t just come down here and intercept Victoria. Or try to find any other number of angry vampires. Or maybe throw himself into the ocean and let the pressure crush him. No, he’s got to go to Italy, and he’s got to piss off a specific set of vampires.

Bella rightly wants to know why Edward is killing himself now over her death when he knew she’d have to die someday. Why, Bella, then we wouldn’t have seven whole chapters of rip-roaring plot.

Alice’s plan is to drag Bella to Italy, to hopefully stop Edward. Edward plans to go to the Volturi and first ask politely if they’ll kill him. If they say no, out of respect of Carlisle, his backup plan is to…

…Let me re-read this.

His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city. Wow. What a noble guy. Going to involve as many innocent people’s lives as he can in his senseless quest for suicide. He’s SO passionate for the useless main character!

Bella writes Charlie a note that basically says “Edward needs me bbl.” I’m not sure why Charlie hasn’t tried to have this “kid” arrested yet. Alice and Jacob help her pack, while Jacob pleads, pathetically, tearfully even, for Bella to stay. Sorry, kiddo, you’ve got a pulse, and you treat her right–you never really stood a chance.

They drive off and the last glimpse Bella catches of her house is the shred of a shoe.

Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.

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24 Responses to “Chapter Eighteen”

  1. Jacob’s going to go have an emo-fursplosion jag now.
    No, that’s for the end of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, sorry.

  2. Rachel H. Says:

    I thank you for suffering through the 400 pages… because your recaps having me completely falling off my chair laughing :)

  3. Allison Says:

    I love this! I can sit and enjoy the books, and still laugh my soul into oblivion at your quips! :D Keep going! Bella is rather ridiculous, isn’t she?

    btw, I was referred by Yuko. :3

  4. WHAT.

    Wow, none of this made ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER. How do people read this? How did ANYBODY make it to the third book!? (I won’t blame you if you skip to the end)

    • ChibiKitsune Says:

      No idea. I made it through chapter 5 of the first book and gave up because Bella was so utterly pathetic. Hence why I’m here and reading this hilarious summary :D

  5. “His backup plan is to go on a rampage through their city.”

    Ahahahaha this book is reading like a bad roleplay session! QUICKLY, TO ITALY

    • It’s doubly amusing if you imagine the whole thing as a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP, and Bella is being played by the ST’s girlfriend who really wanted to play a ~*special mortal*~

      • Oh my god, that IS scary amusing. We actually… we actually had this happen. Dead up, only it wasn’t a LARP, just a regular game. And it was just as gag-inducing as Twilight now that I think of it. How–HOW–did I never draw this parallel? She did stuff like that every single game, too. Ridic.

        I always did hate playing VtM anyway. Werewolf all the way!

        (or Changeling, if this is New WoD we’re referring to)

        Oh god I have to go clutch my head in horrible pain for a few minutes. No wonder Twilight’s badness hurts me so personally.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      HAHAHA! Now I can picture the other players telling SMeyer to “STOP HIJACKING THE RP AND STEALING THE SPOTLIGHT!”

  6. I have never wanted Edward to DIAF SO MUCH before. It’s shit like this that makes a girl become a vampire hunter, yes indeed.

  7. >> Bella is whining about her hole again
    this made me giggle so much I woke up Khirsah and scared away the cat. yeah, i’m immature.

    I’m starting to wonder if Charlie maybe actually died towards the end of the book, and only exists in some fucked-up cross-gendered Bates-esque figment of Bella’s imagination.

    • Yeah, I giggled a little just writing it. Hehe, I said “her hole!”

      Again, INTERESTING. Of course, any time someone brings up mental illness in Twilight, I immediately perk up, lol.

      • I had to reread that sentence a couple of times because i wasn’t sure if the book had suddenly taken a rather…interesting turn.

  8. fantasyforever Says:

    New Moon has to be the most boring book out of the entire series. I more or less tuned it out while driving XD;

    Again, the plot hits us near the end of the book! Wait until you hear his real plan to piss off the Volturi. *snorts*

  9. Softspoken Says:

    There was one great way this chapter could have ended.

    FATALITY.

    But it probably would have been Bella’s almost-kiss of death move, which would have sucked. Although Jacob does ‘explode’ naturally…

    Wow. Actually, I’m starting to think this could work.

  10. “…relief of unconsciousness…”? I wish my fainting spells were as pleasant. I usually just think “Ooh, look, the pretty lights are here…I wish this would stop happening…”. It’s quite a horrible feeling when you’re going down, and an even worse feeling when you get up. I can’t think of a time when I’d prefer to pass out.

    But then again, I’ve never felt the pain of being separated from my twu wuv like Bella has.

  11. Geez, Edward couldn’t have, I don’t know, checked to see if Bella was really dead before running of to Italy? I don’t see how he would have accepted that she died so readily.

    Also, does Smeyer realize that the only explanation for Bella’s behavior is a long list of medical ailments?
    Reminds me of this picture: http://makani.deviantart.com/art/twilight-85434781

    Anyway, great job recapping the horror some call a book. I’m enjoying your humorous and clever commentary. ^.^ It kept me very entertained while I was sick.

    • Well, to be fair to Edward(there’s so much else wrong with him, why add stuff unnecessarily?), he was told by a reliable source that his now ex-girlfriend had committed suicide over him leaving.

      When he calls to find out, a strange man answers her home phone and proceeds to tell him that her father is attending the funeral.

      It’s not the biggest leap in logic.

  12. there really isnt a sufficient word that describes what an idiot bella is

  13. I agree, Jacob needs to be abducted from this monstrosity before it ruins him. I can offer a nice (albeit full of potential dangers like the Chaos goddess trying to take over the multiverse) RP-verse for him. Other werewolves, who don’t explode when they Change and might be able to teach him the trick of it…

  14. Can you imagine frequently becoming overcome by your emotions to the point that you have to scream and curl into a ball and faint?

  15. Okay, how many times has Bella swooned now? Five? Fifteen? Over nine thousand?

  16. Wahaha, the epic levels of pathetic the plot is reaching crack me up xD
    I did read New Moon. At the end, I merely remembered the first and last chapter, everything else seemed like a big blank in my memory. Brain protecting itself?

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